Introduction Letter

Introduction letter

I´ve always been afraid of showing myself: showing my appearance, showing my thoughts, showing my feelings… It´s always been a safe place for me to remain in the anonymity (not exactly hiding in the shadows, though). Over time, I´ve realized this might have multiple reasons: I´m an introvert, I´m a very shy and anxious person, this way I can avoid feeling ashamed and to be judged. This last not because I misbehave (…all the time :P), but mostly because I´m very insecure (I know I have a lot of defects, that there is a lot of things I don´t know; I don´t need people to make it explicit all the time).

I´m starting this blog as an exercise for me to record the things that I like, my desires, my dreams, my fear, the thoughts that cross my mind often or rarely (but that certainly represent the way I perceive the world) … in general to use it as a diary.

Why here where literally anyone with internet can access this blog and get to know me? Well, this is part of the test (game?). I´ll try to show only pieces of me, of my life that either might or might not be interconnected. Nevertheless, I promise myself to always write and post the truth or at least my most sincere thoughts. Let´s see how it goes… hopefully no one will get to read this.

Let me give a first clue: I´m not a native English speaker (it was not obvious yet? :P).

I hope this blog brings entertainment and certain joy. May this journey enrich the way I perceive myself and help me to build a better me.

                                                                                    To be continued… M.

I’ve always had the felling I’d be a good dragon master.

Teotihuacán. March, 2018

Bracelets. May 2024

Dilemma

Another story with “Petit Monsieur”.

Last Saturday morning we planned to visit a museum and have launch together that same evening. He´d go first to a class of skateboarding and we´d meet again latter.

It was a good plan. I had time to do some chores and other stuffs. Evening came and he texted me saying there was a change of plans: his friends invited him to have lunch and skate some more. So, we´d see latter, maybe until night. Plans got canceled.

Here is where the problem (my problem?) started. Generally, I don´t know how to react at first when plans changes, probably disappointment or discouragement comes first, but I immediately start to rationalize my feelings (overthink, you know).  Pride and ego also play a role: “If this is your decision, a decision you made by yourself without consulting me, if this is what you want, it´s fine, I´m not going to beg you, I´m not going to show this makes me sad. You´re missing it”.

I know, this might sound extreme, and this is why I try to control my feelings. In that moment I just replied that I hoped he´d have fun and we could plan something for that night when he´d come back.

Was it extreme? Am I immature? Am I throwing a tantrum? Am I right and I´m the victim of this careless and ruthless guy? I move like a pendulum from sufferer to toxic guy. And I still don´t know how to react: either try to forget this incident and move on or complain.

In the meantime, my pride and anxiety are still there: I´ll do my own plans and have fun by myself. I´ll go out, I´ll go for a stroll and try to distract myself (perhaps a cigarette might help). I get tired of too much thinking.

This helps, but it doesn´t solve the dilemma. Petit Monsieur called me, and we met that night. I asked him how his day was, I told him what I ended up doing (walk around some bookstores). Finally, I expressed how his decision made me feel (calmly and a bit of sadness on my voice). He didn´t realize how all this made me feel, so he hugged me and promised me a candy (<3).

I think I always knew what to do since the beginning, but this huge wave of feelings (anxiety included), plus the overthinking, makes always hard for me to handle this kind of situations. I cannot control what I feel, but I can control how I react on those situations.

Niagara Falls. April, 2018.