Cry Me A River | The Cruel And The Fool

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cry me a river | the cruel and the fool

— summary: nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 8.8k

— warnings: a brief moment y/n almost has her ptsd triggered — brief mention of leehyun, toxic thoughts/acts [[ to anyone who might be afraid/cautious of reading this chapter, to be honest i don't think this chapter is too bad as compared to a few previous chapters, namjoon doesn't actively trigger y/n's ptsd of leehyun, but if you don't wish to read this chapter (or any other chapters for reasons), you can always send me an ask and i will gladly explain what's going on in hopes of not wanting to miss anything ]]

— PART 15 / previous post / masterpost

“Y/N?”

You look up with a startle, taking in a sharp intake that forces you to flinch, and when you turn around at the familiar calling of your name, you have to take a moment to compose yourself so that you don’t instinctively take a step back at the man before you.

Mingyu stands steady on his feet and you almost crumble at the fact that he called you Y/N and not boss because boss means you’re okay, you’re fine, you can take everything that’s coming at you, you can control it, control everything. But Y/N means you can’t. You’re not fine, you’re falling into disorder and you’re ruining yourself.

Y/N means you’re losing control. 

As if he understands just how much the effect of his word has caused you, Mingyu steps up from where he stood, keeping a good distance between the two of you and you hate the fact that today he hesitates to come to you.

There are days when you feel guilty for scaring them, for forcing them to abide by all that you are, to accommodate your needs, and forcing their way of thinking to quickly act just because you’re weak and you can’t do anything by yourself. There are days when you hate yourself more than you do on normal days, when you can see it in your Reapers’ expressions just how concerned they are.

They never look at you as if you are a monster, as if you’re some insignificant robot built up by your father in the same way everyone looks at you. They don’t look at you as if you’re just a puppet who holds no feelings, as if anyone and everyone can do anything and everything to you and you won’t hurt.

They know you hurt.

They know you hurt more than anyone.

Even in this room in a building filled with people who only want what’s best for you, you feel yourself trembling as you hold everything in, unable to scream, to cry for help, because all your life you’ve been shown that calling out gives you nothing in return. Even as you know your Reapers would never do such a thing to you, even as you know more than anyone that they’d come to you in a split second were you to utter the simple whisper of “help,” you don’t dare to.

You’re scared.

Scared.

So you tremble as you hold in the cry, falling completely silent, and it breaks you to do so.

“Y/N.” Mingyu calls again with a little more warmth, with a bit more comfort, and filled with a little less anxiety and fear. He calls you softly, a gentle expression plastered on his face when you look up with another startle, the serene on his features shocking you a bit.

He calls your name with care and if you knew how to cry, perhaps you’d be bawling your eyes out like a newborn baby, letting your tears out uncontrollably without a care in the world because you know there will be people who will do all that they can to ease your heart once again.

He calls you with such a tender gentleness it reminds you of the way Mister Butler used to call for you, the way Hoseok called for you.

Mingyu, Mister Butler, and Hoseok, all three different souls built in the same egg; the shell, the egg white, and the yolk.

Mister Butler was your protection, the very one who kept your innocence safe, the very one who held onto your hopes and dreams, keeping them safe in the warmth of his arms. When he left, you lost all of that; your innocence, hopes, and dreams. Years later Hoseok took his place, providing you with love. He gave you the happiness you sought for when you were with Mister Butler, a promise the two of you made with the linking of your pinkies. Mister Butler was the first to break his promise and you broke it soon after, leaving Hoseok who kept your love in the warmth of his arms, losing your love and happiness.

Then came Mingyu walking into the picture. You aren’t sure how it happened, when you began seeking out for the warmth of his arms, but perhaps it was always there, like how it was just meant to be in the same way it was natural to rely on Mister Butler and Hoseok’s warmth.

When he sees you shaking uncontrollably but keeping your silence and peace, Mingyu simply opens his arms as if saying; “It’s okay. You can come to me when you’re scared. I know you’re scared.”

And it reminds you of the way you used to go to Hoseok. He was always the first person you sought out whenever something frightful had shaken your core and you couldn’t handle things by yourself. It was always Hoseok.

When you let yourself go to Mingyu, when he engulfs you in his arms and when you lean into his chest, ears pressed against the resounding beat of his heart, you allow your mind to rest as you let your eyes flutter closed, legs giving in as he holds you on the floor in the middle of the living room.

This is your foundation. Your calm, your control.

This is your Mingyu.

When it finally comes to the day he leaves your life, you wonder how that will be. Will he leave you in the same way Mister Butler left you? Or will you leave him in the same way you left Hoseok? Both of them were out of your control, and both of them you were forced to cut ties with. You wonder if one day Mingyu will grow tired of you or if one day his loyalty will take him too far and he’ll die for you.

You don’t want him to leave. Not now, not ever.

If he leaves, who will you have? He’s your last one, the very person who’s holding onto your breaking pieces so you don’t completely crumble. Mister Butler was your protection, Hoseok was your love, and Mingyu is your foundation.

You don’t want to lose another one, another solace. You don’t want to lose your last one. Because you know after Mingyu, there will be no one left to take care of you in the way the three of them had. If you lose him you think it’ll probably be the last of your control. If you lose your Reapers, you know you won’t ever be able to pick yourself up again.

They can’t save you in the same way you’ve saved them but still, you’ve come to rely on them in more than one way. They’re the only ones keeping you afloat in this deep, deep sea. The only ones keeping your broken pieces together.

“Something’s wrong,” you whisper into the silence after a long, long time. “...I can feel it. There’s another storm coming, Mingyu.” You’re limp against his chest, body unable to keep its strength up just like all those other times when you lay against him. Perhaps you’re hurting him with your weight, perhaps his body’s cramping up in some ways but Mingyu doesn’t dare move. “I don’t want it to come.”

He knows you’re scared, he can feel it.

“What would you like us to do?” He asks, softly, in order to keep you sane, to have control over your situation in just the slightest bit when it feels like everything is falling apart. He lets you regain control for a moment, just like the building foundation that he is.

“...Stay,” you say. “Just…stay.”

And so he remains there for another hour longer to help you breathe a little easier, to help ease your heart, to calm the storm that had risen against your chest. It is only when Yeonjun comes in do you finally separate.

“I have your tea ready, boss,” he says when he walks in.

You’re weak and unable to walk on your own, body barely even able to step away from Mingyu so the two of them help you get off him. Yeonjun takes over the base, becoming the stepping stool that you need. He takes you in his arms while you make no protest, head turned to lay against him like a rag doll who holds no strength left in her body.

And when the young genius takes you out the door on his own, Dasom emerges to have a look into the living room, her face blank as she takes in the figure who remains seated on the floor, eyes looking lost in thoughts.

“Is your heartbeat that calming?” She asks into the silence, breaking Mingyu out of his daze as he looks up with a calm expression. “Boss always calms down the second she hears your heartbeat. Makes me wonder if you ever have moments when you aren’t calm and your anxiety takes precedence.”

He chuckles lightly, a rueful smile curling along his lips. “If I ever let the situations get the best of me, I’d lose my role as her foundation, and then what would happen? Have her suffer even more without being allowed a moment of calm?” He looks at her with furrowed brows, hand balling into a fist. “If I ever allow myself to become weak, I’d hurt her and that’s the one thing we cannot ever allow to happen. Y/N needs her moment of peace. Even if that moment lasts for just one second, if I can’t be her calm among the storm…she’d break.”

“But then what about you?” Dasom asks, her features marked with concern for someone else other than you, and Mingyu realizes it’s probably the first time she’s ever allowing her worries to show so openly.

“It doesn’t matter.” He picks himself off from the floor, averting his gaze as if avoiding his emotions. “As long as I’m alive, I live as her foundation. If I can’t do my job well, there’s no point in any of this.” As he walks by to leave, Mingyu takes a moment to pause beside her, putting a hand on the blade of her shoulder. “Even if we can’t save her, we can still give her room to breathe. If I ever rip that calm away from her…I’d never be able to live with myself.”

He walks away before Dasom can say anything else.

.

.

.

A blue vintage corset with a pretty white skirt that flows all the way to your ankles, accompanied by a matching blazer draped over your shoulders while your hair stays up by a white claw clip, you walk down the hall of the art museum all on your own, paying close attention to every painting presented on the wall at each of your sides.

You keep your eyes keen and open with arms crossed against your chest while your heels click from underneath you. All the guests in the building are common innocents who’re here simply for their own pleasures. You’re here for a different reason.

“..Miss?” 

Your heels stop clicking at the call of the hesitant voice behind you, already falling on your guard, and when you slowly turn around at the person, you find a young man you aren’t too familiar with.

“I apologize, you looked vaguely famil…” Your eyes narrow his way as he trails off as if trying to put an image to his memories, just before something in him clicks when his eyes widen. “Are you..the Reaper?” You keep your expression unreadable, remaining blank, and when it looks like you won’t answer his question, he goes to speak some more. “The scythe earrings,” he says, pointing at the silver dangles on each of your ears, “you..killed my uncle.”

Huh.

“So what? Looking for a chance to kill me now, are you?”

“No!” He quickly says and you fix your gaze towards the side at his sudden outburst, knowing the bystanders have just heard and have been alerted. Upon that, the man clears his throat awkwardly before continuing in a lower tone. “I just meant…I know my uncle was a bad man.”

“...Do you?” As you say that, a familiar figure catches the corner of your eyes and when you go on to focus your attention a bit more on them from behind the stranger’s shoulder, you feel your expression falling when you realize it’s Namjoon and Jimin.

If Namjoon and Jimin are here, the others shouldn’t be too far away. And that only means trouble.

You’re on your feet again, taking a turn opposite of where they are as you continue on your walk.

“It’s best to not associate yourself with me. If you offend me whether on accident or on purpose, I will rid of you without hesitation.”

“W-wait! I just..-” He runs to catch up to your pace, frantic looking. 

You stare at him up and down before sighing. “You’re wasting my time. Seeing as the insignificant man I killed is your uncle, I implore you to heed my advice and not show your face to me ever again. I do hate to be reminded of the memories of the past. They don’t serve well for the future.”

“I apologize, it’s just…I’m glad to have seen you in person, Miss Y/N. The rumors do you no justice, you’re more beautiful than they imply.” You don’t like the smile he shows you. “If you could be so kind, I would love to invite you to—”

“I told you, sir, I do not like to be reminded of the past.” You turn your face from him, walking sped up this time but he remains stubborn.

“I understand.” He doesn’t if he keeps following you insistently. “Being in the same room with you alone is a blessing, I’ll be sure to watch you from afar if fate ever allows us the moment again.” What a creep. “Ah, but what’re you doing here at an art museum? Are you here for your next target? Who is it?”

“It’ll be you if you don’t stop bothering me.”

He laughs as if you just said a joke. “My extended family would certainly have a heart attack if that were to happen, being as you’ve already gone and rid of my uncle. But truth be told, I’d be lucky to have the new Reaper kill me by her own hands.”

“Would you?”

“Of course! To have your beautiful hands—”

You stop in track all of a sudden, putting a hand up to have him freeze in place when he tries to reach out for you. “Sir.” Your voice drops deep, a frosty chill walking in as you stare him down from the side eyes. “If you really don’t wish to lose your life over some petty incident, I advise you to leave me now before you really make me angry. I’d hate making a scene in front of innocents but if you lay even the slightest touch on me, I’d do the same I did to your uncle and perhaps even worst.”

“...” He falls silent at your words and just as you think he’s finally done and realize the truth behind your threat, he speaks again as you’re about to walk away. “Who knew such a lady with refined beauty could get angry so easily.” He scoffs lightly, mocking you as his mask falls away. “You may be beautiful but your heart needs to be worked on. I bet my uncle didn’t even do much to have him face your wrath.”

“What your uncle did to me is none of your concern.”

“You must have killed your father for the same purpose, huh? I heard he cared for you quite deeply yet you returned his kindness by killing him. What a spoiled little brat.”

They don’t know your story and they never will, but that doesn’t phase you one bit because everyone is just like him; dumb and stupid, always believing the other side of the story without truly looking into things. Not that you care, they can think however they’d like, it doesn’t concern you.

You’re still going to kill the ones that did you wrong.

You ignore the man’s comment to keep walking, not wanting to stop this time no matter what but when you feel his presence once more with the way he comes at you at an alarming pace, you grab the white silk that was wrapped around your waist and played as a belt for your skirt, untangling the decorated bow and in a swift manner, you wrap the silk a few times around the man’s wrists, forcing it behind him in a rushed and assertive act that has him quick to scream at the pain.

You can feel a light tremble in your hands, the PTSD from Leehyun still here, so you make sure you aren’t touching him in the slightest, and when his scream alarms the people around you, you keep your cool as you stare down at the man, strengthening the tight grip of the silk with no mercy.

“You’re all the same. This is why I hate men.”

“Y/N?”

You sigh inwardly to yourself upon attracting the attention of Namjoon and Jimin and clench your jaw at the onlookers showing concern and worry. 

“Are you alright ma’am?”

“Was he bothering you?”

“Should we call security?”

You look up at the civilians who watches on with brows knitted on their features, your keen eyes taking in each of their expression. Calling in security now will only anger this man further and you can’t have their faces falling recognizable to him in case he holds any grudges. You know not to involve people and ruin their lives when they haven’t done anything wrong to you but the sight of the man who dared to try to lay a finger on you even after you’ve warned him otherwise makes you tremble with uncontrolled anger.

You told him you hate to be reminded of the past but he ignored your words and now you’re left here remembering Hwang Leehyun and his despicable touches that suddenly surfaces as if all they’ve been doing nothing but hiding under your skin, waiting to be revealed each time your memories resurfaces.

