Feeling Empty And Alone - Tumblr Posts

Trans girl problems

Or something.

I think a lot about my name, even after all these years. Esme is my more or less preferred name these days, even though I'm still juggling one or two others, and my birth name is still in use out of necessity in a few places.

But Esme still doesn't feel "right" and I stare at the ceiling a lot wondering, is it the wrong name? Is it ME or is it just a persona I'm trying to wrap myself in? Is there a "fake it til I make it" situation here? Am I just not used to it?

I know I don't need to be "Esme Frost" to be AN Esme, I squared that circle a long time ago, and am my own Esme, but there are still times where using the name feels like such a fraud.

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to force Esme to happen, even if I don't have a good reason why. But I do like pairing it with my real surname, because it is a pairing that is *aggressively* French.

And I will probably need a whole separate post to ramble about how I am still using my birth name on my podcast, because I have yet to be comfortable enough calling myself by any of my girlnames.