( Verse: Modern. - Tumblr Posts

the shoe meeting his shoulder is well earned — even with the liquor buzzing through his blood stream, he realizes it's perhaps a little too soon to be making any jokes. ( the horror on her face, before he even announced his presence, as she took only a few hesitant steps down the aisle, replays in his mind. even as all of the guests ran, or hid, as if there were a wolf among them — he could only focus on feyre. the sheer panic, radiating from her. only a fool would be blind to it. it's what urged him to speak up. if he had to play the villain one last time, so be it. )

though he doesn't expect her demands, even more shocked when cassian actually listens. a brow raises, as he turns to face her, halfway out of the car. even with the threat of her leaving, there's a casual coolness to him, as if she were bluffing. " you won't make it even a block in that hideous thing, feyre darling. " words a gentle purr, amusement flickering across his features. it takes a disappointed look from cass in the mirror for his posture to change — sitting up for a hand to wrap around her wrist, whatever is left of his smile slipping away from lips. " get back in the car, please. tamlin has probably already insisted on telling everyone we've kidnapped you. "

@rhysie said: “Suppose I told everyone that I had seduced you.”

“ shut up. ” i smacked him hard on the shoulder with the high heel in my hand, shooting him my iciest glare. the last possible thing i wanted to think about was how terrible it must have looked, leaving my wedding with rhysand — the very man who had so rudely interrupted my nuptials. no, i couldn’t bask in my own traitorous, self-loathing, not when piles of white gossamer and walls of red flowers had been so suffocating and the music seemed to orchestrate my impending death march. all i knew was i had to get out of there, and rhys had presented me with a quick escape. i squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my temples, trying to block out the image of tamlin, looking so confused and horrified on the other end of the bloody red aisle. the way i quickly ran out the back, the moment the crowd of strangers erupted in chaos, so easily disturbed just by rhys’s mere presence. the moment i had secured my reserved spot in hell.

“ stop the car, ” i demanded, avoiding the puzzled glances from rhys’s bulky driver, who immediately pulled to an abrupt stop. jolting forward, i instinctively grabbed ahold of rhys’s arm, practically flinching as i let go instantly. mistake after mistake. gathering up the incessant layers of fabric of my dress, i shook off my other shoe and kicked the car door open. “ if you’re going to insist on being a drunken ass, then i can surely manage on my own from here. ”

@feydarling : i'm not letting you sleep on the floor.

their plan couldn't have been going worse. on the run, hiding in a motel room that only had one bed, while the rain relentlessly pours down. nothing else around them for miles. by the time rhysand is finished ransacking the vending machines, desperate for anything that didn't look past it's expiration date, he's drenched. a palm pushes back raven strands clinging to his forehead, dumping his haul onto the table while feyre freshens up in the restroom. the rain soaked shirt he was wearing is shed off, as he grabs a pillow from the bed, & the flask he keeps on him, planting himself on the floor.

when feyre emerges, there's an attempt at hiding his grimace — casually shrugging, as if his skin weren't crawling at the thought of sleeping on this carpet. " i've slept in dirtier places, feyre darling. " he nods towards the pile of junk food, taking a swig of whiskey before holding it up to her. " hope you're hungry. we have a lovely spread of stale chips, expired pop-tarts, and luckily ... alcohol. "

eyes roll, contemplating her offer for half a second — his pride to prove himself quickly losing to the bitter chill that danced across his spine. the first thing he’d looked for upon arriving was a thermostat, only to find it broken. naturally. “ only since you insist. ” he realizes his gaze may be lingering on her for far too long, taking in the sight of his clothes on her, how his sweatshirt swallows her up. how she still manages to look so perfect, despite damp tresses messily falling over her shoulders. he averts his eyes to the flask. the only way he’ll make it through this. “ i’ll be on my best behavior, promise. ” hands raise to show his palms in surrender, though the smirk on his lips says otherwise.

he carefully sits on the edge of the mattress, his back turned to her, as if one abrupt movement would cause her to change her mind, head tilting back as he takes another swig of his liquid courage. in the moment of silence, he can feel the heaviness of her breaths, the way she shifts completely, as if he knows exactly what’s on her mind. her question is only confirmation of what he suspected. lucien finding them was unexpected — the panic rhysand felt, when for a moment he thought there might’ve been a chance feyre would actually go with him, was even more so. it twisted at him, consuming him until he was frozen, unable to even spew any of his usual insults at him. he was fully ready to face the fact that he would never see her again. yet she defied all expectations, turning even lucien’s face pallid, standing her ground. there won’t ever be a time where he forgets that. where he regrets any of this.

he turns to face feyre, throwing all caution to the wind as he shifts closer. his head slowly shakes, features hardening. his response is quick, stern — as if he couldn’t let her even wonder for a second longer where he stands. “ no. never. ”

my clothes soaked, i had no choice but to change into a pair of tattered leggings and the dry, black sweatshirt rhys had lent me, trying to ignore the faint scent of his cologne. i busied myself in the bathroom longer than i needed to, becoming increasingly aware of the forced proximity we would have to endure tonight. only exiting after i heard him on the other side of the door. shaking off the adrenaline that had fueled me all day, perhaps i should’ve been more scared — knowing both tamlin and hybern were after us, but all i could think about was the wet, shirtless rhys on the floor. “ i have a hard time believing your silver spooned sensibilities would allow for that. ” i had to step over his legs to cross the room. “ there’s plenty of room, ” i shrugged, knowing full well there wasn’t, but i was so used to sharing.

