they/them
62 posts
Star1ight0 - Tala - Tumblr Blog
I've been in a bit of a slump the past few days and it's been pretty hard to get out of bed to do anything. In any case my girlfriend came over and we made banana bread together
Here's my recipe:)
How to exist as me
How do I exist as an autistic person without feeling guilty,
I know that unlike a lot of people i got the privilege of being diagnosed before becoming an adult but it was really late nonetheless. Even so,
I've not been treated the way any other person would be with autism, having to follow a script penned by neurotypicals all the time is hard and draining I constantly feel like i have no energy to do anything at all after as much as an hour at the store.
I've been told more times that I can count " It's not your fault you have a hart time unmasking "
but I feel as if cant be accepted by my community if i cant unmask,
I know in some part of me that I'm allowed to feel venerable and that I deserve to have people around me that can both see and acknowledge my struggles as a disabled person,
but to be told "your not autistic" because I don't act the way a 10 year old autistic boy does feels so unfair.
I grew up always changing the way acted to be seen and treated as human, so its hard trying to undo all of that.
"learning how to be 'unapologetically' you" Seems imposable, learning how to be my own person, rather than conforming to the behaviors and standards set by people who are simply not like me and don't understand why its so hard.
Growing up with an unaccommodated disability has left a scar in so many ways, and trying to heal isn't easy. I've grown up trying to protect myself from the inherent discrimination shown to me.
I do not "have autism" I don't "suffer from autism"
I'm autistic
Maybe its silly but its this type of treatment is what has sent me into relapses living in a world where nothing is made for you be it my epilepsy, being diabetic but especially being autistic. It feels like nothing is in my control, be it: the way public education is or how inaccessible the 'real world' is.
Not being in control of you body is scary and stressful weather it be because of a seizure, being overstimulated, or feeling like my body is about to shut down because my sugars are low its scary.
Feeling my body shake and not knowing if its because its too hot or if its my blood sugar, its caused me so much mental pain and put me in many depressive episodes of which I blatantly refused to take care of myself as a means of self destruction.
Being able to control something feels helpful, even if that one thing you can control is burring your skin off. Its a form of pain I feel an unhealthy amount of comfort in. Even so getting high until I cant remember where I am is better than being hyper aware of everything around me. The unbelievable amount of trauma I've endured is only adding to the fact.
When the help you need is so inaccessible what am I meant to do, when a system that is meant to help you is built to help you seems to work against you, or has failed you so many time what is it I'm meant to do?
what is there left for me to do?
Crying over the representation you get in a book is crazy...
Epilepsy Rep for the win
Id love you like no one else is an option. I'd wait for you to come back. I'd sit at your grave and still wait for you to come back. Because I love you. Give my heart back. Please. Give it back so I can move on. Please Vera I beg of you. Give me my heart back so I can learn to live without you. Give me back the rest of my happiness. Give me back my freedom. Give me back all the love I had for you. Give it all back. Please.
Talking about my chronic illness around non chronically ill people:
"Oh, you know, just the usual"
Updates from my chronically ill friends:
"Yeah, so I've barely been able to leave my bed for the past week and I'm in a ton of pain and I keep throwing up, how bout you?"
"till the light leaves my eyes"
Because I have to keep you alive through me. I have to live enough for the both of us. I have to keep you alive because If i forget. If I lose what love I have left for you why am I even here? I'll love you til the day I die because you loved me so much and died anyways. So I'll stay. I'll stay live as long as I can. But I can't love anyone else but you.
From that one twt post
Katsuki Bakugou x Reader "Not any different"
Tw for SH and scars
Requests are open
You got off of work early and thought it'd be a good idea to order out for dinner and clean whilst you had the chance. Your job as a healer keeps you busy and your quirk: garden allows you to grow plants from the earth and your body and you mainly used to grow plants to help heal wounds.
Katsuki would come home wounded and refused help from anyone but you. Today however he seemed more needy and touchy. This happened when he was stressed and overwhelmed so you didn't mind this vulnerable and needy side of him.
He placed a kiss on your forehead and wrapped his arms around you kissing your neck and pulling you into him
" Hello to you do Katsuki"
"sorry, hi "
" It's fine something on your mind?"
"no just you"
He trail kisses down your neck sliding his hands up from underneath your shirt pulling it off and kissing you more pushing you onto the couch. "Fuck love, you make me feel so, . Calm, I hate it" he says kissing you and leaving a small hickey on your chest slowly moving downward. You let out a small gasp and wrapped your arms around him feeling him move closer.