You hate it, you hate it, you hate it.

You want to kill this man.

“I’ll deal with him.” Namjoon’s commanding voice brings you back to the present for a second, just a split second. But still that second saves you for a moment because that second allows you to fall distracted, eyes flicking over to him sharply, and you watch when Yoongi and Jungkook, who you didn’t realize had also come over, take the man off you.

It saves you from having to be cautious in letting him touch you, allows you to breathe, to stand back up straight, to hide your hands behind your back.

That’s right. You’re calm, you’re calm. Nothing fazes you, you’re fine, everything’s fine. He didn’t touch you, he didn’t even graze you in the slightest. You’re fine and no one has to get hurt.

No one has to die. Not today.

You turn towards the crowd, feigning a small smile as you lower your head slightly at them. “Thank you for your concern, please return to your business. I apologize for the public disturbance.”

And without waiting for them to make their moves, you turn, following Namjoon away from the scene.

It’s silent for the longest time until you’re brought to the back of the building where it’s secluded and the sun is already setting. Yoongi and Jungkook keeps the man held against his will with Jimin following along, and Namjoon looks at you for a moment before he addresses you.

You should have known he’d visit this art museum. Namjoon enjoys looking at art during his pastimes, especially during times when things are rougher and he needs his moments of peace.

“How would you like to deal with him?” He asks, noting at the way you keep your hands held behind your back while keeping your distance. It seems you’re still cautious of being touched.

You look away from the man who had offended you, brows knitted as you stare at the horizon where the sun is slowly setting. “It’s fine,” you say, “looking at him a moment longer will only cause my blood to boil.”

You’re still dealing with the aftermath of your last endeavors, they can tell, that’s why Namjoon remained silent about the profound revelation he found. Although he may be angry with questions waiting to be demanded out of you, he kept his emotions at bay after seeing it physically in front of him just how hard the last event had hit you.

Still, he can feel his patience quickly slipping away now that he’s bathed in your presence. You still seem weak, not your usual aloof self who was always so great at hiding your true self slip past anyone, and although others may not realize it, he’s able to see through you in some of the slightest ways, letting him know that you’ve indeed taken a great hit from Leehyun.

His body may have burned away but the memories will always remain.

Namjoon understands how that feels.

“Leave him be then,” he tells the two before looking at you again, “I’m sure you’ll deal with him if you’d like in the future. I won’t interfere.”

You give him a nod and the three of them leaves with the man in toll, leaving you alone with Namjoon.

Silence fills once more, leaving you with the same uncomfortable feeling you’ve felt for the past few days. A storm is brewing and slowly but surely, you can feel the match beginning to ignite. Perhaps he has something to say to you, perhaps he realized something, or perhaps it’s something else, but either way you see that Namjoon isn’t speaking up even though it looks like he’s hiding something from you.

You turn on your heels, not wanting to stall this moment any longer. If he wishes to say something, whether that’s about what happened at the Hwang’s manor or something else, he can say it at another time. Right now you just want to return home and take your anger out in the training field.

“Jungwon.” You pause in your steps upon the name that slips from Namjoon’s mouth, his first word taking you by unexpected surprise. “He’s dead…isn’t he?”

There’s a hint of wrath in his voice, a hint of fear, a hint of unease and terror, accompanied by anxious thoughts that run through his mind and as you stand there still under the lights that have flickered on upon the sun now dimming the city, you don’t give him an answer.

But that in itself is an answer and you hear him scoff.

It’s filled with disbelief and disappointment.

“To think you’d lie to me and use someone I love against me.”

You turn around at those words, making sure to keep a level head. Despite the fact that he found out the truth about your schemes, you always told yourself to be prepared for moments like this. Namjoon would have found out one way or another. After all, he wanted the truth on where his brother was, and eventually, you would have either had to relay to him the news of his death or he’d find out on his own.

You just never expected he’d find out this soon. You thought you had more time.

“I didn’t lie to you, Namjoon, I just withheld the truth.”

Namjoon laughs at those words, the amusement dead and filled with nothing but pure ire. “And what? You think that’s any better? You know just how much my brother means to me.” You see the other three returning from where you stand, see the way the rest of them have come along as well and it almost feels as if you’re cornered. You can’t run, you have to face Namjoon’s wrath and their disappointment but you expected this. You expected to be hated by them and you prepared yourself not to care, to let them go when the time came. They left you, you’re free to leave them in the dust as well. “You were my wife and I trusted you with my vulnerability. I shared a part of myself I’d never share with anyone else and this is how you’re going to act in turn? By using information on my brother against me?”

You know what you’re about to say is toxic, that you shouldn’t turn this against him but after what happened with Leehyun, you can only feel your patience and mask slipping away as the day passes so you don’t care to hold your tongue this time.

“I could say the same thing about you, Namjoon. I trusted you with my heart and guess what happened in the end? You took it right out, ripped it to shreds, and threw it onto the ground without a care in the world.” The new scars on your body, the gash on your leg, they all still hurt in many ways and you hate the fact that they saw you in that vulnerable state.

“This is my brother we’re talking about.”

“And what? My feelings never meant anything to you?” You ask, challenging him. “You have to admit what you did to me was wrong and even after all these years, you’re acting as if nothing happened. I hate it most when people feign ignorance and pretend all is well without wanting to face the horrid part of things.” You take a sharp look at the others, making sure they know as well. “From the very beginning, I was on the losing end. I was made a pawn in the game you took part in, all just for the sake of power, and then you proceeded to toss me aside once you no longer needed me. Isn’t it only fair I do the same thing to you?”

“That doesn’t make it right for you to have used my brother against me,” he retorts with the same fire burning in your eyes. “You acted as if the butler who served you was someone you cared deeply for but in the end, everyone’s just a pawn for you to use at your disposal, huh?”

“Then you and I are similar in that aspect. You are not innocent, Kim Namjoon. Did you really think after all these years I’d remain that same soft-hearted girl I was then?” You chuckle bitterly at the thought. “She would never forgive the person that I am now but she’s gone, Namjoon, she’s dead, so she cannot stop me from using you in the way I wish to. If I want to use your brother against you, I’ll use your brother against you. The butler I grew up with was a butler who served me well, but he was foolish thinking he could have gotten out of that manor safe and secure without troubles along the way. Your father was the one who led him to the Reaper’s manor but when his mission grew completed, he hesitated upon leaving. Do you wanna know why?” You stare him dead in the eyes without blinking in the slightest way.

“It was because of me,” you say, unfaltering. “He stayed because of me. And guess what happened in the end? I killed him.”

“This is all your fault,” your father whispers into your ear. “He’s dead because of you.”

The trembling and terrified little girl then no longer shakes when she looks into the eyes of Kim Namjoon, the little brother of the very first man who ever loved you and the very first man whom you loved gently in turn.

Mister Butler was a man who always smiled your way no matter how rough the circumstances were. He was always there for you, the only one who held his arms out when you stood on the side, holding your tears in upon the rejection from your mother and father, the only one who allowed you to cry without scolding you, without scoffing or walking away. He was the only man who cared for you in the Reaper’s manor, providing you the fatherly protection you always needed from the very beginning.

He was your father, your brother, your friend, and the companion you sought the existence of. He was your soulmate, the very first one.

And when he left, your world fell apart. 

Nothing was right from the very beginning but he made it seem as if that in itself was okay because he was there and whenever he was there, everything turned out to be okay at the end of the day. You could go to your mother, get rejected and ridiculed, but turn to your butler and he’d sing you praises after praises. You could look up at your father with those wide and innocent eyes, the eyes of a child seeking the slightest attention they could receive from a busy and distant father, and even after he ignored you for the hundredth time, you could turn to your butler and he’d give you the attention you crave a hundred times more.

“I hope Mister finds your happiness someday.”

“And I hope the miss finds her happiness as well.”

You both broke your promise; his was forcibly ripped away from him and you no longer seek to find the pleasures in life.

You see the way Namjoon’s brows furrow slightly more, his chin protruding in the way it does when he’s angry, but you can tell there’s some suspicion leveled your way upon your words so you decide to drive him more mad.

He can hate you all he wants. You want him to hate you. He has to hate you and see you as nothing but a cruel and selfish monster.

You’re a monster.

“The day of the incident, I watched him with my very own eyes as life slipped away from him. His eyes were lifeless, dead, a corpse. In the same way I killed my mother and father, I killed your brother as well. The man who cared so much for me died at my very own hands. His death was all..my...fault.”

You drag out the words, speaking the last remaining three words carefully and slowly as if to try and purposely antagonize him.

It works.

Because you see the way Namjoon’s eyes brighten with red, how it shakes, how his lips tremble slightly, how it takes him a moment before he tries to get the words out of his throat. “...What?”

Hoseok watches you with brows slightly knitted in between, his mouth open but unable to utter anything out and you hate the way he looks disappointed, as if everything that he’s ever known about you is slowly slipping away and the mirror has slowly but surely shattered.

It’s okay though, you want this. You want him to hate you, to finally show anger and disappointment and think all ill thoughts of you with no rainbows or sunshine left in between. If Hoseok thinks nothing but love and still cares for the person he let slip from his grasp, it will only hurt the two of you in the end. 

Because you are incapable of loving, you have to make him hate you.

And if that means making him hate you through your hatred for Namjoon, then you’ll use that to your advantage. No one knows of Mister Butler anyways, and the ones who did have all died and left to burn to tell your tales. No one knows how much you loved that man, how you cried so hard the day your father killed him mercilessly. Though you may not remember clearly of the incident itself, you will never forget how much it hurt losing him and in turn, being blamed and made the villain of his story when all you ever wanted was nothing but his happiness.

Father turned everything onto you. Everything was your fault. You killed your beloved butler who showed nothing but love and care towards you. You were the fool who killed your father, your brother, your friend, your companion, and your soulmate.

You killed him.

You killed him.

Namjoon lunges after you in a blind fits of anger and as you keep your emotions well hidden in the depth of your heart, you hate the way this reminds you of those days all those years ago when Namjoon grew to hate you and the rest of your lovers did nothing but watch in turn.

Here you are reliving those same memories.

But rather than letting him take you down the way you did those years ago, this time you fight back. This time you lunge right back at him, not caring for anything else in this world even as something in the back of your mind tells you that you can’t win.

You can never win against Namjoon because at the end of the day, he will always be stronger than you. No matter how much strength you’ve gained through your years of torture, no matter how hard you’ve trained, how great your masters were, your strength can never exceed that of his.

“How dare you?!”

If Namjoon wasn’t blinded by rage, he’d use his brain just like any other day and realize how could a small little girl just nine years old possibly kill a man who held the strength and power of a mafia heir behind him? If he wasn’t so blinded by emotions, he’d remember the girl you used to be; afraid of guns and violence and always hidden behind the safety and comfort of her loved ones. How could a little girl like that, whether loved by her people or not, possibly rid of another man?

How could she? When all she wanted was nothing but happiness for the people that gave her nothing but kindness?

“Namjoon stop.” Hoseok. Poor Hoseok who still has the brains to try and rationalize things tries to meditate between two opposing opponents.

“Stop?” Namjoon scoffs. “She killed my brother!”

That’s right, blame me. Hate me. Hate me even more.

“You know what’s funny?” You pick yourself up from the ground, disregarding the fact that your white skirt now has stains on it as you reach for the knife hidden under it. “That I still haven’t gotten an explanation as to what happened all those years ago. Do you really think I’ll keep being patient without ever demanding an answer out of you?”

“Why the hell did you kill my brother? What did Jungwon ever do to you?” He doesn’t look for an answer before forcing you to dodge to the side with his blade grazing the skin of your arm. No matter how quick you are, you’re still slower than Namjoon. “That’s right, Jungwon didn’t do anything, did he? He’s not the type to hurt a little girl.” The more he pushes forward, the less space you have as you dodge back with your feet leaping behind at each step he forces you to take. “Did you have your people go after him? Force him to submit to you? Did you go to your father and make up stories in order to get rid of my brother?”

You manage to land a punch on his face upon those words, feeling your own anger building up. “I told you my truth. Why don’t you tell me yours, Namjoon? Surely I deserve it, right? After putting up with being your pawn, after letting you use me on that mission where you forced me to submit to a disgusting creep. Did you ever actually love me, Namjoon? Or was that all just a game you and the rest of your boys decided to play in in order to see how long things would last?”

“Y/N—”

“I didn’t deserve that.” Your eyes burn with red, baring your teeth as you glare at the rest of them. “We live in a world where emotions and weaknesses are not welcomed yet I trusted you with my heart. I gave you my soul. I listened to your problems, allowed you to lean on me, held you, loved you, did all that I could because I trusted in your love, and in turn, I got treated like nothing but a pawn in that little game you decided to play.” 

You push Namjoon against his chest upon his silence. “I put up with so much. Allowed you to degrade me, belittled me, let you say all those cruel things to me while being that silent good little girl you always cared for. That night I ripped my ring out, I even begged on my knees for you.”

“..What?” Hoseok whispers softly, words you’re unable to be heard because you’re focused on everyone else but him. He stands there in utter silence, listening to you and taking each and everything to heart.

You got on your knees and begged for them?

They…forced you to that point?

Them?

Hoseok turns to look at the rest of them with disbelief, as if trying to find someone in order to tell him that you’re wrong, that they didn’t force you to that point, and that you’re just spewing out nonsense because you’re angry.