“ this is luxury, ” i gladly took the flask from him, taking a decent sized gulp, hardly wincing from the burn this time. i was leaning to love the pain. handing the whiskey back to him, i ripped open a bag of chips, before situating myself and sitting criss cross on the bed. aside from the loud crunch of chips, silence enveloped the tiny room, as some level of exhaustion began to wear on me as i considered the day’s events. the realization that tamlin had sent lucien to find us, to bring me back. knowing i was reluctantly the center of so much of this chaos. just dragging them all down with me. “ are you starting to regret it yet? ” helping me.

he knows where her mind travels to before she even speaks. she's drowning, it's a feeling he knows all too well: the self-hatred that looms over you, the guilt that plagues every thought, all consuming. he had been suffocating in it, hopeless. looking for any means to save his family, with little regard for what happens to himself. until she came along. & then suddenly, there was light. a symbol that someone could still be good, no matter what horrors they've been put through. a reason to fight for more.

his jaw clenches at just the idea of her leaving with lucien — an image he can see so clearly, her self sacrifice. returning back to tamlin, just to be his prize. miserable & fading away as days go by. as if it would actually ease any trouble. as if it wouldn't break him. gaze is unwavering, unwilling to let the thought fester any longer. " if he took you ... i would have burnt everything to the ground to get you back. do not think of yourself as a burden for a second. " a beat, callused exterior softening as he returns some composure. " besides, i've been meaning to take a vacation. "

her admission catches him off guard, breath catching in his throat. though he saw it in her eyes. the fire that burned bright. her finger on the trigger, ready to pull it at a moment's notice. he ignores how fast his heart races, swallows down any hope that maybe — maybe she might actually feel the same way about him. this is not the time nor place to even travel down that road. " i know. " eyes dart to his pillow, a last ditch effort to distract himself from the ache in his chest. " we should get some sleep. you have a long day of training tomorrow. "

he enveloped the room, not just by his size, but the way he carried himself — each movement made with so much intention and grace, the sheer power that radiated off of someone who knew he was born a weapon. my pulse began to raise as he sat on the squeaky mattress, suddenly so unsure of myself and my need to share such subliminal space with him. i stared at his bare back, eyes fixated as i quietly memorized the various scars, carefully covered by dark, inky swirls and patterns. the way his shoulders raised softly with each breath, the blades sliding together as he stretched.

my breath lodged in my throat, i froze as he creeped closer, his full attention turned towards me as his bright eyes bore into mine. purely adamant, nothing in him relented, no regret to be found as i studied his features. my voice soft and lowered, i spoke carefully, “ if i had gone back with him, you’d be free to go home. be with your family. no more hiding. ” instead, i was dragging them all down with me. a walking hazard of destruction and chaos — everywhere i went, devastation followed. and yet, he had been there for me every step of the way — trying to pull me out before the worst had even begun. how stupid i had been not to trust him or heed his warnings. that naive stubbornness had only gotten us here.

i knew now there was no one that i trusted with my life more than rhys. no one i could count on more than him. even after months of trying to push him away, he’d thrown everything away for me, more than once. “ i was ready to shoot him. ” the conviction in my voice surprised even me. “ if he tried to hurt you. i would’ve shot them all. ”

his heart stumbles over itself, how her gaze softens as she looks at him engraved in his mind. as if she really sees him — darkness & all. yet still she stays, unwavering. he regrets the idea of sleep instantly, attempting to dull down the feeling with one last swig from his flask, before setting it on the bedside table. " i'll remember that tomorrow, when you're complaining about how exhausted you are. "

when he moves to his side of the mattress, rhysand is hit with the realization of just how small it is. engulfed in the scent of lilac & pear, it's consumes him so thoroughly he hardly notices the temperature of the room, until he feels feyre shiver. " you're freezing. " a beat, before he decides to override his previous promise, sliding to wrap his arms around her. pulling her closer until her back is pressed against him, tucking the crown of her head under his chin.

a thought in exchange for a thought. their moments of brutal honesty: sharing secrets that they'd been too scared to tell anyone else, yet as soon as they're spoken to each other, any fear disappears. he doesn't hesitate, suddenly fearless, voice a gentle hum. " i'm thinking that ... i look at you, and i feel like i'm dying. like i can't breathe. i'm thinking that i want you so badly, that i can't concentrate on anything else whenever i'm around you. "

leaving everything behind was almost too easy for me — with nothing to my name and no one who would really miss me, i was a born fugitive. but rhys was different. he had an entire family he had built, people he protected, something he was fighting for. his wonderful inner circle that i had somehow grown to care for in such a short amount of time. their friendship and loyalty were a testament to rhys himself — the way he held them together, shouldering so many burdens so the rest of them wouldn’t have to. only for me to rip him from them in my cataclysmic tidal wave of destruction.

