They Say I Dodged A Bullet, But Why Can't I Believe It?

They say I dodged a bullet, but why can't I believe it?

Hope Hurts

You came back for a moment,

But not in the way I wished you would.

You came back,

And I lost it

Because you didn't come back to stay.

Hope stabbed me in the heart again.

“I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.”

— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Nothing

I guess it's time to forget you,

To push down my all-consuming emotions

And embrace the feeling of nothingness

That always inevitably devours me whole.

Happy Birthday

Dear big bro,

Today is your birthday. Today you would've been 30 years old, and I would've rubbed my youth in your face just to be cheeky. It's your birthday, yet it's the 5th one you haven't been alive to celebrate. Obviously, I wish you were here. I wish you had made it past 25.

If you were here today, I would watch a movie with you--any movie you would've wanted to watch. I would buy you an ice cream cake and sing happy birthday like every other year. I would even smoke a black & mild with you outside because I know how much that would've meant to you.

I would tell you how proud of you I was then--and still am now--for getting up each day and trying again even though it wasn't easy (it was excruciatingly painful). I would tell you I forgive you for the pain you caused when you were in the throes of your battle with addiction. I would tell you I love you--that I always did even when I was hurt and angry--and that I always will.

And I would also apologize for not being there for you when you needed support most. I would tell you I'm sorry that I closed myself off in my pain instead of trying to understand you.

And of course, I would thank you for being my big brother--for being such an important and beautiful part of my life.

Happy birthday, Zach.

I love you and I miss you (always).

Lovesick Insomniac

Before you, I hadn’t let myself fall in love with someone so deeply. I learned from past experience that it’s safer to keep your heart closed so nothing and no one can hurt it. 

But when I met you, things felt different. You felt safe. You radiated such beautiful kindness and warmth that I finally let my heart open, bit by bit. Before I knew it, my heart had blossomed--and it was all for you. My heart belonged to you, then.

And even though I walked away from you, my heart still belongs to you. Even though you didn’t want me like I did you, I am still yours. I wish that I wasn’t, but apparently you don’t get to choose. It has been almost a week since we’ve parted, but you’re still the first person on my mind when I wake in the morning and the last person on it at night. Those are the worst times of day for me now, and even in my sleep I cannot escape you because you haunt my dreams. The other night I dreamt I was kissing you. I woke up smiling, but then the fog lifted.

So, instead of sleeping, I’ve been staying awake at night thinking about all the reasons I shouldn’t reach out to you...and all the reasons I should. I remind myself all the reasons I walked away in an attempt to stay strong and try to move on like I know I should. But my strength--my anger-fueled determination to put myself first--burns brightly for only a few hours until it leaves again. When it’s gone, my appetite goes with it and is replaced by constant nausea. My anger disappears and leaves nothing but the deepest sadness. It’s the kind of sadness that’s filled with longing, despair, and regret. Because...I miss you. I just fucking miss you.

Before you, I didn’t truly understand what it meant to be lovesick. Well, I get it now, and it sucks. Even so, I’ll never regret letting myself fall in love with you--even if that makes me a fool.