Avoidance - Tumblr Posts
@positivelypresent
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I hate being bad because of fear.
Sometimes, because of my OCD and trauma, I’ll avoid certain stuff. This can be hard to explain to others so it often leads me to lie or come off as passive aggressive when I’m asked to do a task/go somewhere/touch something that I’m scared of.
I know that avoidance is unhealthy and reinforces the cycle of anxiety, but it’s so hard to fight against and I hate being so scared and shaking and just having to act fine and stay stiff and quiet because I “shouldn’t act anxious” and am “scared of nothing” according to my mother.
Though, when I promise to do something or accept a task that I then avoid and never do, it upsets people, reasonably. I hurt other people to avoid my own fear and I don’t know how to help it.
I take therapy, anxiety meds, exposure therapy and I’m getting much better but it’s still so hard. I wish it could just stop and I could follow instructions without having irritational fear making me break rules and promises.
I don’t want to be a bad kid, I wish I could be the best kid out there, but that’s just not possible right now with what’s being asked of me.
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I am never marrying a man with anger issues ever. It is not worth the trouble to walk on egg shells and be punished by someone else’s anger for no reason. Its not fair to animals. Its especially not fair because I never know when it is gonna happen and it is instantly my fault. I hate it so much. HATE IT!!! But I can never do anything. I would probably never get hit at my age but its muscle memory and I am too scared to react. I hate being held to some standard or behavior. I am the one in the wrong if I separate myself from the anger. I am in the wrong if I react to it. I feel like I am expected to just be emotionally curb stomped and just take it because otherwise I am “being disrespectful”. I don’t realize how ridiculous this all is until I spend time away from it. I obviously would never want my parents to divorce but I could personally never be married to anyone with issues like that.