There Was A Long Period In My Life Where I Was Habitually Constantly Thinking Up Explanations And Justifications

there was a long period in my life where I was habitually constantly thinking up explanations and justifications for every thing I did, as though preparing all the time to be interrogated for it. not sure exactly when I stopped. probably "not being in an abusive environment" went a long way.

anyway bits of the habit still leak out on occasion, and I've found that entitlement thing a very helpful counter. like I'll catch myself building a detailed explanation of my purchases at the supermarket or some shit, and I'll be like, "wait a minute, why the fuck am I trying to justify this I can buy whatever I want!" and move on

that was unhinged, let me contextualise. I only had twenty minutes in my break to cry and clean up, but I did it faster. Nice

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Obligatory post, cause I haven’t felt like paying anything in a bit.

I’m insanely easy to irritate, because I finally figured out what I wanna do after finishing my apprenticeship, which is to study a very specific thing, but I get absolutely zero support when I talk about this to anyone. Like thanks dad for immediately pivoting to hours I need to work more.

Aside from that I’m thinking of doing something like a coffee diet, but possibly with juice also, cause I crave taste in my mouth. My oral fixation is really biting me on this stuff

Medical labels

In my stay there was one possibly diagnosis that, when brought up, always welled up some anger. It was Depression, because I see it as an invalidation of my feelings. It means directly that I do not have good reason to feel sad or empty, that this is a mere chemical imbalance. A complete dismissal of the mindless droning boredom of the ward, it's emptiness infected me like a plague and they blamed me for that.

Well, I guess I can't complain too much, they did have shitty wi-fi and one and a half activities for a full day and also zero places to be alone in. Yeah, I really can't see why I stayed in bed on my laptop all day. Fuck you people for validating my trauma with psychs.

I THINK WHERE I COME FROM IS LEAVING, a 13-page hxh fancomic i made for @zine--garden. (thank you so much for having me T__T everyone keep an eye out for aftersales!)

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo