Did Awareness - Tumblr Posts

So if I made a movie with a plural character I should have one present like this?

• Having Tics Alongside Dissociative Identity Disorder

For us, our motor tic disorder affects the entire brain. This means that it not only affects the host, but every one who fronts. I've noticed, however, that it affects everyone differently. For example, my tics are usually very frequent and involve uncontrollable body movements, such as hitting myself, and random words and noises. Phil on the other hand mainly has one frequent vocal tic that sounds like an owl. He also tics a lot less frequently than me. We are honestly not sure why, this is just our experience. -Pine

•Fictional Introjects

What is a fictional introject?- "Introjects are alters that are based off of an outside person or figure. Introjects may or may not see themselves as the individual that they represent." (DIDresearch.org)

A fictional interject, or fictive, is a type of alter whose identity is based on that of a fictional character. In our system, we currently have 2 fictional interjects. (E and K) E is NOT an interject of any specific character, instead he is an interject of a fictional creature whose identity we are choosing to not disclose for the time being. K on the other hand IS an interject of a specific character from Bleach.

Unfortunately, we've been seeing a lot of harassment of fictives on the internet. People see them as a reason as to why system is faking and use this as an excuse to harass people. Fictives are recognized as a type of alter by medical professionals. There are many diagnosed systems, our system included, who have fictional interjects. Harassing introjects (or anyone for that matter) should never be done.

For this reason, and for our own privacy, we are choosing to keep E’s source identity from the public for the time being.Please be respectful of our boundaries and please refrain from trying to guess who they are or their sources in our comments. Thank you for understanding! -Pine

•Internet safety for systems

We’ve been wanting to use our platform to share some internet safety tips for DID systems. We genuinely care about fellow systems and want the community to be as safe and responsible as possible.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way an attempt to call out anyone, we just genuinely care about the safety of others.

About Sharing Triggers Online

I would strongly advise AGAINST sharing both negative or even certain positive triggers openly on the internet for everyone to see. I understand sharing triggers with trusted friends privately, but when you share things publicly you don’t know who all might see it. This makes it possible for anyone on the internet (or even in person) to use that information against you or your system mates.

Sharing Introjects’ Sources

Sharing sources of your systems introjects (if you have any) is not inherently a bad thing, however, I feel that before you do, you should consider the possible downsides of sharing that information. For one, introjects are often a large target for fake claims and harassment. If your system decides to share this information, you, unfortunately, will have to be prepared for potential hate being directed towards you. Another potential downside of sharing a source is that sometimes people will treat them like their “favorite character” instead of their own person. Believe it or not, introjects are in fact, not their source. They are their own people and should be treated like you would treat anyone else. Introject alters should also have a say in what is shared about them, just like any other alter.

Sharing whether or not you are diagnosed

Sharing your diagnosis status should always, ALWAYS, be up to the individual system. No not let anyone on the internet or in real life (unless they’re your health provider) pressure you into giving up you private health records. You do NOT owe any random stranger proof that you have a disorder. The only time it would be appropriate for someone to request that information is if you are applying for academic or work related accommodations.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Internet safety is something both Pine, I, and the rest of our system cares a lot about. We genuinely care a lot about fellow systems and are sharing this because we want everyone to be safe. Again, thank you for reading! -Phil

My Experience As A Caretaker Alter:

Disclaimer: this is just my experience and what I personally do for our system. This is in no way how every caretaker alter does their job.

For me, my role in our system is primarily to help calm down the body, as well as making sure we don’t over spend our money, making sure we eat, shower, and brush our teeth, comfort alters when they have flashbacks, and help when alters age regress. I know that might seem like a lot, and at times it can be, but I genuinely love what I do. I love being able to help support my fellow system mates and I try to extend that care to friends outside of our system.

