Some Days Are So Good When I'm Happy And Nothing Bothers Me.

Some days are so good when I'm happy and nothing bothers me.

And then some days are so bad that I fall into depression and cry the whole day. Idk what I'm doing with my life . I don't know what I want and how to properly deal with everything that is happening around me. I just wanna hide because otherwise I'll just cry whole day. Building up my self confidence was so so hard . But it's all going away again.

Pathology is so interesting but also so hard .

I need to type it out because I'm just too jumbled up in my head .

a) Shiro died today . I'm sad but more than that I feel relief . He is free. He is free from us . I'm so glad for him. Hope he gets better owners in next life. Someone who would pamper him and not think of him as a burden . Someone who would give him healthy food , talk him to all the walks , love him with all their heart . Someone who adopted him because they wanted to and were ready to support him in all ways. Shiro deserved better than my family. An apathic family who is always angry with each other and coming home is like coming to hell. Everyone is depressed and that includes shiro. I'm glad it's over for him. He was diseased and so so sad . No medicine worked for him and my family did not take good care of him when he was sick. We never researched what he should eat , how much attention he needs , how much activeness he needs. He was treated as a burden rather than the responsibility of a living breathing intelligent animal.

I'm angry at myself for being a apathic about it . I'm so so sad for him but I never did anything good for him. I never went out of my way to give him love or play with him daily. I killed him.

I'll never keep a pet , or have a baby. I'm not emotionally capable enough to care for another living being and I do not wish to destroy their life . I can't even take care of my self. I don't want to be the cause of killing someone else . I don't want to destroy another living animal or human because I'm not loving enough . I'm not tactile enough . I'm too apathic. I'm to cold and heartless . I'm selfish . I never care enough. I do not wish to subject another person or animal to this.

Shiro deserves better. I hope he is now flying away in the clouds and getthing many head pats and nose bops. Tonnes of love and amazing food. All free space to run and be happy . Shiro is now free from us and I hope he is happy

Idk what I'll do in this account. I'm a mess and I need a place to vent , post pics or in general post my thoughts.

Let this be the account where I can sit and think before saying anything and ruining everything like I've done before .

Also , just realised that my english grammer sucks. Sorry Mrs Mukherjee ( but I never liked you as a teacher anyway ).

Hello darkness my old friend,

I'm lying on my bed crying again.

Learned helplessness