Okay Can You Imagine Flying To Shenzhen With Jun For The First Time? He'd Be So Excited To Show You His

okay can you imagine flying to shenzhen with jun for the first time? he'd be so excited to show you his hometown that he wouldn't be able to sleep on the flight so he'd have his arms wrapped around you and be planting light kisses into your hair as you slept on his shoulder

i’m not gonna lie this made me cry,,he’d be literally bouncing all the way to the airport,,he’d be pulling up all the places he wanted to take you on his phone and he’d be scrolling through all the restaurants that he loved and wanted to show you,,he’d be so excited as you got on the plane,he’d be holding your bag for you as he lead you to your seats towards the back of the plane,,,you’d never seen him so excited,he’d have this permanent smile on his face as he told you about all the people he was going to introduce you too,,he’d notice you were sleepy and he’d throw his arm around you so that you could sleep on his chest,,he’d be watching you as you nuzzled into him and he’d be dipping down to press kisses to your hair,,he’d be smiling into your hair just so happy that he could take the love of his life back to his hometown,,

jeonghan is for the girlies whose burdens are never accounted enough, who are abandoned by their siblings, whose loud cries are never heard, to whom healing is never an option, who loves the sky but hates thinking themselves fly, who always carry a keychain as a friend, who always stepped themselves behind thinking they are not worthy, who are scared to go outside with their father, who are tired of keeping themselves busy to cope.

WAYS WE CAN HELP PALESTINE:

as of 9am today, 8131 palestinians were killed, 20438 are injured and 1.4 million have been displaced. it’s important for all of us to help palestine in as many ways as we can.

i also cannot stress how much just spreading awareness in general can help. staying silent because of your discomfort is not an excuse to sit by while a genocide takes place. when we learn about these events in history we often think “how was this allowed to happen?” but that’s exactly what’s happening now and it’s our responsibility to not sit by and let an entire country be wiped out. i will continue adding more ways to help to this post and i’d really appreciate it if anyone can spread this as much as possible.

it’s important to get educated on everything going on in palestine right now, here are some sources that could help!

decolonize palestine - made by two palestinians, answers a lot of questions regarding everything right now (including debunking a lot of myths from biased news stations) and provides a lot of historical context.

list of documentaries to watch if you want to gain further knowledge

list of accounts to follow on twitter that can also provide information

linktree with information

you can also donate to organisations! even if you can’t donate tons of money, you can help by spreading these links so others can also try to donate!

red crescent

PCRF

MAP

doctors w/o borders

palestinian social fund

palestinian in pain launch good

this website is free and uses ad revenue for donations, all you need to do is click it once daily!

some more places you can donate to and some more

boycotting will also help!! also some of the kpop idols we stan have brand deals with ones that support 🇮🇱 so please let’s not interact with their posts with those brands

list from BDS of companies to boycott

signing petitions!

write to representatives and demand they retract their support of 🇮🇱

ways to contact local governments about helping palestine

if you’re in the uk here’s a link to contact your local MP

change org ceasefire petition

Text "CEASEFIRE" to 51905 if you live in America. The link provided leads you to a page to sign and call for a ceasefire once the goal is met. They are so close to meeting its goal!!

here's a link that lets you send a letter directly to your state representatives

here are some threads that will also give you ways to help.

thread of things we can do to help palestine

HOW TO HELP PALESTINE!! resources and links to other threads on how to donate and spread awareness of what's happening in palestine currently!!! a thread 🧵

here’s what we know, and links to donate to help aid palestinians, a thread:

Here is a list of list of resources and people you can follow to educate yourself on what’s going on in Palestine RIGHT NOW🇵🇸

Ways US, Canada, and UK residents can reach out to their state representatives and MPs to call for ceasefire in Gaza:

if there are any more sources that you would like me to add pls send me an ask or dm me !!

Daddy issues

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: A simple phone call from your father and Chan's added anger makes you mentally crumble.

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 7.3K

Trigger warning: Parental issues, (specifically daddy issues) emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse, a bit of an unhealthy romantic relationship, anger, self-hatred, blood, self-harm, mentions and attempt of suicide via razor blade, and a panic attack.

A/N: Even without the request, I feel like this has been a long time coming. Please heed the trigger warnings. Please. Shout out to all the baddies out there with parental issues. Shout out to all the Chan stans with daddy issues. You're so strong, keep going, I believe in all of you <3

Requestee, I hope this leaves you satisfied. I don't think you ever said you were struggling, but just by this, it seems you are. I hope this helps you cope with whatever struggles you either have had or currently are facing in life.

I did change a few things around to fit the story more, but most of it's the same. I think I got everything you wanted in there, besides those few minor changes. I also experimented with time jumps which is new, but I think they were needed for this one. This is a long one, so buckle up and please enjoy!! <3

_ _ _

The words are thrown around without much thought. Daddy issues this and mommy issues that. People wear them like a badge of honor. Always seeking out other people that can fill the gaps that their parents left behind. Searching for temporary band-aids to cover wounds that need stitches to heal. 

Everyone wants to be perfect. Nobody wants to admit that the people who were supposed to love them the most fucked them up the worst. Nobody ever wants to admit that their nurture was ripped away before they ever got it. Cruelty swaddled them instead of sweetness. Neglect and despair instead of encouragement and understanding. Some people were doomed from the start. 

At twenty-two years old, you understood that your daddy issues were a noose around your neck, they were always there. A poking twine that pressed against your windpipe and jugular. All it took was a few words and the noose tightened. It was suffocating, it was restricting, and it was paralyzing. 

There was a devil and an angel on each shoulder. One was angry and smoldering. Smoke bellowed out of its ears and it was always ready to snap. The other was an angel, sweet and soft-spoken, constantly reassuring you that you had it better than most. Of course you did because, at least, you had a dad, right? 

Any dysfunctional relationship could cause a rocky conscience. You swore you were doomed from the start. You’d never fall in love. Nobody would be able to care about you in the way you wanted them to. At least, it was like that until Bang Chan. 

When Chan came into your life, you fell hard. You didn’t get a chance to stand before your knees were jerked out beneath you. He was strong, he was charming, he was dominating, and he was everything you wanted him to be. 

Being older meant he had more wisdom and more life experience. He was soaked with the knowledge that you craved. He understood you, he got you, and heading towards his later twenties, he was hesitant when you showed up. While you turned twenty-five, he’d be thirty. 

You didn’t let that stop you from wowing him. From caring about him with every fiber of your being, you would have given up everything to appease him and more. Hell, if he experienced organ failure, you’d cut yourself open without a second thought and rip it from your insides with a smile on your face. You were down bad, but your issues were still there. 

You were aware of them when you seeked out his validation. When you kept asking if he was sure he still loved you. You couldn’t shake everything that your father had ingrained in you, but you were still so desperate to fill that void. 

Some would say it’s weird, but you would say that you needed him to survive. You needed him. He was the air in your lungs and the familiar thump of your heart. You needed him as much as plants needed the sun. Like the Earth needed the moon and like bees needed pollen. You called it destiny whereas a few of your family members called it desperation, but they didn’t understand it. They just…didn’t get it. They had no idea what you had been through. They didn’t understand the gaping wounds that had yet to be stapled, but Chan got it instantly. 

