Gun X Tinn - Tumblr Posts

jealousy is a disease (and gun is terminally ill)

the problem with having a handsome, charming, painfully oblivious boyfriend: he will never notice if someone is flirting with him.

OR

kajorn has a crush on tinn. gun notices, tinn doesn't.

It wasn't over for me ~ TinnGun Story

Summary:

Gun and Tinn’s relationship was the topic everyone talked about by the end of their senior year and the years that followed too. They were too young, too naive, too in love to last, everyone was sure they were going to break apart at some point. But it didn’t happen, or at least not when it was expected.

They did break apart, but it took more time than people bet on.

Or,

Where they break up after years of relationship and are unable to move on.

Pairings: TinnGun | TiwPor | SoundWin (Slight mention of the last two pairs)

Status:  Ongoing - Chapters (9/?)

Words: 36,613

Tags: Canon Divergence, Break Up, Post-Break Up, Years Later, Aged-Up Character(s), Mutual Pining, Doctor Tinn, Singer Gun, Supportive parents, They'll be fine they just need a lil bit of help (aka Tiw).

Read in AO3 or the chapters below.

Chapter 1: Back at home

Leaving Thailand was one of the hardest things Tinn has done. It wasn't just leaving behind his home, his family, and his friends, it was leaving his whole life behind him, but above all of that, it meant leaving the one he knew was the love of his life. 

Seven years ago, one of Tinn's biggest dreams had come true. Before his senior year of high school was over, he had gotten a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend. No. This was the most adorable boy in high school, the boy of his dreams, quite literally.

He has been dreaming and crushing on Gun for two long years before they’ve gotten together. At times it was difficult for Tinn to believe the boy was actually his boyfriend.

Gun and Tinn's relationship was the topic everyone talked about by the end of their senior year and the years that followed too. It seemed like the young couple always was a great topic to gossip about for those surrounding them. Always commenting about every new step they took, either praising them or criticizing them, with no in-between. With all this much attention upon them, it was kinda expected from the couple to at some point break apart. People were even betting on when this was going to happen. They were too young, too naive, too in love to last, everyone was sure they were going to break apart at some point. But it didn't happen, or at least not when it was expected. 

They did break apart, but it took more time than people bet on. 

I will always wait for you. It doesn't matter if it's two years, five years, or even my entire life if necessary. I’ll always be here waiting for you.

Nothing will stop us now… We will always remain wholesome.

Whose boyfriend is this? Why is he so cute?

Tinn wakes up abruptly. He was dreaming again. Or must he says, he was remembering, again. 

Whose boyfriend is this…?  

“Sure, not yours. Not anymore…”, he reminds himself bitterly. 

Two years after his break-up with Gun and he's still remembering, still daydreaming just like he did so many years ago. People would say he’s stuck in time, unable to move on and he won’t deny that he kinda is. But it wasn't completely his fault and his recent dream seems to want to remind him of that. He had promised that he would wait for him all his life if necessary. And that was exactly what his heart was doing, waiting, even when it was pointless. 

“There is no us anymore. It's time to move on and let go…” he whispers to himself as if he was trying to convince himself first, with not much success, he's still lying down on his bed, unable even to get up. 

After ten long minutes of staring at the same point in the ceiling. Tinn is finally able to get out of bed and prepare for the busy day ahead. Once he was over with his morning shower he checks his phone, finding as always a missing call from his mother and a text from his best friend. On his way out of his house, he decides to just answer the message and return the call to his mother later. Or he'll probably just give them the surprise later, he still hasn't decided yet. 

Tinn does not mind accepting the fact that he had left Thailand because he was running away from the pain that it meant his break-up with Gun. Feeling devastated, heartbroken and impulsive, leaving was his only choice. It was the only way he found to cope with the awful pain his heart went through. And even after almost three years apart, he wasn’t sure if he had completely healed. 

When he was given the opportunity to go back to Thailand after almost three years of living in America, it shook his entire world. He did not know what to say, how to react. His parents on the other hand were delighted with the news when he told them about it and begged him to come back. They haven't seen each other much these last few years. Tinn's studies are time-consuming in the extreme and until now he has no intention of returning to his country. He, in fact, was about to turn down the offer to complete his medical residency back in Thailand when his best friend Tiw called him.

Tiw's call was what made him make the final decision to take the opportunity and return to his country. It was not until his best friend assured him that his singer ex-boyfriend was out of the country touring that Tinn finally took his decision. 

Yes, he was being a coward. But Tinn has never been the type of person who can face his feelings and fears easily. And these few years haven't made much difference to him. In fact, he's become a bit more reserved and strict. Something he was sure Gun would have scoffed at...

There he was again, thinking about him. 

He hasn't even taken the plane back to Thailand yet and his ex was taking over his mind once again. 

Letting out a long sigh, Tinn enters the boarding line for the plane that will take him back home. 

***

Gun has been extremely tired lately. So tired that he was seriously thinking of taking a rest from his career, the entertainment industry can be very exhausting at times. And if he got to be honest, recently he’s been struggling to find his motivation back again, every day that passes he feels like he lose his passion little by little, nothing has been the same since two years ago, after breaking up his one and only relationship Gun feels demotivated, completely drained of all his energy. 

It's in the middle of his daily crisis that his phone rings with the call of one of his best friends.

“Ai'Por…” he exclaims with a tired voice. “I think I wanna quit…”

“WHAT?!” his friend scream on the other side of the line. 

“Oi! Don't scream! I haven't taken a decision yet, I'm just… so tired”.

“But Gun this is your dream. It's what you love doing… you can't just give up on it!”

“I know, it's just… I'm tired, so freaking tired and demotivated, I don't know what to do Por”

There's a pause and Gun can hear muffled noises on the other side of the call, as if Por were talking to someone, probably his boyfriend. 

“Okay, what if you just take a break, huh?” Por propose excited. 

“I was thinking the same, but I don't know if I have the time. You know how dense P'Ae can be, I don't think he would like the idea.”

“Don't worry about that. If you want to do it just say yes, and I'll take care of it.” Por adds in his most lawyer-like voice. “Besides, It's almost that time of the year. Don’t think I don't know this is a big part of the reason why you're feeling like that”.

Gun just groans and rolls on the bed to the other side, not wanting to agree his friend was right. 

“I think this year you should go to a nice place, maybe go out of the country even” Por proposes with his always all so bubbly personality. 

“I don't know, Por. I rather stay home…”

“Your home or the other?” he asks making Gun grimace and keeping silent. “You got to stop going to that place you know. You'll never be able to move on if you continue like that…”Por remembers him kindly as always, genuinely concerned about him.

“I know… I don't go that often anymore. It's just that, for these days it's better if I just… I-I feel better there” 

“Alright then”. Por agrees with a sigh of resignation. “Let me know the days you'll be staying there, okay” 

“Thanks, Por. You're the best!”

~

“He's staying at the apartment, right?” Tiw asks his boyfriend right after he ends the call with his best friend. Por nods letting out another long sigh. 

“He won't listen when I suggested he should go out of the country…” Por complains in a small voice. 

“It's alright, honey. Maybe this is even better…” Tiw adds with a mischievous smile on his face.

“What do you mean?” Por asks confused.

“Do you want to help me to play Cupid again?” Tiw asks still smiling playfully.

***

After almost eighteen hours of flying Tinn arrives finally in Bangkok. It has been an exhausting trip and the only thing he wanted was to lie down in a soft bed and sleep nonstop. During the many hours he spent traveling he made the decision not to go to his parent's house but instead go straight to his apartment, the one his parents gave him as a graduation gift six years ago. 

In the beginning, he was hesitant about this decision, this apartment holds too many memories that would not help him on his purpose of moving on from his past relationship. But along with the fear of remembering there was a sense of longing, a masochist impulse to be overwhelmed by those memories that had never left his mind anyway.

In no time Tinn is out of the luggage section of the airport with the small suitcase he’s carrying, in search of a cab.

Right in one of the multiple doors of the airport, Tinn is approached by a little man in a black suit. Bewildered, Tinn observes the man in detail trying to recognize him but it's impossible, he's way too tired to even bother. 

“Khun Jirawatthanakul”, greets the man with an awkward smile and a deep bow. Tinn answers the greeting with a respectful yet weird-out wai. “I’m here to pick you up, Khun”. Adds the man, making Tinn even more confused. 

“I think you've mistaken me for someone else, Sir”, Tinn says, confusing the man as well. 

“Is this the address you're heading to, Khun?” the man asks, extending a piece of paper toward Tinn. 

The frown on Tinn's forehead deepens as he reads the address written on the paper. It was indeed the address of his apartment. 

“Did my friend send you?” Tinn asks returning the piece of paper to the man who takes it with another deep bow. 

“Yes, Sir. Khun Sophonpatima was the one who sent me”.

“Ai'Twison…” Tinn murmurs just for him.

This clears up Tinn's confusion a bit, but he’s still suspicious and alert. Now he's wondering why Tiw hadn't told him about his intention of sending someone to pick him up from the airport. It's still very confusing but he’s too tired to pay more attention to it. He takes the ride and soon is in front of the building of his apartment. The place that contains so many of his best memories. Letting out a tired sighs Tinn enters the building.

~

Tinn enters his apartment with the last source of energy almost leaving his body. He needs to lie down as soon as possible. He knows he should probably take a shower but he can barely make it to the main bedroom awake, there was no way in hell he will survive a shower, the water will wake him up completely and he needs to rest more than he needs to clean himself. With his suitcase forgotten in the middle of the living room, he finally reaches the bedroom bed and without checking around he throws himself on it, the bed is surprisingly warm despite the AC. 

The room is pitch-black, yet he spots the shape of someone else beside him on the bed. Panic almost overtakes him until he recognizes the familiar face. Automatically his body relaxes against the other boy, surprised at how fast he has fallen asleep. 

There he was again, even after a long flight, dreaming about him all over again. 

Letting out a small sigh of relief, Tinn wraps his arm around the small waist, bringing the warm body closer to him. Delight in the way how this dream felt more real than the previous one he had just this morning. He can feel the warmth against his skin, the soft breathing against his neck, and the familiar smell of him, everything is so real that Tinn is finally able to sleep as if he is truly back home again.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 2: Running away

Gun wakes up involved in comfortable warmth. Attracted to the unknown source of heat, he moves closer, strong arms hug him tightly, and he swears he hasn't been this comfortable for a long time. With a big smile on his face, he snuggles into the firm chest…

Hold on… a what? Gun thinks, becoming more and more awake. Almost immediately, he feels a warm breath on the top of his head, and simultaneously he listens to a low snoring sound. Wait, he knows this sound…

Opening his eyes, he faces a broad chest that moves slightly with each breath the person in front of him takes. The familiar smell of him fills his nose, and unable to resist, Gun buries his face in the warm chest, his arms going up to the other's waist, and hugs him with no intention to let go any time soon. It feels like a reward, like a signal for him to never let him go. But he knows better; he knows this is just a dream, it has to be a dream.

But then, the protagonist of his dream starts moving in between his arms.

Gun has no more option than to unwrap his arm off his waist and lift his head to look at him.

And there he is, lying down in front of him, in the same bed, with his arms hanging loose around Gun's waist and hips. Their legs tangled together as they used to be years ago.

Gun is unable to stop his hands from going up to caress Tinn's hair that has fallen on his forehead. The other barely moves, slightly turning his head where Gun's hand rests against his cheek.

“Am I dreaming?” Gun whispers in disbelief. His fingers are tracing the handsome features of the other boy, taking a little bit more time on the curve of his lips. “If so, I don't want to wake up… ever.”

“Hmmm,” Tinn murmurs, instantly alarming Gun. The taller boy grabs Gun's waist with more strength burying his face in the space of the other neck and shoulder. “Feels… so good…” Tinn murmurs again, purring the words right against Gun's sensible neck skin.

Gun's whole body shudders.

And this wakes him up completely.

“Alright, this is definitely not a dream…” Gun murmurs with concern. “How do we even end up in this situation?” he wonders.

But even more important, how was he going to get himself out of this?

Trying to control the hectic rhythm of his heart, Gun tries to untie Tinn's arms off his waist, but the other boy's grip is too strong. He's about to give up when a movement from the other alerts him. Gun remains fully motionless for long seconds, too nervous and afraid to even breathe.

Slowly Tinn restricts himself from the spot he was hiding on Gun's neck, and way too soon for Gun's liking, they're facing each other once again. After all these many years, after everything they have gone through.

Gun can see the confusion on Tinn's face, and he's about to say something when he feels Tinn's finger trace with so much tenderness his bottom lip while Tinn's other hand finds its way to caress his chin, the touch as soft and tender as it has always been. Gun shuts his eyes close, allowing himself to enjoy the other's touch, even though he knows he's not supposed to do that.

He should be finding a way to get them out of this, find an explanation for the disaster, or at least try to explain himself, say something… but instead. He's just there enjoying the proximity and intimacy of… his ex.

Right, his ex. Even after years, those words still hurt like the first time he had used them.

Like an electroshock, this takes him out of the haze he had fallen into, and he opens his eyes again, withdrawing himself from the touch of the other.

“H-hi…” Gun whispers trying to smile, but is pretty sure it is failing.

Tinn freezes in his place, with his hands hanging mid-air. In the beginning, he had thought he was having another of his numerous dreams, but the Gun in his dreams had never felt this real, the Gun in his dreams never talked so clearly, never felt this warm, never looked this beautiful… the Gun in his dreams has never been so close and yet so far.

“Tinn…?” Gun whispers again, feeling increasingly uneasy.

Yeah, it's definitely NOT one of his dreams, Tinn murmurs in his head. Realization hits hard when Tinn registers how close they are to each other, chests almost touching, hands on his waist, legs tangled…

“Oh shit!” Tinn mutters, jumping out the bed, almost falling in the process, hitting one of his toes with the base of the bed.

“Are you alright?” Gun asks with concern, seated on the bed, looking at Tinn with worried eyes and tousled hair, looking as adorable as always…

Shit, shit, shit… what the hell is going on?! Tinn rambles in his head in complete chaos.

“I... I can't... What are...? How...? I have to go...” Tinn stammers, unable to form a coherent sentence.

“Wait, Tinn…” Gun tries to stop him from running away, but he's too fast, and once again, just like the previous time, he sees the boy he loved storm out of the apartment and out of his life.

***

Out of breath, heart throbbing in his chest, and wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday is how Tinn arrives at his parent's house. The first thing he does before entering the house is text the betrayer he has for his best friend.

When he has sent the text, he enters the house, and the first one to approach him is, of course, his father.

“Tinn!” his father exclaimed excitedly, running out of the kitchen to greet him. “How come you're here? Why didn't you tell us you were coming?”

“I wanted to surprise you both,” Tinn answered, hugging his father as tight as he was hugging him. Tinn can see his mother stopped in her tracks beyond the kitchen. “Surprise…” Tinn adds with a timid smile.

After all the greetings and hugging, Tinn can go to his former room and take the longest shower he has taken in the last few days. It's almost dinner time when Tinn goes down to the living room again. Looking around, he just finds his mother seated on a couch reading a magazine. Tinn runs towards her and sits by her side, hugging her.

“Oh, son…” she says with an endearing tone in her voice, leaving the magazine aside and hugging him back. “Are you feeling better?” she adds.

Tinn only nods. When he realizes his father's absence, he asks, “Where's Dad?”

“At the market buying ingredients to make your favorite dish,” his mom’s reply warms Tinn's heart, and he feels emotional again, so he hugs her longer this time.

At that moment, a rush of guilt hits him when he realizes how much distance he has put between himself and his parents for the last few years. He has missed them so much, and he feels the need to express it so he says, “I've missed you both so much.”

“We've missed you too, son. A lot,” she says, caressing his hair like she used to do when he was younger. “Now, are you gonna tell me why you were so troubled when you arrived?”

***

Tiw has been enjoying the last few days with his boyfriend. They barely have free time, so a few relaxing days were always welcome. It's early in the morning, and he's cuddling with his cute boyfriend planning on spending the entire day in bed.

Until…

Tinn: “Ai'Tiw, Damn traitor! You set me up to meet with Gun. I'm gonna freaking kill you when I see you!”

What the hell?

“Oh, shit. Tinn!” Tiw screams, jumping out of bed, startling Por in the process.

“What's wrong?” Por asks, half asleep.

“Tinn and Gun met…” explains Tiw after reading multiple times the message Tinn has sent him.

“How so?”

“I got no idea, love. I'm gonna call Tinn. I think you should call Gun to check on him,” Tiw suggests, and Por just nods and hurries out of bed to call his friend.

“Alright, alright, but if you keep threatening me, I won't go see you,” Tiw complains. “How was I supposed to know you were back when you didn't tell anyone about your returning so suddenly?”

Someone seems to be yelling something on the other side of the call.

“Okay, okay, don't yell at me just yet. Save it for later, friend.” Tiw says with a calm smile.

At that moment, Por enters the room with his phone in one hand, done with his own call.

“Was he mad?” Por asks with a grimace on his face.

“He's hysterical. It's okay. I'll deal with him later,” replies Tiw with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “How is Gun?”

The grimace on Por's face increases.

“He's mostly confused. He doesn't understand how they end up in that situation, and neither do I… Did you—?” Por is about to ask with suspicion but is interrupted by his boyfriend.

Tiw walks his way toward Por and involves his arms around the latter.

“Hey, not even I, with my screenwriter mastermind, can plot such an unexpected encounter. I didn't even know when Tinn was coming.”

“How weird, isn't it?”

“It is…, but you know what is even weirder?” Por only shakes his head with a curious look. “Your ability to look cuter in the mornings. How is it that you get cuter each day?” Tiw asks with a fake complaint.

“Ai'Tiw! I thought you were being serious!” Por whines, blushing hard.

“I am being serious. Extremely serious”

The pair of boyfriends keep flirting with each other the rest of the morning. Quickly forgetting, at least for a moment, about the mess their best friends were in.

