Letting the feelings fly
46 posts
Mercurialmink - Secrets I Keep - Tumblr Blog
Happy Birthday
Dear big bro,
Today is your birthday. Today you would've been 30 years old, and I would've rubbed my youth in your face just to be cheeky. It's your birthday, yet it's the 5th one you haven't been alive to celebrate. Obviously, I wish you were here. I wish you had made it past 25.
If you were here today, I would watch a movie with you--any movie you would've wanted to watch. I would buy you an ice cream cake and sing happy birthday like every other year. I would even smoke a black & mild with you outside because I know how much that would've meant to you.
I would tell you how proud of you I was then--and still am now--for getting up each day and trying again even though it wasn't easy (it was excruciatingly painful). I would tell you I forgive you for the pain you caused when you were in the throes of your battle with addiction. I would tell you I love you--that I always did even when I was hurt and angry--and that I always will.
And I would also apologize for not being there for you when you needed support most. I would tell you I'm sorry that I closed myself off in my pain instead of trying to understand you.
And of course, I would thank you for being my big brother--for being such an important and beautiful part of my life.
Happy birthday, Zach.
I love you and I miss you (always).
At a certain point, I realized I couldn't try to make us work anymore. I realized I couldn't, and even more, I realized I didn't want to be the only one fighting for us any longer.
I realized I want so much more than to keep myself stuck feeling how I've felt my whole life--lonely.
So I let you go.
Oscar Wilde, De Profundis // @i-wrotethisforme // Jorge Louis Berges // @smokeinsilence //@viridianmasquerade //Jorge Louis Berges // @honeytuesday // Kaveh Akbar // F. Scott Fitzgerald // AKR //Olivie Blake, from “Alone With You in the Ether” // Kaveh Akbar, Pilgrimage
My favorite way to punish myself for existing
Is holding onto people I should've already let go.
“Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone”
— Unknown
Daddy Issues
Oops
It happened again.
The words that left your mouth
Transformed you into my father
And left me an obstinate
Shameful human mistake
Who would rather die than look you in the eyes again.
Swimming Lessons
The thing about him is
I'm not "crazy" about him
But it turns out that's a good thing.
He and I--
We see each other fully.
We disagree.
We say ugly words to each other.
We struggle to understand.
But
We still love.
Every time I want to run away,
He shocks me.
He shocks me back to life
By staying even when it's hard--
Even when my emotions are tidal waves
That knock us both over.
He stays.
He stays
And weathers the storms with me.
He stays
And treads water with me.
He
Stays.
“I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.”
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
Thank you.
Thank you for reminding me how chaos feels.
Because otherwise, I may not have taken a leap with someone "boring"--someone who is consistent, reliable, and honest.
Thank you for showing me that "boring" is exactly what I need.
“It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are.”
— E. Lockhart
It was you. It was always you.
You were always the one I would've chosen.
And you chose someone else.
I miss you.
So, I am still sad.
But my sadness has morphed into a new kind.
Now it's a quiet, calm, baby blue
Sort of sadness.
One that is no longer violent.
One that no longer screams.
This sadness tumbles gently forward
Like waves onto a sandy shore--
Bringing with it sweet memories of you
Swaddled in sorrow.
I welcome this sadness--
These memories.
Sorrow and all---
Because they're fragments of you.
And
Despite everything,
I adore you.
I adore you,
And
I always will.
“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”
— Epiphany
How dare I let myself believe that anyone could ever actually love me.
Can we just
Pretend we never met
And start all over?
Don't talk. Just walk.
Did I walk away too soon?
Could we have fixed things---
Talked it out---
Found a compromise?
After what you said,
That you didn't know what you wanted
That you wanted me on your terms
That you had "no desire to change" your behavior
It felt like the answer was clearly stated.
Because I realized then,
That, to you, I'm someone
Who's not even worth a conversation.
And that tells me
That walking away was the right choice,
Even if sometimes it still doesn't feel like it.
Remember
Do you remember that night we spent on the floor, playing Pokémon? We must've kissed for hours, laying on that floor together. Afterward, you rested your head on my lap and stared up at me with your soul-snatching eyes. It was the first time I ever felt safe being so close to someone. Even though we were still basically strangers...you felt like home.
That night. That's when I knew I was yours.
Hope Hurts
You came back for a moment,
But not in the way I wished you would.
You came back,
And I lost it
Because you didn't come back to stay.
Hope stabbed me in the heart again.
They say I dodged a bullet, but why can't I believe it?
How Do You Fall Asleep When Your Heart Is In A Million Fucking Pieces?
Lovesick Insomniac
Before you, I hadn’t let myself fall in love with someone so deeply. I learned from past experience that it’s safer to keep your heart closed so nothing and no one can hurt it.
But when I met you, things felt different. You felt safe. You radiated such beautiful kindness and warmth that I finally let my heart open, bit by bit. Before I knew it, my heart had blossomed--and it was all for you. My heart belonged to you, then.
And even though I walked away from you, my heart still belongs to you. Even though you didn’t want me like I did you, I am still yours. I wish that I wasn’t, but apparently you don’t get to choose. It has been almost a week since we’ve parted, but you’re still the first person on my mind when I wake in the morning and the last person on it at night. Those are the worst times of day for me now, and even in my sleep I cannot escape you because you haunt my dreams. The other night I dreamt I was kissing you. I woke up smiling, but then the fog lifted.
So, instead of sleeping, I’ve been staying awake at night thinking about all the reasons I shouldn’t reach out to you...and all the reasons I should. I remind myself all the reasons I walked away in an attempt to stay strong and try to move on like I know I should. But my strength--my anger-fueled determination to put myself first--burns brightly for only a few hours until it leaves again. When it’s gone, my appetite goes with it and is replaced by constant nausea. My anger disappears and leaves nothing but the deepest sadness. It’s the kind of sadness that’s filled with longing, despair, and regret. Because...I miss you. I just fucking miss you.
Before you, I didn’t truly understand what it meant to be lovesick. Well, I get it now, and it sucks. Even so, I’ll never regret letting myself fall in love with you--even if that makes me a fool.
What I Wish I Could Tell You
I wish I could tell you to leave him--to run away and never look back. But I can’t. You still love him (the potential you’ve always seen in him). You still have hope that one day he’ll change--that one day he’ll buy you gifts on your birthday and comfort you when you cry.
You’ve seen who he really is (an empty shell), but you don’t believe it yet. You can’t believe it because you still think that it’s you. You know you don’t deserve to be cheated on, insulted, and silenced. You know that...but you don’t believe it. You think, “if I just try a little harder and do a little more for him, then things will be better. He’ll stop hurting me”. But the truth is he won’t--because this isn’t about you. It’s about him, and it always has been.
No matter how much harder you try or how long you wait, it will never be enough. A black hole is insatiable, and you are already running on empty. He will keep taking your light until you, too, are an empty shell--a husk of who you once were.
I wish I could tell you that you’ll feel so much lighter once you’re free of him--that home won’t feel like a prison anymore and you’ll be able to breathe without the constant weight of fear suffocating you.
I wish I could tell you that I know all of this because I’ve lived a story just like yours--that I, too, was afraid to leave despite knowing I deserved better. That I, too, betrayed myself over and over again all in the hopes of winning the love of someone who never even existed in the first place.
I can’t tell you this, and I won’t. But that’s ok--because you’ll figure all of this out on your own, in your own time. I know you will, because you are strong.