He realized it after you swayed the conversation in another direction at the mention of your family. He knew it when fathers were brought up and the hurt flashed across your eyes. He knew it when you clung to him like a koala with fear and asked for clarification on his thoughts about you. 

You were damaged and he knew that. He didn’t mind because everyone had their issues and besides, at the end of the day, he still loved you as you were. He was thrilled to wrap his arms around you when you curled around him and point out everything he loves about you. 

From the squish of your soft cheeks, the curve of your nose, the shade of your eyes, and the way you dress, he loved it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he gave the relationship his all; you both did. No matter how much the guys joked that he was a silver fox, he always rolled his eyes and shook off their comments. They were just joking and he knew that deep down, the guys cared about you too. 

He knew a lot about you, but he didn’t realize just how much these issues bothered you. He didn’t realize that you were nearly suffocating yourself. Out of all the things he knew, he had no idea how much you silently suffered until you snapped. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The day started a lot like any other day. You went to work and by the time you finished, you found a text message from Chan announcing that he’d be at the studio later tonight. It was one of those days where the creative juices were overflowing and he wanted to get everything worked out before he forgot. 

You didn’t mind it and started to head home, but then you thought about the dimpled smile and sparkly eyes of Chan. God, you were utterly smitten. With a quick change of direction, you found yourself heading towards the JYP studio instead of your apartment. 

Give or take twenty minutes and you were walking into your second home. The JYP building truly has become your home away from home. You came here a lot to support Chan and the guys. It was strange having an extra person along, but eventually, they grew used to your antics. 

The guys accepted you with open arms and when you came around, they got excited. Sometimes you brought presents, like cookies. Other times, just your brief distraction sidetracked them from their ongoing issues. That temporary change of direction helped them sort out their issues quicker. 

You checked in at the front desk and pulled on your guest badge. It was a new system that the company had been doing after a sasaeng had managed to gain access to the building. If you were found roaming the halls without a pass or a security badge, you were instantly booted unless you could properly explain yourself. 

You tugged the lanyard over your head and practically skipped to the studio room. Upon knocking, the door opened to reveal Changbin. A grin pressed his cheeks up into points. “Hi!” 

“Hey,” you returned the smile, “is Ch-” 

He jerked the door open wider to reveal Chan in the background. Chan was directing whoever was in the booth. You picked up Felix’s deep voice in the background. Chan was sitting in a hoodie and a pair of navy blue basketball shorts. He bobbed his head along to the voice. 

“You can come in, just try to keep it down because we’re rec-” 

“You’ve got it.” 

He opened the wooden door wider and you stepped inside. In the booth, headphones were over Felix’s ears. His messy blonde hair had been pushed around by the band connecting the ear covers. 

His eyes focused on the lyrics as he sang. You slung your bag to the side and smiled as you saw Jeongin sitting on the opposite side of the couch. The two of you exchanged a wave and you quietly came to sit beside him on the opposite side. 

Changbin snuck back into the chair beside Chan and Felix continued to sing. After a few more seconds, Felix’s voice cracked and he stopped singing. “Fuck!” He cried out. 

“I don’t ever recall that being part of the song,” Jeongin mumbled. 

“Yeah, what Innie said,” Changbin agreed. 

Chan stopped the recording with a sigh. He pressed a button, so Felix could hear him in the booth. “Felix, is something wrong today? This is the fourth time your voice has cracked. Do you need us to change the lyrics or-” 

“No! No! No! Of course, I don’t need you to change the lyrics! It’s just the pitch of the song. It’s so high and I’m really trying my best here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it or not and oh-” His eyes brightened when he saw you. “When did you get here?” 

Chan shifted in his seat and blinked when he saw you behind him. You smiled softly at him. “Hi, baby.” 

“What are you doing here? I told you that I’d be home late.” 

“I know, but I just wanted to see you.” 

“I’m busy.” 

“I’m fully aware. I have no intention of stopping you from working. I’ll sit here silently without a peep. You won’t even know I’m here.” 

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled beneath his breath. 

Felix and Changbin both shot him a glare. Changbin’s fingers jabbed into Chan’s side. Chan was worked up and stressed because Felix wasn’t getting this part of the song. It wasn’t just Felix that had struggled, everyone was struggling. 

Chan had created the instrumentals of this song and thought it’d be a home run, but he hadn’t considered how much the pitch would be a struggle for some of the guys. He was frustrated because if they couldn’t reach the right note, the song would have to be scrapped and he was distracted by other songs he wanted to work on. 

Seungmin’s silky and strong vocals weren’t the same as Felix’s deeper tone. Han’s wide range of vocals wasn’t the exact same as what Minho was comfortable with. Songs could be challenging and this seemed to be the biggest challenge yet.

Luckily for you, you hadn’t heard Chan’s mumble because your phone vibrated in your hands. You swiped the screen before thinking and held the phone up to your ear. “Hello?” 

When Chan rolled his eyes, Changbin slapped him in the back of the head. “What is your issue today?” He whispered. “Knock it off and stop being an asshole.” 

“We’re busy and-” 

“So tell them to leave and don’t be an asshole about it.” 

“Easy for you to say, you don’t have a significant other always up your ass.” 

“You're the world’s biggest asshole right now and unless you want to lose them, I’d drop the attitude. Just because you’re frustrated, it doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. Use your words, you’re supposed to be the oldest in the room, so act like it.” 

“Oh, so you’re finally picking up the phone this time?” 

Your father’s voice in your ear caused your heart to sink to your stomach. The blood in your veins turned to ice. You shut your eyes before responding. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy recently and I-” 

“Busy my ass. You can text your mother, but not me? I was the one who created you and you still can’t be grateful for that. Without me, you’d be nothing.” 

“I’ve been texting the family group chat and I-” 

“You know damn well that I don’t give a shit about no family group chat!” 

You winced and pushed yourself up. Jeongin stared at you with a raised eyebrow. When you noticed, you flashed him a smile and held up a finger to let him know that you’d only be a minute. Before anyone could say anything, you disappeared outside the room and into the empty hallway. 

“What do you want?” 

“Is it a crime to want to know how my child is doing?” 

Your stomach twisted into thoughts as your father scoffed. A frown appeared on your face and, even though he couldn’t see you, you shook your head. 

“I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to find time to talk when we’re on different time zones and-” 

“Bullshit! You’re an ungrateful piece of shit! I gave you this goddamn life and you can’t even come visit! I have to find out from Google that you’re dating an idol! What have you told him? Why won’t he come visit?” 

“Nothing!” Your voice squeaked in shock. “I haven’t told him anything, he’s just so busy. He’s in a band and we-” 

“Then bring him down here, so your mother and I can meet him! What happened to respecting your parents? I didn’t even give you permission to date him!” 

As his voice raised louder, you tugged the phone away from your ear. A lump began to form in your throat as curse words were thrown your way. You shut your eyes and waited for him to calm down. Your hands were shaking as you mumbled into the phone. 

“I think I’m losing reception, I’ll call you back in a while.” 

