Bang Chan Angst - Tumblr Posts

Maybe I shoulda saved these til chan’s birthday?🤔

Oh well. Three already posted and like four more that I don’t know if I should post now or later since the last two didn’t get seen much. Or maybe I should post them all then reblog all my Chan stuff the day of his birthday. IDK SOMEBODY HELP😭

♡ Bang Chan masterpost ♡

old draft i just found

Imagine you want Chan to cum inside you so bad that you try to coax him into it. Mewling ‘please’ over and over again as he reaches his peak. He gets mildly annoyed but just fucks harder to make you cum first until he pulls out to cum on your stomach. You pout but he says something about it being too gross and weird.

You get very quiet after that, not speaking a word as he cleans you up. When he gets into bed you immediately get up to go to the living room. He is disappointed since he was hoping to fall asleep next to you since he had to work early the next morning but he goes to sleep anyway.

Two nights later, he came home earlier than usual to spend time with you but you’re obviously upset. You’ve barely spoken to him or touched him since that night. He’s barely even made eye contact with you. Felix notices the tension but doesn’t say anything until he sees you walk right past Chan out of the kitchen when he was clearly going to say something to you. He finally asks “Is everything ok? She’s been like this for a few days.”

Chan, now annoyed though slightly embarrassed, speaks through pink cheeks. “She is just upset she didn’t get what she wanted.”

“What did she want?”

Chan stumbles and stutters for a moment before just saying something vague about a “bedroom fantasy”. “I just don’t think I should sacrifice what I want just so she’s not a brat. I don’t want to feel gross when I’m sharing a moment with her.”

Felix’s brows furrow knowing you wouldn’t be that upset over something so selfish but he isn’t sure what it even is nor is he sure if it’s his place. Before he can say anything you speak up from the doorway.

“Fuck you, Chris.” Both men look towards where you were standing with angry tears. “I’m not being a brat and I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.”

“Then why have you been acting like this?”

“Because” you paused and Felix noticed you were hugging yourself. “Because you keep calling me gross and weird”

Felix was alarmed at the sight of your tears and rushed you comfort you. You fully buried yourself in his arms.

“I didn’t call you gross, just what you were asking.” Chan tried in vain to argue.

“Do you think having your cum on my stomach is better??” You fired back. “Or my mouth or my ass?”

Felix was frozen, veeeery sure he should not be hearing this.

Meanwhile Chan was lost for words.

“Sex is fucking gross in general but I’m not trying to make you do something your uncomfortable with. I just don’t want to be called weird or gross.” He could barely hear the last part because you buried your face in Felix’s chest as you began to cry harder. “I thought I could share things with you but you made me feel bad about myself instead”

Chan felt worse than bad. He hadn’t thought about that, any of it. Sex isn’t the most sanitary thing. Personally he’d never had cum on him the way you had so he couldn’t even argue how gross it might’ve felt relative to cumming inside you. Most importantly, he hasn’t meant to insult you. He would never try to hurt your feelings especially in a vulnerable moment.

“______ I’m so sorry!! I hadn’t thought about it like that.” He apologized profusely. Felix tapped you gently, pointing to Chan whose arms were now open to give every bit of comfort he could. You accepted, albeit hesitant, though once you were there you squeezed him tight as you cried. He squeezed back, tears of his own falling as he continued to apologize. After a few minutes, he picked you up, yours arms still tight around him, taking you back to his room.

Felix stood there for a moment. “I feel like I shouldn’t have heard any of that.”

In the end, Chan’s innocent comfort turns to apologetic lust and he ends up granting your request. From the moment he feels himself release into your waiting walls he learns something- he loves it.

He gets hooked instantly from that moment. You smiled contently not knowing you’ve awakened the beast- Chan’s breeding kink.

I didn’t proofread or format 🤷🏽‍♀️ I just wrote some shit out so I might delete

some loves

pairing: bang chan x female reader

summary: some loves are too hard to bear. years after being trainees together, chan still thinks of you all the time. he has no idea that a collaboration would lead him back to you.

word count: 6.9k

tags/warnings: reader is an independent singer/songwriter, hurt/comfort, angst, mentions of past injuries, a little bit of jealousy, i am still in denial that chan doesn't do lives anymore, hongjoong from ateez is in this fic

read it on ao3 | masterlist

a/n: once again, sorry for the long time between posts. disclaimer that i do not know much about how the music/idol industry works and i did not really do much research. also i'm not an atiny so sorry if my portrayal of hongjoong is not realistic at all. also also i did a lot of the writing on a new tablet doing handwriting with a stylus to text so please forgive any typos or weird formatting! i didn't have a chance to edit much so i may have missed some things.

Chan’s in his studio when he gets the call. At first, he doesn’t even realise his phone is ringing. It’s 2am on a weekday and he’s been working away for a few hours so the rest of the world has just about faded into the background.

He’s both surprised and intrigued when he looks at the caller ID and sees Hongjoong’s name. Chan would consider Hongjoong to be a friend, but they’re not particularly close and he can’t think of a reason that would warrant this late night call.

“Hey hyung,” Hongjoong greets him briefly before getting straight to the point. “What’s your schedule like in the next few months?”

“It’s actually not too bad,” Chan replies after a moment of thought. “We’re just finalising all the music for the next album so it’ll be a bit of time before we get busy with recording and filming for the comeback. What’s up?”

“You don’t have the answer now and I don’t want you to feel any pressure at all, but would you be interested in doing a collab together?”

“A collab?” Chan repeats. “Like, ATEEZ and Stray Kids?”

“We could,” Hongjoong says reluctantly. “But actually, if you’re up for it then I was thinking more like just you and me. I have a couple tracks that we could work off of and I’ve roped in someone to help me with recording, engineering, and production.”

“Who?” Chan asks, interest piqued.

“Not sure if you’ve heard of them, they go by the name HALLA.”

Chan recognises the name instantly. When Chan had first stumbled upon HALLA one late night scrolling and listening to different independent artists, they seemed relatively unknown. However, a little research revealed that they had KOMCA credits on a number of songs for idol groups, some of which had become widely popular. Their personal work was a variety of genres and a majority of the tracks didn’t have vocals, but the ones that did had clever or thoughtful lyrics. There were a couple of different voices featured in the original songs, both of which were smooth and melodic. HALLA has a style that Chan thinks would complement Stray Kids and he’s considered reaching out to them a few times, but was always held back by something.

There was little about HALLA posted on the internet and while Chan definitely appreciates their privacy, he’s curious to meet the person behind all the songs that he enjoyed. There’s just something familiar about all their music that he can’t quite place, something that he wants more of.

“I’m in,” Chan agrees.

“You can take some time to think about it, talk to JYPE to see what their thoughts are too.”

“No need, I’m interested and I know I can convince management to support this.”

“Well that was easy,” Hongjoong says and Chan can basically hear him grinning through the phone. “And for my own pride, I’m going to pretend that you said yes the second I suggested the collab instead of when I mentioned HALLA-ssi.” Chan instantly flushes and is glad that Hongjoong can’t see him over the phone.

“It wasn’t-” Chan begins to protest.

“It’s okay,” Hongjoong interrupts. “I’m also pretty thrilled to get to work with them, so I understand. Didn’t realise you were familiar with their work, but I guess a hidden gem like them can’t stay hidden for long. I’ll send some files over to you and we can organise a time to work.”

—

Chan finds it easy to work with Hongjoong and they make quick progress on the song, writing lyrics and creating a guide within a couple of weeks. Before he knows it, they’ve scheduled a time for Chan to visit KQ Entertainment to record vocals. Hongjoong knows that Chan is keen to be involved in the production and arrangement of the song too, so they also have a couple sessions booked for that, although Hongjoong teases him relentlessly about just wanting to work with HALLA. The worst part is that Chan can’t even deny it.

Hongjoong meets him at the entrance of KQ Entertainment and quickly takes him through security.

“HALLA-ssi is already in the studio,” Hongjoong explains as they wait for the elevator to arrive. “I was getting input on a track that’s been killing me for the past few days.”

“Did they help?” Chan asks, a little surprised that HALLA is involved in more than just this collaboration. He still hasn't had a chance to connect with them other than quick introductions through text a couple of days ago and he's just as excited to meet them as initially.

“Yeah!” Hongjoong grins, eyes curving into little crescents. “HALLA-ssi is amazing. She only had listen to it a couple times before she came up with suggestions on a few different ways to fix the part that I hated. I left her to finish cleaning the song up and then it’s basically ready for review.”

“How did you start working with HALLA-ssi? I’ve been meaning to try to connect with her.”

“It was actually a friend that suggested working with her. For someone who isn’t signed with a label- which I don’t know how nobody has signed her yet- she’s surprisingly well connected within the industry. I’m sure that KQ would be more than happy to have her work with us, but when I hinted at that, she didn’t seem interested.”

“Really?” Although KQ Entertainment is still one of the smaller companies in the industry, most unsigned artists would still jump at the chance to work there since they have a good reputation, especially due to ATEEZ’s popularity.

“I haven’t poked too much, it’s not really my business. I thought I might as well try. I just know that she’s amazing at her job and I’m grateful that I get to work with her at all.”

They turn the corner to the hallway that leads to the recording studio. The door is ajar and Hongjoong opens it, waving his arm forward to allow Chan to walk through first, before following closely behind.

HALLA’s sitting at the desk and the second Chan sees her face, he stops in his tracks.

“Y/n,” Chan breathes.

You look up, startled, and your eyes connect for a split second before Hongjoong crashes into Chan, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

“Hyung,” Hongjoong complains, unaware of Chan’s inner turmoil. “Why’d you stop?”

Chan lets out an apologetic wheeze from where he’s now trapped under Hongjoong, before resting his forehead against the ground. He needs a second to recover.

It feels like a punch to the gut to see you in front of the recording studio’s computer, fiddling with a track. You look different, but somehow it feels like Chan has been transported right back to his trainee days and all that time that the two of you had spent side by side.

It has been years since Chan last saw you. He had found out that you had left JYPE just months after Stray Kids officially debuted, but all efforts to track you down had been futile. You had changed your number and broken contact with all the other trainees. He had asked around a little bit, but everyone he talked to had been unusually cagey about the subject.

Suddenly, everything makes more sense, especially the little that he knows about HALLA.

As trainees, Chan’s favourite moments had been when you had regaled him with stories of growing up on Jeju Island. The two of you had connected early on through your shared love of the ocean. You had promised him that if he ever went to visit in his free time, you would take him on the best trails up to the Hallasan, the shield volcano, and show him incredible views from the highest point on the island. Occasionally, your parents would send you care packages and the two of you would open them hidden away in one of the vocal practice rooms, the sweet citrus of hallabong exploding in your mouths.

You had always spoken about Jeju Island so fondly, of course you would find a way to indirectly pay homage through the stage name that you chose.

“Oppa,” your voice rings out in the silence of the room. Now, Chan knows why the female voice on some of HALLA’s songs had always seemed hauntingly familiar. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” both Chan and Hongjoong say at the same time, then make eye contact with identical confused expressions.

“Hongjoong-ssi, you didn’t mention that the person you wanted to feature on the track was Channie-oppa,” you say, making it clear who you were addressing your concern to earlier.

“It was supposed to be a surprise!” Hongjoong gets up slowly, dusting off his clothes and scratching at the back of his head, still looking bewildered. “I had no idea that you two knew each other, hyung mentioned he hadn’t worked with you before.”

Chan stays quiet, not sure how much you’re willing to share. Hongjoong must not know about your time with JYPE if he can’t piece together how the two of you could have met.

“Oh- I used to- We trained together back in the day,” you explain sheepishly. “I was with JYPE for a little while and all the trainees knew who Channie-oppa was. That was a long time ago though, I didn’t use the name HALLA back then.”

The five years that you trained at JYPE are more than a little while, but Chan forces himself to bite his tongue at your deliberate understatement. You don’t elaborate further and while it’s obvious that Hongjoong isn’t satisfied with your answer, he’s willing to drop the topic for now. You look relieved when he switches the subject to the song.

The three of you finish recording quickly. It shouldn’t be a surprise, the work so far with Hongjoong has been smooth so adding you to the mix has just made things easier, but Chan knows he’s a perfectionist and it often takes him an almost embarrassing number of takes before he’s satisfied. The only delay comes when Hongjoong decides he wants you to sing some of the backing vocals and resorts to actually getting on his knees and begging. Chan doesn’t go so far, but he can’t help but agree that your voice blends with the song perfectly. Of course, he also just wants to hear you sing.

You relent when Chan quietly voices his agreement and it really shouldn't make Chan feel as smug as it does.

It’s not even early enough for dinner when things are wrapped up. Chan is usually eager to finish a schedule early, but he’s reluctant to leave, taking his time packing up his belongings.

Finally, he doesn’t have a reason to stay any longer so he musters up the courage to ask.

“Do you guys want to go grab some coffee or something to eat?”

You and Hongjoong make eye contact before turning to look at Chan guiltily. His stomach churns for some reason.

“I’m sorry,” you wince. “I actually promised to help Hongjoong-ssi with an ATEEZ song and we need to go over the edits that I made before his meeting with the company later today.”

“Oh,” Chan replies, feeling a little relieved. “Right, no yeah I get it. Hongjoong actually mentioned that earlier, but I forgot. My bad.”

You offer an apologetic smile before turning to the computer, opening up a file.

“I’ll see you guys next time, then,” Chan says, starting to back out of the room.

“Of course! Thank you for your hard work and good job today!” you say brightly. Looking distracted, Hongjoong mumbles an agreement and waves goodbye. Unlike you, he’s not staring at the computer monitor though. Instead, his focus is solely on you. Even from his side profile, Chan can tell that he’s enamoured.

Honestly, Chan can’t really blame him, you look comfortable and confident, swallowed up in an oversized hoodie as you start explaining the alterations that you made to the track. Your voice is calm, but warm and you’re careful to start off by complimenting the work that Hongjoong had done previously.

Chan leaves, resolutely ignoring the twisted feeling that’s back with a vengeance and any thoughts of what the cause might be.

—

Chan can’t sleep. His thoughts are all about you, what you’ve been doing the past few years, what happened to you at JYPE that made you leave, and mostly trying to remember how and why your relationship with him slowly fell apart.

That’s the hardest part. In the darkest time of his life, when Chan had been discouraged and disheartened, you had joined JYPE with a brightness and enthusiasm that gave Chan the motivation to continue being a trainee. He had adored you. He still does.

In those last few months before the survival show had been filmed, Chan’s relationship with you had gone from being everything to nothing. It happened in the blink of an eye, and Chan had never understood what caused you to withdraw so quickly and thoroughly. The two of you had gone from spending almost all of your free time together to you avoiding him at the company, pretending not to hear when he called out your name or tried to get your attention.

The regret of letting you slip away has always eaten away at him, but now more than ever.

Of course, at the time it hadn’t felt so simple. The survival show was Chan’s first serious chance to debut, and not just that, but the weight of having eight other people’s careers depending on his leadership took a toll on all his other relationships. Your absence in his life still hurt, but Chan had lots of practice losing people. He had coped in the way that worked best in the past, throwing himself headlong into producing, training, anything to keep himself from wallowing in his feelings.

Chan doesn’t have any schedules for today, but he still heads to the company. He knows this isn’t the healthiest way to deal with things, but he doesn’t know anything else.

When he arrives, Chan just barely manages to catch a glimpse of a few familiar faces. He calls out before he can think better of it, jogging slightly to catch up. Sana, Momo, and Mina watch curiously as he approaches. He knows that Twice also aren’t in a busy period of the year, so he doesn’t feel guilty delaying them.

“Sorry to bother you all. Sana-noona, I was just wondering if we could chat?”

Sana makes brief eye contact with the rest of the girls before agreeing and waving them to go ahead of her. She follows behind Chan as he leads them into his studio, clearly interested in determining the reason behind this atypical meet up.

“What’s up, Channie?” she asks once the door is closed behind them.

Chan tries to think of the best way to start, not wanting to just outright ask, but not knowing how to subtly steer the conversation into the right direction. Finally, he abandons trying to be casual and just blurts out, “Do you remember Y/n?”

“Of course I do,” Sana says, sounding amused at the sudden mention of you. “You both had reputations for being veteran trainees. I mean, other than Jihyo.”

“I was always surprised that she never debuted,” Chan admits. “I just thought it would happen eventually and I was so shocked to find out that she had left. I didn’t- I don’t understand why she gave up on something she wanted so badly.”

“Give up?” Sana asks, sounding like she’s offended on your behalf. “Why would you say it like that?”

“What do you mean? It was like she was there one day and gone the next, I just assumed that she had enough and quit. Nobody seemed to know anything about it. I never found out why and it’s been kind of killing me.”

“You didn’t hear what happened?”

“What- something happened? To her?” Chan swallows hard, suddenly feeling unwell.

“It- I thought that you of all people would know-”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, but- you never talked to her about it? You knew her better than any of us.”

“Noona, I didn’t know that she was gone until months later. She obviously didn’t want to talk about it to me, I never reached out at first. When I finally did, her number had been changed. What was I supposed to do?”

“I- It’s better if you were to hear it from her. I don’t know the full story and you know how things can be distorted through gossip. And you especially must know how dangerous that can be.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You really have no clue? The two of you were inseparable…”

“Please,” Chan pleads.

“You know how it is in the industry, you were so close, of course there were rumours…”

It suddenly clicks.

“But we were just friends! And the dating ban-”

“Chan, you know nobody actually sticks to those, right?”

“But really, we were never-”

“I believe you,” Sana says, carefully. “But you know that to management that it doesn’t really matter whether or not anything was actually going on. To them it’s all about the optics. A perceived relationship is just as dangerous as an actual one.”

“Management…” Chan repeats, his mind racing. “They never mentioned anything to me though.”

“You never found it suspicious? You two are extremely close and out of the blue she suddenly stops talking to you, then right after the two of you stop hanging out, you’re chosen for the survival show? Someone must have talked to her at some point. Maybe not management, but for sure someone.”

“You think that’s why it took so long for me to debut?” Chan asks, even though he already knows the answer.

“It was a liability,” Sana explains. “To have a dating scandal so early on? Neither of your careers would survive. It’s painful and a terrible part of the industry but it’s true.”

“And.. Why she left, you know about that too?” Chan pleads.

“I think I’ve said too much already. I know that it’s hard, but some things are really personal.” She pauses for a moment. “What brought this on, anyway? You haven’t mentioned Y/nnie in years.”

“I can’t say much, but I- I saw her today, got to talk to her, found out what she’s been up to.” Sana gasps. Chan continues. “It was so weird to see her after so long. In the back of my mind, I had always wondered, but…”

“I’m glad that you two got to reconnect,” Sana says gently. “The two of you cared about each other a lot, that much was obvious. Talk to her, I think at the very least you’ll be able to find peace about what happened.”

“Noona-” Chan reaches out and pulls Sana into a tight hug. “Thank you for telling me. I appreciate it.”

“Of course. I’m sorry that it took so long for you to find out.”

—

A few days later, Hongjoong schedules another session to work on the song. Leading up to it, Chan is both looking forward to it and nervous, not sure what to expect. Although he still really wants to know what happened to you all those years ago, he’s scared about what he might learn and any part he might have had in it.

After a sleepless night, he ends up arriving almost 15 minutes early. This time, Hongjoong isn’t waiting at the building’s entrance. Instead he had let him know a few days before that Chan could just sign himself in and had sent him the name and location of the studio that was booked. When Chan reaches it, he can make out conversation from inside.

“HALLA,” Hongjoong can be heard through the studio doors, which aren’t fully shut. His tone is petulant and much more casual than it was previously. Chan wonders how much time the two of you have spent together between then and now and he almost misses the next thing that Hongjoong says. “You never told me that you were a trainee before.”

That stops Chan in his tracks, interested in how you’ll respond.

“It was a long time ago.” Your voice is faint. You’re still nice, but Chan can tell that your voice is stiffer than usual. “It doesn’t really matter now.”

This time, Hongjoong doesn’t let it go.

“What happened?” he prods.

“Just drop it,” you warn him. “It’s the past, forget I told you in the first place. Nothing ever came of it anyway.”

“Y/n-” Hongjoong changes tactics, the nagging tone replaced with a quieter, more serious one. You sigh.

“It didn’t work out. Obviously. I’m just not idol material.”

“Oh come on, I don’t believe that for a second. Your producing is good enough that I know for sure you’ve been getting offers to work with more companies than just KQ. When you direct during recording, you can hit every note without any warm up or practice. And I’ve heard your original songs, you must have been considered for both the position of lead rapper and lead singer as a trainee because there’s no way that anybody would let your talent go to waste.” Hongjoong is breathing hard by the end of his rant and Chan can see that this is something that has been bothering him for a while.

“It’s okay, Hongjoong-oppa.” Your voice is gentle, like you’re trying to comfort him. “I’m happy with what I have right now. Really. I’m grateful for all the freedom I have. Getting to work on any project I want and experiment with my music without having to deal with the bureaucracy and politics of the industry? Having that independence is precious to me. I wanted to be an idol for a long long time. But even though that specific plan I had didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I’m doing.”

Hongjoong stays quiet for a while.

“Do you think that if you had the opportunity to debut as an idol now, you would?” he finally asks.

“Oppa, it’s not possible. I can’t dance, I’m too old-” you protest.

“No no, just hypothetically. Like if someone walked into the room and handed you a contract and said that if you signed it in an hour then you’d be able to debut.”

“I- I don’t know.”

“What’s your gut feeling?”

“I think I left that dream behind, I don’t know if I want to go down that path again. I don’t think I have it in me.”

“I’m sorry,” Hongjoong says after another pause. “I shouldn’t have questioned you so much, you shouldn’t have to justify your decisions to me.”

“No, it’s fine. It seems strange, right? For me to be an artist in Seoul and not want to get signed, it's only natural for you to be curious. But I learned a lot when I was a trainee and I learned even more after that and I can say with certainty that this is what I want.”

Chan takes that opportunity to knock on the studio door and push it open.

“Hey, hope I’m not interrupting,” he says, as if he wasn’t just eavesdropping on their conversation and purposely chose when to cut in. “Sorry, I’m a little bit late.”

“Hey, no problem man,” Hongjoong says. “We haven’t had a chance to do anything yet, so you’re right on time.”

“Good to see you,” you chime in. “I think this should be pretty quick so let’s get started!”

As you predicted, it doesn’t take long before a majority of the song is finished. Normally, Chan would be keen to stay involved until the very last detail is finalised, but he trusts you and at the end of this day, it’s Hongjoong’s song so he’s happy to give him the final say.

At the end of the session, Chan once again uses the opportunity to try to catch you alone. The two of you are side by side, packing your bags and Chan asks if you have any plans for the rest of the day. You confirm that you're available and Chan is about to suggest that the two of you take the time to catch up when Hongjoong interrupts.

“Oh, Y/n-ah,” he says. “I was actually hoping to get your input on something and I didn’t have a chance to ask you earlier. Can you please stick around for a bit? Sorry, hyung.”

Hongjoong sounds so sincere that Chan almost doesn’t feel annoyed that he’s stealing all of your time and attention. Almost, because at the end of the day, Chan’s only human. Even though he knows he has no right to feel possessive over you, he can’t stop the petty jealousy that bubbles up inside of him. At this point, there’s no denying the emotion.

Just like the previous session, he leaves alone, heading directly to the studio. Hours later, his breath catches when he checks his phone and sees that you’ve texted him.

[Received - 8:04pm]

Channie-oppa~

[Received - 8:04pm]

This is Y/nnie

[Received - 8:05pm]

Sorry about earlier, I have a contract with KQ Entertainment and work comes first :/

[Received - 8:09pm]

But I’m free now! You still interested in catching up?

Chan stares at the messages until it feels like they’re burned into his retinas. Logically, he knew that you had his number, the two of you were in a group chat that Hongjoong had set up, but this was your first time messaging him privately. The first time you had reached out in years. A precious opportunity that he never thought that he would have. He doesn’t want to mess this up.

He’s also shocked to see you texting so casually. Although the two of you have been comfortable in person, he wasn’t sure that it would translate to one-on-one conversation.

[Sent - 8:10pm]

Hey Y/n!

[Sent - 8:11pm]

No worries at all, I understand. I’m the same way too

[Sent - 8:13pm]

I still wanna meet up… but I’m all the way back in Gangdong-gu 😅 It’d be a bit of a trek for you if you're still at KQ

[Received - 8:13pm]

Gangdong-gu?

[Received - 8:14pm]

Ohh JYPE

[Received - 8:14pm]

My bad, forgot that you guys moved

[Sent - 8:15pm]

Yeahhh

[Sent - 8:15pm]

Headed straight back to the company after we were done, sorry

[Received - 8:18pm]

Well… If you’re willing to wait then I don’t mind. KQ is close to a metro station anyway

[Sent - 8:18pm]

Wait, really?

[Sent - 8:18pm]

No no no, don’t take the subway

[Sent - 8:18pm]

I’ll send a driver. They’re gonna pick you up in 20 min

[Received - 8:19pm]

Wowow

[Received - 8:19pm]

Private driver?

[Received - 8:20pm]

You’re a real superstar now haha

[Sent - 8:21pm]

alsfjshkafs noooooooo

[Sent - 8:21pm]

It’s just faster

[Sent - 8:21pm]

and safer

[Received - 8:22pm]

I’m not complaining

[Received - 8:22pm]

but I’m going to get your autograph when I see you

[Received - 8:23pm]

If I sell it then I can probably afford my own private driver 🤭

[Sent - 8:24pm]

Knew it

[Sent - 8:25pm]

You’re just using me for my fame

[Received - 8:26pm]

Ah you got me this time

[Received - 8:26pm]

*Your fame, your talent, and your good looks

[Received - 8:27pm]

Even tho you were the one that said you wanted to meet up

[Received - 8:27pm]

Hmmm maybe you’re the one using me?

Chan listens to his phone as it continues to vibrate from where it’s lodged in between two of the couch cushions after he threw it across to the opposite side of the room. His face is buried in his hands and flaming red. He feels both giddy and terribly embarrassed.

Chan’s no stranger to flirting, he’s experienced his fair share being on either side through interactions with the members and with Stay, but he forgot how flustered he was being on the receiving end of your teasing. The part he never understood is that your playful tone always gave way to sincerity. Even when the two of you would joke around, he could always tell that you meant every comment that you made about Chan being talented or attractive and that flattered him almost as much as it baffled him.

[Received - 8:32pm]

?? Speechless that I caught on?

[Received - 8:36pm]

I think your driver has arrived… Otherwise I’m being kidnapped

[Received - 8:40pm]

Don’t think I would survive a horror film… I got into the car with no questions asked

[Received - 8:42pm]

It was nice knowing you I guess

When he realises how much time has passed, Chan grabs his phone and runs down to the back entrance of the company. Luckily you haven’t arrived yet and he takes the time to reply to your messages.

[Sent - 8:53pm]

Sorry, lost track of time

[Sent - 8:53pm]

They’ll drop you off at the back door, I’ll meet you there so you don’t have to get signed in or anything

[Received - 8:54pm]

Don’t think you’re getting away with ignoring my other texts

[Received - 8:55pm]

But thanks

[Received - 8:55pm]

Is this back door, the famous one that only allows in authorised people?

[Received - 8:55pm]

I’m honoured

Chan rolls his eyes at your cheesy reference and is in the middle of typing up a response when he sees the car pull up. You step out cautiously, then brighten when you see where Chan’s propping up the door.

“Hey,” Chan greets you. “Glad that you made it safely.”

“Thanks for the ride,” you say, looking around curiously as Chan leads you to an elevator that takes you to the rest of the building. “So this is the new and improved JYP Entertainment. I’d say that it looks the same as before, but I never got the chance to come in.”

“Yeah,” Chan says, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck as he walks. “I mean it’s pretty nice, but at the end of the day a practice room is a practice room and that’s where we spend most of our time.”

“Hmm I think we might have to agree to disagree on that one. You have your own studio don’t you?”

“Ah, kind of. It’s technically a shared one, but practically I’m the only one that uses it unless we’re out of the country for a long time,” Chan confirms.

“Seems a lot better than what we used to have! Do you remember when we used to cram ourselves into that tiny room that barely even fit two chairs and a table?”

“I almost forgot about that, it was so terrible! In the summer it would get so hot that we’d keep the door open-”

“And then someone would come yell at us because we’d be playing music too loud-”

“I remember begging management to install a portable air conditioner on multiple occasions, but they always refused.”

“Of course! Even if they weren’t so stingy, there weren’t any windows leading outside in there, how could they install it?”

“Is that why? I always thought they just wanted us to suffer.”

“That too,” you giggle for a moment, before your smile fades. “But they weren’t totally unreasonable. Management has a different perspective than us, sometimes they know better than us because of their understanding of the industry. They can see things that we don’t.”

It’s clear that you’re no longer talking about air conditioning anymore. A lump seems to have formed in Chan’s throat when he recalls his conversation with Sana. Luckily, the two of you have just arrived and Chan forces himself to smile.

“We’re here,” he says, opening the door and motioning for you to enter ahead of him. “Welcome to Channie’s Room!”

“It’s cute!” you say as you step in. “Very… neat. It’s actually more spacious than it looks.”

“Oh,” Chan says, faltering in his steps for a second. “You- you’ve seen my studio?”

“In case you didn’t realise, you go live every week from said studio. I think at this point everyone in the K-pop industry and every K-pop fan has seen it,” you tease.

“Right, yeah. I didn’t- I wasn’t sure how much you kept up with that kind of stuff,” Chan stammers.

“K-pop or do you mean specifically Stray Kids?” you ask, tilting your head slightly.

“Either I guess," Chan shrugs.

"I will admit that it took me a while to get back into it," you say slowly. "I wasn't... in the best mindset after I left." Chan stays quiet, sensing that you're not quite finished. "I know that I disappeared and I am sorry for not reaching out. I wanted to, but I also didn't know how. I know that I hurt you. That it was cruel to avoid you, not reply to your messages, ignore your calls. I had my reasons why, but it doesn't excuse the pain that I caused, and I'm sorry for that too."

“I think,” Chan swallows hard. “I think that the most difficult part was that for the longest time, I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I asked Sana about it finally, after I saw you again. And I just felt so stupid to realise that it was obvious to everyone except me."

“I’m sorry,” you say again. “I wanted to tell you, of course I wanted to. But I also knew you. If I had told you that us being together was preventing your debut-”

“I wouldn’t have cared,” Chan finishes your sentence for you, starting to understand. “I would have done anything to keep you by my side.”

"Even if it meant throwing away your career," you say softly. "I couldn't let you do that to yourself. You worked so hard, how could I live with being the reason that you were stuck in the training rooms? You belong on stage, making music.”

