That Was Unhinged, Let Me Contextualise. I Only Had Twenty Minutes In My Break To Cry And Clean Up, But

that was unhinged, let me contextualise. I only had twenty minutes in my break to cry and clean up, but I did it faster. Nice

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Recommendations

Not really done much of this before, but I do wanna recommend some media.

I just got done watching 12 Angry Men again and I love that movie, it truly stands the test of time after over 60 years. A simple Jury meeting with no bells and whistles, we see it all unfold in real time, a masterfully written discussion with twelve very different people and how minds can be changed in a dozen different ways. It's a majestic movie and you need to watch it.

In a different vein, I want to recommend 1984 by George Orwell, but not the actual book, but an original Audio Drama adaptation of it. We all know at least the basic plot of the novel, but here you can really feel what Winston is feeling, paranoia, love, defiance, sorrow, and loss. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Winston and there's so many more great actors involved. It's the Audible Original version, so idk if you can get it elsewhere, but at least it doesn't cost you a store credit to get it.

Relationships

I find it easy to look down on people, for being stupid yet somehow conceited, for being deviants, for being rude, for a lot of reasons really. I can't deal with people I look down on, they're not worth my time.

On the other side I can't deal with kind people, genuine good people. They don't deserve someone like me, they deserve a real person, another kind person, not this hollow facade of a person.

There is no middle, no sweet-spot where I feel like I belong.

Phone call

Need to make a call. Stress about it. Push it further. Stress builds. Not much time left. Decide to do it. Dying of stress. Fumble hard. Burnout. Call over. Exhausted. Bit later, relief.

Extrovert

For a long long time I gaslit myself into thinking I was an Introvert, so I could cope better with my loneliness. I am still lonely now, but I take more comfort in the truth.

Medical labels

In my stay there was one possibly diagnosis that, when brought up, always welled up some anger. It was Depression, because I see it as an invalidation of my feelings. It means directly that I do not have good reason to feel sad or empty, that this is a mere chemical imbalance. A complete dismissal of the mindless droning boredom of the ward, it's emptiness infected me like a plague and they blamed me for that.

Well, I guess I can't complain too much, they did have shitty wi-fi and one and a half activities for a full day and also zero places to be alone in. Yeah, I really can't see why I stayed in bed on my laptop all day. Fuck you people for validating my trauma with psychs.