Comphet - Tumblr Posts
Am I bisexual or do u have a bad case of comphet?
(This weeks question)
maybe it's evil mean lesbian of me but comphet TO ME is a lesbian experience only, if you feel atracted to men it doesn't apply to you, heteronormativity is right there and you can use it but one day i will expand on that
as someone who thought they were bi for a very long time but identifies as lesbian now. sexuality as action not identity is very useful to frame my life personally even if it fails politically.
Compulsory Heterosexuality Info Dump
So because a friend of mine didn't know what comp het was and their internet history is monitored by their parents so they can't just use google, I'm doing a very quick research dive and giving you guys the results in case there are others out there who are in the same situation. I'll also be tagging blogs bigger than me because again, there might be fellow queers out their who are in the same boat as my friend and I want them to have access to this information.
So what is compulsory heterosexuality (or comp het)?
Comp het is in essence the societal belief and enforcement of being straight.
What does this mean?
In basic form it means that the only options presented to everyone, from the moment of birth, is that of a cis, amatonormative, heterosexual lifestyle.
You are given two gender options, these gender options determine the two roles you're allowed to fulfill, husband and wife, and you are told that these two roles are what will make you happy and are what you are supposed to strive for.
Meaning society, if you are born AFAB, tells you you're going to one day get married, it's going to be a boy, and this is what will make you happy. Almost everything in life is then seen through this lens. How attractive your are, how you are supposed to talk, how you're supposed to behave, etc is all considered through the lens of if a man will be attracted to you.
On the flip side, if you are born AMAB society tells you there are roles you have to fulfill as well. You are told you will one day want a wife, that you have to be able to have a job to provide for her, that you have to behave in a certain emotional way to be strong for her, that if the things you like are too feminine well then you're gay or a girl which is a problem because at the end of the day you're supposed to want the girl-fiance-wife.
This literally just sounds like the patriarchy.
Yes, it does, because it's caused by it. Nowadays people commonly know about compulsory heterosexuality from the Lesbian Masterdoc, but the term actually originated by Adrienne Rich in 1980.
Adrienne Rich in her article Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence put forward three ideas, 1) that heterosexuality and lesbianism were institutions themselves/possible political ideologies, 2) that heterosexuality as a system if not constantly maintained and upheld would eventually crumble and 3) that heterosexuality as a system could be opted out of and actively fought against whether or not you were actually attracted to women/non-women.
This is very different from the way we currently think of and define those terms, I am aware of that, but her point does still stand to some degrees that comp het, cisnormativity and amatonormativity all crumble when we stop rigidly enforcing the structures that uphold them, i.e., the patriarchy, misogyny, classism, and racism.
Ok but like what does that actually look like?
It can look like a lot of things, for a lot of different people. In the Lesbian Masterdoc you see comp het presented from a straightforward lesbian lens (of a 19 year old figuring out and defining their own sexuality guys, I'm not gonna sit here and critique it and rip it to death, go do that somewhere else).
This is therefore presented through things like women/non-women who were raised/socialized as women possibly having crushes on men, but they're always unattainable in some way (celebrities, fictional, someone real but they wouldn't actually ever be able to truly be in a relationship with, etc). It might also show up for lesbians as liking the idea of a man but being uncomfortable when one actually wants to move forward in the process. Or even sometimes it might show up as sexual fantasies with men but they're faceless, they're more an idea, or you're actually viewing another woman sleeping with him.
This presentation of comp het has made a lot of bi/pan/mspec people uncomfortable because they feel they too have experiencing comp het and when reading the Lesbian Masterdoc it's presented as if experiencing this is a straight shot towards being a lesbian.
And they're right that comp het isn't experienced by just lesbians. For mspecs who present feminine/as women this could be in the feeling that they have to dress a certain way to be presentable, but presentable is based on appealing to men. This can mean something as simple as women are expected to wear makeup, always, regardless of if they're looking to seek men's attention or not, because that's the base standard.
For mspecs who present masculine this can look like the inability to express themselves in an overly emotional manner because that doesn't make them "strong" and if they're not "strong" then they won't attract women, and that's what they're supposed to be doing.
For mspecs in general that can look like their queer looking relationships to be seen as a phase even if their mspec-ness is respected because of course they're eventually going to get married to a man/woman.
This can affect polyamorous cishet people in that they're seen as doing heterosexuality wrong because you're supposed to have the one partner and the 2.5 kids.
This can affect aspecs because they're told they'll never truly feel fulfilled if they don't have that boyfriend/girlfriend/partner to love them in a way that's so special nothing else could match up.
This affects all of us guys is my point.
How is this helpful to me?
Well for sapphics and lesbians (or sapphics/mspecs confused on if they are actually lesbians) this can be a helpful concept to consider because it can help you determine what relationships you truly want to pursue, which is the main point I feel is to be gained from the Lesbian Masterdoc. As she's put it "it's way more important to ask yourself if you can be truthfully happy with a man than if you’re attracted to them"
So if you're a sapphic who experiences attraction to men but you honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider the idea of comp het.
