- Beacon

ビーコン - Beacon

She watches as the blood drip from the bag. When she hears the doctor’s good news, her whole body relaxes from the heart-pounding adrenaline. Her hand relaxes but it stills stays wrapped around JD’s hand. It’s support to her, but she couldn’t remember the last time she had contact. 

The simple kind, like holding hands. Minus having to undergo a life or death situation. Simple things like that made her bones and her heart ache

But it was over now and she could leave to wipe her hands off the blood. Problem was, she didn’t know how to let go. And part of her was afraid something bad would happen. That some other danger would arise.

But another part of her is desperately screaming self-assurance. That she’s safe, and the trouble is over.

She nodded, full of exhaustion and overwhelm. “You’re welcome.” She watched him walk away until she could no longer see his faint silhouette.

She makes her way to back to her temporary place of stay, her first action is to run the sink and plug it. When it was full, she submerged her head in, screaming her head off, letting out those overwhelming screams drown in the water. That was a conversation that had too much going all at once. Even though it was important for JD to talk to her, to allow every secret to spill in the space they shared, he really needed a filter to say things one at a time.

She screams until she’s out of breath. She pulls her head back, taking deep breaths. She pulls the loose strands away from her vision and takes a moment to breathe. Drying it with a towel on the counter, she makes her way to her bed and collapses. Crawling she, pulls the blankets over her, and lays there until she sleeps, thinking about just how they were gonna pull it off. 

On top of that, she thinks of whether or not there’ll be someone who’ll love her one day. She keeps thinking until her conscious state slips into that of dreaming and wondering one thing: 

Will people like her and JD find their happy endings in this life?

End

Her eyes widened a little but they softened as she listened more. There was...relief on her face. Like she found someone like her for the first time in so long.

“I’ll be honest, I never really agreed with that. The whole ‘repopulate’ thing. I think that should be done out of love, never necessity,” She says shrugging. “It should be of choice, and you should never do something that you didn’t choose.”

Growing up away from those two opposing sides, she didn’t really have a mindset to base her opinions off of. Or a place to shut her ability to express herself. To find out who she was as Shimabukuro, not as a COG or an Outsider. She found out that she liked both girls and boys but not like other ‘normal people would. But there was also something she found out as well.

“And I did. She was a girl named Jean. She was in the COG as well, but I never really cared that she was. I wasn’t really into anybody, you know, sexually. Later I found out that’s what it’s like to be asexual,” She admits. Emotions swell in her throat as she continues to open her secret heart.

 “I used to think that something was wrong with me, because I didn’t feel the same things as normal people did.  I was afraid if I told someone, even her, she’d look at me the wrong way, and confirm everything I thought to be true about myself.”

“But I love being with people, and I care for them so much. I still feel, and I don’t feel that way about myself anymore

“I guess...Maybe that’s why I never really cared about the physical aspects of anybody. Maybe that’s why I just care and feel so much more than other people do. Just like you do with Wade. That’s such a human thing and that’s not your fault. Just as much as it isn’t mine.”