Loving And Losing

Loving and losing

Loving and losing someone you used to care about hurts. But you just have to move on, eventually.

But what if you can't move on? What will you do then?

Your last smile brought me so much pain, because it was a broken, defeated smile.

How I wish I could see you again even just for a few seconds. I never even got to say goodbye, not even 'I love you'. But whenever you are, I know you're finally at peace. The sad thing is that I know I will never be at peace until I meet you again.

Wherever and whenever that might be.

As the saying goes: "survivors have scars, victims have graves". Sometimes I have been thinking if it should've been me instead of you. The world needs Dean Winchester, more than they need me. I need you more than I need myself. Deep down I know that Sam needs you more than he needs me.

Which is why I have to do this. Come hell or high water, I will have to do this.

I have been trying to find a way to bring you back, Dean, and I think this is it, this is the way to bring you back.

You plunge the blade into your body, your gasp reverberating in the empty warehouse. You fall down on the hard, cold floor, your life starting to ebb away.

As your last breath starts to leave your lungs, you see sun flickering across the warehouse.

The sun hits you, shining onto your face as if it's saying goodbye on behalf of everyone you've ever known.

You faintly hear him yelling your name, feeling him kneel in front of you, grabbing your face with his calloused hands. You smile faintly, even though tears are falling down from your eyes.

You lift your hand up, skimming your fingers across his cheek, whispering out with your last strength:

"I love you… please understand… my reason… why did I do this…"

He grabs your hand, kissing it gently.

His eyes are glistening with unshed tears, as he whispers to you:

"It's okay, you can go now"

You look into his eyes one last time before your eyes slide shut, as you drift away into darkness.

He looks at you, tears falling down his cheeks.

He kisses your forehead one last time, before standing up, taking your body into his arms, carrying you out. He puts you into the backseat of Impala.

He gave you a hunter's funeral, scattering your ashes into the wind from the edge of a cliff. The wind blows, and the sun shines as your earthly remains go with the wind, free like a bird.

In the beginning there was a woman who was hellbent on bringing her beloved back, but in the end there was a man who had to let her go.

Memories

Realizing that he has very slim chance of making it back, he says over the comms:

“Tell them I love them”

As soon as those words leave his lips, his jet disappears from the radar.

At his funeral, you are standing next to your kids, watching people come and go from his casket.

You hear someone clear their throat behind you, making you turn around.

It's Rooster.

Benjamin guides his siblings further away, giving you and him some privacy.

You give him a small smile.

He gives you a flash drive, you take it, looking up at Bradley.

“It's recording from the mission”

You nod, looking at the small drive in your hands.

“I know it doesn't bring him back but thought you still might want it”

“Thank you”

Bradley nods, squeezing your arm and walking away.

Later when you are home and the kids are in their rooms already for the night, you quietly go up the stairs to your bedroom.

Your bedroom.

Not his and yours like it should be.

Yours.

The thought alone breaks your heart all over again as if it hasn't been broken enough already.

Somehow you get the willpower to step over the threshold of the room. Shutting the door behind you, you flip on the small light on top of the drawer left of you.

Taking in the room, tears start running down your cheeks again.

Alarm clock beeping in the morning, arm reaching over you to make the sound to stop. A kiss placed on your temple.

“Sorry, honey”

You crack open one eye, looking at your husband getting up from the bed, going around the room, looking for his clothes. You hear the shower starting to run before sleep overtakes you. A while later, you feel light kisses placed all over your face.

“Sweetheart, you gotta get up”

“Five more minutes” you say and turn around in bed.

Jake's having none of that, pulling the covers down, attacking you with kisses.

You scream and laugh, trying to get away from his kiss attack.

“Are you gonna get up now?”

“Fine, fine, I'll get up”

Jake smirks as you lift yourself up from the bed, wandering down to the en-suite bathroom.

By the time you are done getting ready for the day, Jake has disappeared from the room. Stepping into the hallway, you hear laughter and delighted screams coming down from the kitchen.

Heading towards the sounds, you stop at the kitchen door, taking in the sight before you. Benjamin is making himself cereal, Cade is eating pieces of toast, Eden is being held upside down by Jake.

You smile, walking into the kitchen.

You ruffle Cade's hair as you go past him, knowing how much it irritates him. Benjamin kisses your cheek as you walk by him.

