How Do You Process Being Abused By The Love Of Your Life? The First Person You Bore Everything To. You

How do you process being abused by the love of your life? The first person you bore everything to. You gave your entire heart and soul to. Who saw every ugly, horrible part of you. Who went through unimaginable evils with you....

Who showed you love that you couldn't accept. Who gave you trust that you couldn't return. Who's life you made harder. Who you never appreciated. Who you could only see fault in because of your trauma because you weren't strong enough.

Maybe I did deserve what happened. Maybe I deserved all the nights not knowing what girl he was out with. Maybe I deserved the bruised ribs and having seizures in the rain. Maybe I deserved the SA, if I would have just said yes it wouldn't have happened.

Maybe if I was better, or softer, or quieter, or worked harder, or did more, or fought less...

Maybe it wouldn't be 6 yrs of me falling apart.

aculco house ~ ppaa arquitectos | photos © rafael gamo

And just like that, I didn't care anymore. I wasn't hurt anymore. I no longer had any point to prove to myself as to why I was treated so badly.

How someone treats me is a reflection of the battles they are going through with themselves. For them to target me and spew God awful hate and vulgarity, is about them tearing me down. And it worked for awhile. But good people don't do those types of things.

I know who I am. I love who I am. I fought hard to become this woman. No one will understand what I had to endure to become this gentle.

You’re valid if your grief and trauma doesn’t follow society’s expected timeline. You’re valid if the things people would expect to be “less bad” affect you more or for longer than the things that people consider “worse”. There’s no timeline and there’s no standardized scale of trauma.

“You can change yourself and you can change the situation but you absolutely cannot change other people. Only they can do that.”

— Joanna Trollope