"The part that I still don’t get though is why you left? You should have been able to debut as well, I know it."

“Ah,” you say wistfully. You look around and grab onto the pillow that’s on the couch beside you, fidgeting with it as you figure out what to say next. “You know, I actually was supposed to debut.”

“What? How come I never heard about it?” Chan feels a pang in his chest. All these years ago, the two of you had promised that the other would be the first person that they would tell if they ever found out that they had the chance to debut. It seemed that neither of them had kept their promise.

“It was supposed to be a secret project. JYP wanted to see how successful a surprise debut announcement would be. You should have seen the NDAs that they made us sign.” You shake your head, letting out a huff of air. “It turned out to be a good decision because it meant they could cancel it without anyone knowing that we existed in the first place.”

"Who was in the group?" Chan asks.

"There were five of us. I think you know all of them, Sumin, Ryujin, Sojin, and Hyowon," you list. You're right, Chan is either familiar with or has heard of all the girls that you mention. It doesn't make sense though, the group was filled with talented individuals and Chan can't think of any reason strong enough to lead to disbandment. Even more baffling is that of the five of you, only Ryujin ended up staying at the company long enough to join the lineup for another group.

"And they just cancelled it out of nowhere?"

“No... It was- I know that for any idol, preparing for debut is tough, but I think that in some ways, it’s especially brutal for the girl groups," you say instead. Chan doesn't question you further, knowing that you must have a point that you're trying to make.

“How so?” Chan has an idea, he’s seen what the female trainees went through, the differences in how they were evaluated and criticised. But he wants to hear it from you, wants to understand what you’ve been through.

“The visual aspect feels like it’s more heavily emphasised than our talent or skills. We were measured for our music video outfits the second they finalised the concept. It was really early on, but at the time I thought it was so exciting and fun that I didn’t question it. I think that all of us were so thrilled by the thought of debuting that we didn't think anything of it. We did our final fittings for it a few weeks before filming and they had made them all a size too small, everything was just a little bit too tight. They didn’t outright say it, but it was implied that they weren’t going to alter them. It was a choice to lose weight or our chance to debut was gone. We were devastated and angry and eventually just resigned. If that's what it took then I would do it. We dieted like crazy for the time leading up to filming,” you laugh, but it's in disbelief, the sound is hollow.

Paired with what you’re saying, it makes Chan want to burn the whole world down. He doesn't say anything, not sure if he can even open his mouth without letting his rage escape, something that you don't deserve.

“We were practising, like always," you continue. "There was a tricky step that needed to be fixed by the next day when we’d be recording, a flip that we hadn't quite mastered. I was the smallest one on the team, so I was the one being flipped. It must have been like 3 or 4 in the morning, we were all tired, hungry, and nervous about filming. Honestly, I don't quite remember what happened, it was all a blur. There was just this feeling that something went wrong and then pain."

You roll up the pants on your left leg and show off the skin there. Chan has to hold back a gasp at the sight. Even though it’s long healed, the scarring is extensive and obvious. Chan can't imagine how much it must have hurt.

“I broke my ankle in two places and sprained my wrist. I couldn't believe it, five years of my life just gone in an instant. It took months before I could walk and even longer before I could dance again. Even now, I can't dance anywhere close to the way that I used to," you say with a watery smile. “Sojinnie had a concussion from the fall and Suminnie dislocated her shoulder, I must have knocked into them or fallen onto them or something. What could we do? Three out of the five of us were out of commission, there was no time and no budget for a group that hadn’t even debuted to find replacements or re-record and re-film everything. I woke up after surgery and they told me that they were sorry, but my contract with the company was over. That someone had helped me pack up all my things in the dorm. I went back to Jeju-do as soon as I was released from the hospital.”

"I- I'm sorry that I didn't know," Chan says, clearing his throat roughly when his voice breaks partway through the sentence. " I wish that I could have been there, to help or comfort you. I should have-"

"Oppa," you respond gently. "It's okay. I didn't tell anybody what happened and the company also kept things quiet. I'm glad you didn't find out at the time. You had other, more important things to focus on, I didn't want to distract you from that."

"You're not a distraction," Chan says incredulously. "You're important to me, I would have dropped everything to be with you in such a difficult time."

"And that's exactly why I couldn't tell you. You've always been too good to me, Channie-oppa," you sniffle. "Look at you now! I'm so always proud when I think of how far you've come."

Chan lifts a trembling hand and carefully cups your face, using his thumb to wipe away a tear that has started making its way down your cheek. He hears your breathing hitch, but you don't object to his touch. If anything, you melt into it.

Chan takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around you, bringing you close. The gesture breaks the dam of tears that you must have been holding back. Chan rocks the two of you back and forth gently, just letting you cry and trying to surreptitiously wipe away his own tears. It takes a few minutes before you calm, taking huge shuddering breaths that break Chan's heart almost as much as your sobs had.

"I'm sorry," you say with a voice thick with emotion.

"Hey, no," Chan reassures you. "There's no need to apologise. Are you feeling better now?"

You nod slowly, head still pressed against Chan's chest.

"I think- I think I just missed you. I always thought it would get easier, not having you in my life, but it never did."

At your words, Chan can't help his arms from tightening, squeezing you close.

"I finally found you again," he says. "And this time, I promise that I won't ever let you go."

read it on ao3 | masterlist

𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝑺𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝑯𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔 (𝑩𝒂𝒏𝒈 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏)

𝑺𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔: 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒊𝒎𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆, 𝒖𝒏𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒘 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒖𝒑 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆… 𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝑩𝒂𝒏𝒈 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒙 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝑨𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒖𝒕𝒆, 𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒔 "𝒔𝒉𝒆" 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 2 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔

𝑨𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆: 𝑯𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔, 𝑰 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒂 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒐𝒏𝒆!!! 𝑰 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒏𝒋𝒐𝒚𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒕, 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 (Masterlist here)

Daddy issues

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: A simple phone call from your father and Chan's added anger makes you mentally crumble.

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 7.3K

Trigger warning: Parental issues, (specifically daddy issues) emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse, a bit of an unhealthy romantic relationship, anger, self-hatred, blood, self-harm, mentions and attempt of suicide via razor blade, and a panic attack.

A/N: Even without the request, I feel like this has been a long time coming. Please heed the trigger warnings. Please. Shout out to all the baddies out there with parental issues. Shout out to all the Chan stans with daddy issues. You're so strong, keep going, I believe in all of you <3

Requestee, I hope this leaves you satisfied. I don't think you ever said you were struggling, but just by this, it seems you are. I hope this helps you cope with whatever struggles you either have had or currently are facing in life.

I did change a few things around to fit the story more, but most of it's the same. I think I got everything you wanted in there, besides those few minor changes. I also experimented with time jumps which is new, but I think they were needed for this one. This is a long one, so buckle up and please enjoy!! <3

_ _ _

The words are thrown around without much thought. Daddy issues this and mommy issues that. People wear them like a badge of honor. Always seeking out other people that can fill the gaps that their parents left behind. Searching for temporary band-aids to cover wounds that need stitches to heal. 

Everyone wants to be perfect. Nobody wants to admit that the people who were supposed to love them the most fucked them up the worst. Nobody ever wants to admit that their nurture was ripped away before they ever got it. Cruelty swaddled them instead of sweetness. Neglect and despair instead of encouragement and understanding. Some people were doomed from the start. 

At twenty-two years old, you understood that your daddy issues were a noose around your neck, they were always there. A poking twine that pressed against your windpipe and jugular. All it took was a few words and the noose tightened. It was suffocating, it was restricting, and it was paralyzing. 

There was a devil and an angel on each shoulder. One was angry and smoldering. Smoke bellowed out of its ears and it was always ready to snap. The other was an angel, sweet and soft-spoken, constantly reassuring you that you had it better than most. Of course you did because, at least, you had a dad, right? 

Any dysfunctional relationship could cause a rocky conscience. You swore you were doomed from the start. You’d never fall in love. Nobody would be able to care about you in the way you wanted them to. At least, it was like that until Bang Chan. 

When Chan came into your life, you fell hard. You didn’t get a chance to stand before your knees were jerked out beneath you. He was strong, he was charming, he was dominating, and he was everything you wanted him to be. 

Being older meant he had more wisdom and more life experience. He was soaked with the knowledge that you craved. He understood you, he got you, and heading towards his later twenties, he was hesitant when you showed up. While you turned twenty-five, he’d be thirty. 

You didn’t let that stop you from wowing him. From caring about him with every fiber of your being, you would have given up everything to appease him and more. Hell, if he experienced organ failure, you’d cut yourself open without a second thought and rip it from your insides with a smile on your face. You were down bad, but your issues were still there. 

You were aware of them when you seeked out his validation. When you kept asking if he was sure he still loved you. You couldn’t shake everything that your father had ingrained in you, but you were still so desperate to fill that void. 

Some would say it’s weird, but you would say that you needed him to survive. You needed him. He was the air in your lungs and the familiar thump of your heart. You needed him as much as plants needed the sun. Like the Earth needed the moon and like bees needed pollen. You called it destiny whereas a few of your family members called it desperation, but they didn’t understand it. They just…didn’t get it. They had no idea what you had been through. They didn’t understand the gaping wounds that had yet to be stapled, but Chan got it instantly. 

He realized it after you swayed the conversation in another direction at the mention of your family. He knew it when fathers were brought up and the hurt flashed across your eyes. He knew it when you clung to him like a koala with fear and asked for clarification on his thoughts about you. 

You were damaged and he knew that. He didn’t mind because everyone had their issues and besides, at the end of the day, he still loved you as you were. He was thrilled to wrap his arms around you when you curled around him and point out everything he loves about you. 

From the squish of your soft cheeks, the curve of your nose, the shade of your eyes, and the way you dress, he loved it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he gave the relationship his all; you both did. No matter how much the guys joked that he was a silver fox, he always rolled his eyes and shook off their comments. They were just joking and he knew that deep down, the guys cared about you too. 

He knew a lot about you, but he didn’t realize just how much these issues bothered you. He didn’t realize that you were nearly suffocating yourself. Out of all the things he knew, he had no idea how much you silently suffered until you snapped. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The day started a lot like any other day. You went to work and by the time you finished, you found a text message from Chan announcing that he’d be at the studio later tonight. It was one of those days where the creative juices were overflowing and he wanted to get everything worked out before he forgot. 

You didn’t mind it and started to head home, but then you thought about the dimpled smile and sparkly eyes of Chan. God, you were utterly smitten. With a quick change of direction, you found yourself heading towards the JYP studio instead of your apartment. 

Give or take twenty minutes and you were walking into your second home. The JYP building truly has become your home away from home. You came here a lot to support Chan and the guys. It was strange having an extra person along, but eventually, they grew used to your antics. 

The guys accepted you with open arms and when you came around, they got excited. Sometimes you brought presents, like cookies. Other times, just your brief distraction sidetracked them from their ongoing issues. That temporary change of direction helped them sort out their issues quicker. 

You checked in at the front desk and pulled on your guest badge. It was a new system that the company had been doing after a sasaeng had managed to gain access to the building. If you were found roaming the halls without a pass or a security badge, you were instantly booted unless you could properly explain yourself. 

You tugged the lanyard over your head and practically skipped to the studio room. Upon knocking, the door opened to reveal Changbin. A grin pressed his cheeks up into points. “Hi!” 

“Hey,” you returned the smile, “is Ch-” 

He jerked the door open wider to reveal Chan in the background. Chan was directing whoever was in the booth. You picked up Felix’s deep voice in the background. Chan was sitting in a hoodie and a pair of navy blue basketball shorts. He bobbed his head along to the voice. 

“You can come in, just try to keep it down because we’re rec-” 

“You’ve got it.” 

He opened the wooden door wider and you stepped inside. In the booth, headphones were over Felix’s ears. His messy blonde hair had been pushed around by the band connecting the ear covers. 

His eyes focused on the lyrics as he sang. You slung your bag to the side and smiled as you saw Jeongin sitting on the opposite side of the couch. The two of you exchanged a wave and you quietly came to sit beside him on the opposite side. 

Changbin snuck back into the chair beside Chan and Felix continued to sing. After a few more seconds, Felix’s voice cracked and he stopped singing. “Fuck!” He cried out. 

“I don’t ever recall that being part of the song,” Jeongin mumbled. 

“Yeah, what Innie said,” Changbin agreed. 

Chan stopped the recording with a sigh. He pressed a button, so Felix could hear him in the booth. “Felix, is something wrong today? This is the fourth time your voice has cracked. Do you need us to change the lyrics or-” 

“No! No! No! Of course, I don’t need you to change the lyrics! It’s just the pitch of the song. It’s so high and I’m really trying my best here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it or not and oh-” His eyes brightened when he saw you. “When did you get here?” 

Chan shifted in his seat and blinked when he saw you behind him. You smiled softly at him. “Hi, baby.” 

“What are you doing here? I told you that I’d be home late.” 

“I know, but I just wanted to see you.” 

“I’m busy.” 

“I’m fully aware. I have no intention of stopping you from working. I’ll sit here silently without a peep. You won’t even know I’m here.” 

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled beneath his breath. 

Felix and Changbin both shot him a glare. Changbin’s fingers jabbed into Chan’s side. Chan was worked up and stressed because Felix wasn’t getting this part of the song. It wasn’t just Felix that had struggled, everyone was struggling. 

Chan had created the instrumentals of this song and thought it’d be a home run, but he hadn’t considered how much the pitch would be a struggle for some of the guys. He was frustrated because if they couldn’t reach the right note, the song would have to be scrapped and he was distracted by other songs he wanted to work on. 

Seungmin’s silky and strong vocals weren’t the same as Felix’s deeper tone. Han’s wide range of vocals wasn’t the exact same as what Minho was comfortable with. Songs could be challenging and this seemed to be the biggest challenge yet.

Luckily for you, you hadn’t heard Chan’s mumble because your phone vibrated in your hands. You swiped the screen before thinking and held the phone up to your ear. “Hello?” 

When Chan rolled his eyes, Changbin slapped him in the back of the head. “What is your issue today?” He whispered. “Knock it off and stop being an asshole.” 

“We’re busy and-” 

“So tell them to leave and don’t be an asshole about it.” 

“Easy for you to say, you don’t have a significant other always up your ass.” 

“You're the world’s biggest asshole right now and unless you want to lose them, I’d drop the attitude. Just because you’re frustrated, it doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. Use your words, you’re supposed to be the oldest in the room, so act like it.” 

“Oh, so you’re finally picking up the phone this time?” 

Your father’s voice in your ear caused your heart to sink to your stomach. The blood in your veins turned to ice. You shut your eyes before responding. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy recently and I-” 

“Busy my ass. You can text your mother, but not me? I was the one who created you and you still can’t be grateful for that. Without me, you’d be nothing.” 

“I’ve been texting the family group chat and I-” 

“You know damn well that I don’t give a shit about no family group chat!” 

You winced and pushed yourself up. Jeongin stared at you with a raised eyebrow. When you noticed, you flashed him a smile and held up a finger to let him know that you’d only be a minute. Before anyone could say anything, you disappeared outside the room and into the empty hallway. 

“What do you want?” 

“Is it a crime to want to know how my child is doing?” 

Your stomach twisted into thoughts as your father scoffed. A frown appeared on your face and, even though he couldn’t see you, you shook your head. 

“I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to find time to talk when we’re on different time zones and-” 

“Bullshit! You’re an ungrateful piece of shit! I gave you this goddamn life and you can’t even come visit! I have to find out from Google that you’re dating an idol! What have you told him? Why won’t he come visit?” 

“Nothing!” Your voice squeaked in shock. “I haven’t told him anything, he’s just so busy. He’s in a band and we-” 

“Then bring him down here, so your mother and I can meet him! What happened to respecting your parents? I didn’t even give you permission to date him!” 

As his voice raised louder, you tugged the phone away from your ear. A lump began to form in your throat as curse words were thrown your way. You shut your eyes and waited for him to calm down. Your hands were shaking as you mumbled into the phone. 

“I think I’m losing reception, I’ll call you back in a while.” 

“Don’t you fucking hang up on m-” 

The click ended his words before he got out the sentence. All at once, the weight of everything fell on top of you. Insult after insult wormed deeper and deeper into your brain. You wanted, you needed, to speak to Chan. You weren’t strong enough to deal with this on your own yet. 

You shoved your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and pushed the door open. Felix was singing again and your fingers curled into your palms. “Chan?” Your voice came out hoarse. “Can we talk for a moment?” 

The sound of your voice caused Jeongin to look up with a face full of worry. Even Changbin glanced behind his shoulder to check on you. When Felix caught Changbin’s head turning, he looked up to find you rapidly blinking back tears. His singing stopped and Chan’s fist flew into the desk. 

The rattling of the desk shook your soul. It started everyone, but you the most. Suddenly, you were five years old again in the back of your father’s van. You were weak and vulnerable. Defenseless, there was nothing you could do as your father’s wrath expanded along the four locked doors. 

You sucked it in and you couldn’t breathe. Your heart hammered in your chest, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing you could do. You were five and yet the anger of a thousand angry men was cast at you. 

It vibrated the marrow in your bones. The strands of your heart strings curled inward. Your childlike curiosity shattered in the backseat. Stay quiet, don’t utter a word, just take the yelling. Like a deer in headlights, you were trapped. 

It funneled down your throat and created a lump. Crocodile tears appeared in your eyes. You sniffled and your bottom lip shook, you were alone once more. Alone in the thunder and anguish; the swirl of one man’s anger. 

A flower in the middle of a tornado. Thrown, chucked, depetaled. Ripped from the stem and crushed between the winds. At the end, you were ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Not even the thorns of your own stem could save you. 

“Goddammit! Why can’t you just go home? I’m trying to work here and you’re ruining it! I don’t have time for you right now! Go home and I’ll deal with your bullshit later. This is my career we’re talking about!” 

The song’s soft instrumentals faded in the background as the song ended. You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks. It stung more than you ever would have imagined. The words were a sharp sting to your cheek. The noose of daddy issues choked you again and you couldn’t breathe. 

“See you later,” you mumbled as you tipped your head down and rushed towards the door. You pawed at your tears and rushed into the hall and down the corridor to head home. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Changbin snapped. 

“We’re working!” 

“And they were crying! If you would have taken five seconds to look behind you, you would have-” 

“Don’t try to guilt trip me! It’s bullshit! I probably hurt their feelings. Whatever. We have work to do. I’ll apologize later.” 

While the two bickered, Jeongin stepped up and disappeared out the door to try and find you. Whatever you were struggling with, it hadn’t been good. Chan’s outburst had only made it worse and he knew that. He saw the terror in your eyes when the other person responded on the opposite end of the phone.

Felix looked from Chan’s angry face to Changbin’s scowl. When he caught Jeongin rushing out the door after you, his confusion only grew. “What’s happening?” He asked into the microphone. 

Chan slammed his hand down on the button, so Felix could hear him. “Don’t worry about it. Get out of the booth, we’re going to take five.” 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

As you walked home in the whipping wind, your hair tangled around your head. It blocked your vision and the gray skies added to your warped reality. It felt like everyone and everything was against you. 

That was the one fatal flaw with humans. When we enter a dark mindset, it’s the only thing we think about. The only thing we feel is the harsh and back-breaking weight of the world on our shoulders. The clouds close in and all feels lost as the rain pours down. 

You walked quickly with your head down. Keeping to the sidewalks, you were nearly running. You were moving so fast that by the time Jeongin made his way outside the studio, you were already halfway down the road. He wanted to talk to you, but he didn’t want to frighten you. He kept his pace brisk, but he didn’t run. 

He loved Chan for a wide variety of reasons, but he couldn’t believe he had just snapped at you like that. Of course, Chan was angry when he was mad, but this wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. 

You sniffled and kept rushing as the wind cupped your ears. You were hollow on the inside. That faint flicker of light inside you had been kept going by Chan. It wasn’t the best idea to depend on one person to make you happy, but you didn’t know what else to do. 

Your biggest fear has finally come true, everyone hates you. Maybe not to your face, but you can feel it. The bitter hatred that’s so vitriol, it’s rancid. A hatred that’s thicker than oil and stickier than jam. 

You were looking at assumptions, not facts, but your brain was set in stone. No one would be able to save you now. You had fallen far from grace. Your issues had poisoned you from the start. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t meant for any of this life. 

Perhaps, you would take a chance and try again in the next. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When Jeongin knocked, you didn’t respond. He shoved the hair out of his face and tried again. When you didn’t respond to the softer knocks, he knocked harder. When you didn’t respond to that, he held his breath and turned the knob to your apartment. 

Breaking and entering wasn’t something he would have liked to go to jail for, but could you blame him? He knew you were hurting and he couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone and sobbing. 

Chan’s words to you had been far too cruel. Sure he was angry, but anyone in the right state of mind would have realized that something was terribly wrong with you. It was a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t shake. 

His brain was screaming at him to leave as he silently ventured further into the apartment. One step into the hall and then another. He didn’t bother with the common courtesy of kicking off his shoes. 

The place smelled like sweet citrus. It was a familiar scent that had belonged to you since he had known you. Once upon a time, Chan marveled at how much you adored citrus. If only he would have been here now. 

The carpeted hall felt too silent. The living room was too empty as he stepped out into it. Bookshelves filled with books, a coffee table with the TV remote, photographs of Chan and the rest of the band on the back wall. Your friends were your everything and so was Chan. 

Where were the photos of your family, he wondered. It was such a simple thought, but it flew by just as quick. Your presence was here, but yet you weren’t. Where were you at? 

He softly called your name and stepped by the coffee table. The bar table in the kitchen had been left abandoned. The hum of the fridge caused his heart to strum faster. There was an eeriness that he just couldn’t shake. 

Every fiber of his being was wound up. Loose floorboards creaked beneath his feet. He was sure that he had seen you enter your apartment. From a distance, he watched your figure fumble for house keys and stumble inside. Your hands brushed past your face and he was positive you were wiping away the tears that kept blurring your vision. 

He called your name a little louder, but there was no response. His mouth dipped into a frown and he uttered your name again when a faint whimper caught him off guard. His spine stood erected as he waited for another sound, but it never came. 

As he approached the room it came from, he was prepared for sobs. He was prepared for tears. He was prepared for the anguish that came with it, but he wasn’t expecting the bright red that began to seep beneath the bathroom door. 

His heart stopped and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense. The circuit of his brain had stumbled across a trip. Something cut out and his brain whirled trying to reboot. 

A scream ripped from his lungs as he rushed towards the bathroom and there you were. You didn’t stop. You didn’t even care or notice that he was there. 

Full of self-hatred, you were cutting, no. You were sawing it out of you bit by bit. They don’t tell you that when you hate yourself, there is no pain in self-harm. It’s a dangerous sweet release. The stinging and burning sensation fills you with a sense of euphoric triumph. Self-mutilation feels like bliss and the cold blade in your hand feels like a friend. In some twisted way, it can be the best thing you ever feel. 

There was blood everywhere. It dripped from the slices in your wrist. It saturated your clothes and it was all over the bathroom floor. Maybe you tripped and fell. Maybe you were set on killing yourself. Maybe you just snapped. 

Human skin is so thin that it can easily be penetrated by a single piece of paper. So small, so little, and yet the fiery ache of pain is felt everywhere all at once. You couldn’t feel the fire in your arm. Gone into shock, your body had blocked you from feeling anything. 

You weren’t even aware of Jeongin’s presence until he grabbed your arm. Your bloodshot eyes were watery as they met his concerned russet ones. “Please, stop,” he whispered. 

With a snarl, you jerked your arm away from him. You started to scream and lash out. He grabbed your hand and pinned you down again. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” You yelled. 

“Please, please, please stop.” His voice wavered. He was terrified for you and he didn’t want to make it worse. He knew how much Chan’s yelling earlier upset you. He didn’t want to trigger you further. 

“Leave me alone!” Your shrill voice cracked from desperation. “Get off! Let go!” 

“No!” 

You swiped the blade down with your hand, nearly cutting him in the process. Your head bucked as you tried to free yourself. He ducked his head with a yelp. 

He shoved your bleeding body back onto the floor. Your free hand flew up, in an attempt to stop yourself, but it didn’t work. Your brain rattled around your skull as you were blinded by the sudden pain of it all. 

Jeongin panicked as he desperately used the code word to activate the voice command on his phone. When you heard “call Bang Chan,” you lost it even more. 

“Stop it!” He begged as you squirmed again. Your hands flailed and you yelled back. 

Back and forth back and forth, you refused to let go of the blade. You gripped it so hard that you didn’t care that the sharpened blade cut into your opposite palm. You were fighting tooth and nail to keep a tight grip on it. You weren’t going to let go. Not even Jeongin, one of your closest friends, could save you from the demons in your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

In the studio, Chan was ready to slam his head into the wall himself. Changbin was non-stop lecturing him and once Felix found out, Felix was also up his ass. Nobody seemed to understand that they had a job to do. 

When his phone rang, he used it as an excuse to leave the pair angrily grumbling to themselves. He stepped out the studio door, just as you had. He let out a sigh before he swiped and answered the call. “What do you want, Innie?” 

A thump responded along with a yell. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I.N? What are you-” 

“Put it down! Put the blade down! Stop it!” 

His heart suddenly turned to ice. “I.N?” He whispered. “What is hap-” The response that you gave nearly dropped him to his knees. 

“No one cares! Just let me die!” 

He suddenly felt like he was about to projectile vomit. His stomach churned and twisted and the world felt a little blurry. “What is happening?” He raised his voice and began to yell at the phone. “Jeongin?” 

“Alexa, speaker phone!” Jeongin cried out. “Chan, I can’t stop them! Please! I need you! I don’t know what to do! They won’t stop hurting themselves!” 

The world stopped tilting on its axis. The seconds froze in time. His breath caught in the echo-chamber of his lungs. “No,” he whispered. Tears pricked in his eyes and he suddenly rushed down the hall. 

“Don’t let them die! Do you hear me, Innie? Don’t let them die!” 

He flew out of the JYP building like a bat out of hell. He clutched his phone, now on its own speaker phone. This path that he used to practically skip after work because he was so excited to see you. Now it could potentially be the path to your corpse. 

“Fuck!” He cried out as the struggle continued on the other end of the phone. 

“C-Chan?” You croaked weakly. “I don’t wanna do it anymore. I-I can’t.” 

Guilt swallowed him whole. He could barely breathe as he ran. “Baby? Baby, can you hear me? It’s okay. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?” 

“You hate me.” 

“I could never hate you. I took it out on you earlier and I’m sorry.” His head jerked as he made sure he was pursuing the correct street. His footsteps thudded on the pavement. 

“Listen to me, I need you to drop the blade. Can you do that to me? Listen to Innie and drop the blade. I’m coming, okay? I’m nearly there, just listen to my voice.” 

To Jeongin’s relief and Chan’s surprise, there was a soft clatter as you released the blade from your hand. You were exhausted after fighting with Jeongin and the blood was starting to become tacky against your skin. 

You hated the murky feeling that it left behind. Every movement of your wounded palm oozed more blood. Jeongin panted over your body. Your arms were pinned to your sides as he straddled you. 

His own body was painted in your blood. Bright red handprints smeared across his white shirt. His light pair of blue jeans seeped it up like a sponge. There were even fingerprints staining his cheek from where you had swiped your hand at him. 

“I’m almost there, I’m coming to the house right now. Where are you? What room?” 

“Bathroom!” 

Chan burst through the door and into the bathroom. His heart dropped when he found you pinned and nearly half unconscious. Blood was all over the floor. It was smeared against the bathroom cabinets and the tub. 

Jeongin never took his eyes off you. He was too afraid that you’d find the blade again and do something worse. Chan ended the call and stepped over the puddle of blood leading into the bathroom. 

He softly called your name and stepped beside you. Your eyes weakly met his. He felt like he was going to burst into tears. His knees buckled and he sank down beside you. He didn’t waste time grabbing a wet rag and shifting beside Jeongin. 

“Innie, I’ve got it from here, go call an ambulance.” 

Jeongin hesitated, but finally nodded and stepped out of the bathroom. Before he left, he kicked off his shoes, so he didn’t trample blood into the rest of the house. 

The realization of your situation sent shocks of electricity buzzing through your skull. “Fuck,” you muttered. Tears began to build up in your eyes and they trickled down your face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-” 

“Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Just try to save your strength, okay?” 

“I didn’t mean to,” your voice came out shrill. 

“I know, it’s okay.” 

“No, it’s not.” 

The lining of your lungs seemed to thicken as you struggled to breathe in. You squeezed your eyes shut, but it felt like breathing through a straw. Your brain had expanded with every wrong thought and now you were suffering. 

“Baby?” Chan whispered. He leaned forward closer to you and placed his hand over the razor blade, so you couldn’t see it. “What happened? What’s going on?” 

“Can’t breathe.” 

“Panic attack?” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” 

“M-my dad,” your voice wavered. “I can’t-” 

“You don’t have to talk.” 

“Not a good relationship.” 

“Is that who called you earlier?” His eyebrows furrowed with worry. “I assumed, but I didn’t know for sure.” He reached down and pushed a bit of hair from your face. 

“He’s not good. H-he yells a-and-” You hiccuped, “abusive.” 

“Oh, honey…I didn’t know. I-I was just so frustrated earlier, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean to upset you and I-” 

“I don’t feel good,” your eyes drooped further. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby, listen to me!” Not caring about the blood, Chan cupped your face. “Don’t you dare give up! Stay with me!” 

The last thing you heard were his desperate pleas as your eyes rolled back into your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When you finally came back home from the hospital, Chan forbade you from going to your apartment alone. Instead, he was nice enough to open up his dorm for you to use temporarily. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was a manageable one for now. 

Ever since you regained consciousness, everything had been so foggy, but you remembered bits and pieces. You remembered the wine colored blood and the fear on Jeongin’s face. You remember being unable to breathe and the desperation of Chan’s voice. 

Maybe some part of you was glad that you couldn’t remember the entire thing. You weren’t sure that you wanted to remember traumatizing your boyfriend and your friend, at least, not the specific details. 

Your hospital stay had ended up turning into a week-long stay. It turns out the hospitals don’t play when it comes to suicide attempts. You didn’t even try to deny it. There was a tender hurt inside of you that you had no clue how to fix. 

It was a surprise when things that the mandated therapists were saying made sense. Sure, you knew things were wrong, but to hear validation from people, it made you feel a tiny bit better. 

When you left, you promised to come back. There were parts of you that really did want to heal from all of this. You never wanted to put anyone through this ever again. When clarity came through at the hospital, you realized you didn’t really want to die, you just wanted the self-hatred festered inside your being to stop. 

