(pc: Pinterest)

(pc: pinterest)

I respect Jane Eyre but I could never be her. Maybe that’s what I am afraid of. I would hate to build an entire life of self sufficiency and then give all of that opportunity over an unfair romance. I am so scared of being treated unfairly. That would not happen if I never exposed my vulnerability. Men don’t get it and they are so predictable. They don’t understand what it’s like living in their heads 95% of the time. They don’t think everything through like I do, and when I explain myself they don’t understand and it makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. But, if I say something then I am seen as sensitive, so I never say anything because that is weakness. Even if the most well meaning man were to read anything I write, they would never understand it. They have never predicted the outcome like a girl or picked apart every angle of a situation in under ten minutes and come up with a resolution that would have taken a man weeks. Sometimes it’s hard living in my head, but what do I do about it. I don’t know how to communicate how I feel, I avoid things (people), I will cause, work through, and solve a billion problems in my head. No one gets it. Maybe some, but I feel really weird and solitary abut this kind of thing. I would never tell anyone this. “I have a lot on my mind” is the understatement of a lifetime. If anyone could ever actually be with me, they need to understand me and what I mean when I tell them things. It is hard to explain everything that goes on in my head, so they just need to be ok with what I am able to give them. That sounds impossible.

My role model Sinead O’Conner🩵

pc: pinterest

I love going to the library early when almost no one is here. It is very peaceful. I have not had the chance because I have an 8 am three days a week and I like to sleep until 8 on the days I don’t. I just need to stop being a wuss and get up early, because the library opens at 7 am. I can pick my own table by the window and do all my little tasks in total solitude, except for the occasional student library worker. I love solitude. I feel so natural and at ease in solitude. Sometimes I feel like if I spend too much time alone, though, that I start to crave it more in a way that may not be healthy. I obviously like certain people. I enjoy my tri-weekly conversations with **** **** on the bus after class. I like my chats with ****. I am always calling my mom, *******, or ******. And yes, I even like to talk with glasses **** before and after molds and mushrooms. But my favorite times are when I can be alone and listen to my music or talk to myself and rationalize and reason different problems in my head. I live in my head for sure. I have some pretty fine real estate up there and I don’t think anyone does more mental gymnastics than me.

Why I could never date a frat boy? Because they are too busy having homoerotic relationships with the other frat members.

I am never marrying a man with anger issues ever. It is not worth the trouble to walk on egg shells and be punished by someone else’s anger for no reason. Its not fair to animals. Its especially not fair because I never know when it is gonna happen and it is instantly my fault. I hate it so much. HATE IT!!! But I can never do anything. I would probably never get hit at my age but its muscle memory and I am too scared to react. I hate being held to some standard or behavior. I am the one in the wrong if I separate myself from the anger. I am in the wrong if I react to it. I feel like I am expected to just be emotionally curb stomped and just take it because otherwise I am “being disrespectful”. I don’t realize how ridiculous this all is until I spend time away from it. I obviously would never want my parents to divorce but I could personally never be married to anyone with issues like that.