Sa Survivor - Tumblr Posts

flesh prison

There are only a few people

Allowed to touch my skin

Every contact leads to crawling hands

Remnants of him

I can’t explain this to friends

Even those I consider family

How to say that every touch

Leaves me feeling dirty.

What doesn't kill you makes you weird at intimacy

How do you process being abused by the love of your life? The first person you bore everything to. You gave your entire heart and soul to. Who saw every ugly, horrible part of you. Who went through unimaginable evils with you....

Who showed you love that you couldn't accept. Who gave you trust that you couldn't return. Who's life you made harder. Who you never appreciated. Who you could only see fault in because of your trauma because you weren't strong enough.

Maybe I did deserve what happened. Maybe I deserved all the nights not knowing what girl he was out with. Maybe I deserved the bruised ribs and having seizures in the rain. Maybe I deserved the SA, if I would have just said yes it wouldn't have happened.

Maybe if I was better, or softer, or quieter, or worked harder, or did more, or fought less...

Maybe it wouldn't be 6 yrs of me falling apart.

I have no idea who you are, but I've been a few months into EDMR therapy ( trauma therapy) and this has been the most heartfelt and touching thing anyone has said to me in the 6 yrs I've dealt with what I went through.

This was not my first SA. I was SA'd as a child. I was trafficked before I was adopted. I was assaulted in high school by an official. I've been through a lot.

I buried it until I broke. But I'm healing. And some days that still looks like breaking all over again. I doubt myself. I struggle. I have panic attacks in the shower. I'll hate who I see in the mirror so I avoid them for days.. I struggle with anxiety, depression, shame.

But I've worked so hard to face things with minimal support. I'm honestly really grateful for this platform and the community it offers. I'm not even entirely sure how to absorb everything you said, no one has ever given that kind of support before 😭🥹💕

How do you process being abused by the love of your life? The first person you bore everything to. You gave your entire heart and soul to. Who saw every ugly, horrible part of you. Who went through unimaginable evils with you....

Who showed you love that you couldn't accept. Who gave you trust that you couldn't return. Who's life you made harder. Who you never appreciated. Who you could only see fault in because of your trauma because you weren't strong enough.

Maybe I did deserve what happened. Maybe I deserved all the nights not knowing what girl he was out with. Maybe I deserved the bruised ribs and having seizures in the rain. Maybe I deserved the SA, if I would have just said yes it wouldn't have happened.

Maybe if I was better, or softer, or quieter, or worked harder, or did more, or fought less...

Maybe it wouldn't be 6 yrs of me falling apart.

to every young woman sexualizing themselves as a minor:

i am so so deeply sorry. im sorry society hurt you so badly, that they made you believe that the way we can be loved is only if we are sexually attractive. im sorry that they make you say or do things you dont want to. im sorry that they make you think of things you werent ready for. im sorry that they make you feel as if you need to look like a stereotypical model or else you wont ever be loved. im sorry that they cause you to throw away all your childlike wonderment and innocence for all that. im so so sorry, sweetheart. i am. ive been there, too. im here to tell you its alright. you are not an object. not an image. not your body. not your weight. not your skin color. you are a woman. you are so, so beautiful. more than you might know for a while. and thats alright. its alright to not know things sometimes. it’s alright to have time to discover things for yourself on your own time.

its going to be okay, baby girl. i promise. dont give this time up for some disgusting people who only want to use you. be yourself, truly. laugh and cry and smile and scream and just be. im so, so very proud of you. please, keep being a light in the world the way you always have been, and never let anybody even have a chance at taking that away.

My husband [ 26m] took out my IUD last night,

TW: ABUSIVE MARRIAGE , REPRODUCTIVE COERCION , PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

So this will sound crazy , and I guess it kind of is .

I am 23F and have been married to my husband for 2 years .we have a 1.5 year old daughter . I love him so much and he is a great father . He I told him I wasn't sure when I'd feel ready flr another kid since I just got off maternity leave a year ago and am working full time .

In the past few months after our daughter turned 1 , he's been really vocal about his wish for another kid . we usually use the pull out method , but it got to the point where I didn't even trust him to pull out ( this was how our daughter was conceived actually ) . so last month I secretly booked an appointment with my doctor and he gave me an IUD despite my aversion to getting hormones .

My husband does not know about my IUD . He has not been pulling out very often which makes me glad I got the IUD . however , yesterday , he found out because he caught me reading about it on the Internet . He got angry at me for hiding it from him and when we were about to have sex that night , reached in there and tried to get it out , which hurt like hell . I was panicking and hitting him and yelling for him to stop , but he ignored me and managed to pull it out . he then threw it in the trash and told me that "those things" are not good for my body anyways .