You wanted the negative energy to cease and you wanted to be loved. You wanted to be healed in ways you didn’t know how to heal. You wanted a lot of things and the therapists had promised that if you came back, they could start to help you turn things around, but you had to consciously make that decision. 

You yourself had to focus on your own healing. It was hard and it was difficult. Healing is one of the hardest things a person can do for themselves, but it can be so rewarding. You don’t have to let your demons win. 

“Fight back. Raise hell. Don’t let them win.” It was something another patient had said during a mandated group therapy. “I’m tired of letting the negative thoughts in my brain win. I want to live. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live.” 

The more the people talked, the more you realized that you had some of what they were missing. Sure, your parents weren’t the best, but you had friends. You had a significant other. You had little things that some people craved. 

For most of your time spent at the hospital, you were lost in your thoughts. You had barely uttered a few words to Chan. When Jeongin came in, you nearly collapsed into tears apologizing over and over again for scaring him. 

He insisted it was fine, but you knew it wasn’t. Nothing you could do could ever take back the damage that you had given him. The nightmares, the trauma, it’d be something he might have to live with forever. Sure, it’d fade, but for now, it stuck to the back of his head like glue. 

“So…” Chan’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. The two of you were standing in the dorm living room. He had sent the rest of the guys over to the other dorm, so you could settle in. “Welcome to your new temporary home.” 

This place really was your home. You had been here time after time again. These walls just might have known you better than your own apartment did. You glanced around and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“I cleared out my room, so you can have it.” 

“We’re not sharing?” 

“I didn’t think you’d want to.” 

Your hands tugged at the sleeves of your long sleeve shirt. Your fingers curled into them. The damage to your arm was so bad that doctors had a hard time fixing all the damage. They had also been concerned about infection since the wounds were so deep and there were multiple of them. 

You played with the hems trying to find words to say. “I’m sorry,” you finally got out, “for everything.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“It is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with things in a healthy way. I’ve been handling a lot on my own and I broke down. I snapped in the worst way possible. The doctors called it a nervous breakdown.” 

“You know I’m not mad at you, right?” 

“Maybe you should be.” 

He shook his head, “I could never be mad at you.” 

You lowered yourself to the faux leather couch behind you and slowly took in a deep breath. “I have a lot of issues and I’ve always known they were there. I just…” You shrugged, “I didn’t think something like this would happen. I’ve struggled with self-harm before, but I snapped.” 

He sat across from you and shifted his body to face you. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you that day. I shouldn’t have ye-” 

“You were stressed and upset, it happens sometimes.” 

“That doesn’t make it right.” 

“The therapist says I have parental issues from my father and it has affected me in a variety of ways. In fact, she said it’s why I’m probably dating you.” 

“What’s wrong with our relationship?” 

“She said I need to stop leaning on you to fill the void that my dad left behind and I hate that she’s right.” 

“Oh…” His face fell. “So does that mean we’re breaking up?” 

“Do you want to?” 

He shook his head. “I don’t, but what about you? What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t wanna break up either.” 

“So…” 

“So I’ll attend therapy and work on my issues. I’ll attempt to stop relying on you to make me happy because it’s not healthy.” 

“Yeah…” 

There was an awkwardness between you. Neither knew what to say and nobody wanted to harm the other. Chan finally broke the silence. “Can I hold you?” 

You shifted and crawled over towards him. He was careful of the stitches in your palm and in your opposite arm. You curled into his lap and he pulled you to his chest. Your head leaned against the familiar thump of his heartbeat. “I missed you,” you mumbled. 

“I miss you too.” His lips kissed the top of your head. Your sweet scent engulfed him. He leaned his chin on your head and shut his eyes. The warmth of your body was enough to set his soul ablaze. 

“My dad wasn’t a good man,” you finally mustered the courage to talk about it. “He called me at the studio and I didn’t read the caller ID. I just wanted to see you after a long day. When I left and went outside, he just started yelling and getting upset.”

“He’s verbally abusive and a hothead. Ever since I was a kid, he gets angry easily and he can’t control it. He throws things, he swings, and he’d destroy my things. I lived my life in so much fear because he’d threaten to disown me. My family never did anything about it, they just let it happen.” 

Chan’s hand went to your back. He soothingly rubbed it while you spoke. “I had no idea.” 

“I felt like I shouldn’t talk about it because some people don’t have fathers. I should be grateful that I even have a father and I-” 

“You don’t have to be grateful to someone who frightens you and makes you hate yourself. That’s not what a father should be. I probably enhanced your fight or flight instinct when I yelled at you, I’m so sorry.” 

“Every time I talk to him, I feel miserable. All of them, I’m so angry at all of them.” 

“You don’t have to continue putting yourself through any of that. You don’t have to talk to the people that make you miserable. Please don’t keep putting yourself through all this distress, baby.” 

“I just want to be happy.” 

“And I have no doubt that you’ll get there soon, sweetheart. When you’re feeling at your worst, you don’t have to turn to self-harm. You can come find me, yeah? I’ll always be here for you. Now that I know what’s wrong, I’ll be sure to never act like I did that day. I don’t want to lose you.” 

His arms tightened around your body and his lips found the top of your head again. “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’d be devastated if you weren’t here. If you ever feel like that, come find me and I’ll distract you.” 

“But that’s such a burden for you to carry.” 

“It’s not a burden if I love you.” 

You finally picked your head up and looked at him with teary eyes. His own eyes were similar as they looked at you. Without asking, you leaned forward and your lips connected. 

It was pure bliss…until it wasn’t. The front door to the dorm slammed open. The crack of it into the wall sent both of you pulling away from each other. 

Hwang Hyunjin sashayed into the room with a pair of sunglasses, a towel around his neck, and a blue pool noodle over his shoulders. “Surprise, bitches!” 

“Hyung, you have no manners,” Jeongin grumbled as he stepped in behind him. When his eyes found you, he beamed. “Hi!” He waved excitedly and rushed towards the two of you. 

Minho stepped inside, grabbed the pool noodle from Hyunjin, and bonked him on the head with it. “You insensitive fuck! I told you they couldn’t swim due to stitches!” 

“Ow!” 

Minho bonked him again. “You’re lucky you’re getting a pool noodle to the head and not a fist to your pretty face.” He glanced over at you and grinned. “Sup?” 

Chan sighed and kept his arms clamped around your back. “I’m so sorry about them. I didn’t have time to tell you that I invited all of them over to hang out for a game night and maybe some movies. We can order your favorite foods and w-” 

“Hyung, look at all my snacks!” 

“Mine too!” 

Han and Felix walked inside with grocery bags full of snacks. They wasted zero time going to the coffee table and dumping them out. The pair beamed happily as they waited for your approval and you managed a soft smile. 

“You two waste zero time making messes, don’t you? Hey,” Seungmin called out and he nodded towards you. “Glad you’re not dead. I can’t wait to-” 

The sound of Changbin screaming your name at the top of his lungs caused your eyes to widen in shock. Thunderous footsteps sounded from the porch and rushed inside. Changbin rushed in grinning with his arms outstretched. He was getting closer and closer until a pool noodle slammed into his face. 

He stumbled back dazed and Minho rolled his eyes. He handed the pool noodle back to Hyunjin and shook his head. “You are all unbelievable. You have zero manners.” 

“Strike,” Seungmin mumbled beneath his breath. 

You snorted which caused him to glance over and grin. 

“This is okay with you, right?” Chan glanced down at you. “If it’s too much, I can ask them to go back and I-” 

You shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m not sure about participating in games, because uh…” You gently shifted your bandaged arm hidden beneath your long sleeves. “Movie night and food sounds wonderful.” 

“Ya-hoo!” Changbin cheered. “Let’s get this party started.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Oh, snacks!” 

“Ah, ah, ah!” Minho ripped the pool noodle from Hyunjin’s hand and bonked him on the head again. A scowl filled Changbin’s face. “Let the guest pick first.” 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Hit him one more time and he’s going to lose the last brain cell he has,” Seungmin complained. 

“Yeah!” Hyunjin agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Minho bonked Hyunjin over the head. He groaned and slumped into the recliner behind him. “Channie, hyung, he’s beating me up! He’s killing my brain cells too!” 

“You idiot,” I.N huffed, “you don’t even have any to lose!” 

“Hey!” 

“So how have you been?” Felix asked as he got on his knees beside the couch. “Do you want a snack? Do you want to play Animal Crossing?” 

“Or we could watch an anime?” Han offered with a cheeky smile. “Whatever you’re up for, we’re down with.” 

“Exactly, whatever you want, babe.” Chan rubbed your back with some reassurance. “The guys and I got you.” 

“Can I just observe you interacting with each other? There’s plenty of humor in that and I-” 

“Oh, sure!” Minho beamed. He lifted up the pool noodle with a smirk. “Sit back and watch me play whack-a-mole.” 

“Wait a minute!” 

“Hey!” 

“Don’t you dare!” 

Without another word, Minho grinned as he started to take turns whacking the guys’ heads.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi

Masterlist

Requests, taglist, and inbox rules

My heart 🥹❤️

Open Heart

❣ Summary: When you don't know what to say or do, when life starts living you, you can always rely on Chris to bring you back. ❣  ❣ Word Count: 3.2k ❣ Warnings: Mental breakdown, existential crisis, implied panic attack, angst, fluff, comfort, crying, Supportive BF! Chris, Reader is a mess mentally and emotionally, discussions of family, careers, life, and the future, self doubt, self deprecation, mentioned disassociation ❣  ❣ Female! Reader [No use of Y/N] | You/Your pronouns ❣  ❣ Additional Tags: Chan is referred to as Chris, Channie, Baby, Christopher, and Christopher Bahng [wowie], Reader is referred to as Princess, Baby, Love, Sweet Girl, this is the one that's personal so I'm sorry if you can relate but also you're not alone ❣ Stray Kids Masterlist ❣ General Masterlist

“Yeah, dad, I know... Mhm... No, I haven’t heard back from them yet, but it’s only been a week since I applied so... Yeah, I know…”

You paced the living room of your apartment, holding your phone to your ear as you did your best to tame the headache brewing in your head. 

“I know you do, it’s just - there’s so many things I can do with my degree, I’m just trying to figure out what I want to do... I know... Yeah... Okay... Talk to you later... Love you too, bye.” 

Ending the call, you tossed your phone onto the couch with a heavy sigh - the weight of the world piling on top of stress already weighing on your shoulders. 

Everything sucked - almost as if the world was out to get you for simply existing; years of doing what was right, doing what you were supposed to, only for you to still feel like you weren’t doing enough. 

People pleasing. 

A wave of guilt made your stomach turn, tears stinging behind your eyes as you stood in the silence, yet it still felt so loud. 

You knew your dad meant well, your parents meant well, your family meant well, but every question, every poorly veiled nudge of ‘What’s your next big move going to be? You’ve been stagnant for so long.’ ate at your psyche at every turn. You felt like you did everything; you graduated high school in the high percentage of your class, you went to college, you graduated as a first generation student after five excruciatingly long years - yet through all that they still wanted more from you. 

A pleasure to have known. You have so much potential.

If you had a dime for the amount of times you’ve heard those words, you would’ve been a millionaire by now. 

A shaky breath rattled in your chest as you sighed, your hands rising to cup your rapidly heating face. “Fuck... F-Fuck.”

Your vision blurred, salty tears stinging your eyes before burning fiery trails down your cheeks with no signs of stopping. 

When was it going to be enough? When were you going to be enough? 

Your breath hitched, choking on a sob that your body refused to let go - not now, not right now. You were still young, you had so much potential - so why did it feel like you were being rushed? Why did it feel like everyone saw some invisible clock above you, counting down the days until you’d become useless? 

Wasted potential - those words always used to scare you, the famous buzzwords of any educator wanting to instill proper work ethic in their students; the future of the workforce. 

Wasted potential - that’s what you were beginning to feel at your 9-5; a quaint little job you kept throughout your final semester, something that got the bills paid and kept a little more in your savings. 

Wasted potential - that’s what you felt when your days began blending together, when you realized disassociation was your coping mechanism until your mouse hovered over ‘clock out’. 

You wanted to do so much, so much, but there was never enough time in the day - they were never ideas that would earn you a proper living wage, a career path your family wouldn’t agree with. 

Your body shook as a sob finally tore through your silent cries, your head throbbing as air tried to force its way into your lungs - crying never used to hurt like this.

Your world spun, it felt like time froze while speeding up, but all you could do was cry - stand in your living room and cry like a reprimanded child because you weren’t doing what you were supposed to. 

“Princess?” 

Your eyes snapped open behind your fingers, quickly registering a bigger, warmer pair wrapping around your wrists. 

“Baby, can you hear me?” 

Guilt. 

Chris was home early, and instead of relaxing like he deserved, he now had to tend to you - crying over the same thing you cried over four months ago. 

He felt you tense, he could see the spiral of overthinking, and his grip tightened, “Hey, hey, it’s just me - it’s just me, princess.” 

You sniffled, biting back another sob as you shook your head, “’M s-sorry-” 

“Shh, don’t apologize - you don’t have to apologize, not to me, not for this.” 

Understanding - he was always so good at that, making sure you knew you weren’t the problem of anything; he always joked he got better at it from you. 

Another wave of tears surged through you, nearly making you double over at the rush of fresh emotions popping off in your brain, your jaw tensing as you tried to stifle the illegible babbling falling from your lips. 

“I- It’s- I can’t- And- It’s just so-” 

Chris pulled you into his chest, one arm wrapping around your shoulders while the other cradled the back of your neck, his thumb rubbing circles just behind your ear. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay - I’m here, you’re okay.” 

He blinked away his own tears, the sounds of your cries breaking his heart when he entered the apartment, and now the feeling of your body shaking against his like a fall leaf utterly tearing him apart inside. 

You weren’t sure how long you both stood there, him whispering words of comfort in your ear while you stained his black hoodie with your tears, but you slowly came out of your breakdown with uneven breaths - your hands holding onto his hoodie as if he was your lifeline. 

He was your lifeline.

“Can we go to the bedroom, princess? Can we manage that?” He cooed softly, a soft smile settling on his lips as he felt you nod. “Okay, we’ll go slow, yeah?” 

True to his word, he slowly led you into the bedroom with shuffling steps, noting how you clung to him like a baby koala, as if you separated from him at any point you’d float away into space. 

Sitting on the bed first, he scooted toward the middle of the mattress and you quickly followed suit; crawling toward him before laying your head on his chest, tangling your legs with his while he pulled you into his side. 

It was quiet, save for the occasional hiccuped breath and sniffle, the sound of his heartbeat slowing the thudding in your own head, the rise and fall of his chest reminding you how to breathe again.

“Love?” 

You hummed softly, your free hand nonchalantly playing with the drawstring of his hoodie. 

“Wanna talk about what happened?” 

Dropping your hand to lay flat on his chest, you took a deep breath to fight back another round of tears threatening to come out. “I... My dad called to check in, see how we were doing and all... He wanted to know if I found a different job yet, one that uses my degree, and I told him I hadn’t.” Swallowing thickly, you squeezed your eyes shut as you continued, “He’s worried that I’m not using my full potential, that I’m not getting paid what I should - and I don’t blame him, really, I went to college for a reason and everything, but it just feels like I'm being rushed into making another decision I’m not ready for." 

“Another decision like picking your major?” Chris chimed in - he’d remembered you telling him about your realization of wanting to switch majors in your junior year, but ultimately choosing not to since you were close to graduating at the time. 

You nodded, “I know he means well, I love my dad, I love my family, but it just feels like they don’t understand that I'm just...tired. I’m so, so tired that the idea of getting a new job - when I’ve only been at this one for just over a year - makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Fuck, the fact that I’ve been at this job for a year makes my skin crawl because this isn't what I want.”

Picking mindlessly at a few cotton pills collected on the fabric of his hoodie, a heavy sigh escaped you, “I feel like all I’ve been doing my whole life is performing for other people, catering to other people, to the point that I don’t even know who I am. I’ve always been told all these great things about myself, but-” A hot tear rolled across the bridge of your nose, “I don’t believe them, at all. Everyone sees all this potential in me and it drives me crazy because I don’t see potential in myself.”

Your name rolled off of his tongue softly, with so much care and gentleness that it made your heart hurt more because he’d been part of the crowd singing your praises and you practically confessed that you didn’t believe him. 

“Princess, my sweet, sweet girl…” 

“C-Chris, I’m-” 

“Please,” he cut you off with a gentle squeeze, “you already know what I’m gonna say if the next words out of that pretty mouth of yours are ‘I’m sorry’.”

Sighing softly, you accepted that fate as his right hand slid down your arm to take your hand in his, another gentle squeeze to remind you that he’s right here. 

“I just... I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

“Well,” Chris hummed softly, taking in the way your smaller fingers threaded between his own, “what is it you want to do?” 

It was almost as if you stopped breathing, guilt and shame swirling around in your head at his question - the golden question everyone had, but never got the full answer to. 

“...open heart?” 

This time it was Chris’s turn to falter, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of your tear stained face. “Open heart, princess, always.” 

Open heart, something you’d both established years ago in your relationship as a way of asking for full attention - reestablishing that you both were in a safe space with zero judgment, remaining heart to heart with one another. 

“I-” You paused, fighting against the will of your mind wanting to keep yourself protected, from being seen. “I... I don't want to do anything…”

Before he even had the chance to breathe, you jumped into the defensive, “A-And I know that’s stupid- I’m in such a position so early on in my life and there’s so much I can do, but, baby, I’m at a point right now that I can’t see myself working a 9-5 for the next month, let alone another 40-or so years of my life!” Panic quickly began to set in as your thoughts ran a mile a minute, your brain begging you to stop but your heart pleading for you to get rid of this weight. “I can’t be a girl boss, I don’t want to be independent, I-I just wanna be taken care of and loved and supported - I wanna take care of all the things at home and be the one helping you reset after those stressful days. I wanna learn about myself and my hobbies and discover what kind of person I really am underneath all of these learned traits. And I’m sorry, I know, it’s pathetic, it’s shameful, it’s selfish to want to put all of this onto you-” 

The sound of your name falling firm from his lips stopped you in your tracks, your blood running cold as you laid as still as you could be against him. 

“Open heart means we can’t speak for each other, remember that rule?” His tone was softer, light and teasing, quelling the tinge of fear spoiling every word you spoke as you nodded. “Okay, good - now, can I say something, or would you like to continue?” 

“Please say something, Channie.” 

“Alright, first and foremost, don’t ever, ever call anything you want ‘stupid’ - your desires are what make you you, and that includes wanting that 24-inch green matcha squishmallow.” 

He felt your body shake - short laugh, a huff of air, a sign that he was breaking through.

“Second, I don’t think you wanting to be provided for is pathetic or shameful or selfish - it takes a strong person to admit that, and at the end of the day I think that’s what everyone wants in their own special form; somewhere they feel safe, cared for, loved. And, you’re not putting it all on me,” he felt you tense, but his hand held firm to yours, “because I want to be that for you. I want to provide for you, take care of you, handle all the things that are too big and scary for you to figure out on your own. I want to give you the freedom to explore and be yourself, pursue what you want and don’t want to do - and if that makes you ‘selfish’ then, princess, I’m the most selfish person of them all.”

“You-” your voice cracked, throat raw and sore, “You don’t mean that, baby, please-”

“C’mere.” He huffed, pulling you up with him as he sat up before tapping your thigh, signaling for you to sit on his lap - and once you were situated, he cupped your face in his hands, “I would never lie to you, you hear me? Since the day we met I knew I wanted to do everything in my power to care for you, even when we were just friends and you would join the kids in teasing me about how old I was even though you weren’t too far off yourself.” 

Your pouted lips morphed into a sad smile and he had to stop himself from cooing over how cute you looked, even with puffy eyes and an even puffier face.

“Plus, I’ve been taking care of seven other people for the better half of five years, what makes you think I don’t want to do the same for the love of my life?”

Teary eyes searched his for any sign of dishonesty, but all you found was overflowing truth and love, a fresh breath of acceptance cooling your lungs like drinking ice water after eating a mint.

“Open heart?” You murmured softly, taking his hands in your own before pulling them off of your, embarrassingly sore, face.

He nodded, ducking his head to press a fleeting kiss to your knuckles.

“I was always a little jealous of you, you know that?”

“Me?!” 

The shocked squeak in his voice made a giggle, a genuine giggle, bubble up inside of you and you nodded in earnest. 

“Yeah, you. I always felt like I was so far behind everyone around me when it came to having their passions in order, having their lives in order, and when I met you all I could think about was how sure of yourself you were - how you were able to follow through and actually do what you love for a living not only because people around you supported you, but because you believed in yourself.” Dropping your gaze to your entwined hands, you traced your thumbs along his knuckles, “You always knew what you wanted and you worked toward it - I always wished I could be like that, I still do.”

“Baby, you know you can’t-”

“-compare my life to yours, yeah, yeah, I know.”

He didn’t miss the lilt of playfulness highlighting your words, a smile finding its way to his face as he shot you a lighthearted glare, “No mocking! But, really, you shouldn’t - we come from completely different backgrounds, and if anything I’m more jealous of you than you are of me; there’s so many things you’ve done that I haven’t had the chance to experience.”

You let out an incredulous scoff, tilting your head inquisitively, “Like what? Work a draining part time job in the food industry?”

“Yes!” Though he was laughing, you could still hear the serious notes in his voice, “You got to work retail, you went on family vacations whenever you wanted, you fucking graduated college before I did!”

“Okay, first of all, all of my horror stories should deter you from ever wanting to become a retail employee in your near future!” Dropping his hand, you poked him in the chest with a faux glare, “Second, I guess you’ve got me there - between how often I’ve seen my family compared to you, I do win that spot… But that last one you definitely have over me, Mr. Double Major!”

“Oh shut up - you’re a graduate, I’m still in classes; you didn’t have to go from having practice at 8 but an exam due at 8:30, while still needing two demo tracks ready for the first listen at 10!”

The two of you dissolved into a mess of giggles and smiles, whatever tension remained melting away with each melodic sound that escaped you.

“Princess?”

You hummed, a soft smile settling on your lips, “Yeah, Channie?”

“Open heart,” Chris started warmly, deep brown eyes sparkling with a love only you could know, “I want you to know that I meant every word I said - I do want to take care of you, physically, mentally, financially, whatever way you’ll let me. And - not to sound cocky or anything, but I definitely make enough to support the both of us with no issue. Aside from that, I want to build a life with you - so if that life includes you being the hottest stay at home wife then it’s the best life I could’ve ever asked for because you’re in it.”

A wave of heat rushed over you as butterflies erupted in your stomach, “Stay at home wife, hm?” 

Of course, you paid attention to everything else he said, but you didn’t think you’d be able to say anything on it without bursting into tears again.

“Would you prefer stay at home mom? I mean, you’ve already got seven kids calling you it anyways - and I can’t lie, it does have a nice ring to it.” He grinned, releasing your other hand to wind his arms around your waist, scooting your body closer to his.

Rolling your eyes at his less than subtle tease, you snaked your arms around his shoulders, nails playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck, “Let’s just start with stay at home girlfriend and see where we go from there, yeah?”

“So you’ll quit tomorrow?”

“Christopher!” You stood no chance in holding back the burst of laughter that escaped you, narrowly avoiding knocking your head against his as you shook with unabashed giggles, “Tomorrow? You sound like you’ve been waiting for this confession to come!”

“Baby, I was one more angry rant of your supervisor ‘springing last minute work onto you’ away from quitting for you.”

Reeling yourself back in, you leaned forward to capture his lips in a soft kiss, your world finally feeling like the pieces were slowly falling into place - or, at the very least, revealing themselves to you. “I love you, Christopher Bahng, wholly and truthfully, there’s no words in the entire galaxy to express how much you mean to me.”

He held you tight, pressing his forehead against yours with a soft sigh, “I love you more, more than you ever know, more than all the stars in this universe and the next. Whatever you decide, whatever you want, I’ll give it to you - just say the word.”

“Does that include ordering takeout for dinner tonight so we can keep cuddling?”

“Find a menu while I change?”

“Order it while I wash my face?”

“Deal.”

Everything sucked, sure, and there was still much left to figure out - but with Chris by your side, you realized that things could get better with an open mind and an open heart.

CHRISTOPHER BANG MASTERLIST

KEY

❤️ - smut

💚 - suggestive

🧡 - fluff

💙 - angst

🖤 - dark

💜 - dom idol

🩵 - sub idol

🩷 - idol x reader

💛- idol x idol

Stray Kids masterlist

Main masterlist

Get to know me / request rules

Chan's kinks ❤️

We're here 🧡 🩷 (ft Hyunjin)

You ruin me ❤️💛💜(ft Felix)

Chan and Jisung’s story (our story) 🧡💚💙💛

Fret not, my love (ft Seungmin) 🧡💛

Am I satisfactory? ❤️💙🖤💜🩷

Am I satisfactory?

A/N: Got this idea after listening to Kevin Moon's cover of bury a friend however I chose a diff idol since I don't write for Kevin :)

Pairing: Bang Chan (skz) (dom) x Orignal character (sub)

Rating: Mature/Explicit

WC: 5152

Blurb: Why don't you run from me? why aren't you scared of me? In a world where everyone possesses a power, Yuna is outcast since her power only brings negative effects, people don't like her, people are scared of her, she barely hangs onto her job as a tattoo artist by being the best drawer in the shop, that is until she meets Chan. Chan doesn't run away, Chan isn't afraid, Chan just wants to show Yuna that she is deserving of love.

Warnings: language, needles (tattoo gun), masturbation, smut, choking, hair pulling, violet wand, vibrator, praise, aftercare of course! the main character is very into pain and talks about it in a way majority of people wouldn't, (there is no self harm Yuna may be into pain but only sexual types) this fic while loving in ways is also very dark, please proceed with caution if anything above does not interest you then please don't read!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

As she briskly walked through the harsh wind, arms wrapped around herself to keep from shivering, Yuna prayed to herself that she would make it to work in one piece. Having been an outcast ever since she presented her power, her life was never the same.

People were scared of her, afraid that if they said something or did something wrong then she would use her power against them. People ran away from her, never liking to get close. Which is why sadly Yuna doesn't have many friends or even family, they cast her aside too. Yuna was just thankful that her landlord didn't kick her out but he says it's just because her rent is never late. Yuna was also thankful that she was able to keep her job too, not only did she enjoy being a tattoo artist but it's hard finding a job when your an outcast.

Picking up the pace, since the wind did the same, Yuna walked faster, not enjoying the way the mother and daughter duo behind her slowed down so they wouldn't be as close when walking. A red light stopped them from going any further, and the mother had to pull the daughter further back by saying "baby stay close to me ok, don't go near that disgusting girl."

Luckily they were going separate ways, the tattoo shop actually being just across the road in one of the strips of shops. Just before the light turned green, Yuna turned her head and gave the mother a deadly look, gripping her wrist and using her power to burn it; "You know I can hear you right bitch? think twice next time" Yuna spat, then let go and started walking once the light did turn green, smiling to herself when the mother let out a cry of pain.

"What the fuck?! you burned me!" the women yelled out as Yuna crossed the street, but she paid the women no mind, neither the child because she knew that she would grow up to be just as hateful as her mother.

A distinctive ding ran throughout the shop once Yuna opened the door and was quick to shut it behind her since the weather was so poor today. "Good morning Yuna, sleep well?" San, who was the shops receptionist greeted kindly, a warm and welcoming look on his face. Everyone in the shop was wary of her, even Yuna herself knew this however for some reason they never treated her badly, maybe it was because she worked there?

Her coworkers were the only people she considered friends, since they treated her the nicest out of all the people she knew. It felt at times as if they were the only people keeping her sane, keeping her from going crazy.

"Hi San yes I did sleep well thank you for asking" she smiled back at him while going into the back to make herself a coffee, an americano specifically because she didn't like sweet things. "Yuna, you have a customer waiting for you in your room, he's a new guy" Hyunjin, another tattoo artist peered in to let her know. Felix, the piercer added that he thought he was hot too which Hyunjin replied that Felix should shut up and "am I not hot enough?" which started a cute bickering between the couple, bickering like this made them seem old and married.

"Thanks, Hyunjin, I'm done with my coffee anyway" Yuna replied and off she went to start her day at work. Felix was right in saying that the client was hot, he had brown hair and was swept neatly to the side, a few tattoos here and there but not too many so he wasn't a virgin but also not an ink addict. There was a black lip ring on the ride side of his lower lip, she watched for a moment as the client played with it.

He was wearing your classic black jeans, white top and black leather jacket look but on him it just looked much more interesting. Yuna had to will herself to put down her thoughts, no one liked her anyway so how was she ever to find love, Yuna at times didn't even think she deserved love, not with what her power brings.

"Hello my name is Yuna and I will be your artist today, how are you?" she greeted warmly as she sat on her small stool. While waiting for an answer she adjusted the tattoo bed/chair height to her liking.

"Oh, I'm fine thanks, I'm Chan and I just decided to treat myself today I guess" Chan shrugged his shoulders. Chan. It fell so beautifully from his lips, oh the thoughts that invaded her mind at the mere mention of his name. Yuna had to force herself to take a deep breath so that she could focus on the task at hand instead of daydreaming about how chan would look while fucking her while he had his hands around her throat, Woah where did these thoughts come from!

"Chan, what a lovely name. How may I help you today Chan?" Yuna was getting all the things that she would need ready, wanting to be 100% prepared before anything started. She turned on her speaker, making sure it was on low but she always needed music to get through the day, Lavinia by the the Viels came on.

"Well I have this design that I drew, was thinking of getting it on my lower hip" Chan reached into his back pocket, only to pull out a small piece of paper with what looked like a rose skull on it, the design pulled her in. Yuna might have stared at it for a little longer than needed and was only pulled from your thoughts when Chan sneezed.

"Oh Bless you, since you want it in a not so accessible place, I have to ask you to please take off your jacket and pull your pants down a little" Yuna's face was flushed, Chan definitely noticed and took a mental note. Ever since Chan laid his eyes on Yuna, he hasn't been able to look away, the way her eyes lit up when looking at the design, so invested. Chan couldn't wait to get to know this girl more. As chan started to undress leaving him in only a white tee and boxers, Yuna pretended to be on her phone, reading chats from the work group chat.

Felix: Hyung why am I always stuck with the children!

Minho: Because your our only piercer dumbass

Felix: But Hyung, why don't any cute guys wanna be pierced? it's always mothers bringing their daughters in for their first ever piercing or it's a pain junkie covered in them however managed to find a spare spot, UGH!