***

When Tiw arrives at Tinn's home, he meets a calmer Tinn. The latter even hugs him as a greeting, and Tiw is surprised to even see his friend smiling. Tiw had thought he would encounter a really mad Tinn, but this version of his friend looks calmer, more than he expected.

“So, you're telling me it was all a major coincidence…” Tinn says with the same relaxed expression.

“I didn't even know you were here. How could I have planned for you two to meet when I didn't know you were here?”

“What about the man at the airport? He asked directly for me and said he was sent by Khun Sophonpatina.”

“He didn't mean you, and he wasn't talking about me either.”

Tinn's confused face makes Tiw want to laugh.

“Remember how Gun and you had this habit of using each other's last names when you were traveling? We will always pick you up by each other's last name. Well, Por and I were kinda doing the same, and the man was there to pick up Gun on Por's behalf. Gun was getting back from one of his trips, and the man Por sent was late, so Gun took a taxi, and when the man couldn't find him, he asked for Khun Jirawatthanakul, and you were already there so…”

“Wait, so… he's still using my last name?” Tinn asks, surprised.

“Ow, Tinn, that's the only thing you get from all of that?” Tiw reproaches him with a smile, shaking his head in disbelief.

“What? Do you want me to focus on the fact that you blatantly lied to me?” Tinn reproaches again. Tiw looks at him with confusion, so Tinn explains, “You said Gun was touring out of the country, and you knew damn well he was not!”

“Hey, in our defense. Por and I try to get him out of the country for his own good, but he refuses. He hasn't been good lately…” Tiw adds the last part waiting for his friend's reaction.

Tinn's attention is caught immediately by those few words, and the doctor struggles to resist the urge to ask for more information. But at that moment, his Dad returns from the supermarket, and Tinn offers himself to help cook, but his father refuses his help and takes on the task by himself as a welcoming gesture to his son.

They invite Tiw to join them for dinner, but he kindly refuses to go see his boyfriend instead.

After dinner, Tinn finds himself alone with his mother again. The question she had asked him earlier floats still around them. Tiw's visit had interrupted their conversation, and Tinn wasn't able to answer the question then, but right now, he was the one who wanted answers.

“Tinn?” his mom calls.

Seated again on the couch, both of them look at each other, searching for answers. Once again is his mom who takes the first step.

“It wasn't intentional, but I heard part of the conversion you had with Tiw…” his mother starts strong, direct to the point. “The reason why you were so troubled this morning is because you met with him, right?” she asks, grabbing Tinn's hands in a supportive gesture.

Tinn lets out a long and tired sigh before answering.

“It was an unfortunate coincidence, but yeah, we met. I saw him…”

“It must've been shocking. Are you alright, son?” his mom asks with concern.

“I… I'm just confused. How did he even get there…?” Tinn complains in an outburst.

Tinn doesn't see it, but a glint of guilt crosses her mother's face before she confesses.

“It's my fault. I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry, Tinn. I just... I couldn't say no.”

“What are you talking about?” Tinn asks with his heart racing.

“It happened the next day after you left to go to America…”

They return from the airport from seeing Tinn off. And they find their house emptier than ever.

They're gonna miss their son so much, but deep down, both know that Tinn leaving was probably the best thing to do. However, Photjanee cannot help but wonder if the two boys are going to be okay. The break-up had been so sudden, she didn't even know the reason for it. She didn't dare to ask. What she knows for sure is that both of her sons were hurting. And it pains her not being able to do anything to help them.

It's almost amusing how she was so reluctant to accept them at the beginning of their relationship, and now that it ended, it feels so wrong, somehow.

The next day she goes to Tinn's apartment after work. Her son has asked her to pick up some boxes he has left there. But what she hasn't expected is to find someone else in there. She knows who it is immediately, with a sad smile, she is about to reach the boy, but she stops midway.

Gun is in the main bedroom holding tight to what she assumes is one of her son's shirts. It breaks her heart when the boy she has grown to love as another son, breaks down right in front of her, clinging to the soft fabric of the shirt while he cries his eyes out.

She doesn't know what to do. It feels wrong to be here watching such a personal moment. But at the same time, she feels the urge to go and console the boy, just like she did with her own son. She knew the two of them loved each other deeply, and that's why it is harder to understand what could've gone so wrong in their relationship to the point of breaking up.

Unable to stop herself, she reaches the boy, and without uttering a single word, she involves him in her arms. Gun tens a little, but when he recognizes her, he relaxes and leans in her embrace, crying even harder. Minutes pass, and none of them breaks the hug until the crying has slowed down a little.

“I'm sorry… I know I shouldn't be here. I'm so sorry,” he mutters in a quiet voice that breaks Photjanee's heart a little bit more.

“Please, don't apologize. I know it is hard,” she says, patting the boy's back gently. A few more minutes pass in silence until he talks again.

“I'm such a mess,” he murmurs, more relaxed, cleaning his face with one hand and realizing he's still holding the shirt in the other hand. He folds the shirt neatly and places it back on the box before finally facing Photjanee. “I'm sorry, Mom…”

The words linger in the air in an awkward silence. As they both realize what Gun had said.

“Sorry, it's out of habit,” he apologizes again, trying to smile, but his face just manages to make a painful grimace.

“It's alright, son. No need to apologize, I understand,” she says with a calm smile, trying to settle him down a bit. “Are you here to pick up your things too?”

With a sad look in his eyes, he looks around as if he's just recognizing his surroundings.

“Umm… Not really, I don't have anything left here…” he whispers the last thing looking back at the box with Tinn's belongings. “I was just… just saying goodbye, I guess,” he says quietly, eyes still lost in the items within the box.

Photjanee doesn't know what to add to that, so she remains silent for long minutes.

“Would you like me to give you some time? I can come back another day…” she proposes.

“It's alright. You don't need to… I'll help you carry everything to the car,” he proposes instead.

Soon, they're walking down to the parking lot of the building. Gun enters the box in the car and is about to say goodbye when he stops himself, and instead, he says, “Mom…” closing his eyes, he apologizes again and continues. “Do you mind if I… If I stay here a little longer?”

“I couldn't say no,” she admits with a sigh. “I know I should've asked you since it is your apartment. I'm sorry, son.”

“It's alright, Mom,” Tinn reassures her until something crosses his mind. “Do you know if he has been staying there all this time?” He asks with the knot his mom's words have given him still in the back of his throat.

“I don't think so… I know he just goes there for a certain time. Last week he called asking if he could stay there for a few days. If I had known you were coming, I would've…”

“I know, Mom. Don't worry.”

“What are you gonna do?” she asks, concerned anyway.

“For the time being, I'll stay here, if you allow it, of course,” Tinn says, to which his mother immediately agrees. “And I'm gonna give him time until we can talk about it, I know he hasn’t been well, especially these days. And I think I know why...”

When his mother looks at him confused, Tinn explains.

“My birthday is near, and with it, is the date of our... anniversary.”

Photjanee finally understands what was troubling both boys and cannot help but feel sorry for both of them. She hopes that Tinn's return will not be a cause of pain for either of them and that they will be able to face it with the maturity with which they have always faced everything.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

It’s just an ad. IT’S NOT 😭😭😭😭

I really did miss how they hold hands.

Chapter 4: Talking

It has been a week since he met Tinn at the hospital and then at the bar the next day. They haven't had any other encounter since then.

However, since the first encounter at the apartment, Gun has felt different. Usually, by this time of the year, he would feel terrible, unmotivated and without energy, he was still feeling like that the day before that first encounter, but after that something has changed. And everyone around him noticed it too. His manager had previously agreed to give him a few days off but when he noticed the sudden change in his behavior he asked him if he wanted to return to his normal activities, but Gun refused and took his time off. It was going to be just one month anyway. And after that time, he hoped this new source of energy is not completely gone.

When his friends asked him what was the reason for his sudden change he remained silent, not knowing how to respond. Previously he was even thinking of quitting the dream of his entire life. But after he met him again… He felt different. 

He’s not foolish enough to start developing hope just after some occasional encounters, he wouldn’t do that to himself, he also knows he doesn’t have the right to do that. But he can’t deny the fact that just knowing he was back in the country, back at being around makes him ridiculously happy. He knows is stupid, deep down he knows he shouldn’t be feeling this way, it wasn’t healthy to depend so much emotionally on a person, especially when this person was no longer part of his life. But, he can’t help or hide the thrilling feeling that blooms in his chest just by the mere idea of meeting him again.

He won’t accept it, not even say it out loud, but all those occasional encounters they had, have made him so damn happy, the happiest he has been for the past two years. 

And he won’t force himself to change that, just like he’ll never force his heart to let him go. Tinn and all the precious moments they spent together are carefully stored in the depths of his heart. And he will keep them that way as long as he can, just allowing one or two memories to slip through the cracks of his broken heart from time to time. As a constant reminder of how happy they were together. 

So, yeah. If asked he would say he doesn’t know the reason for his sudden change of behavior. But within him, he will smile at the reason, and secretly he would hope Tinn feels the same source of happiness at their shared memories, that's the only hope he’d allow himself to have. 

“Ohoo, friend. Who got you smiling like that?” One of his bandmates asks teasingly. 

They’re back at the bar having some drinks before their performance of that night. On the other side of the table, his eyes meet with Tiw who smirks back at him with a knowing look.

Because, of course, he knows the reason why Gun is smiling, probably like an idiot, is not other than his best friend, as it always had been. And apparently, it will continue to always be. 

“Is it N’Fah?” another of his bandmates asks, making Gun laugh at such a question. 

Fah was a famous actress and model with whom he was rumored to be dating. Rumors have never been so far from reality like with this one. Fah and he were just good friends and occasional business partners who their managers put together to have more success in the publicity campaigns they made together, fueling rumors and speculation. They were friends but that was all, never had any intention of crossing the professional line of business partners. However, his bandmates always insisted on the excellent chemistry between the two of them. Always asking if they were finally together. To what Gun just laughs.

“It’s nothing, stop being so nosy,” Gun says instead of answering the question. 

“Ow, you didn’t deny it was about N’Fah,” says Aat the first one to ask. “Are you two finally dating?” he adds, too excited to Gun’s liking. 

“You two have such good chemistry, that you should try making a move.” This time is Dew their drummer the one who talks. Gun just shakes his head, finishing his drinking to avoid having to say something. “The fans always go crazy when you two are together. Have you seen the last pictures they took of you two at the hospital?”

“They’re so nosy,” says the third member of his band, Mee, with a fond smile on his face. The three of his friends distract themselves by looking a the different pictures that fans have taken of him at the hospital. That is one of the things Gun will never get used to it about his job, the lack of privacy at all times even in the more vulnerable moments, sometimes seems like a price too high to pay for his dream and everything that comes with it.

He joins his friends to look at the pictures too. 

He's looking at them not really interested until he sees one picture in specific where he looks distracted. He follows his own gaze through the picture and is surprised to see the object of his intense look being captured by the picture too. Gun finds himself staring again at the handsome features of the doctor, his doctor. 

His. Doctor. Damn. That sounded too good, he thinks. 

“What were you looking at? The fans?” Mee asks curious. “You seem focused, like really focused” he adds, not noticing the real focus of Gun’s intense staring. The picture is taken from another fan's point of view, so it doesn’t really show the two doctors standing on the other side of the hall. You need to pay extra attention to really notice, and even if you do it no one would actually get to the conclusion he was looking at Tinn, but instead will draw the conclusion that he was looking at the fans, just like his friend did.

And Gun agrees. His friend was right, he was at a complete loss staring at such a beautiful face. It’s almost embarrassing now that he can see it in the picture. When his friend looks at him waiting for an answer, Gun just lets out an affirmation noise. And gets back to his chair to order another drink feeling increasingly embarrassed. 

Tiw, who’s still on the other side of the table looks at his friends with intention and before Gun can stop him he’s moving to look at the pictures too. Gun grimaces, and moves his hands in a failed attempt to stop his best friend's boyfriend but it's useless. The boy is smiling wildly going through all the pictures. 

“That’s what we call top-tier chemistry isn’t it, my friend?” Tiw says with a teasing smile on his face. 

“What do you mean?” Dew asks confused. Gun looks at Tiw with a warning in his eyes. 

Tiw walks closer to Gun and placing one hand on top of Gun’s shoulder he says, “Nothing, I’m just talking about Gun’s interaction with the fans” and in a lower tone he adds. “Such an intense look. Is that the reason why you were smiling before?” Tiw asks playfully. 

“Shut up” Gun mutters covering half of his mouth with one hand. Tiw just laughs it off and palming Gun on the shoulder he continues. 

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” he says but Gun can see in his eyes that he’s not done yet. “You haven’t seen each other since then, right?”

Gun shakes his head and narrows his eyes with suspicion. 

“I was just thinking…” Tiw starts and Gun knows that whatever comes after that won’t be good for his sanity. “Should I invite my old friend to our little high school reunion?” 

Gun’s eyes widen at the mere suggestion. He starts shaking his head aggressively but Tiw just smiles at him. 

“Oh, come on! Don’t be a coward” Tiw says a bit louder than necessary, making the others interested. 

“What are you two whispering?” is Aat who asks this time. 

“Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering if I should invite an old friend to our reunion…” Tiw says coaxing a brow in Gun's direction as if he was daring him to say further. 

Gun just rolls his eyes, annoyed, and he doesn’t even try to stop that damn nosy boy. 

“Should I?” Tiw asks again jokingly. “He still could say no, you know. But I guess it’s worth the try”. 

“Ai'Tiwson…” Gun mutters with warning, but knows perfectly he’s helpless against the other's resolution.

***

Tinn has been working the entire week nonstop. This is not something new, it’s always like that at the hospital. 

When the weekend arrives he’s overworked, completely drained out. He needs a distraction but this week P’Mai and him have different schedules and while Tinn was free his friend was still trapped in a double shift. 

He was still thinking of a possible way of distraction that wouldn’t leave him with a terrible headache the next morning when he receives a call from his best friend. 

“Tinn, my friend!” Tiw greets him through the phone excitedly. “How are you? Are you trapped on one of those endless shifts of yours or are you free?”

After greeting back his friend, Tinn replies “I’m actually free, why? Are you inviting me somewhere?”

“You tell me! Are you up for some high school reunion?” Tiw asks.

Tinn pauses for a moment to think of the proposal. What exactly does a high school reunion? Was he going to be there? Tinn wanted to ask but his friend wouldn’t allow him to. 

“Just come to the address I’ll send you. Everyone will be happy to see you!” And without another word, Tiw ends the call leaving a more than confused Tinn hanging on the other side of the phone.

Tinn looks at his phone confused but there’s not much he can do against his best friend's antics. 

An hour and a half later Tinn is arriving at the address that Tiw has sent him. One step in front of the bar is what it takes for him to recognize the place. He’s been here not so long ago, and it makes sense. He should’ve known better. His goddamn friend was playing with him again and Tinn was about to lose it, again. 

“You gotta stop doing this to me” Tinn mutters in a low voice, with a clenched jaw. It’s everything he says as a greeting and Tiw just flashes him with a ridiculous bright smile. 

“What do you mean?” Tiw asks, getting on his feet to greet his friend properly. Tinn just gives him an irritated look, pointing with his eyes to the place on the small stage where Gun and his band start preparing for their presentation. 

It’s not like Tinn didn’t know about the possibility of meeting with him again the moment Tiw mentioned it was a high school reunion, but still, he still could be dramatic about it with his annoying best friend. 

“Oh, that. I did forget to mention that small little detail” Tiw says apologetically, but then he adds “Even though I think you already knew and decided to come anyways…” With a suspicious look he continues, “Anything you would like to share, friend?” 

“Shut up, just shut up…” Tinn says with fake annoyance. 

In the end, he was looking for some source of distraction, and if this wasn't one, he doesn't know what is.

“Come, I’m gonna introduce you to everyone,” Tiw says, grabbing TInn by the shoulders and walking them toward the table near the stage. 

On his way to the table, his eyes wander over the place, and way too soon he finds the person he should be avoiding, but he’s clearly not… Tinn almost jumps in his place when he finds the other’s eyes already looking at him. 

He’s starting to regret his decision to come here and is about to turn around and leave when he sees Gun jump down the stage and walk toward them. By that time Tiw’s already introducing him to new people, and Tinn distracts himself from the alarming presence of his… ex, greeting every person on the table.

“Everyone, this is Tinn, my dearest best friend from high school who is just back in town from his studies abroad, yeah he’s so cool. If you ever find yourself in a life or death situation, this is the man you need to look for” Tiw says in the most flamboyant way possible. 

Tinn smiles a bit embarrassed but greets everyone anyway. His smile grows a little more genuine when he spots Por among the strangers sitting there, Por smiles brightly back at him, and he’s glad to see at least one familiar face in the place. At that moment he just recognized three people. 

So much for a high school reunion, he thinks. 

“Where are the others?” he whispers to Tiw. 

“They’re not coming. Pat and Jorn are traveling together on some sort of honeymoon trip. And Yo is busy with his career and family.” Tiw explains. 

“So, you blatantly lied to me, again” Tinn complains. 

“I didn’t! There’s an actual high school reunion that is not here but at the school next weekend. Everyone is coming, you should come too.”

By that time Gun and his band members are already by the table, Tinn can feel the burning sensation of the lead singer’s eyes on him, he’s not being very subtle about it, and Tinn feels like running out of there. Tiw introduces him to Gun’s band members but Tinn doesn’t register any of the names. 

“You’re all sober now, huh?” Win says as a greeting.

“Next time I’ll charge you extra for the security service,” Sound says this time, confusing Tinn, until he remembers that Sound was here the other night when he got completely drunk.

“Sound and Win own the place” Tiw explains. And Sound's presence the other night he was here makes lots of sense now. 

Tinn just nods and smiles awkwardly at Sound before saying, “Sorry. Won’t happen again.” 

Sound returns the nod and then is distracted by something Win is telling him. So now Tinn’s focus has no other option but to fall on the person next to Sound. Gun. 

The silence between them is awkward and everyone seems to notice because they give them some space to maybe adapt themselves, Tinn is not sure but he doubts it would be of any help. 

