Am I Actually Jirai - Tumblr Posts

3 months ago

ok WHAT do i classify myself as because i don’t wanna be like a poser or anything…

i use jirai tags bc the jirai community brings me comfort and i relate a lot to jirai blogs here

but i feel like im faking it because im not “mentally ill” enough ??

same thing w like the yandere community, a lot of my posts here r related to my crush and im very much obsessed with him, but i don’t do much action, i just kinda suffer from overthinking and analyzing every single interaction he has with other ppl yk

IDK WHAT TO DO !!! for now im just gonna say im in the jirai community… ill do some more research as well ^_^ if anyone has some advice i’d love to hear!!! <3


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3 months ago

long ass vent sorry

🌷🌷🌷

i just want someone to love me for me, for all my faults. i know im too online. i know i have no sense of self. i know i people please too much to the point where i offend people. i know there’s something wrong with me .

sometimes i wonder if my thoughts are too much. like what if i’m too ““bad”” of a person to belong in a community… like there’s always lines that can be crossed and im so afraid i’ll cross a line. i don’t want to be alone. i want someone to always be here for me and help me grow. but that won’t happen for a long time probably.

i don’t know who i can even go to, like no one knows abt this blog or who i “really am”. and i don’t want to be vulnerable with people… but how am i supposed to get help if i don’t want it??

sorry that last sentence makes no sense but im just SO conflicted right now… i want to be normal but at the same time i love being sick.. the jirai community is the first place where i felt like i rlly belong and now i feel out of place and disgusted with myself (NOT a blow to the jirai community ily guys ur all amazing)

anyways yeah sorry im rlly sad and angry with myself

i feel like i can’t help anyone and if i can’t help anyone whats my purpose in life? ik im young but if i can’t help anyone might as well destroy myself

ik i’ll eventually HAVE to get better because i do want to , i want to have children one day and i want to give them the most happy beautiful life

so that adds more onto me feeling fake like am i “valid” for wanting to stay sick while im young and i won’t be held *that* accountable??? am i just selfish

maybe i am just selfish

okay i think im done

i love you all so much


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