Names

Names

I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.

Undiagnosed

How did I manage to get to my early twenties and am only now starting to get diagnosed with asthma, several allergies, and a cluster a personality disorder? Oh right, whenever I had an issue I was told to suck it up and try harder.

Depressed

I’m just incredibly depressed lately, nothing changes, everything stays just about as miserable as it has always been. I still make stupid impulsive decisions that cause me grief. I’ve long longed for some kind of dramatic change that would actually disrupt the tired old routine, even if that change is getting hit by a bus.

Ascension

One of my ultimate goals is to ascend the human race via technology, natural evolution isn’t cutting it anymore. Our bodies are essential vessels for our divine essence, yet we seek not to enhance it, increase its capabilities, make it immortal. Our essence is immortal and endless, but we just let it trickle away, wasting it, because we think getting old and dying is important somehow.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

Internet

On the internet, there is a certain freedom, to take on any role you want, so many new opportunities for masquerade. It also lets you be open and honest about yourself, precisely because it is so disconnected, it feels optional to your life at first, but eventually you will realise you have exposed yourself, bared your heart open for anyone to see, to anyone who may come to listen. That is terrifying.