Tinn’s hands are sweating his heart’s beating fast and his head is a mess, just like it was so many years ago. He would find it funny if it wasn’t so freaking frustrating. Tinn is angry with himself, he’s supposed to be over this stupid reaction, but after all these years he keeps getting nervous around him, and it’s so frustrating he feels the need to break the uncomfortable silence, so he does it…

“Are you feeling better?” Tinn asks, daring to even look at Gun. His sudden question seems to take the latter off-guard. It takes a few seconds to get an answer from him. 

“Ummm, yeah. I’m feeling much better now, thanks… again. A-And t-thanks for asking…” Gun answers sounding incredibly uncomfortable. 

“Not problem,” Tinn says with a tense smile. And then he remembers he has reasons to be thankful too, so he adds, “Thanks to you as well”, and when Gun looks at him confused Tinn explains, “For taking me home the other night, a-and for the food. It was really nice, you didn’t have to… I don't know if you bought it or cooked it yourself, from the familiar taste I would say you cooked it but I couldn't be sure, iether way, I really appreciate it…” 

Tinn realizes too late that he is rambling once again. He curses at himself, because it’s something he has never been able to control, and it is worse when he is nervous. Mortified he looks back at Gun, not knowing when he has averted his eyes, but when he meets the other's look he finds a gaze full of fondness. 

Tinn is taken aback by the sudden wave of emotions he can clearly see in the other’s eyes. His eyes always have been so expressive and at that exact moment Tinn realizes how much he has missed witnessing that kind of look, but above all, he has missed being the cause of such a look, and the realization quickly turns his ears incredibly red. He listens Gun clears his throat, probably uncomfortable but Tinn does not dare to raise his eyes up to him again. 

He looks at his best friend instead and that’s an equally terrible idea. Because the only thing he finds in Tiw’s look is smugness. 

The damn traitor is enjoying too much setting Tinn up in the worse situations. 

“Well, aren't you guys going to start playing? Your audience is growing impatience!” Win yells, unknowingly going to Tinn's rescue. 

The band moves back to the stage. And Tinn desperately ignores the burning sensation he feels in the back of his neck and continues to settle down on the table, next to Por. 

The band is now taking a break after almost twenty minutes of performance. Gun has been nervous the entire night. Self-conscious the entire time. He wants to give an excellent performance and he’s not stupid enough to deny that the main reason for that is a certain person in the audience. And for the same stupid reason, he can’t stop stealing glances at the same said person. 

He hasn't felt this way in so long, he doesn’t even know how to deal with it. 

“Would you stop staring at him? You’re being too obvious!” Sound shouts in a whisper, half annoyed and half concerned. 

Gun is about to complain and say a shameful lie like ‘I’m not staring!’ but the problem is, he is indeed staring. He tried not to, but it was impossible, his eyes would wander on their own in his direction.

“I can’t help it…” he admits his defeat. Sound just shakes his head in disapproval. 

“Do you still…?” Sound doesn’t need to finish his question because all it takes is one look at his friend for him to get his answer. “After all this time?” he asks as confirmation. 

And Gun doesn’t answer, his eyes focus again on that one person at his friends’ table. 

The truth is he doesn’t even know himself. Does he still have feelings? Did he ever stop having them? How to be sure… 

Before, he thought the feeling of happiness he felt every time he saw him, was because of all the fond memories they had together. It has been the perfect excuse, the right reason to be feeling that way. But he’s not so sure that it's just that anymore. 

Was he trying to gaslight himself into the idea of not having any feeling left for his… ex? Maybe...

Because earlier when he witnessed Tinn’s cute little ramblings again, it didn’t feel like just a happy memory he was fond of. It felt more like something he had missed too much and wished to get back. 

“I don’t really know…” he whispers to his friend but mostly to himself. 

Tinn feels less uncomfortable. The conversation is actually not that bad at the table. He’s content with being able to talk to some of his past classmates and know about their lives and how everything has been going on. It’s the kind of distraction he needed. Tiw wasn’t lying after all, with time, more of their classmates started arriving at the bar and the group gradually increased in number. Tiw also didn’t lie about this being just a small reunion, sort of like a preparation for the real one that is going to take place next weekend at school. So, everyone was planning and suggesting activities they would like to have on the event day. 

The band is another great distraction he’s starting to enjoy. They’re really good, which is not a surprise given the lead singer they have, he shakes his head as the thought settles in his mind. Another thing that doesn't come as a surprise is how loved the band is. Just this performance at this small bar manages to gather a great number of people who seem to love the band dearly. The crowd is not that big though, and almost by the end of the performance, the band encourages them to ask for their favorite themes to be played by them. 

Tinn is paying attention to something Por is saying when someone at their table rises up to ask for a specific song to be played by the band. A spare mic is passed by the people at the other tables until it reaches the boy making the suggestion. When the name of the song leaves the boy’s mouth, Tinn almost chokes on the drink he was drinking at the moment. 

“Would you sing ‘Let Me Tell You’? I love that song!” the boy says, excitedly. 

Tinn coughs desperately for fresh air. Once he's able to breathe again his eyes lock with a stunished Gun still on the stage. 

When their eyes meet everything else disappears. Once again they’re back to being their seventeen-year-old self that stared back at each other, lost in each other's eyes. Gun is back to being that dreamy boy who wrote a song to the boy he just discovered he likes, and Tinn is back to being the happiest boy in the world to whom his crush from two years had written him a song. They’re back to being crazy in love with each other… 

The feeling is too much…

“Do you wanna sing it?” Sound asks Gun, but he doesn’t get a response. 

Gun is still looking at Tinn. They’re openly staring at each other. And Tinn can see the resolution on Gun’s face. He’s gonna sing it. He’s gonna do it, and Tinn is not ready to hear him sing, at least not that song, especially that song. 

It’s too much, because perhaps… they’ve never stopped being crazy in love with each other. 

That thought hits Tinn like a freaking fist in the stomach. And he can not handle it anymore, he needs to leave, need to breathe. He rises up from his chair and rushes to the nearest exit.

“I’m sorry. We don’t sing old songs anymore.” It's the last thing Tinn hears Gun say, before leaving the bar in need of fresh air almost in the breach of having a panic attack.

Gun looks at the panic in Tinn’s eyes before he feels it himself. At first, he feels frozen in his place, unable to move, but when he sees Tinn rise from his seat and rush out of the bar, he starts moving again. 

“Would you continue?” he turns towards Sound and asks as calmly as possible. His friend nods at him and waves him away. Gun apologizes to the audience for not being able to sing his old song and storms out of the stage, following Tinn’s steps. 

It doesn’t take much to find the other. Tinn is resting his back against one of the walls of the alley at the back of the bar. Gun gets worried when he notices Tinn looks like he’s having trouble breathing. 

“A-Are you alright?” he asks hesitantly. He doesn’t want to bother him, but he’s really worried. Tinn stiffs up when he hears his voice and Gun grimaces feeling uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you feel uneasy, I’m gonna go get Tiw…” Gun says and is about to leave when he feels a grip on his forearm. 

“It’s alright. I just needed a minute.” Tinn says with a strained voice. 

Gun gradually turns to face him, surprised that Tinn is still holding his arm. His surprise might have shown on his face because Tinn follows his look and almost immediately let go of his arm. Once he’s free of the other’s touch, Gun joins Tinn resting his back against the wall. They spend long minutes in complete silence, just standing next to each other, unable to even look at the other. 

It feels like an eternity has happened, but it has probably just been a few minutes. When Tinn is back to talking. 

“I didn’t mean to storm out in that way. I was really enjoying the song, the new songs are great, and the band is amazing. It’s just… when they asked for that song, you seemed so resolved to sing it, which is completely fine, it’s your song after all. It’s just that… I-I got s-so scared…” he confesses, capturing Gun's full attention.

Gun wants to intervene but Tinn does not allow him to do so and continues talking.

“It’s ridiculous. Isn’t it?” He asks with a soft chuckle. The little smile that remains after the giggles is sad, extremely sad. With a blank stare he continues, “I guess I’m not ready to listen to it again, not yet…” he adds with a small voice. 

Gun feels a knot form in his throat and his eyes water suddenly. The hand resting on his thigh clenches into a fist, from the strength he puts into suppressing the urge to reach for the other. Tinn also seems on the verge of tears, and all Gun wants to do is wrap him in a tight embrace, to perhaps in that way ease the pain away.

But he doesn’t do it. Doesn’t feel with the right to do any of those things he’s itching to do. 

"It's not ridiculous, at all," Gun whispers wanting to reassure him somehow. "I- I don't feel ready either... We don't sing old songs because of that. I-I can't. It feels too... soon," Gun confesses, unable to look over at Tinn. He can feel Tinn's staring at him but he doesn't say anything. 

Silence falls upon them again, but this time is a bit less dense. 

“I’m planning to sell the apartment…” Tinn suddenly says, after other long minutes of silence. Making Gun tense up again. At this point, his feelings were a freaking roller coaster. If he didn't know Tinn was experiencing the same thing he would think Tinn was playing with his feelings. But it’s clear the doctor’s mind was all over the place just like his. “I thought, I should tell you since you were feeling attached to it, somehow I... It probably wasn’t a good idea, wasn’t it?” he asks insecure. 

“It’s alright,” Gun says with difficulty, the knot still tight in his throat. Tinn just nods and they fall into silence again. 

It’s not like he could say something, Gun thinks. It’s Tinn's apartment at the end. And it’s not Tinn’s problem that Gunn has gotten attached to it. 

“Gun…”

“Tinn…”

They say at the same time. The silliness of the small coincidence makes them laugh softly, taking away just a small part of the sadness that involves them. 

“Go ahead,” Tinn says, finally being able to look Gun in the face. 

“Not, you go first,” Gun says instead, holding Tinn’s gaze with the small smile still on his face. 

Letting out a small sigh, Tinn takes the opportunity given, “I just wanted to say that I think is good we’re talking now, and not just staring at each other awkwardly.” he says the last thing jokingly, making both of them chuckles. Then he adds, “We will probably keep meeting each other frequently, so I guess is good that we’re able to, just talk…” Tinn finishes still holding his gaze on Gun’s face. 

The singer nods in silent agreement. And when he feels the awkwardness rise again he intervenes. 

“I still need to get this checked, next week,” Gun says pointing at his head. This makes Tinn let out a soft laugh. 

And Gun is delighted at the familiar sound. He finds himself laughing too, it’s contagious apparently, and the feeling is warm in his chest. But when Tinn gets a bit closer to him, Gun stops laughing, and then Tinn places one of his hands on the left side of the top of his head, tilting it slightly to the side just enough for him to see better at the place where is Gun’s wound. At the sudden closeness, Gun even stops breathing, remaining still, breathless and nervous, so freaking nervous.  

“Looks pretty good to me,” Tinn says with his soothing voice way too close to Gun’s face.

Gun can’t help but close his eyes at the slightest touch that Tinn’s warm breath does when it brushes against the skin of the side of his face. Gun tries, he really tries to stop the impulse, suppress it with all his strength, but can’t help but tilt his head slightly to the side against Tinn’s hand, nuzzling with the side of his face and his nose the soft skin of Tinn’s inner wrist.

The smell of his skin is so familiar, that Gun starts feeling light-headed. He has missed him so much that it pains him. 

When he feels Tinn’s other hand cupping the other side of his face. Gun is helpless. They’re no longer resting their back on the wall but fully facing each other, involved in each other’s warmth. Gun opens his eyes and lets his hands go up to Tinn’s face and with trembling fingers, he dares to trace the underside of Tinn’s chin. 

They’re staring at each other’s eyes, and Gun can’t help but lower his gaze a little and for a second too long stare directly at Tinn’s slightly open lips. 

“Can I…” Tinn murmurs, Gun’s heart stops beating for a solid second, and the shock might reflect on his face, because Tinn hurries to clarify, with a nervous voice. “I mean… Ummm…. What I—”.

“A hug? Would you like a hug?” Gun asks softly, with endeared amusement. And Tinn just nods leaning against him and Gun catches him letting out a pleasant sigh. 

He has missed this too. Fuck. He was so fucked up. 

They probably shouldn’t be doing this but hugging never felt so good, never felt so needed. They’re holding to each other tightly with no intention to let the other go any time soon. Tears roll silently down both of their faces. They feel so at peace and yet so troubled. So comfortable in each other's arms.

Until…

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you since I got here. What are—?” Gun’s manager's annoying voice interrupted the peaceful silence they were in. 

“P’Ae, I told you, you should wait until…” Tiw is saying, but it’s interrupted. 

“Wait? I don’t have time to wait. Gun?” the older man asks impatiently. 

Tinn and Gun have already taken their arms off each other and are now awkwardly trying to wipe their tear-stained faces. 

“I’m coming, Phi. Please wait for me with the others,” Gun asks, facing his manager but looking sideways at Tinn. The latter is still busy cleaning his face and fixing his hair which is a bit tousled. 

Gun’s a bit embarrassed to realize he was probably the one who messed his hair when they were hugging. 

“I’m sorry, friend. I tried to stop him but you know how stubborn he is.” Tiw apologizes looking truly mortified. 

“It’s alright. Please, keep Tinn company, he was not feeling well…” Gun is saying but Tinn interrupts. 

“Actually. I think it's better if I go.” Tinn says. 

Gun, who was almost leaving at the moment, stops immediately and looks back at Tinn with alarm. They share a look and some sort of silent understanding. 

“Are you sure?” Gun asks, still worried. And Tinn just nods. They share another long look and when Tinn is about to leave Gun calls him, “Tinn?”

Tinn stops to look at him. Tiw has given them a little space, while he keeps watch of Gun’s manager. 

“Would you tell me if you ever want to listen to the song again?" Gun asks with an intense look, filled with plea and silent feelings. Tinn looks at him for what feels like an eternity, Gun even starts to panic believing that he has messed it up once again. But when Tinn finally answers he's smiling softly. 

"I will." It's the only thing Tinn says. 

"See you at the hospital, next week,” Gun says with an intense look, and Tinn just nods again, before leaving followed by Tiw. 

~

"Who is him?" Dew asks, with curiosity. 

"Looks like he's really close to Gun," Mee adds, and everyone nods. They're staring at the place where their manager has interrupted the hug the two boys were having. 

"Were they close friends?" is Aat who asks this time.

Sound and Wiin look at each other, but is Sound who ends up answering.

"As far as I know, they have never been able to be friends and I doubt they will ever be..." Sound says with a knowing smile but doesn't add more, leaving the three boys even more confused than before. "They're too stupidly in love with each other for that..." he whispers at last. Win is the only one to get to hear it.

To that, his boyfriend holds his hands and nods at him, understanding better than everyone what Sound is saying. 

The band's manager returns to where the members are waiting, and minutes after Gun is back too, but there's no signal of Tinn or even Tiw anymore.

Just by looking a Gun's facial expression, Sound knows his friend is not okay, and deep down he hopes that he will soon be able to either act on his feelings or end it all once and for all. Or they will end up hurting each other much more.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 5: Memories

Tinn is having lunch with his colleague and friend, Mai. When once again one of the nurses runs toward them, this time she’s looking specifically for Tinn. 

“Dr. Jirawatthanakul! Someone is looking for you at the main emergency room!” She says agitated. 

Tinn looks at her confused. Someone is looking specifically for him? 

With his friend walking beside him, he heads to the emergency room. And when he gets there the nurse at the front desk points to a small room where they usually attend urgent cases. 

“I’ll be around. Call if you need me” his friend says when Tinn turns to face him still pretty confused. Tinn nods at him and walks to the room. 

When he enters the small space is a bit too crowded. There are two nurses at the entrance and more people can be seen behind the curtains on the resting section.

“Why do you think he insists on seeing Dr. Jirawatthanakul?” one of the nurses asks another one in a whisper, without noticing Tinn's presence yet. 

“He’s a famous person, you know how they tend to be… a bit excentric” the other nurse answers, as oblivious as the first one.

“I know, but does that mean they know each other?” the first one asks. Carry on with the conversation as if the patient and his companion were not only a few meters away from them.

“I heard they went to high school together…” the second nurse answers and the first one makes a surprised noise. 

That’s all it takes for Tinn to show up in front of the nurses, who look at him with a combination of surprise and mortification. Tinn doesn’t say anything and just walks past them with a clear idea of who the patient is and he’s not looking forward to it. 

At first, he had just a small suspicion of who the person might be, but the nurses’ words had just confirmed it. 

He steps further and is about to draw the curtain that divides the main area when he stops to pay attention to the conversion developing behind the curtain. It wasn’t his intention to peep on them but their conversation was being loud enough to draw his attention. 

“Why do you insist on seeing this specific doctor?” an angry voice can be heard from behind the curtain. 

“You don’t need to be here, Phi. I told you that I was good by myself,” a familiar voice answers, avoiding the main point of the question.

“I just want to make sure you don’t sneak out like last time. We still need to go see the producers, and this is taking forever…” the first voice of what seems to be an older man says and Tinn decides it’s time to announce his presence. 

“Good afternoon,” Tinn says drawing the curtain with a bit too much force, his voice sounds more deep than he expected, strained even. Instantly the pairs of eyes focus on him. The older man, as it confirms to be, seems equally relieved and annoyed to see him there. The other’s reaction is hidden from Tinn’s sight. 

“Finally,” the man says, apparently embarrassing the younger one. Tinn can tell by the body language, though he still doesn't have a full view of the other. “Doctor. We’ve been here for ages. Can you check this stubborn boy’s wound so we can finally—”

“Phi, could you both wait outside, please?” His patient says, referring to the older man and a third person, another middle-aged man Tinn just notices now. Is until that moment that Tinn gets a full glance of the boy sitting on the emergency bed, they share a look, as the older man looks at the two of them alternating his gaze from one to another.

“We don’t have time for that. Can you check him up, so we can leave? We have a meeting to attend.” The older man says, looking at Tinn with annoyance. 

