October 2023. Rolling At Night.

October 2023. Rolling at night.

Looking through the window at the Mississippi river. Baton Rouge August 2024

Hipnos has gotten so good at playing TFT he wins first place eyes closed.

Musical sunset. March 2024

Dilemma

Another story with “Petit Monsieur”.

Last Saturday morning we planned to visit a museum and have launch together that same evening. He´d go first to a class of skateboarding and we´d meet again latter.

It was a good plan. I had time to do some chores and other stuffs. Evening came and he texted me saying there was a change of plans: his friends invited him to have lunch and skate some more. So, we´d see latter, maybe until night. Plans got canceled.

Here is where the problem (my problem?) started. Generally, I don´t know how to react at first when plans changes, probably disappointment or discouragement comes first, but I immediately start to rationalize my feelings (overthink, you know).  Pride and ego also play a role: “If this is your decision, a decision you made by yourself without consulting me, if this is what you want, it´s fine, I´m not going to beg you, I´m not going to show this makes me sad. You´re missing it”.

I know, this might sound extreme, and this is why I try to control my feelings. In that moment I just replied that I hoped he´d have fun and we could plan something for that night when he´d come back.

Was it extreme? Am I immature? Am I throwing a tantrum? Am I right and I´m the victim of this careless and ruthless guy? I move like a pendulum from sufferer to toxic guy. And I still don´t know how to react: either try to forget this incident and move on or complain.

In the meantime, my pride and anxiety are still there: I´ll do my own plans and have fun by myself. I´ll go out, I´ll go for a stroll and try to distract myself (perhaps a cigarette might help). I get tired of too much thinking.

This helps, but it doesn´t solve the dilemma. Petit Monsieur called me, and we met that night. I asked him how his day was, I told him what I ended up doing (walk around some bookstores). Finally, I expressed how his decision made me feel (calmly and a bit of sadness on my voice). He didn´t realize how all this made me feel, so he hugged me and promised me a candy (<3).

I think I always knew what to do since the beginning, but this huge wave of feelings (anxiety included), plus the overthinking, makes always hard for me to handle this kind of situations. I cannot control what I feel, but I can control how I react on those situations.

Niagara Falls. April, 2018.