“And you.” But before he can get an answer out of any of them, you’re speaking up too quickly as you point your finger at the rest of the boys. “Do you have any idea how much I second-guessed my position in our relationship? How much I envied the passing times you’ve already spent with one another? How many nights I went to sleep thinking perhaps you could have done better, perhaps I shouldn’t have intervened and got into the arranged marriage? Do you have any idea how many insecurities I built, convincing myself that you could never love me as much as you loved each other? That when it ever came to a point where one or two of you is fighting against me, I’d be on the losing end and no one would take my side because you loved each other more than you loved me?”

You laugh bitterly thinking about those days, feeling foolish for not giving in to those thoughts. “You had the audacity to make me think otherwise when in the end, my greatest nightmare came true.”

Namjoon forces himself in between you and them, pushing you back slightly on the shoulder. “Don’t make this about you.”

“What? Don’t make this about me?” You scoff at him with disbelief. “I gave you my truth, Namjoon, don’t you think it’s high time you gave me yours? Unless you plan on keeping me in the dark forever? If you really loved me then, if those three years were real and not a lie you built for me to live in then give me the truth that I deserved all those years ago. You wanted me gone no matter what, right? And I gave you that benefit, I walked away from our marriage because you no longer wanted me there anymore so whatever the hell is the reason behind those cold shoulders of yours, give it to me damn it! I deserve it more than anyone!”

“I stopped loving you!” He shouts against your anger and it catches you off guard for a moment.

You look at him for a second and when a heartbeat passes, you let out a disbelief scoff. “Now was that so hard to say? You sick bastard..!”

You push forth with your knife hung in the air but before you can strike, Seokjin’s right in front of you, forcing your hand away and as you take a moment to watch him with bafflement, you realize the rest of them are all standing by Namjoon’s side, refusing to let you harm him in any way.

Hoseok looks distraught as he remains where he first stood, his head falling to the side, avoiding your gaze, and once again it seems that no matter how hard you tried, you could have never competed against their love for one another. Because even if Hoseok were on your side then, they would have never pushed him away or allowed him to leave in order to stay by your side. They loved him too much to let him go to you.

How selfish.

How…cruel.

“I see.” The strength in your voice weakens as you face the hard truth and although it looks like they want to say something, you don’t let them. “In the end, you really did love each other more than you did me. And I’m not upset at that, why I be? Feelings are something we cannot force no matter how much we try but you should have told me the truth instead of letting me be the fool into believing I could have been enough. I was never enough for you, was I? Or perhaps you were already enough for each other you didn’t need another one to intervene. Perhaps in the beginning you really did love me, or you thought you did. I want to believe in that love because you showed me sides to you you’d never show to anyone else. I want to believe that you were kind and not some cruel, heartless monsters who never cared for me and only used me as your pawns.

“And I’m not hurt because of the past. I’m over it. I’m hurt at the fact that you turned the little girl I was into a lovesick fool and made her believe nothing that she did would ever satisfy you. But she did nothing wrong…did she?” You look at them with your cold expression falling away, the anger still there but lessened as you’re more disappointed and hurt than anything. “I did nothing wrong. I was always enough, but you made me feel otherwise.”

You turn from them, not wanting to look at them any further. And as you walk away, this time even Hoseok doesn’t chase after you.

Perhaps he understands your pain, knows just how much the boys have messed up. And whether he wants to choose you or not is not a choice for him to make because at the end of the day, it will always be the boys.

You will always be Hoseok’s second choice.

.

.

.

“...Som.”

“Boss?” Dasom’s at your side in an instant. You aren’t sure how and where she appeared from but the second you walk in through the doors and uttered her name, she’s right there at your disposal, her eyes widened, a quick display of surprise plastered on her usual expressionless face. “What happened there?” She points at the light graze on your arm, her anger clear. “We aren’t supposed to go for another one until later so who dared to hurt you? Who do I have to—”

You put your hand up, cutting her off immediately just as Yuna appears alongside her. They remain silent in your presence, taking in the way you look. Your once pure white skirt spoils with dirt, blazer hung over your arm for someone to take, eyes falling blankly to the floor with a look of exhaustion clear on your face. There’s a slight furrow in your brows, lips sealed tight, eyes twitching a little.

You’re trembling in the slightest way. It won’t ever be prominent to the normal eyes but your Reapers will never miss anything about you.

Dasom’s quick to rush away on her feet without a word, probably to call Mingyu, while you look around for something, feeling restless, before sitting flat on the floor.

“I hate heels,” you utter, allowing your legs to straighten right before you, and without needing to demand anything out of them, your Reapers know immediately what to do.

Yuna crouches down to take your shoes off while someone else takes your hair clip off to free your hair.

“Boss?” And when Mingyu’s voice is heard, you stare up with an effort, suddenly marked with a memory of the past.

Everyone has left the room upon your silence. Everyone but your right-hand man.

You sit still on the floor of your bedroom, the only place that’s secure in this hellhole. You hate what lies outside the door, hate the halls, the eyes of your father’s men, your father himself, and everything else that exists.

Mingyu tends to the wounds you reveal after ripping your sleeves off, trusting in only him to see them after having gone through a series of feigning your strength before your father. He sent you on another dangerous mission, hoping to kill you.

“Boss?” Mingyu speaks up into the silence, prompting you gently as if he knows there are some things you want to let out.

So you speak. “Mingyu.”

“What is it?” He remains patient upon your hesitation, so you turn to look at him, eyes distant but holding onto your last bit of sanity that still exists.

“I’m tired,” you say, and that’s all he needs to hear to understand.

“Mingyu.”

He crouches down to your level and stares at the cut on your arm before taking a look at your slightly reddened feet from the heels. The silence lingers in the air and so he looks up at the rest, a signal they’re quick to pick up on and without a word, the Reapers that have gathered around all scatter away.

Once they’re all gone and out of sight without alerting any of your senses, you finally utter out more words.

“I’m tired,” you say, and Mingyu understands.

You’re tired, tired of everything. Tired of the world, of people, of everyone that has hurt you, of being weak and unable to face the truth without trembling, of pretending, of keeping strong, of lying, of being lied to, of your enemies, of your friends, of everyone and everything.

You’re tired.

You want to rest, to stop, to reset, to freeze time, to relive everything and make better decisions just so you don’t have to live through all of this ever again.

From what Mingyu can tell, there’s only one group of people that can make you look this way. There aren’t a lot of people who can go up against you after all, not to mention you had no plans to face anyone annoying today, so the only conclusion he can come up with is that you accidentally met up with Bangtan and something happened.

“He found out Mister Butler died,” you say, already knowing that Mingyu can always speculate what’s going on with you. Mister Butler will always be Mister Butler to you. Not Kim Jungwon, not Namjoon’s brother, not a man belonging to another gang, just Mister Butler. Your butler.

Your kind and gentle butler whom you killed.

“Ah,” is all Mingyu says as he makes himself comfortable on the floor.

You take your knees up to your chest and lay your cheek against them. “I told him I killed him myself.”

He purses his lips. “Why would you lie to him like that?”

“I wanted him to hate me.” You pause. “To blame me.” It’s a simple answer and Mingyu can already tell what’s going on inside your head.

You hate showing any bit of weakness in front of others, especially in front of strangers and in front of people that have wronged you. You hate it when someone shakes your core, when you can’t stand upright, when your falsehood falls and your brave act begins to break, and he knows you must have hated it most that you had to show such a vulnerable side of yourself towards the very ones who drove you back into such a harsh environment, forcing you to survive all on your own.

They unknowingly fed you to the wolves, just to watch in horror as they finally witnessed the consequences of their actions. What makes it worst is that they don’t even know that that was all their doing. You would have been safe staying with Bangtan if they hadn’t forced you to leave.

Lying to Namjoon about killing his brother was your way of distancing yourself from him, because even you could tell something would have changed in your relationship were he to begin acting differently around you after London’s mission.

You hate being weak and you hate it most of the people’s reactions to it.

Some people use that against you while others sympathize and act with more care around you. You and Mingyu both know Namjoon isn’t the type to use your weakness against you so you decided to keep playing the villain and drive him away.

“Do you ever plan on telling him the truth someday?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because he deserves it,” Mingyu says, “that’s his brother after all. No matter what happened between the two of you, you know he deserves the truth and not the lie you told him of killing his own brother yourself.”

You know.

You know more than anyone Namjoon deserves to hear the truth about what happened all those years ago. You remember the first night he opened up to you about his brother, how broken he looked to believe he failed Jungwon when in reality he had nothing to do with his death. It was all the corrupted fathers that involved themselves in the game of thrones, willing to discard all and anyone away whether they were family or not.

Namjoon’s father was just like yours and you know that if Namjoon were to ever find out the truth about your father, he’d hate himself the most.

They all would.

But you don’t care to give them the truth because they don’t deserve it, none of them do. None except Hoseok but you know that if Hoseok were to ever know everything, he’d beat himself up the most and you don’t deserve to put him through any of that.

Your secrets will remain yours both from Bangtan and the Reapers.

Still, if there’s anything Namjoon deserves, it’s the truth about his brother, just as Mingyu said. It wasn’t fair of you to use his brother against him after all. You were cruel for that but you had to do what you had to do. It was the only way to get through to Namjoon, make him a pawn in this stupid revenge game of yours. He doesn’t deserve the lies you gave him, the truth you withheld from him, but revealing the truth about Mister Butler’s death will also bring your own truth forward and you don’t think you can take that.

“If I tell him the truth about Mister Butler…that means telling my truth.” Mingyu watches you carefully as you speak and because you know even he and Yuna doesn’t know much about your past, your brows knit in distress as you look away from that piercing gaze, holding onto your knees even tighter. “Father killed him,” you utter bitterly as you bite against your lower lip, the effects of the incident still a place you’d rather not return to. “He was the first love I lost.”

You’ve told them about the first man who ever showed you kindness, that because he loved you, he died. You told them about Bangtan, that they failed you and betrayed your trust. The two of them, Mister Butler and Bangtan, are the very reasons why the Reapers are not permitted to love you.

To you, being loved is something out of the book. You’re scared of being loved because in the end, they either die or betray you. That is why you cannot see how deeply the Reaper’s loyalty lies.

Because you refuse to.

Because you’re afraid of it.

Afraid of loving and afraid of being loved.

“If I tell him about Mister Butler..how he died and how he lived…he’ll connect the dots. He’s already doing it right now, I’m sure of it. How can you still blindly think a father actually treated his daughter finely knowing she’s been through some stuff? Namjoon’s not stupid, none of them are. It was easy to live in the lie back then but now that I’m deliberately going after people, how can anyone not begin to question things?”

So you’ve pushed them away not only because you didn’t want them to treat you any differently but also because you’re pushing them away from the truth they may be hoping to find out.

“Not that it matters much anymore anyways.” You press your forehead upon your knees, hiding your face completely. “I told him I killed his brother and he told me he stopped loving me. In the end, the old me who was once the center of their attention fell away and was never enough for them. What a pitiful little girl,” you scoff lightly, bitter at the fact you’ve just uttered. “Nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough. She was so..dumb. But maybe she knew the truth all along. Maybe she just didn’t want to believe in it, deluding herself into lies after lies, trying to keep up the fantasy, living in a house of cards that had been inevitable to fall from the very beginning. 

“She was a fool. An utter, pitiful fool.”

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the hurting

— summary: you can break something in two seconds but it will take forever to heal

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 6.3k

— warnings: nothing too bad here, just more descriptive and less dialogue

— PART 14 / previous post / masterpost

“Y/N?” Seokjin calls again but this time you put a hand behind you, palm meeting the cold floor, and scoot off Leehyun’s body as if the touch that you feel against your face is causing your body to scream at you and turn away. He realizes that even in your current state, there is an underlying fright you feel towards his touch.

And perhaps it isn’t particularly his touch. It isn’t. Because when you scoot back and hit the foot of Hyunjin, they see you flinch. You stop moving to do anything, sitting still as if giving up, as if a fear has settled against you in which moving any more will bring you down a path that will cause you more grief and pain.

Hoseok had been frightened for a moment, afraid he had done something wrong when he reached out to you and you pushed him away while accepting Seokjin instead. But seeing you now, perhaps what you needed was just a moment of peace, someone to be put in your line of sight, someone familiar.

You asked Seokjin to save you, not from Leehyun because he’s already dead, but the fear of the unknown, the things that frighten you the most, the things only you truly know of, and as if your body couldn’t handle any more stress, it has forced you into a state where you can feel nothing.

“I’ll take care of upstairs,” Hyunjin states into the dead silence that had walked in. He doesn’t want to leave you but with how you are now, he knows anyone who reaches out to you will just cause your body more distress. If he can’t help here, he can help elsewhere.

Namjoon sends him a thankful nod before he takes off, footsteps hurried as they rush away. 

“Call Mingyu, let the Reapers know what happened,” the boss gives an order to which Jimin instantly reaches for his phone. You remain seated on the floor, staring blankly at nothing before you and Namjoon kneels down to take his blazer off to drape it around your shoulders, careful in his approach and making sure he doesn’t touch you in the slightest. He catches the sight of the gash on your leg, a small furrow in his brows at another scar that crawls up your right leg. Wherever you got that from, he’s sure that must have hurt but for now, you need medical attention on the one you’ve just received. 

Unfortunately, none of them can touch you now. You may look compliant but something tells him if any of them were to try, you’ll only be forced into a state that will have the horrifying memories crawl back up.

He can’t have that.

When he looks over your head to find Seokjin still watching over you, the two of them share a glance of conflicting eyes, unsure of what to think about all of this.

Seokjin can see the cuts you received from whatever happened during your lone moment with Leehyun. The guy must have had men coming at you, forcing you to fight against them on your own. He sees the red marks wrapped around your wrists and ankles, realizing Leehyun must have tied you up at some point.

