Masking - Tumblr Posts
I am so much more social when I'm not masking but I'm also such an over sharer. like this dude I met today doesn't need to know about my mental problems TT
going to work after a weekend completely unmasked at anthrocon is difficult. like, what do you mean I have to have dull conversations with eye contact and no fidgeting??
I’m supposed to go out and dazzle people today and instead I’m sitting at the kitchen table shirtless, half-dissociating, half-scrolling tumblr, sipping my sour apple cocktail, and trying to figure out if masking when I’m this tired of it is a good idea or if I want these people’s first impression of me to be as chaotic and autistic as I actually am
Having to mask in public but feeling like you're going to spontaneously combust from happiness is exactly like that feeling where you shake up a soda bottle and it's one twist from bursting PLEASE LET ME TALK ABOUT MY HYPERFIXATION PLEASE
is this masking?
I killed off parts of my self. once in middle school and I don't "sing anymore". and at age 17 because I didn't feel like I was growing up much. I invisioned invicerating a Goldilocks looking character. and then ...uh. I wasn't the same. is that ultra masking? it's just a smoldering hole. I assume one should be a little over the top when role playing, and not drull "yes I want to grab the sword, please give dice" and not, sit there and act like I'm telling a story. I couldn't do that. maybe in text, role play chat rooms. or if I ever have to entertain a child. "i ain't playing dolls with ya kid" or, the singing, just sit on a bus and just make up lyrics on the fly. and be jovial about it. I don’t know if I have any kind of Autism. I stoped the singing because it embrassed a friend of mine.
Genuinely can’t handle it for forever but I’ve set a mask for everything because growing up has lead me to shame the real me.
Great songs I’ve vibed to for this mood is “the other side” greatest showman, “give a little” cg5 + LeGrand, and “lucky ducks” from the bobs burgers movie for motivation.
masking is exhausting, mentally and physically.
to refer to someone masking as a ‘little bit of effort that makes you feel better’ or anything to that degree is fucking disgusting.
‘a little bit of effort’ shut the fuck up.
8 pm coffee
Closing shift deserve all coffee.
Had a chat with a dude looking into getting diagnosed for adhd. He was sweet. I’m taken but if he hits on me with his mental healing, I need a friend to transfer him to.
My borderline personality disorder and autism beg to differ
Question of the Day:
Have I just forced myself to mask extensively and that’s why I’m uncomfortable because it’s masking, or is this just how neurotypical folks learn how to do things and thus is uncomfortable for nt folks in society, but no one talks about it because it’s what “everyone” feels?
Anyone who says, “Just be yourself!” to anyone who’s neurodivergent can fucking choke. I hide who I am because I live in a world where being my true self isn’t safe. Being visibly neurodivergent isn’t safe in this world.
Growing up undiagnosed autistic in an unsafe household was wild.
It took me so long after escaping to be able to realize that I was autistic simply because I didn’t have any of the telltale symptoms due to my trauma. For example, a difficulty to read social cues is one of the biggest things that people see and say ‘autism.’ Growing up in a place where even a slight misstep on my part could lead to severe punishment based on how cranky my parent was, I learned real quick to read every single person in that room to keep myself safe. In addition, I was constantly masking my neurodivergence without even realizing it. What were simply autistic traits led to me being called a bad child and given consequences, so obviously I hid them in an act of self preservation. This certainly did not help in getting a diagnosis since I seemingly displayed so little symptoms as a child.
This may seem like a really niche subject, but I’ve met a lot of other people who had the same experience and it needs to be talked about more. Even after diagnosis my father was terrible and told me I made it all up, I have to be faking this, I never acted autistic as a kid. This is the sad reality for way too many people, and it needs way more attention than it gets.
A world not made for me: on masking
It is perfectly understandable that neurodivergent people mask, however they can, however much they can. It is greatly encouraged by most neurotypicals and one would think that medical professionals would be exempt from it, that they would understand and read the latest research, but no they also encourage masking. And it is horrible honestly, because masking is bad for the neurodivergent persons health, autistic masking can lead to stress, loss of self and even depression and anxiety, yet even medical professionals encourage it. I think that the need to mask stems from ableism, if we lived in a world where neurodivergent communication and expression was accepted or even cherished we wouldn't need ro harm ourselves to mask. Society would rather have people be "normal" rather than happy and thriving.
I am hyperverbal and good at abstract concepts and I don't have an intellectual disability and can articulate myself quite well but only verbally, I also am sensory seeking, I need vestibular and auditory stimulation which makes me flap my hands, rock back and forth and make noises and sing a lot and I have a quite strong need for it, and I can't mask it. I am although lucky that I can advocate for myself, but that means I have to argue against a team of 8 professionals just so I am allowed to be myself and literally not hurt myself. And I can imagine how hard it must be for nonverbal autistic people or intellectually disabled autistic people. Why must I study rhetoric and argumentation to just be allowed to express myself in the way that comes naturally to me? I find it very unfair.