“Don’t you fucking hang up on m-” 

The click ended his words before he got out the sentence. All at once, the weight of everything fell on top of you. Insult after insult wormed deeper and deeper into your brain. You wanted, you needed, to speak to Chan. You weren’t strong enough to deal with this on your own yet. 

You shoved your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and pushed the door open. Felix was singing again and your fingers curled into your palms. “Chan?” Your voice came out hoarse. “Can we talk for a moment?” 

The sound of your voice caused Jeongin to look up with a face full of worry. Even Changbin glanced behind his shoulder to check on you. When Felix caught Changbin’s head turning, he looked up to find you rapidly blinking back tears. His singing stopped and Chan’s fist flew into the desk. 

The rattling of the desk shook your soul. It started everyone, but you the most. Suddenly, you were five years old again in the back of your father’s van. You were weak and vulnerable. Defenseless, there was nothing you could do as your father’s wrath expanded along the four locked doors. 

You sucked it in and you couldn’t breathe. Your heart hammered in your chest, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing you could do. You were five and yet the anger of a thousand angry men was cast at you. 

It vibrated the marrow in your bones. The strands of your heart strings curled inward. Your childlike curiosity shattered in the backseat. Stay quiet, don’t utter a word, just take the yelling. Like a deer in headlights, you were trapped. 

It funneled down your throat and created a lump. Crocodile tears appeared in your eyes. You sniffled and your bottom lip shook, you were alone once more. Alone in the thunder and anguish; the swirl of one man’s anger. 

A flower in the middle of a tornado. Thrown, chucked, depetaled. Ripped from the stem and crushed between the winds. At the end, you were ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Not even the thorns of your own stem could save you. 

“Goddammit! Why can’t you just go home? I’m trying to work here and you’re ruining it! I don’t have time for you right now! Go home and I’ll deal with your bullshit later. This is my career we’re talking about!” 

The song’s soft instrumentals faded in the background as the song ended. You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks. It stung more than you ever would have imagined. The words were a sharp sting to your cheek. The noose of daddy issues choked you again and you couldn’t breathe. 

“See you later,” you mumbled as you tipped your head down and rushed towards the door. You pawed at your tears and rushed into the hall and down the corridor to head home. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Changbin snapped. 

“We’re working!” 

“And they were crying! If you would have taken five seconds to look behind you, you would have-” 

“Don’t try to guilt trip me! It’s bullshit! I probably hurt their feelings. Whatever. We have work to do. I’ll apologize later.” 

While the two bickered, Jeongin stepped up and disappeared out the door to try and find you. Whatever you were struggling with, it hadn’t been good. Chan’s outburst had only made it worse and he knew that. He saw the terror in your eyes when the other person responded on the opposite end of the phone.

Felix looked from Chan’s angry face to Changbin’s scowl. When he caught Jeongin rushing out the door after you, his confusion only grew. “What’s happening?” He asked into the microphone. 

Chan slammed his hand down on the button, so Felix could hear him. “Don’t worry about it. Get out of the booth, we’re going to take five.” 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

As you walked home in the whipping wind, your hair tangled around your head. It blocked your vision and the gray skies added to your warped reality. It felt like everyone and everything was against you. 

That was the one fatal flaw with humans. When we enter a dark mindset, it’s the only thing we think about. The only thing we feel is the harsh and back-breaking weight of the world on our shoulders. The clouds close in and all feels lost as the rain pours down. 

You walked quickly with your head down. Keeping to the sidewalks, you were nearly running. You were moving so fast that by the time Jeongin made his way outside the studio, you were already halfway down the road. He wanted to talk to you, but he didn’t want to frighten you. He kept his pace brisk, but he didn’t run. 

He loved Chan for a wide variety of reasons, but he couldn’t believe he had just snapped at you like that. Of course, Chan was angry when he was mad, but this wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. 

You sniffled and kept rushing as the wind cupped your ears. You were hollow on the inside. That faint flicker of light inside you had been kept going by Chan. It wasn’t the best idea to depend on one person to make you happy, but you didn’t know what else to do. 

Your biggest fear has finally come true, everyone hates you. Maybe not to your face, but you can feel it. The bitter hatred that’s so vitriol, it’s rancid. A hatred that’s thicker than oil and stickier than jam. 

You were looking at assumptions, not facts, but your brain was set in stone. No one would be able to save you now. You had fallen far from grace. Your issues had poisoned you from the start. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t meant for any of this life. 

Perhaps, you would take a chance and try again in the next. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When Jeongin knocked, you didn’t respond. He shoved the hair out of his face and tried again. When you didn’t respond to the softer knocks, he knocked harder. When you didn’t respond to that, he held his breath and turned the knob to your apartment. 

Breaking and entering wasn’t something he would have liked to go to jail for, but could you blame him? He knew you were hurting and he couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone and sobbing. 

Chan’s words to you had been far too cruel. Sure he was angry, but anyone in the right state of mind would have realized that something was terribly wrong with you. It was a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t shake. 

His brain was screaming at him to leave as he silently ventured further into the apartment. One step into the hall and then another. He didn’t bother with the common courtesy of kicking off his shoes. 

The place smelled like sweet citrus. It was a familiar scent that had belonged to you since he had known you. Once upon a time, Chan marveled at how much you adored citrus. If only he would have been here now. 

The carpeted hall felt too silent. The living room was too empty as he stepped out into it. Bookshelves filled with books, a coffee table with the TV remote, photographs of Chan and the rest of the band on the back wall. Your friends were your everything and so was Chan. 

Where were the photos of your family, he wondered. It was such a simple thought, but it flew by just as quick. Your presence was here, but yet you weren’t. Where were you at? 

He softly called your name and stepped by the coffee table. The bar table in the kitchen had been left abandoned. The hum of the fridge caused his heart to strum faster. There was an eeriness that he just couldn’t shake. 

Every fiber of his being was wound up. Loose floorboards creaked beneath his feet. He was sure that he had seen you enter your apartment. From a distance, he watched your figure fumble for house keys and stumble inside. Your hands brushed past your face and he was positive you were wiping away the tears that kept blurring your vision. 

He called your name a little louder, but there was no response. His mouth dipped into a frown and he uttered your name again when a faint whimper caught him off guard. His spine stood erected as he waited for another sound, but it never came. 

As he approached the room it came from, he was prepared for sobs. He was prepared for tears. He was prepared for the anguish that came with it, but he wasn’t expecting the bright red that began to seep beneath the bathroom door. 

His heart stopped and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense. The circuit of his brain had stumbled across a trip. Something cut out and his brain whirled trying to reboot. 

A scream ripped from his lungs as he rushed towards the bathroom and there you were. You didn’t stop. You didn’t even care or notice that he was there. 

Full of self-hatred, you were cutting, no. You were sawing it out of you bit by bit. They don’t tell you that when you hate yourself, there is no pain in self-harm. It’s a dangerous sweet release. The stinging and burning sensation fills you with a sense of euphoric triumph. Self-mutilation feels like bliss and the cold blade in your hand feels like a friend. In some twisted way, it can be the best thing you ever feel. 

