Does Anyone Remember That One Post About The Real Estate Agent Arguing With The Ghost In The House? Where

Does anyone remember that one post about the real estate agent arguing with the ghost in the house? Where the ghost asks if he sold the house and the real estate agent says obviously not, idiot. Someone did an audio of it but I can’t find it.

A quick life tip: DO NOT YELL AT CASHIERS. DO NOT TELL US WHAT OUR STORE POLICY IS. DO NOT CALL US STUPID AND BELITTLE US.

We know what we’re doing. And we’re not doing these things to spite you. But I’m not losing my job over your coupons.

It was, honestly, about how you expected meeting your father would go. You’d always known it was going to be brief, probably either too awkward to bear or cut off quickly by your mother. You hadn’t expected him to be the Grim Reaper or to give you his actual fucking scythe, but you were good at rolling with the punches.

Your mother wasn’t happy. In fact, she was downright furious. Her nose had done that scrunch up thing, with her nostrils flaring, that had always kind of reminded you of an angry bull. And she had tried to take the scythe, declaring that your father’s battles weren’t yours and he had no business dragging you into it. But the scythe had disappeared from her hands just a moment after she’d grabbed it, showing up again as a dark tattoo on your arm. That had been kind of freaky, even more so when you’d touched the new mark and the scythe had materialized back in your hand.

It came in handy when the first attack came. Three weeks after your father had shown up and two weeks after you’d gotten the story of your conception out of your mother (mom was a necromancer, who knew?), they came for you. Your father showed back up, demanded you both come with him, and then suddenly the yard was filled with beings that looked like they’d crawled straight out of Hell. From what your father said, they actually had.

There were three of them. The first was as tall as their house, two stories of spindly limbs that looked fragile enough to shatter but undoubtedly weren’t. It’s arms were almost longer than its body, with hands that looked more like crab claws. It had no face, which made it all the more terrifying as it seemed to be staring right at you. The second was the size of your mom’s SUV, hunched over like a gorilla with the fists to match. The thing seemed to be made of muscle and its skin, a pale and smooth surface that seemed to shine, had actually split open in several places. Like it was a shirt being ripped instead of an important piece of biology. Black blood poured from the splits. Its eyes were beady but focused, its massive maw snapping in anticipation. The third creature was perhaps the least terrifying, roughly human shaped and only about six feet tall. But it was covered in dark purple scales and also had no face. Only a mass of twisting thorns growing from its skull, some of them big enough that they gave the appearance of horns. It stood to the side, holding its hands in front of it like a child waiting for a sweet.

Your father took the scythe from you and went after the thorn monster on his own while your mother dragged you deeper into the house. Above, you heard the tall monster ripping at the roof. Behind you, you heard the house breaking as the gorilla monster came running after you. Your mother dragged you into her office and you found out quickly why you’d never been allowed in there. It was both horrifying and awesome to watch your mother reanimate five cadavers from her work. And watching those five dead bodies then attack the gorilla monster was the coolest shit you had ever seen. The undead couldn’t do much but they slowed the monster down long enough for your mother to grab a sword off her wall (the one she had sworn to you was decorative) and drive it into the monster’s face.

Your father took care of the other two monsters in the meantime, Reaper speed and experience lending him the upperhand. And then, after a full blown screaming match between your recently reunited parents, the three of you took off in your mom’s now heavily scratched SUV.

Now, your being chased by the forces of the afterlifes. Aided by other Reapers who have hated having their lives (or not-lives) controlled by their profession. Who, like your father, want a child despite it being extremely forbidden.

It’s weird being apart of a revolution of magical, mythical, and divine beings. But hey, it’s nice to see your parents falling back in love.

You were always normal, nothing out of the ordinary. One day, you open the door to the Grim Reaper. He gives you his sythe and only says, “You’re gonna need this.”

More siren related stuff. Focus on Angelo. Not super fleshed out and it’s kind of softly exploring a new character I’m working with.

***

“You’re gonna bring them down on us. The way you keep looking.” Joanne declared.

Angelo pulled away from the side of the ship as quickly as possible. He winced, casting the woman a guilty look. Two of the other sailors nearby laughed at him and he could feel his skin heat up. “Sorry.” He ducked his head, avoided her eyes.

She took pity on him. “It’s alright. Some of ours have been doing it too. We’re lucky though, our captain is keeping us calm.” She looked up at the helm, at the woman looking out at all of them with those steel eyes. Angelo didn't like those eyes. They seemed to see straight into his heart, read his memories. “She’s assured us all that the sea-damned don’t attack ships like ours. All women.” Joanne said it as fact, without even a tiny doubt in her voice.

“Even with us here? Even with...” Angelo cut himself off. He knew they all knew what must have happened but he didn't want to say it out loud. Make it real.

“Well, that’s what she’s saying. I think it’s true. Never hear about it. I’d never even seen one before until we found all of you.”

“But none of you are men. You wouldn’t do what we did.”

Here, Joanne paused. She bit her lip and moved forward, coming up beside him against the rail. She looked out at the horizon and saw something else. “My father used to say I was. Maybe, if I’d stayed to live the life he wanted me to, I would have been the sort to do what your crew did.” She shrugged. The other sailors nearby had moved off when she mentioned her father, giving respectful nods in their direction before going. Not leaving because they were uncomfortable, leaving out of a respect for privacy. “Doesn’t matter but.” Joanne sighed and looked back at him. Her gaze was still a little far away but she was seeing him. “The sea-damned are only known to attack those who deserve it. They don’t risk killing innocent people.”

He couldn’t help protesting. “That you know of.”

He was testing her patience. She grabbed his shoulder, spun him, and pushed him towards the hatch. “That I know of.” She repeated sharply.

Jane: “Hi everybody, this is Jane, and welcome back to our podcast: Magical Bullshit! Today we will be doing some magical bullshit! Like always, am I right?”

Keith: “Jane.”

Jane: “Anyways, so you guys know that I am not the fantasy savvy one. So, logically, it should be Everett who leads this group. He should be the only one who decides what quests we do and what jobs we take. But I live to piss off Everett. So today, I have taken a job from a very shady elf to steal back an object, that he could give me no details about how it was stolen in the first place, from a suspicious looking woman. Joining me today is our good buddy, Keith!”

Keith: “Hey guys. I didn’t want to help her with this but she stole my last pair of normal world socks.”

Jane: “Keith is very enthusiastic to be here. Anyways, we did a little recon on this woman and I’m almost thirty percent sure she’s a witch. Which is good since I am immune to fire and that seems to be witches’ favorite thing to hurl at me. Keith is still very flammable but he’s prepared to use me as a human shield.”

Keith: “I am. Are you ready?”

Jane: “Yes! Hold on tight everybody! Things are about to get crazy.”

*sounds of crunching leaves and a stick snapping. A window opens*

*indistinct breaking in noises*

*very loud crash*

Jane: “Fuck’s sake, Ketih.”

*fireball sound*

Keith: “Sonofa—.”

*second fireball sound*

*phone drops and the noise becomes muffled. Either they are fighting the witch or someone spilled a very large pot of soup and is trying desperately to fix that mistake. Someone shouts something indstinct and the fighting stops. Several minutes pass before the phone is picked up.*

Jane: “Holy shit! Alright, so, Maggie here is actually not a thief! Turns out the shady elf is a dick who has been trying to steal from her for years. Now we’re gonna go fight him! I’m gonna turn this off for a while but I’ll turn it back on when we confront Dick Elf!”

Insomnia Kill Me

Every Single

Passing Day

It gets harder and harder

To stay awake

And yet I cannot,

For the life of me,

Get Any Damn Sleep