Did you fight with your limps bounded by the ropes? From the looks of it, they must’ve been the really painful ones, the ones that hurt easily at even the slightest movement in order to prevent any sort of escape. Even under the makeup, he can see how tired you are, drained, as your eyes slowly blink.

You must want to sleep, your body desiring rest after a long, frightful day, yet at the same time you remain alert as if aware there are people around you and because of that, you can’t let your guard down just yet. Not until the alarms against your body finally disappears.

Ten years.

Ten years of your disappearance and here you are before them, left broken and tattered, the life of struggle so clear on your face. You’ve found people to remain loyal by your side but even then there will always be a part of you, a voice in your head that warns you to never trust again, that you can’t unless you want to live. To survive.

Is this all their doing? Does it have to do with something much darker? Much deeper? Or maybe it’s both.

Seokjin can only guess because you’d never tell them otherwise. He could try and ask your Reapers but with how deep their loyalty flows, he doubts they’d give him an answer either. And perhaps they don’t even have all the answers that will satisfy his questions. No matter who tries to understand you, there will always be no one close enough to understand everything about you. There will always be a part of you that you keep a secret.

There are questions swarming in his head, one too many to count. Because once a question has been made, there will always be varying questions that follow that, and then others that follow those ones.

Yet all of them begin with one thing; why did you kill your father?

There’s something more to what you’re telling, he’s sure of it. No one would kill their father just because they were bored. Even if something did happen to you to cause you to no longer feel any emotions, he knows you wouldn’t just kill your father just because it was convenient. You never desired power as much as the people Seokjin can name so it can’t be for the sake of that. Perhaps power helped, surely it did, but there’s something else there that he can only guess the answer to.

Yet he doesn’t dare to.

Mingyu comes in a minute later with Dasom along his side, and in an instant she’s right by your side, forcing Namjoon and Seokjin to make space for you.

They see the way Mingyu stands back, just observing and letting Dasom be the sole person to approach you. So if even Mingyu refuses to approach you now, they know it must definitely be men your body calls alarms to. All of this is Leehyun’s fault. The things he did, they can only imagine, but it must’ve been that bad if your body has forced you into this state and only allowing familiar feminine hands to touch you.

“Boss?” Dasom calls for you, her hand reaching out to you carefully as the rest of them watch with hawk eyes. When she holds your face and you do nothing to push her away, she takes it as permission for her to touch you. With a thumb lightly brushing against your cheek, Dasom frowns at the sight of the cut on your skin. “I’m here now,” she assures with gentle words. “If anything stings, if you can’t take the pain, just tug on my shirt, yeah?” She takes your hand so you can feel the hem of her shirt, letting your fingers take hold of it.

She leaves you be after a heartbeat, eyes scanning over your body, and begins to tend to your injuries with light approaches to make sure she doesn’t accidentally hurt you. Dasom doesn’t have the medical skills like that of a doctor but she’s picked up some knowledge ever since you first showed signs of being in this familiar state.

Mingyu gave her some basic tips, Yeonjun guiding her through, and for some time it had been only her and Yuna who could touch you and tend to you when you’re like this. Even sending you to a female doctor didn’t help because they had to be female, yes, but they also had to be people you were familiar with.

You’re smart, IQ excelling better than the average human, so even in this state, you understand whose hands are familiar and whose hands are foreign. That’s why when Lisa walked into your life and you allowed her heart to turn to you, Mingyu didn’t hesitate to let her join the team. She was younger but knowledgeable, a medic your father forced into this life.

“There.” Dasom pats the white bandage around your leg once she finishes and takes your hand which remains on the hem of her shirt. You tugged on it at least two times, obeying and compliant, and she gives you a small squeeze of care. “We’ll have Lisa look after you when we get back to the hotel, yeah? When do you want to return, boss?”

When they watch you, they hadn’t expected you’d reply but you do, lips prying open with a single word uttered out; “..home.”

It’s small, quiet, but they hear it.

You want to return home, home to where Korea is, where headquarter lies, where your mansion remains upstanding and tall. Home in the comfort of safety and no one has to look in otherwise the Reapers will take care of them. Home where the rest of them are, watching over you so you don’t have to worry about anything else.

“Alright boss, we’ll go home soon.”

“Home.” You tug at her shirt, a little more forceful than when you were tugging at them when her tending to you had stung. You shake your head, the features on your face marking with extreme distress. You don’t like the word soon. You’d rather go home now. “Home.”

It’s the only word you can say but Dasom understands. She understands your desperation in wanting to let her know that going home soon isn’t what you want to do. You want to go home now.

“Okay, okay,” she complies because there’s no other choice, not when they want your heart to beat as steady as possible. “Okay, we’ll go home. We’ll go home.”

Dasom presses a hand to the back of your head, bringing you forward to lean against the warmth of her hold. You let her touch you, let her hold you, and when your face is turned away and hidden against her shoulder, she injects something into your arm. In just mere seconds, your body relaxes and falls limply against her body.

Luckily Yeonjun came prepared to give you a serum that would force you into sleep. In this way, you won’t have to worry about anything. In this way, your body doesn’t have to go through any more stress than it already has.

When Dasom stands up with you held in her arms, she takes a moment to meet her underboss’s eyes first. Mingyu gives her a brief nod, appreciative of her presence and work before the both of them turn towards Bangtan.

“Thank you for upholding your promise,” Mingyu says and they both bow their heads before them.

Namjoon responds with only a nod, unsure of what else to say in this situation but his words aren’t needed when they turn, walking away without another word, leaving the rest of them to watch in silence.

It’s strange how quiet Mingyu is. He usually doesn’t say much in their presence, but it’s odd in the way that he isn’t saying anything about you or to you. He doesn’t react anything differently, his eyes don’t widen, he doesn’t shout at them for their failed part in not leaving you alone with Leehyun, nor does he even approach you with frantic worry. He cares for you deeply, that’s something they cannot refute, but for someone who cares for another as much as Mingyu does, his reaction is rather strange.

As if this side of you is something he’s seen before — or something he’s used to seeing.

Perhaps through all the things you’ve gone through, Mingyu has already seen it all and so all he does now is react accordingly. He doesn’t show unnecessary concern because he knows what’s going to happen to you afterwards, only acting when needed and knowing what to do as if on instincts.

If he can be so calm in such a situation, just how much has he seen?

“What’s wrong?” The sight of Taehyung looking uncomfortable catches Jimin’s attention and upon the question, the rest of them turn to find the gentleman staring at Leehyun’s body. The marks you left would be horrifying to anyone who isn’t used to gore and he wonders how you could have grown so violent to inflict such acts upon another human like this.

The last he remembered of you, a simple gun frightened you so much you trembled and couldn’t even close your eyes without wanting to tear yourself apart. Things are different now but even then he never knew you could change this much.

“I…” He turns from the body, hands balling into a fist with a look of displeasure and discomfort marking his features. He regrets something and hates himself for it. “I didn’t uphold my promise,” he says, a reminder that he left you alone to Leehyun when Mingyu made it clear to not ever do that. Taehyung understood the underlying warning in your underboss’s words but still, he failed you.

He looked away, had you go into a room with Leehyun, and lost sight of you. Whatever happened down the other end of where he and Yoongi walked in from, he’s sure it isn’t good. Luckily you didn’t look like you were triggered but the bruised markings decorated on your wrists and ankles let him know that you must’ve been bounded and attacked.

“If you’re blaming yourself for that then it’s entirely my fault for allowing Y/N to not let us follow her,” Namjoon states in a clear voice, his hand pressed upon Taehyung’s shoulder with a small squeeze. “Though in all honesty, something like this was bound to happen whether we intervened or not.” He knows because Mingyu didn’t berate them for their failed part of the mission.

Perhaps in his wishes of them staying by your side at all times, he also knew it would be an impossible task as you yourself would push yourself to the limit just for a completed mission.

And no one was allowed to stop you.

Namjoon turns at the body of Leehyun laying on the floor when a few of Hyunjin’s men walk in to clean up the mess. He begins to command out orders, pointing to the end of the opposite hall from where they came from, knowing something must be there from where you ran from. The place Leehyun brought you to probably has more bodies that you’d dealt with.

They tell him it’s a maze that only the boss and Hyunjin, as well as a number of trusted men know how to navigate through. Yoongi’s brows furrow at that, reminded of the way you ran towards them with no problem. Did it really take you one run-through of the maze for you to memorize the twist and turn on where to escape to?

Hyunjin returns to their side then and the seven of them are led through the area with his lead. The maze is indeed a place hard to navigate through especially if you’ve never been here before but you managed to make it to the exit high on adrenaline and panic.

At the end of the maze stands a door held ajar, the golden knob broken and barely holding on from the door, and when they step into the room, they find men sprawled on the floor under the dim flickering light of a simple lightbulb hanging onto a single string from the ceiling.

Ten men to be exact, all built with nothing but muscles, lay lifeless on the floor with no signs of a pulse on any of their bodies. Did you do this? It almost sounds impossible but the evidence lies right before their eyes whether they’d like to believe it or not. There is evidence of ropes on the floor, just like the one they found on the ground of the maze they just walked through, telling them that not only did you take care of these men but you did so with limps bounded.

“She’s incredible,” Hyunjin marvels at the sight of the room, “I never knew she was this…powerful.”

Neither did they.

You’re incredibly strong and smart, but it only brings them with more uncertainty as they think about how and why you could have possibly turned out like this. Some people give in to the suffering and pain they go through while others are forced to work on themselves, reaching levels higher than the average person who hasn’t been through any tough ordeal.

“Hyung..” They all turn at the voice of the maknae, instinctively alert at the call and unsure of who he’s specifically addressing, but they guess with the way Jungkook looks toward Namjoon that it has to be him he’s calling out for. His features mark with distress, a look of discomfort as he bites against his lower lip. “Y/N…something’s wrong with her.”

Yeah.

That’s the only conclusion they can come up with.

.

.

.

You were a gifted child no one thought to pay attention to — or rather they underestimated your potential all because you were born a girl.

You sit in your room alone, on the floor, as you wrap your arms around your knees, pressing them up against your chest with your chin propped up against your forearms. Everything is silent, just the way you’re used to, just the way you’ve been forced to your whole life.

Father was always good at picking up gifted kids, he brought the Reapers to life after all, but unfortunately for him, many of them betrayed him for his only daughter, the very person he hated the most in this life. He saw their potential, picked them up from the trash society that discarded them away, and forced them into his submission. You’re sure that if he treated them well, they would have given their loyalty to him instead.

But he didn’t and that was one of his many mistakes.

He had keen eyes for finding such talents and breathed life into their forms. He made them into the ruthless killers that they are today, able to serve you well without an ounce of hesitation in their bones. 

Just like how he made you.

It was your trauma and hatred for your father that brought you and the Reapers together to form an alliance. You saved them from their torment, promised them a better life so as long as they listened to your wishes and lived through the pain inflicted by your father. They saw you as their savior, a light in the darkness, and Mingyu was the one to make sure everyone’s lips were sealed and kept to themselves without caring to save you.

You didn’t care about being saved, you didn’t want them to save you.

You’re sure that during the line down the road of serving your father while secretly keeping loyalty to you, there were more than a few times they wanted to discard their words in hopes of saving you from your father. Perhaps it was their way of repaying you for what you had done, perhaps it was their sense of morals, but either way, you knew more than anyone that in the hopes of saving you, they’d only kill you.

You couldn’t be saved. 

Not by them, not by anyone. Because if they tried, everyone would die and your plans would all be for naught. Mingyu made sure they knew that and only kept the Reapers who understood that. Luckily everyone knew the rules and luckily no one struck out in the slightest temptation.

Father had keen eyes for gifted kids.

His only failure was not seeing your own potential because he hated you. That was his first mistake.

If he had used you well, he wouldn’t have died by your very own hands. He always saw you as inferior, someone too weak for the world, and forced you into submission when you should have been the one who stood by his side and worked with him.

He kept you as a puppet, giving out demands after demands, driving you into dangerous missions after missions, thinking, hoping, praying for the news of your death to come when he’s in the middle of filling out paperwork and his only response would be a shrug. But unfortunately for him, your death never came.

He should have seen the signs then but he was too blinded by his hatred for you to see.

Father should have known you were smart. How could a fourteen years old with no previous knowledge of anything escape the clutches of a thirty-something years old man who had all the experience in the world? Daejung was a powerful man not only for his strength but for his brain. If you were a simple fourteen years old girl, you would have never been able to see through his traps and escape the very first night you saw your chance.

Yet father never picked up on anything and only uttered the words “four days. you’re weak.”

Maybe in another life, if father were smarter he’d be able to use you to your full potential and when that moment comes, you’d have never been able to escape his clutches. But in this life, things are different and you’re glad for your father’s blindness.

Because in his ignorance towards you, you were able to build up a whole team of Reapers who only followed you, who would never betray you should a moment come, and who will follow you down a path of hell without hesitation. He never saw your plan of betraying him, never knew you were capable of gathering his own allies to turn against him, never thought you would ever shoot a bullet straight through his head.

He was aware of everything else around him except his very own daughter. But for the sake of pretending to be submissive to him, you hurt in the process.

How long since you woke from your broken state? How long since you’ve shut yourself from the world, from everyone including your Reapers? How long since you’ve last eaten, since you’ve last slept? You can’t tell with your blackout curtains blocking away any sunlight just outside the windows but you’re sure it’s been enough time.

