I Miss Being Warm

I miss being warm

The inviting kind of warm

The ‘come sit by the fireplace’ kind of warm

I miss hoodies and blankets and warm slippers

I miss being lovingly bundled up with a coat and scarf

I miss how it felt like a hug all day long

Now being warm is suffocating

Its frustrating and a catalyst for longing

It’s lying on the floor with a heart that beats too fast

It’s burning skin and a flushing face

Now I must face the cold

Lonely and uncomfortable

No more steaming hot showers or hugging the vent

No more walks in the summer or lying in the sun

Now warmth just means I can’t sleep

I write for myself, the little word goblin in my head, and my three tumblr followers

I want to fail.

I want to fail over and over again, until I don’t replay it endlessly in my mind, until I don’t think about it when I try to fall asleep, until it doesn’t bring tears to my eyes, until I don’t want to brand the word failure across my face, until it just feels like a lesson, until I can recognize it for what it is, until I see it’s just a part of life.

I want to fail and be okay with it.

This is Love (3 hero/villain snippets)

(All based on the song “This is Love” by Air Traffic Controller)

1. Run

“Villain,” Hero acknowledged with a slight inclination of their head. “Back again so soon?”

“What can I say,” Villain grinned back, all teeth. “I just love to pick a fight.”

Hero readies themselves for the inevitable attack, planting their feet wider and placing a hand on one of several throwing knives strapped to their thigh.

“This time, I won’t let you win,” declared Villain.

Hero did not bother to indulge the jab, instead focusing on the move that they intended to distract from. Villain’s own knife sailed past them on the right as they dodged smoothly to the left.

Quick to respond, Hero sent two of their blades into the air in rapid succession. They both narrowly missed the target, one drawing just a single drop of blood from Villain’s ear.

Villain rolled, ducking behind a barrel before popping out the other side while simultaneously loosing their last long range dagger.

Hero tracked them easily, and they were ready to block the blow with a makeshift shield. The knife lodged itself in the wooden board and Hero chucked it back to the side where they had found it.

“Get your blood pumping yet?” Villain called from behind the corner of the brick building they had moved to.

“Not hardly,” Hero replied, palming two more daggers and stalking towards the alley in which they heard the villain’s voice.

“Don’t worry,” Hero turned the corner just in time to see the maniacal grin spread across Villain’s face. “I have just the thing.”

Hero raised their throwing arms just as Villain reached into their back waistband and pulled out a gun.

“Now, let’s see how fast you can run.”

2. Betrayal

(tw: mention of past abuse, mention of suicidal ideation, toxic relationship)

“I’m an idiot for thinking…all those late shifts, God, I just thought you were saving up for us! To think you were out there….doing, doing those…those things,” she spat, and she didn’t stop there. “And the laundry, GOD I praised you for helping out. I didn’t think…why would I ever think! The hydrogen peroxide…the cold cycles!” Her voice carried nothing but despair when she realized, “Everytime I thought you were spoiling me, you were really just destroying evidence! Oh my god, and the gifts-“

“I was going to tell you,” Villain replied evenly, holding his hands up placatingly.

“Don’t you even start with me. Where is this necklace from?” She questioned, looping a finger under the chain and shaking the charm violently, “Did you get it from that heist I heard about? The one two towns over, out that old highway-“ Lover paused to suck in a affronted breath before she renewed, “Where did you get my ring! I swear to god, if you got my engagement ring off some poor dead woman before you got down on one knee-“

“I bought that ring. How could you ever think I could do that to you-“ Villain responded with only the smallest hint of malice in his tone.

“You could kill me! And maybe you should!” Lover shouted, before sinking to their knees on the kitchen floor, body racked with sobs. “God, I’m stupid. I’m so, so STUPID.”

Villain stared at the form of his lover, fallen to the tiles, curled up against a wooden cabinet. His face didn’t change, remaining impassive as he kneeled beside the love of his life.