I take pride in my role and what I do for others. I love my system like I would a family, and in some ways we are a family. I know of course that there are times where things can feel overwhelming, that’s just the reality of living with mental illness. I try my best to take time for myself and to not over exert myself. It can be hard, even for me, to remember to do day to day things. Our A.D.H.D., which can cause executive dysfunction alongside many other factors, can make it difficult to get things done. Some days if all we can get done is eat, shower, and take our meds, then that’s all that matters. I would still consider that a successful day.

I hope that by sharing this it can give people more of an insight into what a caretaker's role could look like. Please remember though that this is just my experience and is in no way universal for all caretaker alters.

Same as always, thank you for reading! -Phil

• My Experience Being An Age regression Caregiver:

First off, What is age regression?:

Age regression occurs when someone reverts to a younger mental state. This can be from any age range from only a few years younger than the person's actual age, to the mindset of an infant. It is a coping mechanism that people with autism, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, and/or dissociative identity disorder sometimes have to deal with stress and/or trauma.

For me, my caregiver experience is slightly different than many others due to being an alter in a D.I.D (Dissociative Identity Disorder) system. A lot of times a caregiver is in a separate body than the regresser they are looking after.

Our host, Pine, regresses a lot due to trauma which mostly leads to involuntary age regression. I primarily help her through being conscious with her while she is little in order to help watch over her, provide comfort, And help talk her through stressful emotions if need be.

I will front as well when Pine is small and we need to go somewhere. Oftentimes when she regresses involuntarily, she has a lot of difficulty getting back to a bigger head space. Because of this, I will front when we need to go to work, go grocery shopping, or to do other important things that can't wait.

Unfortunately, because of our P.T.S.D Pine deals with impure regression. (Impure regression being when someone ages regresses involuntarily due to stress, trauma, and/or mental illness.) This means that she is often very stressed when she is little, so I try my best to help calm her down and reassure her that she is safe.

Outside of other system mates, we also have several friends who regress who I will help care for when they are feeling small. Like with pine, I tend to help out a lot in terms of impure regression. It’s one of the main things I tend to do when I front, other than self soothing.

I do genuinely enjoy being a caregiver and although it can be stressful at times, being able to comfort someone in their time of need, and to put a smile on their face makes it all worth it in my opinion

My experience as a fictive:

Hello! This is K! I’m making this post to not only share my experience as a Fictive, but to share a little about who I am outside of my source identity. Please note that this is just MY experience. Do not use my experience to invalidate other introjects. 

 When I split- 

When I first split, our host Pine was afraid of me. She was afraid of how her friends, family, and therapist would react to my existence. She had already experienced accusations of faking illness as a child and was afraid of having it happen again. On top of that, having a new split, regardless of if they are a fictive or not, is a frightening experience. Not knowing who they are or if they are going to treat you kindly can be quite a shock to the system. It took a while for her to come to trust me, but with Phil’s help she eventually came around. 

My source identity- 

During the time when I split, Pine was dealing with a lot of flashbacks, as well as other stressors in her life. Because of this, Phil decided to buy the first few volumes of a manga she had expressed interest in reading. This manga was Bleach. Needless to say, she got very attached to reading it as a form of escapism. I believe that because this series was seen as a source of comfort during a very stressful time for the system, this caused my source identity to be based off of a character in Bleach. That character is Kisuke Urahara.

Source memories-

Many introject alters will have varying levels of false memories from their source. Thankfully I have very little. I would describe what source memories I do have like vague memories from a dream. It feels as if you woke up in the morning and you know you had a dream that night, but you can only remember vague ideas from it. It doesn't feel like you actually did the things you remember in real life but still you remember it. Because of this I have very little attachment to my source, nor do I miss it.

