My Story Began A Few Decades Ago And I Dont Want To Bore You With The Details. My Mum Passed Away About

My story began a few decades ago and i dont want to bore you with the details. My mum passed away about 28 years ago and that is when my fear of death sort of started I guess. Growing up without a mother was always weird and my dad over compensated for it but it was never enough. I feel guilty saying this but i hated sharing my dad with my step mother. It doesn't help that when i was 8 after my dad remarried i was shipped over to stay with my auntie who lived about 5 hours away.

Its a funny story actually, how it happened. So because i was young and and was still bed wetting because of lack of training since no mother was in sight and no female in the house meant no supervision but, still we were clean and all. As soon as she came after a few months my siblings and i had white fat worms coming out of our bodies 😨😨 from God knows what. I mean tbh what kind of step mother was that.

So yeah we were shipped to our father's sister's houses to stay with them. It's not easy though being an inconvenience in other people's homes especially when your own father is alive. So i guess i was always angry about that. I stayed with my aunt for 5 years until i was done with primary school. I was asthmatic but i was healthy in all other aspects. Everything else i guess was okay. I was happy had good friends.

However i will tell you one day the tale tells of the area we lived in. There's lots of stuff that happened behind the scenes that other students discussed at school that was scary but im not sure if they were true.

I miss my mum, i wish she was here with me today😏

Anyways, cheers for today..

So m bored these days and then i decided to change the colour of my hair from brown which is what i usually prefer to always renew, which is like sunkissed blonde to baby pink right? But things don't go as planned because i was duped by thr Instagram lady who sold me the hair color.

So i decided to bleach it to blonde just in case i was missing something and that's the reason why it won't turn baby pink. And you know how my luck is, being black and all. I haf to renew my visa and they said to me nope you need to have black colour for your hair because your are black. So what did i do. I went home and quickly changed my hair color to black within 10 minutes. Even for that was too quick but i had to go back for my appointment. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Fast forward a week later now my hair is turning gray 😁😁😁 OMG can i get a break. So i had to bleach it again. The good thing was i had bought new hair color from ashop close to my house from brand vida fire red and i was like at least it's not a shouting colour so i will be fine right? Or so you would think.

I still had my bleach left over and after bleaching i put on my fire red only to find out that it was not really red but pink, like bright, really bright pink. Now im spotting a very bright pink colored hair and all of a sudden i have some color in my life.

I mean who am i to complain right?

Im worried my therapist will think there is a reason to worry about me considering i have been making progress 😁😁 now all of a sudden i have bipolar too on top of all that i am being treated for. I mean... it would suck to get rhough another round of meds considering i have started new medication recently like last month already.

Talking about being impulsive, im adopting a dog tomorrow so watch this space!!!!

As always i will keep holding on

Until then🤗🤗🤗💋💋💋💋

Well i used to get this a lot except that now i just don't... and i still feel bad because now that they kept quiet i feel like is it because im hopeless now.. did i gain too much weight now 😭🥺🥺 i hate that about myself i weigh myself everyday... its so sad really

““Maybe you should stop eating, I mean look at yourself.””

— —  my mother

Breathing

My president Kim Nam Joon once said that “the struggle is to go insane whilst trying to be sane”.

Depression is a bitch guys. My confession today was supposed to be calm and collected. But I feel murderous and drugged. I'm tired of side effects and taking endless pills. For anxiety and for depression. Each of these pills have their own side effects and they sometimes clash and i am the person who suffers.

Starting 2020 i decided to go the right path and seek help. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I had entertainment depression and we were more than acquainted, super close. In the beginning she would visit here and there but she started moving her clothes into house slowly. I mean im nice i kept being nice i will just keep quiet if she needs me to be quiet and sleep if that is what she wanted. I wish she didn't required that i eat so much at the expense of my budget but yeah. She stood by me. I met a few friends who wanted to be close to me and i decided to ditch her she never said anything at all. She just have me some space and allowed me to be myself.

So my friends only lasted a few fun weeks and i started missing depression my long time close friend. So i called her up and it turns out she never left. She was just here with me all along waiting. The girls i became friends with were clowns and so i came back home to my close buddy who had never left.

I have known her since i was in primary school maybe sometime around 10. My life was highly unstable with too much relocation and feelings of being unwanted and not being able to fit in. She welcomed me and gave me a place. Where i fit in and allowed me to wallow on my misery. She looks at me with eyes that are never filled with judgement and allows me to condemn myself and agrees with me whenever i feed myself lies, or maybe it's her talking, I have no idea. Sometimes I can not tell us apart.

In 2019 however she became too comfortable and or maybe i became too much for her to such an extent that she called her cousin from out of town to visit in my own house without my permission. So one day all of a sudden Anxiety introduced herself to me. I said but we have met before, i hate you and she just laughed and took a sit. She made herself comfortable in my own home and together they took so much space that i became a slave in my own house.