Though you know your Reapers are concerned for you, they don’t knock on the door, don’t try to pry themselves into your life. They know not to do anything unless you let them in, until you let them take care of you again. But until then, they worry in their own times, brows furrowing when the food they’ve left outside your door is untouched, when your room remains closed and locked, when no sounds are heard during times when they’ll walk by quietly, knowing not to disturb you.

You don’t let anyone in, not even Yuna.

But if you aren’t calling for Yuna or Mingyu then it means that you’re alright enough to not have a mental breakdown. They have comfort in knowing at least that.

Bangtan has visited a few times, especially Hoseok. He doesn’t go near your door, hoping you don’t get triggered by anything, not wanting to upset you. Mingyu keeps any updates about you vague, only uttering the words “she’ll be okay” and nothing more, nothing less.

Hoseok accepts it even though he should ask more questions, even though he should know more. Because out of everyone who has shown concern, he’s the only one worthy enough to know even if that sort of information is something Mingyu can never reveal. You’ll get genuinely angry at him otherwise and that’s a sight Mingyu never wants to be on the receiving end of.

When Hoseok visits, he sits in the living room where you usually meet your guests. Sometimes he’ll sit alone, sometimes Mingyu will be there to converse with him. He’ll sit on the sofa sipping the tea that’s been prepared because in the Reaper’s manor, no one drinks coffee. Tea is the only drink that can calm your nerves down so they don’t need coffee in this house.

Ever so often his eyes will flick to the door as if he’s hoping for something. Will the door ever open to reveal the very person he comes to visit? Will you walk in and finally present yourself to him? And when you do, how will you look? Will you have bags under your eyes as a sign of your unrest? Will you conceal that with makeup or will you not care to put anything on because it’s annoying?

You mentioned before that putting on makeup is a hassle. You don’t like the way it feels on your skin and you hate the process of taking it off. It feels weird afterward, as if your skin isn’t clean. He knows that sometimes you enjoy decorating your eyes, experimenting with them, but most days you’ll leave your face bare as you roam around the house, liking the feel of nothingness on them.

That’s why you hate having to attend parties. Parties require dressing up and wearing makeup. You hate the way people eye you whenever you’re in the crowd trying to blend in. You can never blend in. Yoongi always told you you were like a butterfly among the moths, a bright beacon that attracts them, so how can anyone take their eyes off you?

You don’t like the fancy clothes, the dresses that reveal more of your skin. You hate the attention. You hate the crowd.

“I’m not too fond of these types of dresses,” he remembers you saying the other night. It made him smile because it sounded like you were complaining, as if what happened in those past years was nothing but a fever dream.

But he knows it isn’t a fever dream, not when he’s sitting in the middle of your living room reliving the events of what happened in London, waiting for your arrival and only becoming disappointed in the end.

Your game of revenge is a game that plays with your emotions, provoking you through and through, shakes your resolve, breaks your mind, and tears you down to the tiniest pieces. You hold yourself well in front of others, concealing everything that creates you, and that’s why your body forced itself to shut down and display an emotion of void; it knows you’re afraid of breaking down before others and it knows when you’ve had enough.

Your body is the only force that can stop you on your mission of revenge, but how much longer will he have to watch to finally see you too far gone? Will anyone be able to stop you then before it’s too late?

“You should head back.” Hoseok looks up at Yuna who will forever have that black blindfold around her eyes.

When she addresses him, she speaks to him in a manner different from when she faces the rest of the boys. She’s more guarded around them, voice always on edge, but with him, she saves him the effort and results in a less guarded expression.

Yuna reminds him of a loyal beast. She’s soft and gentle when she stands before you, addressing you kindly without even the tiniest amount of hostility. She trusts you completely and cares for you in the most tender ways. But when someone does you wrong, when she faces the people that aren’t good for you, she will bear her fangs and stand before you, guarding everything that you are without hesitation.

She knows who to let in and who to shut out and Hoseok is one of the people she puts a bit of trust in.

He guesses that must be because he’s one of the few people in your life that never went out of his way to betray your trust.

He’s thankful for it but a part of him will always be torn between you and the boys. It was wrong of them to put him in a situation where he had to choose but that’s why you left. You left not only for yourself but you left for him. Because you knew that if Hoseok had known anything that he didn’t know then, it would have caused a rift in the relationship and he knows you would have never forgiven yourself if that were to ever happen.

You left so he didn’t have to choose.

At first, it broke him. Your leaving made him hate the boys so much and caused him to distance himself away from them. He can’t count the many times he was almost tempted to have grabbed the keys of his car and ride into your driveway, demanding you back. He wanted to meet you again and ask for forgiveness.

But what did he have to apologize for? He wasn’t the one at fault and you knew that.

Only until a few months into the divorce did Hoseok finally forgive himself just a bit. He realized that even though you were forced to leave, you still did it willingly as well. If you saw him then you’d tell him to make up with the boys, that you wouldn’t want to be the reason their love fell apart.

So he reconciled with them for you. A part of him would never forgive them for what they did but he still loved them dearly and he knew that losing them would cause him more grief. So he returned to them before it was too late, all the while crying because even though he returned, his heart could never be filled to the brim. There was always something missing and that missing piece was you.

Hoseok stands from the sofa and walks off like a routine but rather than going past the door as usual, he pauses for a moment. Yuna turns to him expectedly, knowing he has something to say.

“Thank you for taking care of her all these years,” he says, and when he walks off again, Yuna can only look towards the floor, hating every bit of the situation.

You never told her much of the details of your relationship, just very vague snippets of your love life, but she does recall you calling for Hoseok at times when you dream. When you speak of him, you always tell her that nothing was his fault because even though he wanted to save you and mend the relationship, you wouldn’t have let him.

You were glad he never came after you, glad he stayed with the boys in the way you forced him to. Hoseok would have had to choose a side if you hadn’t left so you never regretted leaving for the sake of your healing and for the sake of his.

Yuna knows that if Hoseok ever knew about the truth about your father, he would have never let you go. Will he ever find out though? Will you ever allow him the privilege? And if you ever do, how will he take it? She knows he will only regret things more.

Yuna turns from him to walk down the opposite hall of where he is, only to freeze in place when she feels another presence.

“My lady?”

You stand still from where you are, dressed in a white nightgown as you stare at the back of the one man who trusted and loved you when it felt like the whole world was against you. Luckily Yuna kept her voice low so he doesn’t have a chance of hearing and turning around.

You don’t want him to turn around.

In your heart, Hoseok is the one that got away, the soulmate whom you loved at the wrong time, your tragic fate. Perhaps in another lifetime, you could make up and you won’t have to worry about any other factor. Perhaps in another lifetime, you can love again.

In this life, you don’t trust yourself to love again. If Hoseok still cares, if Hoseok still loves you, you know that even then you won’t be able to stay with one another. For one thing, he has the others and you’re too selfless to take him away from them even if you hate them for what they did to you. Because Hoseok did nothing wrong and he doesn’t deserve to be torn between a bridge. You can’t take his people away from him so you decide to suffer instead.

“I want..a bath,” you tell Yuna, words beginning to form slowly after going days without using your voice. Dasom told you you can only communicate in one-word forms when you’re in a state where your body has shut down and you can feel nothing. They’ve learned to understand you, a skill they’ve picked up because there’s no one else to put in the effort.

Your Reapers will always do all that they can to help you.

Yuna gives you a nod. “I’ll call Dasom,” she says.

You know she’s concerned and wants to ask you questions. Are you okay? How do you feel? But she leaves it be for now because you’ve come out of your room. You’re walking with a limp and you’re bringing yourself slowly back into the light.

That’s enough for her.

She just knows she’ll have to order someone to prepare your food later. But for now, she calls for Dasom and the two of them lead you back into your room. Yuna runs the water warm and Dasom helps you into the tub so you don’t slip on your unsteady legs. They remain by your side as you sit in the bathtub, lost in thoughts while Dasom runs her hands through your hair, scratching lightly for the shampoo to run white and foamy.

“Why was Hoseok here?” You ask them after a few moments of silence. Your voice is a bit rough around the edges as it tries to get used to speaking again after going silent for days.

Yuna hesitates to answer. “He..comes around often. Ever since we returned.”

“Why?”

“He was worried,” she says simply and you pull your knees further into your chest, the ripple of the water felt against your naked skin.

You never wanted any of them to see you in such a state but you guess it was better than breaking down uncontrollably, an intimate moment you rarely even show the Reapers except Mingyu. Your body probably understood that, hence it stopped you just as you begged Seokjin to save you.

Ah.

You can’t believe you did that.

Leehyun triggered your senses but you can’t believe you actually turned to Seokjin and clung to him, asking him to save you. If only it had been Hoseok who grabbed you, maybe then you’d feel less uncomfortable and discontent with the fact that you showed such a weakness towards the people who never deserved it.

It leaves you bitter thinking about it.

Still, would you actually be more content with turning to Hoseok instead?

“Thank you for taking care of her all these years,” his words echo in your head when you decided to finally leave your room and take a walk, only to find out Hoseok had been here possibly waiting for your arrival.

If you had turned to Hoseok and asked him to save you instead, you don’t think you’d be able to take his reaction in. You remember the moment you stopped going to Hoseok all those years ago, when you stopped trying to rely on him. It was the moment you knew you had to prepare yourself for being alone again, when everything was falling apart and you didn’t want him regretting anything in the end.

You didn’t reach out to him, you didn’t ask for his help, and during your last moment with him, you asked him to let you go.

“I’m tired,” you said. And you remember the way he broke at those words.

In the end, he allowed you to go because those words carried so much weight to him. You were tired, tired of everything, and even though he wanted to save you, you weren’t going to allow him. So he stepped back and cried as you stepped away for one last time, never to return ever again.

If you had asked Hoseok to save you, if you had been selfish at that moment and turned to him rather than push him away, you don’t know what you’d do knowing you’d hurt him.

You don’t want to give Hoseok any false hope because you know you aren’t capable of loving again. If it takes only two seconds to break something then it’ll take a lifetime to heal and you know that you aren’t going to heal.

As long as you live to seek for revenge, you won’t heal.

You can’t have them both at the same time so rather than healing, you choose vengeance.

.

.

.

When Hoseok walks into Namjoon’s office as he usually does when he returns from his visit, he momentarily freezes in place at the tension that fills up the space.

The boys are all in the room, faces filled with grim. Taehyung’s looking at the floor, his eyes shaking from one place to another, not able to stay still while Jimin bites his lower lip and Jungkook fiddles with his fingers, a sign of anxiety running through their thoughts.

When he walks into the room, Yoongi looks away from him, not meeting his eyes, while Seokjin has his arms crossed against his chest, a small shake of his head when Hoseok eyes him with a question.

“What’s wrong?” He asks the room, moreso directed at the boss.

Namjoon meets his gaze with a look of distress and anger, ire and hurt flashing in his eyes as he holds onto a piece of letter with his veins popping into visibility. “Jungwon’s dead,” he utters. “He’s been dead.”

💜💜💜

🌸Shades of Us Masterlist🌸

Poly!Namgi x Reader (f) College AU

Pairings Namgi x Reader, Side Vhope

Tags: Poly!Au, Namjoon x Yoongi x Reader, College!AU, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Frenemies to Lovers, SemiCrack!AU.

My full Masterlist found here!

Nsfw/18+ 💋, Fluff 🌸, Angst 🥀

Main Story:

Official Character Profiles

Espresso 🌸

Caramel 🌸

Mint 🌸

Strawberry 🌸

Interlude - Tutu Pink 🌸

Snippets

Snippet 1 - Cold Days 🌸

Snippet 2 - Blanket of Warmth 🌸

Snippet 3 - Attention 💋

Snippet 4 - Pigtails 🌸

Snippet 5 - Pretty Kitty 🌸

Snippet 6 - Glide 💋

Snippet 7 - Two for Two 🌸

Snippet 8 - Hoodie 🌸

Snippet 9 - Attention pt. 2 💋

Snippet 10 - Corn Maze 🌸

Snippet 11 - Skip 🌸

Snippet 12 - Dine Out 🌸

Snippet 13- Birthday Candy 🌸

Snippet 14 - Blondie 🌸

Snippet 15 - Touch 🌸

Tidbits

Burnt Eggs

Coffee 🌸

Extras

What Namgi look like in SoU

💜💜💜

jimin knows tae too well to not figure out instantly that it was him 😂 (cr. @jung-koook)

+ denies it till the end 😂

💜💜💜

Eucalyptus

Warnings: Swearing, abandonment, hybrids are only considered as pets, mentions of pre-heat and scent triggers

Premise: A sugar glider hybrid with a broken past. Seven men convinced they can give her the life she's always wanted. Sometimes destiny has a funny way of finding you, and sometimes it smells like Eucalyptus.

Authors notes: Surprise! I know it has been a while, and I'm so sorry about that. I have a few fics I'm finishing up, so I'm hoping I'll have them to you soon! -Anyways, enjoy and please let me know what you think

Masterlist

Hearing voices of the shelter workers coming down the hall, you quickly swallow down your mouthful of food. It didn’t matter how long you had been here, you still didn't particularly like any of them. It’s not as if they were bad people, they did their job well. But you could never really bring yourself to trust them. The humans you had encountered before being at the shelter were a waking nightmare. This small cage you were given was the only isolated solace you had.

You watched other hybrids come and go, many being adopted into ‘forever homes’ as the workers called it. You didn’t believe in their stories of warm caring homes, with owners that cherished their hybrids. You’d never seen it, so it couldn't be real.

Stalking over to perch behind one of your logs you waited for them to walk right past you. They always did. No one wanted a broken hybrid. A sweet melodic voice echoes in your ears as they approach. Your ears twitch with interest, ok maybe you were slightly curious about this person now.