My source identity vs. Me now-

Of course I am still an introject so naturally there are still similarities between Urahara and myself. One Of those similarities is my appearance in the headspace. I look virtually identical to Urahara. The only difference is my sword. It is not the same one that he has. I also will admit that I do see quite a few similarities in personality between the character and I, however there are differences. As I continue to gain my own life experience I will continue to grow and change as a person separate from my source, just as anyone else would. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this! -k

‐ Guilt While Fronting

Guilt While Fronting is something a lot of us in our system unfortunately struggle with. For me, K, I often feel like I'm taking away time from the other alters. I feel selfish for wanting to front because it means the others can’t. I feel this way even when I know that I have fronted less than the others.

I also deal with what I would best refer to as imposter syndrome while I'm in control of the body. Although I know logically that this body is just as much mine as it is anyone else's in our system, I still often feel like it isn't. I know that this is most likely due to not identifying with the way our body looks but still, it's hard. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here or that everyone secretly would prefer the host over me.

- I don’t hate my alters:

We have been out as a system for a bit over a year now and over this time one question we keep getting is "if you could get rid of your alters would you?" Evey system will have their own response and that's valid, but our personal response is always no, we wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, living with dissociative identity disorder is exhausting, but that's not the other alters fault. If we could have our own bodies that would be great, but that's not possible. I wouldn't want to get rid of the others if it meant they would stop existing. I don't think that's fair of me.

Unfortunately, when we say no, people don't often seem to like that response. We’ve had people respond with "so you don't want to get better?". I think a lot of people believe that recovery means being as neurotypical as possible. I hear this a lot from mental health professionals who believe that final fusion is the only method for recovery for systems, but also from regular people who think we just like to be "unique" and "different".

I don't think non-systems or even other systems should have a right to tell me how I should view my other alters. I also don't see how getting along with the others I share a body with is "anti- recovery". We personally are working towards functional multiplicity, rather than final fusion due to multiple reasons we would rather keep private for the time being, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

At the end of the day, yes I do suffer as a system. It is a mental illness after all, and I hate a lot about having D.I.D.. I hate dissociation, I hate the trauma, I hate having to share a body, but I don't hate the alters. It's not the other alters' fault they are here. None of us asked to be here but we are. They have just as much of a right to exist as I do, and I have just as much of a right to be here as the host. Our system has helped me so much to deal with trauma and life in general. They’re like a family to me. Whether people like it or not, we exist as multiple and that’s ok.

- Symptoms going from covert to overt: (DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER)

Disclaimer: this is just our personal experience dealing with our symptoms becoming more overt

What is Symptom onset?

Onset refers to the first notable signs of symptoms of a disorder. Symptom onset is a term some people choose to use to describe when certain symptoms arise or become more apparent. This happens frequently to people who have P.T.S.D. once they are in an environment where they feel safer. They can report more noticeable and more frequent symptoms.

For us our symptoms have only recently become a lot more overt rather than covert a bit over a year ago. Our host ,Pine, had been aware that we were a system several years beforehand and had been aware of certain alters for even longer, but for most of our life our symptoms of dissociative identity disorder had been a lot less noticeable.

Although certain alters in our system had good internal communication, we had very little switching and our host fronted 99% of the time. Even then, when they did switch, it was only for very short periods of time where our host had high levels of amnesia.

Nowadays, we have multiple alters who frequently front and will act notably different from one another. We also have lower levels of amnesia and there is a lot more internal communication. We have three main fronters now and switch more frequently then ever before.

This means that we have to focus a lot more on making group decisions as well as sharing time, money, and honestly, our entire lives.

We do still have around the same level of dissociation as we did when we were a minor, however, once we joined the workforce it became a lot more apparent how much it impairs our ability to complete certain tasks.

- Should alters identify as individuals of as parts of a whole

Disclaimer: this is simply my opinion and others are certainly welcome.

In short I do believe that it is up to the individual system to decide how to identify, however I would like to use this post to talk about why our system chooses to function as individuals who work as a team.

