Diabolik Lovers Crack Fic - Tumblr Posts

hey son,

you know ily.

anyways can you do

diabolik lovers reiji sakamaki x nonbinary reader?

plot :

reiji is chilling in his private living room from the rest of his brothers and enjoying some alone time with his tea.

but something is weird and smelly about his tea. he starts yelling at his brothers who touched his tea but no one seems to care and to have touched his tea either.

reiji feels betrayed. he starts tearing up and going to the roof from his school the next day.

ruki comes in and calls him pathetic at that moment reader hears this and starts attacking ruki and throwing some hands.

reiji looks at them in awe. reader belated ruki and he gets up quickly and sees that his suit is gone. he is naked but doesn't feel in any way shame.

ruki left.

reader goes to reiji and pats his head. reiji smiles at us, the stranger who is also a student from the school.

reader starts slowly smiling back but like a creep and says "i touched your tea yesterday and i have stalked you for a long while. I know what you are and where you live. let's get married and drink your love poisoned tea next time".

reiji doesn't know what to say at what she just confessed and falls from the roof and starts panickly running.

THE END

---

Hey mom owo

Ilyt

I was just about to go to sleep, but then it started thundering outside and I'm so fcking scared of thunder storms so----AHH- I made it more cracky than I originally planned to make myself laugh xkxkfkf

Diabolik Lovers_Masterlist

TW: This is a crack fic, "adult jokes"?

Reiji Sakamaki x gn! reader

How to confess; for dummies

What did Reiji do to deserve this? Just a few minutes ago, he sat comfortably in his armchair, his favorite book "How to have sex; for dummies" in hand.

He didn't have to play mom for his brothers for that day, so he decided to not let the opportunity to relax go to waste.

He already had his hair curlers in his hair and wore his long nightgown and pink, plush crocs as he reached for his tea. Only to smell that something was off about it. It smelled weird.

Reiji scoffed loudly, "Herr Gott nochmal! Diese Burschen!*"

(*A very old-school German way to say: "God damnit! These guys!" I just found it funny kfkfkf & he speaks German fluently so-)

The black-haired gracefully waddled into the living room were all of his brothers, conveniently, played uno together.

"Fullhouse!", Ayato yelled as he layed down his cards, making the others moan in defeat. Reiji gasped at this, pulled his spatula out of his pants and walked over to the group.

"NO YELLING!!", Reiji hit Shu right across the face. Shu fainted. Or pretended to faint. No one knows.

Subaru slammed his hands on the table, making it break in the process before pulling out an uno reversed card. Everyone in the room gasped, everyone, except Reiji, getting all riled up. The albino refused to use Reiji's spatula, so he used Kanato instead. He smacked his older brother with his younger older brother in the face.

Ayato, Laito and Teddy cheered Subaru on, but Subaru carefully laid Kanato on the floor, saying, "No. No more. I already paid him back."

Reiji was full on crying by then, face red from being slapped with Kanato. The vampire wiped his tears away, "Which one of you touched my tea!?"

"Huh? What are you talking about Bitch-niisan?", Laito asked as he dealt the uno cards for the next round on the broken table. Everyone went back to their previous places, ready to win the privilege of the last pizza slice.

Reiji tried to scoff and ask again, but what came out was a whine as he stamped his foot and ran away.

"They don't even care!", he yelled in his pillow and then cried himself to sleep.

A few hours later, the black-haired found himself ontop of the roof of his school. He didn't want anyone to see how miserable he looked like. How defeated he was.

Ruki opened the door to the roof and took a few steps forward, making Reiji turn around slightly at the sound.

The half blood stared into Reiji's pink eyes for solid 4.44 seconds, and proceeded to hit the most gorgeous whip, ever whipped, "Pathetic.", he says. The pigeon tried his best to hold back his tears, but it was hard.

Suddenly, a figure appeared behind Ruki, kicking him in the balls, "You forgot to 'nae nae', you faker!", they screeched at him.

The pink-eyed watched the stranger punching the Mukami so hard he lost all of his clothes. They were just gone. Ruki stared at the (Y/HC)-haired, terrified. He quickly stood up and dusted off his naked body before leaving the rooftop, without speaking another word.

Reiji was left there, awestruck, as (Y/N) was approaching him with a skip in their step. They slowly raised their hand and petted him on the head.

A large smile spread across Reiji's face. There was still someone who cared for him!

(Y/N)'s expressionless stare turned slowly into a smile as well, that kind of smile only our yandere waifus can pull off. "I was the one who messed with your tea.", they admitted, turning Reiji into the shocked pikachu meme.

(Y/N) ignored his face as they continued, "I openly stalked you for a while. I know everything about you. What you are. Where you live...", their gaze drifted to Reiji's crotch. Reiji took in a sharp breath, "...what color your underwear is. Hm? What were you thinking? Ah, yes I know that too."

They pinched the vampire's cheek, "Anyways, let's marry and drink your love poisoned tea together."

You could see sparks and smoke coming from the black-haired's head, shocked from that proposal, while (Y/N) smiled at him expectantly. Suddenly, Reiji's legs gave in under him and he fell from the roof.

Now with torn clothes and scratches all over his skin, he ran away.

In the end, he found a boar and meerkat in a pretty cool forest where he lived until...he woke up from his dream.

He quickly sat up, his skin covered in sweat and his breath heavy.

"Good morning, bby boi~"

Reiji slowly turned his head to the side where (Y/N) laid, smiling at him like they did when they first met.

Wtf did I just write