Jeongin: Maybe it's because you complain too much

Felix: Fuck you Jeongin 🖕🏼

Hyunjin: Babe please calm down no need to fret however you should say sorry to Innie for swearing

Minho: Who swore at my baby!

Yuna: It's ok Felix, no need to stress 👍🏼💖

San: oh god not this again 😩

They were the closest you would ever get to friends, it made you giggle at how cute Felix sounded when he tried to be mad. Chan also made a mental note to try and make you giggle more often, it was the sweetest sound.

"Um... I guess I should start? If you ever need a break just let me know yeah?" for Yuna this was just one of her usual safeties, sometimes it made her smile to see others in pain, the way each different person handles pain, it was such a wonderful sight.

Chan got back on the table once undressed and placed his hands above his head once he realized they covered the spot he wanted the tattoo. Bracing himself, Chan knew what was coming however it had been so long since last time so he held onto the chair arm just in case.

"Alright, take a deep breath for me."

3,

2,

1,

"Oh fuck" Chan groaned and threw his head back, tried his best to not move his lower body. "It's been so long, I always forget that first initial sting" A long lingering sting after. A new song came on through the speakers, Billie Eilish's bury a friend which always had a sinister vibe to it however it was one of Yuna's current favourites.

"Does it hurt?" she inquired, yet her actions did not stop.

"Hmm" was all Chan replied with. Yuna smiled to herself once again, seeing Chan, cute mysterious Chan in pain was hot. She had no idea why except maybe for her weird liking to the sensation.

"Pain is all mental you know, pain can be whatever you want it to be, it doesn't even have to be pain if you don't want it to be" she tried to make conversation, to the best of her ability.

"Are all your conversations always this morbid?" Chan turned to face her, a confused look on his face.

"I'm not always good at this part" Yuna admitted, not having many friends affected her social skills, but Yuna always tried her best.

"HA! clearly, getting a tattoo already hurts enough, I say we chat about something not related to the constant sting in my hip" Chan laughed a little before another groan escaped him, the boney parts were always the worst.

"Breathe, Chan, what do you do for a living?" Yuna tried a different approach, a less socially awkward one. Yuna may be relishing in the way Chan's hand's grip at the chair arm or how he shakes his head and mentally tells himself to keep breathing, Though Yuna wasn't a monster, she could be polite.

"Oh, I work at an entertainment company as a producer actually with two of my friends Changbin and Jisung, we've produced a lot of got7 and twice songs, we work for JYP entertainment" Chan ranted on about his job, it was refreshing to hear about such an awesome lifestyle.

"Ooooh what's Yugyeom like? he's my favorite" Yuna couldn't pinpoint why she was admitting to a lot of things today, it made her mentally facepalm.

"Ahahah Yugyeom is nice, the same age as me actually we get along great. What about you Yuna, what do you do in your free time?"

"I draw alot and make designs for the shop. I also love just laying flat on my back playing some music and letting the emotions take me." Yuna trailed off, afraid that she may have said too much.

"And where do they take you exactly?" Oh, so she hadn't said too much?

"Wherever I feel like going" Yuna smirked just as a forget me too by machine gun kelly came on, another artist that Yuna has grown to love. Besides her love for got7 Yuna was really into alternative artists, music makers who pushed the boundaries. Yuna didn't even notice that she had gone too much into her headspace until Chan started whining and asked for a break, you took your hands off of him and noticed a slight red mark, you had burned him, only slightly but a burn nonetheless.

"I'm so sorry Chan oh my god this is so unprofessional" Yuna started to rant, annoyed with herself that she let her powers take control once again. Chan was quick to take her shaking hands into his own, everything was now starting to make sense for Chan however he wasn't mad.

"Yuna it's ok, please don't work yourself up, so you're an outcast who even cares?"

"Oh my- the whole world cares or else I wouldn't be an outcast. I can make people feel any kind of pain I desire by just a touch. From simple things like headaches all the way to birth contractions even if you're not having a baby. Just this morning I got called disgusting by someone that I don't even know."

"Hey hey, you could never be disgusting. I haven't known you for very long but you are already such a far cry from disgusting"

"You wouldn't like some of the things I'm into."

"Try me."

"I like a lot of creepy things, Halloween is my favorite holiday, I wear darker colours, I enjoy horror films, I'm fascinated by blood, death doesn't scare me, and they're just surface-level shit" Yuna answered while also getting back to work, she was almost finished with the outline.

"Well, what's under the surface?" Chan pried even more, and Yuna didn't know whether to feel offended or grateful that someone was talking to her and not spewing insults. Most of the time when people get tattooed by her, they stay silent except for small grunts or hisses of pain.

Deciding to avoid the question for now because it may be too soon, Yuna opted to say something else in return. "People don't really talk to me you know? There so uneasy about the fact that I'm an outcast that they choose to stay silent unless there asking for a break" Yuna's face fell, and Chan would be an idiot not to notice, frowning himself as Overcome by better than ezra came on. People can be such assholes sometimes, Chan found his thoughts swimming, fighting with each other actually. Chan hardly knew this girl yet he wanted to protect her with every fibre of his being.

"Hmm, you didn't answer my question though" Chan mused, not even realising that his dominant side was coming forth until he heard Yuna gasp. All he wanted was for her not to think about the assholes that gave her that ugly title, outcast. Honestly, how dare they? A small blush made its way onto Yuna's cheeks, spreading its warm pink all over her face. Chan watched as she thought for a moment, stopping the tattoo to quickly change colours from black to red. She didn't answer until she started the shading on the rose.

"It's a little dark. I like to inflict pain on myself, only in sexual situations however, it helps escape the numbness I sometimes feel. Like it hurts but at least I'm feeling something and sometimes it's soo good, I can also get real kinky in bed I- oh wow I just revealed so much already I hardly even know you" Yuna's cheeks got even red-er, if that was even possible, the fact that Chan wasn't staying silent like most customers do was enough to send Yuna spiralling and telling her whole life story. But Chan seemed different, he didn't interrupt, he just listened the whole way though. It was coming out like word vomit at this point. She was annoyed that she basically became a submissive chatter box the second anyone showed her any kindness.

"It's ok Yuna, I can get kinky too" Chan winked in her direction, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Would it make you feel better if I overshared now?" Chan chuckled slightly, "Sure if you want to. but please don't move too much."

"Oh sorry, I'll stop laughing" Chan took a moment to compose himself, Maybe Chan should start with his power?

"Where should I start, My power is the ability to make plants grow faster like it's such a shitty power I hardly use it. Changbin's is cooler, he can command people to do whatever he wants like this one time we all planned to go out a few years ago but Jisung and my other friend Seungmin weren't 21 yet so Changbin just used his power to make the bouncer let Jisung and Seungmin inside" It was now Chan's turn to ramble, his friends were always a happy topic for him. "what else hmm? I can get kinky in bed too you know, I have a thing for choking and spanking" Chan spoke as if choking and spanking were mundane topics, it made Yuna's eyes wide.

"Do you feel better?" Chan asked with a grin, relishing in the way her eyes widened and your jaw fell slightly open. "I mean you did share a lot" Yuna replied, quietly finishing up the shading, smiling at her work. "I'm done, wanna have a look?"

Chan stood up to look at his tattoo in the mirror while she explained how he was to take care of it. "I love it so much, thank you" and before she could even register it, Chan's big arms embraced her in a hug, Yuna breathed in his warm scent.

"I'm glad you like it, I've never done a skull before" she pulled away to take off her disposable gloves.

"Hey so, this might be a little soon however with what we talked about just before I don't think I'll be pushing it, I kinda like you and would love to get to know you better, can I have your number?"

Yuna thought on it for a moment, people never ask for her number, people never even talk to her unless they have to. On the other hand, Chan spoke to her, and he did it because he wanted to, not because he had to. The way he smiled when not groaning from pain and he gave her a glimpse that maybe all people weren't bad, Chan wasn't bad. "Oh sure."

The moment Yuna got home is when she let her thoughts take over, she tried to repress them at work but now she was in the comfort of her own home so. There was no doubt in her mind that Chan was a good looking man and she couldn't stop yourself from wondering what his hands would look like wrapped around her throat or slapping her ass as he fucked her.

Which is why Yuna wanted to have some fun with herself, she couldn't stop herself at this point.

Grabbing her two favourite toys which happen to be a violet wand and rabbet vibrator, blasting music because he apartment walls were very thin, she got to work.

Lying down on her bed, completely naked but with the heater going since it was a very cold day, she first decided to tease herself with the violet wand. Letting it trail down her stomach and shock her as it goes.

Deep moans leave her mouth as she closes her eyes and thinks of Chan, hot tattooed Chan and his thick arms as they wrap themselves around her, pinning her to the bed.

She continues this for a while, the thrilling pain turning her on even more, she continues to shock herself until she is almost crying for relief, and she actually does once she turns on the vibrator and places it on her clit.

The pleasure is overwhelmingly good, bringing her to the edge sooner than she hoped but she was also far too gone to care, moan after moan cry after cry.

Yuna came not long after, her whole body shaking so much that it takes her a few minutes to calm down, breathing deeply and listening to the sweet melodies of cigarettes after sex, which makes her really crave a special brownie and a long soak in the bath tub.

Before she can even think of having one her phone rings, bringing her out of her thoughts and into the real world.

"Hi Yuna, it's Chan from earlier today" he greets politely, she can practically hear his smile.

"Hi Chan, it's nice to hear your voice" Yuna finds herself admitting, Chan just does that to her.

"I was wondering if you would like to see a movie with me tomorrow? you mentioned that you liked horror films and so do I and theres this movie called-"

"Yes Chan I would love too!" Yuna answered before Chan could even finish, a movie sounds wonderful, anything with you sounds wonderful...

"Perfect! Shall I pick you up say 6pm?"

"Yeah ok, I'll send you my address"

After that Yuna did indulge in a special brownie and a long soak, Felix from work likes to bake in his spare time and both his regular and special brownies were always his biggest winners!!!

As Yuna soaked, she let her thoughts take her away and the lyrics from whatever song was playing, she was too excited for tomorrow to care about anything else.

It was another cold day, and another dark day. While Yuna was at work no one talked to her unless it was her co workers. All her customers stayed silent, she could see the glare in their eyes and the annoyed look on their faces because she could tell that they would have rather been tattooed by someone else.

Yuna never understood why people couldn't be more accepting, like yeah she causes pain but only when she wants too. Yuna has complete control over her power and if she never wanted to use it then she didn't have to.

One client even had the nerve to be rude to her throughout his appointment, making it clear that she was nothing but scum and it took all she had not to yell at him and wonder why he was letting her tattoo him them. It took all she had not to use her power on him and give him stomach cramps or something.

That's how Yuna found herself silently crying during her lunch break, wiping tears away as she thought about her sad life. She only had 4 friends, everyone else detested her, even her own parents detested her, everywhere she went she was met with stares and cold glares.

Sometimes she was asked to leave cafes or shops because they didn't want outcasts in their businesses, and sometimes this all just got to her and made her feel very out of place in this world.

"Oh Yuna, sweetheart" Minho's smile dropped once he entered the staff room and saw her like this; sobbing into her hands.

"I'm so sorry I-"

"None of that, shh come here" Minho brought her into his arms and slightly rocked them until her sobs died down.

"Having a bad day?" Minho asked once he thought Yuna was calm enough to answer.

"Yeah... it all just came crashing down earlier, being called scum among other things does that to you" Yuna sighed, looking down at her un eaten meat pie.

"Please don't tell me you believe any of that?"

"I try my best not too, it's just hard sometimes"

"That's ok, just know that I love you and the rest of the team love you. Don't you have that date later today?"

"Uh yeah, he's picking me up at 6"

"Go take the rest of the day off, go take a walk" Minho prompts, considering he owns the store he can do whatever he wants.

"Are you sure?" Yuna asks, looking up.

"You clearly need a break, a proper break, just go"

By the tine 6pm rolled around, Yuna was beyond nervous.

This was going to be her first date ever!

Ever since people found out about her power no one ever wanted to date her, they were always too scared. Everyone was always too scared that one day they would say something to make Yuna upset and then she would use her power on them. People were always afraid of pain, too afraid that it makes people become even worse than her.

Yuna had never had a date, nor a kiss, nor anything further than that.

Love was all Yuna ever wanted, she watched the people around her find their true love and it always made her sad that she never got to experience that. Being a 25 year old virgin mary didn't do much for her confidence.

Since it was just the movies she kept it simple, black skinny jeans, maroon turtleneck and a black leather jacket, the jacket she wore most often. She greeted Chan at the door but didn't invite him in otherwise they would be late for the movie.

The movie they went to see was called a quite place 2, Yuna remembers watching the first one and enjoying it so she was glad about seeing the second one.

They didn't talk much, just some small talk in the car and then stayed silent during the movie because well... it was a movie after all.

Once the movie was over was when they really had a chance to talk, as Chan drove back to Yuna's place they discovered a lot of things about each other.

Chan and Yuna had very similar taste in music for one thing, both loving Machine gun kelly and older bands from the early 2000's. They also both really liked horror films, as discovered tonight when Chan went into detail about all his favourite ones and he even named a few very old ones.

"What else hmm? I prefer bars over clubs, because you can actually talk to a person not to mention the music is better. Jisung loves clubbing tho so I'm always dragged along" Chan rambled on, his smile never fading the whole time.

"I don't really go to either, I actually don't go out very often I usually just stay in and order takeaway" Yuna laughed to herself but it made Chan frown, because he knew why Yuna never went out.

"Maybe we should go sometime, I can introduce you to my friends?" Chan offered just as he pulled up to Yuna apartment building.

Yuna actually invited Chan in this time, and it was then that Chan had the chance to look at the way Yuna liked to decorate. Since she offered him a tour of her place.

The walls were a dark grey, with multiple pictures and prints of the things she liked up on her walls, the only real amount of white was in the bathrooms, but conisdering white, yellow and pink were Yuna's least favourite colours Chan could understand that.

Yuna's bedroom was the last place, she had black fluffy bed covers, plus one of those life sized mood octo plushies sitting on her arm chair. The door to her walk in wardrobe was left open, it was filled with lots of black and red and green, dark green of course and mostly gold jewellery because she preferred it over silver.

"So this is my room..." Yuna trailed off, the moonlight reflecting perfectly on Chans face, the veins in his neck standing out from it but she could tell he wasn't angry.

"So it is..." Chan trailed off too, walking closer until he was just inches away from Yuna's face. Ever since he set foot in her place he was turned on.

Actually ever his he got that tattoo he couldn't stop thinking about everything Yuna said. She liked to be kinky, she liked pain, she liked it rough, and Chan could so get behind that.

"What should we do now?" Yuna asked, as if he wasn't eye undressing her.

"I can think of a few things" was all Chan could take before closing the gab between them.

Their lips collided with such passion Yuna was unsure of how much she could take, if this is the way she felt from just kissing imagine how she would feel from something more.

They kissed for a while, lying down on her bed and just basking in each other, getting lost in the simple pleasures of just kissing almost melting away from it.

"Before we progress, do you have any limits?" Chan mumbled against her lips, using his hands to take off her jacket and top, also taking off his own.

"Just one, please don't degrade me, people degrade me everyday and I don't like it"

"Of course, I wouldn't dream of saying any of those things angel"

Angel.

One small word.

A word that has Yuna's pussy dripping and heart throbbing, no one has ever called her angel before.

"Oh please just take me" Yuna practically moaned she was so turned on.

"All in due time, do you have any toys?"

"Yeah, bottom drawer left side"

Chan leaned over and opened the draw, revealing many things that he would love to use on her but decided against it for tonight considering it was their first tine together.

"Great to know for next time, thanks angel"

It didn't take long for them to start fucking, the both of them so needy for it they couldn't hold off any longer.

Chan pushed in slowly, even though he knew she liked it rough, it was still her first time ever so he had to be somewhat careful so she wouldn't bleed.

"How does that feel?" Chan asked once he was fully inside.

"Like heaven, fuck me" Yuna moaned once again, and Chan took this as his sign to continue on.

"Yeah you like that, you like being fucked angel" one of Chans hands came down to pull her hair hard so that she would look straight at him. "I asked you a question"

"Oh yes Chan!" Yuna obeyed his every word, because she wanted to be good for him.

"That's it, only I can make you feel this way" One of Chans hands clamped around her throat, blocking her airways as the other started rubbing her clit, making sure she was feeling just as much pleasure as he was.

Chan had no idea where all this possessive energy came from, maybe it was because no one had ever treated Yuna with such care before and all Chan really wanted to do was show Yuna that she could be loved and that the whole world wasn't so cruel.

Chan continued to fuck and choke and rub all at the same time. Relishing in all the sinful sounds coming from Yuna's mouth, they seemed never ending.

As for Yuna, she never felt more on cloud nine, Chans fingers expectly rubbing inthe way that she loved as if this wasn't their first time. The blocked airways only adding to the pleasure, and it was building up fast.

"Close, Chan, ughhh ohhh" was all Yuna managed to say.

"Yeah baby so am I, come with me yeah?" Chans thrusts became more sloppier and somehow deeper before he was pulling out and cumming all over Yuna's chest, this caused Yuna's orgasm to wash over her like an automatic cash wash.

Her legs shaking as she gasps for breath, whole body invested in the orgasm. They both laid there for a moment, no one saying anything but no one needing to anyway.

After a few minutes Chan got up to start the clean up process, that's when he was first to break the silence.

"You were amazing, absolutely amazing angel" as he was cleaning up his cum he leaned down to place a wet kiss to Yuna's lips.

Yuna smiled and sighed at this, tiredness evident in her face but also euphoria. Yuna had never been so satisfied in her life.

"So I was satisfactory then hmm?"

"Oh angel" Chan smirked, climbing in bed and wrapping her in his arms, "you were more than satisfactory."

Man, this was good kinda of wished there was a part 2 where she would ask him about it, but I love this regardless

like you used to.

pairing: chan x reader genre/warnings: established relationship, angst word count: 0.6k note: "things i wish you'd said" for the fellow wifeu hehhehhehe. first bang chan piece, people !!

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

navigation › masterlist › ko-fi

you remember when things were good.

now, you can only hope for a fraction of how they used to be. you don't even dare to ask for good again. you just want things to be better.

the way that everything is now - you don't know if it's right to label it bad. it's just... stagnant. lethargic. lifeless and on the verge of becoming unrevivable.

chan used to put you first, or at least, he would always make you feel like you were the center of his universe. when you'd first gotten together, the honeymoon phase seemed to last forever. you revolved around each other the way that everything in the solar system revolves around the sun. constant. a fact of life.

which is to say that the love was always endless. unwavering. persevering and true.

you could always feel the efforts he put in to prioritize your relationship. starting every morning with an i love you and ending the day the same way. staying on the phone for entire evenings whenever he had to be away. showering you with flowers and adorable small gifts any chance he got because he knew you didn't like extravagant things. running through the streets in the rain, giggling like a couple of fools utterly in love. spending hours talking and stargazing until the night faded away and you couldn't even see the stars anymore.

you were perfect together, perfect for each other.

what happened? what went wrong?

when did he start slipping away?

the i love you's don't sound the same anymore. when he gets into bed at night and presses a half-hearted kiss to your forehead, those three words feel like an obligation that he says just for the sake of upholding it.

no "just five, ten, fifteen more minutes!" when he wakes up in the morning and wraps his arms around you tightly for some extra cuddling time, peppering you with kisses on any exposed skin that he could find. instead, chan opts to desert the warmth of your side moments after his alarm rings. no lingering touches on your body before he leaves. just his fingertips ghosting on your back as if to quietly say "good morning, i'm going now".

it's a feeling that you can't quite describe even if someone asks you to - seeing the person you love the most fade away day by day, in front of your very eyes.

he's the last person you would expect this from.

the hardest thing to accept is that nothing happened. nothing went wrong. there's no one at fault, nothing to pin the blame on. love just went cold, and it's one of the saddest things that you and him will ever go through.

because your fire is still burning, not flickering even once while his love has been reduced to embers and you're helpless; you can't do anything to stop it from going out completely and turning frigid. because he's still the love of your life, even if you aren't the love of his anymore.

there are so many things that you wish you could tell him, so many things that you wish he would say to you.

tell me you want me and mean it.

kiss me like you did the first time under that shitty street light near the corner of my old apartment. it was dark and freezing, but we were so happy then, weren't we?

you don't have to love me forever like you once promised you would. just... love me. love me again.

because when he comes home and greets you with a smile - an empty one - that doesn't make his eyes light up like they used to, you know that the clock is ticking faster; time is cruel and time is running out.

you wish he would.

but you know he won't.

permanent taglist: @onlyycb97wife @starsandrqindrops @borahae-reads @abbiestearsricochet @cutiespaghetti @anthropologykpopmultistan @moonlinos

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 02.01.2024]

Thought of a really sad oneshot of chan. (Just Bang Chan sad thoughts)

Chan is a sugar daddy, he just wants the reader sexually and have even told her that, however she falls in love with him and is always there for him even though he treats her awfully.

Finally he snaps and tells her that she's nothing to him, she doesn't get angry like most would she just gets completely broken because she's used to guys using her and throwing her away like she doesn't matter, so she just says she's so sorry for burden him and runs out of the apartment even though he rushes after her but she hides from him until he gives up and she sadly just disappears in a tragic way because she truly believes she'll never find love.

Used To Be

Warnings; Angst, A Little Bit Of Fluff(Maybe) Self-Esteem & swearing. Mental Abuse, Toxic Relationship, Don’t Read If It Might Trigger You.

This Is All Made Up, I Don’t Believe The Boys Would Do Any Of This. Our Boys Are Angels❤️ Remember That Chan Is The Most BEAUTIFUL Human In This World And He Will Never Hurt A Fly.

———————————————————————————————————

     You saw it coming, he was not the same anymore. You saw him distant himself from you & as much as you tried to hold on you know that there was no point. He started to act different towards you, he ignored you every time you called or texted him saying he was busy. When you saw him around school, he would walk pass you without glancing at you. But deep down you knew it was about to happened eventually. You knew Chan did not love you anymore, that the feelings for you disappear you were just waiting for him to end it.

     This was not the first time it happened to you; your past boyfriend did the exact same thing. When he was done with you, he threw you away like you meant nothing to him, like your present bother him. It has been two years since that horrible heartbreak & then you met Chan. Little by little you started falling for him, his smile, his laugh, his personality just everything about him. He gave you hope that you needed at the time but if you knew that it was going to end the same why you would have left before it was too late.

     Now you are sitting in the gym, crying your heart out thinking on what you could have done wrong. ‘Why would he stay with someone like me? He is so handsome and nice, he is perfect. I am just average there is nothing special about me. It is my fault for thinking this time it would be different. He deserves someone better than me’ you thought. You heard the bell ring which meant it was time for class. Before you went to your last class you stop at the bathroom and cleaned yourself up. Your last class was with Chan and his friends and you did not want to look like a wreck.

     You walked into class and sat in the front, while Chan and his friends sat at the back. You felt your phone vibrate it was a text from Chan.

     Channie💛: Can we talk after school? Meet me at the table by the tree outside the building.

     You felt your heart drop because you knew what was happening. You knew he was going to break up with you. You started to mentally prepare yourself.

(Y/N): Sure.

     Time went by fast before you know you were walking towards the table. You saw Chan and his friends but as soon as they saw you Chan got up walked towards and you guys made you way towards the tree. His friends just started but look away to give you guys some privacy.

     You played with your fingers while looking down at the grass. You were scared to look at Chan because you knew you would break down. You heard him sigh.

     “Listen (y/n), umm I don’t know how to say this but umm I think we should break up.” Chan started making your heart break more. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore & I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I’m sorry it ended like this but it’s for the best.” Chan finally said. You looked up at him & gave him a weak smile. You knew it was coming so you were somewhat prepared.

     “I understand. I am sorry I was not enough for you. But I saw it coming.” You told him. Chan looked at you confused, “What do you mean?” “I mean it’s my fault Chan. You are this perfect wonderful guy and I am just me. There is nothing special about me, I knew that sooner or later it was going happen. I just wish it happen before I fell in love you.”

     “Wait no, that’s not wh-” you caught him off before he could explain. “It’s okay, you’re not the first someone to leave me” you gave a small chuckle. “It’s okay, I understand I hope you find someone that makes you happy” with those last words you left feeling a bit proud that you did not cry at least not in front of him. You walked by his friends and they were giving you pity looks. That was the last thing you wanted because you knew once everybody found out that is how they were going to look at you.

     You made it home and broke down. ‘I should have known this was going to happen. I’m so stupid to think this time was different. That a guy like him would like a someone like me. I couldn’t even keep my first boyfriend, why would Chan be different.’ You kept thinking, your mind would only think about Chan and everything about him.

     Days passed and you decided to go back to school. Finals were coming up and you could not miss anymore school. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you could not recognize the person staring back. You had bags under your eyes, you look skinner and pale. You didn’t care, you left to school trying to figure how avoid Chan and his friends. You got to school, and you kept your head down walking towards your locker, but you could feel the stares and hear the whispers. You tried your best to ignore it, that was until you walked passed Chan and his friends. The scene in front of you broke more than you could imagine. He had another girl in his arms, looking at her with love the same look he would give you. You put your head down and walk faster but you heard Woojin call him and point to you.

     You ran into the bathroom and locked yourself in there. ‘It’s only been a few days and he already has someone else. She is so beautiful no wonder he left me. He had found someone better than me & I was holding him back. This isn’t some love story where he would fight to win me back. It’s only been three days and he has someone else’ you cried. The bell rang and you cleaned yourself up and went to class. Every class was a drag, but you were surprise on how well you were doing. Nobody really talks to you, you didn’t have that many friends and you the few friends you had haven’t really check up on you. During lunch, you decided to go the library to study hope the last bell won’t ring.

     You didn’t want to go to the last class because Chan was in there and the last thing you want is to see him. The bell rang and you took a deep breath and walk to class. You sat in your chair and waited for class to start. As soon as Chan and his friends walked in everybody in class walking in making the class get quiet and look at you guys. You put your head down and started to pull your stuff out. Chan walked to his seat and acted like nothing happened.

     Soon the professor came and started teaching, you payed attention to everything he said and wrote down notes. 20 mins before the bell ran the professor gave you guys some study time and left the room. You were in your own little world trying to study when you felt the chair next you being pulled and someone sat down. Your first thought was Chan but you were more surprise when you saw your ex-boyfriend Michael. You gave him a confused look and he just smirked at you.

     “Do you need something?” You ask in a quiet voice and this point. You saw that everybody was staring at you, including Chan and his friends. “No, I just wanted to ask you if you were okay?” He asked you. You look puzzled, but before you can answer he cut you off. “Haha who am I kidding you look like shit. I’m sorry but come on (y/n) you should have seen that coming. Chan will never love a girl like you if I didn’t want you why would he?” He said loud enough for everybody to hear. All you could do is look down and clench your pencil. You hated him; how could he embarrass you like that in front of the class. “He didn’t even care about you, he already has another girl and forgot about you like the trash you are haha” at this point you were crying but what he said next made your heart into dust. “If you were good enough maybe we would have kept you.” You got up so quick and left that you didn’t see Chan behind you ready to punch your ex.

     Chan saw you run out crying but decided against running after you. He had to take care of your ex first. “What the fuck is your problem man!” He said while grabbing him by his shirt. Woojin and Mihno tried holding him back but it was useless. Chan was pissed that he would talk to you like that. “Oh, come on chan. Don’t try to act like the hero here because you left her just like I did. You threw her away and found someone new. Or am I wrong” he said while smirk. Chan punched him in the face and walk out followed by his friends.

     You ran all the way home & locked yourself. Turn off your phone and just cried & cried. You couldn’t believe this was happening you felt so worthless, unwanted and you don’t even know what you did to Michael to have him hate you so much. You wanted Chan, you wanted him to hold you and tell you that everything was going to be okay that he loved you and nothing else matter. You want his kiss, his touch just everything. But you knew that he wasn’t your anymore.

Should I make a part 2?🦋

angst #19 and fluff #50 for bangchan please! where he and his secret, non-showbiz s/o are having another rough time after years of dating. s/o is kind of getting tired of chan not coming home, responding to calls and texts and doing what a boyfriend should do so s/o visits him for a lunch but he was occupied with a labelmate of his. basically just s/o slowly giving up and chan noticing way too late but with a happy ending together, i hope... thank u so much!

thank you so much for your request, love! this turned out to be longer than i thought.. please let me know what you think of it !

i really hope you’ll like it <3 

angst #19 "Would you have said yes?"

fluff #50 "Can you quit being sappy for five seconds?"

take me back; bang chan

bang chan x fem!reader

3.7K+ words

angst, fluff

warnings; mention of hyperventilating, mention of struggling to eat (because of sadness), mentions of feeling numb/depressed

i’m sorry for any possible grammatical errors!

song rec; almost to the moon - daisy gray

AUGUST 4TH 2021

"chan, put me down, right now. this is not funny!" you yelled as you smacked the brown haired man's back.

he giggled as he kept walking towards the water with you draped over his shoulder.

"it's way too cold to be swimming right now!" you shrieked as you tried to release yourself from his strong grip once again.

"it's literally not that cold! we're heading back to korea tomorrow. summer is almost ending, this is the last time we can enjoy the sea this year!" chan argued, wanting to enjoy this vacation you were on with him and the rest of the boys, till the very end.

"minho, please stop this madman!" you yelled at a laughing minho who was recording the entire thing.

the cold sea water hit chan's feet and he hissed.

"you're right, it's cold." chan spoke as he kept on walking until the water had reached his waist.

"see, i told you so! so put me down."

"right now? oh sure.”

your eyes widened "no wait-"

before you could finish your sentence, chan released you from his grip and you fell in the cold water in front of him.

you shrieked as your arms immediately wrapped around chan's bare shoulders, wanting him to carry you out of the water again.

minho and jisung who were still standing on the shore, laughed at your dramatic reaction.

chan giggled as he wrapped his arms around your waist while you tried to steady your breath, wanting to get used to the cold water as quickly as possible.

"i hate you." you breathed as he pulled your flush against him.

"no, you love me." he said, his smile making his eyes turn into crescents.

you could never stay mad at chan when he was smiling at you like that.

"if it wasn't our last day here, i would've walked back to the shore right now." you muttered, not being able to hide the smile that was creeping up on your face at the sight of your adorable boyfriend.

chan laughed before pushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“if i would’ve asked you to stay here like this forever, instead of going back to korea to our normal lives, would you have said yes?”

you nodded.

"definitely.”

he smiled, a sad feeling creeping in his chest. he honestly didn’t want to go back to his busy life in korea as bang chan from stray kids.

right now he wanted to be just chan and stay here in australia with you forever and live a normal life.