I'm going to start off by defining two words; 'personality' as it is, in a psychological context anyway, a large part of what makes up a person, and identity as this relates to our experience of having Dissociative identity disorder. (I will be using the apa definition btw)

Personality

"Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person's unique adjustment to life, including major traits, interests, drives, values, self-concept, abilities, and emotional patterns." (American Psychological Association)

Identity

an individual’s sense of self defined by (a) a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person and (b) a range of affiliations (e.g., ethnicity) and social roles. Identity involves a sense of continuity, or the feeling that one is the same person today that one was yesterday or last year (despite physical or other changes).(American Psychological Association)

I personally feel as though our system as a whole does make up a personality by this definition. We depend on each other to function and that's totally OK! When it comes to identity, I feel we all have our own identities that function as our own people since, as alters, we all have our own sense of continuity and feeling that we are ourselves every day. Although we may switch who is fronting, we as individual alters continue to exist as ourselves with our own identity in headspace.

We function socially as our own people and for us, we have found that to help us the most on our healing journey.

At the end of the day, we are first and foremost a human. Just because we present our personality as multiple due to our D.I.D. does not make us, or any other system, less of a person.

•Welcome To The Void Forest!

We have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) and made this account to share our experiences with this disorder in the hopes of spreading awareness. We are also hoping that by doing so, we can help other people with simi disorders feel less alone.

About our system:

• there are currently 11 alters in our system

• Our system consists of mostly men

• Our body is an adult

We will be using this account primarily to share our personal lived experience as a system. We try to avoid talking too heavily about the neuroscience, facts, or statistics of this disorder on our account. We want to encourage seeking out credible sources and not solely relying on social media to self educate. If we do mention things such as certain terminology, we will try our best to remember to provide info on where we got definitions and such.

Disclaimer:

There is no right way to be a system. Our experience as a system is in no way going to be the exact same as anyone else’s. Each system is unique in their life experiences and the way they function. Remember, at the end of the day, we are people just like anyone else.

• Feeling guilty for being an interject

I want to start off by saying that my experience is NOT universal. Just because I, as well as some other D.I.D. or O.S.D.D. systems may deal with this, does not mean that every introject will feel this way. I'm just here to share my own personal experience with guilt. I also want to say that I don’t feel comfortable sharing my source or my name for the time being so I will be using the sir-name, Finch for this post.

I am a factual introject (factive), meaning I am an introject of a real person. As I stated in a previous post, I am an introject of an internet celebrity who I had no idea even existed when I first split. (Our host was aware of who he was, but I was not). I have no memories of “being” him, but I do share a name, appearance, and certain personality traits with him.

I know I am not actually him, and I’m grateful for that, but I still can’t help but feel like I’m “wrong” for existing. Like I’m somehow copying or stealing from him. I feel guilty for having similar interests and sense of humor as him even though I know there isn't anything wrong with that.

I'm scared that if this internet celebrity knew I existed he would hate me and honestly if he did, I wouldn't even blame him. I feel uncomfortable for existing, I wouldn't be surprised if it made him uncomfortable too.

I know I'll grow and change as a person the more as time goes on, but I also feel like I would be lying to myself if I tried to change everything I liked. I just want to be able to enjoy the things I love without worrying about being too similar to him.

• Our Experience getting triggered due to our P.T.S.D.

Definition:

"PTSD triggers are everyday situations which cause a person to re-experience the traumatic event as if it was reoccurring in the present or related symptoms. These symptoms might include strong feelings, memories or emotions."

(traumapractice.co.uk)

"Triggers can include sights, sounds, smells, or thoughts that remind you of the traumatic event in some way."

(WebMD.com)

Our experience:

Although I will not be going into depth about our system's triggers, I will mention certain ways it affects our life.

One major way our P.T.S.D. triggers have affected us, is when we get triggered while we are at work. Recovering from flashbacks is hard enough when you are in a safe environment, but having to experience them while we are around other people and also being required to continue to work is incredibly challenging.

Triggers a lot of times lead to flashbacks, and flashbacks cause us to feel as if we are reliving our trauma. Although logically we may know we are not back in the abuse, the emotions and physical reactions our body has are very real and very difficult to manage. This makes it incredibly important for us to be able to have proper accommodations in our workplace.