“Our rodents are kept separately for their safety. However many of them can live in interspecies homes.” You could hear the attendees' voices now. You inwardly can’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes. You really didn’t enjoy this man. “I understand you are hoping for a smaller hybrid.”

“We're hoping for one we can bring to work with us, not just leave at home. There’s seven of us, and we each want to be able to care for our hybrid.” The sugary voice sings, your ears twitch again. You know you shouldn’t but you can't stop yourself. You peer up over the log down the hallway as two figures move in your direction.

“We have a few rabbits, mice, hedgehogs, cats, a couple of smaller dogs and-” The attendees’ head shakes.

“And?”

“Well we have another option….she’s a little more difficult? And not what you’d expect, we’ve had her here for a few years and she hasn’t shifted into her human form.” A loud sigh.

‘Oh please, next time you try to pick me up I'm peeing in your hand’ You huff angrily. ‘difficult-HA! I’ll show you difficult.’

In your mental retaliation you don’t realize they’ve stopped in front of your cage, until a figure leans down to take a look. Bright sparkling eyes stare at you through the bars of your cage. You unintentionally hold your breath.

‘pretty’ your brain supplies and you mentally slap yourself. ‘Not helping.’

“She’s so cute.” The pretty man states, large eyes full of excitement.

‘Flattery will get you nowhere…’ You want to glare at him, and you definitely try. But his complement made you blush deep under your fur. ‘Well maybe somewhere….Who told you you could be so pretty?!’

People never stopped to look at you. Once they knew you didn’t shift they’d breeze right by. This attention was new, scary yet thrilling.

“May I?” He gestures toward the cage door, you frown slightly and take a step back.

“If you want, she doesn’t bite, but she doesn’t like people either.” He remarks and unlocks the door.

The pretty one slowly opens the door, placing his hand on the floor of your cage facing up. And he waits, he leaves his hand there and watches you.

“I used to own sugar gliders.” His voice oozed with even more sweetness. “What’s her name?”

“She was found out in a snow storm, so we call her Snow.”

He just hums at the other male. Eyes never leave yours, as you stare at his hand and then glance to his eyes then back at his hand.

“Come here Snow. Let’s meet each other.”

‘Try anything and I’ll bite you…ok maybe I won't, but I’ll run away and make this very hard for you SIR.’ Glaring at the man in daring to hold his hand into your cage. You sniff the air, taking in the new scent, lavender and chamomile. Sensing nothing, only warm eyes watching you, you cautiously take a step closer. The scent is a little stronger now, you take another step and another then another.

Surprisingly your instincts aren’t telling you to run. Fight or flight was something you were accustomed too. Being the type of hybrid you are, it was embedded into your core. You seemingly slope yourself over to his hand giving it one more sniff before stepping onto it. You look up at him, as he slowly pulls his hand out of the cage and up to his face.

He coos at you. You almost keen under his gaze, his smile breaking out wider making him look even more gentle. You watch intently as he brings his other hand up, finger pointed he stops inches from your head.

“Does she like being pet?” He asks, realizing too soon that it might scare you.

The attendee shrugs behind him, “Honestly I’m not sure, no ones been able to hold her like that.”

“Is it ok?” The genuine concern in his voice makes your head tilt. Was he really asking you for permission? Who the heck is this guy? He brings his long crooked finger closer to you, but still doesn't make contact.

Whether it was your instincts or your want to trust him, you don’t give yourself a moment to think. Your eyes close and you lean up, letting your head touch his digit. You hear him exhale deeply, normally you would have jumped at the sudden noise, but feeling his touch your mind instantly relaxed. He lets you rub your head on him, moving yourself to let you scratch behind your ears.

He chuckles lightly, “Hello Snow, my name's Jin. Would you like to come home with me?”

You halt in your hyperfixation on his hand to look at him. ‘You are a weird one pretty Jin’

How come he keeps asking you? What was wrong with this man? You never had a choice, you were a pet. Pets don't have choices, choices were made for you whether you liked them or not.

“I do have to warn you, there are 6 other people that I live with. They’ll want to also shower you with love and attention. Do you think you could handle that?”

One was hard enough to please, but seven? Seven people to disappoint, to not be enough for, to show how broken you truly were. But he knew you couldn’t shift, he called you cute, and he asked you if you were ok with things. You liked his touch, six more people like him? That sounded too good to be true, could you really trust him after everything you’d been through?

That you weren’t sure, but hell- you wanted to. Every fiber of your being wanted to stay with this man. Nothing in your life had given you the comfort that this man's hand did. Nothing.

‘What do you have to lose, Y/N? Another disappointment won’t kill us. We’ll just end up back here, there could be worse.’ You try to coax yourself into making a decision, leap back into your cage or take a step with him.

You brace yourself and take a step onto the sleeve of his sweater. You don’t hesitate anymore as you climb up his arm onto his broad shoulder, as you peer over it you see there's a hood on his back. You make a break for it, jumping into it you’re enclosed in his warmth and scent. Snuggle into it, curling into a ball letting out a sigh of content.

“I’ll take that as a yes” You feel his back vibrate as he speaks. The attendees' words are muffled in your comfort. You let yourself slip a little too far as a cold hand breaches your new found nest and rips you out.

You let out a raspy gargled bark of annoyance as you can instantly tell it's no longer Jin handling you. Your legs find the bark of your log again, glancing up you can feel the panic rising. Did he change his mind? The door closes and Pretty bends down to look at you again.

“Don’t worry Snow, I’ll be back to take you home ok? Be good till then, I promise I’ll come back soon.”

You want to trust his words even more now, you give him a slight nod before climbing up into your makeshift nest. Deciding to find comfort in sleep, fear gripping at you as you hope he does indeed come back for you. Paperwork needs to be done, he probably has to get his home ready for you, so many things go on before you can leave with him. This isn’t the first time, but this is the first time you actually felt terrified of him walking away and never coming back.

You hear them leave the hallway, door clicking behind them as you hear the attendee mention paperwork and the adoption fee. You stone your emotions. You won’t let yourself be used again.

‘We won’t be hurt this time…not again…not every time.’ And you fall asleep as you chant to yourself over and over and over again.

****

“-And that’s all I know.” Jin's monolog finally comes to an end, hands fiddling with the pen in his lap. “They gave me a picture of her and the paperwork. Regardless at this point, I’ve promised her I’m going back for her, so it’ll be up to you guys if you are also going to sign the adoption forms or if it’ll just be me.”

He places your photo and the forms on the table for them to take a look. Hesitant hands reach for the picture, features turning soft before handing it down the table for the rest.

“And you’re sure about this Jin?” Namjoon questions as the photo is handed to him.

“100%. She doesn’t trust easily and she definitely has some social issues, but there’s something there.” He doesn't know how to fully explain himself. None of them had owned a hybrid before, all having very different views on the idea of owning another being like this. Jin himself was most against it, hybrids were people too. If only half, but still human, it didn’t mean they didn’t deserve love and a home either. However, talking to some of the staff back at Hybe and their hybrids they could all see what good they could do for a hybrid of their own. Taking in one from the shelter nearby was something they all agreed on, Jin opting to take charge and stomaching a walk through and meeting the adoptees. The choice to only take on one hybrid was also unanimous, as they were all separately busy at times, but mostly they were together.

They created a checklist of what they would like in their new family member. Smaller in stature, so they could bring them everywhere. Comfortable being in their animal form, making it easier to bring them to locations or the studios. Self entertained, if they had to leave them at home on their own they wouldn’t suffer from the seperation, human or animal. They didn’t particularly care about animal species or male vs female. They trusted Jin because he was the one who had the most to say about it.

“There was just a connection. I felt it. I can’t explain it.” He sighed, he wants them to take a chance on you. He needs them to.

Namjoon eyes the adoption forms on the table, spying Jin's signature already along the dotted line. He reaches for it, bringing it closer to read through it. Jin holds his breath, as the other members watch Namjoon’s face waiting to hear his verdict.

“Alright.” Namjoon finally breaks the silence. “Do you have a pen?”

Jin’s cheeks hurt from the smile that appears on his face, he gives an airy chuckle before handing over the pen to his leader.

He watched the other members read over it- look back at your picture and sign. This was it, he was going back to get you.

****

It had been a few days since Pretty had promised you he would come back. At this point your hope was slowly dwindling. You know you shouldn't hold onto this hope, you shouldn't have let it grow in the first place. You knew better. But looking in his eyes, hearing his voice, hope started to grow before you even realized it.

You had become angry at yourself for hoping. By the second day you had refused to eat. One part punishing yourself, another part being you just couldn’t find it in you. You were just exhausted from wishing for more. This cage was safe at least, you should be thankful for it.

Every time a worker switched out your untouched food they would all say the same thing. ‘C’mon Snow, he’ll be back for you’, ‘It’ll be ok, he really liked you’, ‘don’t give up yet, Snow. You have to be feeling ok when he comes to get you’. You couldn’t bring yourself to believe them…Not anymore. Not after everything.

So you spent the days sleeping away your funk. You’d feel better eventually. And you did. By the 5th day after Pretty’s visit you had eaten your breakfast and the surprise sugar cane stick they had given you. You had managed to precariously climb to the top of your exercise wheel, scaling the branches and using your hammock as leverage, trying your best to balance on the outside of it.

You heard footsteps come down the long hallway, deciding to ignore it. You almost fumble when you hear someone call your name.

“Snow~”

The cage door opens abruptly, but you hold your ground.

“Where are you? Are you hiding from me again?”

Trying your best not to move, undeciding if you want to surprise attack or indeed continue your long standing game of hide and seek with this particular employee.

Before you can decide, your hiding spot has already been discovered.

“There you are!” A hand reaches into the cage. You can’t dive away from it while balancing on this stupid thing. All you can do is bark angrily as it encircles around you, lifting you into the air. “C’mon Spunky. You have a date with destiny.”

‘This lady has officially lost it.’ You struggle against the cold grip around you, gargling at her the whole walk to the main vets room. She ignores your displays, she’s too used to your dramatics now. The main room is harsh and white, smelling strongly of whatever sterilizer they use. On the steel table is a cat carrier, with a smell you can't place. You begin to struggle against her. ‘LADY ARE YOU FEEDING ME TO A CAT!? What the hell kind of injustice is this!!’

One handedly she opens the carrier door. Peering through her fingers, it's empty. Except for a blanket and a stuffed toy and a sugarcane stick. Your whole body goes tense. Not a cat…then what's that smell? You’ve smelt it before but there’s something off about it. Like it’s mixed with something. Sweet, acidic, musty, earthy, floral, fruity and minty. Weird, where is it coming from?

She plops you down on the blanket, next to the toy. Immediately all the smells hit you. It’s coming from both the blanket and toy.

“It’ll be ok girl.”

‘Will it? So far everything has been all ass-backwards, what is happening?’ You scowl at the two items, but eye up the stick. She gently locks the door behind you.

“I hope you have a great time and enjoy yourself.”

‘I would if you would tell me what the hell is happening? Where am I going? Am I moving to another shelter? When you guys moved that bearded dragon out you did the same thing’ That would make sense, this isn't usual protocol for adopted hybrids, so many you were being moved to a permanent shelter.

‘Honestly if I knew I was leaving I would have bitten at least 2 of you’ You grumble, taking the stick between your teeth you begin to pull it further onto the blanket towards the toy. If these smells were from the new place, it's better to get used to them now rather than let them smack you in the lungs when you get there.

“There you go girl, just relax. I’ll be back soon to get you.” She explains as she walks back out of the room. You let out a huff as you begin munching on the stick. Sugar cane wasn’t your favourite, but it was still better than most snacks they tried to give you.

Still, there was something about these smells. Something familiar, but with the other smells mixing with it it made it impossible to differentiate.

With a mouth full of snacks you hear the door open again, expecting the same female voice again.

“Snow?” The sweet voice resonates in your ears. Hyperfixation and instinct taking over, you dart over to the carrier door to be able to look out.

The male figure comes around to you, smile still as dazzling as all those days ago.

‘Pretty!’ You let out an excited chirp. He’s here. He came back!

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to come back, but I wanted to pick you up personally.” Jin cooed at you. You were still as cute as he remembered. He couldn't express to his members that he already missed you. Not even 30 minutes with you and he was smitten. Unable to let anyone else retrieve you, working even harder to finish his project, those 5 days felt like torture to him.

Before he can say anything else another person enters the room. The lead vet comes in, you had deemed him the nicest. You didn’t exactly fight him when he checked on you, but you would hiss occasionally to warn him if you didn’t like something. He would stop if you told him to, which made him the nicest. Plus he would sneak you some of your favourite snacks. The one the attendees didn’t.

You start chirping repeatedly at him ‘Pretty came back! Pretty came back!’

“Someone’s excited.” He laughs. “But I can’t tell which one of you is more so.”

Jin lets out a soft airy chuckle, apparently he wasn't hiding his very well.

“Normally I would just tell you to call the shelter if you have any issue or questions, however. I have a soft spot for our Snow, she’s a feisty one, but I’ve been hoping someone would give her the family she deserves. So here is my personal number.” He hands over a business card with pen scribbled on the back. “You can call me anytime. Or text me. Either way I’ll try to answer as soon as possible. Make sure all of you have it ok?”

“Of course! Thank you so much for this.” Jin places the card into the envelope you didn't notice he was carrying until this moment. “Can I take her home now?”

“Absolutely.”

“Let's go home Snow.” You chirp at him again to signal you're ready. He grabs the handle of the carrier and lifts it off the table.

