Nothing

Nothing

I guess it's time to forget you,

To push down my all-consuming emotions

And embrace the feeling of nothingness

That always inevitably devours me whole.

I miss you.

So, I am still sad.

But my sadness has morphed into a new kind.

Now it's a quiet, calm, baby blue

Sort of sadness.

One that is no longer violent.

One that no longer screams.

This sadness tumbles gently forward

Like waves onto a sandy shore--

Bringing with it sweet memories of you

Swaddled in sorrow.

I welcome this sadness--

These memories.

Sorrow and all---

Because they're fragments of you.

And

Despite everything,

I adore you.

I adore you,

And

I always will.

Swimming Lessons

The thing about him is

I'm not "crazy" about him

But it turns out that's a good thing.

He and I--

We see each other fully.

We disagree.

We say ugly words to each other.

We struggle to understand.

But

We still love.

Every time I want to run away,

He shocks me.

He shocks me back to life

By staying even when it's hard--

Even when my emotions are tidal waves

That knock us both over.

He stays.

He stays

And weathers the storms with me.

He stays

And treads water with me.

He

Stays.

At a certain point, I realized I couldn't try to make us work anymore. I realized I couldn't, and even more, I realized I didn't want to be the only one fighting for us any longer.

I realized I want so much more than to keep myself stuck feeling how I've felt my whole life--lonely.

So I let you go.

My favorite way to punish myself for existing

Is holding onto people I should've already let go.