Fighting Depression - Tumblr Posts

This is one I made recently) To be honest with you I'm feeling much better, I've never felt so alive. I'm able to smile and laugh with you, And my feelings are finally something I can explain. Yet there are still days when I feel like nothing ever changed... Days where I beg the universe to erase me. I know that those thoughts may never go away. I know there will always be days when my emptiness will consume me, to the point that I'm not sure I can feel anything but sorrow and loneliness; Days where it feels easier to drown than swim up. But I also know that there will be days that I feel like I can do anything. Days that make the empty, void like days seem so far away. When those days come it feels like I'll never touch down from the joyride that is life, The twists and turns, it's ups and downs. The parts that make your stomach drop and the ones that make you feel like you're touching the sky. I am still a long ways away from the full recovery that the future holds... I know that this road is long and hard and can seem endless and futile. But I know that with those who love and support me I will make it. For me, the best part of this whole recovery has been the moment I realized... That I finally believe it is achievable

Thank you

Thank you so much! 💚💚T////T💚💚

It made me feel much better!💚💚^////^💚💚

*happy Acid noises*

Ahem-

I wanted to write about this for quite a while, but every time there was something stopping me..

⚠️Warnings!!!⚠️

•This post is not connected with the theme of this blog, just a rambling of mine

• an angsty post with a mention of suicide

Sometimes I try to get rid of dark and disgusting emotions by the help of any kind of art and it usually goes in 3 stages.

1 stage:

For example writing a poem of how I hate something right now or drawing a doodle/art with a character who has a tragic backstory. Crying....a lot and questioning my life choices and a purpose of existence. Then hiding these poems and art somewhere in my room.

2 stage:

Forgetting about the place I hid it in and what exactly has been created. Focusing on the life and schoolwork.

3 stage:

Suddenly finding these "pieces of art" during general cleaning and taking a moment to think. Then crying happily and thanking my past self for not doing a freakin suicide.

『I do not regret living

I am more or less happy with myself』

Then it goes all over again, sometimes methods and stages change but the result is one...I continue on living

But...there is always this but....however....an exception out of the rules I've been used to for so long,

this tiny dark thought that appeared

I've made this video during these two weeks because of once again falling into this abyss...and I really thought that this feeling would just go away...

sometime.... like it always did

this time I couldn't stop on just 3 stages thing.

No, it was harder than I expected

At first I couldn't even recognize the depression, cause

『aight, I am just exhausted, sleep will help』

It didn't

The situation escalated quickly

The thoughts became darker than usual

『Why am I acting so awkward?

Can they hear me? I want to tell them- no, not now

Speak normally, f* concentrate!

They are my friends ...well...classmates.am I allowed to talk to them? I'll definitely disturb them...it is better to stop the social interaction....I don't want to ruin somebody's day

They won't see the real me if I keep wearing the mask

I want to cry

Focus

Fell asleep during the lesson

Focus

My grades are lower than usual

Focus

I need a place to cry, maybe behind the coats?

Is there a reason to live? to exist?

Why am I trying to cut myself if these scratches are not deeper than a cat's?

Is it better to jump? hang? or poison?

Wait stop-

Not now.....I need to stop... freakin slow down

Life is wonderful even if it's a lie

I can't stop crying

I am not fine

I want to disappear』

These are not even a half of what I went on thinking about.

The constant pressure and failed attempts to focuse made me just look like a tired lad, nothing more, not even a suicidal shadow made it up to my face. Every single thought was trapped inside, deep down, until I was home...where I really could cry without looking suspicious

『Oh! I-I've just watched a series with a dramatic end, that's why I'm crying』

Excuses and more excuses each day

Then I've finally decided to countdown the days from 15th to 21st of March.

Only 6 days and only 2 variants.

I'll end my life...No matter how, I'll do it!

Or

Continue on living...happily

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

After 6 days of deciding

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Today was the 21st of March and I'm still alive

I've realized a few things:

•I want to live

•I want to talk to people

• why did I even hesitate whether they see me as a friend or not? Of course we are friends.

•I don't want to burden my family with more troubles

•I don't want to become a cheater that could just escape this life without living it

That's what I chose after being depressed for about two weeks.

We must never give up!

💚💚💚💚