“i truly had the best time, chan. thank you." you then whispered as you placed a hand on his cheek, rubbing your thumb over it softly.

"why are you thanking me?" he asked, a confused smile on his face as he tilted his head.

you pecked his nose before saying: "because you're the best boyfriend i could ever wish for and you made this week unforgettable."

chan felt his heart burst as a big smile appeared on his face.

"i love you so much." chan said, leaving a peck on your lips.

just as you were about to respond you heard minho yell something from the shore.

"look here and smile, lovebirds!"

you and chan both looked to the side before quickly smiling at the sight of jisung holding up his camera before he snapped a picture of the two of you.

JANUARY 23RD 2022

you look at the picture that you are holding in your hand.

you and chan, standing in the sea, smiling from ear to ear as a sunset painted the sky behind you two.

it was so perfect.

you truly don't know what went wrong.

after you guys got back from australia, that warm summer that could be seen on the photo, slowly but surely turned into a cold winter.

and with that you don’t just mean the seasons changing.

things between you and chan changed.

after you had gotten back from your vacation, stray kids had to start preparing for a comeback.

at first chan still tried to not let the work he had to do occupy him too much. he tried to still see you regularly and tried to still take you out from time to time. on busier days he did his best to at least text you.

but after the company had told the boys that they were really behind schedule, things started to get more hectic.

you understood this for a long time. you never pushed him and always comforted him when he was having a hard time. you even comforted him when he was the one to forget about your date with him, telling him that it was okay.

you weren't hard on him because you realized years ago that dating a full time artist would be difficult and that he wouldn't always have time for you.

but the last month things really got worse.

you barely heard anything from him anymore.

"will be late tonight, don't wait for me" or "i'm busy, cant talk rn sorry" were the only texts you've been getting.

even though you work too, you still tried to make time for him by often driving by the studio to drop off some lunch. even in your tired state there was nothing that you wanted more than to stay with him.

but the last time you went, chan was with changbin and jisung working on some songs and he insisted that they needed to be alone to be able to concentrate on the music. both changbin and jisung felt the tensed air as chan sent you away.

it had been 2 weeks since you last came by the studio or tried to make a move to meet up with him.

you wanted nothing more than to text him in those two weeks but you needed to know if he would reach out to you himself.

you needed to know if he still needed you.

but now, two weeks later, you start to feel hopeless as he still has not taken any initiative to talk to you. he didn’t even give you a simple call.

as you lay in bed that night, the only thing you can think about is chan. about what the two of you had. about what is left of what the two of you used to have. and you cry. no, you sob. because even though your heart wants to hold onto him with its dear life, you don’t know for how much longer your brain will accept that.

chan is neglecting you. and you don't deserve that.

JANUARY 24TH 2022

today is the day that will decide your future with chan.

you are going to tell chan your honest feelings and you hope with your entire heart that the conversation will go well and the two of you can work this out.

but deep down, you fear the worst.

you text him if he can meet up with you at you guys' favorite restaurant at 7 pm.

a few minutes later, you check your phone to see if chan has answered and your heart jumps in your chest as you read his message.

chan<3: i'll be there ❤️

a smile paints your face; maybe things will actually go well.

a few hours later, you start getting ready to go to the restaurant.

you put on your favorite dress, well actually his favorite dress on you, and do your make up.

you softly sing along to a song playing on your phone as you put in some earrings.

yes, you are a little nervous to have this serious talk with him, but most of all you are happy to finally go on a date with your boyfriend again. you missed him more than anything.

you want to talk with him like you used to always do for hours and hours. you want to see his smile again. you want to have him hold you close and kiss you.

but sadly things don't always go the way we want them to.

because at 7:35pm you're sitting at the small table in the corner of the restaurant alone.

the waitress walks by your table for the 3rd time to ask if you want to order something, other than the drink that's still sitting untouched on the tables.

you let out a disappointed chuckle as tears brim your eyes.

"no, thank you. i'll be leaving. sorry for the.. wasted reservation." you speak, feeling embarrassed as you stand up putting on your coat.

she nods understandingly, before walking away.

you check your phone for the last time, hoping to have at least 1 message from chan that can explain why he isn't here right now.

but sadly nothing pops up as you check your notifications.

you shake your head in disbelief as anger and sadness start taking over you completely.

you don't want this anymore.

you don't want him anymore.

you don't even know what you want anymore.

all of your built up emotions make you not think straight as you arrive at your apartment.

you walk to your closet and take out all the hoodies and shirts chan has left at your place over the years.

you put them all in a big bag frustratedly as you start crying.

why did he stop caring for you?

what did you do wrong?

you cry harder as you pick up all the stuff laying around in your apartment that belong to him. you throw them all in the bag as you wipe your eyes.

about half an hour later you knock on the door of the stray kids dorms.

minho opens the door and just as he's about to greet you, his eyes widen as he notices your state.

you didn't bother changing clothes before coming here so you're still in your dress and all the accessories that you had put on for chan.

‘pathetic.’ you think.

your eyes are red but you're not crying anymore.

you calmly hold out your hand that's holding the bag with chan's belongings.

"hi minho, could you perhaps give this to chan?"

minho blinks confused as his eyes flicker from the bag to your face.

"y/n, is everything okay?"

you nod.

"i'm alright, just a little tired so could you please give this to chan?"

minho slowly takes the bag from your hand, putting it down beside him.

"y/n, do you want to come in and talk? you don’t.. you don’t look okay.”

you smile.

“no, thank you. i'm fine, i promise."

minho doesn't believe you of course, but just as he's about to speak up, you turn around and start walking away, feeling too exhausted to say anything else.

minho wants to follow you but decides to instead immediately grab his phone and dial chan's number.

"what? i’m busy.” chan says, a little too harsh for minho's liking.

"dude, go to y/n. right now."

chan is silent for a second before his eyes widen. 

shit. y/n. he was supposed to meet you at the restaurant.

he looks down at his watch and groans when he sees the time.

8:10 pm.

he was so busy getting this one tune right that he completely lost track of time.

"shit, we were supposed to go out tonight.” chan huffs as he runs a hand through his hair.

"well, i don’t think that’s going to happen anymore. chan, i think she's done with you. for real.” minho murmurs as he looks at the bag with chan's belongings.

chan feels his heartbeat quicken as he stands up.

"what the hell are you talking about?" he spits as he feels his hands start shaking.

minho frowns.

"chan, i don't know what is up with you and your shitty attitude but i think it just cost you your girlfriend. she just dropped of all your stuff. go to her and fix this before it's too late." minho responds before hanging up.

chan blinks a few times, all the color in his face disappearing.

this can't be happening.

in a second he's out of the studio and rushing towards his car.

he starts the engine and races as fast as he can towards your apartment.

chan taps the steering wheel nervously as he waits in front of a red light.

'please don't let this actually be happening, please.' is the only thing that goes through chan's mind.

after a few more minutes he finally catches sight of your apartment complex.

he parks his car and quickly exits the vehicle, slamming the door shut as he starts running towards the doors of the building where you live.

when he gets closer he feels his heart drop as his eyes land on you.

your back is facing him and you seem to be struggling with finding your pass to enter the building.

“y/n.” chan breathes and you jump a little at the sound of his voice.

you turn around and chan feels his heart break at the sight.

your eyes are bloodshot and your face is puffy.

he notices the way you’re all dressed up and feels his heart break even more when he realizes how much effort you put into tonight.

you’re even wearing his favorite dress.

“what the hell are you doing here?” you spit and chan’s breath hitches in his throat, your harsh tone hitting him.

“y/n, i am so sorr-“

you chuckle bitterly.

“i don’t want to hear it. i’ve listened to you long enough. i’ve tried to understand you long enough. but i am done, chan. we are done. so please leave.” you say almost emotionless, your eyes scanning his exhausted face quickly.

chan’s mouth falls open at your words, not being able to believe them.

“y-you don’t mean that.” chan stutters as he walks closer to you.

“i do. i do mean that.”

you turn around and scan your pass, opening the door.

chan feels like he’s in a nightmare where he can barely move or speak. it feels as if the universe is just playing some sick joke on him.

“y/n, talk to me. we have to talk about this. plea-.” chan tries to stay strong but his voice cracks as his eyes start watering.

“i wanted to talk to you tonight, chan. but you obviously didn’t care about what i wanted, so i see no point in caring about what you want either anymore.”

you are being harsh. you know you are, but at the moment you truly feel numb. no sadness, no happiness, no anger, no love. no nothing.

“goodbye, chan.”

you give him one last look before entering the building. as if chan’s body got a mind of its own, he runs up you to catch the door from closing but he’s too late.

he feels his body go numb against the cold material of the door, hitting it with the palm of his hand as a loud sob escapes his mouth.

his knees give up on him as he slowly slouches down against the door before his body touches the cold concrete, tears falling from his eyes in rapid speed.

he presses his hands against his mouth as he tries to suppress the loud sobs. this can’t be actually happening, right? you didn’t just actually end your relationship with him, right?

he starts hyperventilating as he can’t control his wails anymore.

“please, y/n, please. don’t do this. please tell me this is not real, y/n.”

he repeats it like some mantra, as if it will make him wake up from this nightmare.

but sadly this isn’t a nightmare.

it’s really happening.

and chan knows it’s his own fault.

FEBRUARY 7TH 2022

you look at the yoghurt that’s laying untouched on the table in front of you.

you really need to eat something but it’s like your stomach refuses to. you haven’t had any appetite in days.

in 14 days to be exact.

ever since you and chan broke up you haven’t been the same.

the past 2 weeks you were struggling with even getting out of bed.

you miss him, you miss him so incredibly much.

even though you hadn’t been seeing or talking to him much before your break up, the pain you’re feeling right now is different.

because now you know he is truly not yours anymore and you’re not his.

now you don’t have hope anymore for things to get better.

you want to believe that you made the right decision. you really do. but sadly you can’t. because deep down you know that you will never find someone like chan ever again. even with his flaws.

the first week after your break up, chan tried to contact you a lot. you told him that you really did not want him to reach out to you anymore and eventually he stopped, respecting and maybe even accepting your decision.

he didn’t want to hurt you any longer.

you know that that’s the reason he stopped contacting you and that’s what makes everything hurt even more.

you sigh as you put the yoghurt back in the fridge before making your way to your bedroom.

just as you are about to disappear under the covers of your bed, you hear a knock on your door.

it’s a quick and rather loud knock and it makes you frown.

it’s 1 am, why is there someone at your door right now?

you think that it must be one of your neighbors since no one else is able to enter this building.

you walk towards the door and as you open it you feel your breath hitch in your throat.

your eyes lock with a pair of eyes that you haven’t seen in days.

“chan.” you breathe as you look at the man in front of you.

you barely recognize him.

his eyes are sunken in their sockets, dark eye bags surrounding them. the color in his face seems to be gone completely and both his face as his body seem to be thinner. he must’ve lost a lot of weight in the past 14 days.

you feel your heart crack at the sight of your broken ex-boyfriend.

“y/n, please take me back.”

his voice cracks as he looks into your eyes.

you blink a few times “chan how-“

“i’m so sorry, i tried to accept your decision, y/n, i really tried. but i can’t do this, y/n, i cant live without you, i truly can’t. i am miserable without you.” he starts rambling as tears start falling from his eyes.

“and i am insanely sorry that i am only realizing this now. i am so sorry that i didn’t realize the way you were suffering all this time, that i didn’t realize your pain. i am so sorry, y/n.”

you don’t even realize you started crying too until salty tears touch your lips.

“i’ve only thought about my job and about my career instead of thinking about the one thing that i truly find most important in my life. i’ve neglected you and i don’t think i can ever forgive myself for making you feel like i didn’t care for you anymore.”

he wipes his eyes but it’s useless as the tears won’t stop anymore from flowing.

“and the fact that i am here right now, is so selfish of me, i know that and i am so terribly sorry. but please, y/n, take me back.” he begs.

a sob escapes from your mouth as you look at him.

“please take me back, baby.” he repeats softly, his heart terrified of your answer.

“i really need you, y/n.” he adds, feeling defeated as you stay silent.

you want to hold him in your arms, to hug him tightly and to kiss him, to tell him you forgive him and that everything is okay. your heart is screaming for him.

but your brain knows that you can’t just go back to how things were as if nothing ever happened. you deserved better treatment than what you got from him the past months. you still know this.

but you want to give him another chance.

a chance to redeem himself. to explain himself and to really listen to you and to communicate with you more. to show you that he now knows that a relationship can’t grow when it’s not being watered.

you want to give him another chance to show you that he truly needs you.

so you nod.

“lets talk.” you propose quietly, a small smile ghosting over your tear-stained lips.

chan feels his heart stop beating for a second as he hears your words before it starts hammering against his chest.

his face lights up through the tears as he nods quickly.

“yes. oh my god, please yes, let’s talk.” he rambles, wiping his eyes once again as you move to the side so he can enter your place.

as he enters the hall, his eyes lock with yours again for a second.

and in that moment chan knows that he will not waste this chance you’re giving him.

he will never make you feel unloved ever again.

MARCH 8TH 2022

you quickly put on some perfume and check the way you look one last time in the mirror before walking towards the door.

you open it and a smile paints itself on your lips as you look at the brown haired man in front of you.

his eyes widen for a second as they scan you from head to toe.

“you look incredible.” he breathes as he stares at you with an adoring look in his eyes.

you chuckle as you take the flowers he hands you, thanking him.

“you don’t look too bad yourself,” you respond, loving the way this suit looks on him.

chan chuckles shyly as he looks down.

“let me quickly put these in a vase and then we’ll go, alright?”

chan nods as he follows you inside your apartment.

he puts his chin in hand, leaning his elbow on the counter as he lovingly gazes at you while you put the flowers in a vase.

“what are you staring at?” you grin, not taking your eyes off the flowers.

“just at the most beautiful girl in the world.”

you groan before laughing.

“can you quit being sappy for five seconds?”

he laughs too. “no, i will never stop being sappy for you.” he then adds before walking up to you from behind, wrapping his arms around your waist as he presses a kiss on your shoulder.

you close your eyes for a second, loving the warmth of him being so close to you.

you turn around in his arms, wrapping your own arms around his neck as you stare at him lovingly.

“i love you,” you say, looking into his eyes.

chan has heard you say these words countless of times to him, but it never fails to make his heart speed up and cheeks turn rosy red.

he leans in and presses his lips onto yours.

“i promise, i love you more. forever.”

———————————-———————————-

masterlist

Bloody noses and iced espressos

Tw: blood and injuries

The gym teacher's whistle rang through the air as the volleyball hit the floor.

"Point wolves" he announces before noticing you dip down into a squat and hold your nose, hair falling into your eyes as blood drips through your fingers onto the polished wood floor.

"Are you alright y/n?" He climbs down from the referee stand at the net to check on you.

"Umm… I think my nose is bleeding." You laugh awkwardly, avoiding getting more blood on your white shoes while your teammates guide you to the bleachers, arguing about who has to sit out with you while the other team is left abandoned with the offending volleyball.

"Do you think they're ok hyung?" Jeongin questions their captain, the one who hit the ball into your face.

"Do they look ok innie? Channie hyung probably broke the poor kid's nose." Seungmin speaks, poorly hiding his laughter as their concerned friend rushes over to check on you.

"Oh my gosh are you ok? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hit your face." The frantic boy is cut off by your exasperated gym teacher.

"Go get the poor kid an ice pack instead of bothering them with pointless questions. You can flirt with them later when they aren't bleeding out all over the gym." He runs out of the gym to the nurse as his teammates group together and walk over to see if you're alright. Their hushed whispers reach your ears as your friends worry over you.

"I'm still worried about them hyung. What if chan hyung really broke their nose?" Felix whispers to Minho, trying not to draw extra attention to himself as he tugs at his blonde strands of hair.

"Y/n are you even listening to me?" Your friend Mae waves her hand in front of your face, drawing your attention away from the group of boys approaching and back to your concerned teammates.

"Sorry guys, I kinda zoned out. What did you say?" Mae rolls her eyes at you fondly

"Well now that your head is out of the clouds and back on earth, our teacher wants to check and make sure that you didn't get a concussion" she speaks to you slowly, making sure you understand what she's saying.

"Concussion? Did I really hit them that hard?" The boy reappears with an ice pack from the nurse and goes to hand it to you while your teacher checks you over.

"Did I really hit them that hard?" Mae mocks him, earning a smack from you.

"Stop it maemae. He didn't mean to hit me in the face. It was just an accident." She huffs in response to your defense and mumbles.

"It was a pretty bloody accident to make." She remarks as you take the ice pack from the boy with a quiet 'thank you'.

"I really am sorry about the whole 'hitting you in the face' thing. It was an honest mistake" he sits down next to you, looking down at the floor, cringing at your bloody sneakers. You follow his line of sight to your shoes.

"Don't worry about my shoes." you speak. "They're old anyways."

"I still feel really bad about it though. Is there some way I can make it up to you? Coffee maybe?" The boy next to you fidgets, uncomfortable with the pain he put you in, even though you both know it was an accident. The bell rings.

"Well my nose stopped bleeding" you speak, pulling the tissue and ice pack away from your face to look him in the eyes as he walks you to your next class." So… how about that coffee date you offered pretty boy? He blushes, ears flushing red as he agrees.

"Good. Maybe on our date you can tell me your name, pretty boy?" You look up at him as you stop in front of the doorway to your last class for the day and he finally speaks.

"It's chan."

Think About It pt.1 || Chris Bang

⇢ summary: you were never one for parties, drinking or even sex. how could you? you were a virgin, not even having your first kiss yet. sure you had just turned eighteen, but there was no one out there for you. that is until the school’s certified bad boy takes a notice to your existence. (high school au)

⇢ genre: angst; smut; one shot

⇢ word count: 3053

⇢ warnings: swearing; smut (semi-public sex, wall sex, mild praise kink)

⇢ note: chris is a whole ass snack fight me. so sorry that this is short.

Fuck. Life can’t get any better than this.

This is your last year, your senior year of high school. God it’s frustrating. Exams, friendships, collage, work, sex. Woah! Way off course there. Where has your head been?

Life was chaos. Life was shit. Nothing could change your mind.

It was your last period of the day, calculus. Finally, time to sleep. You’re calculus teacher never cared what the class did, but since it was everyone’s last year, everyone worked at their own pace. Some kids would team up and work together while your teacher watched reruns of Young and The Restless on her laptop.

Sighing, you placed your junk on an empty desk. You ran your fingers in your hair before plopping down in your seat. The stress of school finally caught up with you, and it was over whelming.

Shaking your head, you took out your textbook and notebook and started working.

34. Solve and show your work.

F(s) = L(f(t) = 0¥ e -st f(t) dt

You looked at your book in shock. When in the world would you ever use this?Groaning, you slammed your head into the desk. You were never going to get through this year. It would take a miracle.

You brought your head back up to do your work, but met eyes with the school’s legendary bad boy. He had a whole gang behind him, most being freshmen and sophomores. Sure he was hot, but he was deadly. Anyone who crossed paths with him would be obliterated. His name? Chris Bang. However, he made sure that everyone called him Bang Chan, or Chan for short. 

Girls drooled on him. He was a player, a ‘fuck boy’ if you will. You were even surprised how he had relationships with four teachers, half of the students in school, and managed to keep straight A’s. It was amazing how he still hasn’t failed. Remember how if someone crosses Chris that they’d be a pancake? Well they’d never see the sun ever again if they crossed any of his kids. Stray Kids, that’s what they called themselves. They never played by the rules of the system, making sure that the schools knew that everything was bullshit. They were a glitch in the matrix. The rules didn’t apply to them.

He looked at you for a second before standing up, moving over to you, a smirk played on his lips. The classroom went silent, waiting for him to do something.

Noticing the change in the atmosphere, he yelled, “Hey, can’t a guy get some privacy?” With that, the room went back to it’s chatty self. 

The elder grabbed a chair, placing it in front of your desk, settling himself so that his legs were on wither side of the head. The classic ‘fuck you’ position.

He placed his head on your book, blocking your view from the problem. You frowned angrily. “Can you move?”

He looked up at you, his curly, dyed hair fell over his eyes a bit, making his usual hard look soft.

“No. I like it here, so sorry.” He shifted a bit, moving over your textbook a bit more. 

Giving up, you slumped back into your seat, arms crossed over your chest. He stayed there staring into your eyes. He was intimidating, no wonder he got away with literally anything. He could have Kim Kardashian give him a house with a single look. You gulped nervously, he was too intimidating, it was unsettling. You must’ve been cowering in your seat because he softened his gaze on you. It was only then when you noticed that his eyes were a soft brown shade.

“So, I hear that you’re still a virgin.”

You gulped looking around, making sure no one else could hear you. You lowered your voice down to a whisper, “Who the fuck told you that.”

Chris put his hands up in surrender, lifting his head from your desk. “Rumors spread fast around here, but I guess that it isn’t a rumor, it’s the truth.” He raised an eyebrow, daring for you to deny it.

Anger boiled up inside of you, your blood reached unnatural temperatures. You struggled to keep from punching him square in the face. “Fine, what do you want from me.”

Chris smirked at you, leaning in to whisper in your ear. “Just wondering if it’s boring being one. You know, loosing it is actually pretty fun. Call me if you ever need a release.” He slipped a folded piece of paper into your jacket pocket.

With that he was back at his previous seat, with two other guys, one with with purplish-silver hair, the other had strawberry blonde hair. 

Placing your hand in your pocket, you fished out the piece of paper. Unfolding it it read:

(xxx-xxx-xxxx)

Think about it sweet cheeks - B.Chan

Rolling your eyes, you placed it back into your pocket, trying to focus on your work. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you were urging yourself to text him. He was fine with it, you needed a break, it was your senior year. Everything was fine.

A minute before the bell rang, you took out your phone, plugging in the number.

To: xxx-xxx-xxxx

(1:34 pm) Meet me behind the school today, near the construction site. - Y/n

You closed your phone, watching Chris to see his reaction. His phone buzzed in his pocket, reaching in, he read the text. A second later, he looked up at you and winked. 

Feeling your cheeks burn in embarrassment, you turned away, walking over to the door, leaving the classroom.

The hallways finally emptied when Chris left the room, trying not to draw any attention to himself. He couldn’t believe that you were truly up for it. He never really tried to target virgins, but something drew him to you. It may have been that he’s never done it with a virgin and you were possibly the only one left at school. It could have been how unnaturally pretty you were. Well, whatever it was, he was entranced by you. He needed you, more than he’s ever needed anyone else. It was shocking to even him. Woojin noticed his bizarre behavior, and urged him to go for it. 

So that’s what he was doing. However he couldn’t help but feel nervous. Why was he nervous? There should be no reason for it. He’s had sex so many other times with people younger and older than him, so why was he nervous?

Before he could even think about why, he reached the back of the school, where you were waiting. You looked so pretty, hair tied back, loose strands in your face. Plump, pink lips perfect for kissing. You’re cute button nose. He had to restrain himself from taking you right then and there on the wall of the school. However there was a bit of common decency in him that waited for your consent.

You shifted back from foot to foot, nervous. “Um, so-” You were silenced by a finger on your lips. Chris had moved closer to you, so close that you could feel his warm breath lightly fan your face. The atmosphere thickened quickly.

“Trust me on this Y/n, I know what I’m doing. Just try not to moan too loudly. You got that baby?” He tilted you chin up to make you look in his eyes. You nodded slightly. “Good, are you sure about this?”

He was a gentleman when he wanted to, but you snapped out of it, remembering that he didn’t care.

You nodded, feeling Chris place his lips on yours. Fireworks. That’s all you could feel as the two of you melted into each other. He was intoxicating. He smelled of sandalwood and tasted of oranges with a hint of rosemary. You immediately wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. So this was the kiss of legends. The kiss that made people question their own beliefs. You loved it.

Chris placed his arms around your waist, bringing your body closer to his. You laced your fingers through his soft locks, wishing that you could do that forever. The kiss was getting so heated that you pulled away, forehead resting on his. The two of you were a panting mess. His arms hovered over yours, creeping up to your cheeks. He held you in his hands, urging you to kiss him again.

You pounced. He was your air, your oxygen. Without him, you’d be dead. You needed him, and he you.

Chris must have been feeling needy because he brushed his tongue against your bottom lip, asking you for permission to enter. Feeling submissive, you obliged. Thought of the act made you cringe before, but experiencing it now was a drug. He explored your mouth, not missing one nook or cranny. 

The clothes on you began to restrict your actions, making them harder for you to melt into his touch. Pulling away, you stared into his lust filled eyes.

“Chan, I need you.” You panted for a second, catching your breath.

With that, he grabbed the hem of your light blue top, lifting it over your head. The warm air on your stomach and breasts made you shiver with anticipation. Chris wasn’t meeting your eyes, but your round, perky chest. You were always self conscious about your body, but the second Chris started admiring you, you reached a whole new level of confidence.

Hesitantly, he licked his lips, practically drooling over you. “C-can I?” He slowly raised his hand, stopping just before he grabbed your left breast to look you in the eyes. He may be a fuck boy, but he was acting more mature than usual in this moment.

This was it. It’s now or never. “Yeah.” You nodded as well, just for reassurance.

Chris’ eyes grew wide as he softly cupped you. His hands were huge; they  looked so perfect resting on your chest. You gasped at the touch, shocked that this would be it. There’s no going back.

He wrapped his empty hand behind your back, releasing you of your confinements in a split second. He let go of you, letting you slide it off your arms. It fell to the ground, leaving your top completely exposed to the outside world. Fuck, the outside world. You immediately covered your boobs with your arms, feeling the insult come at you from your family, friends, teachers, even strangers.

Chris placed his hand back to your cheek. “Y/n, if you don’t want to do this then that’s fine.”

You shook your head. “Just strip already so we can get this over with. I have to be home soon so my mom doesn’t question where I’ve been.” You could feel your cheeks grow a light shade of pink.

No other words had to be shared before Chris stripped himself of his shirt and shorts, leaving him in his boxers. Damn was he toned. You knew he worked out often but you didn’t know she was ripped.

Gulping, you shimmied your way out of your pants, leaving yourself in only a pair of lacy underwear.

You were about to make a move on the elder once again, but he stopped you. “Listen here, if you want to have sex, there can’t be anything covering you, okay sweet cheeks?”

You frowned. “Well that goes for you too Chan.” You moved your hands down to your hips, dragging the thin piece of cloth off of you. Thank the lord I just shaved last night.

Chris smirked at you, admiring your naked body in all it’s glory. He could devour you right then and there, and he’d probably beg you for seconds. How did he not see you before? You were and angel, a total babe. What was wrong with him?

He made himself look away from you, determined to finally taste you before you ran off crying. He slid off his boxers, exposing himself to you.

You’re eyes went big. Dang he had a nice package. It wasn’t to big or too small. He was just the right size for your first and, probably, last fuck. The perfect size. He was pretty well trimmed as well, nothing too crazy.

You gulped. Shit.

Before you could do anything, Chris stepped over to you, no more than three inches apart from you. “Princess, do you want me?” Nod. “Do you need me?” Another nod. “Then get ready for the fuck of your life.”

You laughed. “Don’t get too cocky there Chan.”

He chuckled, putting his hands up in surrender. “My last name is Bang for a reason you know.”

You smiled, loosely wrapping your arms around his neck again, pulling him in close for a kiss. Naturally that kiss went heated the second it started. He tilted his head to the side, deepening the kiss more. You broke for air.

“Jump baby.” Hearing this term used daily at school, you obliged, wrapping your exposed legs around his bare torso. The kiss resumed almost instantly before he place your back gently against the wall of the school. You moaned, feeling him place his plump lips on your neck. He traveled around, trying to find your sweet spot. Once he hit it, you gasped, leafing your fingers though his locks, gripping on firmly.

You felt him smirk against your skin, he moved lower, towards your breasts. Teasing one of them fondly. He pinched your hard nipple, moans escaping your lips. He began to massage it as he placed his mouth on the other, tasting your sweet breasts.

You placed your head on the wall, eyes closed, “Chan, please. Don’t stop.”

He released your breast from his mouth with a loud pop. “Chris. Fuck, call me Chris.”

He couldn’t believe he just said that. He’s never asked a girl to call him by his first name during sex. It was unholy. Almost as if he would loose part of his soul if they called him by his real name. However with you, he needed to hear you moan his name. Just the anticipation alone was killing him.

Chris went back to having his mouth on your breast, sucking. You gasped. “Chris. God, yes!”

He couldn’t help but feel his boner come faster than usual. He tried to restrain himself, but with you panting his name, he couldn’t help it, and you felt it.

You grabbed Chris by his cheeks, forcing him off your breast. You missed the contact already. “Chris, I don’t have all day. Take me already.”

“Yes princess.” He smirked, grabbing himself and positioning it at your entrance. He stopped, remembering the condom. Quickly, he let go to you, knees on the ground to fumble through his pants’ pockets.

He grabbed one triumphantly, un wrapping it before placing it on his length, making his way back to you. You jumped back on him, feeling the contact of the rubber on your heat.

Gasping, you looked at Chris in his eyes.

“Baby, look at me. I want you to look at me when I cum in you okay?” You nodded, felling him slowly push himself into you.

Fuck it hurt. You were being ripped alive. You wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders, scratching his back, trying not to scream in pain.

“Fuck baby, you’re doing so good. Just a bit more just me. Don’t worry baby.” His soft whispers made you feel safe when you knew you shouldn’t have.

He fit himself inside you, he stretched you out, god you couldn’t fit anymore. Panting, you released your nails from his back, feeling better that the pain had subsided.

“Ready of the real fun Kitten?” Kitten? Where did that come from? He was no longer in control of his actions. nicknames and actions spewed out of him like they were used regularly, yet he’s never even considered them as a though before. Not even going to lie, both of you loved it. 

Slowly, Chris began to move, small thrusting, to get you adjusted to his size. You couldn’t help but beg for more. The pleasure was surreal. No wonder so many kids ditched school for it. Sex was more addicting than drugs or alcohol.

“Chris, faster. God faster, please.” You felt the grip on your waist tighten as he sped up his case, faster and faster.

“Fuck baby you’re so perfect. Yes, fuck. You like that? Shit.” He panted in your ear, making you feel pleasure all the way down to your toes.

The moment was perfect. The pleasure the two of you felt was insane. You needed him. More. You removed yourself from his shoulders, looking at him in the eyes. The amount of affection the two of you had towards each other made you question your every belief in relationships. His eyes shone not only lust, but something else you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

“Princess, I’m going to come okay? Fuck you’re so tight!” He lowered his head, regaining consciousness. 