I'm so shaken . I'm normally a very calm and tough person but he really scared me. He apologized to me this morning and said he was just angry for not telling him about the IUD and getting it done behind his back .

What should I do ? I feel violated . My husband has always been rather pushy and mad when he doesn't get his way , but he's never gone this far.

OG post on reddit

I will rewrite this , because its such low quality

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/809944314260661534/

here its on pinterest , better quality

My husband [ 26m] took out my IUD last night,

TW: ABUSIVE MARRIAGE , REPRODUCTIVE COERCION , PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

So this will sound crazy , and I guess it kind of is .

I am 23F and have been married to my husband for 2 years .we have a 1.5 year old daughter . I love him so much and he is a great father . He I told him I wasn't sure when I'd feel ready flr another kid since I just got off maternity leave a year ago and am working full time .

In the past few months after our daughter turned 1 , he's been really vocal about his wish for another kid . we usually use the pull out method , but it got to the point where I didn't even trust him to pull out ( this was how our daughter was conceived actually ) . so last month I secretly booked an appointment with my doctor and he gave me an IUD despite my aversion to getting hormones .

My husband does not know about my IUD . He has not been pulling out very often which makes me glad I got the IUD . however , yesterday , he found out because he caught me reading about it on the Internet . He got angry at me for hiding it from him and when we were about to have sex that night , reached in there and tried to get it out , which hurt like hell . I was panicking and hitting him and yelling for him to stop , but he ignored me and managed to pull it out . he then threw it in the trash and told me that "those things" are not good for my body anyways .

I'm so shaken . I'm normally a very calm and tough person but he really scared me. He apologized to me this morning and said he was just angry for not telling him about the IUD and getting it done behind his back .

What should I do ? I feel violated . My husband has always been rather pushy and mad when he doesn't get his way , but he's never gone this far.

( the comments )

you need to go to a doctor IMMEDIATELY as he may of caused some serious damage to you. what happened was assault . regardless of his views that is disgusting and alarming .

You should go to a trusted family members or friend after the doctors .

( op , the poster ) : I dont actually feel much pain aside from when it initially came out . I feel embarrassed to tell my family dx what happened and im scared something may happen to him..

commenter to her : you're scared something might happen to him? you should be scared of what he might do to you . you need to be angry about how he's assaulted and violated you.

This guy wants to control you via your body and is treating you like an incubator , not as person with her own bodily autonomy and agency.

you should go to a doctor and then the cops . he's committed domestic violence on your person .

( comments without her reply )

You might feel scared to tell the doctor because you know deep down what your partner did wasn't right and you're scared the doctor is going to agree with you .

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OP , I dont think you understand the gravity of how bad this is . There is so much fucked up shit on this sub , but this is literally one of the worst posts I've ever read on here.

This is an anonymous hotline . please use it . https://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/

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thank you

TW for assault mention!!!!!

Had the worst fucking day at work. Was just putting clothes and other stuff anyway when this guy who assault and told everyone i was a slut came into my work today. I just hide in the backroom and i couldn't stop crying.

I move school, delete my old social media accounts and he still somehow finds me. I called my sister and she pick me up early and i just came out of the covers. I'm scared to go outside, just when i thought i started healing and getting over it i see him and i cry so hard i almost throw up right in front of my manger.

She must think i pathetic.

I'm going to see a therapist soon so i am getting help i just need to dump all my thoughts somewhere. Agian i'm getting help and i engoure you do too if anything i said trigger you. Please rember your not alone and that it's your fault. There's people there.

SA Indicators (TW)

The Indicators Project is an astrological research analysis project of different life situations, mental health and physical health conditions that can be seen through the birth chart. The research is done with the utmost care and precision, leaving out any indicators that could potentially be inaccurate. The purpose of this project is to help those that experience(d) one or many of these situations to feel visible, find confirmation and validation. A story has been created and pinned to my instagram profile that explains the basic of Indicators, and that will contain all indicators that have been posted. Please check that post before commenting, as it explains how the indicators should be read. This post may be reshared and reposted as long as credit is given.

This image shouldn't be used as a tool for self-diagnosis or ill intention towards yourself or others, specially if you are unsure, doubting or still considering if you experience(d) this situation or not (keep in mind: this is not related to self-doubt but actual factual doubt). With that being said, consider that indicators work, in most cases, through accumulation: the more indicators, the bigger the chances of having experienced the situation.

If you would like to volunteer with your natal chart please email your details to ancientastarwis@gmail.com

Written in all sorts of POV’s because I’m unorganized and angry. Will edit later, I need to vent.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions and implications of SA, suicidal ideations if you read between the lines, a now ex friend who made fun of my experience

This is a VENT!!!

Innocence died screamin’

Honey ask me, I would know

I screamed. Begged. Pleaded. Eventually I had to punch.