It can take hours or even days for us to recover from a flashback depending on the severity of the trigger. It can leave us incredibly jumpy, scared, dissociated, and all around vulnerable for long periods of time. This can make it incredibly difficult to focus on getting even simple tasks done throughout the day.

I feel that it is important for us to share our experience to de-stigmatize the word “triggered”, and hopefully help people to have a better understanding of how these things can really affect a person.

• What to do if you think someone is Faking being a system

(Disclaimer: this is just my opinion and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I am simply stating mine)

Before I start off, I think it's important to remember that at the end of the day, you can’t know for sure if someone is faking or not, especially through the internet. It is important to remember to not fake-claim anyone as this does more harm than good.

If you do see someone who, for whatever reason, you feel may be faking it, the best thing you can do is NOT interact with them or their content. Simply scroll past or click "not interested" on their account and/or posts. Interacting, in our opinion, will only do more harm than good.

If someone is wanting attention badly enough that they go out of their way to fake a medical condition, they will not care if the attention they get is negative or positive. If you harass them, fake-claim them (which you should not be doing in general), or interact with them in any way, you are just going to be feeding into their harmful behavior.

• Alters being stereotyped and treated less than human

Disclaimer : we are specifically talking about our own experience as a system, which is in no way what everyone with D.I.D.s experience is going to look like. We are simply here to share one way a system can present.

A stereotype we often see about people with dissociative identity disorder (D.I.D.) is the idea that alters (parts) can be boiled down to base characteristics, such as “the caring one”, “the mean one”, or “the childlike one”. It is true that alters often fall into certain “rolls” in their system, such as caretaker or protector, but this is by no means the only way they can act.

It is true that for some people, their systems can be composed primarily of alters that really only function for one purpose such as filling these rolls, but more often than not, many systems alters are a lot more complex than simply just acting out a roll. Just like how your average person may have a career which makes up a good amount of their life, that is by no means all there is to them. Just like anyone else, alters are capable of having a range of emotions, opinions, and interests in their own right.

We unfortunately have dealt with several people in our lives treating us less like humans, and more as caricatures such as “the calm one” or “the hyper one”. For example, once people hear that I, Phil, am a caretaker for our system, they immediately assume that I will be “dad mode” 24/7. This is far from the case. While yes, I am often calmer than the others and am often seen as the "dad friend" in our friend group, I can also get really hyper when I talk about my interests and can get quite loud and energetic.

Most people I am close to in real life have also seen me get angry, make non-kid appropriate jokes, and many other things which I would consider not very parent-like, despite my role being that of a caretaker. I still have a human brain, and just like anyone else, I am perfectly capable of different emotions, interests, and opinions. Just because my brain functions differently does not mean it doesn't function at all.

Thank you for reading!

Like I mentioned before, we are just one example of what a system can look like. If your system presents differently that's totally OK!

•Being seen as "not wanting to recover" because we like each other

This post is probably going to be a bit different then my usual posts. This is more about an observation I've made around the reactions that some people have when I tell them that we as alters get along with each other (for the most part anyway).

A reaction we have gotten multiple times when we tell people that we get along is a look of being upset and confused, often followed by something along the lines of "so you aren't bothered by having D.I.D.?",or " so you don't want to get better?". The second statement we also get a lot when people learn that we are not necessarily striving for Final Fusion (all the alters fusing into one identity).

We get this reaction a lot from doctors and nurses, but also other people as well, and it has always confused me. For one, DID is a lot more than just having alters, so the statement "so you aren't bothered by having DID?" In response to hearing that we aren't bothered too much by the other alters is strange. Like, trust me, I hate having DID but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to hate the other alters, I just hate everything else that comes with this disorder.