Feeling the courage to spice things up a bit, you tightened yourself around his length. He couldn’t control himself, he released his seed in you, filling you up to the brim. Moans and yells escaped both of your lips. You collapsed into his arms, being released from your high.

He played you down, trying to regain the strength to stand again. He took off the condom, tossing it into the sewer not too far from you.

You couldn’t believe it. You just had sex with the school’s bad boy, and it was heaven.

About a half an hour went by, the two of you lying down on the grass, naked, behind the school, recovering from probably the best sex you’ll ever have. The silence was comfortable, until Chris got up, grabbing his clothes and dressing himself. You sat up, watching him cover his perfectly toned body. Of course, you were just another one of his daily fucks,

“Hey, perhaps tomorrow, if you're not busy, maybe you’d like to get coffee or something. I’m not really used to doing this. I don’t know, maybe I’m still high from your body or something, but I’d like to see you again.” He winked at you. “Think about it sweet cheeks.”

With that, he walked away, leaving you alone to your thoughts. Perhaps this wouldn’t be the worst year of your life.

@lemonybaby67

Call Gone Wrong || Chris Bang

⇢ summary: your boyfriend was a busy boy; constantly at work, never spending enough time with you - it was frustrating. you couldn’t handle it anymore, and demanded to join him the next time a job arose. though, you messed up, ruining the mission. how will your boyfriend take it? (mafia au)

⇢ requested: can you make another bang chan smut mafia gang where he gets mad cause you did something on accident when he got a call for work and he took you to with him to take care of it?

⇢ genre: romance; angst; smut; one shot

⇢ word count: 1352

⇢ warnings: swearing; smut (spanking; marking; orgasm denial; overstimulation)

⇢ note: i hope this is what you were asking for. sorry it’s kind of short.

The door slammed shut, walls shaking from the impact. Furniture and pictures mounted on the walls moved slightly in place. He’s never been this angry, and it was terrifying. He didn’t look at you. He refused, facing the door instead; forehead placed against it. The leather jacket on his shoulders shook in anger, threatening to fall off. The room was still, everything frozen. You stood in the living room, hands folded in front of you, slightly playing with the hem of your shirt.

You were scared, nervous, concerned, sad. You’ve never seen Chris like this, he’s never been this angry before. Which of course terrified you.

He stood still, jacket no longer threatening to fall off. The brown, curly hair on top of his head was damp from the rain. Time sat still for a moment, before he chuckled. Those chuckles became maniac-like cackles, signaling that you fucked up bad. Cackles ceased once his fist came into contact with the door. So much anger was bottled up inside that it came out in fury. You flinched, cowering at his state.

He turned around, face as hard as stone. His eyes were empty as he stared at you. Blood stains covered his clothes, ruining the fabric. You stood their, shaking at his aura. You didn’t mean for this to happen, you just had to react. Chris should never have brought you. You had always know, deep down inside, that you were a waste for his team. No more. No more.

He dragged his feet slowly towards your cowering figure, tracks of dirt followed. He brought his hand up to cup your cheek. He was gentle, but his intentions were rough.

“Why? Why Y/n?” He placed a stray strand of hair behind your ear, “Fucking hell, why?!” His voice echoed in the small apartment you shared. His once soft tone was rough in your ears. Why did you do it? You knew what the consequences would be, so why did you do it? There had to be a reason, right? Was it to prove something to him? Was it to prove something to yourself? You didn’t know.

Chris lightly placed his fingers under your chin before forcing you to look at him, violently pulling your face towards his. “Y/n, Kitten, my Princess. You know I love you right? Of course you know that, so then why did you do that? You knew this call was extremely critical to the team, and you interfered when I told you not to. You were told to stay in the car, were you not?” His grip on your chin tightened, “Why did you have to go behind my back and leave the car? You’re such a naughty little girl.”

You gulped. He rarely ever called you that, which was usually when he came home drunk, naturally that always lead to sex, where he’d whisper that in your ear. This was the first time he’s ever called you that sober. Damn you fucked up big time.

You shivered as a hand slowly tailed up the small of your back, underneath your shirt, reaching your bra. Chris brought his own face to your ear, warm breath fanning your face. “You need to be punished Kitten, you almost revealed our intentions out there today. Now, go head into the bedroom; I want you completely undressed when I walk in there.” He let go of your chin, watching you as you walked into the room.

You sat on the bed, undressing, throwing your clothes in the hamper. The air conditioned room brought chills to your skin. Chris has never been to extreme in bed; he was always afraid of hurting you, which was ridiculous because you always wanted him to be rough. However, tonight might not be the best time to experiment. You waited in anticipation, the suspense killing you.

You looked up from the floor to see you’re boyfriend standing in font of you, naked. In his right hand, a pair of handcuffs; the other, a blindfold. You gulped, staring into his lust filled eyes. Shivers ran down your spine as he looked you up and down.

“Oh, we’re going to have some fun tonight baby.” He licked his lips, his dark side being released into the world.

Beads of sweat covered your body, strands of hair sticking to your forehead, red had prints... Smack.

You hissed at the harsh contact, Chris wasn’t going easy on you yet it turned you on so much. One, two, fifteen, you had lost count. Bent over his lap, hands tied tightly behind your back, ass sticking up, just how Chris wanted his baby girl. He pulled you up by your hair, roughly throwing you onto the bed, his shadow covered your frame as you lied there helpless. His strong hands gripped your hips pulling you up, you felt hot lips kiss your shoulders. Another sharp hit.

“God baby, I want to fuck you till you black out, but first your punishment.” You moaned as you felt his lips make contact with your skin, it burned.

Your body was hot, air left your lungs, all you could do was moan and beg. You felt his power, his dominance, his dark side, it was intoxicating. His scent, his touch, even his eyes on you, it made you burn with desire. You didn’t feel the pain, just the pleasure behind it, the pleasure behind the dirty words, the degradation. You were his little slut, he could throw you, spank you, choke you, do everything he wanted with you. That’s exactly what he was going to do.  You felt his fingertips dig into your skin, another bruise, your back was filled with love bites, so next time you looked into the mirror you remembered you were daddy’s good girl. 

Long fingers barely entering you, had you shivering at the light sensation. You were needy, practically begging him to fuck you but all you got in response were dark chuckles and spankings.

“You don’t get to make request today, you heard me? Bad girls don’t get to get fucked until daddy feels like it.” You nodded slightly, Chris wrapped his hand around your throat, squeezing lightly. Small whimpers left your lips as he pulled you against his chest, length aligned with your entrance. He bit your ear lightly, whispered how naughty you were, and how hard he was going to fuck you. As you were about to speak he thrusted in you, full strength. You screamed at the contact, it felt so good, his cock filled you up so well.  Chris groaned as he felt your heat tighten around him, he stared kissing your neck, marking it all over before he pushed you right back on the mattress. He grabbed your tied arms with one of his hands and your hip with the other. His thrusts were brutal, inhumane. He moved harshly, groaning your name once in a while, telling you how good you made him feel. You felt a knot tying in your stomach, he was driving you over the edge.

“D-daddy p-please, I-i’m ...” Chris pulled out abruptly, you whined at the loss. He flipped you over now laying on your back and grabbed you by the throat. Thrusting in you once again, you felt pure bliss under his touch, at one point everything got blurry, you weren’t aware of what came out of your mouth but whatever it was, made him go harder and god was it good. You screamed his name over and over begging him to give you more, fuck you harder. 

He drove you over the edge over and over again, you came over times than you could remember, yet he kept going, filling you up with his cum. His length was tearing you apart, his thrusts made you lose your senses, it wasn’t normal, the feeling was addicting yet unbearable. Chris got high off of your moans, your screams begging him to stop, telling him it was too good, how you couldn’t handle it. He thrusted his hips a few more times and came in you for the last time that day. 

@lemonybaby67

This deadass made me sob, I'm not even kidding 😭😭

Vanilla

Genre : ANGST!!!!! with a happy ending

Pairing : Bang Chan x reader

Warnings : A lot of SADNESS, obviously. Breakup and everything that goes with it.

Had a really stressful week and was in the mood for some angst, i hope you enjoy reading and please let me know if you do :)) it will be much appreciated<3

--------------------

It was nearing 3 am, when Chan finally came home to you. He was tired, his shoulders hunched over as if he was carrying the world's weight on them. And in a way he was, he had too many responsibilities it sometimes felt like he drowned in them. But you were his anchor, keeping him afloat.

He opened the door, sighing when his feet hit the soft rug you had in the living room. It was dark in your apartment, save for the moon that bathed it in a soft, silvery glow.

It takes some time for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they do, he is surprised to see you fast asleep on the couch, curled around yourself in a ball.

He frowns, a dull ache settling in his heart. This is a sight he had seen way too much these past few months. He hadn't been home nearly as much as he wanted, the only times he ever saw you were at night, sleeping.

When was the last time you had a proper date? He thought to himself. He couldn't remember.

He quietly kneels in front of you, his hands hovering over the soft curve of your body. He couldn't bring himself to touch you, he felt like he was breaching an unknown territory. He who had once memorized every nook and cranny of your body.

He closes his eyes, leaning his forehead onto the couch. A foreign scent hits his nostrils, coconut. Since when did you change your vanilla perfume?

Had it really been that long?

Hot tears start pouring out of his eyes. He wanted to do so much more for you, be there for you all the time. You deserved more than what he could give you. And he knew you'd never complain, he knew you'd settle for less just because you love him.

He couldn't allow any of this to go on any further, he wanted you to be happier, even if it meant letting you go.

His muffled cries wake you up, and you look at him confused as to what is going on. When you grasp that he's crying, you quickly sit up, your worried eyes racking through his face.

"Chan, baby? What's wrong?", you ask, your voice sweet like honey. He knew he'd miss your voice the most.

"Just let me hold you". He was kneeling before you, his head buried in your lap. He just wanted to enjoy those last moments with you. The calm before the storm.

Your hand instinctively finds his hair, playing with it just like you know he likes it.

No, he'd miss your touch the most.

He finally looks up at you, his teary eyes staring at you with such intensity it made your heart beat faster. He has never looked at you this way; like it'd be the last time he'd get to do it.

No, he'd miss you the most.

"We need to...", he starts off, the words stuck in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to say them, but he had to. "We need to break up".

"Pardon?", you say, a chill running down your spine. "You are messing with me, right?", you smile nervously, your fear growing with each silent beat, "Right?".

"No. We need to... We have to break up", he repeats, his eyes looking anywhere but your face. You grab his head with your hands, forcefully making him stare at you. "Chan, look at me. You mean it?", you ask, your voice sounding so small to your ears.

"Yes. Yes, this is not working anymore", he answers, this time with a little more conviction. He needed to make this quick, he didn't want to hurt you anymore.

"Why? Did I do something? Are you mad at me?". Tears were now falling freely from your eyes, you were confused and hurt. You wanted him to hold you and go back to sleep.

"No, you didn't do anything. But this can't go on anymore. Don't make this any harder for the both of us".

"I shouldn't make this harder for the both of us?", you repeat incredulously. "YOU are the one breaking up with me in the middle of the night. And for no apparent reason", you point out, your chest heaving, from fear, anger and pain.

"I'm leaving", he stands up, wiping the tears from his face. You stand up too, stopping him in his tracks with a hand on his wrist. "If you leave now...", you pause, your voice shaking, "If you leave now with no explanation, you can't come back Chan. I won't open the door for you".

"Goodbye yn", he whispers, not looking back as he leaves your apartment.

The sound of the door slamming after him lingers in the air long after he's gone. You imagine it's the same sound your heart made when Chan broke it in two.

------------------------------------

An agonizingly long week has passed by since Chan broke up with you. This means it's seven nights he could have come home to you, seven sunsets you could have seen together, seven morning kisses you could have shared, seven meals you would have made him.

Seven days where the world went on as if nothing changed.

You think back to the night he left, how you cried yourself to sleep on the couch of your living room. How you woke up, expecting to see him; three seconds of bliss.

But then, you remembered.

A sob racked through your body instantly. Memories flood your brain, choking you as they come and go. They were like waves of hurt swarming you, drowning you in a feeling of sorrow too strong for your heart to bear.

It takes you a while to find the courage to go to your bedroom. The one you've shared with him for the past eleven months. You pause right next to the door, it felt wrong to head in there knowing Chan won't join you in the bed anymore. It felt wrong to taint a happy room with the ugly truth.

But you finally open the door, tentatively, as if you were expecting to find him sitting in there. The sun is streaming through your curtains- the ones you bought together. Your eyes rack through the entire room, the sight of Chan's belongings so untouched stabbing your heart once again.

His black beanie, the one he wore the last time you saw him, was tossed lazily on the bed. His earrings are placed on the cabinet right next to the door. A half-empty glass of water was on his bedside. A drawer was left slightly open, his chair was pushed a bit too far.

Did he know? When he woke up that day that he wouldn't return? And if he had known, would he have tidied up? Or would he have left the room as it is? A token that he was here, he was here and he was yours and then he wasn't.

You fall on top of the bed and snuggle into your comforter, inhaling his scent that drove you crazy. Is this what is left of him now? His perfume on your sheets and pillow? His clothes on the racks of your closet? His blue toothbrush sat next to yours in the bathroom?

Or is it his kisses on your skin that scorched you in the most beautiful way? His words imprinted in your brain like the most sacred book? His whispers, his promises, his touch? Is all that's left of Chan the way he loved you?

The memories start dancing in front of your eyes, mocking you, taunting you, telling you that Chan was within your reach but that he no longer is. Making you believe that if you closed your eyes long enough, and stretched your fingers far enough, you could reach them, you could force them to become a reality all over again.

You remember the nights you had spent in his studio, you sat on his lap while he worked on a new sound. You remember his smile when he showed you a new track he liked. And then the smiles only meant for you. You've learned to memorize them. His 'good morning' smile, his 'I missed you' smile, his 'I want to ravish you' smile.

You remember your first kiss, and his confession right before "I'm falling for you". The way you sealed your faith when you kissed him. The way he kissed you, so soft, so gentle, but then so needy, so wild, and yet still as enamored.

You remember him supporting your dreams and ambitions, encouraging you whenever you didn't feel like going on. You remember him hugging you, engulfing you in a warmth that you've never known before.

You remember your pinky promises, your strolls on the beach, your 3 am conversations, your late-night drives, when you cooked for him and when he cooked for you.

You remember it all too well.

Staying in the bedroom was too overwhelming, you decide to take a shower to distract yourself a bit. But you didn't have the energy to move your limbs, so you just stood there under the water jet, forehead leaning on the cold tiles.

A while later, you finally head out of the bathroom, wrapping yourself in a towel. It was cold; Chan used to warm them up for you, you remember.

You sit on the bed, feeling hollower than ever. You don't have the energy to wear your clothes, let alone brush your hair.

You remember when you were so tired one day, Chan had to dress you himself. He then gently brushed your hair, untangling all the knots in it. He was so soft with you, so unsure, it made you fall for him tenfold. 

You couldn't bring yourself to tell anyone about the breakup. You knew what your friends would say, you will get better, it will pass. But how long? How long till it doesn't hurt this much? You needed a number, a date, you needed something certain to grasp into.

You knew they'd hug you, but they wouldn't know how to rub circles on your back. They wouldn't thread their fingers through your hair. They wouldn't place a soft kiss on your forehead afterward. They wouldn't be Chan.

Is this how it will be from now on? No hug, enough. No kiss, enough. No one, enough?

You didn't want to, but the sun rose every day and set every night. And so did you with it. You went on with your life as if nothing happened. But you wouldn't be able to recall who you talked to and what clothes you wore. You wouldn't remember what you ate and how you made it back safely every night.

But you remember how one night the sky was pitch black. Chan's favorite color. And that one morning the birds chirped around you like a saddened melody. It made you wonder if they too knew how it felt to lose a loved one. You could talk about the lines stretching in your palm, and how you traced them over and over again. How you tucked your nails into them every time you thought of Chan, leaving behind bloody crescent indents. 

You remember how you didn't cry during the day, willing yourself to stay strong. You didn't cry until you laid yourself in your bed at night. And there, you broke down all over again as if Chan had just left you. 

-----------------------------

Urgent knocks on your door snap you out of your haze. 2:58, you read on your clock. Wasn't it 11 pm just five minutes ago? 

You drag yourself towards the door, checking through the peephole to see who it was. It's Chan, you realize. You panic, you shouldn't open the door, you've told him it would stay closed. 

"YN... I know you're in there, please let me in. I- I need to talk to you. Please", he begs, his tone apologetic. You can feel your heart soften, your anger dissolve. You wanted to see him.

It's ironic, how he was the one who caused you this pain, and yet your heart yearned for him. It's as if your body didn't yet register that he had hurt you. He had been your home for what felt like an eternity after all. 

But no matter how much you wanted to open the door, you couldn't ignore the truth that he had left you. He broke up with you with no explanation, leaving you in a spiral of self-doubt. You can't go back on your word and allow him to hurt you even more.

So, you slide down the door, knocking twice on the bottom of it. He hears it and understands what you mean. You'd listen to him but you won't see him, not yet. 

He sits down on the cold floor, his back to the door. You are closer than you have been this past week, and yet, he has never felt this far.

"I... I love you so much yn. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life", he starts off his voice thick with emotion. You could feel the tears well up in your eyes too, you'd missed his voice.

"And I- I want to be here for you, always. I want to come home to you early on, and I want to talk to you for more than five minutes at a time. I want to see you when I wake up and sleep and I want to be here every time you cry. Every time you need me. And even if you don't, I want to be there with you, for you".

Chan's heart is beating wildly in his chest, he hasn't thought this through, admittedly. All he knew is that he couldn't go on without you. That's how he found himself knocking at your door at 3 am.

"But I can't, I... I can't give you all of this, I can't give you all that you deserve and more", silent tears are streaming down his face, how he wished he had you in his arms right now. "I thought that... I know that I don't deserve you, and I-I imagined you'd be happier with someone else. Someone who won't hold you back as I do".

Your heart is squeezing in your chest, his words cutting through you like a knife. Is this why he broke up with you? Because he felt like he wasn't worthy enough of you?

"And when I saw you waiting up for me again... Something shattered inside of me. That's why... That's why I broke up with you", he pauses taking a deep breath to steady his voice, "but I can't- I can't lose you, baby, please. I- I couldn't sleep without you, couldn't eat, couldn't breathe, I need you yn. I need you".

Chan presses a hand to his heart, he felt as if the air in his lungs set him on fire. Maybe it was the universe's way of punishing him for letting you go.

"You've once told me that I was too self-giving and that I needed to be selfish from time to time. So here I am being selfish, I need you back, I can't- I can't afford to lose you. I can't, yn. It's killing me".

"Why didn't you tell me any of this? We would have talked, I would have told you that I loved you", you speak for the first time since he came. All of this pain could have been avoided.

"Loved? Do you- do you not love me anymore?", his shaking voice breaks your heart further.

"No, no. Of course, I still love you, Chan. I don't think I can ever stop loving you. You just hurt me, a lot", you whisper the last part, you're not even sure he heard you.

"I know and I'm so sorry baby. So sorry. Please, let me make it better, yeah?".

You don't answer and for a moment Chan thinks he's lost you for good. But then, you open the door, slowly, and he scrambles to his feet.

You lock eyes with Chan, for the first time in a week. You've gone longer times without seeing each other, but this time it feels different. You are both different; sadder.

His hand is outstretched towards you but you step back before he can touch you. You wrap your arms around your body, and he drops his hand down, defeated.

"I'm a grown person Chan. I make my own decisions. And long ago, I chose to love you", you say, your eyes never leaving his. You needed to get this off your chest, "You are not always here, and I do miss you but... You make me feel so loved all the time, even when you are not next to me".

"And I wish...", you hug yourself tighter, in a useless attempt to stop yourself from crying. "I wish you saw yourself how I see you. You are enough, more than enough", you take a step forward towards him and he takes three. "You hear me, Chan? You are enough", your hand meets his cheek and it's all it takes for him to break down.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I will never... I will never let you go again. I promise, I promise", he cries, his soft whimpers making your heart ache.

"It's okay. We are okay, I forgive you", you smile softly, wiping his tears away with your thumb.

"We are? You mean it?", he asks you, hopeful eyes looking into yours. You nod yes and he beams at you, his smile so bright it slips through the cracks of your heart, making it whole again.

"Can I... Can I hug you?", he asks and you grin, "Come here".

He pulls you in for a hug instantly, his strong arms encircling your body as if he was afraid you'd vanish. Your body finds his like muscle memory- as if you were solely made to hold each other. Everything around you stills, and at that moment all you know, all you feel is each other.

Chan buries his head in the crook of your neck, placing a soft kiss on your skin. His eyes tear up when he smells it- vanilla. Home.

No Contact

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Word Count: 7.6k

Tags: ANGST with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort

Summary: It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen. You weren't supposed to be in that car, but you were. When you lose your memories from the incident, Chan is ordered to stay away for your recovery's sake; but it takes a larger toll on him than anyone could have imagined. Until one day, he just can't take it anymore.

A/N: inspired by this post. Angst ahoy <3 I had too much fun writing this. Maybe I like writing emotions. Enjoy <3

—————————————————————

No contact. That’s what Chan was told was best for you. That’s what was going to help your healing process. 

No contact whatsoever. No texts, no calls, no little surprise visits. No fucking contact. None. 

He was told it would just hurt you if he talked to you— that he would just make it worse. That you would only become more confused and upset. It would be absolutely detrimental for him to see you.

Hell, it might even make you worse. 

It’s killing Chan slowly. Every single day feels like torture for him. The days get exponentially worse. He feels like a hollow shell of his former self, like the wind goes through him when he steps foot outside. It feels like his shoulders are permanently sagged forward. 

But the worst part is that you don’t even know it. You don’t know how he’s collapsing inwards like a dying star. 

It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen in years. A friend was driving you home that night; Chan had begged to be the one to pick you up, but no, you said it was fine, the friend was heading that way anyway. Why make the unnecessary trip?

You told him he needed sleep. Always putting his needs before your own. You always did. 

He should’ve put up more of a fuss. He should’ve put his foot down. He should’ve already been outside the house in his car with the passenger seat warmer on by the time you left that stupid party. 

He should’ve gotten out of the car and opened the door for you and had a cold bottle of water waiting in the cup holder. He should’ve kissed you on the cheek and asked you all about your time. He should have been there.

But he wasn’t. 

A drunk driver slammed into the passenger side of your friend’s car at a speed that you shouldn’t have even survived.

Miracles do happen, though. But what a price to pay for a miracle. 

For as long as he lives, Chan will never forget the sheer panic and terror he felt when the call came in from your mother. You were already at the hospital undergoing emergency surgery.

He was the last to know. 

After all, he wasn’t your emergency contact. He’s only your boyfriend.

Was. Was your boyfriend. Was? Is that the right word? He isn’t. But he is. There was no breakup. 

Is that what he’s going through right now? A breakup? 

You’re not on a break. But what is this? What is this loss? This severance is so horrible. 

It’s fucked up. It’s a fucked up, amnesia induced breakup. 

Memory loss is a funny thing. Doctors scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders without any answers. The brain is a tricky thing. 

Chan did what he was allowed to in that hospital. He sat in that stark white room under those harsh LED lights and he waited until you were awake. He even waited much longer after that because only two visitors were permitted inside your room at a time— and he wasn’t about to force his way in and kick one of your parents out. 

He let your sister go in first. He even let your cousin go in before him. But when it was finally his turn… 

He never got to see you. 

“The last five years?” Chan asked with a tight throat. Did he even have any more tears left to cry? How is there any liquid left in his body?

“She says doesn’t remember anything, Chan.” Your mother’s voice was just as hollow as his. “She was asking about her freshman roommate.”

A doctor stood in between him and your mom. “It’s best if we don’t throw everything at her at once. Amnesia victims rarely never get their memories back, but we’ve found that it needs to happen organically. Seeing her will overwhelm her and that could stunt the healing process.”

Chan’s mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out at all. His heart may have stopped. 

Does that mean…?

No…

“He can’t see her at all?” Your mother asked quietly. “Not even to visit? He doesn’t have to mention he’s her boyfriend, he can just say that he’s a friend, or a coworker, or—“

The doctor cut her off. “No contact. Not until we’re a bit through recovery and she’s starting to get her memories back.”

Chan was suddenly in a chair. 

When did he sit down? The Doctor’s hands were on his shoulders and he was looking down at him with a sympathetic stare.  

“It’s not forever, son.”

Chan was only able to nod. His mouth was so dry, the back of his neck felt clammy. His head was spinning.

Books often speak of moments as ‘Earth-shattering’. Of moments so catastrophic that the planet stops spinning on its axis and time stands still.

He gets it now. 

The doctor spoke a few more words to your mother before walking away. She looked down at Chan sadly. 

Your mother sat on the chair next to him and wrapped him up in a hug. His world was falling apart around him. You were slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t even see you.

Hot tears poured down his face while he sat there with his head in his hands. Why does it feel like he’s losing you? Why is this the only way? Why are these the cards that are being dealt?

Why didn’t he pick you up from that fucking party?

“She loves you, Chan… she’ll come to her senses, I promise, I promise.”

It’s been two months, one week, two days and eight hours since he’s talked to you. That long since he’s known peace. Since he’s known any sort of comfort. 

You’re the last thing he thinks about before he closes his eyes at night and the first thing he thinks about in the morning. No matter how many times he wakes up and feels the cold bed next to him, it never dulls the ache in his chest.

It’s not a healthy mindset, he knows. And it’s not that you were codependent on one another, that’s not it at all. You were just… ripped away from him. 

Food has no taste. The sky isn’t as blue as it used to be. Clouds don’t make fun shapes like they did with you by his side. The stars are still in the sky, he thinks, he hasn’t had the guts to look at them. 

God, you love the stars so much. You always talked about how pretty they are— how absolutely breath-taking you think the universe is. Chan would simply listen, he would always listen. All he ever wanted to do was listen.

How is he supposed to look at anything the same way? How is any day supposed to be normal when half of his life is suddenly missing. What’s the point of making music if you’re not there to listen to it?

5:00 PM is the hardest hour to get through. You don’t open the door to his apartment when you get off work. You don’t tell him about the things that happened during your shift. 

He can’t leave little snacks out on the counter for you to eat when you get home like he used to. 

Mice would get to it before you did. 

His lonely apartment is slowly losing your smell. He could spray your perfume, sure, you keep a bottle at his place, but it’s not the same. You somehow made the scent sweeter by letting it linger on your skin. 

All of your old toiletries are still there where you left them. Your spare toothbrush has been bone dry and untouched since 9:28 AM that morning. Your shampoo bottles are still half full and waiting for you on your shower shelf.

It had rained a few days before your accident. You had started a puzzle on his dining room table that day– you told him it was the perfect rainy day activity. It was a picture of different comic book covers. It’s now collecting dust. Unmoved and unsolved. 

Just like him.

It was a battle and a half to throw away your leftovers from two nights before your car accident. He felt like he was throwing away your normal life, your tiny domestic traces. 

He didn’t want to cleanse you from his life, but you were washing away. Your ghost was eroding with time. 

Your spare car keys are still hanging on the key ring. Your rain coat is on the third hook draped right over your work bag. Even your phone charger is still plugged into the wall on your side of the bed.

Did you know you forgot to put your favorite gold earrings on that night? You left them on the nightstand. They’re still there, don’t worry. Right next to the glass of water you drank half of. 

Do you even remember them…? He got them for you for your first Christmas together. 

There are so many signs of a life interrupted integrated so deeply into his. 

You’re a clock whose hands stopped suddenly at 1:24 AM. 

This sort of haunting is unbearable. You’re not a phantom in his life, though. You’re something so unattainable that he had once but it was taken away with empty promises of return. 

It’s like you’re a shiny diamond hidden away beneath lasers and traps like in those stupid, cheesy spy movies you love so much. 

Do you know what he would give to watch one of those with you in his arms right now? 

Chan feels like he’s banging on the glass of a one sided window, screaming for you to remember him. Meanwhile you’re on the other side only staring into a mirror, trying to pick up the pieces from before. 

Your mom sends him updates on your condition all the time. He knows that you started working at the local library about three weeks ago. 

You had worked there in college before graduating and getting your last job. It was one of your favorite jobs you ever had. That library was so special to you. 

To him too. 

It’s the library where he first met you. 

The same library Chan finds himself in front of now. 

He shouldn’t go in. He can’t go in. He absolutely should not go inside. 

Bang Chan you should not and cannot go inside this library. Under no circumstances should you step foot inside this building where your other half is working. 

Absolutely not. 

The door emits a soft ding when he opens it. Electronic. Quiet. Peaceful. 

There’s a certain type of silence that sits in a library. It’s closer, thicker— warmer. It’s an expected silence. They’re supposed to be quiet. 

Chan can hear his sneakers take every step on the carpeted floor. There’s no one sitting behind the front desk; that’s where you usually were. 

His eyes look all around, but there’s no sign of you anywhere. A few people toddle around the shelves. 

There’s more soft beeping coming from the self checkout. That’s new. They didn’t have that when you worked here years ago. You probably hate it. 

On the day he met you, you were wearing a pair of dark green pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Your hair was clipped behind your head and pieces were falling over your face. 

Chan was only in the library to look for the bathroom. He was on his way to lunch with a friend, but he just had to stop somewhere. The library was the closest option. 

When he had heard the sound of books falling, he investigated and found you in the center of the carnage, the glasses on your nose sat crookedly and you rubbed your head. 

Your eyes met. He was a goner. 

How disgustingly poetic that he finds himself here now. Where he really shouldn’t be. He was quite literally prescribed a restraining order against you. 

Chan meanders around with his hands in his pockets, the silence getting louder and louder the further he gets inside.

Maybe you’re not working today? 

No one is anywhere to be seen. He’s checking down all the aisles but he doesn’t see you anywhere. 

Maybe it’s for the best that you’re not here. He’s not supposed to see you anyway. He’s breaking the doctor’s rules by doing this anyway. 

He needs to leave. He needs to get out of here. 

His feet stop in front of the very aisle where he saw you for the first time. 

Empty. 

You-less. 

If he thinks hard enough, Chan can picture you in front of him, laughing quietly with the most adorable, embarrassed blush on your cheeks. 

What a moment. 

Is it possible to spend eternity in that moment? Obviously internal clocks can be rewound, paused, flipped every which way; can he go back to that day? Can he go back to the day where every single poem suddenly made sense?

He would take any day, really, any day that had you in it. Birthdays, holidays, late night dates, Hell, he’d even take a day where he only saw you when you dropped off a drink for him in his studio. 