You grab two mugs from the drying rack, pouring coffee into them. Taking a sip from your mug, you go over to Jake and Eden, giving the other mug to him, which he gratefully takes, you tickle Eden's belly. She giggles, continuing to munch on her toast.

Soon you are all in the hallway, more or less good to go.

Jake says bye to the kids first, then to you with a kiss to your lips.

All five of you manage to get out of the front door, Jake in his car, you and the kids in yours.

Jake backs out of the driveway first, waving at you before driving off. You follow, turning your car in a different direction to get the kids to school on time.

After you've dropped them off, you go run some errands.

After the drive home, you place down the groceries on the counter.

You've put the last food in the fridge when your phone buzzes in your back pocket. Fishing it out, you press the green button.

“Hello?”

You go over the bed, grabbing your laptop from the side table. Sitting on the bed, you plug in the flash drive and press play.

Listening to the recording, listening to his voice, makes your heart ache, ultimately cracking it in half when you hear his last words before his comms crackle and go dead. You hear the others begging for him to answer, to make any sound at all.

They get nothing.

You hear the command to land followed with multiple voices protesting, but the voice again commands them to land.

The recording goes on for a while after the command but no one is saying anything.

You stop the recording.

Unplugging the drive, you place it and the laptop down on the side table.

His last words echo over and over again in your mind.

“Tell them I love them”

“Tell them I love them”

“Tell them I love them”

You cried yourself to sleep that night and countless nights after that, dreams filled with memories of him. Thinking about how you never even had a chance to say goodbye,

None of you did get that chance.

The first bit written in italics is what happened during the funeral (read kisses on fingertips) and the second part in italics is what happened before the call, all the way til the call comes to answering it.

This is like a prequel/sequel/continuation to "Kisses on fingertips" because there are things happening before, during and after it, I think.

Benjamin is 17 years old, Cade 14 years old and Eden is 6 years old when they lost their dad.

If anything is unclear, just ask and I'll try my best to explain.

I'm officially in my Glen Powell-era.

I need fanfiction about Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has two padawans, Y/N and Anakin who both have tendency to cause chaos, get in trouble or run away to do something very idiotic, the second Obi turns his back to them. Which every time leads to Obi reprimanding both of them after stopping and/or saving them or the others from them. Obi is like this tired single parent looking after two crackhead of a kids. Also Padme should be included, maybe like I put in the tags.

Could someone please write this?

Feel free to reblog and if someone knows who writes for this fandom or this type of stories, tell me.

My masterlist for my blogs mcavoy-girl and callsignmayhem

mcavoy-girl:

Loving and losing Dean Winchester x female reader

We'll be okay Dean Winchester x female reader

Stay with me Dean Winchester x female reader

Till we're grey and old Charles Xavier x female reader

Just like you Charles Xavier x female reader, Erik Lehnsherr x female reader

You son of an bitch Logan Howlett x female reader

Not broken Charles Xavier x female reader

Let me help you Charles Xavier x female reader, mentions of needles, alcohol and drugs used as medicine.

The final act of kindness/I gave them their happiness Robbie Turner x female reader from Atonement

Live without shame Robbie Turner x female reader from Atonement

Come back to me Robbie Turner x female reader from Atonement

The life you lived Robbie Turner x female reader from Atonement

callsignmayhem:

Kisses on fingertips Jake Seresin x female reader

Memories prequel/sequel/continuation to Kisses on fingertips, Jake Seresin x female reader

The letter he left you (kisses on fingertips-universe) Jake Seresin x female reader

Pictures (kisses on fingertips-universe) not a fic but pictures I made for the story

Flyboy and his darlings Jake Seresin x female reader

Others:

List of characters we need more fanfiction written about

Also this song which I think somehow fits both "kisses on fingertips and "memories" (just my opinion)

I might edit my fics every now and then

Been thinking about getting a tattoo. Just have trouble deciding what sort of one, where and what size. Something that is a nod to a fandom but can be viewed as non-fandom tattoo too.

(I am not big fan of needles, but I think I can go through getting one tattoo. Maybe for starters I will get a small one.)

People who have tattoos, any tips or ideas about the placement and size and so on? And which body parts hurt more to get tattooed, etc...