Secondly, the statement "you don't want to get better?" When referring to us getting along confuses me the most. Getting along with each other was, and still is, a huge part of our healing journey. It has helped us greatly with our internal communication and to better integrate memories. I don't understand how not liking each other would help us with that in the slightest.

My best guess is that these comments come from the mindset that to be disabled is to be constantly suffering and the only way to be happy and disabled is to either be cured, or if it's chronic then the goal is to be as neurotypical/able bodied presenting as possible. This mindset, in my opinion, is incredibly problematic for a variety of reasons, which I will most likely talk about in a separate post.

I'm honestly curious if any other systems have had this said to them before or if it's just us. I'm also wondering if anyone, system or not, has any ideas as to where this mind set comes from.

Post by: Pine and K’s girlfriend

Hello! My name is Mabel and I am in a relationship with two members of the same system. These members are part of the Void Forest system. My time dating one member started when I met Pine online through Bumble. The relationship started like any other. We were texting, getting to know each other, hanging out, going on dates, and eventually deciding to be in a romantic relationship. At the time Pine was the host of the system and I had met Phil around the same time of getting to know Pine. The Void Forest was not the first system I had met in my life so I was already familiar with the basic idea of DID but I am learning more and more about DID even up to this day.

Being with Pine at the end of the day is like being with any other person. We love each other and continue to get to know more about each other every day. Just because Pine shares a body with other people does not change the nature of our relationship. I still love her with all my heart and I know he loves me. Initially I spent most of my time with Pine as she was the host of the system but lately the system’s primary fronters have changed. This means I have not seen Pine in some time but on a few occasions I am able to communicate to her through other system members or when she has fronted on rare occasions.This means I do miss her but I understood this as a possibility when entering the relationship. At first it was a challenge coming to terms with the idea that I may not see my partner for any amount of time but it is getting easier and I know I still have a loving relationship with Pine.

After meeting Pine and Phil I met K. K and I started as friends for longer than Pine and I were just friends. At the time I didn’t have any desire to date other people besides Pine but eventually K and I developed a mutual attraction to each other. When this started to happen, Pine gave her consent for K and I to start casually dating.

Alters as Individuals

Hey! My name's Max. I'm an alter, part, person, however you want to call it, with Dissociative Identity Disorder. For this post I wanted to talk about individual personhood and personal autonomy while sharing a body with other alters.

For context: In our system there are 10 of us in total, with only 4 who frequently front. For us we tend to be pretty overtly different from one another, especially in social settings, such as with friends and what not. We will try to mask as each other is necessary, but not all of us are necessarily good at it.

The Actual Topic: I've seen that in discussions about DID and OSDD, people tend to want black and white answers to questions like “should alters be seen as separate people or as parts of a whole?” When in reality, personhood in DID and personhood in general are a lot more complicated than just one or the other.

Like body wise? Obviously we are one person. I don't think anyone's genuinely arguing about this. Legally? Well we all have the same social security number so that seems like one person to me. Where it gets more complicated is when you start to get into social settings and individual sense of self.

A good thing I like to ask people is “what makes you a person?” Is it your body? Brain? Your likes and dislikes? Your opinions? Your sense of self?

Like sure, you can define things scientifically such as personality, and identity in a psychological context, but is that alone what makes you… well…you?

In my case the question is “who is max?” like, psychologically speaking, if collectively we all make up one personality and if personality is what makes us a person, then am I as Max not a person? But I'm living, breathing. I have my own thoughts and opinions, separate from the others. Those don't go away when I switch out. Are my thoughts and opinions not as valid as someone without DID? If my personal sense of self isn't valid, then none of us are. I mean, we're all equally “just alters”.

I think what I'm wanting people to understand is that “yes or no” and “right or wrong” answers don't really work well in this context. It's a mix of everything. At the end of the day, I am Max. My pronouns are he/him. We can talk about psychology, philosophy, and sociology all we want, but at the end of the day, I just want to be respected, just like anyone else, whether they have DID or not. When I tell you my name is Max, respect it, please.