There was blood everywhere. It dripped from the slices in your wrist. It saturated your clothes and it was all over the bathroom floor. Maybe you tripped and fell. Maybe you were set on killing yourself. Maybe you just snapped. 

Human skin is so thin that it can easily be penetrated by a single piece of paper. So small, so little, and yet the fiery ache of pain is felt everywhere all at once. You couldn’t feel the fire in your arm. Gone into shock, your body had blocked you from feeling anything. 

You weren’t even aware of Jeongin’s presence until he grabbed your arm. Your bloodshot eyes were watery as they met his concerned russet ones. “Please, stop,” he whispered. 

With a snarl, you jerked your arm away from him. You started to scream and lash out. He grabbed your hand and pinned you down again. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” You yelled. 

“Please, please, please stop.” His voice wavered. He was terrified for you and he didn’t want to make it worse. He knew how much Chan’s yelling earlier upset you. He didn’t want to trigger you further. 

“Leave me alone!” Your shrill voice cracked from desperation. “Get off! Let go!” 

“No!” 

You swiped the blade down with your hand, nearly cutting him in the process. Your head bucked as you tried to free yourself. He ducked his head with a yelp. 

He shoved your bleeding body back onto the floor. Your free hand flew up, in an attempt to stop yourself, but it didn’t work. Your brain rattled around your skull as you were blinded by the sudden pain of it all. 

Jeongin panicked as he desperately used the code word to activate the voice command on his phone. When you heard “call Bang Chan,” you lost it even more. 

“Stop it!” He begged as you squirmed again. Your hands flailed and you yelled back. 

Back and forth back and forth, you refused to let go of the blade. You gripped it so hard that you didn’t care that the sharpened blade cut into your opposite palm. You were fighting tooth and nail to keep a tight grip on it. You weren’t going to let go. Not even Jeongin, one of your closest friends, could save you from the demons in your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

In the studio, Chan was ready to slam his head into the wall himself. Changbin was non-stop lecturing him and once Felix found out, Felix was also up his ass. Nobody seemed to understand that they had a job to do. 

When his phone rang, he used it as an excuse to leave the pair angrily grumbling to themselves. He stepped out the studio door, just as you had. He let out a sigh before he swiped and answered the call. “What do you want, Innie?” 

A thump responded along with a yell. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I.N? What are you-” 

“Put it down! Put the blade down! Stop it!” 

His heart suddenly turned to ice. “I.N?” He whispered. “What is hap-” The response that you gave nearly dropped him to his knees. 

“No one cares! Just let me die!” 

He suddenly felt like he was about to projectile vomit. His stomach churned and twisted and the world felt a little blurry. “What is happening?” He raised his voice and began to yell at the phone. “Jeongin?” 

“Alexa, speaker phone!” Jeongin cried out. “Chan, I can’t stop them! Please! I need you! I don’t know what to do! They won’t stop hurting themselves!” 

The world stopped tilting on its axis. The seconds froze in time. His breath caught in the echo-chamber of his lungs. “No,” he whispered. Tears pricked in his eyes and he suddenly rushed down the hall. 

“Don’t let them die! Do you hear me, Innie? Don’t let them die!” 

He flew out of the JYP building like a bat out of hell. He clutched his phone, now on its own speaker phone. This path that he used to practically skip after work because he was so excited to see you. Now it could potentially be the path to your corpse. 

“Fuck!” He cried out as the struggle continued on the other end of the phone. 

“C-Chan?” You croaked weakly. “I don’t wanna do it anymore. I-I can’t.” 

Guilt swallowed him whole. He could barely breathe as he ran. “Baby? Baby, can you hear me? It’s okay. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?” 

“You hate me.” 

“I could never hate you. I took it out on you earlier and I’m sorry.” His head jerked as he made sure he was pursuing the correct street. His footsteps thudded on the pavement. 

“Listen to me, I need you to drop the blade. Can you do that to me? Listen to Innie and drop the blade. I’m coming, okay? I’m nearly there, just listen to my voice.” 

To Jeongin’s relief and Chan’s surprise, there was a soft clatter as you released the blade from your hand. You were exhausted after fighting with Jeongin and the blood was starting to become tacky against your skin. 

You hated the murky feeling that it left behind. Every movement of your wounded palm oozed more blood. Jeongin panted over your body. Your arms were pinned to your sides as he straddled you. 

His own body was painted in your blood. Bright red handprints smeared across his white shirt. His light pair of blue jeans seeped it up like a sponge. There were even fingerprints staining his cheek from where you had swiped your hand at him. 

“I’m almost there, I’m coming to the house right now. Where are you? What room?” 

“Bathroom!” 

Chan burst through the door and into the bathroom. His heart dropped when he found you pinned and nearly half unconscious. Blood was all over the floor. It was smeared against the bathroom cabinets and the tub. 

Jeongin never took his eyes off you. He was too afraid that you’d find the blade again and do something worse. Chan ended the call and stepped over the puddle of blood leading into the bathroom. 

He softly called your name and stepped beside you. Your eyes weakly met his. He felt like he was going to burst into tears. His knees buckled and he sank down beside you. He didn’t waste time grabbing a wet rag and shifting beside Jeongin. 

“Innie, I’ve got it from here, go call an ambulance.” 

Jeongin hesitated, but finally nodded and stepped out of the bathroom. Before he left, he kicked off his shoes, so he didn’t trample blood into the rest of the house. 

The realization of your situation sent shocks of electricity buzzing through your skull. “Fuck,” you muttered. Tears began to build up in your eyes and they trickled down your face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-” 

“Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Just try to save your strength, okay?” 

“I didn’t mean to,” your voice came out shrill. 

“I know, it’s okay.” 

“No, it’s not.” 

The lining of your lungs seemed to thicken as you struggled to breathe in. You squeezed your eyes shut, but it felt like breathing through a straw. Your brain had expanded with every wrong thought and now you were suffering. 

“Baby?” Chan whispered. He leaned forward closer to you and placed his hand over the razor blade, so you couldn’t see it. “What happened? What’s going on?” 

“Can’t breathe.” 

“Panic attack?” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” 

“M-my dad,” your voice wavered. “I can’t-” 

“You don’t have to talk.” 

“Not a good relationship.” 

“Is that who called you earlier?” His eyebrows furrowed with worry. “I assumed, but I didn’t know for sure.” He reached down and pushed a bit of hair from your face. 

“He’s not good. H-he yells a-and-” You hiccuped, “abusive.” 

“Oh, honey…I didn’t know. I-I was just so frustrated earlier, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean to upset you and I-” 

“I don’t feel good,” your eyes drooped further. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby, listen to me!” Not caring about the blood, Chan cupped your face. “Don’t you dare give up! Stay with me!” 

The last thing you heard were his desperate pleas as your eyes rolled back into your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When you finally came back home from the hospital, Chan forbade you from going to your apartment alone. Instead, he was nice enough to open up his dorm for you to use temporarily. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was a manageable one for now. 

Ever since you regained consciousness, everything had been so foggy, but you remembered bits and pieces. You remembered the wine colored blood and the fear on Jeongin’s face. You remember being unable to breathe and the desperation of Chan’s voice. 