“Stop with the attitude, please. Just wait outside,” Gun asks impatiently, fed up with the behavior of who Tinn assumes is his manager.

Tinn stands on a side, listening carefully to the exchange that is displayed between the two. It makes him feel sad to realize that Gun's relationship with his managers is still not the best. It feels in a way like everything they’ve gone through the past three years has been in vain. And that’s just, well… depressing.

The manager looks at the third person for support but this one looks at him back helplessly. Giving up the man says: 

“Okay, but make it quick, or else…”

“Just leave.” Gun cuts him off, surprising Tinn who can barely contain his proud expression at Gun's strict behavior towards his manager. Tinn busy himself putting the gloves on so the satisfaction on his face can't be noticed by the others.

“Sorry about that.” Gun apologizes once they’re left alone. 

“It’s alright,” Tinn answers with a sincere smile. “Were you looking for me? Is everything alright?” Tinn asks getting closer to the small bed where Gun remains seated. 

Tinn notices the way Gun’s body stiffens as he gets closer and he tries to remain calm and professional.  

“I… just… You’re the only doctor I know here… a-and… the only one I trust with this…” he says pointing with one of his fingers to the wound on his head. “Were you busy? I didn’t stop to think that you could’ve been busy. I’m sorry, I—” 

“It’s alright, Gun.” Tinn says stopping Gun’s rambling and grabbing the thermometer he adds, “I’m gonna check your vitals first, ok?”  To that Gun just nods and when Tinn gets closer Gun has to swallow the knot that has formed in his throat. 

Tinn takes his temperature first, and then he takes his respiration rate and last he takes his pulse and heart rate.

When Tinn is taking his heart rate, Gun can’t help but stare at his handsome face and get lost in it. Tinn’s so focused, that Gun has to tilt his head a little to be able to properly look at him. Tinn always has been breathtakingly handsome but after his return, he’s been looking even more handsome. His facial features have matured into a dangerous combination of gorgeous and extremely hot. Gun lets out a shaky breath when he feels Tinn's hands on him, measuring his heartbeat. 

“It’s faster than average” Tinn’s deep voice makes Gun almost jump on his seat. 

They’re close, too close for Gun’s sanity. 

I wonder why… Gun mutters to himself, stirring up a little to try to get rid of the anxious feeling. 

“Have you been feeling dizzy, or dazed lately?” Tinn asks putting back his stethoscope around his neck and grabbing Gun’s neck with both his hands. Gun only manages to shake his head slightly in response and Tinn frowns. “What about your head? Does it hurt?” 

“No, it doesn’t,” Gun manages to say, and looking intensely at Tinn he whispers, “But my heart does…” Tinn frowns at his answer and Gun realizes too late he has said it out loud. “I- I mean… I-” he tries to cover it but it’s too late.

“I’m gonna check your wound, now,” Tinn says, propussely ignoring Gun’s attempts to fix what he had said. 

They fall into an awkward silence and Gun takes his chance to silently stare at Tinn again. Tinn’s hands are back on Gun, now tilting and touching his head. Gun wants to say something, anything, but the only thing he manages to do is stare. And stare, until his pulse is rising again. 

He’s really helpless against his own heart.  

“Does it hurt, here?” Tinn asks, softly pressing a specific point on the side of Gun’s head. Gun shakes his head slightly and Tinn’s hands stop touching him, Gun is about to complain but Tinn’s back a touching him, now placing his hand on his shoulder. Gun knows is an automatic movement that probably means nothing for the other but the contact is comforting. “Most of the stitches have already fallen off. I will only remove the remaining ones and we’ll be done.” Tinn explains and Gun just nods. 

What else can he do honestly?

When Tinn gets busy removing the stitches. Gun stares at him again, Tinn's concentrated expression is the most entertaining thing Gun has experienced lately. He wants to say something again, and he knows that if he doesn't do it now, he’ll never be able to. So, he does it. 

“Are you coming to the high school reunion this weekend?” Gun asks in a rush, unable to think of something else. Tinn stops his work on Gun’s stitches for a few seconds and they look at each other briefly. Gun’s starting to regret having asked in the first place and is about to take back the question when Tinn resumes his work just before answering.

“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” he says calmly, without looking at Gun, focusing only on his work. After a few minutes, Tinn stops his work again looking back at Gun he asks, “Are you going?”

“Mmm-hmm, the band—” Gun makes an affirmation sound and is about to complete his answer when is interrupted. 

“What is taking so long?” Gun’s manager says as he bursts into the place.  Gun lets out a tired sigh and just by looking at the older’s man expression, he knows the conversation is over.

“Everything looks good. All the stitches have healed properly. If you feel any discomfort in the future you can come back at any time and one of the staff members will be happy to assist you.” Tinn says using his most professional tone. 

Gun wants to continue their conversation and say anything that would allow him to keep Tinn's attention focused on him. But Tinn leaves before he can say anything else, and Gun feels like they're drifting apart once again. 

It seems that his career will continue to go on forever getting in between them. And he hates it, he hates it more than ever.

***

Later that day, Gun enters his apartment and is immediately hit by a wave of loneliness and silence that, although constant, never ceases to take him by surprise. The place is so quiet he can hear his inner thoughts and that just makes him feel worse. 

This is what you traded so much for? 

His manager and producers have revoked the days off he had been negotiating. Por tried to help him with any legal way out, but there was not much he could do, the contract obliges him to do what they say. So, he’s on schedule again and in the meantime, he’s trying to take advantage of all the free time he gets at least on weekends.

Weekends are when he feels the loneliest. But it hasn’t been always like that. And his mind seems to want to remind him just that… as if he wasn’t miserable enough. 

It finally happened. After almost two years of dating, they’ve decided to take a step further in their relationship and move in together. 

It hasn’t been an easy decision. They’ve been walking around it for a year now. Scared that it was too soon to have that level of intimacy in their relationship. Everyone around them made sure to warn them about not rushing things and taking everything at their own pace, their own pace being always questioned by them anyway, so they never pay much attention to those ‘warnings’. But with each day that passed they grew anxious and wanted to be with each other all the time, so they did.

Tinn has been the one to take the initiative, as everything in their relationship, to be fair. One night when they were lying down in bed during one of their multiple stay over, he asked Gun permission to look intensely into his eyes just like he did during their first week staying together back in high school and he just blurt it out loud. Taking Gun by surprise.

“Do you want to move in together?” Tinn has said looking extremely nervous, unable to keep their eye contact for longer than seconds. 

“W-what? Are you sure?” Gun asked, sitting on the bed abruptly, equally nervous. 

Tinn joins Gun in the center of the bed and taking Gun’s hands in his own he’s back at looking him intensely in the eyes. 

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. And I know we said we’ll wait till we’re both more settled in our respective careers. But… we’re practically already living together, staying over at each other’s place more often than we used to do before. And honestly, it’s ridiculous to pay two rents when we’re using just one place. Don’t you think so?” 

Gun lets out a snort, “And here I was thinking you would say something romantic like ‘I couldn't wait for the moment when we would wake up together every morning,’ or some cheesy thing like that.”

“Well, that too. I’m just trying to be practical and less cheesy here, help me out. Would you?” Tinn jokes, still holding Gun’s hands tightly.

“Please don’t contain yourself. I love your cheesiness so much,” Gun adds joking too. 

“In that case… Juliet, Oh, Juliet…” Tinn starts and Gun is already cracking up. “Would you do me the honor of moving in with me, to put an end to the suffering of waking up every day without you by my side?” Tinn ends in an exaggerated, almost theatrical way. 

“Oh, my god” Gun burst out, unable to contain his laughter any longer. “You’re so ridiculously cute…” he adds, before throwing himself on top of his boyfriend.  

Tinn lets out a strangled sound before setting himself better to take his boy's weight on top of him “So, what do you say?” he asks in a whisper. 

Gun takes a few minutes before answering, making Tinn more and more nervous.

All wrapped in the other’s arms, Gun raises his head to lock eyes with Tinn. “We have to tell your father first, so he can help us tell your mother,” Gun says with a grin that Tinn matches. Both know well that from their parents the most difficult to tell would be Tinn’s mom. 

“And you’ll be on laundry duty while I take care of the cooking” Gun says solely, to which Tinn just nods in agreement. They both know too well, that they’re better off with Tinn nowhere near the kitchen. “And we gonna do cleaning once a month” Gun adds.

“Once a month?! That's too little, isn't it?” Tinn asks surprised. 

“Once a week, then” Gun concedes, and this time Tinn agrees without any objection. 

“And we’ll split all the expenses, no discussion.”  

“But—” Tinn’s about to object, probably to offer to continue paying rent by himself or some ridiculous unbalanced arrangement, but Gun won’t allow him to.

“No discussion. I said!” 

Tinn does not dare to discuss this any further. And they remain in silence for a few minutes, until Tinn remembers something important. 

“We need to go shopping.”

“What do we need to get?” Gun asks, curious.

“New furniture!” Tinn answers excitedly and even though Gun is confused at first he accepts it. Anything that’ll make his boyfriend happy he’ll do.

Back in the present Gun smiles at the sweet memory and shifts his position on the couch as he continues remembering those first days of living together…

They had told everyone about it. As predicted, Tinn’s mom was the most difficult to convince. It wasn’t that she was against their decision to move in together, but she feared it was too soon for them to be taking such an important step. But again as predicted, Tinn’s dad has been a big help.

Everything was settled within a week, and that weekend they were off to their first furniture shopping together. 

“Do we really need new furniture?” Gun asks, already tired of looking around for the perfect couch Tinn wanted to put on their not-so-new shared living room. 

“We do!” Tinn exclaims excitedly. “Where are we gonna cuddle to watch series and movies?” 

He has a point, Gun admits. They spend another half an hour looking around countless stores until Tinn finally finds it. 

“That’s it! That’s the one!” he says with enthusiasm, pointing out what he baptized as ‘The perfect cuddling couch’. To Gun's eyes, it wasn’t anything special but his boy liked it, so that’s the couch they end up buying. 

“Look, we can pair it with that carpet,” Gun suggests and Tinn agrees. 

That’s how their furniture shopping concludes. The couch will be sent to their apartment but they have to carry the carpet and other kitchen utensils they bought back home. 

A week later they’re completely set up in the apartment that up until now was just Tinn’s but from now on they’re going to share. 

The carpet they just bought never gets to be used and the couch in their living room gets to witness both good and sad moments through the years they spend together. 

Back in his lonely living room, Gun smiles sadly, caressing the rough fabric of the couch that is not their perfect cuddling couch .

If he could go back in time he would change so many things, but there’s one thing he would never change, and that’s the one and only person that has always owned his heart. 

That's one thing he would never change, no matter how painful it has become to be around him pretending as if the most beautiful love story never happened between the two of them.

***

That night when Tinn arrives at home, he’s exhausted, completely overworked as usual. He just wants to lie down in bed but somehow he manages to take a shower and get properly dressed to sleep and when he’s done he finally throws himself into the soft mattress. 

It’s been such a long day but that doesn’t seem to stop his mind from taking him in an emotional memory lane on his sleep.

They’re been living together for almost three years now, things haven’t been entirely easy all the time. But Tinn has always thought every hardship they’ve gone through has been worth it. 

It has always been like this so he doesn’t understand what makes this time different.

They have fought again. It’s not the first time and it’s not going to be the last one, that’s for sure, at least that's what Tinn fears and hopes. But recently every fight feels like is going to be the last, one last big fight and they’ll be over, that’s the threat that lingers in the air around them every time they fight. 

And it scares Tinn to the bone. Shaking his entire system in fear. 

What they have is too precious to let it just die in a meaningless fight. And why they’ve been fighting for? Well… basically, everything and nothing at the same time. 

The truth is that they’ve been very stressed lately, extremely stressed. Life has been hectic and that’s probably their main problem. Gun’s about to graduate from his major, his project thesis has been keeping him busy but now that is done he has a bit more freedom to focus only on his college band activities which has been great ‘cause they have recently started gaining more popularity, what has led him to be traveling and performing a lot. 

While at the other end, Tinn barely has any free time. All his classes are time-consuming and he’s nowhere near the end of his major, still has to go on for years so even if he wants to, he can’t find time to spend with his boyfriend. 

And it shouldn’t be a problem, both of them are pretty much busy with their respective activities. The problem is that that’s not how their relationship works. They’re used to spending all their free time together, Tinn would show up to every performance Gun has, supporting him in every way possible, and Gun would help Tinn study and cheer him up before every test. They would celebrate every success and failure together. But they haven't had the time to do it lately, and that was killing them and their relationship slowly. 

“When are you gonna be back?” Tinn asks when Gun is about to leave their apartment. 

“I don’t know,” Gun answers stopping for a moment in the middle of the hallway that leads to the main door. The suitcase he uses every time he travels is in one of his hands. 

“Would you like—” Tinn stops briefly to think better about what he’s about to propose. “I can pick you up at the airport when you get back if you want…”

Gun takes a few minutes to think about it. 

“It’s alright. They will give us a ride back home. I don’t want to bother you…” he whispers the last thing. Still not looking at Tinn.

“It's no bother, Gun. I can—” Tinn’s saying but is abruptly interrupted by Gun’s sudden hug.

It takes him by surprise, ‘cause they just fought this morning. 

“It’s really not necessary. Thank you. But you should focus on studying and… good luck on your test.” He says unwrapping his arms off Tinn quickly, too quick to Tinn’s liking. And without saying any other word he walks across the door and leaves. 

Tinn watches him leave letting out a soft sigh. That’s how things have been between them lately. They would argue, and then when things seemed to be settled down, they would be awkward with each other until the next argument arose. 

Tinn feels lost and scared, so scared of the moment when they will finally fall apart.

Back in the present, Tinn wakes up abruptly. It has been a while since he has dreamt about them. Unfortunately for him, his mind has left the happy memories route to take him down the sad ones. 

And that’s a trip he’s not willing to take. With a grunt, he gets up from the bed and searches on the bathroom shelves, once he finds them, he takes one pill hoping that would be enough to help him sleep without dreaming throughout the night.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 6: I still feel the same

The day of their high school reunion arrives and Tinn decides to go. He’s aware it may be a terrible decision but ends up going anyway. Curiosity winning the best out of him, again. 

The day of the event, he arrives early at the place, and way too soon he finds himself standing in front of the main gate of his old school. The memories that flood his mind at that moment are wholesome, he had an excellent high school experience overall he gotta admit. 

This place brings back fond memories for the most part. 

He’s smiling widely until he recognizes a familiar figure pass in front of him. His smile fades little by little as he narrows his eyes to make sure he’s not mistaking the person who just passed by him without noticing him.

The woman walking in front of him struggles with what looks like heavy grocery bags, so once he’s sure of who that is, he’s fast to approach her. 

“May I help you?” Tinn asks politely. The woman turns around suddenly and Tinn can see the exact moment she recognizes him. 

“Tinn!” She says with enthusiasm. “You’re back!” She adds looking genuinely surprised. 

He hasn’t told her… Tinn thinks. But immediately push that thought away to greet her back.

“Hello, mae… ” he says too fast to realize what he just called her, “How have you been?” 

“Good, very good, son. And you?” She asks, as enthusiastic as before, with a smile too similar to her son’s one. 

It doesn’t go unnoticed to Tinn what she just called him but he decides to not think too much about it and replies instead, insisting on his previous offer of carrying her bags. She accepts and both of them walk to the milk bar. 

“I didn’t know you were back,” she expresses again, making small talk on the way back. 

“I came back about a month ago or so,” Tinn says as they arrive at the milk bar. 

“Are you working again at the hospital?” She asks placing her purse on the counter of the bar. The place doesn’t seem to be close, but there aren't customers either. Tinn absently wonders who was in charge while Gim was gone. 

“Yes. I started a residency at Bangkok Central Hospital a few weeks ago.” Tinn replies, and immediately follows, “Should I put this in the storage at the back?” he asks referring to the bags that are still in his hands. 

“Yes, please.” She says nodding in agreement while watching Tinn disappear at the back of the bar. “Thank you, dear. You’re as kind as always.” She adds with a wistful look, remembering when Tinn used to do the same years ago. 

When Tinn returns he finds the front counter empty. Gim isn’t there anymore, so Tinn allows himself to wander around the place a little. It hasn’t changed much. The walls, tables, and decorations remain the same, just as he remembers them. Tinn’s about to get back to the counter when one particular thing calls his attention. 

The old corkboard is still hanging in its place. With all its pictures storing countless moments.

A sad smile spreads on his face. There are still pictures of the two of them pinned there. One in particular steals his attention once again; it’s from their high school graduation day. They look so young there, so joyful. So eager for the life ahead of them, without knowing the path they would follow. To some extent, Tinn feels in debt to his younger self for not living the life he had dreamed of. 

Would things have been different if he—? 

“Tinn, have this, like in the old days,” Gim approaches him, distracting him from his troubled thoughts. “A special Jumba!” she adds, placing a big bowl of sweetened ice in front of him. 

Tinn’s smile grows until it becomes genuine. Without hesitation, he takes the bowl in his hands. 

“Thank you, mae, ” He says, and this time he notices. “I’m sorry. It comes out naturally.” He apologized, a bit embarrassed for saying it a second time.

“It’s alright, son.” She says with that big smile on her face. The smile that is so similar to his…

It reminds Tinn of the first day he tried his first Jumba, so many years ago. That one had also been given to him as a gift, and he probably had the same sad expression back then. 

They keep talking while Tinn sits and eats his ice cream on one of the seats at the counter bar of the shop. Their talking is interrupted minutes later by a boy who introduces himself as the new part-timer of the shop. The boy is very talkative and he won’t stop talking until Gim shoos him away so he can do his work.

Gim is distracted, this time by the arrival of new customers, and while Gim serves her customers, Tinn is left by himself again, alone with his thoughts and memories. Music starts playing through the speakers, the part-timer being the one in charge of the task to liven up the store, and that’s a good distraction until it isn’t. 

The music that starts playing is barely a distraction at first, normal music, Tinn barely registers it, but by the second song, Tinn is startled as he hears a familiar melody sung by an even more familiar voice. 

