Names

Names

I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.

Dread

Like the world is on the brink of cracking, like someone is just about to call you with some bad news, like I'm on the brink of dying. What is this? Paranoia? Anxiety? A survival mechanism?

Romance

I have this distorted vision of romance that requires physical intimacy, but honestly I don't want anyone touching me directly. I do wish there was more media out there that explored this, because it would help me come to terms with it. Aki/Angel fanart often shows this, which is nice. Legion also has this aspect for a few episodes, until they throw that out for mindspace sex, ew. Misfits also has this for a few episodes, but I can't relate to the characters at all. I'm even less comfortable with touch when it goes beyond romance, but try explaining that to someone you wanna spend time with.

My booklist:

Currently reading:

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai Human Action by Ludwig von Mises

My already read books (Ranked only by Score):

The Ego and it's own by Max Stirner - 10/10 >Life-altering philosophy, made me readjust my worldview quite a bit 1984 by George Orwell, the Audible Audio Drama version - 10/10 >I have not felt this hard with a protagonist in a long while The Singularity is Nearer by Ray Kurzweil - 10/10 >An inspiring view into the future and what to do with it To Be a Machine by Mark O'Connell - 10/10 >What does it mean to be human or to be an organic machine? Thrawn by Timothy Zahn - 9.5/10 >Thrilling, perfectly written

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline - 8/10 Rome and Germania by Charles River Editors - 8/10 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 7.5/10 Erebos by Ursula Poznanski - 7/10 Diary of a wimpy kid (series) by Jeff Kinney - 7/10 Harry Potter (series) by J.K. Rowling - 6/10 Animal Farm by George Orwell - 6/10 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 5.5/10 Antigone by Anouilh - 3.5/10 >Bored me to tears Little Brother by Cory Doctorow - 2/10 >Never read a blunter and more haphazard novel

My list of books I want to read:

Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari The Icarus Plot by Timothy Zahn Out of the Dark by David Weber The Anarchist Handbook by Michael Malice The Saga of the Volsungs by Jackson Crawford - translator The poetic Edda by Jackson Crawford Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman Man, Economy, and State with Power and Market - Scholar's Edition by Murray N. Rothbard Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Books I did not finish:

Neuromancer by William Gibson - 3/10 >did not catch my interest Democracy: The God that failed by Hans Hermann Hoppe - 2/10 >an incredibly bad exploration of good ideas

Having the worst week, hopefully almost killing someone will be the worst of it.

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.