Maybe some part of you was glad that you couldn’t remember the entire thing. You weren’t sure that you wanted to remember traumatizing your boyfriend and your friend, at least, not the specific details. 

Your hospital stay had ended up turning into a week-long stay. It turns out the hospitals don’t play when it comes to suicide attempts. You didn’t even try to deny it. There was a tender hurt inside of you that you had no clue how to fix. 

It was a surprise when things that the mandated therapists were saying made sense. Sure, you knew things were wrong, but to hear validation from people, it made you feel a tiny bit better. 

When you left, you promised to come back. There were parts of you that really did want to heal from all of this. You never wanted to put anyone through this ever again. When clarity came through at the hospital, you realized you didn’t really want to die, you just wanted the self-hatred festered inside your being to stop. 

You wanted the negative energy to cease and you wanted to be loved. You wanted to be healed in ways you didn’t know how to heal. You wanted a lot of things and the therapists had promised that if you came back, they could start to help you turn things around, but you had to consciously make that decision. 

You yourself had to focus on your own healing. It was hard and it was difficult. Healing is one of the hardest things a person can do for themselves, but it can be so rewarding. You don’t have to let your demons win. 

“Fight back. Raise hell. Don’t let them win.” It was something another patient had said during a mandated group therapy. “I’m tired of letting the negative thoughts in my brain win. I want to live. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live.” 

The more the people talked, the more you realized that you had some of what they were missing. Sure, your parents weren’t the best, but you had friends. You had a significant other. You had little things that some people craved. 

For most of your time spent at the hospital, you were lost in your thoughts. You had barely uttered a few words to Chan. When Jeongin came in, you nearly collapsed into tears apologizing over and over again for scaring him. 

He insisted it was fine, but you knew it wasn’t. Nothing you could do could ever take back the damage that you had given him. The nightmares, the trauma, it’d be something he might have to live with forever. Sure, it’d fade, but for now, it stuck to the back of his head like glue. 

“So…” Chan’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. The two of you were standing in the dorm living room. He had sent the rest of the guys over to the other dorm, so you could settle in. “Welcome to your new temporary home.” 

This place really was your home. You had been here time after time again. These walls just might have known you better than your own apartment did. You glanced around and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“I cleared out my room, so you can have it.” 

“We’re not sharing?” 

“I didn’t think you’d want to.” 

Your hands tugged at the sleeves of your long sleeve shirt. Your fingers curled into them. The damage to your arm was so bad that doctors had a hard time fixing all the damage. They had also been concerned about infection since the wounds were so deep and there were multiple of them. 

You played with the hems trying to find words to say. “I’m sorry,” you finally got out, “for everything.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“It is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with things in a healthy way. I’ve been handling a lot on my own and I broke down. I snapped in the worst way possible. The doctors called it a nervous breakdown.” 

“You know I’m not mad at you, right?” 

“Maybe you should be.” 

He shook his head, “I could never be mad at you.” 

You lowered yourself to the faux leather couch behind you and slowly took in a deep breath. “I have a lot of issues and I’ve always known they were there. I just…” You shrugged, “I didn’t think something like this would happen. I’ve struggled with self-harm before, but I snapped.” 

He sat across from you and shifted his body to face you. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you that day. I shouldn’t have ye-” 

“You were stressed and upset, it happens sometimes.” 

“That doesn’t make it right.” 

“The therapist says I have parental issues from my father and it has affected me in a variety of ways. In fact, she said it’s why I’m probably dating you.” 

“What’s wrong with our relationship?” 

“She said I need to stop leaning on you to fill the void that my dad left behind and I hate that she’s right.” 

“Oh…” His face fell. “So does that mean we’re breaking up?” 

“Do you want to?” 

He shook his head. “I don’t, but what about you? What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t wanna break up either.” 

“So…” 

“So I’ll attend therapy and work on my issues. I’ll attempt to stop relying on you to make me happy because it’s not healthy.” 

“Yeah…” 

There was an awkwardness between you. Neither knew what to say and nobody wanted to harm the other. Chan finally broke the silence. “Can I hold you?” 

You shifted and crawled over towards him. He was careful of the stitches in your palm and in your opposite arm. You curled into his lap and he pulled you to his chest. Your head leaned against the familiar thump of his heartbeat. “I missed you,” you mumbled. 

“I miss you too.” His lips kissed the top of your head. Your sweet scent engulfed him. He leaned his chin on your head and shut his eyes. The warmth of your body was enough to set his soul ablaze. 

“My dad wasn’t a good man,” you finally mustered the courage to talk about it. “He called me at the studio and I didn’t read the caller ID. I just wanted to see you after a long day. When I left and went outside, he just started yelling and getting upset.”

“He’s verbally abusive and a hothead. Ever since I was a kid, he gets angry easily and he can’t control it. He throws things, he swings, and he’d destroy my things. I lived my life in so much fear because he’d threaten to disown me. My family never did anything about it, they just let it happen.” 

Chan’s hand went to your back. He soothingly rubbed it while you spoke. “I had no idea.” 

“I felt like I shouldn’t talk about it because some people don’t have fathers. I should be grateful that I even have a father and I-” 

“You don’t have to be grateful to someone who frightens you and makes you hate yourself. That’s not what a father should be. I probably enhanced your fight or flight instinct when I yelled at you, I’m so sorry.” 

“Every time I talk to him, I feel miserable. All of them, I’m so angry at all of them.” 

“You don’t have to continue putting yourself through any of that. You don’t have to talk to the people that make you miserable. Please don’t keep putting yourself through all this distress, baby.” 

“I just want to be happy.” 

“And I have no doubt that you’ll get there soon, sweetheart. When you’re feeling at your worst, you don’t have to turn to self-harm. You can come find me, yeah? I’ll always be here for you. Now that I know what’s wrong, I’ll be sure to never act like I did that day. I don’t want to lose you.” 

His arms tightened around your body and his lips found the top of your head again. “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’d be devastated if you weren’t here. If you ever feel like that, come find me and I’ll distract you.” 

“But that’s such a burden for you to carry.” 

“It’s not a burden if I love you.” 

You finally picked your head up and looked at him with teary eyes. His own eyes were similar as they looked at you. Without asking, you leaned forward and your lips connected. 

It was pure bliss…until it wasn’t. The front door to the dorm slammed open. The crack of it into the wall sent both of you pulling away from each other. 

Hwang Hyunjin sashayed into the room with a pair of sunglasses, a towel around his neck, and a blue pool noodle over his shoulders. “Surprise, bitches!” 

“Hyung, you have no manners,” Jeongin grumbled as he stepped in behind him. When his eyes found you, he beamed. “Hi!” He waved excitedly and rushed towards the two of you. 

Minho stepped inside, grabbed the pool noodle from Hyunjin, and bonked him on the head with it. “You insensitive fuck! I told you they couldn’t swim due to stitches!” 

“Ow!” 

Minho bonked him again. “You’re lucky you’re getting a pool noodle to the head and not a fist to your pretty face.” He glanced over at you and grinned. “Sup?” 