sometimes it felt like he could read my mind, as his eyes bore into mine, dissecting my every breath like i was under a microscope. could he read it on my face? the way my pulse quickened and a shiver ran down my spine as he vowed to avenge me. how could i explain what i had felt in that moment, as i finally realized for certain, i would choose rhysand and his family over tamlin and lucien every time. i held his gaze until he broke it, awkwardly shifting in the bed as he did. “ more training? i thought you just called this a vacation. don’t they say sleep is for the weak? ”

i wasn’t tired in the slightest. but even so, i shut off the bedside light and slipped under the single, flimsy cover. laying flat on my back, i stared at the ceiling almost afraid to glance to the side. the room was so cold i could practically see my breath, with each rise and fall of my chest. my hand, laying at my side, resisted the desperate urge to grab his — my fingers almost outstretched towards him. i knew if i so much as brushed against him, some electric jolt would shock me. “ tell me what you’re thinking about. be honest. ”

a sharp inhale, as her fingertips trail across veins, like ice upon his flesh. yet it's the only thing that grounds him, pulls him out of his own thoughts & self doubts for the second his confession lingers between them. when she finally speaks, her words play on repeat in his mind. echoing as if his ears had been playing tricks on him, searching for any ' but ... ' that never came. & suddenly, all of his concerns are momentarily washed away: the fear of almost losing her today, hybern at their doorstep. gone. there is only her, in this tiny bed, whispering everything he's only dreamt of.

his eyes flicker to meet feyre's, suddenly at odds with their proximity — the desire that sparks through him impossible to ignore. yet he knows there's more that needs to be said. even if it makes her despise him, he's kept her in the dark for too long. it'll only get worse. " me either. but — " train of thought gets cut off with a shudder, her freezing touch finally catching up to him. goosebumps raise across his skin as he shivers, breathy laughter shaking at his shoulders. " your fingers ... are very cold. "

any rational thinking is thrown aside, consumed by temptation & desperation to be selfish, just this once. even if he can only have her right now, in just this moment — it would be enough. he buries his smile into her neck, his palm splaying out against her stomach to venture upward. payback.

i pulled the thin blanket around me, turning on my side to face the wall, as i curled into a tight ball with the little space i had. i stared at the wall in the quiet darkness, trying to keep my teeth from rattling and body shivering. my damp hair stuck to my neck as the moisture pooled onto the pillow. his presence eased me as much as it unnerved me, a walking paradox i couldn’t escape. the same force that told me to run, was constantly pulling me in. that same burning temptation that had been gnawing at me since the first night we met.

i didn’t resist as he pulled me against him — my body slack as i melted in his arms, as if i’d lost control of myself and surrendered completely. the heat of his body warmed me instantly. i curled back against him, somehow fitting perfectly. those earlier nerves seemed to disappear as i gripped his arms, my fingers brushing softly against the back of his large hands in passive stokes. tracing the veins down his arm, like i were memorizing each bicep.

i couldn’t dare breathe as he spoke, practically losing function of my own body — heat burned through me as he confirmed what i had known well before i was ready to admit it. the truth rang loudly in that tiny room, as he held me against him. he had me. he had me from the start. “ i haven’t stopped thinking about you. not once. since well before i left. before the wedding even. ” my confession hung in the air, as some perpetual weight finally lifted off of me. “ i know what that makes me and i suppose i don’t have it in me to care any more. ” finally, i exhaled, turning over to face him. “ i wouldn’t wish to be here with anyone else. ”

he savors every gasp, the way she surrenders herself fully, how soft her skin feels under his calloused touch. it’s everything he’s dreamed of for months, all of the ways he has imagined just touching her. & somehow better, like they were made for just this. any apprehension has dissipated, replaced with sheer focus on only pleasing her. fingers work slowly as they explore her, memorizing every inch, stopping just below her breast. tauntingly, his strokes are light, refusing to go any higher until she tells him exactly what she wants — as if she didn’t already have him at her complete disposal, wrapped around her finger. “ what is it that you want, feyre darling? ”

the sigh as feyre ventures downward is muffled against her throat, nipping at flesh before his tongue soothes the hurt. his hips move closer, pressing against her until her hand lacks the space to move. he won’t allow himself to have her — not like this. in a bed that’s too small, with too many secrets lingering between them, still so uncertain where they even stand. his attention is fully on her, every kiss trailing up her neck a symbol of worship.

his mouth stops at her jawline, finger circling around her nipple before his palm swallows the size of her breast. voice is a gentle purr, casual & cool despite him feeling anything but. “ tell me what you want. ” after all this time of pining, of convincing himself she would never feel the same, he needs to hear it: that she wants him, too.

as our eyes met, something in me settled as i accepted the truth that had been hanging over me for months. for once, i didn’t run from it, as i stared into his striking, violet eyes. the same eyes that followed me wherever i went, as they crept into my dreams and had taken over my whole world. i’d chosen this gladly and without regret — to stay here, on the run with him, rather than turning back and returning to a life that could never really serve me. i finally chose me. and him. and whatever laid ahead of us. whatever it was, i knew i could face it. the same way i faced lucien earlier today. with rhys offering his constant support.

my hands continued to run over his strong arms absentmindedly, only stopping as he spoke. “ that’s your weakness? cold hands? i didn’t know you were such a — ” my words were cut off by the breathy gasp that escaped me, as his mouth marked a spot on my neck and his hand slipped under the sweatshirt that belonged to him. his grasp was full of proprietary intent. i melted like putty in his hands as they roamed over my body. my head tilted back, elongating my neck to give him more access to my throat. his touch ignited me fully as i finally succumbed and allowed myself to throw caution to the wind, giving in to the need that had plagued me.