“I knew it would go like this,” he started with what seemed like calmness, but if you knew him well enough—like Lover did—you would know that this was his true anger. “You say that we are partners, we fall in love, we get married,” something like disdain crept in between his words, “but once you see the darkness, you get uncomfortable and you forget all about who I really am-“

Lover scoffed loudly, a sound Villain would have been pleased to hear from her if directed at anyone else.

“You must love playing the victim. Do you actually believe that? That I couldn’t handle this?”

“I was good once, you know? I could’ve been what you wanted, back then, before my father beat it out of me,” he spoke matter-of-factly, voice devoid of any emotion.

“You know, what you’re doing out there…,” Lover shook her head. “You’re just a part of a pattern. When you make others feel your pain, you’re just continuing the cycle. And you’ve done nothing to get out!” She explained. “God, Villain, what if we had kids?!”

Lover slowly pulled herself up off the ground, clutching the countertop for balance.

“Everyone who’s tried to fix me knows that I can’t change. This is just who I am. I could promise you that I’ll try. Then you’ll forgive me, and then we’ll move on and—like always—nothing will really change. You’ll play house and pretend everything isn’t the exact same-”

“I am not your past lovers, Villain. Do not make assumptions about my decisions,” her words burned with thinly-veiled fury. “I want this to work. I really do. I love you.” She added, some doubt creeping, “It’s pathetic, I know. Especially to someone like you-”

“It’s not pathetic to love me. This is love, and I’m not going to just let you leave like it was nothing. I’m a jealous fool who won’t let go. You know that. I don’t want to see you with someone else,” he admitted, and he spoke it like a true confession.

“Then work with me! Let’s make up for it. All of it. Let’s do good,” she clasped his hands and looked up at his face, trying to catch his eyes.

“What if I don’t want to do good? If I was sorry for my actions, I would have shame. I would never stoop as low as to have pride in what I do. You should be disgusted by me,” he stared past his fiancée towards the window above the sink and watched the evening light filter through.

“You really are a fool. Don’t you understand?” Lover grabbed him by the chin and forced him to meet her gaze. “I would've taken you. Skeletons and all. If you had just told me. You didn’t have to hide. We could've figured it out together. We’re supposed to do this together.” She held up her ring finger to punctuate her point.

“It’s too late now,” he tried to break away, but Lover held strong, “I've got nothing left to give you. Without you I have nothing. No laughs. No joy. No reason to live. This is over.”

“You cannot put that on me. That’s not fair. You’re sick. This kind of love will only make you mad,” Lover defended, but it didn’t seem to Villain like she really believed it. Her face fell, like she could hear the untruth in her words, too.

“I’m sorry, Lover.”

“I know, baby. I know.”

…

Lover had no regrets as she perched on the rooftop with Villain, hiding in the shadows and waiting for the target to pass by. A figure crossed the street below them, and they both smiled.

“Fuck it, this is love.”

3. Bank Robbery

Hero struggled fiercely against the two men at her sides, jerking her arms where they held her and cursing when they didn’t budge. These guys were ridiculously strong, and impassive to any of her attempts to free herself. Both their expressions were hidden behind black ski masks, which naturally made them hard to read. She was actively trying to jam one in the foot when another man approached.

“Ah ah,” tutted the third man, obviously the leader and the only one who had spoken thus far. “Do I really need to say it?” He asked as he rested the butt of the gun against Hero’s forehead.

Hero went still but continued to glare into the mask of the man in front of her. Unfortunately, this only seemed to amuse him.

Outside, the other heroes could be heard arriving. Deafening sirens and the cheer of the crowd gave them away easily. Hero couldn’t see the leader’s face, but she could somehow still swear he grinned and his eyes lit up with glee.

He placed his hands on both of her shoulders as he spoke, “Perfect, now you can actually be of some use.” At the same time, the two burly men released her.