Tinn is paralyzed in his seat when he recognizes the lyrics and the melodious singing. Memories are immediately evoked and Tinn is taken almost ten years back to the day of his fifteenth birthday when he had his first jumba and met his first and only love.

Memories overflood him as the lyrics of the song unfolded. Lifting his gaze, Tinn finds the corner where the old guitar Gun used to play his mini-concerts with still stands as a reminder of what they used to share. 

I was just someone,  In this lonely city. I was just nobody, Until you came and took my heart.   It’s as if my room has changed its color, It’s so beautiful that nothing else can compare.   Oh, the time has stopped, This city isn’t lonely anymore. Because I have you today.    You are there standing next to me,  I’d never dreamed of finding you, Among millions of people in this city, Without having to search.   I will hold you close and never let you slip away, Because it is not a dream. Ever since you came into my heart,  I ended the search for everyone.    When you get hold of me. 

Memories of the two of them together singing the song overlap with the ones of Gun singing it alone. Only for him, that’s how Tinn remembers it.

Tinn is overwhelmed, to say the least. It’s like he was able to see Gun singing the song in front of him all over again, his beautiful voice flooding softly into his ears.

Oh, the time has stopped, This city isn’t lonely anymore. Because I have you today. 

There was a time when he hadn't been as lonely as he had been in the last few years.

I will hold you close and never let you slip away,

And in the end, he did let him slip away. It hurts so much… 

Ever since you came into my heart,  I ended the search for everyone. 

He’ll never be able to move on. 

He can deny it anymore. He needs to face his feelings and accept what his broken heart silently screams: He missed it. He missed him. And he missed the two of them together.

He misses what they had so much that it physically pains him to know that it’s over. They had thought what they had would last forever, they planned for it to be forever, but it wasn’t and he can't take it. He has never been able to take it.

He’ll never be able to move on… Because his heart is settled on him. It’s been settled on him since the beginning since he was fifteen. Him only him. Gun is the person his heart has chosen since the very first moment. And his heart is a stubborn one, and it’s unwilling to let him go.

Just by listening to their song, he realizes he still feels the same way he felt when he was still a teen, the illusion of finding love in the boy with the most beautiful voice he ever heard, now is a fading feeling, a mere memory of what one day he had the privilege to have. He had thought the love had faded too. But it didn’t, it’s very much still there as vivid as it has always been.

His heart beats so hard it hurts and he feels overwhelmed, tears start running down his cheeks without him realizing it. His entire body is shaking swamped with feelings that were born once in this same place so many years ago. 

Suddenly, he’s unable to breathe correctly, and he knows he needs to get out of here. It’s too much to take in. He needs to leave as much as he needs to breathe. 

Panting and shaking he gets up from his seat and walks away, away from his unfinished jumba, away from this music that evoked so many memories and feelings. But overall, he wants to walk away from his feelings but he can’t, and he’s now just accepting the fact that he would never be able to get rid of his feelings, nor does he think he ever wants to.

Through his clouded senses, he can hear Gim calling him concerned probably, but he’s too lost in his internal turmoil to attend to her worried call, so he just keeps walking making his way toward the exit. He needs to get out of there as soon as possible. But on his way out he impacts abruptly on the arms of the person he eagerly wants to escape from. 

Gun holds him between his arms, looking at him with shock and worry. Tinn is sure Gun is calling him, he can see the concern on his face, but he can’t hear any sound. His mind is in such a daze he feels like he's about to pass out.

“What’s wrong, Tinn?” Gun asks increasingly concerned. “What happened?” he keeps asking, with a tone as sweet as his singing voice, he cradles Tinn's face between his hands so tender and soft it makes Tinn cry even harder. When Gun feels Tinn's fill with tears cheeks he gets even more worry.

“I need to go, I need to get out of here…” Tinn mutters in a small almost broken voice, averting his eyes from Gun’s worried gaze. “It’s the same, I still feel the same… ” He adds in a whisper, sounding helpless but at the same time daring to stare back at Gun's eyes intensity.

A few heartbeats pass by them. Gun wants to ask more, he needs answers or any sort of explanation, but before Gun can say anything, Tinn gets out of his embrace and scapes, finally walking out of the house completely.

Gun looks at his mother, who is at the front door looking at him with concern, for an explanation but she’s just as clueless as him. However, when Gun enters the milk bar and listens to the music still playing inside the shop, he gets it. It all clicks in his mind like a synchronized button and Tinn’s words come back at him and everything finally makes sense. 

It’s the same, I still feel the same… Tinn has said.

The same as the first day he had listened to the song Gun played for him, the song that is now getting to its end, and with the last notes Gun realizes... If he still feels the same, that means…

It might not be over for them. 

Gun’s heart starts a hectic race against his quicking breathing when he recognizes the meaning behind those words.

“When do you think was the exact moment?” Tinn asks with his eyes sparkling with curiosity and anticipation. For a moment Gun is lost in the intense glow of those beautiful eyes.

“What do you mean?” Gun asks, voice soothing and calm. On his lips, you can see the faint hint of one of his big smiles. Tinn makes an annoyed noise and shifts his position on the bed to get a bit closer to Gun. They remain lying on their bed, facing each other. 

“You know what I mean… When do you think was the exact moment that you fell in love with me…” he finishes in a shy whisper, his eyes avoiding Gun’s for a few seconds. 

“Ummm… not sure.” Gun murmurs, gaining Tinn’s attention again. The latter is about to protest when Gun continues, “I don’t think I can spot the exact moment. It happened rather gradually. I did not realize until it practically burst in my face.” Gun explains, holding Tinn’s hands and playing with his fingers unconsciously. 

“I know the exact moment I fell for you…” Tinn says, trapping Gun's fingers between his own, with his eyes focused on the other’s face. 

“When was it?” Gun asks voice barely a whisper. So eager to know.

“Not telling you,” Tinn says with a bratty tone, letting go of Gun’s hands with a whim.

“Tinn…” Gun mutters with a half annoyed half amused tone of voice. 

Tinn tries to get away from Gun, but the latter is quicker, and in seconds Tinn is trapped under his body with his weight pressing him against the mattress.

“Still not telling me?” Gun asks in another whisper, too close to Tinn’s heated face. 

“Not telling!” Tinn's reply is stubborn. And it inevitably causes a glorious laugh from Gun. 

“You’re so cute,” Gun’s voice is full of endearment. Following up his instincts Gun leans in to steal a kiss from Tinn. But Tinn is not as weak as he has been before (he is but he’s also stubborn), so he quickly avoids contact with Gun’s lips. Making the other frown slightly and when Tinn doesn’t give in, Gun just laughs it off, shaking his head in disbelief. “Alright, let me think about it…”

Gun takes a few minutes to think it through and remember the exact moment. 

“Oh, I think I know when!” He says with enthusiasm. “Remember our first stayover?” he asks, to which Tinn just nods with built-up regained excitement. “The last day you asked me to look into your eyes, and when I did it, my heart started beating like crazy. I knew I felt different about you then. After that, it was a complete rollercoaster of emotions… you know how it went, and how it ends.” Gun finishes in a whisper, looking at Tinn with intensity. 

Tinn can’t contain the wide smile that spreads on his lips. They talked about this when they shared their first real kiss, but he never knew that had been the changing moment for Gun's feelings to make the switch from despising him to having a crush on him. It’s such pleasant information, he can’t contain his excitement and drags his boyfriend in a tight hug.

Kissing him all over his pretty face too. 

“Don’t sugarcoat me…” Gun says with fake annoyance. “I wanna know when was yours too.”

“You already know when was mine…” Tinn says with a mischievous smile. That just grows bigger at the sight of pure confusion displayed on Gun’s face. 

“Remember that time we were talking on the phone, going through the questions for the MV?” Tinn asks and Gun just nods. “That time, you asked me which was my happiest memory and I said that it was when a boy sang for me on my birthday when I was lonely eating the ice cream the same boy had given to me…”

Gun’s facial expression is a poem. A confused and blushing mess. So cute. Tinn might add.

“The moment you sang for me on my fifteenth birthday, was also the moment when my feelings started. Since that moment I knew you were the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life…” 

Silence falls upon them. And insecurity settles on Tinn making him feel embarrassed and insecure of his words. Was it too much of a confession? 

He’s not afraid of the intensity of his feelings but maybe for Gun can be overwhelming. So he hurries and tries to soften his words, making them a bit less scary. But suddenly every attempt to do anything dies on Tinn's lips which are being kissed with a contrasting combination of tenderness and passion.

“Every time I think I can’t love you more, you prove me wrong…” Gun mutters against Tinn’s lips, nuzzling at the soft skin before he crushes their lips together once again and again. He kept going like that multiple times, starting an endless kissing session that developed into much more by the rest of the night.

The echoes of the memory linger in the air, thickening it, and making it hard for Gun to breathe. The truth of those last few words remains as truthful as it has always been. 

Gun gives a last look at his mother, looking at her as his entire world is shaken. He recognizes the knowing look on his mother’s face but before she can say anything he runs towards the exit. Going after him, because this time he is not willing to make the same mistake as before. He’s not letting him go again. Never again.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 7: It wasn’t over for me

When Gun arrives at the school, he’s agitated, desperately looking for any signal from Tinn. But he’s nowhere to be found. On his way to the ballroom where the reunion is being held, he changes his mind and direction, and heads to another sector of the school.

The halls to the council room are empty, everyone crowding into the center of the school instead. Gun spots the council room just in time to see Kajorn coming out of it. 

“Jorn! Have you seen Tinn?” He asks rushing towards him. 

“He’s inside.” Jorn answers in a quiet tone. 

But when Gun tries to walk past him to enter the council room. Jorn's firm grip stops him from moving. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Phi,” Jorn says with the same quiet tone like he doesn't want to alert the person inside the council room—Tinn, of Gun’s presence. “Give him some time…” he adds with a reassuring small smile. 

Gun can picture the state Jorn has found Tinn in. He can't help but worry and want to see him right away to make sure he's okay, but at the same time, he's afraid that showing himself to him right now might only make things worse. 

“You’re probably right. —Gun admits.— I just wanted to make sure that he’s alright. Is he?” he asks letting out a long sigh filled with worry. “Should we call someone?” he adds, wanting to do more, anything to help Tinn. 

“He’s okay. Just needs time and space to calm down. I will—” Jorn’s words are cut off by the sudden appearance of Gun Chinnzilla band’s members.

“Ai’Gun! What are you doing here? They’re waiting for us on the stage!” Phat exclaims. 

Gun looks at Jorn apologetically and the latter just nods with understanding. So Gun turns to follow his friends, but before leaving he turns again this time to face Jorn with pleading eyes, “Take care of him, please” he begs, and the younger one nods in agreement. 

After that, Gun leaves with his friends.

***

When Tinn arrives at the school he’s in a full panic attack, he barely registers any of his surroundings and just manages to make it to the school thanks to the muscle memory of his feet that took him there by instinct. 

After minutes of wandering around the school, he finds himself near the council room, probably the safest place his mind could think of taking him to. There he meets Kajorn and he helps him without asking unnecessary questions about the state he just found Tinn in. 

Tinn is a lot calmer after a few more minutes, Jorn has helped him calm down keeping him company inside the old council room. The latter is unsure about leaving the room but he's been called to help outside so he doesn't have any other option, he's even more worried when the time of the main presentation is announced through the speakers. Tinn isn't surprised though, he had suspected before, the recent announcement by the MC of the event just confirmed his initial suspicion; Chinzilla is the band performing that afternoon.

Jorn suggests that Tinn should stay in the council room until he feels completely recovered and calm, even though both of them know exactly the reason why he's suggesting it. Tinn appreciates he doesn’t mention anything about it. And to the surprise of both of them, Tinn listens. Mostly, cause he’s not so sure he’ll be able to handle another meltdown caused by the memories of the songs the band is surely going to interpret.

Jorns leaves, with the promise of coming back to check on Tinn once he's done helping around outside. As he leaves, Tinn can hear him talk to someone outside the council room but he doesn’t pay much attention to it, mainly focusing on keeping his pulse and breathing under control. 

Tinn is left alone, and no one is outside the council room anymore, several minutes later the music starts playing. And even though he’s on the other side of the school, he’s still able to listen. Tinn handles the first songs pretty well even though he feels his heart is about to explode from all the memories evoked by the music, but when ‘Let me tell you’ sounds through the speakers. Tinn has had enough. 

He gets out of the council room ready to leave the school once and for all. But his mind once again has different plans. For some reason, he ends up on the side of the school he should not be for the sake of his heart and his feelings but once again, he can’t help it.

And as he stands in front of the pool, he’s immediately hit with a painful memory, taken back almost three years ago.

They’re fighting again. 

“All I’m saying is that I don’t like the way this manager treats you!” Tinn exclaims getting increasingly frustrated. “It’s not professional, and at times is even invasive, and rude!” 

“I know! You think I don’t know? Of course, I know and I don’t like it either, but there’s nothing I can do about it!” Gun exclaims equally frustrated. 

“There are options Gun. You could try and sign up with the record Por mentioned. I’m sure they would treat you better there.” 

“Signing up with these people would mean lots of things, Tinn…” 

“Like what?”

“You wouldn't understand…”  

“Try to explain it to me then, so I can understand. ‘Cause I’m just—” 

“The company wants to send us in a tuor among the region,” Gun blurts out all of a sudden, cutting out Tinn’s words. “They want us to do lots of events and concerts, I can’t just leave to sign with a new one.” Gun finishes looking at Tinn with caution. 

It takes a while for the information to set in Tinn’s mind. It’s not like Gun hasn’t gone on trips with the band before, but that’s exactly the point, those were just trips, from just three days to a week nothing more extended than that. Touring, on the other hand, means Gun would be gone for weeks even months. 

Tinn wants to show some excitement because it is a great opportunity, but he can't bring himself to do so. 

Not when his entire world is trembling around him. 

“What— Why… why haven't you said anything? When did it happen?” Tinn shakes his head slightly to clear it. “I'm not complaining or anything. I'm just… so confused. When?”  

“They’ve been talking about it for a few weeks now. I was trying to find the right moment to tell you, but I couldn’t. I…” 

He can imagine so many other moments better than this, Tinn thinks. 

A thick and suffocating silence settles between them. 

“What– what are you gonna do?” Tinn asks with a trembling voice. But he’s too anxious to care. 

“I want to accept and sign up contract with them…” Gun confesses, his eyes never leaving Tinn’s face. 

The affirmation hit right where Tinn’s heart is pounding like crazy. He knows he should be supporting Gun in his decision. But he can’t bring himself to do it. He’s feeling too much at the same time. His thoughts are fuzzy and terrifying, he feels lost. So freaking lost.

The next thing Gun says just makes everything so much worse. 

“I know about the offer the faculty made to you, to go study abroad...” he begins, looking at Tinn with caution, expectantly.

“How?” That is the only thing Tinn can ask. 

“I saw one of the papers they sent you. I found it in the mail by accident,” Gun says apologetically. “I don’t want to hold you back Tinn…”

Tinn’s head snaps back up in a sudden movement. His heart, which had been beating like crazy before, stops beating for a few seconds, taking his breath away, and freezing him on the spot. 

One of his biggest fears is manifesting itself right in front of him, and he’s not ready. 

It can’t be happening. No no no… please no. He repeats in his mind over and over again.

“W-What… do you mean?” he asks with his voice now shaking fearfully.

“It might be the best for both of us…” Gun whispers, averting his eyes from the trembling figure that is Tinn.

More minutes of pained silence pass. 

“Are you implying that we… that w-we…” He can’t say it. Gun also doesn't seem to be able to say it, because he just nods. A painfully slow movement. 

Tinn’s throat tightens and he can no longer speak even if he tries to. 

“We keep fighting all the time. I'm afraid that we’ll end up hurting each other deeply if we don’t do something about it, about this, —he says pointing to the space between the two of them— I don’t want that for us, Tinn” Gun says, his voice sounding as painfully strained as Tinn’s.

“We could make it work…” Tinn whispers, pouring his last hopes on the remaining of his voice. “Long distant relationships can work, it's just a matter of commitment and commu—”

“We can't even make it work now that we're still physically together...” Gun objects, cutting off Tinn’s words and hopes. Tinn dares to look at him, and he looks hopeless. 

He's already given up on them.

Tinn can’t hold it in anymore. The first tears slide silently down his cheeks.

Just the mere thought of them breaking up, had his heart hanging by a thread. About to break at the slightest movement. And now that the possibility is imminent, laid out in the open, he can’t bear it.

He can’t take it anymore. He needs fresh air to breathe, he needs room to crumble down properly. He needs to get out of here. 

“T-This c-can't be happening. I– I need to... I can’t…” Tinn mumbles in a cracked voice.

“Tinn…” Gun whispers sounding even more helpless.

But Tinn is already on the move, walking past him into the bedroom they share.

Once he’s in the bedroom, Tinn tries to think clearly. Gun words carry truth in them, he knows it. The signals have been there for a while now. This was the direction they were heading with all that fighting and all that space they let set between them. He knows it well, but that doesn't stop his heart from ripping apart.

His entire world is breaking down and he has no idea how to stop it, what to do, or how to even react. Should he stop him? 

Should he get on his knees and beg for another change? If he gets a second chance, would it end as bad as this one? Were they not meant to be together? Are they really that bad for each other?

Are they really breaking up???

A small whimper escapes from the depths of his throat through his trembling lips, and it is at that moment that he realizes that he has started to cry nonstop. He crumbles down on the edge of the bed and holds on to it in an attempt to try to contain himself. He is helpless though, his tears are now unstoppable. 

A few minutes of intense crying later he hears the sound of an income call and a conversation starting. This works as motivation for him to get back moving. He needs to leave. That was the goal in the first place. 

He gets up from the edge of the bed and gathers some clothes and personal items to put them all together in a small bag. When he has everything and has also gathered enough courage to get out there again, he brings himself out of the room. 

