And When Bojack Said

and when bojack said

Life is a bitch and then you die, right?

and diane replied

Sometimes. Sometimes life is a bitch and then you keep living

AND WHEN LIFE IS A BITCH AND THEN YOU KEEP LIVING and there’s no resolution to your sadness or rage or whatever is troubling your mind. and then you come home after spending the whole day living that routine you despise, and there's nothing you can do about but accept it and collapse, exhausted, into bed, enjoying the counted minutes of a monotonous relief that never ventures beyond that. and then you wake up the next day to the same condemnation, knowing that your life will be a repetition of that Dull feeling, varying only in degrees according to the situation. and then you find palliatives here and there, useless little things that make you tolerate the next minute, but the next hour still comes — and the hour after that too. and then the years keep passing and you do nothing but keep accepting it, bc change is merely the illusion of a hope, a concept to cling to. and life is a bitch, and you're exhausted, and everything seems so desperately Wrong and Way Too Much, but you don't die. you don't die. worse, even: You Keep Living. and then you have to deal with everything you did and everything that was done to you.

And Then— And Then— and then what.

toxic yuri is both the reason i’m still alive and the reason i’m willing to die the most painful death ever experienced, your honor. i’m sorry you don’t have the same urge to see two women who absolutely despise each other (but — oh god, wait for it — Not Really. Not At All) and had done terrible things to one another Making Out Furiously, while knowing they’ll never get a chance to be happy together bc something very shitty happened and they’ve done very shitty things themselves. i don’t know what else to say. joke’s on you.

i was thinking about making a new list about my favorite books of all time™️ but i’d start with A Little Life and would ramble about it non-stop. also — i would be so lost into it that A Little Life would be the ONLY book in my list. at this point of my life, that might be right.

(it is not! my 17 year old version still have A LOT to say about some books; my boring 20 yrs old version, however, got lost in track of time and — guess what! — barely reads anything but academic texts. what a shitty end)

im about to do what i always do when life gets Too Shitty: im going to rewatch Bojack Horseman. yes. bc you know what. life could be a LOT worse like that goddamn horse made very fucking clear