Tw: Body Dysmorphia - Tumblr Posts

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you weren’t meant to be fucking skinny and that’s okay.

My Omega (August 11th, 2016)

My first trip to the Omegaverse, and with an old small fandom no less!, but certainly not the last. I’ve always found deep interest in the dynamic situation, and while this is definitely smut, I had a good time spinning the plot and world my way. This one stuck with me long enough for a epilogue fic!

Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin Pairing: Sagara Sanosuke/ Saitou Hajime, background Kenshin/Kaoru Warnings/Contents: Heat Fic, normal amount of Questionable Consent but only for a second, Identity Issues, Body Dismorphia, Smut AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7739950 Word Count: 4,164 (1 Chapter) Summary: Saitou's back in town, and Sano's gone into hiding as he's struck down by a heat he refuses to acknowledge. He didn't choose to be an Omega, he was an Alpha damn it! Or: Saitou and Sano fuck their way through designation issues, heat sex, and relationship building?

~Excerpt~

“You presented as an Omega in the middle of a battlefield and he didn’t know how to keep you safe.” Saitou was prepared for the jerk and twist of the fighter’s strong body, for the writhing, clawing denial driving the teen mad as he tried to physically escape his own nature. The cop was having none of it. “So he found an apothecary—”

“Stop.”

Had it been a scream, a curse, another reptilian death roll, Saitou would have ignored it. But the absolutely broken ring to that one word, the despair that had flooded and poisoned the strong man, weakening him away to a lifeless form, gave him pause.

“Please. Stop.” Sano whispered, eyes wet as they looked up at Saitou.

“Ahou…” Saitou almost felt bad that it was the name that slipped out, he knew the boy’s name after all but how often did he use it? Besides, it wasn’t really wrong even in this case. “Do you really think you can hide anything from me? You think I didn’t know already?”

My Omega’s Heart (August 19th, 2016)

The epilogue to My Omega, because the idea of their kids, and the effects of feudal era Japan’s version of suppressants long term, wouldn’t leave me until I wrote it all down!

Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin Pairing: Sagara Sanosuke/ Saitou Hajime, background Kenshin/Kaoru Warnings/Contents: A/B/O, MPreg, Troubled Pregnancy, Body Dysmorphia, Fear of Miscarriage AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814716/chapters/17834737 Word Count: 5,526 (3 Chapters) Summary: It was never supposed to be this hard. You mated, you had children, you loved your life. Nothing ever goes as planned for Sanosuke, though, and Saitou finds himself driving his mate away with his own protective, worried ways. The birth of a child is a happy occasion, the loss of your mate infinitely less so. Especially when you've just realized how much you love them

~Excerpt~

“And one wrong hit, which you are certain to take because you take every hit, and you’ll lose him.” Saitou looked pointedly to the bulging stomach that so worried him, the stomach that Sano’s hands immediately flew to protectively at the very idea. “I don’t want to lose our child.”

“We could make another.”

Saitou’s eyes narrowed and he stood, hearing the fear and posturing in Sano’s voice. He rounded his desk and approached his mate, who stood very still, hands still guarding their unborn. Saitou reached out and stepped in, pulling Sano into a tight embrace, nuzzling into his neck, his Alpha instincts driving him to soothe away the brackish taint of terror in his mate’s scent. Not that he needed the instincts to tell him to.

“Ahou, it would kill us both along with him,” the older man murmured, resting a hand over his mate’s and feeling the warmth of life resting there. “You know it yourself; you couldn’t bear to lose the baby. And I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

vent art yummy

i would k!ll to look like this. . .

How do you guys can maintain 400-500 or even lower calories a day ? It leads me to eat more and binge

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I can't see me. I ask myself 'is that really me?'. The memory of the first time this happened still haunts me and I relive it over and over and over. Objectively I know that it's me, but when I see my face I can't see me and when I see my body I can't see me, no matter how hard I try. In fact I have a hard time even conceptualizing a holistic image of my outer appearance. Its just all disconnected features, that don't fit together and that, even If I were able to add them up, wouldn't look like me.