Before Hero had time to start formulating any sort of a plan, the leader used his hands to shove her out in front of him, making her stumble towards the doors. Hero whipped back around to face him, not wanting any of these people to be out of her line of sight for long.

“I think you’d better tell your friends to go,” he suggested, then added casually, “And if you try to talk to someone, well then,” He gestured lazily with his weapon, pointing it towards the cowering mass of civilians across the room, “someone has to die.”

Hero could hear the quiet whimpering of some of the hostages as she walked towards the door. She was shadowed by one of the men that had held her earlier, no doubt so he could listen in on anything she did (or didn’t) say.

Great, so these criminals weren’t quite as dumb as they looked.

With no other reasonable course of action coming to mind, Hero crossed the lobby with a straight back and chin held high.

“I have it handled, guys,” she called out conversationally when she reached the glass entryway. “Seriously, go home.”

Hero threw back a glance to the group of robbers, and she once again found herself with the uncanny feeling of being able to tell the leader’s expression—this time, a sneer.

So definitely not what he was going for. Oh well, he should have been more specific. Hero certainly wasn’t going to go beg. That just wasn’t in the job description.

Confident in her attempt, Hero walked back towards the vault and shrugged her shoulders.

“I tried.”

She could hear the snarl in his voice when he spoke.

“You think that’s funny? I’ll show you what’s funny-“

Except, he never got the chance. You see, all Hero ever really had to do was rile them up. After that, criminals basically do the job for you.

He was too blinded by anger to see her grab for his gun, and his lackeys were too busy underestimating her to bother to point their own weapons in her direction.

When glass shattered and the rest of the heroes busted in, all the soon-to-be-prisoners were already on the ground.

“I told you guys, I had it handled.”

Hero’s Teddy Bear

The fire alarm was already blaring by the time Villain crossed the threshold into Hero’s room. Behind them, people rushed out into the hall holding various items of importance, including but not limited to small children and all types of electronic devices. Villain breathed deeply, the smell of gasoline pungent in the air. They smiled.

All they had to do now was drop the match and wait.

A few minutes passed, and a quarter of the building was now engulfed in flames. Dozens of people were huddled out on the street, some clutching pets and most still dressed in pajamas. Villain went completely unnoticed under the almost-blinding red and white lights of the fire trucks. They watched with satisfaction that grew with the inferno until a secondary commotion drew their attention away from the glowing orange and towards the entrance to the lobby. Villain was delighted to see Hero running towards the burning apartment, fear and surprise etched clearly into their face. Several firefighters were attempting to hold them back, yelling sense about safety and smoke inhalation. They may as well have been trying to talk down the flames themselves for all the good it was doing to calm the hero.

Finally accepting that they weren’t going to get through the line of emergency personnel out front, Hero retreated back towards the crowd, possibly hoping to sneak around back and scale the fire escape to their apartment.

“You keep it a little hot up there, don’t you think?” Villain taunted, stepping out of the crowd behind the line of rescue vehicles to stand behind Hero.

Hero whirled at the sound of their voice. Their eyes were as wild as Villain had ever seen them, blown out pupils still jumping erratically between the villain and the flames.

“I don’t have time for this,” Hero spoke quickly, “Sir Fluffs-a-lot could be burning to death up there-“

“Oh I think we have plenty of time. Fires like that take a while to put out you know- I’m sorry,” Villain cut off with a blink, “Sir who?”

“Sir Fluffs-a-lot,” Hero repeated frantically, “He’s lavender-“

“What are you- You mean that ratty old bear that definitely belongs in the trash?” Villain interjected.

“-and he has a bow tie-

…what did you just say?”

Hero went rigid. They turned slowly to face the Villain. Villain laughed nervously, unsure of Hero’s new tone.

“I mean…the very well-loved purple teddy bear you keep in your bed?” They corrected carefully.

“Villain,” Hero spoke lowly, “How do you know about Sir Fluffs-a-lot?”

“Um..”