So every day i was struggling with making decisions about everything. I went to celebrate my birthday in a beautiful country in Asia and anxiety decided to tag along uninvited. The worst thing about her is that then she brings all her cousins and nasty friends to the party. Lack of confidence, low self esteem, self doubt, self image issues and then energy has left the chat, then sleep has left the chat, and then everything automatically looks and sounds off.

Well that became the most difficult year of my adulthood. Such that when 2020 came i was ready to start afresh. But then again I had no idea what 2020 had in store for the world I just wanted to seek help for myself and try to start afresh.

I started therapy and knocked of anxiety, said hello and bye to panic attacks, nightmares, weight gain and weight loss now hallucinations and dizziness.... it's a never ending story of my life filled with drama Sometimes i feel like the main actress of a sad movie and a high budget box office hit super sad movie.

Will the story ever end? How? I can't wait to find out, hopefully soon....

I hope to keep holding on until then...

😘😘😘😘💜💜✌✌✌

Today was unproductive as usual and i kept getting bad news one after another. Someone closest to me told me they want to get divorced and then im just like its a few months into the marriage like wtf. I don't know i guess i don't have the answers to it all. I mean i don't have my own answers so i better not dwell on this one for too long. Im bleeding for them though as always cos i love them and they are a big part of my life that i cherishe the most.

Anyways growing up in the countryside there was a lot of talk on witchcraft and stuff and that is what i wanted to talk about. I feel like i have this constant battle between religious beliefs and psychology. So when i get stressed out or when something happens to me whether its my fault because of behaviour or something psychology has an explanation and then religion has an explanation too. Sometimes i find myself in the middle torn and that drives me crazy.

Growing up we saw ghosts around, my grandmother used to talk to them and she used to tell them to go back to their families if they linger around our house. She would tell me about it the following morning and then say did you see it and i would be like 🥵 no i would be dead if i did. Or there would be an owl crying all night right, and then she would go out snd tell it to go back to its sender and then it would go.

One of my cousins was once beaten up by somethings that we did not see right and then he was brought home to my grandparents' home. They then called like a shaman who was my granny's sister's son and his wife and they would chant the whole night and throw water and salt on him whilst talking to spirits. Then my cousin would just wake up. This happened at least three times when i was staying with my nana for the holidays in the country when my father was still alive.

This has always confused me tbh. How can i not be messed up growing up in such an environment though. When my father was sick well omg i saw it all. He had cancer kaposi sarcoma hiv related. Well back then with stigmatization and lack of knowledge we had no idea what the hell was that. The cancer was discovered late and the hiv even later. So he unfortunately died before getting help. But did he try to survive? Man my father went down with a fight. He tried it all. All doctors, chemotherapy, traditional healers, traditional medicine, prophets, traditional prophets and all that you can even think of. I will not be surprised to hear that he pledged us his children to save his life. That is how much he wanted to live.

I guess he wanted to live for us so that we do not become orphans i will not blame him for that i guess. Im just salty that's all. So growkng up surounded by all this weirdness im actually surprised that i turned out sort of okay and im not prophet or a traditional healer myself 😁😁😁. However the struggle continues with dreams that come true and declarations that shake things up such that im even scared.

And recently something happened that has shaken me up and im scared my parents in trying to stay alive they might have pledged me some where and this worries me a lot. I pray day and night about but somehow i can't seem tk get a breakthrough. I have consulted pastors and great men of faith and no one has helped me and hence depression heightened and that brings me to the here and now 😪😪😪 anyways

Until next time i will hold on 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

Okay i swear i did not mean to laugh or be mean or anything but, hear me out... anyone who has dealt with nightmares and paranoia will understand my humor. Its so dry it will put the sahara desert to shame but it still will make me laugh and been laughing all day today. I mean who took this video though. That's just hilarious but in a way a private moment for the baby boo.

So early this year i have been having crazy nightmares and yeah its been quite rough. I would often wake up like this dog on a couple of occasions. Sometimes i would be screaming out loud and its a good thing i stay alone otherwise that would be so weird. My first time waking up screaming and my voice was super horse and were tears streaming down my face and well i was so confused.

I kept crying silently but i was confused as hell like wtf. Why was i even so emotional and yeah i knew i was right to seek medical help. So i kept seing my psychiatrist and tbh i was in no mood to talk so i was not talking to any psychologist at that time. So i kept taking medication. The nightmares kept on for what felt like years infact now i look back it was only just a few months. Well now its a thing of the past i sleep like a baby and i hope that dog get treatment for that.

The moment i saw this gif everything came back and i was like OMG did i act out like that too? Did something like that happen to me too? I mean it was my first time to watch it happen to someone else and imagine that it was myself and that's when i lost it. I just kept laughing and feeling sorry for the doggie but well that must have some strange ass dream.

Now the million dollar question is... what was it about? Food? Fights? Bath? Well i guess we will never know.

As always i will keep holding on.

I actually m doing better these days after a few rough few weeks. So I thank God for that.

Until next time.💜🤗💋💋