If you're Achillean the opposite of this can be true, if you've been attracted to women before but honestly can't ever see yourself willingly entering into a relationship with them, consider whether comp het is working on you.
For mspecs this can be a helpful term to throw over the table back at your parents when they ask when you're going to get a "real relationship".
This can be a helpful term to consider when asking "am I forcing myself to wear mascara because I feel this is the only way I look presentable or do I actually like mascara."
Or it can be a helpful concept to look back on when undermining our internalized ideals of misogyny, towards ourselves and others.
This is a helpful term to put in our tool boxes to talk about the harm the systems of patriarchy, classism, and racism impose upon us.
Comp het can help us to understand why so many people look down on polyamory as a legitimate way of life.
It can be a helpful term for aspecs who are trying to figure out if they really want to date/have sex, or if they just believe these are the only things that will make you happy.
In general
Compulsory heterosexuality is just another term to describe a system we are all intimately familiar with. But by giving us the words to describe our experiences, it gives us the power to communicate those experiences more effectively, and to possibly understand why we're experiencing them.
This is just a bare basic knowledge post.
Honestly if you have the ability to, as in your internet history is not monitored in the way my friend's is, I encourage you to go on the deep dive through the sources listed below. Many of them are honestly only 30 pages long, that's a relatively short read, and understanding queer theory like this not only helps you to understand your own identity, but the ways in which you are connected to the rest of the fellow queer community.
Sources
Lesbian Masterdoc
Queer Theory 101: Compulsory Heterosexuality
Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence
Normativities Defined
Taglist
I'm tagging blogs bigger than me so that this has an easier time getting passed around as I mainly talk about aspec issues because I am aspec, but as stated above, I wanted to make sure that queer people who's internet histories are monitored and are only able to find information through tumblr safely could do so.
@our-queer-experience @our-sapphic-experience @our-lesbian-experience @our-aspec-experience @our-polyamorous-experience @our-pansexual-experience @our-unlabelled-experience @our-aroace-experience @our-mspec-experience @our-questioning-experience @our-bisexual-experience
Fellow lesbians are y’all struggling with comphet, too?
Taking screenshots of hot girls I found on instagram doesn’t make me gay, does it? 😩
i don’t know where i remember reading this, but the words “my daddy issues is what keeps me from being a full lesbian” makes a bit too much sense…
because on the day to day, i’m only ever thinking of women romantically. but!
something about an older man with kink education, a soft voice, and touch to match? wires are getting crossed in my head and suddenly i’m questioning if maybe there is an odd and tainted exception…
me: *emotionally shut off to men because they always take advantage of my naivety*
also me: *has a corruption/grooming kink*
high gay thoughts
damn, ever have a friend that you had a crush on in highschool but lost contact with and met back up with in college again. Forgot why you had a crush on her because you had to re open up to her, and found yourself like re falling in…idk? enchangment with her??
all she did was make me a parfait, but I swear it’s the best i’ve ever had and she looked the most at peace as i’ve seen her?
damn, i’m like definitely getting those gay ass feelings. ok, maybe i’m seeing this with a tint of delulu but i will definitely not be keeping this confession up.
- this gay ass feeling i’m describing is attraction. it’s the heaviness in the bottom of your chest cavity from the anxiety, the fullness of the affection, then the airness of the curiosity/desire—that settled on my chest…thick.
OMG BYLER IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS IM LOSING MY SHIT-
in the fight between lucas and mike, lucas says (AND I QUOTE;) “you’re blind! blind because you like that a girl is not grossed out by you!” NOT “you’re blind because you [LIKE A GIRL]”
THIS IS COMPHET AT ITS FINEST?!?!
even lucas (icon) can see it so clearly.
mike does not like el, he likes to be liked, to be wanted, needed. but there are no actual feeling for her, just the attention he gets is rewarding in his eyes and he interprets it as love or attraction (like how he’s been taught by the heteronormative society in the 80’s).
Guys when I say I’m literally Jackie I mean it literally🗣️ like I’ve never had a character where she’s so similar to me before her. The only difference is that I don’t look like her and my friend never pulled a Shauna, but our exs are even named the same… Jeff😭 AND I had a homoerotic codependent relationship with one of my friends too I fear😔(I didn’t die tho! It did ruin me tho)
y’all my early childhood best friend who i was in love with (and didn’t fucking know it, thank you comp het) wants to meet with me WHAT DO I DO SHES HOMOPHOBIC 😬
when good luck babe starts playing and it feels like a personal attack
when good luck babe starts playing and it feels like a personal attack
Like yes i try convince myself i like boys. yes im nothing more then his wife. Yes you told me so. Yeah id have to stop the world to stop the feeling :(
when good luck babe starts playing and it feels like a personal attack
++ people who didnt grow up in religious enviroment where you were literally pressured into heterosexuality and if you weren't then you were disgusting 🤷♀️
If you were not a gay person who grew up in the 80s/90s or earlier and has lived experience of comphet I really don’t think you can argue that it doesn’t exist. Like we’re literal living proof. You have no idea. I’ve no idea why all these people who are 20 are trying to deny the existence of gay history