i remembered how to breathe, if just barely, and regained control of my body, as one of my legs entangled itself around his. one of my hands gripped his broad shoulder, before running down the length of his torso, slowing carefully as i neared his waistband. my body arched towards him, desperate for further exploration. “ i want — ” i could barley think, let alone get the words out. “ i need— ”

there is no act, no song or dance to hide behind. for once, he doesn't bother to hide the permanent frown carved into his features. doesn't bother to control his uneven breathing, or the fact that he's drinking at barely noon. his emotions are on full display, jealousy & all. perhaps he should be happy for her — for the fact that for the first time since he's known her, feyre's smile was genuine. it was shining, beaming & real. all of those desperate attempts to make it happen himself, to bring some life back to her ... he realizes now, it would've never been him. he isn't like tarquin. ( he isn't the bright sun, a balmy summer casting warmth onto you. he is a midnight sky, cold darkness that leaves a chill running down your spine. )

perhaps that's what hurts the most, what he tries to drown away with the glass in his hands, now emptied. she deserves this. someone who is purely good. she deserves to be carefree, to smile unabashedly, surrounded by nothing but comfort. everything he is not. he only answers with a small shrug, busying himself with pouring another drink to avoid fixating on the shiny new gift in her hands. " you avoided me at breakfast this morning. why? "

@rhysie said: your smile is almost convincing

“ what makes you think it wasn’t genuine? ” i scowled, some hint of annoyance laced in my words, as if i had some secret moment with tarquin to covet. a brief, intimate exchange that had already served its purpose in reminding me that there were a world of possibilities awaiting me, as soon as i was ready. that same feeling of renewal had engulfed me as soon as we could feel the sea breeze. for the first time in months, i felt truly emboldened. reclaiming the confidence i had allowed to be stolen from me.

i could always tell when rhys’s eyes were on me. i could also feel when they weren’t. how his full attention had been on cresseida, hardly ever passing a glance my way, before the two of them seemed to disappear together for hours. i had no reason to be as disturbed by it as i was, reminding myself that we had only just become friends — if that’s what we were. but i could only return the gesture by avoiding him as well, giving tarquin my entire focus. only for rhys to cut my pointed evasion short, making himself at home in my room as if it had been his all along. i turned my back to him, occupying myself with the necklace tarquin had gifted me, studying the black diamonds with precision. “ i thought you wanted me to smile more. ”

" is that why you shut me out? " & let tarquin in. stomach twists, scowl forming. it would be easy to write off her flirtation as just that. payback, for cresseida. that she were just as jealous as he was, that whatever this is between them was driving her just as mad. but feyre's words were truthful, he'd known it the second he overheard them. raw honesty he'd never gotten from her : it would be easy to love you. it echoes back to him, burying him, cementing what he'd already known all along. it would never be easy for him.

his snarl is quiet, eyes dim. " we got drinks, she ranted about her life, and then i walked her to her room. i didn't even so much as kiss her, even though she wanted to — " an inhale. does it even matter? does explaining change their fate? tone drops, loses its edge. there is an vulnerable softness, his gaze averting down to the glass in his hands. " and then i waited for you at breakfast. i even tried to catch your eye after. yet you were so good at shutting me out completely. "

i could feel his bitter indignation burning behind me, some small, but fatal crack in his armor torn open — the calculated self-control and restraint he usually possessed had been seemingly left at the door as he came undone. his half-drunken agitation a far cry from the debonair and silver-tongued gentleman i had been keen to avoid all day. i watched him through the mirror, my brow knitted as i studied him carefully — noting the unfamiliar grimace his features had twisted into, as he quickly reached for another drink. was he actually jealous? — the sheer notion was almost enough to make me laugh, were it not for its blatancy, and the small part of myself that reveled in it.

finally, turning to face him, i maintained my composure, aside from the icy inflection in my voice. “ i’m surprised you noticed, considering how occupied you’ve been. ” it shouldn’t have bothered me, to have his attention turned elsewhere, when i could hardly claim it to begin with. perhaps the last few weeks of his teasing and taunts had been just that, an insincere distraction. and yet the thought of cresseida curled in his lap, spoon feeding him breakfast, was enough to make me puke. “ why interrupt while she had her hands all over you? ”

whatever it takes. he suddenly realizes his regret: telling her those words. if not even for his jealousy, but for putting her in such a position. warming up to cresseida, shamelessly flirting just to keep her attention off of tarquin, had stirred such mixed feelings of guilt simmering in his gut. disgust, for himself. the lingering effects of amarantha, sickening him & haunting his dreams, to the point of another sleepless night. to think he'd put feyre in the same position ... it's enough to drown out his jealousy, wishing that maybe she weren't acting with tarquin. he was good, honest. ( not a man who will stop at no cost, destroying everything he cares about in the process. )

" i heard what you told him. that he would be easy to fall in love with. so yes, i was jealous of him. " air sucks in between his teeth, whatever remnants of his mask crumbling apart. he lays himself bare, vulnerable in a way he's not sure he's ever been in front of anyone before. yet his voice is dry, composed, unable to convey just how painful this is. " because i will never be that sort of person ... for anyone. i was jealous because it will always be easy for him. he will never know what it's like to look up at the night sky and wish. "

“ i was focused on the job you sent me here to do. ” too focused. like the traitor i was, it was almost too easy to poor my entire energy into cozying up to tarquin, in order to gain access to his more private suites and confidential hard drive. despite the guilt that gnawed at me, knowing i was actively betraying someone who offered me unconditional generosity and compassion, it was a welcome distraction from rhys and the way he fawned over cresseida. i had to shut him out, or instead risk becoming sick with resentment for them both. if my performance was enough to get under his skin, then i had played my part too well.

