I Am Constantly Scared, Because I Am So Vulnerable, So Close To Catastrophe At Every Moment. And Worse

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

you ever start thinking about life as a human being and trying to explain things and you just start unraveling because it's word all the way down and things aren't real. All communication is molded by how you say and the mere change of language makes a thousand new ways to be misconstructed and misunderstood and any way to try and correct it is met with a thousand new human construct of language that emplify the resonance of your auditor's thoughts and the deformity of your own.

you can say anything ever trying to be truthful and the mere presence of words will make it a lie anything can be misinterpreted nothing is one thing everything is legion. There is no way to win ! Speaking just is not a thing that a simulacrum of a human being can learn it's just words all the way down. there's no meaning in it.

My posts: Today the darkness has consumed me. My liked posts at the same time: Aww they're so cute together. I need professional help

The dark

Do you ever feel that great darkness at your core? It's like an ocean, unresting, rippling, crashing waves. Sometimes tho the darkness is calm, only consuming everything in shadow. Other times the waves crash in great bouts of passion and anger. Worse yet when the tide gives way to light for a brief moment, just to devour it again in a great torrent.

Dread

Like the world is on the brink of cracking, like someone is just about to call you with some bad news, like I'm on the brink of dying. What is this? Paranoia? Anxiety? A survival mechanism?

Better

I know I will never get better, the sickness will never go away. All I can do is get stronger, so the shell I have built can withstand the horrors of everyday life, so I can brave the waves of loneliness.