Chan sighed and kept his arms clamped around your back. “I’m so sorry about them. I didn’t have time to tell you that I invited all of them over to hang out for a game night and maybe some movies. We can order your favorite foods and w-” 

“Hyung, look at all my snacks!” 

“Mine too!” 

Han and Felix walked inside with grocery bags full of snacks. They wasted zero time going to the coffee table and dumping them out. The pair beamed happily as they waited for your approval and you managed a soft smile. 

“You two waste zero time making messes, don’t you? Hey,” Seungmin called out and he nodded towards you. “Glad you’re not dead. I can’t wait to-” 

The sound of Changbin screaming your name at the top of his lungs caused your eyes to widen in shock. Thunderous footsteps sounded from the porch and rushed inside. Changbin rushed in grinning with his arms outstretched. He was getting closer and closer until a pool noodle slammed into his face. 

He stumbled back dazed and Minho rolled his eyes. He handed the pool noodle back to Hyunjin and shook his head. “You are all unbelievable. You have zero manners.” 

“Strike,” Seungmin mumbled beneath his breath. 

You snorted which caused him to glance over and grin. 

“This is okay with you, right?” Chan glanced down at you. “If it’s too much, I can ask them to go back and I-” 

You shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m not sure about participating in games, because uh…” You gently shifted your bandaged arm hidden beneath your long sleeves. “Movie night and food sounds wonderful.” 

“Ya-hoo!” Changbin cheered. “Let’s get this party started.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Oh, snacks!” 

“Ah, ah, ah!” Minho ripped the pool noodle from Hyunjin’s hand and bonked him on the head again. A scowl filled Changbin’s face. “Let the guest pick first.” 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Hit him one more time and he’s going to lose the last brain cell he has,” Seungmin complained. 

“Yeah!” Hyunjin agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Minho bonked Hyunjin over the head. He groaned and slumped into the recliner behind him. “Channie, hyung, he’s beating me up! He’s killing my brain cells too!” 

“You idiot,” I.N huffed, “you don’t even have any to lose!” 

“Hey!” 

“So how have you been?” Felix asked as he got on his knees beside the couch. “Do you want a snack? Do you want to play Animal Crossing?” 

“Or we could watch an anime?” Han offered with a cheeky smile. “Whatever you’re up for, we’re down with.” 

“Exactly, whatever you want, babe.” Chan rubbed your back with some reassurance. “The guys and I got you.” 

“Can I just observe you interacting with each other? There’s plenty of humor in that and I-” 

“Oh, sure!” Minho beamed. He lifted up the pool noodle with a smirk. “Sit back and watch me play whack-a-mole.” 

“Wait a minute!” 

“Hey!” 

“Don’t you dare!” 

Without another word, Minho grinned as he started to take turns whacking the guys’ heads.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

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this is so beautifully written I CRIED-

(please don't leave me) | choi seungcheol

⇢ Seungcheol x Reader

⇢ word count: 4k

⇢ angst / hurt comfort

⇢ A/N: for any of you who might need it. I know it's hard, but please hang in there.

⇢ warning: reader is having symptoms of anxiety.

未来なんて来なけりゃ皆とのこの差も

If the future never came, I wouldn’t have to worry,

これ以上は開くことは無いのにさ

About being left behind by everyone else

Sekai no Owari - Ginga gai no akumu

You don’t realize what it was when it first happened, but you remember the feeling so clearly even now, at least a month later. Because how can you not when you had sat up on your bed in panic, thinking there's an earthquake because it felt like your body was shaking and so was the table clock beside you, only to check the news and find nothing?

You even tried looking up earthquakes across all social media only to conclude that you’re probably more tired than you thought you were because nobody around you even mentioned about an earthquake.

But then it happens again, so strongly that you feel your bed shaking and your heart beating so loud in your ears. You try to look around and see if everything else is shaking, but, then again, your sight might be playing a joke on you because everything seems shaky. The only thing that convinces you that everything is still… is Seungcheol.

He’s still sleeping soundly beside you, not the least bit bothered by whatever phenomenon you’re experiencing. And you know Seungcheol is sensitive to things like this, he would’ve woken up first and taken you with him if an earthquake was really happening.

You try to feel your heartbeat, but it’s hard to make sense of it when your head is spinning and your mind is all over the place. You try to take a deep breath too, but it’s truly Seungcheol’s soft, sleepy voice calling your name that gets the erratic rhythm of your heartbeat to calm down even a little.

“You okay?” he asks in worry, his barely conscious mind trying to register why you’re sitting up with your hand on your heart. “Nightmare?”

You’re not sure how to tell him it’s not, but you nod because it’s easier and you don’t want to worry him when it’s 2 in the morning and you know Seungcheol has practice in a few hours.

“Come here,” he whispers, signaling you to lay in his embrace. You exhale a deep breath as you do so, hoping that Seungcheol is too sleepy to notice how out of it you are. “Do you want to talk about it?”

At the shake of your head, Seungcheol hums and gently rubs your back to help you relax. It’s concerning how tense you are, but he knows not to push it when you say you don’t want to talk about it, let alone when he’s barely awake at 2 in the morning. So he plants his lips on your forehead to let you know he’s there, holds you a little tighter to remind you that it’s okay to lean on him.

“I’m here, okay?” he whispers against your hair. “It’s just a nightmare. You won’t have to see it again tomorrow.”

You try your best to hold back your tears, wondering why it’s suddenly hard to believe his words with dread filling your heart.

You wake up to your bed empty, and, as usual, you find Seungcheol’s texts the moment you check your phone.

[07:01] Seungcheol🌙: Sorry, Jihoon called and said I’m needed at the office earlier than scheduled

[07:01] Seungcheol🌙: Take it easy today. You’re working from home, right?

[07:02] Seungcheol🌙: Don’t forget to eat!

[08:11] Seungcheol🌙: I think I might need to stay in the dorm for the next few days, I’m sorry :(

[08:11] Seungcheol🌙: Call me if the nightmare comes again, ok? I know it bothers you a lot when it happens

[08:12] Seungcheol🌙: I love you

[08:17] Seungcheol🌙: Oh! Or you can just stay at the dorm if you want, you know the kids don’t mind

You don’t even know why you’re crying, but you are and it’s only when you’ve read all of his texts that you even realize there are tears falling down your face. You try your best to make sense of it; of why you’re crying and why you’re trying to hold back your tears, but it’s hard and you come up with nothing as you listen to your cries echoing in your silent apartment.

[10:10] Sorry, I woke up late and got caught up with meeting immediately after

[10:10] Its ok I understand, dont worry about me, ok?

[10:11] Love you too, Cheol

Seungcheol frowns when he reads your texts. It’s not weird for you to text this way, but there’s just something off that he’s not sure how to put his fingers in it yet.

Perhaps it’s the worry from last night that still refuses to leave his mind, because it’s been some time since he’s felt you that tense and you’d usually almost immediately melt into his embrace when you are.

But you didn’t. He’s pretty sure you were crying too at some point, but he can tell that asking you why would do no good so he let you be as he pretended to be asleep and blissfully unaware of the whole thing, though his arms tightened around you in the subtlest way possible.

