46 -

46 -

I’m always venting and focused on what needs to improve. In the spirit of gratitude & enjoying life, I’m going to take a second to gush over my husband.

I feel so lucky that he loves me. All the parts of me. I don’t even have to try and that is when he loves me best (his words). Our relationship feels like I’ve been holding a breath in my whole life and now I can finally release it. I can breathe. The air is so sweet.

I find him physically attractive, yes - but he’s changed my sense of attraction. Gone are the days I’m wooed by a good looking guy, crafty banter & smooth compliments. He’s goofy, sometimes cringe, sometimes very cringe, loves dad jokes and gets all excited to explain the most mundane of things.

Flaws? I’m sure he has them but I don’t see them as flaws per se, just his little quirks or tendencies. His particulars. He struggles with expressing his feelings and he’s SO messy!!! To love him is to understand that without said quirks, he would not be him. The good comes with the “bad”.

He always orders large fries EVEN when I say I don’t want anything because he knows I’ll want a bite when they’re in front of me.

He stands up for me. He keeps my secrets.

He sees the ugly, broken parts and loves me all the more for it.

Sometimes we just touch our noses together and stare into each others eyes.

He calls me his sunflower girl.

I just love to smell him. You know what I mean?

If I am the million stars in the sky, he is the million spaces in between - holding our universe together.

He changed sex for me. It used to be about lust, validation, about proving myself. Now it’s all about connection and trusting enough to fully let go. I want to fuse his body into mine.

“It’s you and me against the world”.

Sometimes we can have a conversation without any words.

What I love most is that we can just be. I don’t have to make conversation or be cute or witty or anything, I just enjoy his presence next to mine.

Home is wherever he is.

Also, he loves to bake. Yup, that’s right!!! I just say “wow I’m craving chocolate cookies” and he’s like “say less”, then whips up a batch. Even if I tell him not to go to the trouble, HE insists.

My dog (OUR dog), is glued to his hip. Even more so than mine and I was her mom first! I get jealous sure, but secretly it’s my favorite. Like if she sees someone that vaguely looks like him from far away (read: any tall man with facial hair lol), she sprints to see if it’s him.

He is always sending me dog videos lol.

He is my steady anchor on turbulent seas.

On Sundays, our day, we watch movies and trade headrubs.

He always allots an extra 10 minutes on any target trip so that we can smell all the candles in the candle section.

Regardless of how shitty things feel, we are a team and that gives me hope.

Jenny Slate, On Love, Loneliness, & Giant Dogs

43 -

I think I’ll try to come out of this relapse now.

44 -

I started smoking weed because I couldn’t handle my alcohol (read: it made me into an asshole, among ruining my life & other things). And I didn’t have access to other things.

I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed of my using. Because I like to go go go until I’m basically comatose. Because for me, using & drinking - it’s not about the fun anymore. It’s about getting my mind to shut up, it’s about feeling calm in my chest. As my therapist says “you live life on overdrive, huh?” haha. Blame the ADHD and traumatic childhood.

It’s really depressing to read that and realize I’m talking about myself.

I guess I’ve always been like that. Whether it’s opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol, weed, anything really… whatever and how much ever it takes to get me out of my head.

It’s always when I go too hard, when I dance the fine line between life and death, that I realize I want to live. So I live. But I don’t know why.

Anyway, some life updates:

I have not drank. Nope. Not a single sip. Can’t BELIEVE IT!!! 128 days. The real test is next week when I’m in Mexico for two weeks for my wedding.

We’re cutting off the weed. I’m trying to. It’s so so so hard. For what it’s worth, I have enjoyed my mindful evening walks with a joint in my hand.

I’ve been trying to remind myself why life is worth living. The sweetness and consistency in every day.

I got a job!! It’s part time & low stress.

Most of my depression circles around “what’s the point?” and “everything people want is just societal conditioning and I dislike people” …really light stuff.

It’s not that I dislike people if I’m being honest, it’s that I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t care that much about people’s actions, and I often take people literally. Sarcasm? We don’t know her very well LOL. Also I need a lot of alone time, like A LOT. People don’t always get that.

I’ve left shame, guilt, over apologizing, feeling insecure & caring what people think back in 2023.

So I fucked up and became a lil pothead again. It could have been worse. I think that it had to happen this way.

People make mistakes!!! No one is perfect!!! Let’s forgive others and ourselves!!! We’re doing the best we can!! It’s our first time being human!!!

SHE is trying to show me something.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. More to come.