****

To say you were nervous would be putting it mildly. You started to tremble not even 5 minutes in, Jin sitting in the back with you. He noticed almost instantly, his voice soft and soothing. What really surprised you was when he opened the carrier door, offering to hold you for the rest of the drive. You quickly opted for his warmth rather than let yourself dwell on your nerves. Snuggling into his lap, his hands petting you in a gentle rhythm. The only time anxiety began to rise back in you was when he let you know that you had arrived. Instead of letting him usher you back into the carrier you scrambled into his hoodie pocket.

Jin hesitates before going into their suite. He was worried about how you were going to handle having 6 new people. He glances down at you peeking out from his pocket.

“Ready?” His smile still held so much hope. “Take your time ok? Everything will be ok.”

You give him a nervous chirp in response before stealing yourself. You can smell the mix of scents seeping through the door. The same smells as in the carrier, it must have been from all of them. Them hoping to make you comfortable before coming here. You melt a little at the thought. None of them have an unpleasant smell, in all actuality they smelt really good, especially one scent that piques your instincts. Curiosity starts to make you feel antsy as he finally opens the door and walks in.

The members are scattered around the living room. Tension is thick in the air, as well as worry making their scents burn the back of your throat.

“Hey guys, we’re home.” Jin places the carrier on the table, you can see the members trying to not surround it, but the excitement that now shifts in the room is almost contagious. You don’t know why you do it, your instincts taking over.

You chirp at them. Announcing that you're not in the carrier, but on Jin's person.

“What?” Six heads snap to the oldest.

He clears his throat before bringing his hand to you, waiting for you, you climb aboard.

“Everyone, this is Snow. Snow, this is Jimin, Namjoon, Taeyhung, Hoseok, Jungkook and Yoongi.” He points to each person as he says their name.

Are these many prettys allowed to be together? They’re all pretty, each one different from the next nut definitely still pretty.

Some wave shyly and others give a quiet hi. You take in each of them, analyzing their scents and demeanours out of habit. Head tilting to match the voices of hellos to the person. The deep voice coming from the fluffy warm one. Sturdy modulated voice from the tall big one. And the softly spoken sing song voice from the ball of energy. The smaller bright soft one, the concerned confident one and the wholesome wided eyed sparkly one waving to you.

‘They don’t seem all that bad.’ You smile to yourself. The one Jin aid was Jimin steps towards you, in an attempt to interact with you more. However you aren’t ready for that just yet, you take a step back.

“I’m sorry.” Jimin quickly apologizes, smile faltering. Oh, his voice is sweet, angelic even. You shake yourself out of thought to hear him speak. “Would it be better if we give you time to get used to the place first?”

You give him a soft hopeful chirp in response and his smile is immediately back on his face. You stomp your feet excitedly at his smile, he was cute when he smiled, They all were.

“I think it would be best if she sticks with me for now, and when she feels ready she can interact first?” Jin chuckled at your display. You chirped again and nodded your head. You could do that.

“Yea, we can do that. When you’re ready you can come to us Snow.” The sturdy voice comes out again.

‘Namjoon. His name is Namjoon. I can do this.’

And that’s how most of your days went, huddled into Jin. Clinging to him. Leaving the apartment meant he’d make sure to wear things with either hoods or large pockets for you to stay in. The others would talk to you or try to coax you out with food but you stayed with Jin. You wanted to try with them, like you had with Jin. But your insecurities would always make you falter in accepting them.

How did seven pretty men want you? You were so broken, they didn’t even know your story. If they knew they would probably take you back right away. But they didn’t know, how could they know? Unless you told them and you knew you wouldn’t so why couldn't you take that step. Cross the bridge they were waiting so patiently on the other side of you for.

Maybe it could finally be that day.

****

All you wanted to do was nap, you needed to sleep. How could one man be so loud in the middle of the day you would never know.

You slink out of the cracked door, slowly making your way down the hallway to the living room. You can hear the other members around the suite. The youngests were together in what smelt like Hoseok and Jimins room. You weren’t sure where Namjoon was, but you can hear Yoongi talking to himself from the dining table. Walking around the corner you find him surrounded by his laptop, notepads, books and other things you didn’t bother to take in. You had already found your focus.

You could hear faint deep breathing coming from the couch. Fixating on that you shuffle quietly over to it, climbing up the armrest that Yoongi couldn't see. Rounding over it you see Hoseok asleep on his back, arms behind his head, blanket half on him, tv down low. Gingerly you scuttle to him, sniffing the air around him, your mind relaxing.

Today can be the day.

‘Alright sunshine, let’s see how this goes.’ You give yourself one final mental push and climb onto his chest. His deep breathing causes his chest to rise and fall in an almost transic rhythm. Your limbs have stopped shaking enough for you to tuck them under your body along with your tail, relaxing into a ball as you let your mind drift to sleep.

With the smell of lemons and honey surrounding you.

****

“Has anyone seen Snow?” Jin questions as he comes out of his room, into the kitchen area.

“Not since you were last out here. She didn’t stay with you?” Yoongi remarks from the table.

“I was playing games, I think I was a little too loud for her.” He shrugs, it’s not that he’s overly worried where you got to. You wouldn’t have gone far.

He peers around the living room looking for your tiny figure when he sees a napping Hoseok on the couch. He turns to walk back out when he hears the faint sound of your purring. His eyes sparkle as he takes in your spot, smile hurting his cheeks instantly. He wants to cheer, to yell out his excitement. It was finally happening.

Your tiny sleeping body curled up on Hoseok's chest.

When Hoseok finally awoke he felt a light warm patch on his chest. Rubbing his face he looked down to where you were. At first he was shocked, then excited and then terrified to move. He didn’t want you to run from him when you woke up. He wanted you to stay with him, he wanted what Jin had with you.

Eventually your slumber came to an end, body twitching awake you shifted into a stretch. Yawning, you glanced up, eyes connecting with Hoseok’s. You clamber to your feet, and chirp sleepily at him.

‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost Sunshine’

Tottering up his body you bump your head against his chin, in doing so you feel him relax. His scent returned to normal. He let out an airy chuckle before reaching up and scratching you behind your ear. And his wishes were answered when you purred at him.

****

Now that you had gotten over your first hurdle with Hoseok you used every opportunity to nap on him when he was home. Still choosing to sleep in Jin's room in the carrier based on your need for that familiar comfort. But if you were sleepy and Hoseok was home, you’d find him one way or another.

It wasn’t until a couple days later that you noticed a pair of eyes watching you. A soft longing type linger, that you could physically feel on you. Realizing who it came from was easy, it especially happened when you were getting comfy on Hoseok or riding on Jin. Wanting to see that smile again you made a plan.

Jin was in the kitchen getting you some food when you began barking your way down the hallway. Coming to the island, you knew you could climb it. They knew you could climb it. However, today was a new day and this new day meant you didn’t want to climb it.

Jimin was sitting on one of the island bar stools eating his own bowl of food. So Instead of scaling the side like normal you teetered over to him. Swiping your tail over his foot and yapping at him to get his attention.

‘Sparkles! Sparkles! Help me!’

He peeks down the chair leg to you circling him on the stool.

“What’s wrong, Snow? Are you ok?” The concern in his voice makes you worry. Instinctively he gets down on the floor to take a better look at you. Hand outstretching before he has a moment to rethink his actions.

You immediately hop onto his hand, you weren’t going to allow the perfect opportunity to slip by. He jumps a little at how unexpected your reaction is. He stands up cautiously, you in his hand he stares at Jin who has just turned around to see what the commotion was about.

Jin is used to your mischief by now. They weren’t lying when they said you were feisty, and it only made him that more amused with you.

“Looks like you’re one of us now Jimin.” He smirks as Jimin whips his attention back to you as you jump off his hand and glide to the island. Jimin plops back down on his chair, mind still in shock. The concern starts to build again, you march over to him and chirp. It’s enough to break whatever spell he’s under.

“Thank you.” Is all he can manage.

‘You’re welcome Sparkles.’

****

It had just been over a week now since you came to live with the boys. You were still only comfortable with the three members, but you had spent the last day psyching yourself up to approach one of them. You just hadn't decided who yet.

You clambered out of your carrier, gliding down from the cabinet it was perched on, you can hear a door open and feet padding down the hallway. You scoot out to see who it is. A slightly sleepy Taehyung ambles away from you. You quickly pick up the pace to follow behind him, your little legs working overtime to catch up. He makes a turn into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. You pick your hiding spot, and wait for him to come back out. As he does you begin to follow him again.

“Looks like you have a new friend” Yoongi remarks from the kitchen, following you with his eyes.

Taehyung freezes, turning to look down behind him, pure confusion etched on his face. That is until he spots your tininess, a huge smile breaks on his face.

“Good morning Snow” His groggy deep voice begins to soothe you, but you shake yourself out of it by running up to him leaping up onto his pants halfway up his calf and scampering up him. He doesn’t dare to do anything, he knows what this means. It’s finally his turn.

Crawling into his chest shirt pocket you purr at him, his smell of mint and chocolate enveloping you. His smile turns his sharp mature features into ones of childlike excitement.

He turns around to continue on his route “You’re coming with me today.” Your heart warms.

‘Let’s go!’

****

After the first few steps the other became easier and easier.

A couple days after that you find Namjoon near a window in a wicker chair reading a book. Sun beaming down through the glass illuminating his skin, almost making him glow. Unknowingly to him you jump onto the large window sill, soaking up the sun yourself as you settle down, focusing all of your might into your gaze. Attempting to will him into noticing you. You take in his gentle yet strong features, the way his hands hold his book like its something fragile and precious. He gives his members the same look, there’s something about him that you love to just sit and watch. Eventually he does notice you, muffling a chuckle to himself before extending his hand out to pet you. Purring comfortably you curl up in the sun and let yourself be lulled to sleep with the smell of home and touch of home.

At this point they all felt comfortable taking you out of the suite more and more. They had been going through some rehearsals in one of the dance studios. Unfortunately for you Jin had taken his sweater off and your snug little nest wasn’t as nice anymore, with it being on the ground. The only one left was Yoongi and thankfully they weren’t working on choreography, so you hitched a ride off Jin and as soon as he got close enough you lept off his shoulder aiming for Yoongi’s. The shorter male saw your line of sight as your posture changed for you to glide, so he halted mid-step to allow himself to be a safer place to land, papers in hand.

You give him a little chirp and climb directly into his hood, into the nest of amber and vanilla. He doesn’t say anything but he tries to hide a shy smile from the others as he continues reading over his sheets, continuing his pacing.

You couldn’t seem to find a moment to reach out to Jungkook, the shyest of them all gave you the most space. Which was starting to irritate you. So out of frustration one day while he had his door shut, you could hear him in there. You started barking as loud as you could from outside, occasionally scratching at it to emphasize your displeasure. Eventually he opened it and you marched right in, climbing up onto his bed and curling up. He watched with silent bewilderment, but you refused to acknowledge his uncertainty letting him continue on his computer, with you purring away in the background.

****

And that’s how it started. Everyday you went with at least one of them to work. Meeting coworkers and other hybrid pets alike. All were excited to meet you, hearing so much about you from all the members, your confidence started to take off. Along with your confidence the fire that was once inside of you began to spark again.

–

‘Not my fault you don’t use that freakishly big head of yours.’ You grumble, sneering at the man profusely apologizing to Jimin. The unknown man had run right into Jimin, almost completely knocking him over.

The assailant runs away with his head down.

“Pffft” The coworker's hybrid tries to contain his laughter, until he’s out of earshot.

‘Stupid big head. Come near my Jiminie again and I’ll chew holes into your shoes.’ Continuing to mumble to yourself threats upon the males discomfort.

“What's so funny?” Doyun asks.

“Your glider-” He gestures to you on Jimin's shoulder. Struggling to speak between laughter. “She’s a spunky one.”

Jimin stares at him confused, unknowing to him that the other hybrid heard you. You were projected very loudly, you glare at him as Jimin walks away. The hybrid raises his hands up in surrender to you, smiling and waving goodbye.

Your protective nature was showing, one you didn’t think you had anymore. Becoming so aloof, detached and distant from the world was your way of being safe. All the past pain almost felt like a lie. And this warmth, comfort and love being your new truth, one you could rely on. For once life felt worth existing in. Happiness was finally worse, no more worrying……

****

But you spoke too soon.

The boys had taken you to see the vet from the shelter numerous times recently. This uncomfortable dull pain in your stomach makes it impossible for you to want to eat. Only waking for a few hours everyday, spending most of your time in your carrier, not wanting to come out.

Because of this they had to stop taking you with them. You spent 24/7 in the suite, as per the vets orders. Minimal contact with others until they could find out exactly what was happening to you.

The boys had gone out for a long day of work, all saying their farewell assuring you they’ll be back as soon as they can. But they had a 10 hour shoot today, they didn’t want to go but they knew they couldn’t stay. So ample food and water was left out for you, just outside the carrier so you wouldn't have to go far and with that they left.

As soon as they left something felt off. The pain was still there but something mentally felt wrong. Forcing yourself to your feet you fumble your way down and out of Jin's room, finding yourself now in Namjoons room. Sun beaming onto his bed through the curtain crack you struggle to climb up. Your breath coming out short, feeling like it's being cut off. You push past the panic and continue ascending. Feeling the warmth from the sun through your fur, you let your body spread out on its back instead of going into your natural comfort ball.

Dull throbbing pain, your instincts screaming incoherent words at you and your mess of emotions spiral into dizzying lights behind your eyes as you fall unconscious.