He tried to rack his brain and see if there’s any sign that you might be having a hard time with something, if you’ve told him about anything that bothered you enough to react that way. But you’re fine even the day before that, though it’s true that you’re a little overworked and you’ve told him that your workload is a little too much these days.

Nothing I can’t handle though, you had told him. And he believes you’re not downplaying it, because you are capable of it and he knows you’ll tell him honestly if you think it’s too much, whining that your boss is an ass and that you need a break.

“Seungcheol, the meeting’s about to start,” Jeonghan calls for him, a little confused that the leader who usually reminds them of it is staring blankly into his phone. “You alright?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he sighs as he pushes his phone to his pocket and follows him out of the room. “Just worried about Y/N, I think she's a little burnout.”

Jeonghan frowns, asking if you’re okay, which Seungcheol can only press his lips together at, unsure if he can actually tell him how you’re doing. He wants to say you’re okay, but you also told him a few days ago that you haven’t been able to sleep well.

There’s an assumption in the back of his mind, but he doesn’t think he has the right to assume with so little knowledge and a few things he’s witnessed.

For once in his life, Seungcheol desperately hopes he’s wrong.

Unfortunately for him, the meeting lasts longer than it was intended to be, and he doesn’t have enough time to text you because he’s already dragged to another one the moment he steps out of the prior meeting room. He bites his lip when he realizes there’s no further text from you after the ones you sent in the morning though. It’s past lunch now.

Are you that busy? But you’re working from home and he knows you usually get clingy when you’re alone, so you bombard him with your uneventful day that he finds interesting nevertheless.

Before the meeting begins, he excuses himself to the restroom so he can check up on you even for a moment. He fidgets in front of the sink, but his phone keeps on beeping with no sign of you taking his call.

Seungcheol sighs when it eventually beeps a long line, and decides to text you instead, pretending to whine about his busy day to ask if you’ve eaten lunch because he hasn’t.

He waits for a minute or two, just to see if you’ll reply immediately despite his call being unanswered. He reminds himself not to worry too much when you don’t, maybe you are busy. Or maybe you’ve fallen asleep because, obviously, you didn’t sleep well last night.

Once he’s back in the meeting room, he can’t help but be conscious of his phone, praying it would vibrate from your notification because he’s gone as far as silencing every other notification just so yours would be the only one that goes through.

Yet, it stays still, not moving even once for the next two hours Seungcheol is in the meeting, his mind elsewhere. Inevitably, that means he’s out of it for the whole day; he keeps on getting some of his moves wrong, and he answers a second too late when someone calls for him.

No one blames him though, knowing full well that’s how he gets when he’s worried.

It’s somewhere during dinner that you finally answer, yet another text that got his stomach twisting in worry.

[19:22] Sorry, fell asleep and didnt check my phone til now

[19:23] And i did, i hope you didnt miss lunch?

He bites the inside of his cheek. He doesn’t want to sound obsessive, but you’re gone for hours and… that’s it? He’s not sure why he’s more worried than he usually would’ve been. Perhaps it’s because you were crying last night, doing it when you thought he’s asleep when you’d usually take his comfort with open arms instead of going through it by yourself.

He immediately calls you after that, excusing himself from the studio to check up on you. A frown is etched on his face when the phone beeps once, and then twice until you eventually pick up even though he calls almost as soon as he’s read your texts.

“Hey,” he greets you, and you hum in return, clearing your throat before you say hi. “Did you eat dinner? How was your nap?”

“I think I’ll just eat some bun,” you answer honestly, aware that Seungcheol understands that you find heavy meals burdensome for dinner at times. “And it was okay. How was your day?”

It’s a poor attempt to change the topic, he knows that, even you know that, but he decides following your pace would be best for now because it’s not the best set up to pry when he doesn’t have the luxury of time nor is he physically there with you. So he tries. He tries his best to act normal and tell you about his day, whines about the endless meetings, about how his moves during practice were a bit off; just about everything he’d tell you like usual.

He hopes it will help you get a sense of normalcy, something to hold on to and to remind yourself that this is just another day.

Seungcheol bites back a worried sigh at how much you’re trying to sound okay, wondering why you would pretend to be fine with him, of all people. But, again, he doesn’t think this would be the best set up to push so he swallows his worry and reminds you to rest well.

“Call me if the nightmare comes again, okay?” he tells you, even though he has a hunch that it wasn't a nightmare that was bothering you after all.

Your answer comes after a beat, another hum of affirmation that sounds a lot like an answer you give because you don’t know how else to answer him.

“It’s been a long day, hm?” he decides to say, figuring that should be subtle enough. “You sound very tired today, angel.”

“My period is coming, I think,” you say, admitting that today hasn’t been that great. “But I’ll manage. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

“It’s my job to worry about you,” he jokes, his heart eases a little at the sound of your tiny chuckle. “Anyhow, I think I might need to sleep in the dorm for a few days. But I’ll drop by, alright? Or we can eat out, it’s been some time since we went out to a restaurant, hm?”

There’s a sound of what he assumes to be sniffles from your part, soft enough for anyone else to mistake it as an upcoming cold if they don’t know you well enough. But he does, and he wonders if he said something wrong that might bring tears out of you. Before he can ask though, one of the staff calls for him so he has to hastily hang up and reminds you once again to take care and call him if the nightmare comes back even if it’s three in the morning.

You don’t trust yourself enough to speak, so you hum and clear your throat, telling Seungcheol to take care also.

The tears fall almost immediately after that, his warmth reaching out to you in ways that you don’t understand possible as you cry for reasons that you can’t seem to figure out.

It’s exhausting.

You can’t even tell how many times you’ve cried that day; when your boss raises his voice slightly during one of the meetings and not even at you, when you see the amount of deadlines lining up on your memo, when you think of Seungcheol and his smile… and right now, after taking his phone call and hearing the sweetest things you can ever ask someone to tell you.

He’s so ready to care for you–to let you know that he’ll be there for you whenever you ask him to.

So what is this feeling in your chest, telling you you’re not worthy of his love and attention? That you’d just be bothering him if you tell him about what’s been happening the whole day? Is something even happening? Or are you making things up in your mind?

You know–you know he’d happily comfort you everytime you need it. That he would never consider you a burden and he’d lay everything down for you if he could.

But still, how can you ask him of that?

How can you dare ask him to spare his time and do all that just because you’re a little upset?

It’s been one day, and yet the emptiness within you hollows you out like never before.

Seungcheol gulps hardly as he grips his phone, unsure what to make of the conversation he has just had with one of your close coworkers that knows of your relationship with him.

“Thank God you called,” Hanna sighs the moment she picks up the phone. “I had been contemplating on calling you but I was afraid I’d bother you… but anyway, I know you’re probably calling because of Y/N and… I must say I’m worried, Seungcheol.”

The phone call doesn’t get better, obviously, and he has to take a deep breath quite a few times the more Hanna talks.

“She doesn’t really talk unless someone asks her about the assignments,” she says, making his heart clench uncomfortably. “And… I hope you don’t think I’m being dramatic, but I think she’s a little empty. She does eat her lunch, thankfully, though she nibbles on them and she just stares at her screen during so. I… you didn’t fight, right? I’m not sure how to talk to her when she’s like this.”

