I Am Constantly Scared, Because I Am So Vulnerable, So Close To Catastrophe At Every Moment. And Worse

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

Oh no its the gifted child who is wise beyond their years to the burnt out adult with no ability to self-soothe, no ability to fully experience a single tangible emotion, no ability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships, no energy, no desires, no goals, and literally nothing left inside pipeline once again

Having the worst week, hopefully almost killing someone will be the worst of it.

Undiagnosed

How did I manage to get to my early twenties and am only now starting to get diagnosed with asthma, several allergies, and a cluster a personality disorder? Oh right, whenever I had an issue I was told to suck it up and try harder.

Ascension

One of my ultimate goals is to ascend the human race via technology, natural evolution isn’t cutting it anymore. Our bodies are essential vessels for our divine essence, yet we seek not to enhance it, increase its capabilities, make it immortal. Our essence is immortal and endless, but we just let it trickle away, wasting it, because we think getting old and dying is important somehow.

Better

I know I will never get better, the sickness will never go away. All I can do is get stronger, so the shell I have built can withstand the horrors of everyday life, so I can brave the waves of loneliness.