****

Your eyes gently flutter open, your mind still warm from the dreams of sunlight. The pain in your body is still there but it feels different somehow but you can't place it. Without dwelling on it too much you roll over onto your stomach, however what you weren’t expecting was to completely roll off the bed.

You let out an audible screech when you collide with the hardwood. Unthinking you let out a pained croaky groan and freeze.

Did you just make that noise? How would you-? IS THAT A HAND?

Springing to your feet, you're hit with a headrush, eyes flying shut. Your hand automatically shoots up to cradle your head, eyes peeling open you can see it. That’s definitely a hand…your hand. It’s almost too good to be true, you're afraid to look down but you still manage to.

“I have 2 legs! I have a body!” You chirp happily, voice coming out slightly harsh from it not being used in years. “I am human! Im-I’m….naked. I am very naked…uhhh…clothes! I need clothes.”

Stumbling on your new shaky legs like a newborn calf you waddle over to namjoons wardrobe. Struggling to open the door, you use your whole body against it, failing to open it. Catching yourself before you almost tumble to the floor.

“Wooow. Ok let's not fall” You chuckle to yourself. Looking around the room you notice a white shirt laid over a chair, stumbling slightly over it you grab it and put it over your head. It's definitely too big for you. A large white t-shirt with some weird pattern on the front. Sleeves covering you to your elbows and length down to your mid thighs. Lifting the collar to your face you inhale deeply Namjoons scent filling your mind, letting out a content sigh, dropping the fabric.

“Right, good enough.” Before you can make a move you hear your stomach grumble loudly.

“Really? Now you're hungry, after worrying everyone NOW you want food” You glare angrily at your stomach, it growling at you in return. “Fine!”

Carefully you make your way out of namjoons room, using whatever furniture and the walls as support. Passing each of the members feeling like something wasn't right, but letting yourself believe it was because you were hungry.

By the time you make it to the kitchen you have full control of your legs, but now find yourself too tired, and the pain is turning into a slow burn, to make anything.

“Please have something made already” You give a silent prayer before opening the fridge. Staring you right in the face is a take out container of leftovers. “Thank you boys!”

Pulling it out, you place it in the microwave to warm it up as quickly as possible. Only letting yourself have a quick moment to try to remember who it was. Being unable to, you chose to give up as the microwave chimes. You carefully take it to the couch with chopsticks in hand. You no longer hesitate to start devouring the food.

Half way through your meal, your body begins to ache again. DIfferent to how it was in animal form. There's an undeniable pain in your senses. Placing the food down on the coffee table.

“What the-Nnnnnn.” A sharp burning hits your body. Your glider instincts are muffled by your prominent human side. As muffled as they are you can still feel them, letting yourself sink into them. Standing abruptly and running to the members rooms, grabbing items from each, sprinting back to the couch. You dump everything onto the couch. Then beginning to place each item meticulously into their perfect spot.

Hoseok's pillow on one side of the couch. Jins RJ stuffy, he keeps on his bed, on the pillow. Yoongi’s comforter over the couch, allowing space near the pillow for you to climb in. Sitting down, slipping your feet into a pair of Jimin's long fuzzy socks. Sliding one leg at a time into Jungkook's grey sweatpants. Finally circling a brown cardigan of Taes around your shoulders, you lay down, pulling the blanket over you, RJ in your arms.

Surrounded by their scents you finally relax. The pain in your senses is now gone, but now replaced by longing to see and hear them. You reach for the remote for the tv, pressing on youtube and a mix playlist of videos of them. Their voices echoing in the once silent room as you fall back asleep.

****

“What the hell?!”

The boys were exhausted coming back, you were on their minds all day. They couldn’t stop worrying about you, not knowing if you were ok or if something happened to you. As silly as it was they agreed to make a stop on the way home to pick up a cell phone for you. You could at least text them since you still weren’t able to shift. It gave them all a sense of comfort knowing they could keep in contact in some way.

Coming home later than planned, they didn't account for finding their stuff all piled onto the couch, tv on and leftovers half eaten. If they weren’t in their right minds they’d think someone broke in. But who would break in just to do this?

Yoongi creeps up to the couch, reaching out to his comforter he can hear faint purring coming from the mound.

“No way-” He whispers just loud enough for them to hear and pulls it down just far enough to expose the pillow with your tiny furry body curled up on Hoseok's pillow.

Someone in the room releases a loud gasp causing you to stir. Eyes opening, blinking multiple times to fight the fog. Pain back to a dull ache you look up and see seven wide, shocked pairs of eyes on you. For a moment you're confused why they would look at you like that, then you remember.

You had been human! You had shifted! 6 years! For the first time in 6 years you had shifted!

Jumping to your feet you are babbling at them excitedly, hopping up and down unable to contain yourself.

“Snow, were you human?” Jin asks in disbelief, you nod at him.

“That's so amazing! You-” Jimin cheers.

“How did you do it?” Taehyung cuts Jimin off from continuing. You let out a huff, head shaking.

You honestly don’t know. One minute you were asleep then the next POOF human.

“You don't know?”

Again, you shake your head. Dejection settles in, annoyed at yourself for being too excited in the moment and not thinking about it properly.

“It’s ok, I’m sure it’ll happen again.” Hoseok tries to cheer you up, scratching your chin as you finally stop bouncing.

“We picked this up for you today,” Yoongi places the phone down in front of you. “Just in case you need to contact us for anything. And we mean anything.”

You want to cry. What did you do to deserve these men? Did it make all the pain worth it? No, nothing could make that pain worth it. However, they helped faze out those memories. You nod your head in thank you. These kind beautiful men were everything.

For the next week, everytime you became human you’d make a note of what you were doing when it happened, what the pain was like before the shift, what your thoughts were, anything that might be helpful. When the boys would come home they’d all go over it too.

Sometimes it would happen for only a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, once or twice a day. You felt useless, how could you not figure this out. Why and how were you shifting, this infuriating broken puzzles sharp edges were cutting deeper in your mind. 6 years of only being a sugar glider, what made now so different? You’ve had ‘homes’ before and you had the shelter, so what was causing this.

The only differences were; you felt safe and comfortable. You had food and clean water. People that loved you. People you loved. Warm rooms to choose where you wanted to nest. Countless places to climb and glide from. And the touch of each of the seven men that cared about you.

And that’s when it hit you……. Or the scent did.

****

“Namjoon!” Your voice breaks, you’re struggling to catch a deep breath. Your hands tremble slightly as the grip on the phone begins to tighten.

“Hello?” He asks cautiously.

“Namjoon, I know this is going to be hard to believe but it's me! Snow.”

“Snow? You’re human again-?”

“Yes and I think I know why. Are you with the others right now?”

“No, I stepped out for a minute.”

“Good. I need to tell you, I just realized I’m going into a pre-heat, but as a human..”

“Really? Why now?”

“One of your scents is triggering it, it’s fogging my mind Namjoon. Everytime I become human my body feels like it's on fire. I can’t breathe here” You don’t want to be annoying, or for them to think that you’re too much to take care of. You finally had a home, a safe home. You couldn't risk losing it by being demanding now that you could become human again.

“I’ll call the shelter after work. I remember reading something about safe heat rooms in the adoption papers. Are you sure you don’t want a partner to help you through it? They also had those as an option.” You know he’s being thoughtful, thinking of your best interest.

You stifle a whimper, choking back a silent sob. The words come out small as you regain your composure. “I don’t want to spend it with anyone else….”

“It’ll be ok Snow.” Thankfully his voice begins sending relief washing through you. “But…. Can I ask which one of us?”

“I’m sorry Namjoon, I really don’t want to say.”

“You know we would help you if you asked. We all love you.”

“I know you all care for me as your pet, I just don’t want anyone to feel bad. This isn’t anyone's fault, just my stupid hybrid instincts.” You grumble. “Maybe next time we can look into a heat partner?”

The words taste like vinegar, the thought of anyone else’s smell making you instantly feel nauseated. But you need to reassure him that you are still an easy pet to care for, even now. Even when you’re not a tiny sugar glider that only cares about sweets and sleeping in their hooded sweaters. Making things harder for them, meant them rethinking things. Things like if they really wanted to keep you or if they’d return you.

“Snow. You don’t have to force yourself. You said it yourself, if it’s one of our scents triggering you-”

“I’ll be fine. I just have to get used to being human again.” You laugh, in hopes of lightening the mood. “Maybe soon I’ll get a handle on it and finally be able to meet you all properly.”

He chuckles into the receiver. As perceptive as he is, he can already hear the twinge in your voice. He makes his way back into the studio where the others are.

“Well I can assure you that we’d all love to meet you in your human form. You’ve given the house warmth again.”

Eyes peer at him from around the room, his conversation catching intrigue.

“Thanks Joonie!” The cutesy nickname bubbling out of your mouth, before you can stop it. Your feet still, smile falling as you cover your mouth in panic. “Namjoon, I mean. I-I’m sorry.”

“You can call me Joonie. It’s ok.” He reassures you, his small soft smile finds its way to his lips unseen by you but very seen by his members.

However reassuring his voice sounds, you're still unsure how to take it. Your silence stretches on, unable to come up with a decent reply.

“Do you think you’ll still be human when we get home?” He changes the subject, offering you a way out. Now everyone was hyper aware of his conversation. Abandoning everything they’re doing, stares ever so blatant.

“I’m not sure. I still haven’t figured out how in these moments I’m changing. I’m not doing anything different either way. I’ll try to think about it more today.” You hum, now absentmindedly.

“Ok, we’ll try not to be late today.”

“Ok. I’ll see you when you get back.” You start chewing on your bottom lip. What if you can’t be human around them? Would they assume you were lying to them, only choosing to be a glider around them. What if they thought you were too useless. Too broken. Weak?

“I’ll see you tonight. And Snow, it’s ok whatever version of you it is.”

He states softly and hangs up. You’re left stunned. Did he mean that? Is it really ok? You really hoped it was because you would be heartbroken if you had to leave them.

****

“Snow?” Jimin bounced excitedly in his chair. “You were talking to Snow? She’s human?”

“Yes, at least for now. She says she still doesn't know what is changing her. But she did let me know something, and I think we all need to talk about it.” He slides a rolling chair towards the couch, taking a seat and gesturing for the others to join him. They all share a worried glance but follow their leader's request.

“Is she ok?” Jin

“Yes and no. We need to call the shelter and ask them if they have a heat room available. Snow’s going into pre-heat, as a human. Which we all know she hasn’t done in a long time.” Namjoon explains slowly, analyzing each reaction. “I think the sooner the better because she’s struggling at home. Apparently one of our scents is triggering it.”

“One of our scents?” Yoongi questions. “Did she say which one?”

“No, she said she doesn’t want any of us to know. She doesn’t want whoever it is to feel bad. And she asked not to have a heat partner. She tried to tell me she could have one for the next time, but she didn’t sound convincing when she mentioned it. From what I’ve been reading, if she’s refusing purely based on one of our scents, then her animal base instincts are signifying one of us as her mate.” He’s nodding slowly, his mind thinking of each outcome to this situation. “Honestly I think the worst part is, she sounds like she’s blaming herself.”

Thoughtful heavy silence hangs in the room. Their poor Snow, the pain she must be going through and she’s thinking of them.

“This isn’t her fault.” Taehyung’s deep voice resonated in the room. They all silently agree, there’s no way this is your fault. It could never be.

Masterlist

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Before I Leave You (Pt.37)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: A collection of moments, snippets in sequence, each that brings you closer. (Or alternatively: you and Jungkook figure out the pack hierarchy, Namjoon finds an alternative means of you submitting other than sex, and Hobi starts to fall in love with you, just a little.)

Pairings: Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin, Beta! Yoongi,

Tags: Dom! Namjoon, sub! m/c, scruffing, negotiations, contracts, biting, handfeeding, talks of anorexia, themes of recovery, recovery through Bdsm rules, hurt/comfort, talks of trans characters + dysphoria, flashbacks, Talks of drugs, consensual drugging, Violence, Blood, implied dollification, a little bit of nonconsensual touching,

W/c: 12.0k

A/n: this part was greatly inspired by Hobipaloza and how adorable and scruffy hobi looked during it. this is probably one of 10 favorite chapters i’ve written- i think it touches on some very important themes of the series. that being said HYEJIN’S PART has the potential to be VERY TRIGGERING so be warned. The line “life is short but also unbearably long” is a paraphrased Jenna marbles quote.

Previous Chapter - Masterlist

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(Title Track: Jungkook)

By the time that you wake from the scene, the pack has come back from the ocean all salt sweet and freckly regardless of Jin’s protests for his poor pups’ cheeks. But the teasing and hassling is all in good fun, their bodies are sun-kissed and relaxed by the cool water, almost languid from sticky sea salt as they drag each other by the pair into a shower. Jin hates the feeling of ocean salt in the nest. 

You woke from the scene feeling all clean and washed down too. Grooming- they tell you. Jin fell into a little bit of a frenzy after you fell asleep. The idea that the pack omega rubbed you down so thoroughly and in such an intimate place, but did it gentle enough that you didn’t wake makes you hot all over. It makes Jin’s hand burn where is presses against the small of your back, herding you towards the kitchen for some snacks when you’re still half asleep. 

The other pups are likewise sleepy, and clingy when it comes to your reappearance. “Ah I wish you would have come with us today we had so much fun” they prattle on about what they did, the funniest moment of the day when Jimin got almost knocked over by a wave how Hobi practically walked for so long that they thought he might have gotten lost. each of them dragging you in for a sniff and a surprised happy noise. You know you smell good without them having to say it- that you smell claimed by the pack alpha and omega. 

Theirs’s truly- for the first time maybe.

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