I Think I've Determined That I Don't Really Create Things.

I think I've determined that I don't really create things.

My dad builds with wood. I build with Legos. My dad can and has built with Legos, but he prefers wood because it offers more freedom. I'm able to understand that, but if you give me a block of wood and tell me to build something, I won't know where to start - I don't know how to make it do what I want it to. My dad, of course, would build a nightstand before the hour's up. He always explains it to me by saying he's "building his own Legos."

That kind of freedom has always bugged me - the freedom of an infinite number of possibilities. I sort of fold under that pressure. When I have a very specific set to start with, I can make a lot out of that, because it's essentially just putting two and two together. But when I start with an empty canvas, I draw a blank.

It's for this reason that I can't choose what color I want to use, or draw an organic shape (aka not a line/circle), or cook, or compose music; all of that comes up as an infinite set in my brain. I can't do anything with that. I can't create my own things. Now, if someone gives me some pieces to work with - a color palette, or a set of instruments - I can work with that.

I've never really created anything. Everything I've ever made is a collection of pieces made by someone else. And while all this may sound self-demeaning, it gives me great freedom to know that I can construct things.

The difference here is logic. When I'm given tools to work with and blocks to put together, I can say to myself, "This goes with this, that goes with that. It makes sense this way." I can't make sense of infinity, but I can make sense of a collection of parts. But in order for me to do my work, someone has to do the creating.

You could argue that this is the very definition of creation, but I would argue that it's a very limited creation at best, to not be able to build my own Legos. But I sure can throw those Legos together.

I am not a creator. I am a constructor. And now that I know this, I am perfectly okay with it.

Even when I have a class I actually enjoy... Tuesdays are still so slow... Ugh, I hate Tuesdays.

Some days I forget that people are watching the things that I do.

Maybe I should start paying attention, because sometimes people are benefiting from it a lot more than I ever thought.

I must find a way to make this song play every morning.

From the Kirby's Return to Dream Land OST.

I really dislike when you neurotypicals think you know what's best for others.

Isabelle, To The Moon

I've learned just recently that there are more introverts out there in the world than regular people and extroverts combined. It just doesn't seem like it because they're all hiding.

I kind of take that as a challenge to find them... on days when I feel social, that is