A dangerous stare caused Villain’s confidence to drain like a freshly-cleaned sink.

“I… may have moved all your stuff out before starting the fire,” they confessed weakly, bringing up a hand to rub at the back of their neck and avoiding eye contact with Hero.

Hero’s face was plastered with a deadly calm.

“Villain,” Hero repeated, even lower than before, “Where is Sir Fluffs-a-lot?”

Instinctively, Villain took a step back.

Forgetting the burning apartment entirely, Hero stalked evenly towards the speechless Villain. When the whereabouts of their beloved teddy were still not revealed, Hero leapt forward, launching themselves at the Villain in the middle of the sidewalk.

Now it was Villain’s turn to run, and Hero’s turn to be delighted.

Bonus:

“Some more tea, Villain?”

Hero poured some more of the imaginary liquid into the cup and saucer in front of Villain. Villain mumbled their thanks, but did not reach for the cup. They couldn’t, their arms were tied to the chair.

Smiling politely, Hero brought the rose-themed teapot over to Sir Fluffs-a-lot, who sat across from Villain propped up in a high chair. He was dressed in a tiny tux with a complementary top hat, and Villain had no idea where Hero found formal clothes that fit that well. Hero poured the bear more air-tea before setting the pot down in the center of the lace tablecloth.

“Lovely weather lately, don’t you think?” Hero addressed to the group. Villain opened their mouth to reply, but sealed it shut again after Hero cut them a deadly glare. They returned their gaze to the dapperly dressed teddy.

Ah, Sir Fluffs-a-lot was speaking.

The small talk continued with roughly a third of the time spent in silence observing the replies of the smallest guest at the table. A real conversationalist, he was. Villain did their best to mind their manner, hoping to escape this mandatory tea party somewhat unscathed.

Finally, when the tea cake platter ran out, Hero turned to Villain.

“Villain, Do you have something you wish to say to Sir Fluffs-a-lot?”

Villain drew in a deep breath, then spoke in the best customer service voice they could manage, “I’m sorry for abducting you, Sir Fluffs-a-lot. It won’t happen again.”

Hero smiled to themselves, pleased. It most definitely would not.

A Blurry Encounter

“Stop!” Villain called towards the approaching Hero. They brought their weapon up to point directly at the head of their enemy and-

Their face looked…different today.

“Why would I stop?” The hero asked quizzically, tilting their head and continuing to stride towards their nemesis on the abandoned street.

“What do you mean ‘why would I- because I have a gun??”

“Oh!” Hero belatedly stopped in their tracks, then questioned, “That’s what that is?”

Villain stayed silent in confusion, looking between the hero, the weapon, and themselves.

“This?” Villain waved their hand for clarification, grip tight around the dark metal they were using to threaten the city’s savior.

Hero grimaced and took a step back.

“Sorry, it kinda blends into your outfit.”

Villain blinked at them.

“What did you think this was?” Villain questioned.

“I don’t know! Maybe if you hadn’t broken my goggles last week I would be able to see-“

“Seriously?! First of all, that was hardly my fault. That building practically fell itself; that foundation was definitely not up to code. Second of all, you seriously don’t own contacts?”

“It’s unnatural to touch your eyes! Plus, imagine the safety concerns: I could get something in my eye-“

“More unsafe than not recognizing a gun?”

Hero’s mouth formed a thin line at that.

“You could’ve just announced yourself!”

“You didn’t even realize I was threatening you?! Maybe try relying less on color blobs and more on context clues.”

“Maybe try paying more attention to your opponent,” Hero taunted, at the same time they loosed a small throwing dagger towards the preoccupied Villain.

Villain barely had time to watch the blade go whizzing past their shoulder.

“Wow. I didn’t think you were that blind-“

“You moved!”

“Sure I did,” Villain chuckled, pulling out a glint which Hero assumed to be a knife of their own.

“It’s a shame only one of us is near-sighted.”

Hero didn’t need their glasses to see that it was time to run.