Henry

henry

i wish i was fucking good at something

by coldoctober

I had this dream last night where I was in a shopping center with my parents (just to clarify I have extremely vivid dreams)

They said I could go wander around so I went into this store that was a bit like hot topic but from 2005 or something

My dream transitions into this giant store that was extremely feminine and extravagant from the same time period with a ton of people inside of it and I genuinely loved it

Then I realized that I stood out a ton compared to the others around me; my outfit was bland and I didnt look like a woman (I fucking hate my body)

Then I started to hyperventilate

Oh god what if some one sees some random dude in this store? What if they laugh at me and tell all their friends? What if my parents found out I was looking at stuff here? Fuck oh my god my parents will know Im trans I cant be here anymore I dont belong here I need to fucking leave

I remembered how comfortable I felt back at the hot topic like store and how I wouldnt be scared if someone saw me in there, but at the same time, I knew I was just suppressing my own feelings because its fucking cringe to see some bitch expressing themselves apparently

I absolutely dreaded my parents finding me in a feminine store because Ive heard one of them clearly say "a man thinking he is a woman is a genuine mental disorder" and I remember stuff from my dreams that happen in the real world

Also the people making fun of me part came from my experience in grade school with me having to switch to online just to get rid of them but I feel as though if I wasnt bullied as much as I was I feel like I wouldnt be as smart as I am now (I am not saying this to justify what they have done to me mentally and physically)

Looking back on all of this right now as I write this made me think what I need to change in my life to get rid of all of this fear and cowardness to every single thing I listed them below

One day, I need to come out to my parents Im trans

I need to improve myself physically and make me not hate myself

I need to go to some sort of social place that I feel safe at

I need to stop regretting that I wrote things like these when Im pissed off because it makes me think Im showing signs of weakness so that people have more ammo to mentally fuck me with

Focus on the important things first at a pace I can go to

These feelings will be gone soon enough I need to do this for a bit longer

Remember uni cornelius

In regards of 3D modeling how do you keep going with projects and not give up on them

I have adhd and when Im stuck on a specific part I basically just give up on it or dont do it

All the things I want to make are either too hard to make in blender or it just looks bad even though Ive been doing blender for 3 years

"it looks bad" i think is the key here. dont be afraid of your work looking bad, know that it will improve over time if u stick at it. 3 years isnt that long. it took me 15 years to get to where i am today with my 3d art and trust me, when compared to the art i was pushing out 3 years in its night and day.

keep at it! u will improve! i believe in you!!

bely

guh,.,, big tumbyy,,

all transfems own a copy of terraria on steam /sily

I made this in terraria in like 3 hours because I fucking lovee terraria so much

I based this off of the underground shacks that have cool shit inside them