“ and you’re jealous? ” i scoffed incredulously, bewilderment overwhelming me as i soaked in the realization — the accusation absurd as i considered it aloud, though it explicitly mirrored the envy and bitter desire that plagued my own healing heart. the ease in which he confessed was damning, as he laid his truth out bare for me. i had been foolish enough to fall for the mask he had regretfully adorned and petty enough to throw it back in his face — his entertaining of cresseida merely some means to an end in his grand scheme of things. some part of me wondered if that’s all i was too in the end, but this divulgence conveyed another story entirely. one i was eager to stoke despite a paralyzing fear of playing with fire. “ when all of this was your idea. you told me to do whatever it takes. ”

@feydarling : " you do not trick the ones you love. "

metal soaks tongue, blood smeared across palms. her words sting more than the bullet wound, leaving him longing for the peace that his heavy eyelids promise. she was never meant to find out this way. not now, not after last night. he was naive to think they'd have longer than just a morning of bliss, should have known: happiness is a fleeting thing in this life.

" feyre — " her name comes out in a shaky breath, mustering what's left of his energy to sit up. an action he quickly regrets. any reasoning is halted with a sharp inhale, head tilting back against the wall. he breathes through the pain, before his neck rolls to look at her. gaze filled with such panic, widened & all too alert. " how did you find out? "

" you saw the suriel. " the only one still alive who knows. any desire to scold her, for being so reckless — for seeking out someone so dangerous, quickly dies in his throat. the irony of doing so isn't lost on him. after all, is he any better? to keep her in the dark for so long, at this point, had been out of pure selfishness. ( because he didn't want her to look at him like that again. because she finally started to come back to life. because he couldn't stand the idea of losing her. )

" it was one of the first outings amarantha took me on. i was there, yes — but i didn't hurt him. " voice filled with only shame, he can hardly stand to look her in the eye. he still remembers her face, how she managed to somehow remain a steady rock for her father to lean on. the price he paid later on for refusing to harm a man in front of his own daughter. how he longed to pay them a visit that same day to give them enough money to disappear, but knew the cost of her finding out was much too great.

" i thought i recognized you when we first met. it's why i was trying to get you away from tamlin, away from all of this. but then you gave me a fake name, and i started to second guess myself. " jaw clenches, teeth grinding through the pain as he shifts, straightening his back. " by the time she asked me for your name, i had figured it out. i decided i couldn't do nothing again, so i gave her the fake name. to protect you. "

his eyes finally flicker to meet hers, chest tightening at the sight. the same girl he saw all those years ago. " i should have told you as soon as you decided to stay with us. perhaps before then. but i didn't want to risk you going back to him. i didn't want to risk losing you for good. " he moves his palm through his hair, slicking back stray strands from his face. gaze averts, falling onto motel carpet. " but i cannot ask you to stay. if you were to leave, i wouldn't blame you. i was foolish to think for a second that i might have deserved you. "

“ you do not get to ask questions, ” i quickly crossed the distance of the tiny motel room i had stashed him in, throwing the bag of first aid equipment at his feet. i ripped the soaked, makeshift bandage i had made him earlier out of a worn t-shirt off of him, anger and agony rippling off my shaky hands. my eyes wandered over his wound only briefly, satisfied to know he at least wasn’t about to bleed to death in front of me. while i seriously considered leaving him there to fend for himself, my fickle hands redressed him in swarms of gauze.

“ you knew? you were there? you were a part of it? ” the pain in my voice cracked, battling for dominance against the fury that registered through me. he hadn’t even tried to deny it. betrayal and shock pierced me deep in my core, as blood pounded in my ears. i stood over him, staring him down. he’d never appeared so weak or frightened before. i struggled to fight off the stifling urge to feel any more sympathy for him. “ when exactly were you planning on telling me? ”

i still remembered so much of it clearly — my sheer helplessness, the sound of my sisters crying in the other room, the crunch of bone as they broke my father’s leg, and his deafening scream, drowning out his tormentor’s sadistic laughter. to know that rhys was there and hadn’t told me. that he had known my father was a criminal, just as rhys was. just as i had become. after everything we had shared, after everything that could be, something in me cracked — hurting, like it hadn’t hurt in ages. “ give me one good reason why i shouldn’t leave you here for them to find right now. ”

time hasn't been on their side, a cruel reality rhysand has been trying to come to terms with. they will be separating from the others in the morning, it's been decided. the uncertainty of when they will all reunite again, or if they ever will, has loomed over him the entire evening. to finally have them back, just to be torn apart again ... he's done his best to conceal his concerns, to avoid them bleeding into the moment & ruin it for everyone else. but watching feyre, any of those worries get pushed into the back of his mind. bright, even amongst the streaks of celestial light. smiling, in a way that makes his heart sputter. he doesn't even pay any mind to the show in the sky, his unbroken gaze solely fixated onto her.

