Smile

smile

in which, simon likes to play a game and make baz smile.

baz

“Smile,” he demands.

I raise an eyebrow at him as he cups my cheek with a hand.

“Come on, Baz. One smile. Please?”

I frown.

“Darling? Dear? Love? Pumpkin? Sweetie pie? Precious?”

I grimace.

“Pretty please? For me?”

I don’t respond. He pouts and reaches for my sides. He’s tried this before. He knows I’m not ticklish.

But he is. Ridiculously so.

I grab him before his hands even reach me and he’s shouting/laughing within seconds. He starts to lean backwards, instinctively trying to get away from me before he realizes there’s nothing there. I catch him before he falls. Like a responsible boyfriend.

And, Crowley, I have to bite my cheek to keep from smiling at this. His face is red and his eyes are watery from laughter and he’s still got a massive grin on his face. He wipes at his eyes and I pull him back onto the couch.

And I know what he’s going to try next. It used to work. He leans forward and  plants a gentle kiss right on my unmoving lips. It makes me feel warm all over, but I don’t let myself respond to it.

He tilts his head back and searches my face. When I don’t budge, he sighs deeply and let his forehead fall onto my shoulder. He’s giving up.

I let one hand find his curls and the other find his waist. I let myself relax. And smile.

Simon tries to lift his head, and I know I can’t get rid of it before he sees. On impulse, I hold him down. He squirms in my grasp.

“You’re smiling!” he accuses.

“No, I’m not.”

He wings start flapping wildly.

“I can hear it in your voice!”

“That’s impossible,” I laugh.

“You’re impossible!”

I let him go and his head whips up. I’m still laughing as he pouts at me.

Eventually though, he smiles too. He pecks me on the cheek.

“I like it when you smile.”

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THANK YOU ELEA!! I think you’re pretty amazing too 💗💗

life away

Life changes. Mostly in small amounts that you never really notice. Sometimes bigger things, but things that don’t affect your life personally. Mostly it just seems too far away to matter. Like hearing about an earthquake halfway around the world. Yeah, it’s sad, but you’ll forget about it eventually. You’re allowed to do that. It didn’t happen to you.

And then life changes in a big way. a really big way.

This isn’t the way it works. This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen.

It seems distant until it happens to you. Then it’s up close and personal.

And you don’t understand why everyone else treats it as a distant problem.

This is huge. Why don’t you care?

The world spins at 1,040 miles per hour but nobody feels a thing.

Distant news.

december 30 2017

Yesterday was a good day. I was really happy. and my heart was fuller than it’s been in half a year.

But last night it was kind of breaking because I know that I won’t be that happy for a while.

and I’m dreading tomorrow

after laughs

She takes a deep breath in and immediately regrets it because now she doesn’t know what to do with all this excess air. She can feel it taking up space and swirling around behind her ribs. It makes her feel giddy and confused and completely delirious.

So she laughs.

Only it feels more like sobbing.

And once she’s run out of air for laugh-sobbing, she inevitably takes another breath and is forced to start all over again.

She laugh-sobs until the muscles in her stomach tense so hard they hurt, and her fists curl into themselves like black holes.

She uses up all the air until she isn’t breathing at all.

background of life

she’ll be laughing and crying and she won’t be denying that her emotions are way too out of whack

she’ll be singing sweetly and speaking meekly ‘cause her voice has never had her back

and she has always known that she is just an extra in the background of life