Im Saving This For Later

im saving this for later

https://youtube.com/shorts/jUfyPMkvH5M?si=ZmMrxUCQ-F_KTIMI

henry

henry

I had this dream last night where I was in a shopping center with my parents (just to clarify I have extremely vivid dreams)

They said I could go wander around so I went into this store that was a bit like hot topic but from 2005 or something

My dream transitions into this giant store that was extremely feminine and extravagant from the same time period with a ton of people inside of it and I genuinely loved it

Then I realized that I stood out a ton compared to the others around me; my outfit was bland and I didnt look like a woman (I fucking hate my body)

Then I started to hyperventilate

Oh god what if some one sees some random dude in this store? What if they laugh at me and tell all their friends? What if my parents found out I was looking at stuff here? Fuck oh my god my parents will know Im trans I cant be here anymore I dont belong here I need to fucking leave

I remembered how comfortable I felt back at the hot topic like store and how I wouldnt be scared if someone saw me in there, but at the same time, I knew I was just suppressing my own feelings because its fucking cringe to see some bitch expressing themselves apparently

I absolutely dreaded my parents finding me in a feminine store because Ive heard one of them clearly say "a man thinking he is a woman is a genuine mental disorder" and I remember stuff from my dreams that happen in the real world

Also the people making fun of me part came from my experience in grade school with me having to switch to online just to get rid of them but I feel as though if I wasnt bullied as much as I was I feel like I wouldnt be as smart as I am now (I am not saying this to justify what they have done to me mentally and physically)

Looking back on all of this right now as I write this made me think what I need to change in my life to get rid of all of this fear and cowardness to every single thing I listed them below

One day, I need to come out to my parents Im trans

I need to improve myself physically and make me not hate myself

I need to go to some sort of social place that I feel safe at

I need to stop regretting that I wrote things like these when Im pissed off because it makes me think Im showing signs of weakness so that people have more ammo to mentally fuck me with

Focus on the important things first at a pace I can go to

These feelings will be gone soon enough I need to do this for a bit longer

Remember uni cornelius

bitch rants

okay so believe it or not i actually wanna get my fucked up life together and have something to look forward to after i come home from work/school so im gonna try out godot i guess im not gonna look at what anyone else is making bc that will automatically make me not want to do shit anymore

Thats really cool

obv dont rush yourselves with trying to get it out and please take your time with it

thank you for helping me go through hard times with what you all have made

@sparklecarehospital if you could redraw some of the older pages of sparklecare which ones would you do and why

thhfbvvbbv saving this 4 later

Various Boxes and Cylinders i've been into as of late