Sometimes Healing Is Leaving A Bunch Of Social Circles And Only Talking To The People Who Cared Enough

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.

The dark

Do you ever feel that great darkness at your core? It's like an ocean, unresting, rippling, crashing waves. Sometimes tho the darkness is calm, only consuming everything in shadow. Other times the waves crash in great bouts of passion and anger. Worse yet when the tide gives way to light for a brief moment, just to devour it again in a great torrent.

Psychosis is so much more than hallucinations and delusions.

It's disorganizing phrases and sentences. Instead of saying "I lost my bag" you end up saying "I bag my lost".

It's saying something out loud and hearing it echo in your head, only to completely forget what you said, or why.

It's lacking words and the ability to organize them in a sentence so that they make sense.

It's thinking you wrote something only to find out you wrote something else.

It's suddenly losing track of what you were telling someone, or thinking.

It's unknowingly misreading words, somehow sensing the sentence doesn't make sense, reading it again and realizing you read half the word or a completely different word.

It's your mind going blank and feeling a need to stay still and stare at nothing in particular.

It's repeating words and phrases for no apparent reason.

It's having an insight or remembering something you want/have to do only to lose it within seconds.

It's not being able to tell if something actually happened or it was a dream.

It's not being able to tell if a memory was a dream, a made up story/memory, or an actual situation in which you were experiencing positive symptoms.

It's losing track of time, feeling it goes too slow or too fast, or that it freezes.

Undiagnosed

How did I manage to get to my early twenties and am only now starting to get diagnosed with asthma, several allergies, and a cluster a personality disorder? Oh right, whenever I had an issue I was told to suck it up and try harder.

Dread

Like the world is on the brink of cracking, like someone is just about to call you with some bad news, like I'm on the brink of dying. What is this? Paranoia? Anxiety? A survival mechanism?

Having the worst week, hopefully almost killing someone will be the worst of it.