Anything, he would take anything just to see your smile bloom on your face while he watches.

“Can I help you find something?”

His breath catches in his throat, it feels like he’s physically punched in the chest. That voice. That beautiful, melodic voice. He hasn’t heard it in person in months, only in videos he had on his phone. 

Slowly, Chan turns to face the source of his favorite pitch. 

His throat immediately tightens. 

There you are. You. Beautiful you. 

Standing right there. Looking at him like a complete fucking stranger. 

“I…” his voice is hoarse. Chan can feel the tears in his eyes begin to form. He didn’t think this through, did he?

You’re staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to say anything. You’re waiting, come on, Chan. Speak up. Say something. 

Looking up at the shelf, you look back down at him with a smile. “A history guy, hm?”

No.

“Yeah.”

You giggle. “I always had a thing for History.”

He knows. 

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” You respond with a grin. 

Specifically Ancient Rome. He knows. 

You continue. “Specifically Ancient Rome.”

Chan nods and clears his throat. His palms feel so sweaty. His chest is almost panting. Every single cell in his body just wants to lunge forward and wrap you in a hug. 

He wants to bury his face in your neck and sob while you hold him. He wants to tell you that he missed you so much. He wants to tell you how your pillow is losing the scent of your shampoo. He wants to tell you that he’s been DVR-ing your favorite show so that you can watch it later. He wants to tell you about his day. He wants to kiss you until you’re breathless. He wants you to hear the new song he’s been working on.

But—

“If you need anything, let me know.”

You start to walk away.

Chan feels his heart physically break. It’s happening again. He’s on the other side of that one way mirror. It’s happening again! No, no please. 

His eyes widen, the words get caught in his throat. Fuck, Y/N, please!

“W-Wait!” he says quickly. 

You turn around with a curious look. 

“The Odyssey,” he blurts. “Where uh… where can I find it?”

Your eyes light up. “Oh, I love The Odyssey.”

He knows. You collect different translations of it. 

“I collect different translations of that book, here I’ll show you where it is.”

With a little hop in your step you lead him towards all the classics. 

He watches you like you’re an oasis in the desert— maybe it’s because you are. You’re what he’s been crawling towards for two months. 

You lead him all the way to the shelf where the Odyssey lives. Your nimble fingers reach forward and grab one of the copies. 

Green nail polish. You still paint your nails green. You picked that habit up a year after he met you. 

The memories have to be there, Y/N, they have to be. Chan bought you that first bottle of green nail polish as a joke on Saint Patrick’s Day. 

Y/N, please. 

“This translation is my favorite,” you whisper and hand him the book. 

Chan smiles sadly and takes the book from you, unable to meet your eyes. He knows if he gazes into those gorgeous eyes that he’ll lose it. He’ll fall to his knees and cry. 

“Thank you,” he whispers back. 

You stand there for a moment, he can feel your eyes on his face. He always has been able to tell when you were looking at him, it’s a little, secret superpower. 

From foot to foot, your weight shifts. 

You only do that when you’re confused. Why are you confused? Y/N, are you confused?

“I’m sorry…” you start, sounding so unsure. “You remind me of someone…”

It feels like a defibrillator was hooked up to his chest. Chan’s eyes widen and he finally looks up at you. 

You’re looking at him so carefully. He can see the gears turning in your head. Your tongue pokes out of your lips and wets them. 

Y/N, please. 

“I just… I can’t figure out who. Do I… do I know you? I was—” You stop yourself. 

Fuck. Fuck! What was he supposed to say? Fuck! 

Chan wants to scream. He wants to grab you by the shoulders and cry that he’s your soulmate, that he’s the person that knows you better than anyone else in this world. 

Yes, you do, you do know him. And he knows you. He knows how you take your coffee, what movies make you cry, what color jell-o is your favorite. 

He knows that you never wear matching socks and you always lift your feet when driving over railroad tracks. 

He knows that when you were 6 you ran into the corner of a cabinet and that’s how you got that scar next to your eyebrow. 

Chan knows that your entire life you wanted to be an author but you’re so scared of failure that you decided not to chase after it. 

He knows everything. 

“I just have one of those faces, I guess.” It comes out of his mouth so strained. 

You stare back at him so carefully. Do you see right through him?

“Maybe,” you say slowly. You don’t believe him. He knows that tone. You absolutely do not believe a word he’s saying. “Are you sure?”

Chan swallows, he grips the book in his hand tighter. The lump in his throat almost doesn’t go down, more tears prick at his eyes. 

“I would never forget a face like yours,” he chokes out. 

Your eyes widen and you blush, looking to the side with a smile. You always were a sucker for cheesy compliments. 

After thinking for a second, you reach into your pocket and take out a little slip of paper. 

“Here,” you say after scribbling something down. Holding it out, Chan sees it’s your phone number. He has it memorized. “If you ever need more books to read… or find… call me.”

Chan takes the paper with a racing heart. He gives you a smile, his dimples showing. “I think I will,” he whispers to you. 

Another few moments pass of you just staring at him before you nod and giggle nervously. “Well, I gotta get back to work, so..”

Chan nods and moves to the side. You walk past him. 

Your perfume curls around him like a blanket and he craves that sweet serenity he finds when he holds you close and breathes you in. 

Three steps after you pass him, you turn around. “Oh, I didn’t catch your name.”.

“Chan,” he answers softly. 

“Chan,” you repeat. It goes right through him. 

Your voice. Your sweet, beautiful, melodic voice. Finally, he heard you say his name again.

“I’m Y/N,” you whisper to him with a friendly smile. 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Chan has to physically force the word ‘meet’ out of his mouth. 

“You too, Chan.”

And with that, you were gone, retreating back into your fortress of papyrus. 

—————————————————————

A bad idea was going into the library that day. 

An even worse idea was texting you the day after to ask how your day is going. 

And then an absolutely fucking idiotic move was asking if you wanted to go to dinner with him. 

And the worst part? You said yes. 

So, now here Chan was, standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom getting ready for what you thought was a first date, but to him was just a dinner date. 

How is he supposed to do this? He’s not, that’s how. 

Chan fiddles with his bracelet right before his phone rings. 

His heart drops when he sees the caller ID, your mother. 

“Ah, fuck…” he whispers before grabbing his phone. Of course you were going to tell your mom, you tell your mom everything. 

“Hello?” he asks warily into the phone. 

“Hi, Chan,” she says slowly, she sounds nervous, why does she sound nervous. 

“How are you? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Y/N…” Her voice lowers. Chan’s heart drops. “Before you panic, she’s okay! It’s um.. she’s getting ready right now… for a date…”

Chan isn’t moving. Yes, he knows you are. He knows it. But words won’t form in his mouth. 

“Channie.. I’m starting to wonder if that doctor isn’t right.. I can’t stand the thought of her finding someone else when you’re waiting for her… I tried to talk her out of it but she just seems so floaty and happy. God, I feel sick to my stomach.”

His jaw clenches. Now or never. 

“It’s with me,” he blurts. 

Your mom goes silent. Then a huge sigh comes out of her mouth. 

“I wish I could say I’m angry,” a little laugh follows it. “I think I’m only angry that you didn’t say something.”

He tells her everything, down to the way he pretended not to know you. 

“Well, you’re going to have to tell her eventually.” Your mom sounds unsure, herself. 

“Or maybe she’ll remember me.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

Chan sits down on the edge of his bed. His eyes are staring at the wall, unfocused. 

She’s right. What if you don’t? 

“Then, I’ll just … do it all again.”

Silence greets him on the other side of the line. Another tiny laugh comes from your mom. “I always knew you two were perfect together. Just like two magnets, you always come towards one another.”

—————————————————————

“I’ve never eaten here before,” you say with a chipper smile on your face from across the table. 

Yes, you have. 

“Really?” Chan asks, taking a sip of his water. 

“I pass it all the time and always wondered how the food was.”

He looks back down at the old menu. 

This restaurant was more than special to him. It’s where he took you on your first date. It’s an old fashioned burger joint with the greasiest, most delicious French fries in town. 

The first time you guys came here, you talked and talked until the place closed. And even after that, you drove around and talked until it was late. 

“I’ve been here a few times, it’s really good. The milkshakes are some of the best I’ve ever had.” Chan’s sweaty hands fiddle with the menu. 

He’s more nervous now than on the first date. 

“What’s the best one?” you ask with a smile. 

A small laugh comes out of his nose. “The peanut butter one.”

It was your favorite. 

“Yeah but then you can’t have any,” you say so nonchalantly, looking down at the menu. 

His eyebrows knit together. “What?”

“‘Cause of your allergy.”

He stops. 

You stop. 

He has a peanut allergy. Chan has a peanut allergy. 

His lips purse like he’s going to say something but you beat him to the punch. 

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out. “I… I don’t know why I thought that.” Your hands grip the menu a little tighter. “Maybe I’m thinking of someone else?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, no, it’s okay. I… I do have a peanut allergy. Maybe I said something before?”

You stare at him for a long second before looking back down at the menu once more. “Yeah… um. Maybe.”

He definitely did not say something. 

Dinner continues on. Chan listens to you talk and pretends he’s never heard your stories before and he tells you ones he knows he’s said before. 

The entire time, you were beaming at him, just like you used to before the accident. Your face never loses its constant happy glow. He’s not sure that the muscles in your face know how to frown.  

You’re the last two people in the restaurant. The staff doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe they recognize you both. Maybe. 

A lull dips into your conversation. Both of you know you should leave. Neither wants to. Especially the broken man sitting across from you. 

Chan takes the last sip of his drink. The bill has been paid for about an hour at this point. You’re looking down at your lap with a pink flush on your cheeks. 

You bite your lip and look up at Chan carefully. 

“Are you… are you sure I don’t know you, Chan?”

He stares at you. Did you know that you always bite your lip like that when you’re confused? 

“I just… I really feel like I know you. There’s just…” you pause, trying to find your words. He knows you want to tell him about the accident. He knows you want to say it but you don’t want to weird him out. 

What the fuck is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to tell you? 

“Something happened to me a little while ago, my brain’s been… fuzzy since then,” you explain shyly. “I know you said you don’t know me but I just… I can’t help feel like that’s not true.”

Chan’s jaw clenches, his knee bounces anxiously underneath the table. His head turns to the side in his typical nervous tick. 

Your mother’s words echo in his mind, his tongue suddenly feels like it’s swelling to the size of his mouth— making him unable to speak. Should he tell you? Is it now or never?

“I don’t mean to make it weird, Chan.”

He licks his lips and opens his mouth. 

Your phone rings. 

A sigh of relief comes from deep within Chan’s chest. 

Reluctantly, you pick up the phone and hold it to your ear. “Hello? …. No, I didn’t know…. Yeah, of course…. Sure… Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Just as quickly as you answered the phone, you hang up. 

“Sorry,” you mumble. “Someone called out of work for tomorrow, they need me to come in.”

“Do you need to get going?” Chan asks, looking down at the time. It’s well past 10 o’clock. 

A sad smile crosses your face. “I mean… probably.” The time on your watch flashes back at you. He can tell you don’t want to go home yet. 

“Come on, Y/N, I’ll walk you home.”

Chan’s already standing up from the table, picking his jacket up off the back of his chair. You watch his movements and slowly get up, your movements screaming reluctance. 

—————————————————————

It’s three dates later when the two of you are walking down the street towards your house. It’s only a few blocks from here, but you both decide to take a tiny detour through the local park. 

“I have to say I’m a little excited to meet your friends,” you giggle. “I hope that’s not weird.”

You already have. 

“It’s not weird at all. I’m sure they’d like you.” Chan nudges your arm with his elbow, his hands staying in his pocket. 

“Changbin sounds like a blast.”

He was your favorite before.

“The two of you…” Chan thinks over his words carefully. “The two of you would definitely cause some mischief.”

And you have. 

A tiny lull of comfortable silence falls over the conversation. 

Both of you meander towards the swings. A cold wind blows through the air but neither of you react to it. 

With a tiny giggle, you sit down on one of the swings and hold onto the chains on the side. 

You are just so… you. You’re just your authentic self. Amnesia or not, you haven’t changed a bit. It’s so charming.

“I can’t remember the last time I went on the swings.” You start to move your body back and forth, not too much but enough to get the tiny thrill the toy brings. 

Chan walks up and stands next to you, his hand coming out and grabbing at the chain of the swing next to yours. 

The brightest smile stretches over your face. 

God, it really doesn’t take a lot to make you smile, does it? He guesses that means it doesn’t take a lot for him either since he smiles when you do.

He can’t help it.

He watches you move back and forth, the cold breeze kicking up a bit more and blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk. 

“What’s wrong, Chan? Allergic to swings?” you tease. 

He rolls his eyes with a smirk. “No, I just far more enjoy watching you have fun.”

Your cheeks flush. If he didn’t know you, maybe he would’ve chocked it up to the cold. But he knows the difference between your blush and the elements now. 

“You’re a smooth talker, Bang Chan.”

“It comes easy with you, Y/N L/N.”

Another laugh from you. 

“Shameless flirt.”

He puts his hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch! I just speak the truth, that’s all. Not my fault I like seeing you blush.”

Every word that comes out of his mouth feels so natural. If he really thinks about it, he’s in a weirdly unique situation. Not many couples get to start over, to feel those butterflies again. But here he is, his palms starting to get sweaty as he imagines kissing you. 

Would you call it a first kiss? Maybe. 

It has been four dates. It wouldn’t be.. inappropriate to kiss you, would it? The two of you kissed on your third date a few years ago. 

He wants to kiss you so bad. 

Should he? Shouldn’t he? God, why is this so hard?

Chan reaches out and grabs the chain of your swing, pulling it to a very gentle stop. 

“Uh oh, fun police,” you tease and look up at him with a grin. 

Looking down at you, Chan allows his eyes to look over every detail of your face that he already had memorized. You haven’t changed at all except the new scar on the side of your forehead from the accident. 

It’s the same eyes, same nose, same chin that he fell in love with so long ago. 

The same asymmetrical eyes that you’re so self conscious of but he loves. Your hair is wind blown and splayed every which way. It adds a childish charm to your features. 

Very carefully, Chan moves his free hand down to cup your cheek. His warm palm soothes your ice cold face. He hears your breath catch in your throat at his touch. 

His thumb swipes over your cheek, fingertips run down the soft lines of your jawline. Eventually his thumb ends up under your chin which he tilts up. 

Your eyes sparkle. They somehow capture the light of the lamps around the playground. But they’ve always done that. 

You’re always so enchanting.

Is this a good idea? 

Is kissing you the best option? 

But does he even have the strength to stop himself now?

Almost three months without feeling your lips on his has been torture, and here he is, with you in his hands and there’s still this nagging feeling that he should stop. 

One look into your eyes quells that anxiety. 

Your eyes keep flickering down to his own lips, the shaky breath you let out is hot against his fingers. Everything feels warmer compared to the air outside. 

He can’t take it anymore. 

Chan leans down and presses his lips to yours. They’re warm and slightly chapped.

But, my god, he’s never felt anything this heavenly before. It’s like his entire body unwinds. Like a fire was lit inside his stomach. 

He moves his hand to the back of your head and keeps your lips pressed against his. Your head tilts to the side slightly. It’s just like he remembers. 

It’s just the first kiss, he can’t let himself get carried away. He can’t. 

He can’t let his fingers wind through your hair. He can’t melt into your touch on his cheek. He can’t let himself drown in your lips. 

But he is. 

He’s letting you consume his very soul in one kiss. 

How can something feel so healing yet hurt so badly at the same time? It’s like you’re ripping open a wound and bandaging it at the same time. 

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t bring his lips away from yours. Your hand slides down to caress his jawline with those soft, manicured fingers. 

Your lips open and close over his like mirror images. The feeling shoots straight down into Chan’s gut. It’s like the first time for him all over again. 

Those butterflies are going insane in his stomach. Your scent kicks up in the wind and he can’t help but take a large breath through his nose. 

God, he can’t stop himself. It feels too good. 

His hand moves from the back of your hair to cup your cheek and bring you closer. 

He immediately stops. 

Why is your face wet?

Chan pulls away from the kiss and looks down at you with concern written all over his expression. 

You’re crying. Why … why are you crying?

Your eyes open and you look at him confused. 

“Chan?” you whisper. You’re confused too. What?

“Why are you crying, Y/N?” he asks with a thick voice.

Your eyes widen and your own hand comes up to swipe at your cheeks. Sure enough, you’re met with tears. 

“I… I don’t know,” you say so quietly. “I-I’m not sure.”

Chan starts backing away, your eyes snap to focus on his. Your hand shoots up to grab at his to keep him there. You’re still so confused. 

Emotions are flying through your eyes. It almost looks like someone is clicking a light switch on and off in the back of your mind. A lightbulb is flickering in your soul like a dying neon sign in an old shop window. 

Every muscle in your face is twitching.

What’s happening?

“Channie—“ your own voice cuts off by a sob. 

Chan’s heart jumpstarts. You haven’t called him that… not in two months… that’s what you and your mother called him before the accident. 

Are you…? Are you remembering? What’s happening?

Please. 

Slowly, your hand falls from his. 

Chan stays there, unmoving like a statue. What’s happening inside your mind right now? It looks like you’re reaching and reaching for something that you can’t quite put your finger on. 

He's watching you struggle. It’s like when you can’t remember a word. It’s right there. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

You gulp, your eyes leave his and you look down at your lap. The dirt crunches under your feet as you shuffle your shoes around.

Chan swipes his thumb over your cheek, brushing away the tears. He’s biting back his own. 

“It’s okay—“ “I’m sorry—“ are both said at the exact same time. 

He knew it was coming. He knows you. But you don’t know him. Not anymore. 

But you do.

“It wasn’t the kiss. I—“ 

“It’s okay, Y/N.”

You know him. 

“Chan, I really loved the kiss.”

Chan. Not Channie. 

He brushes his thumb over your lips. “It’s okay,” he repeats gently. “You don’t have to explain.”

His other hand comes up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Your eyes slide shut at the sensation. 

Your bottom lip quivers and you pull it into your mouth and bite it. With a tight swallow, your throat bobs. 

“It happens sometimes,” you whisper. “It’s from the accident I had.”

Chan continues to soothingly rub your skin with his thumb. Slowly, he kneels down to be in front of you rather than leaning over. 

The dirt is cold on his knee. It seeps through the fabric of his pants. He couldn’t care less. 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” he whispers back to you. 

You shake your head gently, your hands folding in your lap. “No, no. I… I want to tell you. I need to tell you. It’s been happening more and more whenever I’m around you. It’s like every touch, every word you say bounces around my brain and makes me feel the worst case of deja vu.

“Every time I’m with you I feel like I’m trying to recall a dream I had last night but I just can’t remember what it was.”

You’re rambling. You only ramble when you’re overwhelmed and scared. 

“Chan, every time I’m with you it feels like some part of me is screaming to be let out.”

Your eyes open and you stare right through him. Chan feels his heart squeeze and almost stop completely. Despite your best efforts, the tears keep coming. 

“I was in a car accident a few months ago. I had such a severe concussion that I lost the last five years of my memory.” 

How is your voice so even?

Chan’s jaw clenches. Fuck fuck fuck. 

He knows. Yes, Y/N. He knows. Fuck, does he know! If anyone fucking knows, it’s him. 

“I—“ he starts but you cut him off. 

“Please,” you choke out and take a deep breath. “And since then I’ve been getting bits and pieces of my memory back. Sometimes they’re in large chunks, other times they just … come back.

“When I try to think about my life before the accident. There’s this… person there. Someone important. Someone so, so important that it physically hurts me to think about how I don’t know who it is. They’re a constant. And I love that they’re a constant.”

Your hand comes up to clutch at your jacket right over your chest. 

More tears come out of your eyes. The whites get more pink the more they flow. 

“But I know them. I do! I know them like I know the back of my hand. I-I know they love music. I know they take milk and sugar in their morning coffee. I know they don’t get enough sleep at night.”

Louder and louder your voice gets as you grow sadder and sadder. The sobs between thoughts wrack your chest. 

Him. You’re talking about him. 

Chan’s hands hold your face gently. His thumbs can’t keep up with how much you’re crying. 

Nothing has ever hurt this bad. 

You know him. You just don’t know it’s him. 

Nevertheless, you continue. “I remember that they have the most obnoxious phone alarm in the morning. I remember the passcode to their phone is 032518. I know that they have this one black sweatshirt that I love to steal even though it’s their favorite.”

Chan’s own eyes begin watering, he can’t stop it. You know him. You know him. You’ve remembered him this whole time and you didn’t even know it. 

You reach up and grab one of his hands and place it on your heart. Underneath your jacket, he can feel your heartbeat thudding violently against your chest. 

That same heartbeat he’s been dying to listen to while you play with his hair and tell him about your day. The heartbeat he would give anything to hear as he falls asleep. His throat gets tighter and tighter. 

“I’ve been surrounded by bits and pieces of a ghost and no one wants to help me. No one will tell me anything, and I’m so confused, Chan. I can tell that there’s something that everyone is avoiding telling me.”

A gust of wind picks up through the playground. It nips at his cheeks. It’s now he realizes how many tears are falling. 

A sob tears from his throat. 

You grip his hand tighter. 

“Tell me It’s you, Chan.” You’re begging. You’re actually begging while keeping his hand pressed against your heartbeat. 

“Tell me that you’re the person that I see in my dreams. Tell me you’re the one that loves when I draw hearts on the bathroom mirror after I shower. Please tell me that you’re the one that loves the smell of lemon cookies but can’t stand the taste.”

Oh, god, Y/N.

“Tell me that you’re the one that wanted to pick me up from the party that night but I said no.”

He breaks. 

He breaks right down in front of you. Every single ounce of self control leaves his body and he grabs you out of the swing, yanking you towards his body and holding you against his chest. The emotions that were being kept at bay come out like a raging storm. 

He falls backwards into the dirt, you come crashing into him. Your arms wrap around him at the same time he wraps around you. 

Chan buries his face in your neck, one hand on the back of your head and the other firmly around your waist. 

Wails leave his mouth as he holds you to him. They’re deep and come from the very depths of his soul. The wound that’s been open for months is bleeding.  

Every lonely night. Every dinner where he cooked for two instead of one by accident. Every long day he came back to an empty apartment. It’s all coming out. 

You’re crying just as hard as he is, both of your hands gripping the back of his hoodie like a lifeline. 

Your body in his arms is like a piece of a puzzle. Like he’s the dusty one sitting on his dining room table and you finally came in and finished it. 

Weeks and weeks of grief come crashing down on him. He can’t lie anymore. Not to you. Never to you. 

“It is me,” he cries into your neck, his hand running over the back of your head, feeling your hair slip through his fingers. It’s just like he remembers. “It’s all me, Y/N, It’s me.”

Your cries get louder, your body starts shaking in his arms. 

“I’ve missed you, Y/N,” he cries harder. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much. I missed my girl. Oh my god, I’ve missed you.”

Chan can’t pull you close enough, he can’t get you close enough to his body. You shift around and press yourself into him. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick you up that night. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry you got hurt.” 

Every ounce of grief is surfacing and clawing its way out of his throat. 

“I’m sorry I had to lie to you these last two weeks. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was so broken without you. I broke the doctor’s orders. I needed to see you, Y/N.”

Despite how hard he has you gripped against him, you manage to pull away slightly. You sit up in his lap and look down at his red, tear soaked face. His eyes are puffy and his chest is sputtering with sobs. 

Both of your hands cup his cheeks and swipe away the tears the same way he did for you only a small bit ago. There’s a sad smile on your face. 

“Please don’t apologize, Channie, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Channie. You called him Channie.

He cries harder and buries his face into your chest. Your arms immediately come around him and keep him there, fingers threading into his hair. 

You’re still crying. Both of you are. 

“I know you were just doing what you were told to,” you whisper into his hair. He can hear your voice reverberate in your chest. 

All he can do is cry. 

Months of build up led to this moment. Endless days of going through the motions just for the next to be as dull and tedious led to him falling into you in the middle of a playground at night. 

The only thing you do after that is hold him. You press kisses to the top of his head and whisper that you forgive him over and over. 

Each one adds a stitch to the wound, shutting it.

You’re finally in his arms. You’re finally back where you belong. 

“I missed you,” he says again, his cries dying down. He doesn't know what else to say. There's so much he wants to tell you, but everything dies on the tip of his tongue.

“I missed you too, Channie. My heart missed you so much.”

He sniffles and looks up at you. You pull your sweatshirt sleeve up and wipe away his stray tears gently. 

“Every day it just felt like something was missing. It was you. You were missing.”

Chan can’t find any words to say. He just stares at you. 

"I don't care how long it takes to remember, or even if I never do. I need you by my side for it, Chan."

His eyes sparkle at you for a moment but he leans up and captures your lips with his once more. It feels even better than the previous one.

The two of you relish in the contact, holding each other close and clinging to the closeness of it all.

It's taking everything within Chan not to start crying again. He's worried than any moment now, he'll wake up and this will all be some cruel dream.

But when you pull away from his lips, and he opens his eyes-- you're still there. You're still in his arms and smiling at him like you always did.

The burn is soothed.

“If you think about it,” you start with a tiny smile. “We’re lucky— in a way.”

His entire face screws up, even more confused. “Lucky?”

“How many people get to say they fell in love with the same person twice?”

Chan blinks twice before it feels like his entire body thaws. 

You and your glass half full attitude. He’ll never fucking get enough of it. 

His arms wrap around you again, bringing you down into his chest. You let out a breathy giggle 

“You’re never leaving my sight,” he breathes out. “Never again, baby, never.”

“I don’t ever want to, Channie. I never will.”

[10:05] ~ Late ~

you were holding your phone up to your face, the ringing sound echoing in your empty hallway. you've been trying to call your boyfriend Chan for an hour now, but he hasn't been responding to any of the calls.

you gave up and slid down the wall, soon hitting the floor and hugging your knees. you hated times like these. times where you needed Chan the most, but he just didn't show up. times where your own mind started to nag at you, where voices started to fill your head due to all the stuff going on in your life. you thought dating Chan will help since he understands these problems, but with him always being late... nothing could help.

soon after you started to quietly cry to yourself you heard the door open and quick steps approach you. Chan's strong arms wrapped around you as he knelt next to your shivering figure and he leaned his forehead against your head.

"shhhhh baby... i'm here now... i'm so sorry i didn't pick up your calls, but i knew what was wrong so i had to rush home..." he softly whispered into your ear, his warm breath wandering across your skin.

his hands rubbed your arms comfortingly and soon you felt yourself melt into his touches, your tears drying and your mind slowly calming down, blocking all the bad away.

he picked you up and carried you to your shared bedroom, gently placing you on your bed before crawling under the sheets with you. his arms snaked around your waist and sweet nothings kept leaving his lips, making their way into your mind. his fingers drew little figures on the skin of your waist and his lips pecked the skin beneath your ear.

"i'm sorry for being late love" he mumbled against your skin, clearly upset by his own actions. "i promise to better myself... i promise to fight against those voices together with you" was the last thing you heard before exhaustion hit you and you drifted off into a deep sleep.

no matter how late Chan was, you couldn't stop yourself from loving the boy and you knew you never would stop this love.

12:35 ~ always by your side ~

the insomnia was killing you. you were wiggling around in your sheets, forcing your eyes to close and trying to get your body to relax, but with no success. suddenly a pair of strong, bare arms wrap around your waist, pulling you against a broad chest.

“hey babe... can’t sleep?” chan’s raspy voice sounds into your ear.

you shake your head, giving him a clear response.

“sorry for waking you channie...” you mumble back, but he only tightens his grasp on you. his warm breath grazes the crook of your neck as he interlaces your hands.

“i’m by your side babe, no matter the circumstances” he says softly before kissing your skin gently and lying with you until you both drift off to sleep slowly.

Redamancy ['red-a-man-sE] noun ;a love returned in full

Part II out now!

{ Pairing } - idol!bangchan x staff!afab.reader (with a hint of bestfriend!jisung?)

{ Genre } - NSFW, the trifecta (s/a/f), frenimies to friends to lovers? idk but we'll get there in the end

{ Synopsis } - Han Jisung is your new bestie & technical colleague, of course you befriended the rest of his members. Group nights became a tradition, & tonight involves liquor and drinking games for the first time. Truth or drink?

{ WC } - 6.7k

{ Warnings & tags } - 18+ MDNI, NSFW, smut, angst, fluff, drinking, breath play (choking), swearing, dry humping, use of 'babygirl', mention of wet dream, talk of edging, talk of domming, talk of choking, talk of exhibitionism, all of ot8 is suggestive af when they drink, reader and jisung are PLATONIC I promise they're just touchy, they're all giggly drunks so overuse of laughing chuckling and giggling, chan is kinda dumb in this he just... is in denial land but we'll find out more about that later, unrealistic work scenarios, unrealistic dorm setup? idk lol

{ Disclaimer } - This work is in no way associated with the actual skz, and is a fictional piece. I DO NOT own Stray Kids, this fic is just influenced by them!

{ A/N } - Okay I know I took forever to post & this intro is hella long & I'm sorry! Once again, I will say this is my first skz fic. I come from the world of AO3 & dramione. I am out of my comfort zone lol. First time posting stories on tumblr too! So if I missed anything please let me know <3 there will be a part 2, I've already started writing it! The plot is weak af, but gimme a few more stories and I'll find my groove. Promise! Unbeta'd, be gentle with me ♡

It was supposed to be a relatively chill Saturday night, so you were excited. You just got off work, and had arrived at Jisung's. He swung the door open smiling and pulled you inside, into an immediate hug. Everyone said their greetings, and then Jisung went immediately to whining.

"Finally, what kept you so late?"

You took your shoes, mask, sunglasses, and hat off, letting your curls fall down your back. Then you unzipped your sweatshirt, shrugging it off your shoulders and exposing your fitted white tee. You gave your jacket and bag to Ji so he could put them away. You always arrived in 'disguise', in baggy clothing so that no one suspected anything. Though you thought it was ridiculous. It doesn't matter how baggy the sweat pants or hoodie is, there's no hiding the curve of your ass.

You were a content editor at JYPE, and had become really good friends with Han Jisung. Friendships between idols and staff certainly aren't forbidden, in fact they're encouraged to an extent... as long as no lines are crossed. But it's pretty much an ignored rule. Anyways, you were a small 'behind-the-scenes' employee, not a manager or assistant or makeup artist. Not anyone directly involved with any idols. No one off the street knew who you were. Still, over the last almost year or so, you and him became besties. You frequently shared meals together at work, had sleepovers, you even went camping. You were basically glued to each other. It could easily be taken the wrong way by the media and fans. Hell, it gets taken the wrong way by co-workers, other idols, and even his group members. Although they've mostly accepted that's not the case. It's a given with the way you two act though.

