How To Exist As Me

How to exist as me

How do I exist as an autistic person without feeling guilty,

I know that unlike a lot of people i got the privilege of being diagnosed before becoming an adult but it was really late nonetheless. Even so,

I've not been treated the way any other person would be with autism, having to follow a script penned by neurotypicals all the time is hard and draining I constantly feel like i have no energy to do anything at all after as much as an hour at the store.

I've been told more times that I can count " It's not your fault you have a hart time unmasking "

but I feel as if cant be accepted by my community if i cant unmask,

I know in some part of me that I'm allowed to feel venerable and that I deserve to have people around me that can both see and acknowledge my struggles as a disabled person,

but to be told "your not autistic" because I don't act the way a 10 year old autistic boy does feels so unfair.

I grew up always changing the way acted to be seen and treated as human, so its hard trying to undo all of that.

"learning how to be 'unapologetically' you" Seems imposable, learning how to be my own person, rather than conforming to the behaviors and standards set by people who are simply not like me and don't understand why its so hard.

Growing up with an unaccommodated disability has left a scar in so many ways, and trying to heal isn't easy. I've grown up trying to protect myself from the inherent discrimination shown to me.

I do not "have autism" I don't "suffer from autism"

I'm autistic

Maybe its silly but its this type of treatment is what has sent me into relapses living in a world where nothing is made for you be it my epilepsy, being diabetic but especially being autistic. It feels like nothing is in my control, be it: the way public education is or how inaccessible the 'real world' is.

Not being in control of you body is scary and stressful weather it be because of a seizure, being overstimulated, or feeling like my body is about to shut down because my sugars are low its scary.

Feeling my body shake and not knowing if its because its too hot or if its my blood sugar, its caused me so much mental pain and put me in many depressive episodes of which I blatantly refused to take care of myself as a means of self destruction.

Being able to control something feels helpful, even if that one thing you can control is burring your skin off. Its a form of pain I feel an unhealthy amount of comfort in. Even so getting high until I cant remember where I am is better than being hyper aware of everything around me. The unbelievable amount of trauma I've endured is only adding to the fact.

When the help you need is so inaccessible what am I meant to do, when a system that is meant to help you is built to help you seems to work against you, or has failed you so many time what is it I'm meant to do?

what is there left for me to do?

I've been in a bit of a slump the past few days and it's been pretty hard to get out of bed to do anything. In any case my girlfriend came over and we made banana bread together

Here's my recipe:)

Then suddenly I'm not over it.

Suddenly I'm that same helpless little girl screaming and kicking drunk on the bathroom floor.

Suddenly I'm in the middle of Walmart having a panic attack because I saw him

All because I needed an oil change and just happened to decide to go food shopping while I was out.

Something that felt so far away. Like I was finally healing like it was something I could move on from. Then he's there

Men are fuck stupid.

"he still has a future" but mine didn't matter when I couldn't do any of my work because I was fucking traumatized.

Neex