Gun is still in the middle of the living room. Now seated on the couch with his head buried in between his hands as he hovers over himself. Tinn’s sudden appearance catches his attention. He stands up from his seat, hands now hanging on his sides and head tilting low, his gaze immediately focuses on the bag Tinn is carrying with him. 

“Tinn, you don’t have to leave. In any case, I should be the one leaving. Can we just talk and—” He’s saying as he gets closer, but Tinn stops him holding up one of his hands in front of him. 

“I can’t talk right now. I need time and space to… deal with it. I need time, Gun. Please…” Tinn whispers with a broken tone of voice, afraid of crumbling down again like his voice just did. 

“Tinn…” He whispers back, with such a strained voice, that Tinn needs to look at him, but he regrets it immediately. Gun’s eyes are filled with unshed tears, red at the edges, and filled with hurt. As Tinn assumes his are.  

“I need time, Gun…” Tinn repeats like a mantra, a prayer, a plea. He wants to leave but is unable to move.  

“O-Of course. Anything you need…” Gun mutters, his voice cracking at the end, just like the hold he has on his tears, that now fall free down his cheeks. 

And that’s a sight Tinn had never been able to stand. And tonight was not the exception. 

He averts his eyes from the crying figure of Gun and continues his way out. But stops right in the middle of the hallway. When he turns around, Gun is still there in the middle of the living room. One of his hands is placed on his chest scrunching his shirt as if he’s trying to hold onto his pounding heart, while the other one is grabbing his nose tightly as he wrinkles his face in a failed attempt to stop his crying. 

Another sob escapes from Tinn's mouth at the sight that holds so many memories. And he can’t stop himself from going up to Gun to warp his arms around him. 

At the contact, Gun stiffened for a few seconds. But when he feels the familiar warmth he leans into the hug, holding onto Tinn tightly. Both their crying intensifies, flowing now with absolute freedom, careless and painful.

“Are we really doing this…?” Tinn asks in a broken whisper after a few minutes of crying curled into each other's arms. Staring deep into the other’s eyes. Gun’s expression looks as hopeless as his. 

“I don’t know…” He whispers, defenseless. 

“I don’t want to. Can we…” Tinn interrupts himself, slightly out of breath due to all the crying. “Can we try one more time?” They stare into each other’s eyes for a few more seconds. 

And Gun throws himself into Tinn’s arms again as he eagerly nods in agreement. 

“Don’t leave, please. I can’t bear the sight of you leaving…” Gun whispers and Tinn just hugs him tightly. 

They won’t let go of each other that night. Trapped in each other's arms all night long.

But that doesn't change the outcome of everything.

Their attempt to save their relationship fails months later when they finally break up. And on this occasion, the decision to break up comes from both of them in a mutual agreement that at that moment seems like the best solution. It seems better to part ways before their different careers get in between them breaking them apart in a more painful way.

This time they don't get to hug one last time, instead this time Gun is left standing alone in the middle of their living room as he watches the boy he loves walk out the door, out of their apartment, and out of his life, unable to do anything to stop him.

***

When Gun makes it out of the stage he goes directly to the council room but finds it empty. It takes just a few seconds for his mind to figure out where the person he’s so eagerly looking for could be. 

He arrives at the pool slightly out of breath, due to the running he did to the place. He spots Tinn standing near the edge of the pool. He spends the next few minutes just looking at him, taking in the familiar space around them.

Is like Tinn could feel his presence there, cause just when Gun’s about to approach him, Tinn turns around and they both end up startled by the other strong gaze. 

A silence charged with different feelings and emotions falls upon them, making it even more difficult to breathe or talk. After a few seconds of suffocating silence, Gun continues with his advances and reaches the edge of the pool. Stepping closer to a stunned Tinn, but not as close as he would like to.

“You sang well,” Tinn finally speaks after what seems like an eternity of silently staring at each other. 

Gun's facial expression shifts into an awkwardly uncomfortable one like he has been caught in a lie. “You heard.” It’s the only thing Gun’s able to say. 

“I’m sorry.” He adds, voice so soft, he’s almost whispering. Tinn isn’t sure what Gun's apologizing for, but the softness of his voice stirs the unraven emotions that are having a battle in his chest. “I said I’ll ask if you ever want to listen to that song again, and yet I didn’t. I…” 

To that point and statement Tinn is completely helpless. And without him realizing it, he starts crying once again, too sensible and shaken by the other’s words.

Gun’s heart breaks a little more at the sight of the boy he had always loved crying in front of him. 

“I’m sorry…” Gun whispers again, with a knot in the back of his throat. “I’m sorry Tinn” he repeats with frenzy, almost like a mantra. 

They stare into each other’s eyes for long minutes until Tinn decides it’s been enough crying for the day and attempts to leave, but Gun stops him grabbing him gently by the forearm. 

“Please, don’t.” Gun begs, voice trembling. “Don’t leave. Not again… please. I can’t bear it…” he whispers his voice finally breaking.

At that point, both of them are openly crying, letting out quiet noises when is too hard to breathe and cry at the same time. 

“I–I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything I said. For what I did, but mostly… for what I didn’t do…” Gun says with his broken heart pounding like crazy, looking at Tinn intensely. 

“Why are you apologizing for exactly?” Tinn asks tearing his eyes away from Gun just for seconds, unable to keep up with the intense eye contact they’re having but at the same time he also can keep his eyes off him for too long so he’s back looking at him when he says: “It was a mutual decision, we both agreed on break—”

“I know!” Gun interrupts him. As if he couldn't bear the mere mention of the word. “I know we both agreed on it. But I should’ve… I should’ve said something because…” He says as he covers his face with both his hands when the feelings are too overwhelming. Moving a hand to his chest to ease the pain he’s feeling there, he continues while Tinn is looking at him expectantly. 

“It wasn’t over for me, Tinn…” Gun confesses, taking Tinn’s breath away. “It has never been over, not for me…” he adds whispering the last thing, and feeling more confident he gets a bit closer to a stunned Tinn. “I’ve missed you since the very first moment you crossed that apartment door,” he adds daring to get even closer while Tinn remains in his place, not moving at all. 

Their crying has slowed down a little, but when Gun cops Tinn’s face between his hands to gently caress it, both of them break down in a new wave of tears. 

“I regret many things from that night. But the one I regret the most is letting you go…” Gun says staring dearly at Tinn’s face which is showered with endless tears. “And what I said that night… It wasn’t true. Damn me, if it ever was. B-Breaking up was never the solution. We could’ve… I could’ve… —He's been wanting to say the words that are now stuck in the back of his throat for so long. That he needs to muster all his courage to do it. —In my life, nothing has ever been more important than you, than us. I took us for granted, took you for granted, and lost everything as a result… —he exhales, his courage almost breaking completely before he says, with a pleading tone in his voice —Would you forgive me?”

But Tinn is unable to answer, he’s unable to do any other thing than wasn't cry his pain off. 

“Tinn…” Gun says with such a pleading tone that is barely a whisper. 

My precious boy, he wants to say but stops himself from doing it as he painfully watches his boy cry. What he can’t stop himself from doing is taking his thumbs up to caress the other's cheeks, helplessly trying to erase the traces the tears have left on the soft skin. “I’m not asking for more. I know that wouldn’t be fair. All I ask is forgiveness, maybe this way my heart settle and it’ll finally be able to move on, just like you have—”

Tinn’s sudden answer cuts Gun’s words off. 

“I haven’t,” Tinn whispers, making Gun’s heart shudder a little. Regaining some composure, Tinn gently removes Gun's hands from his face before saying. “Does it look like I have moved on?” Tinn asks with a sad smile on his tear-stained face, holding Gun’s hands between his.

“What does that mean?” Gun asks in a quiet voice as if he were scared that speaking too loud would somehow break the moment. 

“Means, that… I have never blamed you for anything. It was a mutual decision… breaking up —he says with difficulty, and Gun just closes his eyes when he hears the word, feeling helpless—, What we said and did that night, was painful for both of us. But it was partly true. You were right. We would’ve hurt each other if we continued insisting on being together as we were dealing with so much back then. I was stubborn at first. Didn’t want to lose what we had. So focus on my fears, that I didn’t realize we were slowly breaking apart.”

Gun wants to say so many things but he’s only able to nod in agreement.

“We didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other, Gun. I think that’s crystal clear. Feelings have always been there. And they will continue to be there. Always. You… —Tinn interrupts himself to take one of Gun’s hands to place it delicately on his chest, on the spot where his heart keeps beating agitatedly— You own a piece of my heart if not all of it. It has never stopped beating with the same intensity for you. Just for you.

Tinn confesses and Gun closes his eyes again this time shaking with anticipation. And without fear of being rejected, he gets even closer to Tinn, until he’s able to rest his forehead on Tinn’s. The latter stays there, taking in their closeness with familiar comfort. 

“Does that mean that we could try a—?” Gun dared to ask in a whisper, his suggestion dying a little at the end as he felt Tinn’s heart rate increase slightly at his implied suggestion. 

“It means that I apologize too...” Tinn says, cutting off Gun's words. And after making a small pause he adds. “I apologize for letting my fears blind me and not trying hard enough to keep us together. But, umm...” 

Agonizing seconds pass as Tinn retakes the courage to finish what he is saying. 

“I’m still scared, Gun.” He lets out with a shaky voice, the hand that still holds Gun’s hand against his chest tightens into a fist. “I’m scared that if we try again and it doesn’t work, it’ll end up breaking us entirely. I wouldn't be able to take it. I... I need some time,” he says a bit embarrassed to share his fears and feelings.

Gun nods in understanding. He understands Tinn’s fears perfectly and will never put pressure on him. Never. However, he’s willing to try. And thanks to Tinn’s words he’s feeling more hopeful than ever.

Gun’s eyes light up when he remembers something Tinn has done before. And without a second thought, Gun takes one of Tinn's hands he's still holding and takes it to his lips, where he places a soft kiss. 

“Here. I reserve.” He says, making Tinn smile softly at the memory. It doesn't go unnoticed to Tinn how Gun has changed the kiss placement from the cheek to his hand, probably out of respect for his previous request for time. Moved by his action, Tinn mirrors the gesture, and takes one of Gun’s hands to his own lips, kissing too the skin gently. 

“First, Don’t steal my lines. And Second, I reserve too” Tinn says teasingly. And Gun can’t stop the laugh that slips with joy out of him. 

“I’ve missed you so damn much,” Gun says with a bright smile on his face, and then he brings the hand Tinn has kissed back to his lips and kisses the same place where the touch of Tinn’s lips still lingers, creating that way an indirect kiss.

Tinn's smile grows bigger and the next thing he finds himself doing is pulling Gun in for a hug.

They hug for what seems like an eternity but is probably just a few minutes. Minutes that seem to be enough to heal their aching hearts that are finally finding some peace, in the only place they've always felt at ease; the other's embrace. 

In their previous attempt of a relationship, Tinn has been the one taking the big steps. Like; confessing his feelings first, or proposing to move in together. Now it's Gun's turn, and he's ready to give it his all. He will beg for a new opportunity if necessary and if given, he will win his boy over once again, and this time he will never let him go.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 8: Second first date

“Doctor Tinnapob, someone is waiting for you at the cafeteria!” his friend Mai shouts when he enters the room full of nurses and other doctors. 

Apparently, It has become a habit of the staff (his friend included in it) to call his name in the middle of everywhere as if he were a lost patient. And Tinn doesn’t know how to react to it. It makes him feel needed and it keeps him busy, but most of the time, it’s just embarrassing. 

Tinn looked at his friend, embarrassed but curious, although he could imagine who was the person waiting for him just by his friend's expression. The older doctor has been teasing him a lot about the constant visits of said person for the past two weeks. It’s not like he could know something, but Tinn can’t help but be cautious about his constant teasing. 

Nothing is happening anyway. Tinn reminds himself. 

Gun has been visiting him at the hospital with frequency the past two weeks, but not for the reasons his friend suspects or at least Tinn thinks his friend suspects. 

They’re just friends, he reminds his friend and himself. 

Just old friends re-connecting after a long time of not seeing each other. He says, you know, like a liar. 

“Do you need to shout like that every time for everyone to hear it?” Tinn asks shaking his head in disapproval, as he gets closer to his friend. 

“I didn’t know it was a secret. Are you having a secret affair with your old friend?—he gestures quotation marks in the air when he says the last two words and Tinn can’t help but roll his eyes for the nth time that day—Should I keep it quiet next time he visits?” 

"You are insufferable, Phi," Tinn complains yet again. 

“Enjoy your lunch, Nong. Say hi to your old friend for me. Tell him I can’t wait to officially meet him.”

To that, Tinn simply waves him off as he gets out of the room on his way to the cafeteria. 

***

On his way to the cafeteria, Tinn can hear the murmurings caused by the presence of a famous person in the building. Gun has mentioned on his previous visits that he technically is not allowed to show himself in public this frequently, not without at least notifying his manager, but he continues to keep coming to have lunch with Tinn nearly daily. Tinn can’t help but feel somehow moved by the other’s persistence to keep coming despite the problems this might cause him.

Once he’s at the cafeteria, he spots him seated in one corner. He’s not looking up front, so Tinn can take a few minutes to just look at him, taking in the beautiful view in front of him. He always knew that Gun would conquer the masses with his beautiful voice, cute face, and overall beautiful heart. He’s simply charming in every sense of the word. However, his beauty never fails to take him by surprise and Tinn finds himself lost in admiration and wonder. 

Because, how can someone be this cute and the next moment be so fucking hot? 

He thinks as he sees the way Gun plays with his hair absently, slightly hunching into himself as if he wanted to go unnoticed, failing miserably 'cause the more Tinn gets closer, the more he notices how the other is stealing sighs and glances from the people around him without even noticing it. He looks unfairly attractive, Tinn himself feels suddenly out of breath just by looking at him, so he can’t blame the people around him for falling deep into the singer’s charms. Tinn shakes his head slightly to clear it as he finally approaches him.

“Trying to be subtle?” He asks in a teasing whisper once he’s right next to Gun.  

The latter raised his head, startled by his sudden appearance despite Tinn's attempts to be quiet and careful with his walk and talk.

“Hey,” he greets almost in a whisper, smiling brightly at Tinn. 

And… oh, how beautiful is his smile.  

Tinn is not immune to his charms. Nor to his charming smile, he has never been. So, he better take a seat before melting on the spot.  

“Were you waiting for me?” Tinn asks already knowing the answer but pleased to hear it anyway. 

“Always…” Gun says in a barely audible murmur, looking at Tinn intently in the eyes. They’re lost in each other’s eyes for a few minutes until Tinn clears his throat to bring both of them back to reality. 

“So…” Tinn’s about to start in a low whisper but is easily distracted by Gun’s shy smile and giggles. 

“Umm… yeah. I’m… Have you eaten?” He asks, avoiding Tinn’s eyes as he moves his hands all over the edge of the table, in a cute mannerism he does whenever he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “I brought food for both of us.” 

“You made it yourself?” Tinn asks, both amazed and excited. It’s been so long since he had Gun’s food, and weeks since he had an enjoyable meal.

Gun nods in response, feeling a little shy, and sheepishly asks: “Wanna try it?” 

“Of course!” Tinn answers, smiling with reassurance. Barely containing the excitement caused by the thoughtful gesture, because Gun, despite his busy schedule and restrictions, still found time to cook something for them to enjoy together. He's too good to Tinn's heart. 

“Is it good?” Gun asks expectantly, right after Tinn takes his first bite. The food is also good for Tinn's heart, like a warmth and comfortable hug. 

“It is!” Tinn answers with his mouth still full of food. To that Gun’s smile grows even bigger and brighter. 

So damn beautiful. Tinn thinks, losing himself in the other’s beautiful features. 

Gun looks at Tinn with a fond smile before he says, “Ohoo, still a messy eater as always, aren’t you Doctor Tinnapob?” he teases stressing the sound of the last letter with an adorable accent as he gets closer, to clean the corner of Tinn’s mouth that is stained with drops of sauce. Tinn’s smile grows bigger, and he has to use all his willpower to not push his lips forward to place a small kiss into Gun’s little fingers. 

They share a longing look, and once they’re done sharing the food. Gun places the empty containers aside and takes a deep breath as he turns to look back at Tinn. Shifting in place repeatedly, looking uncomfortable suddenly.

“Do you have shift this weekend?” He finally asks after a few seconds of silence. 

Tinn takes a few seconds to think about it. And he remembers that he doesn’t have a shift this weekend. He informs Gun, and the latter seems to be content with the news.

“Would you like to go to Sound and Win’s bar?” He asks, looking at Tinn intently as he plays nervously with a paper napkin trapped in between his fingers. “We’ll be playing there this weekend.” He adds, looking still nervous, now tapping his fingers on the table.

Tinn smiles fondly, finding it incredibly adorable the way the other expresses his nervousness. He had always found the other’s mannerisms deeply endearing, and it seems like that hasn’t changed much as the years go by.

“I’d love that,” Tinn says with the soft smile never leaving his face as a familiar warmth spreads on his chest, making him feel like he’s floating and as happy as he was years ago.

***

The weekend approached faster than ever. Tinn finds himself unable to stop the excitement creeping within him. It feels like he’s living his teenage dream all over again, drizzling with excitement just at the thought of going out with his crush, who once was his boyfriend, then became his ex, and now is back at being his… Tinn’s not sure what they are right now. But the excitement and the hopes blooming in his chest feel just right. 

As Tinn arrives at the place, he spots Gun up on stage, already performing. The amazing performance instantly draws his attention. It’s truly mesmerizing. Tinn notices he’s not the only one being captivated, of course, he’s not. The audience interacts enthusiastically with the band’s performance, gathering and engaging at the edge of the stage as Gun moves closer to them to hit some high notes gracefully. 

Tinn quickly finds himself getting closer to the stage too, lost in the mesmerizing performance. Gun has always been amazing when he’s on the stage. But now, singing this type of song with a darker and more mature tone. He’s even more captivating. 