Your relationship is definitely platonic, confirming pretty early on that neither of you felt anything more than friendly love for each other. But you both love teasing the other suggestively. You suppose that's partly why you two got so close so quickly. Your personalities are so similar, it's like you share the same singular brain cell sometimes.

"Editing, per usual." You finally reply with a sigh, "We had to cut A LOT out of nexz's new video. They're so high energy, they slip up a lot, especially with the swearing, but nothing we can't handle."

"Gotta love kids." Chan snorts while sipping a beer.

You smile awkwardly in response and look around the room. Everyone is here, all with their preferred beverages, and chatting away or scrolling.

Ji comes back with a drink for you, he knows you're partial to tequila and always keeps it on deck. Normally, you spend every weekend you can together, which sometimes is not as often as either of you would like. Sometimes you'd both head back to your place, and just have all nighters, binge watching anime and gorging yourselves on junk food. More recently, like tonight, you get invited over to hang with him and the rest of the boys.

It usually results in a few drinks and a movie, or talk about work. Sometimes you just play music and talk and vibe, or try to cook food together when you get the munchies... Which more than likely results in Minho taking over because he just can't help himself. However the nights play out, they're always fun, and you're gradually getting closer to the rest of the members too. Although no one can compare to the bond you have with your Jiji.

"I don't wanna watch a movie tonight, my eyes hurt too much." He starts complaining.

"Poor baby." You tease and run your fingers through his hair, laughing.

"When are you two just going to come out with the fact that you're in love?" Seungmin asks.

You roll your eyes, "When dwaekki's fly."

"I can easily make that happen." Changbin laughs.

"We could play a game?" Felix suggests, already looking flushed from the alcohol.

Jeongin gets excited, "Let's do a drinking game! It's been a while."

"I don't believe I've ever played a drinking game with y'all."

Hyunjin hums, "Mm, you haven't. Mostly because we get crazy, we've never brought up the idea."

This piqued your interest, "More crazy than I've already seen? I don't think that's possible."

Minho chimes in this time, "You forget we're a group of men sometimes, I swear. Mix alcohol and suggestive games, it definitely gets 'crazier' than you've seen, inappropriately crazy."

You level him with a smirk, "I'm down."

"That's my y/n!" Ji says, while pulling you to sit in his lap, "Fearless."

You giggle and lean into him while Minho just narrows his eyes at you and purses his lips. Something tells you he's up to something, but you're ready for any challenge.

"Fine. Then we'll play something easy, truth or drink. If someone refuses to answer, they drink. Whoever finishes their drink first loses." Minho says.

"What does the loser have to do?" You ask.

"Pay for everyone's lunch every day for a month!" Changbin says.

"Deal." You say. 

You're an open book, Ji knows this. There's no question you won't answer.

Everyone is up now, getting new drinks & refills before the game starts. You can't help but notice that Chan didn't get up, he looks a little nervous for some reason. He was always the most worried about you being around so much. In the beginning it definitely came across like he didn't like you. Now you know that's not the case... you think. He tolerates you now to say the least. You couldn't blame him too much, he was just protective of his boys. You actually found it incredibly sweet, or maybe it's just that stupid soft spot you have for him.

He always tried to keep you at arms length from the group. Not wanting anyone to get too close to you. Until Jisung put him in his place, as best he could anyways.

You were in Ji's lap, watching Spirited Away. He was drawing imaginary lines and shapes on your back, while you rested your head on his shoulder, facing the tv. His head was resting on top of yours as well, and a blanket covered you both.

Chan walked in seeing this, and nearly had a stroke. He said we were being inappropriate. And specifically made it a point to tell you to be more professional as a member of the staff. Short version: know your fucking place, you're overstepping. 

You scoffed at him, prepared to confront him about his growing disdain towards you. Let him know he's the one being inappropriate, downright childish. But Ji nudged you onto the couch and got to him first.

It was kind of cute watching him standing there, ears becoming red and getting in Chan's face. Cute in the way that it was like a maltese puppy trying to stand up to a doberman. Then he proceeded to yell at him about how he was way out of line. Saying he was being flat out disrespectful and that he was done with the ridiculous way he has been acting about you. The last thing he said was that he didn't know what got into him, and that he'd never seen this side of Chan before. 

Chan was silent, looking intensely into Jisungs eyes. But he never backed down, so Chan poked his tongue to his cheek, then retreated to his room for the whole night. You had to scoop Ji off the floor right afterwards. He had let his knees buckle, and fell to the floor once Chan was gone. Citing that he wasn't sure he was going to live through the night to see the morning sun. Typical dramatic fashion for your best friend. But you soothed him, fluffing up his ego about 'defending your honor'. His words, not yours.

As that night went on though, the tiniest bit of worry coursed through you. Chan hadn't come back out. Not even when the other members came home, trying to knock on his door to greet him. Or when the food was ready to be served, you had even given knocking a try. Only after Hyunjin begged you to, because 'He already doesn't take care of himself. He needs to eat.' No, you didn't see him again that night until you had already walked out the front door. He slipped out behind you shortly after, grabbing you by the wrist and stopping you. 

You thought he was going to continue the argument for a moment, but no, he was apologizing. Not much more was said afterwards, but his apology was genuine and heartfelt, so you accepted it. You two ended up hugging it out, and thank goodness no one saw that, because it was incredibly cringeworthy. He had no more major issues after that. But he was still unexplainably awkward around you, but it's not like you were any better. You two simply didn't know how to interact with each other for longer than 30 seconds. And that was pushing it. You suspected that might not ever go away. He likes to keep his walls high and strong, and you're stubborn at times.

But of course,  despite that stubbornness. You developed some sort of feelings towards him. Feelings you refused to acknowledge, well tried to refuse. You would push those feelings down deep within your heart, put them in a little box, and tape it shut trying to forget it's there. There was no need to pine over the man, he had stay to do that for him, and who knows who else in his life. Somehow that box always ended up ripped open again.

There was never a reason to act on these feelings. Not to mention, you think you'd be breaking SO MANY rules. Putting your job, his job, hell everyone's job at risk. Or worse, making a fool of yourself when he would downright reject you.

You keep watching him, now he's shaking his leg up and down, seeming agitated. Maybe he just doesn't want everyone getting into a vulnerable state of mind while playing? Maybe he's worried somebody will say or do something wrong? That someone will cross a line, as he loves to say?

Trying to ease his negative feelings, and extend yet another olive branch. You toss a throw pillow at him, hitting him in the chest and pulling him out of his thoughts.

He looks at you, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, and you just chuckle nervously at him saying, "Don't worry, it's like Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

"God how fuckin' corny was that?" Ji teases you, poking your side making you giggle more.

To your relief, Chan is laughing with you, and shaking his head, "I just want them to behave."

"Oh relax, we're all grown. We're all friends. So we'll get to know each other more intimately, big whoop." You shrug.

"Mmm..." He replied, before raising his voice so everyone could hear him, "Whatever is spoken about tonight, doesn't leave this room."

"I swear you're the one with anxiety sometimes, not me." Ji mumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... dad." Hyunjin says as he sits next to you and Ji.

"As if that announcement even had to be made, I swear, and you wonder why we call you old." Seungmin comments.

Once everyone is settled in with their drinks, Minho directs Chan to start the game.

"Jisung, when was the last time you cried?"

He laughed, "You're trying to embarrass me because you know it was this morning, but I am confident and secure in the fact that I am a sensitive man."

He said the last bit with his hand over his heart, and his eyes closed, effectively making everyone chuckle.

"My poor baby, why were you crying?" You question teasingly.

"Please don't bring it up, he'll start blubbering all over again. Stupid, sad, dog rescue videos." Seungmin mumbles.

"Minho!" Ji shouts, pointing at him dramatically, "This question is for you. If you had to kiss someone in this room on the cheek, who would it be?"

"Hyunjin." He said bluntly, making you and everyone else laugh while Hyune just rolled his eyes.

"Would you kiss me back?" He asked him, eyes full of hope and bottom lip jutted out and pouting, trying to act cute. And succeeding, honestly.

Hyunjin acted like he was pondering the question, but ultimately was the first to take a sip from his glass, "I decline to answer."

He looked to you next, a suggestive smirk on his face, making you the next victim, "Y/niiieee..."

"Oi, be respectful." Chan scolds immediately, not liking the look at all.

"All I was going to do was repeat the question!" He said defensively, "Y/n, if you had to choose, who would you kiss on the cheek?"

You tried hard to keep your eyes from trailing over to Chan, a tingly feeling spreading across your skin at the mere thought of innocently kissing his cheek. Instead you chose the easy answer, because it wasn't a lie. You'd also kiss your best friend on the cheek any time.

"My Jiji of course," And you took his face in one hand, squeezing his cheeks between your middle finger and thumb, and plant a loud smooch on each of them, "he probably only asked because he wanted one anyways."

He just chuckles, letting you baby him and Seungmin fake gags.

"Minnieee..." You pause trying to come up with a question, "when you dye your hair next, what color would you want?"

"Green, my entire head green."

"That would look interesting." You laugh.

You all go 'round in circles for a few rounds, completely forgetting about the rules of the game. Having now finished your glasses from casually sipping throughout the game, most of you have switched to occasional shots. You're starting to feel warm and tipsy. Of course the more you all drank, the more the questions started to get more... amorous. Which is exactly how you all assumed this game would go. No wonder Chan was so anxious.

However looking over to him now, he's definitely having a good time. Like every other person, he loosens up while drinking, but tonight he seems even more so.

"Y/n," Chan starts with a sly look making your skin buzz again. Among all of you, he is 100% the most inebriated right now, "when was your first kiss?"

"Yah! He tells us to be respectful, but look how he is after a few drinks!" Changbin yells laughing.

Chan loses it, "You're right Binnie, you don't have to answer or drink." He says in between fits of squeaky laughter. 

You think you could listen to him laugh all day.

You shake your head and snort, "I've answered worse questions playing this game before. I was 13 when I had my first kiss."

Hyunjin nearly spits his drink out, because again, no one is drinking just as punishment anymore, "13?!"

"Well, yeah, it's a pretty normal age in America... I think..." you started to blush, "why, how old were you?" you ask Hyunjin.

He hesitates, but eventually he spoke, "I was 18."

The rest chime in saying they were also 18 or 19. With the exception of Felix who said he was 16.

Without even thinking you start to say, "Aaah, see I was 18 when I-" and you're abruptly stopped with Ji's hand slapping over your mouth.

Your eyes go wide, caught off guard, but understanding as you almost blurted out unnecessary information. Nothing that Ji hadn't known obviously, it's just that everyone else doesn't really know you on that level. 

"Jagi, you only had to answer the one question, adding extra info, that's not how you play the gaaaaame." He says in a sing-song voice, "Hyunjin it's your turn to ask someone."

"No no no no! What was she going to say?" Chan chuckles.

When you looked at him, he winked at you, and you had to stop yourself from going limp in Ji's arms. He knew damn well what you were going to say. Why is he teasing, no torturing you like this?

You peel Ji's hand off your mouth to respond "It's not your turn, you'll have to wait to ask me that."

The group starts laughing and shouting, teasing Chan who is ignoring it all, just staring at you with curious eyes and his tongue in his cheek. Does he know how hot he looks doing that?

"Okay, so then I'll ask you. What were you going to say?" Hyunjin asks calmly, trying to fight the smile off his face.

You pour yet another shot, and knock it back thinking, what the hell, "I was going to say I was 18 when I first hooked up with a man."

Some members looked surprised, the game taking an obvious turn. However Hyunjin, Felix, and Chan started laughing again.

"I knew that's what you were going to say." Felix slurred. 

"Yeah I was definitely teasing you on that, because I knew." Chan followed.

"Mmm, well judging from the shocked faces of everyone else, you two seem to be the only psychics." You try to joke, wanting the attention off of you suddenly.

"No, don't get us wrong, not all of us are as innocent as you think." Seungmin says defensively.

"Oh really now?" You respond, one brow quirking up.

Seungmin just turned red, and sat back in his seat. To which Chan started laughing, yet again. He's a giggly drunk, and you love it.

"Don't tease my puppy, babe." Ji slurred, trying to reach his arm to console Seungmin, but ultimately failing.

"I mean I was 18 too, with the same girl I first kissed." Hyunjin shrugged.

"But what do you mean 'to a man'?" Jeongin asked with a shit eating grin on his face. 

You promptly turned into a tomato, and started choking on air.

"You're not that slow pabo, obviously it means she's been with women too." Ji says, rather loudly and speaking freely, all while patting your back.

You're quiet. It's not like it's a secret, you've never hidden your sexuality. But it never came up in conversation with anyone here, except Jisung.

Wanting to ease the tone, Felix speaks up, "Well I was 18 when I first hooked up with a dude."

"I was 21, but everyone already knows that story." Ji slurred.

The whole conversation triggers another group laughing fit. Except for Chan, who is looking at you with those dark eyes again. And... is he blushing? Or is that the alcohol? He eventually snaps out of whatever daze he was in, and slowly smiles at you reassuringly.

You mentally kick yourself for getting your hopes up, of course he couldn't ever think of you like that. You're imagining things.

"But then, how old were you when you first hooked up with a girl?" Jeongin asked again, genuinely curious.

"A lot younger than 18..." You trailed off laughing, "I'll just say in high school."

"The air is different outside of Korea." Changbin says suddenly, sounding thoughtful.

Hyunjin nearly collapsed laughing, slapping Minho on the knee repeatedly, despite the glare he was shooting him.

"Well I just answered a bunch of questions in a row so that means I get to ask two people a question. And the second person I ask gets the next turn." You say, making up new rules. 

"So... Chan." He looks at you with his eyebrows raised and you just smirk, knowing you're trying to get back at him, "How old were YOU when you lost your virginity?"

He gulps and looks around at the group before answering, "I... was 18."

"Chan-hyung, you never answered us when we would ask you! Why answer her?" Jisung whines.

"I honestly don't know, maybe it's the liquor. None of you ever asked me drunk." He starts giggling.

"Okay so question 2... Binnie!" He gulps and looks at you with wide eyes, "Are you more of a boob guy?" You say grabbing your own, not even really thinking about it, "Or an ass guy?"

Changbin started laughing and answered, "Definitely ass, but I appreciate boobs too, equality."

"I am just learning so much about my fellow members lately." Seungmin whispers.

"Is that a bad thing?" You giggle.

"Not at all, it feels strangely comforting, letting loose like this." He replies and smiles softly at me, "It's been a while."

"It's freeing!" Jeongin yells abruptly, throwing his hands in the air.

"Aye, my question is for you then Min. Have you ever had a wet dream?" Changbin asks.

"... what guy hasn't? Don't all guys get them?" He asks looking around.

Then you chime in again frankly, "Girls can get them too you know."

Why does it feel like you've opened pandora's box on your sex life, in every single aspect?

Ji starts laughing, nodding his head vigorously and you know where this is about to go.

"Really now?" Felix says, mimicking your exact tone from earlier, "What was it about?"

"Mmmm... it's not your turn to ask," Then you turn to Seungmin, "And if you ask me, I will absolutely drink and not answer. No way I'm explaining a sex dream right now."

Seungmin just rolls his eyes and huffs out a laugh.

"But I wanna knooooooow," Jisung whines, "You looked so cute having one last weekend, you never told me what it was about."

Everyone was watching you two closely now, waiting to hear how he knew what you looked like in that situation.

You turned around and smacked his arm, "We weren't going to mention that ever again! Remember?!" You attempt to be angry, but you can't help it and end up smiling.

"Okay, well now I'm curious since you two are bringing this up." Minho says with a glint in his eye.

"Y/n may or may not have had one when I slept over, and I woke up to her moaning and hump--"

This time it was your turn to slap a hand over his mouth, "Jiji, Sungie, my love, my sweet sweet SWEET best friend. I don't want to kill you, but I will." You say in a dulcet tone.

He raised his hands, eyes wide and nodded his head. You couldn't help but laugh, apparently you're a giggly drunk too.

Out of the corner of your eye, you swore you saw Chan adjusting himself in his pants. But then you reminded yourself that it was just wishful thinking and an alcohol induced hallucination. Horny hallucination. God you needed to get over him and under someone else. This unrequited shit wasn't for you.

"I'm so never going to drop this you know, I wanna know what the hell happened." Minho smirked at you, to which you flipped him off jokingly.

It's Seungmin's turn next, and he's just staring at Jeongin with a blank face, "Have you ever had a one night stand?"

He pauses for a moment and then finally answers, "No, I haven't."

He looked at you now, asking his question, "You know what I have to ask now, right?"

"Go ahead." You challenge, fully prepared to choke down another shot and not answer his question, and he smiles.

"What's one of your kinks?"

You were unprepared for that question. And how could you know he would ask that, these men like to fuck around with your head.

"Relax, I just wanted to see your reaction." He says before chuckling.

You glared at him for a moment, halfheartedly. They think they can just retract questions when they get scared that they went too far. Screw that, you're answering.

"I guess the most simple one I have is edging." You shrug.

"The most simple one?!" Hyunjin asked.

"What are you a masochist? Edging is the worst, feels like torture to me." Ji says.

"But the build up is so delicious, and the end result is so worth it. It's so intense." Felix chimes in, "Choking too, that can be intense." 

"Hm, breath play might actually be my favorite." You admit.

"Damn y/n." Ji says, eyeing you with a smile, "You're full of surprises, even to this day." 

You shrug again, "Everyone has different kinks... What's one of yours?" You ask him.

He ponders for a moment, "I like being dommed sometimes."

"Big surprise." Minho says and you all laugh.

"Good one though," You nod, "That's one of mine too."

"I think I'm an exhibitionist, to an extent of course." Hyunjin says next.

"That's also not a surprise." Minho replies.

You can't help but let your eyes wander over to Chan again, while everyone else is sharing different things they're into in bed. The liquor has everyone speaking loosely. But Chan doesn't seem to care about it anymore.

You find him staring right back at you, that same look in his eyes from earlier, and you feel heat spread in your stomach, and wetness starts to pool in your panties. Maybe you weren't imagining things.

But you don't notice that Ji's observing both of you in his drunken haze. Not too faded to ignore you and Chan eye-fucking each other.

Your heart starts racing the longer you hold eye contact, and you start shifting uncomfortably on his lap, before looking away and deciding to get up.

"Alright... I need some bread to soak up this alcohol, and then I need to get home because it's already 2 in the morning." You say with a shaky breath.

"Yeah, I'm wasted right now," Jeongin says and stands, "Bed's a good idea. Goodnight everyone." And he leaves to his room.

Ji grabs your wrist, preventing you from moving, "You're not going anywhere. We're all drunk, you can't drive and no one can bring you back home."

"Fiiiiiiine," You say, "but I still want bread."

"You and your bread fixation whenever you drink." Minho mumbles, heading to the kitchen anyways to grab you some.

When he comes back he hands it to you and you start munching away happily, doing a little dance.

Meanwhile, Felix is trying to tug Chan's arms to make him stand up, but he's fighting him on it and whining. Clearly he exceeded his limit tonight drinking. He probably won't even remember the looks he was giving you, you think.

"I don't wanna go to bed." Chan whines.

Felix finally succeeds in pulling him up, "C'mon mate, you definitely need to sleep this off. You'll be miserable tomorrow. Let's get you some water too, hmm?"

Chan reluctantly holds his arm, and follows him down the hall, stumbling over his own two feet along the way. You can't help but laugh at the sight.

More of the boys say goodnight and head off to their rooms, but Ji and Minho stay with you in the living room, chatting a little longer before bed.

Ji starts going through his bags, determined that you left some pajamas here from when you slept over previously, and he kept them in a bag to give back to you. He pulls out the nightie, that you honestly forgot you brought here. But you see why you didn't ever wear it at the time. It's dark green, spaghetti straps and has lace along the bust line. It also has slits on each side of your thigh, and only covers you to the middle of your thighs. Your go to sleepware was always nighties or large tees, they're comfortable and sometimes you get hot at night. Mix in the fact that you were drinking tonight? You're already feeling overheated. But wearing this?

"Jiiiiiii, don't you have any t-shirts I can wear?" You whine.

He's already under the covers, fighting sleep, "Sorry babe... haven't done laundry... Nothing clean..."

You whine again before taking it and heading across the hall into one of the bathrooms. It was this or sleep in your sweats, and that idea sounded entirely too suffocating to you.

You slip the nightie on and brush your teeth with your designated toothbrush you had there. Jisungs idea, after you had too much tequila one night and he diligently held your hair back as you got sick.

You sigh as you're leaving, and make your way towards Ji's room. Before you reach the door though, Chan walks out of his room. He's in a black tank top, and red boxer briefs... your eyes immediately trail down and go wide. His outline clear as day. But you change your view quickly, hopefully before he notices.

It doesn't help though, now all you're doing is eyeing his arms, the muscles cut throughout them. The veins that trail all the way down to his hands. God, his hands... What wouldn't you let those hands do to you...

He scratches the back of his head, and the movement snaps you out of your gaze. You find him staring back at you for a second before answering, "Sorry, I'll just..."

You start to shake your head, "No, no. No reason to apologize." You chuckle and start shifting on your feet. You feel the skirt of your nightie swaying with you. It opened the slit wider, and Chan immediately looked down at your exposed thigh. He inhaled quietly, sucking in air through his nose.

Any other day, you'd be scrambling to cover yourself. Feeling insecure and too bare. You don't know if it was the liquor in you, but tonight? Being on display? It turned you on.

You clenched your thighs together, almost involuntarily, and Chan didn't miss that.

Time seemed to be moving too slow. He stepped towards you, nearly closing the gap between you. He's only inches away, and looking down on you. His eyes have that dark, smoldery look again. He raised his hand and brushed the curls off your face and behind your ear. When he rests his palm against your cheek, your eyes flutter shut and you lean into his touch. It's so warm, and comforting. As if it was always meant for you.

When you open your eyes, you can clearly see the lust in his is only growing. He's not holding it back anymore, biting his lip as he stares at you. You almost whimper in anticipation.

"This is your opportunity to walk away if you're not okay with me kissing you." He says lowly.

You closed your eyes, and his lips met yours. The first few seconds were sweet and soft. Almost too innocent for the heat of the moment, but then he deepened it. He was pulling you by the waist into him, running his hands down and resting them on your ass. You could easily feel how hard he was for you, even through the thin fabrics. This time you let the whimper out, and he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. When you tried to do the same, he didn't give you the chance. Instead he slipped his tongue in. It was like he was lost in desire, and greedy for more. You couldn't help it when your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer.

He groaned and started backing you into the wall, his lips never leaving yours. He grabbed your thighs in each hand, and hoisted you up, slotting himself between them. Your legs naturally wrapped around him, and he started rocking his length against you. His pace was achingly slow, but still delicious.

You moaned and slipped a hand up to the nape of his neck, grabbing a fistful of hair. He breaks the kiss and throws his head back with his eyes closed. He half hisses, half groans, and you can't help but rock your hips against him harder, hoping to hear more. He grips your thigh tighter, and leans down to press a quick kiss to your neck, before licking and sucking on it. He's meeting each roll of your hips with rough thrusts. And even clothed, you feel how perfectly he's rubbing your clit.

Your head is so clouded with need. Need to be touched. Need to touch him. Need to feel him inside of you. You don't even think twice when he glides his hand up your stomach, and over your breasts. He gives one a light squeeze before moving up to wrap his fingers around your neck, and your brain loses all sense for a moment.

He's just resting his hand there, but you wish he'd do more. You're not sure if this man knows just how pliant you are for him right now.

Then he brings his lips to your ear and whispers, "Can I touch you?"

His warm breath gives you chills, and you nod your head as best as you can. But that doesn't suffice him, he stops his movements against you and his grip around your throat tightens. You think you could probably get off on it if he tightens his fingers just a bit more, but he doesn't, instead he says, "I'm going to need words, babygirl."

Your hips buck into him, and you breathe out a quiet "Yes. Please..."

With that, he yanks your face closer to his by your neck. He's squeezing ever so slightly tighter around your throat. He bites your lip and you groan. But he's quick to silence you with his tongue.

Letting go, he trailed his hand back down your body and to your core. Slowly he started to rub you through the thin lace. You were so sensitive, that when he found your clit and pressed a circle into it. You couldn't help but breathe out his name. He pushed your panties to the side, and when he felt you for the first time you felt him smile against your lips.

"Babygirl... fuck, you're so wet for me." 

And as he whispered that, he slipped a finger in you. He set a steady pace, dragging against your walls with a curl. Each pump hitting your sweet spot, and the heel of his hand creating delightful friction against your swollen bud. His breathing was heavy in your ear, breaking through all your helpless whimpering. When he added a second finger, you couldn't hold back anymore.

"Chan..." You moaned louder this time, while simultaneously letting your head drop against the wall with a thud.

He pulled his lips off of you, eyes wide when he met yours. He started blinking as if he was coming back to reality. When he looked into your eyes again, he looked startled.

"What's wrong?" You pant, feeling hot and dizzy, wishing he would keep moving his hands.

Instead, he quickly slips his fingers out of you, and sets your feet on the floor. Then he backs away.

"I'm sorry, y/n... I don't know what came over me, that was incredibly inappropriate and out of character." Chan mumbled.

Your heart sinks, as you feel the sting of rejection. Tears threatened to well in your eyes, and you immediately felt the oncoming headache from holding them back. You shouldn't feel so emotional and upset. This was all spur of the moment. But you do, you feel devastated.

Regardless, you clear your throat, "I understand." You force an unsettling chuckle out, when a sob threatens to escape instead.

He puts on a blank face that feels so cold, and responds with "Don't forget to drink some water, stay hydrated... I'll be heading to bed now, you should too."

All you really want to say is don't leave, because you want to finish what was started. Because you've wanted this for so long. Because the box you kept away in the depths of your heart had ripped open once again. And all the languished emotions were here, front and center, aching to bear it all to him. To let him see. Confess. But that would be selfish, he's clearly uncomfortable with it all. He probably regrets it. An alcohol induced affair. In his eyes, a complete mistake. 

So instead you say, "Okay."

Because that's all you can muster before the tears start to fall. You turn away,  going back to facing Ji's door. 

"Goodnight y/n... Sleep well." He says, and puts a tentative hand on your shoulder.

You shrug it off, and escape to Ji's bedroom. To your surprise he's sitting up in bed, and ushering you come to him with his arms open and bottom lip pouted out.

You run to him, a bit dramatically and fall a part in his arms. But you can't help it, you sealed these emotions away for too long. You were too hurt at the moment to even try pushing them back down.

Jisung is your life saver, he's comforting you, rubbing his fingers on your scalp and rocking you back and forth to try and calm you. He gives you time before you have to explain why exactly you're having a melt down.

"Chan's an idiot." He finally says.

And you lean back to look at him, confused on how quickly he's put two and two together.

"Well you weren't exactly quiet. Between your exaggerated moans and his animalistic grunting right outside my door, of course I heard it." He rolled his eyes jokingly and that earned a laugh from you.

You smacked him lightly, "I was lost in the moment... don't judge me."

"Jagi..." He says, and wipes the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs, "You've liked him for so much longer than a moment."

Your heart starts pounding faster again. How could he know that. It's the one thing you've kept from him, from everyone, hell you even denied it to yourself for as long as possible. Was it that obvious? Who else knows? You go to speak, fear written across your face.

"No. You were not obvious, in fact you're an amazing actor. I'm sure none of the other members noticed, and definitely no one else at work knew." He answers before you can even get words out.

You nod slowly, "So then, how'd you know?"

He smiled proudly, "I'm a people watcher, I see all."

You smack him again, a little harder this time.

"Alright, alright, but I really did see all the looks you'd give him when no one else was watching... I know what longing looks like, and..." he trailed off.

You knew that wasn't all, "And?"

"Aaaaand... maybe that night you had that wet dream. You were moaning his name while humping the pillow..."

"You never told me that!" You shoved your head into your hands, distraught.

"Well I didn't want to embarrass you! I honestly didn't think you looked at any of us that way until then. Like I said, a good actor. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready to."

You sighed, "I'm sorry. It's just a stupid crush, it'll pass."

"You're grown, you don't have to apologize to anyone for liking someone. But y/n," He cupped your cheek forcing you to look at him again, "this isn't just a simple crush, is it?"

With that question, you felt the tears spilling all over again. He pulled you to lay down with him, holding you tight against him and letting you cry it all out. Somewhere between his low humming, and your quiet weeping, you fell asleep.

When you blink the sleep away from your eyes the next morning, you're still entangled with Ji. He's literally wrapped around you like a koala.

You snort out a laugh and go to check the time on your phone. 7:30 am, entirely too early. You decide to try and fall back asleep, but last night's events rush back to you. Dread fills your chest, and your fight or flight kicks in. You're trying to gently escape Ji's hold, and not hyperventilate. The latter is more difficult but, since that man can sleep through anything, you were able to succeed.

You get changed back into your clothes, and leave a note for him saying that you're leaving and you'll text him when you get home. You can't bear to face Chan, let alone anyone else who might've heard you two last night. So you decide to skip out on the usual coffee and breakfast routine. You all have that tradition after a drunken night, but you know Ji will cover for you with everyone anyways.

You're rushing down the hall, wanting to grab your things and head for the door. Panic is starting to bubble over, and you're haphazardly covering yourself up to be unnoticeable. As you're slipping the mask over your face, a voice stops you.

"Morning... don't you want to stay for breakfast?"

You can't bring yourself to look at Chan, those words only setting the box of emotions in your heart on fire. You know he only means it in the way that it is an unbroken tradition. No matter how sick one of you gets, group breakfast is a must for recuperation. No one has skipped it in the months you've been doing it. We all take care of each other. But the idea makes your mouth bitter, because you wish it was just you two. Alone. Making breakfast the morning after earth shattering sex. And the fact he doesn't mean it in that way in the slightest makes tears prick back into your eyes.

Yes, you know you're being petty. You should stick it through for your friends. Take a page from Chan and act like nothing ever happened. You just can't find it inside you to care, you need to go home and lick your wounds before facing anyone here again. Call it childish, but you didn't care.

You're struggling to find words and just blurt out, "No thanks." And rush out the door, heading to the safety of your car.

You left Chan standing there. Unbeknownst to you, hurting just as much.

Special thank you to @jeonginsleftcheek who encouraged me through finishing this! I had finished it, and then accidentally deleted the entire ending. But in turn, that was a good thing I think... because now there'll be a part 2! If you'd like to be added to a taglist, let me know and I'll start one! Feedback is always cherished, but be gentle pleeeeeeeease ♡