Long Ass Rant - Tumblr Posts

long ass vent sorry

🌷🌷🌷

i just want someone to love me for me, for all my faults. i know im too online. i know i have no sense of self. i know i people please too much to the point where i offend people. i know there’s something wrong with me .

sometimes i wonder if my thoughts are too much. like what if i’m too ““bad”” of a person to belong in a community… like there’s always lines that can be crossed and im so afraid i’ll cross a line. i don’t want to be alone. i want someone to always be here for me and help me grow. but that won’t happen for a long time probably.

i don’t know who i can even go to, like no one knows abt this blog or who i “really am”. and i don’t want to be vulnerable with people… but how am i supposed to get help if i don’t want it??

sorry that last sentence makes no sense but im just SO conflicted right now… i want to be normal but at the same time i love being sick.. the jirai community is the first place where i felt like i rlly belong and now i feel out of place and disgusted with myself (NOT a blow to the jirai community ily guys ur all amazing)

anyways yeah sorry im rlly sad and angry with myself

i feel like i can’t help anyone and if i can’t help anyone whats my purpose in life? ik im young but if i can’t help anyone might as well destroy myself

ik i’ll eventually HAVE to get better because i do want to , i want to have children one day and i want to give them the most happy beautiful life

so that adds more onto me feeling fake like am i “valid” for wanting to stay sick while im young and i won’t be held *that* accountable??? am i just selfish

maybe i am just selfish

okay i think im done

i love you all so much

LONG ass paragraph/essay of me yapping about how the people who ruined me + how I'm gonna treat myself better bc I've realized I'm better than every1 else, btw U should think UR better than everyone else (no it's not narcissistic, if anything it should be normalized). and stuff like that and yeaaa :3

SECTION 1 I'm gonna start pushing everyone I once was close to away from me, my mind and just my life. I'm gonna start to let go and pretend like we were nothing more than friends. It hurts when I think back on all our memories, but it was nice while it lasted, right? I'm gonna start living for myself. If I meet someone I'm not gonna plan ahead with them what we should do (unless THEY wanna) and I'm gonna meet new people/friends who are like me and who'll accept me for who I am and not make terrible (problematic) jokes. Even then, I'm not gonna get attached or get close to anyone. I'll always feel the void of that person who left me, and it'll hurt, but it's whatever. It does hurt, thinking about how we planned to grow up together n live across from eachother n shi, and it does hurt knowing all those years were wasted, and it does hurt knowing I'll never be that close to anyone again, and if I am I'll still be thinking of you. It hurts knowing how bad they ruined me. But it gets better thinking about how I'll meet people who'll treat me better. Maybe not make better memories, but treat me better. I'll always have a place in my mind for the 4 of the guys who I got close to and they literally ruined me and altered a part of my thinking. But I'll live on. I'll live on for myself this time. And I will think about them everyday, lingering in the back of my mind, but I'll act like I'm not. and I'll try to block and push away the hurt. I'll always treasure them more than anyone else. secretly. But I'll always hate them more than anyone else, publicly. I'm gonna be a new person. It's a new start with new people and I'm gonna try and do it better. I'll start keeping track of my feelings and instead of trauma dumping to people I know I'll start writing down how I feel. (or venting to tumblr because like hey tumblrs free therapy) SECTION 2 for awhile I've been putting my trust in people and getting close to them. and every time they end our 'friendship' they take away a piece of my feelings or some shit. Every time it happens it hurts for a less amount of time and I hate it. it's weird and I wanna continue to weep over it but I just can't. I just tell myself, 'oh well, it was nice while it lasted.' and I think that's just me letting everything go. I don't really care if anyone am/was close to leaves me in some sort of way. I just brush it off and pretend we were never close. I feel like it's some sort of way to cope. That or I'm used to it by now. Which is weird, because I shouldn't feel like this when my favorite person ever just dropped me. Shouldn't I be crying? screaming in pain or betrayal? no. Instead I'm just detached from reality, sitting and staring at whatever's in front of me, robbed of my feelings and perspective of what's real or not. It's so crazy. What do you mean we're never gonna do all that shit? What do you mean I can't just look at an airplane anymore and think 'I'm gonna be in those to meet up w/ him one day.'? It's so weird. It's like I hate and love(platonically) everyone who I've gotten close to. I can't let go but I can. I don't understand any of this.