Tinn is completely at a loss, struggling to walk past the tables and the crowd to get even closer to the stage. He’s trying to walk properly but his eyes are too focused on the performer shining bright in front of him, too lost on how sexy he finds the outfit Gun is wearing; a simple pair of black jeans that hug his legs perfectly, together with a tank top of the same color. He knows he’s staring, devouring the singer with his eyes, but so are the others in the crowd. 

However, the one that gets caught in the singer’s eyes is not other than him, and that alone makes him squirm with excitement.

Gun’s eyes seem to find Tinn with ease in the middle of the small crowd. The smile on the singer’s face grows bigger when his eyes land on Tinn, making the heart of the doctor beat faster in his chest once again filling it with that warmth that has started to become familiar again. As Tinn mirrors Gun’s smile and encourages him with supporting thumbs-ups he feels the weight of an arm fall over his shoulder and when he turns around, he finds his best friend by his side. 

“There, there, there…” Tiw croons with a teasing tone and a mischievous smile that assures Tinn the teasing has just begun.

With a last look at the stage, Tinn allows Tiw to drag him to the table where the others are seated. As Tinn greets the few people he recognizes at the table, his best friend’s teasing continues. 

“Captivated much by the performance, Khun Mo?” Tiw teases, sharing a knowing look with Por. Tinn only manages to shake his head slightly while a soft blush creeps to his ears, showing his embarrassment at being caught so easily staring with dreamy eyes at the one that is still, well… his ex.

Damn. Gun is still his ex. He better remember that.

As the teasing continues encouraged by the annoying couple at his side. Tinn can only be grateful that Gun continues on the stage talking with his bandmates even when they’re over with the performance, too focused on whatever he’s talking with his friends to take part in any of the teasing unfolding on the table at Tinn’s expense. 

***

After a while, Tinn gets up from the table and goes to the restroom, mostly as an excuse to avoid Tiw and Por teasing.

On his way back from the bathroom he spots Gun on the side of the stage near the restroom way. He is discussing with the one Tinn recognizes as his manager. Tinn stops in his tracks as the conversation increases in intensity, he doesn’t want to meddle since is not really his problem but can’t help but be worried when he notices the older man is getting all worked up, nagging at the singer who’s clearly upset about whatever it is they’re talking about.

As Tinn gets closer, and ready to interfere if necessary, he manages to hear Gun’s angry words: “Stop trying to control our every move! You put us on hiatus, didn’t you? Well now, leave us the fuck alone!” 

The manager seems to be as surprised as Tinn is at Gun’s angry expression. It’s so unexpected the older man doesn’t even know how to react. But Tinn does know. And he doesn’t bother to hide the smile that spreads on his lips, 'cause wasn’t that freaking amazing and satisfying to hear? 

And also ridiculously hot?

Gun’s snapping out like that at his invasive manager shouldn’t be this attractive. But it is. So. Fucking. Hot. Tinn finds himself eager to congratulate the singer for such an achievement. 

Tinn is so immersed in his wild thoughts about the other hotness just recently multiplied by a thousand that he doesn’t realize he’s not hiding properly until the manager’s angry figure is right in front of him. Tinn registers he’s on the way a second later and, unfazed by the older man’s annoyed expression, he moves to the side, following the other with his eyes as he leaves. 

Tinn’s still looking at the older man’s back when he feels Gun approaches him by his side. Tinn looks back at Gun with an apologetic look, feeling somehow uncomfortable at being caught witnessing their exchange. He is about to apologize for unintentionally intruding when he feels Gun suddenly wraps his arms around him as he nuzzles his head in the crook of Tinn’s neck, getting incredibly closer and comfortable.

 “I’m glad you are here,” Gun says and relief washes over both of them. 

I’m glad to be here. I’m proud of you. Tinn wants to say but instead allows himself to just enjoy the sudden hug and closeness.

“You did amazing,” Tinn says after a while, once they have freed each other from the other’s embrace. He means both, his performance and his setting up boundaries with his invasive manager, and Gun seems to understand because a soft blush creeps to his already rosy cheeks.

“Thanks,” He says shyly, getting easily flustered. Tinn’s instant desire is to fill those beautiful cheeks with soft kisses. 

Instead, they walk to the table where their friends wait for them. Tinn can see the curious look Tiw is firing in their direction and he’s not willing to be the aim of his insane best friend teasing again, so he excuses himself by going for drinks.

On the table, Gun is the inevitable target of all the teasing and questions his friends make. His bandmates are the most interested in his relationship with the handsome doctor, as they keep calling Tinn. He manages to dodge all the questions and teasing successfully until one of his friends mentions something that steals everyone’s attention. 

“Your doctor is stealing everyone’s attention tonight, even from strangers,” his friend says, pointing to a spot on the bar where Tinn is ordering drinks. Gun would like to focus on the fact that his friends keep calling Tinn ‘his handsome doctor’ but unfortunately he’s unable to fight the urge to shift on his seat and stare at the spot his friend pointed, and there he finds Tinn talking to a group of strangers. 

The group of boys and girls giggle at something Tinn says and Gun is dying to know what’s so funny, jealousy creeping awfully into his chest and mind. Tiw teases him even more. But Gun doesn’t care and doesn’t even try to mask his expression or hide his discomfort. He’s jealous, he has always been when is about Tinn and doesn’t care if his bandmates or everyone notices.

He keeps shifting uncomfortably in his seat, staring without blinking at the place where Tinn keeps talking with the group of strangers. The frown doesn’t disappear from his face until Tinn is walking back to their table. Gun is smiling at the sight of Tinn struggling to carry all the drinks he has ordered in his hands, he’s about to get up from his seat to go help him when his attention wanders again and is until then that he realizes Tinn’s not alone, the group of strangers has followed him to their table and the smile on Gun’s face falls again. He still gets up from his seat to go to his help.

The group of strangers introduces themselves as fans of their band. It turns out they were talking to Tinn about the amazing performance the band had made, telling him they had noticed he was with the band and asking him to please introduce them to the group, especially the lead singer. Gun knows he should feel flattered and probably interact a bit more with the group of fans, but he decides to leave that to his bandmates, who enjoy this kind of interaction more, anyway. Instead, he focuses all his attention and energy on the handsome man seated by his side. 

Tinn seems to be relaxed, talking to anyone who would engage him in conversation. He looks so attractive like this, Gun can’t help but stare at him nonstop. He loses track of time, and can’t tell how many minutes have passed since Tinn has returned to the table, but apparently, it has been enough for Tinn to notice his constant staring, not that Gun has tried to hide it, anyway. 

“You keep staring, Gun,” He says with that deep voice that drives Gun crazy. 

Damn, he can feel the hairs on the back of his neck bristling. 

“Can’t help it. I’ve always liked to look at pretty things,” Gun says with a smirk, loving how his words make Tinn stir in his place and turn at him with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

“You’re calling me a pretty thing?” He asks, not surprised but teasing, the mirth still in his pretty eyes. 

“The prettiest one here,” Gun says, sounding completely smitten even to himself. No caring who listens. Who cares, if it makes the smile on Tinn’s face brighten is worth the risk.

“Your fans might want to disagree,” He says, stealing a glance at said fans who ignore them to interact enthusiastically with the rest of the band. 

“Agree to disagree…” Gun whispers, getting closer to Tinn, narrowing the space between them with his eyes still focused on the other’s smiling face. He wants to close completely the space between them and kiss Tinn so badly, that he gotta retrain himself from doing it while focusing his mind on a different thing; Tinn’s hands. Sneaking one of his hands under the table, he grabs one of Tinn’s, and caresses his knuckles as he asks, “Wanna dance with me?”

This makes Tinn giggle a little, delighted at the way Gun seems to be shy when he asks him to dance. A combination of shyness and hopefulness washes over Tinn. He’s so in love, has always been. How could he deny him anything? So, he just nods as he slightly squeezes Gun’s hand, still in his own.  

They move to the place that has been set aside to function as a dance floor. There is no music to dance to, but they start swinging around, nonetheless. Soon the music starts playing out of nowhere, setting the atmosphere around them just right. 

The couple that owns the bar watches them from afar with a knowing smile on their faces. Joining the couple at the table in playing Cupid for their friends.

“We still have the moves,” Tinn whispers right in one of Gun’s ears, making the boy tremble between his arms. Spinning him around, Tinn smiles at Gun’s flustered reaction. 

“We do…” Gun whispers back, holding onto Tinn with dear life, as he feels himself start getting lightheaded and dazed. 

They dance to a few more songs, not really caring about the music or their surroundings. Everything they care about is between their arms staring deep into each other’s eyes. The more they get close, the faster Gun’s breathing becomes. Having Tinn this close to him feels almost surreal. He tries to focus on controlling his breathing, but every detail from the other's handsome face is stealing his focus and making concentrating on anything other than Tinn himself very difficult.

One more spin let them even closer to each other. Gun’s hands are now placed on the back of Tinn’s neck, right where they belong. Caressing the back of his neck, Gun finally masters enough courage to ask Tinn the question he has been wanting to ask throughout the past two weeks.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” he burls out, heart beating so fast he can feel it pulsing in his ears. Tinn just looked at him, stretching the silence between them enough to make Gun nervous. 

Is it too much? Too soon? He did ask for time… but it has been two weeks since then. How much time will he need? Gun doesn’t want to pressure him. Fuck… was he pressuring him???

At that last thought, Gun’s anxiety takes over. That’s the last thing he wants to do. Growing increasingly uncomfortable with the silence settled between them, he tries to downplay his offer made because of his impulses. “W-We don’t have to, of course!—he says looking everywhere but Tinn—It’s probably too soon… I just thought, that umm… Forget I asked!” Gun finishes, untangling his hands from the back of Tinn’s neck, putting a bit of distance between them. He needs space to think properly. He doesn’t know what to do with himself now, so he just stays there, shifting awkwardly on his feet, not knowing what to do or say next. 

Tinn observes him for a few more seconds. Delighted by the other’s way of cutely struggling with his embarrassment, a fond smile unfolds on his face. He really can’t help but find every action of the other utterly endearing, so dangerous for his heart and sanity. He’s so powerless against Gun's cute self.

“Look at you getting all shy and flustered…” Tinn murmurs, closing the distance Gun has established between the two of them. His words only cause Gun to be even more shy and embarrassed, heat rushing fast to his cheeks, blushing his face in the cutest way possible. Tinn can’t help himself. He gets even closer, forehead resting on Gun’s, and hands tracing the blush on Gun’s pretty face. “Where are you taking me?” Tinn asks in a whisper. 

They’re so close Gun can feel the warmth of Tinn’s breath as he speaks, and that doesn’t help to calm the pounding of his heart at all, quite the opposite. He needs a few seconds to focus on answering, Tinn’s lips just millimeters away from his face, stealing all his attention. It would take just a quick movement for them to… 

Gun closes his eyes to avoid any tempting impulse. His hands reach back to their place on the back of Tinn’s neck. 

“Is that a yes?” He asks when he’s able to control himself better. 

“It’s an ‘I'm not able to say no to you’ type of yes. So yeah. It is a yes.” Tinn says in another whisper that Gun can feel on his lips. 

God, they’re so close… it would take just a breath, a slight movement, a slip of their feet, and they could easily… just…

“Easy there, buddies. People are watching.” Their friends remind them, appearing out of nowhere.

Coming out of the daze they had fallen into. Gun catches the apologetic look Tiw and Por give them. Looking around he realizes people are indeed staring at them, some with distrust, others with suspicion, but all of them with the same curiosity and interest. Gun takes a step back as he smiles a Tinn with a silent apology. The latter smiles right back at him as he gently squeezes his hands. 

The night continues without further developments. They try to be more mindful of it while allowing their regained intimacy to bloom as it pleases. Carefully stealing soft touches at each other. Always on the gaze of the other, eagerly waiting for the moment when they’d be able to express themselves without fear. Their next date feels like an uplifting breeze of hope.

***

They haven’t agreed on a specific day to have their date. However, Tinn’s embarrassingly excited, and won’t even try to deny it, not even to himself. He’s now living that teenage dream at its fullest. The smile on his face is a constant, unbreakable source of energy. His colleagues notice, everyone around him notices, but he doesn’t provide any sort of explanation, he’s just happy and that’s all his coworkers need to know. It seems to be enough for almost all of them, except one of them who keeps nagging at him, seeking answers Tinn wasn’t interested in giving. 

“You seem happier.” His friend mentioned that Saturday morning. I am, Tinn thinks, but doesn’t say. “Something good happened?” His friend tries again. 

Tinn takes his time to acknowledge his friend’s question. “We don’t have shift this weekend. Shouldn’t that be enough motive to be happy?” 

“Sure,” the older doctor says, letting out a humorless laugh. No believing a thing Tinn was saying. “Are you free, then? Wanna go for drinks tonight?”

If it were any other weekend, Tinn would feel bad for rejecting his friend's invitation. They barely have weekends off, so when they do, they try to always make the most out of them. But this one Tinn is not available. He woke up this morning to a very pleasant text on his phone. 

Unknown: “Are you free today? If so. Would you like to go out on that date we have due?”

That message alone has been enough to send shivers throughout his whole body. It has been the best way to start his half-shift day this morning. After agreeing to see each other in the afternoon, Tinn was full of energy, ready to fulfill all his duties until his check-out hour. So, yeah, Tinn wasn’t available this weekend and wasn’t sorry about it either, but he still looked back at his friend with a sorry expression. 

“Sorry, Phi. I’m not available tonight. Actually, I’m about to leave right now.” He says, practically jumping out of his seat, too joyful to go unnoticed. 

“You have a date, don’t you?” his friend asks, looking at him with suspecting eyes. 

“See you on Monday, P’Mai!” he just says as he passes by his friend’s intrigued figure. 

“You better spill all the tea on Monday!” the older yells so Tinn can hear him before exiting the cafeteria completely. 

Tinn’s on his way to his apartment in no time. On his way there, he debates whether he should go prepare himself at his parent’s house since all his clothes are practically still there. He decides to just go to the apartment since is closer to the location Gun has sent him. He spent an entire hour getting ready, taking care of every detail of his appearance, as he hadn’t done in a long time. He wants to look good and be ready for everything. That last thought takes him by surprise and makes him feel embarrassed of himself and, shaking his head, he pushes that thought far away, very far away. Once he’s ready, he takes a cab and heads to the place. 

He arrives there just in time. He wasn’t nervous before but as soon as he makes it to the park nervousness starts to stir things inside of him. He soon realizes which park is it. It is the same one in which they had their first official date, and the realization fills him with even more nervousness. It doesn’t help at all that the surrounding people seem to be relaxed, most of them enjoying a pleasant afternoon with their families and loved ones.

Everyone is dressed casually while he has put on the nicest clothes he has found in the reduced wardrobe he has at the apartment; a blue button-up and a white pair of very-thigh jeans—too thigh, now that he thinks about it—complete his outfit.

Fuck, he’s wearing white pants and they’ll be walking probably even sitting around in a park. He’s going to be covered in dirt by the end of this date! What a way to ruin a perfectly perfect date! 

He feels extremely self-conscious. Sweat starts pooling at his temple and he’s even more nervous. Breathe, breathe, breathe, he tries to remind himself. But then he looks down at the way he’s dressed, and he’s breathing fast again, he feels so over-dressed. Was he overdressed?! He really hopes he’s not. Doesn’t have much time to keep overthinking things more when he hears him. 

Without realizing it, all this time he has been walking toward the location where Gun seems to have been waiting for him all this time. 

“Tinn!” He calls again, waving at him even. 

As if Tinn could not recognize him even in the middle of a hundred people. How could he not, when he shines with brightness almost hurtful to the eyes. He shines so bright, that Tinn has to cover his eyes from the brightness with one hand and even squint a little, so he can look at him. And when he finally catches a glance of him… God, is he not the most beautiful man on whom he has set his eyes?

Gun’s standing right in front of him and it feels like a dream but Tinn knows is not. The Gun that smiles brightly at him is real because his mind has never been able to reproduce him as beautiful as he looks right now. 

Dressed in a lovely light blue set of a sleeveless sweater and a pair of shorts, too short for Tinn’s sanity. He looks incredibly beautiful, terribly adorable, and devastatingly hot. Tinn’s going breathless and insane just by looking at him. Yet, nothing compares to the way his cute face lights up when he smiles right back at him. Tinn’s stomach makes a dangerous jump that threatens to swap him off his feet.

Gravity seems like an abstract concept to him right now, because even with his feet on the ground, he feels like flying. Levitating just by the mere sight of the most beautiful creature to ever walk the face of the earth.

God, he will not survive this date. 

“Hey, are you alright?” The beautiful angel asks, and Tinn can simply smile at him, like a fool, you know. Even his voice is beautiful. 

God, he will indeed not survive this date. 

“Tinn… snap out of it!” The angelical voice tries again. Tinn hears it closer now as if the angel were just a few millimeters away. “Snap out of it or I… I- I’ll kiss you! 

“Don’t threaten me with a good time, baby… ” Tinn says with a chuckle, still half deep in his ungravitational daze. 

“You think is funny, huh?” The angel says, now sounding annoyed. Tinn’s about to nod in agreement when he feels a flicker of tiny fingers on the right side of his forehead. “See if that’s funny,” he says, flickering his finger again, this time fulfilling his goal.

“Ouch! Gun…” Tinn complains stretching his vowels, finally fully snapping out of his daze.  

“Serves you right. You scared me for a minute!” Gun exclaims adorably frustrated while Tinn keeps rubbing the side of his forehead, not caring much about it but enjoying the other’s cute frustration. 

“Does it hurt? I’m sorry,” Gun apologizes, reaching up with his tiny hand to the side of Tinn’s forehead. 

Briefly hypnotized by Gun’s soft and caring touches, Tinn bluntly says, “Kiss it better, then…” 

The words linger in the silence between them, making it slightly uncomfortable. Tinn is about to go back on his words and make up a silly excuse that neither of them would believe when he hears soft chuckles coming out of the giggling figure that is Gun in front of him. 