thank you: rhys wants to tell her the same, to thank her for breathing him back to life. for giving him something he has never had before, hope. but his words get stuck in his throat & all he can focus on is that smile. " ah. that's right, you did promise me a dance, didn't you? " a hand hesitantly reaches for her cheek, his touch gentle — timid. " but first ... smile again. "

@rhysie : ❝  you have to hold on to the little joys when you find them.  ❞

i could hardly rip my eyes away from his telescope, watching thousands of meteors shoot through the night sky. even without the assistance of his premium spyglass, the shower was dazzling — perhaps the most mesmerizing thing i’d ever seen, a perfect mosaic of crystalline jewels, sailing through an eternal sea of the deep unknown. the promise of infinite possibilities — something bigger than both of us, an incomprehensible string of fate. i knew i had to paint is as soon as i could. anything to capture this feeling of sparkling wonder and joy. to commemorate it with something that would outlast us both and the test of time. the smile that spread across my features was wide and bright and unfading — it was immediate and unhindered. free, just like i felt whenever rhys was near me. i tore my eyes away from the telescope, just to meet rhys’s gaze — those eyes, that somehow still rivaled the swirling depths of space and shined as bright as the shooting stars illuminating the world around us. “ thank you. ” my hand found his, but i never looked away — not even to admire the meteors again. “ what about that dance? ”

any lingering pain is long forgotten the moment he lays eyes on her, a flicker of hope igniting by the sheer fact she isn't already telling him to fuck off. he wants to continue, a desperate desire to beg, plead for feyre to love him as he loves her — all consuming, a fire set ablaze the moment they met. pride be damned. instead stilled with a beating heart, his chest raising & falling with each panicked breath, each second of silence weighing heavy between them as he awaits the inevitable.

relief hits him like a stack of bricks, knocking the wind right out of him, dizzying as she speaks. i don't want you to leave. for so long, he'd convinced himself that she would never feel the same, that he didn't deserve her even if she did. to hear those words, to see her look at him like this: like he's not something to run from ... he's grateful for the chair, sitting in it before his knees decide to buckle underneath him. " then what do you want, feyre? " he hesitates asking this time, a flicker of desperation burning into his gaze that can't quite meet hers. hopeful, for an answer that doesn't sting this time, for all of the confusion to finally end. he swallows, a brow quirking as he finally looks at her. " you would cook for me? do you even know how? "

@rhysie : “Say you do not care for me. Tell me you feel nothing and I will walk away.”

his eyes held mine, looking right through me with desperate determination. the same eyes that had haunted me from the moment we met — the same eyes i was too scared to paint, afraid once i started i wouldn’t be able to stop, lost in deep swirls of mysterious violet. i wasn’t the one who had been shot, but i didn’t know how i was still standing, how i could even breathe without falling to my knees. any anger or hurt — any desire to hate him had dissipated the second i opened the door and saw him there, gritting his teeth through the pain. i thought i didn’t want him to chase after me, but i knew that was only an excuse so i wouldn’t have to face the truth.

he’d saved me, in more ways than one — long before i even knew. he’d been there through it all — the night we lost everything, he was a victim of hybern and amarantha just as much as i was, perhaps even more so. he understood what i had endured more than anyone and he knew i was drowning before anyone else had, pulling me from the fire, ensuring i wouldn’t succumb to the darkness i had been so eager to bury myself beneath. he’d never walked away even when i had given him plenty of reason to. and i couldn’t let him now. not after everything. not when i couldn’t imagine another second of this life without him. “ i can’t. ” something in me settled, a deep resigned relief as i finally admitted what i must have always known. “ i can’t tell you that, because it would be a terrible lie and you would read right through it. i don’t want you to leave. ” i pulled out a chair. “ you should sit. you must be starving. ”

it's always the same pattern: humor, teasing, anything to mask the truth. it doesn't come so easily this time. any smart retort back is frozen with anxious anticipation, rhysand's focus zeroed in onto one thing. waiting, waiting, waiting. how many times has he asked her this? he's already expecting avoidance, some attempt to dance around the question yet again. and in truth, he could not blame her. for once, after fleeing from trap after trap, she has freedom. to think she may already know what she wants to do with it would only be setting him up for disappointment.

he carefully watches feyre as she moves around the kitchen. it must have been filled with dust when she arrived, now spotless besides the cans of paint that rest on the counter. it had been years since anyone stepped foot into this place, neglected when years were lost from him. he can remember the last time they were all here, the last time they spent a holiday together as a family. ( cassian drunkenly singing christmas carols as morrigan dances, amren complaining, azriel sneaking through the gifts. ) how something felt missing, even then. like he's been waiting for her all this time.