And the worst part may be, that no matter how hard I argue or disagree with this approach I am not immune to the influence, the society I live in, has on me. Constantly being told that the way one exists is wrong has its toll. Because one really internalises this message. For me it led to the theme of my delusion and paranoia.
Tw: description of delusion and paranoia starts
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For me I experience that I am a glitch in the universe, that I, quite mechanically and physically, should not have existed. This is not said in a metaphorical way, and that the universe is trying to get rid of me however possible, including what my paranoia revolves around, which Is that people are trying to manipulate me into suicide by isolating me and driving me crazy.
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End tw
And this is how my autism and schizophrenia are connected.
I hope one day we'll live in a non ableist world, but meanwhile I will fight for my right to be myself, because I think it's worth it. Neurodivergent expression is beautiful and worth it.
// slight vent post //
Me, as a child, reading everything I can on how to interact with people and studying fictional protagonists intentently: "I will learn to interact!! I'll figure it out!!, just like I learned to cook!! These books will help me"
Also me: "learn! yeah! Social skills are learnt and totally not inherent skills that most people can't just do!! Hahaha, why does everyone do it so effortlessly.. wait.. wh- Why do you tease me.. what's wrong with me... wh- I did everything like the books said... I showed you the popular character- I took traits from popular book characters... Why..why am I falling behind... wait...why..why am I weird.. what do wrong.. wait... please... please... guys?"
...how did I stay undiagnosed autistic for 16 years?
"Mr Normal" a post on Masking
Anyone remember that SpongeBob episode "Mr Normal"? Well, after watching it again with one of our littles, I have some thoughts.
Basic synopsis: SpongeBob, wanting to be liked by Squidward asks him how to be normal, is given a VHS tape, and spends the first half of the episode becoming normal (creating RoundBob). He loses his job at the Krusty Krab, loses Patrick and then is kicked out of Squidward's house. He relearns to be his real self as the episode comes to a close.
Our little asked if should do that - and become normal.
Looking back on the experience of my system, this story, of losing yourself for others is one that many of us relate to, and many outcasts, edge walkers and weirdos may relate to too.
SpongeBob is fueled by a desire to be normal, to feel accepted, and ultimately to be loved by Squidward - in doing so, he tries on a persona of normality, that eventually becomes his entire personality. He loses himself for others.
I know many neurodivergent people understand this. Especially those who were not diagnosed in early childhood. Growing up feeling like something is wrong with you, to eventually try changing little parts of yourself to please others, to masking your entire true personality to fit in is an experience that many, many neurodivergent people relate to.
But this story holds hope.
SpongeBob finds himself again. He relearns how to be genuine. He relearns his previous personality and finds the joy in being himself that he slowly returns to his spongy self. So to my autists, ADHDers, loners, weirdos and outcasts who masks parts of themselves to please others I challenge you to do something for the self before you started hiding things; chip away at that forced normalisation somehow, and find the messy self underneath all the conditioning.
Try being weird. Intentionally. Be kids again, or let yourself be a child for the first time. You're allowed not to be a professional adult all the time (none of us are), even if it's something little your younger self would have loved. Try not to let the persona you put on become your identity, and if it has become how you view yourself...
Try to be a little silly now and then 💜
I need to get over the fact that there's no way around being visibly autistic. I need to get over my aversion towards stimming in public. I need to start wearing ear defenders. I need to start using methods of communication that don't require my voice more.
I need to break this suffocating mask, because I am still being flagged; I am still being seen as weird, despite trying my very best to blend in. I am harming myself, and it's all for nothing.
the way that no one wears a mask at my local LGBTQ clinic, and in fact comments on my mask like it's just this hilarious little idiosyncrasy that I still wear one and not because I'm immunocompromised and we're in the middle of a pandemic ... as if there isn't an airborne virus that literally fucks up your immune system ... as if we didn't lose a generation of queer people to another virus that fucks up your immune system ...
Guys, you know the whole “James’ type is people who are mean to him” thing?
I think it’s because they make him feel like a real person.
I am forever pushing the “James struggles with feeling like a real person agenda” and I think that initially Lily/Regulus genuinely didn’t like him as a person and that is what made him initially attracted to them. James is one of those “everyone loves him, he’s a literal ball of sunshine” people. But James is nothing if not a people pleaser so he’s always trying to be someone that people like and sometimes he’s not sure that the person he is, is real or just an act.
But they don’t like the person that he shows everyone (because they can subconsciously feel that something is off with James). And no one (excluding Snape and people he doesn’t like because he’s not performing for them) has ever told James that they don’t like him.
So he tries to win both of them over but it doesn’t work because he’s trying to win them over with this not-real-person side of himself and he only wins them over once they see the real James. So by not liking this fake person and seeing through his mask they’re inadvertently helping him learn how to be himself and not be putting on a show all the time.
'i think she's angry' 'i think she's sad' 'i think she doesn't want to be here' i think you were too scared to let your child get tested for autism and now she's having a crisis