I Think I've Determined That I Don't Really Create Things.

I think I've determined that I don't really create things.

My dad builds with wood. I build with Legos. My dad can and has built with Legos, but he prefers wood because it offers more freedom. I'm able to understand that, but if you give me a block of wood and tell me to build something, I won't know where to start - I don't know how to make it do what I want it to. My dad, of course, would build a nightstand before the hour's up. He always explains it to me by saying he's "building his own Legos."

That kind of freedom has always bugged me - the freedom of an infinite number of possibilities. I sort of fold under that pressure. When I have a very specific set to start with, I can make a lot out of that, because it's essentially just putting two and two together. But when I start with an empty canvas, I draw a blank.

It's for this reason that I can't choose what color I want to use, or draw an organic shape (aka not a line/circle), or cook, or compose music; all of that comes up as an infinite set in my brain. I can't do anything with that. I can't create my own things. Now, if someone gives me some pieces to work with - a color palette, or a set of instruments - I can work with that.

I've never really created anything. Everything I've ever made is a collection of pieces made by someone else. And while all this may sound self-demeaning, it gives me great freedom to know that I can construct things.

The difference here is logic. When I'm given tools to work with and blocks to put together, I can say to myself, "This goes with this, that goes with that. It makes sense this way." I can't make sense of infinity, but I can make sense of a collection of parts. But in order for me to do my work, someone has to do the creating.

You could argue that this is the very definition of creation, but I would argue that it's a very limited creation at best, to not be able to build my own Legos. But I sure can throw those Legos together.

I am not a creator. I am a constructor. And now that I know this, I am perfectly okay with it.

[WillWare is sitting in his room, playing on his computer. Enter Smart Alex.]

WillWare: Oh, hey there.

Smart Alex: Alone in your room again? What are you up to by yourself?

WillWare: I'm messing with the new update for my game. I've been waiting for it for so long!

Smart Alex: I see. Why aren't you, say, doing things with other people, like you said you wanted to now that you're in college?

WillWare: ...well, I suppose I COULD be streaming this.

Smart Alex: That's not what I meant at all.

WillWare: Hey, I've been connecting with some people on the Internet. I should get points for that.

Smart Alex: And how does that count for anything?

WillWare: Because before, I was apprehensive about letting some random person on the Internet be on my friends list. Now I have several of them.

Smart Alex: Did you actively seek them? Are you the one who sent the friend request?

WillWare: ...no. They requested me first.

Smart Alex: And you probably accepted because rejecting it would be rude, didn't you? Predictable.

WillWare: Hey, that's not true!

Smart Alex: Either way, that still doesn't count. What have you done recently to make some REAL-LIFE friends?

WillWare: I went to the BCM. I made some friends there. Then I went to the worship service with them.

Smart Alex: Did you? How courageous of you.

WillWare: *sternly* I went because I was invited.

Smart Alex: And how did that go?

WillWare: I left immediately afterwards because I ran out of energy.

Smart Alex: I see. Have you gone since?

WillWare: It hasn't even been a week, dude!

Smart Alex: Right, but it's open all the time for people to just hang out. You know, like normal people do.

WillWare: Yeah, I know. I haven't had the energy to.

Smart Alex: Maybe you should work some up, because this is getting pathetic. You can't even be bothered to go to a FRIENDLY environment.

WillWare: Do you even know about how being an introvert works? It takes energy for me to be social. I recuperate when I'm alone. I can't just overthrow my internal workings.

Smart Alex: Then what's all of this talk about overcoming your introversion...?

WillWare: That takes time. In the meantime, I'm chatting with my friends on the Internet.

Smart Alex: What's so different about it anyway?

WillWare: Well you seem to think there's a difference.

Smart Alex: There's a difference between having a friend in real life and on the Internet, but not so much how you interact with those people. If you can chat with someone just fine in a chat box, you can do it in real time.

WillWare: For some reason, it doesn't take as much out of me. I don't know what it is.

Smart Alex: Well, you'll need to figure it out, otherwise this'll happen every weekend from now until you graduate.

WillWare: As much as I want to say you're right, it's still not as easy as you make it sound.

Smart Alex: It IS easy. Watch, I'm going to chat with friends now. [Exit.]

WillWare: HEY, where are you... *sigh* Whatever. I guess I'll stream or something.

[WillWare resumes playing on his computer.]

Some days I forget that people are watching the things that I do.

Maybe I should start paying attention, because sometimes people are benefiting from it a lot more than I ever thought.

^_^

The dumbest answer

Q: Why do people walk slower when it's cold?

A: Because all the water in our bodies is frozen.

Very refreshing.

EDIT: why does this new Soundcloud widget take up half the universe