Neverluckygoldfish - Chaotic Neutral - Tumblr Blog

79 -

I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

—

I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

—

Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

Didi Jackson, from "Poem With the Last Line as the First"

78 -

I feel stuck, between who I used to be and who I want to be.

It’s funny, I thought that I was better than the substance - I didn’t think I would get addicted in complete honesty. I thought I had full control.

I did. At first.. But somewhere along the ride, it was easier to jump in the passenger seat and let things unfold.

I feel very alone in my struggle. In the sense that it’s like I’m slowly waking up to my life as it has become in the last few years of full blown mindless addiction.

Addiction is lonely, but it’ll trick you into thinking you have all the friends in the world.

People don’t wait around for you to fix all your problems and finally start realizing your potential. They’ve got lives to live and shit to do!

The ones that do wait around, hold them so so close.

I’ve got a few irrational and unhelpful ruminating thoughts in my head. I’m actually trying to tell them “no”. It feels stupid, but in my head I literally have to go “This is not productive. I need more evidence for this thought. I will just worry about tangible problems in front of me and not be anxious until I need to be”

You know how lame I feel doing that? I just want to roll my eyes at myself. *rolls eyes*

But it’s also working. LIKE I AM DOING IT PEOPLE, I am rewiring the brain!! You’re seeing it live! Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show because I am about to evolve into someone really fucking great!!!

Feeling like I’m failing at everything or that I’m delusional or that I am going about this (life) all wrong. Worried constantly about what others think about me. Trying to be ~zen~ and trust in what I am doing.

Holding space for these feelings and carrying them with me while still living my life. Embracing that I won’t feel this way forever and that it’s normal to go through periods of doubt & insecurity.

What a concept!!!

Friendly reminder to myself - if you are spending all this time worrying about your life & yourself, imagine that everyone is probably doing the same about their lives and selves. They don’t have time to be thinking about that cringe comment I made!

An affirmation for me lately: I welcome however my life unfolds because I trust in my ability to be resilient, kind, and persevere.

Not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay too!!!! I am not less than!

Here’s a thought.. Maybe they’re the asshole?

Blah blah BLAH BLAH.

Each day is a new day. Some days are better and brighter. Some days, not so much. But each day is just one little piece of it all. And I want to live these days. At least for a little longer.

Devin Kelly, "Wishing I Was Looking Down at Baseball Diamonds from an Airplane Window”

Bob Hicok, from “The days are getting longer”, Elegy Owed

You will be too raw for some. You will be too loud, too big, too fierce, too quiet, too deep. These are not your people.

S.C. Lourie

77 -

Today, I am grateful. I had plans with some new friends and I’ll be honest - I get nervous.

Especially doing it sober? I’ve always counted on alcohol or something to reduce the insecurity. To relax my social barometer.

These days, I usually hide out on the weekends trying to muster myself up to survive the week.

Kind of sad to live life this way but I’ve got a lot going on so this is how it is right now.

So I hung out with these two friends and made myself not drink. And it was not bad. I was nervous and felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin, but I did it.

And what was really special, is I was able to vocalize this feeling ^ and share it safely without fear.

I feel like a baby deer learning how to walk, all awkward and gangly - but kind of cute, right?

Baby steps.

You will not stay stuck in the same patterns forever. You are capable of change. It might be small and you may not be able to see the change day to day, but over time things will get better.

T. S. Eliot, from The Complete Works of T. S. Eliot; "The Confidential Clerk,"

Sayat Nova, from Anthology of Armenian Poetry, ed. & tr. by Diana Der Hovanessian and Marzbed Margossian; "I traveled the world"

76 -

The anxiety built up. I kept sitting there in a daze, unable to concentrate & subconsciously holding in my breath (as if to block out pain).

Then I gasp and come to. Idk a weird fugue state.

I’m such a talker and yet when it comes to describing what I feel or why….I often find myself speechless. Riddle me that lol.

So I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Had to force the tears at first but then it was like a dam breaking loose.

Then my husband held me and soothed me and he really is the best.

Ok see, I just have to remember that I am loved and seen and cherished - so it’s not the end of the world!

It felt so cathartic to cry. To really sob. And poof, it feels a little less scary now. You know, life.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.

get in loser we’re healing and loving ourselves

At times

I am ashamed

Of how messy I am

Of how broken I am

Of how much I need

And want

And scream

Into voids of people

That don’t seem to care

And despite increasing

Self-awareness

I appear unable to stop

This pattern

Of continuous unraveling

Of traveling a hundred

Different roads

Desperately

And aimlessly

All to wind up at

The same dead end

At this point, I can no longer deny that the only common thread Is me

“I fear I will be ripped open and found unsightly.”

— Anne Sexton, from A Self-Portrait in Letters (𝟣𝟫𝟩𝟩).

Friedrich Nietzsche