" no more secrets. " feyre's confessions unravel his own, as much as he wishes to linger on her words for longer. his truth is not so simple, an admittance of guilt, that could very well lead to her taking it all back. " we'll start where we left off, i suppose. that day, with your father ... i had just started working for amarantha. she was giving me tasks, to prove myself. how compliant i would actually be. everything up until then, i did. i put on a show for her, killed without even so much as flinching. and then she sent me to your house. that was the first time she trusted me on my own — with two other men, just in case. "

" however, it seemed simple enough. an older man, in debt for years, with no clear plan on paying it back. i was ordered to kill him, and then take everything he owned of value, if anything. i was surprised, compared to everything else ... it was straightforward. until — until i saw you. i quickly realized she knew he had daughters. she knew, and wanted them to watch. i couldn't do it. i refused. but, i had convinced the other two that he wasn't worth the time. he didn't have anything, anyways. i told them to just scare him, that a man like that wouldn't try anything again. so they did ... all i could remember was the look on your face. how terrified you were. "

" afterwards, i killed them to cover up my tracks. i told her that your father shot them, and that i finished the job. i knew she didn't believe me. she didn't say anything, but she made it clear later on. " a breath, he grimaces, arms crossing over his chest. " flashforward a couple years, i heard tamlin was throwing a party. i was bored, and admittedly drunk, so i thought i would have some fun myself and pay him a visit — but then i saw that same girl from years ago, with his arm wrapped around her. i thought my mind was playing tricks on me, that maybe i had finally gone mad from all of amarantha's torment. i waited until he left you alone to get a closer look, to ease my mind. but when we started talking, it didn't take long for me to confirm it. and even worse, that you had no idea just who tamlin really was. i wanted to ruin everything right then and there. i thought that i had to get you out of there as soon as possible, before you ended up in the same spot your father did. "

" but i was foolish. i hadn't realized amarantha was at the party, watching you with tamlin ... and then with me. she was jealous, and she wanted something to hold over tamlin's head. she asked me for information, and i knew the name you gave me wasn't yours. i never knew your full name, but i remembered it had to be archeron, so i told her what you gave me. clare beddor. i thought sending her on a wild goose chase would give me enough time to convince you to drop tamlin, leave the city and never come back again. " he flinches as he remembers. the screams induced from that one mistake, the smell of burnt flesh, the guilt he carries around to this day. " i had no idea she was a real person. i wouldn't have ... i would have never given her that name if i had known. she had her brought in, and when she saw it wasn't actually you, she was furious. she had her tortured, for days i could hear her screaming. and then — she finally got her hands on you. "

" i had no idea she was bringing you in. she did it all secretly, as if she knew i would try to stop it. and she was right. the second i saw you, i knew i would do anything to get you out alive. so i played my cards right, kept on her good side just so i could sneak you that gun. i was terrified. i knew you had never used one before, so when everything was happening ... i knew i would have to step in. when i picked up that knife, i didn't care what happened to me, as long as you made it. i thought i did it. i thought i saved you. but i was too slow, and she got to you so fast. by the time i could finally get back up, she shot you. i couldn't move. i didn't want to move, because i realized i didn't want to live in a world that you aren't in. if tamlin didn't step in, i would have let her end me there. but instead, i watched as he killed her, and then held you in his arms. tamlin, who did nothing the whole time, who sat by and watched as you were kept as a pet for days on end — " his voice breaks, tears freely streaking his cheeks.

" when they took you away, i thought you were dead. i was finally able to go see mor again, my family ... but i couldn't. i followed them to the hospital, and i sat there. i sat there for days. i paid off any staff members who tried to tell me to leave, and then i waited for any sign that you were okay. but to my surprise, tamlin told me. for the first time in days, i felt alive again. like i finally had a reason. he said i wasn't allowed to visit you, but i was planning on bursting through your room the moment he walked away. i didn't even know what i was going to say, i didn't even know if you wanted to see me — but a selfish part of me needed to see you. it didn't matter though. shortly after, i heard him propose. i heard you say yes. and i told myself that was all the closure i needed. i convinced myself that it was for the best. that if i let myself love you, that you would just be taken from me anyways. so i kept my distance. but i couldn't stop ... i couldn't stop being around you, and loving you, and wanting you. i still can't stay away. "

i bit back the flicker of a subtle smile, a natural reflex to the surprise and doubt in his tone — a reminder of how easy it was to slip back into frivolous and fluid banter with him. it was always an obvious defense mechanism for us both, allowing us to avoid delving deeper and acknowledging what remained unspoken. as if we knew each other inside and out, each trigger and quirk, and yet we still had so much to learn about one another. still so much to share and discover. i held up the microwave dinner i had pulled from the fridge just minutes before his arrival. “ i know how to use a microwave. ”

it would have been so easy to ignore his original question, just as i had plenty times before. but even as i turned my back to reheat the frozen dish, his words hung in the air between us. what do you want, feyre? months spent unknowing, running from the frayed inevitability, it had finally caught up with me. i could feel my entire body sigh with relieved surrender. “ i want to know everything. all of it. no more secrets, no more lies, no more games. ” i pulled his dinner from the microwave, placing it in front of him as i spoke, before sitting in the chair adjacent to him. the truth had to start with me. softly, i met his gaze — those eyes once again enough to upend me. “ i want to tell you how much i missed you. how you’re all i’ve thought about this week. how glad i am that you’re alright. how i can’t sleep without you. ”

@feydarling : i want all of you. every piece of you.