It’s taking him everything not to just leave the building and go to your office right there and then, but he knows you wouldn’t like that–and he’s more responsible than that too as much as he wishes he can just leave that very second.

Unfortunately, the news isn’t as surprising as he thought it would be. Because he does have his guesses that it’s more than bad days the moment your text continues to feel off even the day after. You barely even answer his call, and it’s always the same excuse: that you’re not checking your phone.

He’s not annoyed, just very frustrated that he can’t find a way to see what’s happening because you’re closing up. He wants to comfort you, but how is he supposed to do it if you don’t even want to acknowledge to him that something’s going on?

He tries to ask if you’re feeling better after that day, and you always say your day is just okay–that nothing worth mentioning happened. It doesn’t help that his schedule doesn’t allow him to drop by your place too, but it’s been three days and he should be able to go to your shared place tonight albeit a bit late.

He doesn’t tell you that though, because he still doesn’t know if he can really go home or not, and even if he can, it might even be somewhere around one in the morning. You’d force yourself to stay up and wait for him if you know, so he’d rather not when he knows you haven’t been in your condition despite your lack of confirmation.

It shows though. It shows in your strained voice and your short texts. It shows in how careful you choose your words and how you always make excuses not to answer his video calls.

It shows in how late your reply comes as time goes by. And how you always tell him he’s just too worried everytime he asks if you’re okay.

You don’t brush off his worries. That’s not something you do. You’d usually tell him you’re okay and that it’s him who should take care. Or you’d tell him you’re simply in a bad mood and you don’t want to talk to him for a bit just in case you’ll get annoyed at him too.

But not this. You don’t tell him he’s too worried. Perhaps you think it’ll ease his worry when it only does the exact opposite.

“Just go back home, Cheol,” Jihoon says from the other side of the recording room the moment Seungcheol snaps his face to him. He doesn’t sound annoyed, just very concerned that his leader has only turned to him now even though he’s called him for at least five times before. “I know you’re worried about Y/N. Go check up on her and stay the night? We have a late start tomorrow anyway.”

Seungcheol looks at his manager sitting behind Jihoon, signaling him to go out because it’ll do no one any good if his head isn’t even here no matter how long he’s been standing on the recording booth.

“You want me to drive you home?” his manager offers, and Seungcheol is about to refuse until he realizes he’d be too distracted to drive properly anyway. So he nods and apologizes to Jihoon for not being able to focus.

The younger guy shakes his head, as he could understand it could happen and tells him that he’s worried too from what Seungcheol has told him about you.

The drive to your place is silent, and it’s somewhere after midnight when he arrives. Seungcheol thanks his manager once again, then tells him there’s no need to pick him up tomorrow or that he will call if he needs to be picked up.

If he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t know what exactly he’s expecting from being home. But it’s definitely not the whole place dark with no single lamp turned on even though you always make sure to turn on one of the floor lamps in the living room and the other near the kitchen.

You don’t like complete darkness.

His stomach churns in worry at what this might imply, and it’s when he nears your shared bedroom that his heart drops because you’re awake and you’re crying–bawling, if he’s to be frank. And it takes everything in him not to just throw the door open and ask what happens.

Instead, Seungcheol exhales a deep breath and calmly opens the door only to find you turned the other way around, a bunch of used tissues lay on the your bedside table.

His eyes water almost immediately, but he softly clears his throat and takes the place next to you on the bed. You don’t realize he’s home, it appears, as you jump in shock when you feel the bed dip behind you and tense the moment he turns you around and pulls you into his embrace.

The shock doesn’t last long though, and the tears well up once again when your brain finally registers that Seungcheol is here and you’re in his arms. He doesn’t even have to ask what’s wrong, he just holds you and shushes you softly. He doesn’t tell you to stop crying either, simply caresses your hair and holds you tighter when he feels your fingers balling the front of his shirt.

When your sob finally dies down, you’re not sure how to look at him and what to say. Seungcheol doesn’t seem to care though, because he kisses your forehead and tells you to wait as he goes to the kitchen and get you water.

He still doesn’t ask later on after you’ve calmed down and sit quietly in his lap, doesn’t ask when he feels your hands trembling even though you didn’t have any hand tremor before this, his back against the headrest of your bed as he hums a familiar tone that you don’t remember what song of.

It’s calming though; the sound of his heartbeat against your ear and the feeling of his hand gently rubbing your back.

“Should we lay down?” he whispers against the top of your head, his arm that’s holding your figure tighten the slightest bit. “You should get some sleep, angel.”

You shake your head though, and then bury yourself further into his embrace. “I want to stay like this for a little while.”

His heart hurts at how small you sound, and he blinks back his tears once again before they can fall and worry you instead. “Okay. Tell me if you’re sleepy, alright?”

It’s silent again for a moment, and it’s when his arm tenses a little that you know it’s coming. Whatever it is he’s been wanting to say and been holding to himself–it’s coming.

“You know you don’t need to go through this alone, right?”

Your vision gets blurry again at his words, wondering once again how on earth did you luck out and get yourself a Choi Seungcheol.

“I’m here for a reason and I hope that means something to you,” he speaks softly, and if you’re not already sobbing now, you would’ve heard how shaky he sounds too, seconds away from crying himself. “I know it’s hard. And I hope you know I’m not mad, but… tell me if you need me to be with you, okay? I want to be with you. But I can’t do it if you’re not letting me. Please let me be with you.”

You didn’t think it was possible for you to cry harder than you already are, but it is, and Seungcheol is making it harder to stop crying because he’s really here and he’s whispering you every single thing you’ve been doubting yourself of; telling you that no matter how hard you’re telling yourself you have to go through it alone, you really don’t have to because he wants to be there for you.

Even if he can’t do anything but hold your hand, he wants to be there.

That he’s not going to leave and he doesn’t have any intention to do that ever.

You want to apologize to him, for thinking all those things against your relationship and how little faith you have in him even though you know it’s your head messing things up. That you don’t really think he’d see you as a burden, that it’s you who think you are a burden to him.

Seungcheol shakes his head though, tells you he understands and that he takes no offense in them even though your words barely even make any sense. You open your mouth again to explain, but he closes his lips on yours for a feather-like kiss that gets you feeling the calmest you’ve felt in a week.

“You don’t need to tell me anything now, okay? Just rest well and we’ll face tomorrow together, alright?”

You nod, eyes teary but heart much less heavy than it was before. You barely manage to smile at him, but it’s enough for him and he shifts you both down inside your blanket so you can finally sleep.

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” he whispers. “You’re not going to do this alone.”

It’s your turn to believe his voice instead of the voice inside your head.

明日を夢見るから今日が変わらないんだ

It’s because we dream of tomorrow that nothing changes today.

僕らを動かせるのは自分だけだろう

We’re the only ones who can make ourselves take action.

そんなことわかってるんだろう

But you know that already;

強くなれ僕の同志よ

Be stronger, my comrades.

A/N: and for me, who needed it. It's okay to seek for help. Don't go through it alone. Be stronger, my comrades.

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