My innocence died at 13 and I still remember waking up in that truckbed with sore knuckles surrounded by vomit.

And I didn’t cope with it in any healthy way. All the way up until the night after my 18th birthday I let people use me and jerk me around with my emotions as a collar.

So forgive me, cunt; if I tell you something with the confidence you won’t treat it like a joke. Forgive me if I’m angry and explosive when you treat these things as if it’s another story to go and tell all of our friends because you think you’re soooo special for not “giving it away” until well after your 20th. Forgive me if that makes me “an easy lay” for being vulnerable around people I once trusted.

“I just feel like it should be special when it finally happens for me, you have expressed you don’t feel one way in particular about virginity.”

I didn’t get a choice, otherwise virginity would be way higher on my list. I don’t get to have the same experience you did. I’m glad and overwhelmingly happy you felt safe, I glad you weren’t gutted and robbed like I was.

When my partner and I met she had only the bullet points of what happened to me. She had an idea that the reason [redacted] and I stopped talking was because something happened.

[redacted] felt like everyone where we worked should know, even after I did my best to cover up what wasn’t even my fault in the first place. To this day I’ve never once tried to bring it up to other coworkers that [redacted] was lying about what really happened. I had to beg with my partner not to knock his teeth out.

She knew before we started dating that my outlook on sex was skewed.

“I think sex can be beautiful with the right person; but I don’t think I could personally see myself being sexually active.”

And she accepted that as my answer. Part of me feels bad, though. I feel like on some level that because of my (albeit valid) fear that I’m preventing some level of intimacy between us. Only time will tell if something ever happens in that regard.

Sometime I look at the photo drive of people I used to be friends with. Sometime I dig through my Polaroids to look at the frozen moments. I don’t have the heart to get rid of them. And I don’t know why.

I hope that one day I can untangle the mess in my mind, get rid of all the photos; and eventually be comfortable in my own skin as myself.

Sleep doesn’t come to me as easy as it did. I check my closets, I lock the doors; but this room isn’t safe anymore.

Unfortunately, my very clear and very explicit boundaries have been overstepped far too many times in my DMs. And no, this is not a case of the few ruining it for the many but rather the many ruining it for the few.

I am genuinely so disappointed because I love interacting with people and I love getting your attention and I like making you guys cum. But so many of you have completely overstepped many of my boundaries that I have always made clear from the start.

No, you are not the exception. No I don’t want to try anal with you, no it’s not just because I haven’t had the right person do it. I don’t want anal because I was anally sexually assaulted when I was a child. I was eight. EIGHT. So no, you are not the exception.

And no, you are not the exception and no, I don’t want to suck your dick, no I don’t want to choke on your cock. I don’t want to suck it because I still feel the phantom pressure of a hand pressing my neck down and the pain of it digging its nails into the skin of my throat. I was a child then too. So again, no, you are not the exception.

Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you feel good about yourself now that you’ve made me say it out loud? Does it turn you on to know that I was continually sexually assaulted from childhood to adolescence to adulthood? Does it get your tip all wet to know that it was my cousin and my father and my friends’ parents and strangers at parties and clients at work and commuters in the train and random men at random beaches?

I’ve never really went to detail on my experiences with sexual abuse and I don’t necessarily plan on it anytime soon. All in all I am a victim of it and to this day it really affects me. I went unknown to the abuse I endured as a kid cause I was a naive child who grew up around it so to me at the time “it was normal”. It wasn’t till I made friends that I realized it was actually incredibly wrong. When you’re a child growing up around sexual abuse and that being your only source of knowledge you began to think that’s “normal”. It’s not until you get an outside perspective till you realize that it actually really isn’t normal. On top of the sexual abuse I endured growing up I had other situations with other people where I was sexually harassed. It affects me so much that any grown man who show me affection makes me genuinely scared that they’ll end up well… you know. Mixed with that fear is anger, anger that all of my offenders are able to walk freely without consequences. Angry that I’m not the only one but dozen upon dozen of people have the similar experiences. Angry that I was forced into silence for so long, angry that so many others are forced to be silent. I am no longer gonna be silent, I refuse to stay quiet. I speak for myself and the people who are forced into silence to this day.

I would like to go back to the year where women would be burnt at steak if accused to be a witch, cause I know damn well I would be brunt at steak and I rather be dead than have to live in world where I have to fight with people who can’t express basic sympathy to the struggles a person goes through regardless of their gender.

“Not all men”

“Not all women”

“Well I never —“

Irrelevant! Y’all wanna be praise so bad for doing the bare fucking minimum and not being a rapist, abuser, sexual assaulter, pedophile, groomer, serial killer, etc…

IRRELEVANT!!! Just be a human being and show love and support to a victims story, rather than making it about yourself or some fucked up gender competition.