He makes his way down kissing you and praising you for every noise you make. As he meets you waistline slowly pulling your pants off you push him off. "Wait, stop, just -" you stop, trying to catch your breath
"Hey, you okay? Was I .. moving too fast or.."
He says looking up at you
"No it's not you it's just that i- " you stop yourself looking down at the scars on your thighs made from thorn vines. He follows your eyes seeing the scars then looking back up at you.
Hey, did someone do this do you.
No katsuki It was me, so just stop and let me get dressed.. please.
You pull away putting your shirt back on and just as you try to walk away katsuki wraps his hands around your wrist.
"I can't.. heal you like you heal me. But I can help. I might not know how to comfort you directly but I can listen. I can hold you. So stop being so damn stubborn and help me help you damnit. "
You look over at him eyes wide but grateful.
Do you want to talk about this.?
No not really. . Not tonight at least.
You say leaning into his touch
HEY HEY HEY!! my Tumblr is being strange on my phone so I'm using my laptop. Ben a little burnt out recently but Im getting there. Requests are open
There are people and places to go to if you want to seek professional help please remember that
Then suddenly I'm not over it.
Suddenly I'm that same helpless little girl screaming and kicking drunk on the bathroom floor.
Suddenly I'm in the middle of Walmart having a panic attack because I saw him
All because I needed an oil change and just happened to decide to go food shopping while I was out.
Something that felt so far away. Like I was finally healing like it was something I could move on from. Then he's there
Men are fuck stupid.
"he still has a future" but mine didn't matter when I couldn't do any of my work because I was fucking traumatized.
Wrote a whole fic then my phone died and I lost it
Killing myself
I'm BACKKKK
Only 4 more tests then expect hella fics
No power in this part of Texas so expect a fic Abt it
Hello gays is this anything ?
Neex
EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME?!?!?
The painting broo...the painting..guys
The Lorax?
If I squint my eyes real hard this didn't take me over 5 months to write
By far one of my better book spends
Me and my flute against the world
Katsuki Bakugou x Reader "Let me, you idiot"
Time: 11:22pm and I have a fever of 100.4 so I'm writing. If you are sick, rest, eat light, drink water, teme meds if you can! Always prioritize your health!! Requests are open
Slight trigger warning for: passing out
You woke up feeling like you had been hit by a bus and your phone buzzing on the pillow next to you. 2 miss calls and 4 text. From katsuki and 5 from your mom.
You called back your mom first only to be greeted by screaming asking why you weren't checked into school yet. Before you even thought of anything to say to here you felt a wave come over you lean down throwing up in the trash can next to your bed. you lean back over hanging up without saying a word to your mom. And text Katsuki you'd be late and you just overslept.
It was probably just you overusing your quirk again right? It had to be.
After a few painful minutes of getting ready, you walk into class not even bothering to apologize just slumming down into your slumming desk and placing your head down. Luckily for you your teacher was also late per usual. You hear Iida attempting to lecture you but before you could process anything your mind went blank as you put your head down on the desk.
You wake up to a hand lightly shaking you. Picking your head up, rubbing your eyes you see Katsuki "Damn you look like shit. Are you sure you should be here? " You roll your eyes standing up, feeling a wave of dizziness you grab the table for balance, holding yourself upright until it leaves. "Woah the hell happened" you look over at him saying nothing grabbing his hand and walk to you next class.
Training came around and the soup you had for lunch seemed to help a bit but you still felt shitty and like it was only getting worse. Pushing through you walked up to Katsuki pulling on his shirt feeling your body become unsteady.
He turns around seeing your unsteady form and grabs your shoulders. You feel your eyes get heavy and faintly hear the sound of Katsuki urging you to keep your eyes open.
When you wake up you are in Recovery Girls office with a towel over your forehead and your boyfriend on his phone next to you. "Katsu?" You mumble attempting to get up but ultimately laying back down because of the headache. "Dummy, you shouldn't have come if you felt this bad" you look up at him seeing the worry plastered around his face. "I thought it was gonna go away" you say shifting towards him. "Well it didn't and it got worse. You're going back to the dorms to rest idiot." Before you can protest he's picking you up and carrying you out of the room "katsu- put me down!" You say squirming around "absolutely not you'll fall over because of how weak your body is"
When you get back to the dorms and into your room Katsuki places you down on the bed leaving the room for a few minutes. When he returns he has a tray with a cup of medicine bowl and vitamin water. "Eat as much as you can but take all the medicine brat. " He says folding his arms looking away. You can still see a bit of worry on his face.
"Sorry if I.. Scared you. Kat"
"it's whatever just take care of yourself idiot.
This was shorter than I wanted but I had an idea and decided to finish this before starting another one!