a day to devoted just to each other, a moment to live in ignorant bliss. there are no thoughts of what still lies ahead of them, their impending doom, how they may be torn apart before they’ve even begun. he only has time to think of her, how lucky he is for every minute he has with her — how if this is how he were to spend his final days, he would be grateful. every second of longing, of wishing, has lead him to this night. ( it has all been worth it. )

it ends in a starlit room, limbs tangled in ebony sheets, with a half empty bottle of wine. rhysand’s fingertips counting each beat of feyre’s heart, his chin tucked upon the crown of her head. to be wanted, to be loved … after showing her each side of him, even the worst ones. the ones that are casted in the shadows, that would send anyone else running. she sees it all, and does not falter. he hardly notices the lump in his throat, as he sits up to hover over her, lips pressed to her cheek. “ i'm all yours. ” a string of kisses trail down feyre’s throat, stopping at her collarbone. “ my heart, my soul … they are yours to keep. ”

time has never been on their side. every last second they have together feels fleeting, like at any moment they will be torn apart from each other once again. it's a trap. as soon as azriel found where hybern was keeping feyre's sisters, rhysand knew exactly what they'd be facing. he spent the night running through every possible outcome in his head, trying to think up any sort of plan, any advantages they might have. only to realize just how doomed their chances are.

his chest tightens, yearning for the will to stop the clock: to stay in this moment for just a little longer, to soak up a time where it is just them. a hand curls at the nape of her neck, his other arm snaking around feyre's waist to close the space. rhysand tilts his forehead down to connect with hers, eyelids fluttering shut. an inhale, savoring every note of her scent, the warmth of her presence, just to be brought down to earth with the cold reality of her words : no matter what happens. he cannot hide how he flinches, the way his lips curl downward as they press to the top of her head. a small nod. " whatever it takes. you have my word. "

@rhysie : ❛  no matter what it takes, i won't let anything happen to you.  ❜

i knew he meant it with every cell in his body and that he would uphold his promise if it was the last thing he ever did. he had already proved that time and time again, from the first moment he put a gun in my hands, risking everything he had to ensure i escaped amarantha’s clutches. he would do it again without hesitating. i didn’t bother voicing the silent question out loud. was i really worth it? how much more could either of us really stand to lose? i refused to let myself imagine for even a second what this life would be like without him. “ i know, ” my voice cracked as i nodded, my eyes boring into his as i clutched that perfect, beautiful face.

“ we go in together. ” it was terrible and reckless — i tried to be brave, to remain steady. the fury and guilt running through my blood was almost enough to trample out the fear. we were running head first into an obvious trap, but there was no other choice. no time to waste. i couldn’t wait another second knowing hybern had my sisters, my mind running wild trying not to think about the torment they were very likely being subjected to. i couldn’t save clare, but i would do everything i could to ensure my sisters wouldn’t endure the same fate. i wasn’t walking out of there without them and i knew rhys had to know that — the same way he couldn’t if it were any of his family in their place. not when they were there all because of me. “ we get them out. promise me. no matter what happens, we get them out. ”

he's a sea of darkness, parting the waves of unknowing dancers. a wolf among sheep, donned in an obsidian raven mask. any tattoos that would show through his suit have been completely concealed, after what felt like hours of morrigan tediously applying makeup. not without complaint, however — she spent the whole time letting him know what a terrible idea this was. perhaps she was right. to show up here was a death wish: surrounded by everyone that would kill him on the spot without second thought, had they known.

but as soon as he finds feyre, all of those concerns are a distant memory. the rest of the room disappears, the orchestra goes quiet, and there is only her. it takes all of his restraint to not take her in his arms, to indulge in this moment and treasure every inch of her flesh with his lips: each kiss a symbol of just how much she has entangled herself in his soul, and how desperately it aches in her absence. a night sky without any stars. yet there are eyes everywhere, and while he had a plan in motion to cause a distraction, he knew it wouldn't be enough to deter all of tamlin's men. “ what, you don't wish to see me? ” a hand raises to clutch his chest in mock hurt, lips curling into an innocent smile. “ oh, dear. i suppose he didn't have time to tell you ... tamlin left in quite the hurry. he may not return for a while. ” words are spoken with such casual ease, but his expression says the opposite. bright eyed and lovestruck, he takes in every freckle, the way her cheeks flush. he can feel his chest ache, his jaw tightening as his voice lowers. “ leave with me. ”

@rhysie : "Do you think me handsome?"

just harmless enough if anyone else were to overhear, the words were a whispered breath against my ear — a gentle purr, that still sent a chill down my spine. a perfect melody i’d been longing to hear for weeks. my chin tilting up and eyes widening, just slightly beneath the mask, were the only indication that i had been startled — i didn’t dare turn around too quickly and risk alerting anyone of his presence. there were too many eyes on us at any given time. it took everything in me not to fall to my knees just at the sound of his voice, to throw my arms around him and to sob — to beg him to carry me out of this lion’s den and take me home. but i couldn’t. not yet, not now, not here.

the orchestra raged on as dancers swerved around us, a beautiful swirl of vibrant colors and extravagant masks that did well to conceal the infectious hideousness that lurked beneath. any relief and longing that swept through me was quickly overwhelmed by terror. the debilitating fear of knowing what they would do if they found him here. mixed with the knee buckling realization that he still thought i was worth the risk… “ i think you’re very bold. ” my voice softened, a hushed murmur behind a folded fan, “ you can’t be here. ”