Medical Labels

Medical labels

In my stay there was one possibly diagnosis that, when brought up, always welled up some anger. It was Depression, because I see it as an invalidation of my feelings. It means directly that I do not have good reason to feel sad or empty, that this is a mere chemical imbalance. A complete dismissal of the mindless droning boredom of the ward, it's emptiness infected me like a plague and they blamed me for that.

Well, I guess I can't complain too much, they did have shitty wi-fi and one and a half activities for a full day and also zero places to be alone in. Yeah, I really can't see why I stayed in bed on my laptop all day. Fuck you people for validating my trauma with psychs.

I need to stop masking, let people have a glimpse at the real me.

Extrovert

For a long long time I gaslit myself into thinking I was an Introvert, so I could cope better with my loneliness. I am still lonely now, but I take more comfort in the truth.

goddddd stpd moment but i hate names. I'm not supposed to have a name all of them have Symbolism that Lock you into things you are and things you are not. I don't want people to be able to have a me in their brains and the concept of true name and true self is such bullshit i am like 8 different people in trench coat and i keep having mitosis if you call me differently because now that's a new Persona. i keep accidentally thinking about names and discovering later I Stole It from some random person and now i have their thoughts in mine and it's Very Annoying. does this make any sense.

ppl were talking about it on the stpd reddit but honestly i'm assuming anyone with Problems with being a person probably has Name Troubles

Recommendations

Not really done much of this before, but I do wanna recommend some media.

I just got done watching 12 Angry Men again and I love that movie, it truly stands the test of time after over 60 years. A simple Jury meeting with no bells and whistles, we see it all unfold in real time, a masterfully written discussion with twelve very different people and how minds can be changed in a dozen different ways. It's a majestic movie and you need to watch it.

In a different vein, I want to recommend 1984 by George Orwell, but not the actual book, but an original Audio Drama adaptation of it. We all know at least the basic plot of the novel, but here you can really feel what Winston is feeling, paranoia, love, defiance, sorrow, and loss. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Winston and there's so many more great actors involved. It's the Audible Original version, so idk if you can get it elsewhere, but at least it doesn't cost you a store credit to get it.

Music time

I wanna talk about music too, it's intensely important to me. Let's start with the name-sake of this blog.

Lovely Lovely Little Lie by SUPER NH

The way this one makes me feel is difficult to put into words. On the one hand it speaks to the emotions of losing something important, the aimless anger, the sadness, the guilt, but in a much more complicated way it speaks to me about loneliness, screaming and nobody hearing. Just trying so hard to be heard that you exhaust yourself, putting on a facade to garner at least some attention, then trying to show your real self and being alone again.