I have a special quarrel with my female body. I feel utterly disgusted even by the mere possibility of getting pregnant. I hate the fact that I am able to get pregnant, to an extent that I would probably end my life If I ever did, even If with the option of abortion. Even thinking about it right now is physically painful. My chest hurts and I want to throw up. Just how it looks is upsetting to me as well, but I don't know why.

This has sabotaged all my sexual and thus also all my romantic relationships with men and woman alike. I tends to get with feminine men with long hair, but I ask myself constantly 'what If I don't want to be with them, what If I want to be them?'. What makes it especially suspicious is that I like guys who may look like me If I were male almost to a 't' the same hair and eye color and clothing style, roughly similar in height, weight and facial features. If the men I had dated would have been woman, I would have had dated my doppelganger. Its creepy.

Is it bc it's a female body or is it just bc I hate how it looks? I know I want it to be firmer and skinner, although I way at most 55 kilograms at a height of almost 170 centimeters. Its the same thing yet again: I know I'm not ugly by societal standards bc people have told me so all my life. I know that my face outshines my body by millennia though. But even my face I can't really say I feel like it's beautiful. Its just there.

When I look at myself I don't feel the sensation I usually get when looking at something I find visually pleasing. I wear extravagant or weird clothing and make up, that I think are beautiful, in order to help the disconnect. But its not enough and I come to realize maybe it will never be. I have been living like this ever since I was a pre teen. I turn twenty-one soon. It's been ten years and I'm tired. Sometimes I imagine myself in a male body. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace, most times it scares me to death.

I have a difficult relationship with being a woman, in the social sense, being assigned female at birth. Being raised as a woman was incredibly painful to me at times, not bc my gender expression, witch was always feminine, clashed with the expectations but my personality did, in a big way. Yet when I look around at other woman I can see the same hurt in their stories. I can see myself in them in a way I will never be able to do with a man. My relationships with woman as a woman are the most defining of my life. Female companionship is life changing. Only among woman I can almost feel what might be called freedom, what might be called peace. I realized: I could never live life as a man. I don't want to live life as a man. But should I be male, am I a man? Maybe non-binary? But what do I do with my body in that case? I don't know, I just don't know. It kills me.

Maybe seek professional help and not rant on tumblr, but one of those costs money and the other is free. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am dysphoric, but I do have genetic dispositions for depression, bipolar and schizophrenia, so who knows. I just know that this can't be normal. Or do other people live like this just fine? In this agony?

As a side note: This was pretty heavy stuff and I am truly and deeply sorry If I failed to tag one of your triggers. If you feel like it just hit me up and I'll add it. I also thought about adding a trans tag but I think I invade your spaces enough already, so please also hit me up If you think I should take a tag off this post.

genuinely what the fuck are you supposed to do when you look ugly and even the cool progressive body positive people dont desire you

frozen red and clear

ill fondle my skull play with my intestines carve the food out of my stomach fill my chest cavity with blood and bleach light a fire in my tear ducts pour drugs into my stomach and my lungs until my heart drowning in acid

ill play with my body parts that you cant see until you carve me open dig your hands inside and pull it all out blood covering your hands why do you cry when you see that my heart is no longer pulsing

my womb forever empty crying for a girl shell never be

ill run for miles and miles excrete everything out of me piss and shit tears and phlegm blood and bleach watch as i fall apart guts and bones

touch me in places you dont want anyone to know about

i want you more than health ive chased after skin and bones but you cant find me and you never will

because my body pulsates convulses shakes and seizures i throw it all up late at night sorry but i already ate

𝐆 𝟎 𝐫 𝟑 𝐩 𝐫 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭 𝐢 𝐜 𝐞 !!

CW: g0re (obviously)

I had to fucking screenshot and crop bc the image file of the drawing is too big 😭

Also backrooms fandom are y'all still alive