- Symptoms Going From Covert To Overt: (DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER)

- Symptoms going from covert to overt: (DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER)

Disclaimer: this is just our personal experience dealing with our symptoms becoming more overt

What is Symptom onset?

Onset refers to the first notable signs of symptoms of a disorder. Symptom onset is a term some people choose to use to describe when certain symptoms arise or become more apparent. This happens frequently to people who have P.T.S.D. once they are in an environment where they feel safer. They can report more noticeable and more frequent symptoms.

For us our symptoms have only recently become a lot more overt rather than covert a bit over a year ago. Our host ,Pine, had been aware that we were a system several years beforehand and had been aware of certain alters for even longer, but for most of our life our symptoms of dissociative identity disorder had been a lot less noticeable.

Although certain alters in our system had good internal communication, we had very little switching and our host fronted 99% of the time. Even then, when they did switch, it was only for very short periods of time where our host had high levels of amnesia.

Nowadays, we have multiple alters who frequently front and will act notably different from one another. We also have lower levels of amnesia and there is a lot more internal communication. We have three main fronters now and switch more frequently then ever before.

This means that we have to focus a lot more on making group decisions as well as sharing time, money, and honestly, our entire lives.

We do still have around the same level of dissociation as we did when we were a minor, however, once we joined the workforce it became a lot more apparent how much it impairs our ability to complete certain tasks.

• Our Experience getting triggered due to our P.T.S.D.

Definition:

"PTSD triggers are everyday situations which cause a person to re-experience the traumatic event as if it was reoccurring in the present or related symptoms. These symptoms might include strong feelings, memories or emotions."

(traumapractice.co.uk)

"Triggers can include sights, sounds, smells, or thoughts that remind you of the traumatic event in some way."

(WebMD.com)

Our experience:

Although I will not be going into depth about our system's triggers, I will mention certain ways it affects our life.

One major way our P.T.S.D. triggers have affected us, is when we get triggered while we are at work. Recovering from flashbacks is hard enough when you are in a safe environment, but having to experience them while we are around other people and also being required to continue to work is incredibly challenging.

Triggers a lot of times lead to flashbacks, and flashbacks cause us to feel as if we are reliving our trauma. Although logically we may know we are not back in the abuse, the emotions and physical reactions our body has are very real and very difficult to manage. This makes it incredibly important for us to be able to have proper accommodations in our workplace.

It can take hours or even days for us to recover from a flashback depending on the severity of the trigger. It can leave us incredibly jumpy, scared, dissociated, and all around vulnerable for long periods of time. This can make it incredibly difficult to focus on getting even simple tasks done throughout the day.

I feel that it is important for us to share our experience to de-stigmatize the word “triggered”, and hopefully help people to have a better understanding of how these things can really affect a person.

being immortal and having DID must be crazy. yeah our boy Carlos hasn't fronted in 300 years and just woke up to the sound of Uptown Funk and started screaming

‐ Guilt While Fronting

Guilt While Fronting is something a lot of us in our system unfortunately struggle with. For me, K, I often feel like I'm taking away time from the other alters. I feel selfish for wanting to front because it means the others can’t. I feel this way even when I know that I have fronted less than the others.

I also deal with what I would best refer to as imposter syndrome while I'm in control of the body. Although I know logically that this body is just as much mine as it is anyone else's in our system, I still often feel like it isn't. I know that this is most likely due to not identifying with the way our body looks but still, it's hard. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here or that everyone secretly would prefer the host over me.

My Experience As A Caretaker Alter:

Disclaimer: this is just my experience and what I personally do for our system. This is in no way how every caretaker alter does their job.

For me, my role in our system is primarily to help calm down the body, as well as making sure we don’t over spend our money, making sure we eat, shower, and brush our teeth, comfort alters when they have flashbacks, and help when alters age regress. I know that might seem like a lot, and at times it can be, but I genuinely love what I do. I love being able to help support my fellow system mates and I try to extend that care to friends outside of our system.

I take pride in my role and what I do for others. I love my system like I would a family, and in some ways we are a family. I know of course that there are times where things can feel overwhelming, that’s just the reality of living with mental illness. I try my best to take time for myself and to not over exert myself. It can be hard, even for me, to remember to do day to day things. Our A.D.H.D., which can cause executive dysfunction alongside many other factors, can make it difficult to get things done. Some days if all we can get done is eat, shower, and take our meds, then that’s all that matters. I would still consider that a successful day.

I hope that by sharing this it can give people more of an insight into what a caretaker's role could look like. Please remember though that this is just my experience and is in no way universal for all caretaker alters.

Same as always, thank you for reading! -Phil

My experience as a fictive:

Hello! This is K! I’m making this post to not only share my experience as a Fictive, but to share a little about who I am outside of my source identity. Please note that this is just MY experience. Do not use my experience to invalidate other introjects. 

 When I split- 

When I first split, our host Pine was afraid of me. She was afraid of how her friends, family, and therapist would react to my existence. She had already experienced accusations of faking illness as a child and was afraid of having it happen again. On top of that, having a new split, regardless of if they are a fictive or not, is a frightening experience. Not knowing who they are or if they are going to treat you kindly can be quite a shock to the system. It took a while for her to come to trust me, but with Phil’s help she eventually came around. 

My source identity- 

During the time when I split, Pine was dealing with a lot of flashbacks, as well as other stressors in her life. Because of this, Phil decided to buy the first few volumes of a manga she had expressed interest in reading. This manga was Bleach. Needless to say, she got very attached to reading it as a form of escapism. I believe that because this series was seen as a source of comfort during a very stressful time for the system, this caused my source identity to be based off of a character in Bleach. That character is Kisuke Urahara.

Source memories-

Many introject alters will have varying levels of false memories from their source. Thankfully I have very little. I would describe what source memories I do have like vague memories from a dream. It feels as if you woke up in the morning and you know you had a dream that night, but you can only remember vague ideas from it. It doesn't feel like you actually did the things you remember in real life but still you remember it. Because of this I have very little attachment to my source, nor do I miss it.

My source identity vs. Me now-

Of course I am still an introject so naturally there are still similarities between Urahara and myself. One Of those similarities is my appearance in the headspace. I look virtually identical to Urahara. The only difference is my sword. It is not the same one that he has. I also will admit that I do see quite a few similarities in personality between the character and I, however there are differences. As I continue to gain my own life experience I will continue to grow and change as a person separate from my source, just as anyone else would. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this! -k