Cdd Dormancy - Tumblr Posts
Hi, everyone, I'm Erwin (he/him). I'm a DID alter who was dormant for maybe 8 years? So this is my own little blog, where I can talk about the struggles of being an alter gaining consciousness after being inactive for almost a decade and how weird age and time is for me
Life was very different for us when I split off and when I went dormant, so I feel like a fish out of water right now. It is as if I am much different from the rest of the system, who seem to have so much in common, so now I'm trying to figure out where I fit into this group of people
I have a hard time putting my feelings into words right now, but I hope to explain how it feels to be me as I learn and grow, so that's partly what this blog is for
I feel like I need to introduce myself better, but that might be another post. This one is already a mess 😅
Age is very weird when you got a complex dissociative disorder
I am physically 28, but internally, I see myself as a man in my late 30s, but also I formed as an alter when we were 18 or so and then I went dormant for most of our 20s, so even though I identify as older than the rest, I almost feel like I'm the youngest. I feel awkward and insecure like I was when I stumbled through the last part of high school as a misdiagnosed neurodivergent person who was bullied and mocked for "being weird". I feel like a teenage girl even if I internally see myself as a man nearing 40. I was formed by the brain of a high schooler and since I went dormant for almost a decade, I kinda didn't mature in many ways. It's especially weird being an introject and feeling this special type of shame around not being as capable as your source. I am not some strong man, who can handle intense stress. I'm essentially a traumatised child playing pretend. I'm holding on to so much shame and guilt for being such a poor excuse of an adult person. I feel so anxious and wrong for just existing - just like I, or we, did back when I split off
I'm still trying to get used to our current life as a 28 year old living alone away from our abusers, and hopefully I will feel more mature as I process my trauma and forgive my past self. But as of now, I am basically a 38 year old man in a 28 year old body with the mind of an 18 year old neurodivergent girl from 2014