Without warning, Gun leans closer, and in seconds his soft lips are all over Tinn’s temple, literally kissing it better. Tinn feels like he’s floating all over again.

“Better?” Gun asks, still very close to Tinn’s heated face. Too close for Tinn to think properly. Unable to speak without his voice cracking, Tinn just makes an affirmation noise, the sound coming out all squeaky and funny, he’s looking anywhere but at Gun’s pretty face. “Are you shy now?” Gun teases. 

“Nuh-uh. Not at all.” Tinn says shaking his head too eagerly, still avoiding Gun’s piercing gaze. 

“Yes, you are. I know every one of your reactions.” Gun mutters with a knowing tone, sounding proud of his vast knowledge of Tinn’s reactions, or of Tinn in general. Finally, sharing a look with Tinn, he wiggles his eyebrows up and down as he grabs both of Tinn’s hands tightly. Tinn feels himself smiling like a fool again. He really can’t help it. “Let’s go find something to eat.” 

Gun says as he feels Tinn intertwine their fingers, making the hold of their hands tighter and warmer. Perfect. Gun thinks. A familiar warmth expanded on his chest as they walked further into the park.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?

Chapter 9: Stay…

Eventually, they find a good spot where they can eat. The park is a very nice place, as always. It’s full of people enjoying their time with their loved ones. Gun smiles at himself as he counts himself as one of those who is also enjoying his time with his loved one. 

With a big smile on his face, he turns around so he can look at said person. Tinn is seated on a nearby bench, holding the drinks they have already bought. He smiles in his direction as Gun waves at him. He’s waiting for the order of Moo Ping (Thai-style grilled Pork Skewers) and fries they’re having as a snack. Gun realizes is not the most romantic setup. But it's so them that he finds it perfect and hopes that Tinn finds it so too.

He has debated the whole week about where would be the perfect place to have their date. He considered so many possibilities for a moment he was completely fluctuated, overwhelmed with options. He wanted their second first date to be perfect, but soon he realized he was missing the most important part of it all, them. All those fancy ideas of dates in expensive restaurants or bars he thought about weren’t them at all.

So he figured it would be better to take a different approach, a more nostalgic one even. First, he was scared that the chosen place would somehow be overwhelming for Tinn, cause this is a place that holds many memories for them. It’s not just the place where they had their first official date so many years ago but is also the place where they used to go on weekends to relax and enjoy the little free time they used to have. It was a special place for them and Gun was more than pleased to notice Tinn was comfortable being there with him again.

With the food in his hands, Gun walks back to the bench where Tinn is waiting. He has noticed how deadly handsome and hot Tinn looks in that outfit, of course, he has noticed. But now, looking from afar, with the sun enhancing his handsome features, Gun can’t help but run his eyes up and down the seated figure of Tinn repeatedly. 

God, how can he look this hot just by sitting there???

He’s just seated there, with the drinks at the side of one of his legs that is fitted in those insane thigh white jeans that fit him so freaking perfectly. Gun's eyes run up and down the length of his long legs and finish their trail in that blue shirt that frames his broad chest so flawlessly. Gun can feel his throat tightening and his breathing quickening as a blush creeps on his face, can blame his heathen cheeks on the weather, yet the tightening of his throat, and his problem breathing regularly, can’t be blamed on the weather. But he’s not at fault either, Tinn is, for being ridiculously handsome and hot.

Gun realizes too late he has stopped walking and is just standing there with the food in his hands, staring at Tinn with burning cheeks, and mouth slightly open, struggling to ingest air to his troubling lungs. The object of his fixation turns around suddenly and his eyes fall on the frozen figure that is Gun. Tinn gestures something at him, but Gun cannot register any other thing that isn’t the attractive way Tinn flexes his arm at him.

Tinn is about to get up to reach Gun when the latter continues walking towards the bench. 

“Are you okay?” Tinn asks, his deep voice affecting Gun even more. But somehow he manages to nod and answer even when he’s at a loss for words. 

“Y-Yeah, everything is fine,” Gun says, still slightly out of breath. “Should we go eat over there?” he asks, pointing in a different direction, as opposed to where they’re right now. Tinn nods and helps Gun to carry everything to their new spot. 

As they reach the new place Gun notices groups of people eating on the grass with the same type of blankets, and then he notices a small stand where they are selling them, leaving the food on another bench he runs towards the stand and buys one blanket. Back where Tinn waits for him, he gathers everything and leads Tinn to a more private spot. Once they’re there, they can finally settle down. Gun makes Tinn hold all the food for a few seconds, so he can lay the blanket on the floor, when he’s done he turns to Tinn and offers him to sit on the blanket with a charming gesture. The latter smiles at him but he doesn’t move, unable to do so, because of how he’s struggling to hold everything in his hands. Gun notices his struggle and with a giggle, he rushes over to help him.

“Sorry.” He says, grabbing part of the food to free Tinn’s hands and they finally sit on the blanket. 

Tinn shakes his head slightly, still smiling as he joins Gun in the blanket. Details like these are the main reason why he had fallen completely in love with the precious boy in front of him, so many years ago.

He can feel himself falling even harder this time. 

***

“I can easily get used to this…” Tinn says as he lays down in the blanket, arms crossed behind his head working as a support, eyes closed and long legs stretched out careless. They have finished eating and now are just resting on the blanket, enjoying the surroundings and each other's company. 

Gun can’t stop his eyes from running up and down the slim figure of Tinn. They get caught in the other partly exposed chest and Gun has to force himself to bring them back to the doctor’s face. “To what?—he asks as a desperate way to distract himself—Laying down in the grass like a careless teenage boy?” Gun asks again, now with a teasing tone. 

He needs to focus on any other thing that is not Tinn’s broad chest. 

“I prefer free young adult,” Tinn answers with a chuckle. “Or should I stick to being your handsome doctor?” he adds jokingly, reminding Gun of the way his friends were calling him the other day. Right after that, he opens his eyes to look at Gun with a bright smile. 

Almost as bright as the sunlight that flows through the figure of Gun sitting in front of him, partly covering him with his shadow. Yet, there are some rays of sunlight that escape Gun’s silhouette and threaten to hit Tinn right in the face. One of Gun’s hands reaches up to prevent the ray of light from hitting Tinn’s face. 

“Are you trying to act cool right now?” Gun asks, still holding his hand up. This allows him to look at Tinn’s face properly, and there he witnesses the change of emotions as Tinn shifts to a more seated position, and one of his hands reaches out to hold the one Gun has up. 

“No need to act cool if I’m with you.” He says, sincerely. Making Gun smile and blush a little. Looking more radiant than the sun itself in Tinn’s eyes.

“I know.” He whispers. And take the hand that is holding his, to place it against his warm cheek. Once it is there, he nuzzles it a little. Never breaking eye contact with Tinn’s eyes. 

“I meant getting used to sharing our free time together like this again,” Tinn whispers, appreciating the other’s soft gestures, getting lost in them and their warmness. 

“Is it too tiring?” Gun asks, now cupping Tinn’s face with the same hand that was before holding his hand. Tinn looks at him, confused, so Gun explains himself better. “The work at the hospital. You work every day even on weekends. It has to be draining.” He finishes, now running his thumb along the soft skin. 

“It is… Especially when you have to study at the same time.” Tinn says with a grimace. “But it's gonna be over soon.” Gun looks at him, concerned as Tinn elaborates further. “I’m finally graduating in a few months.” 

“Ow… that’s amazing!” Gun says, almost jumping over Tinn out of excitement. “You’ll still have those endless shifts tho…” he adds as soon as he remembers. 

“I’ll manage. I’m used to them by now.” Tinn says with a small smile, as he caresses the back of Gun’s hand that is still placed half on his face and half on his neck. 

“I know you will…” Gun whispers back, smiling softly too, feeling proud. 

“What about you?” Tinn asks after a few seconds of just leaning into each other’s touch. Gun looks at him, confused and expectant at first, until Tinn explains further. “Things don’t seem to be good with your manager…”

This makes Gun pull away from Tinn's hold and for a second Tinn thinks he has messed it up by asking about that, but Gun just has pulled away to change to what seems to be a more comfortable position for him and is now lying down with his head supported on top of Tinn’s belly. This way, they’re not as close as they were before, but the intimacy of this new position is equally comforting.

Gun lets out a long sigh before answering. 

“You’ve noticed. Of course, you have. It has gotten really messy,” he says with another long sigh. “It's the same old thing, but multiplied by a thousand now.—he says as he pauses to continue later—Crossing boundaries, invasive calls, and ways to control every move we make. We got to a point where we wanted to end the contract, but we were tied up by a stupid clause that forced us to work with them for not less than four years. So then, we tried to negotiate some time off, because the boys were drained. But they wouldn’t give it to us. Or that’s what they said, but then, all of a sudden we were put on hiatus. And that’s where we are right now.” 

When he finishes, he looks as tired as his voice sounded while explaining everything they’ve gone through as a band. Tinn doesn’t realize his hands have shifted their position until he feels soft locks of hair tickle the palm of his hand. He’s caressing Gun's silky hair now, and the latter seems to enjoy it, so he lets his hand run freely through the locks. 

“What are you planning to do?” he asks softly. 

“No idea,” says Gun with a chuckle. Stealing a small chuckle from Tinn as well.

Tinn wants to ask more, but he decides to let Gun express himself in his own time. Minutes of silence later he does it. 

“Actually, I do know,” he says, turning his head slightly to the side, to look at Tinn directly when he adds, “We’re gonna keep on trying until we’re free of that damn contract. And then we’re gonna go independent.” 

Tinn smiles at his words, sharing Gun’s excitement and enthusiasm, once again reminded of one of the qualities that had made him fall irrevocably in love with the beautiful boy lying in his lap.

“As determined and troublesome as always, Nong Gun,” Tinn says teasingly, as he playfully pulls a full fist of Gun’s hair. The latter makes a small noise of discomfort but doesn’t complain. Instead, he leans more towards Tinn, eyes shining with so many emotions, that Tinn feels slightly overwhelmed. 

“You used to like me being that way…” Gun whispers, getting closer to Tinn, eyes fixed on a spot on Tinn’s stunned face, his parted lips. 

“I did…” Tinn whispers back, as lost as Gun is in the other’s pretty lips. “I still do.” Tinn finishes in another whisper pulling Gun impossibly closer. 

Their lips are a breath away when they feel the first raindrops fall upon them.

***

Everyone in the park is running around, looking for a safe place to stay dry. It has started raining so hard and suddenly that they barely have time to pack everything up and run to safety as well.

Tinn and Gun run towards the place where Gun has parked his car, hand in hand. Big smiles adorn their faces as they realize running is as helpful as an umbrella will be in a storm.

When they reach the parking spot, they’re soaking wet.

“We’re a mess!” Gun exclaims as they sit inside his car. 

"It is well said that you should never rely completely on technology. The stupid weather app didn't mention anything about raining today.” Tinn complains, trying to fix his wet hair but gives up helplessly when he looks at himself in the mirror. 

Gun let out a chuckle. “You can’t entirely blame technology for Thailand's unpredictable weather,” Gun adds, fixing Tinn’s hair himself. 

Tinn smiles at him gratefully, their hands meeting and their eyes lingering on each other. Gazes longed for the moment they just shared before it started raining over their heads. 

“Where are you staying?” Gun asks in a whisper, breaking the silence charged with so many unspoken feelings and longings. 

“At the apartment…” Tinn whispers back. 

Both are extremely conscious of what the place means for both of them. It’s not just Tinn’s apartment and the place where he’s staying. It’s the apartment they shared for almost four years. It’s their apartment. 

Gun breaks eye contact and sets off towards the place, all while swallowing the knot that has formed on the back of his throat. He tries so hard to focus on the road and the direction where he’s driving to and not the handsome partly wet man by his side.

Minutes later they arrive at the building where the apartment is. Gun’s intention is just to drop Tinn off, but the latter offers Gun to go upstairs to dry himself up in the apartment. And that sets the mood for the entire evening. They are both nervous, to say the least. 

As they get to the apartment door the atmosphere between the two is charged with unspoken feelings and unfulfilled desires. Both feel nervous and unsure of whether they should continue with the intimacy they were falling into back at the park.

Already in the apartment, Tinn goes inside in search of towels with which they can both dry themselves. And Gun is left alone with his longings and memories, a very dangerous combination for him right now.

Just with the first glance at the so well-known living room he can’t help but remember. 

The first thing he remembers is the night he spent here over a month ago. He had arrived at the apartment as heartbroken as he had been the last two years, seeking the comfort the familiar space had always brought him. Never in his wildest dream had he imagined waking up wrapped in the arms of the person his heart longed for. For a few seconds, it had been such a pleasant surprise. Until reality broke his little bubble, and he found himself back in square one, all by himself, with no arms wrapping around him, just his aching heart throbbing against his chest, excited at just the sight of the person he loved, filling itself with hopes.

Hopes that now feel more like possibilities.

The second thing he remembers takes him further back in time. To the days when they were still together. His eyes settle on the couch in the living room, their perfect cuddling couch. A half smile forms on his lips as the memory takes place. 

They stumble over their steps as they walk into the living room. It’s late at night after one of Gun’s weekend performances. 

They’ve been dating for almost three years now and during all those years Tinn has never missed any of Gun's presentations. His college band has gained more recognition lately, which has let them improve in their performances, their stage presence reaching an incredible level of hotness, especially Gun's. 

All the band’s fans are crazy over the lead singer's amazing stage presence. All of them find the young singer crazily hot. Yet, in every performance the singer’s eyes were always focused on one single person; Gun’s lucky boyfriend. 

Tinn was not different from any of Gun’s fans, equally captivated by the singer’s strong stage presence. Tinn finds it extremely hot when Gun performs. He’s so passionate about it, giving it his all every time. It was impossible to look at him and not want to have him. Tinn pitied his fans, because unfortunately for them, he was the only one with whom Gun leaves by the end of each performance. 

He’s one lucky fan, indeed. 

And every night he makes sure to tell his idol/boyfriend how amazing he is. 

“You were amazing on stage,” Tinn says in a grunt, out of breath, as they kiss each other roughly. “You always are…” he adds, now cornering Gun against the nearest surface. 

Their hands are all over each other. Touching, feeling, and undressing as fast as they can.

Somehow, they manage to reach further into the living room, until their knees hit the soft material of the couch in the living room, that one that was meant to be used for cuddling while watching movies and series, but that is now going to be used for something very different.

“That’s thanks to the fans. They give all the energy I need to perform that well every time.” Gun says, inches away from Tinn’s lips. One more step is all they need to fall onto the couch in a perfect seated position, Tinn seated with his back against the backrest and Gun seated on top of him, on his lap. “Especially that one fan that calls himself my number one fan.” He adds in a murmur, pressing himself as close as he can to Tinn. 

“Such a lucky fan…” Tinn mutters back, nuzzling Gun’s well-kissed lips with his nose, as he mindlessly caresses both of Gun’s thighs that rest on top of his legs. Trapping him there, under him. Where Tinn loves to be the most. 

Gun’s smile grows wilder as Tinn’s hands reach the edge of his pants. Fidgeting with the fabric of Gun’s tank top until he manages to untuck it from where it was trapped, inside Gun’s pants. 

“So, so lucky…” Tinn whispers, mirroring Gun’s smile, as he rolls the shirt off Gun’s figure until the garment is completely off his body, lying somewhere on the floor of their living room. Tinn's hands tighten around Gun's waist.

Gun’s breath stops for a second when Tinn places a soft kiss in the middle of his chest, making his skin tingle with the touch of those soft lips he wants to kiss so badly. However, Gun cannot act on his desires because before he can pull Tinn’s lips closer, the latter places another kiss on his chest. Gun has to suppress a moan when he feels Tinn’s mouth open against his skin, tasting it. Making him tremble. 

He wants him so badly, he drops every act and game they were aiming at. Fuck that. He finally pulls Tinn closer and devours his lips as he so much wanted. A choked grunt is the only thing that escapes from Tinn's mouth as the contact of their lips extends until they’re both breathless. 

“Tinn…” Gun says out of breath. 

‘I want you so bad…’ He wants to say but is unable to, the words won’t come out of his mouth. 

“I love you…” he says instead. 

And that seems to work equally for Tinn, because in a sudden movement, Gun feels himself being lifted from Tinn's lap to the next second being laying flat on the couch, moved around as if he doesn’t weigh anything. Tinn is on top of him in no second and Gun has barely time to adapt to their new position when his lips are being devoured once again. 

The kiss is deep and with time becomes a little sloppy, but neither of them seems to care because they don’t break apart until they’re breathless all over again, panting into each other's mouths.

“I… love you… so much…” Tinn says between kisses he spreads all over Gun’s face. 

That night they didn't make it to their bedroom. Too busy devouring each other to care about staying on the couch.

That couch has witnessed more than cuddling, that’s for sure. His mind provides once the memory is over, being of no use at all.

“Gun, are you alright?” asks Tinn, as he walks over to Gun with some small towels in hand for them both to dry off.

His words manage to bring Gun back to reality completely. Out of the wild memory he was just having. The realization plus the sight of the damn couch makes him blush deeply. 

“Did you catch a fever?” Tinn asks worried, placing the back of the hand he has free on top of Gun’s forehead, making Gun feel even more embarrassed. “It doesn't look like—” Tinn is saying but is interrupted by Gun’s nervous reaction.

“I-It’s all right. I’m fine,” Gun says hurriedly, gently brushing Tinn's hand off his forehead, as he takes the towel Tinn offers him. 

***

Once they dry off. Gun is once again left alone in the middle of the room while Tinn removes the used towels. He doesn't want his mind to wander like before, so he tries to focus his attention on anything else, but there isn't much he can concentrate on and once again he finds himself at a loss for what to do or say, so he just waits there for Tinn to return.

But the awkwardness continues even when Tinn returns. Both don't seem to know what to do or say next. So, as time passes in painful silence, only one conclusion seems viable: it's time for Gun to leave.

Gun announces that he is leaving as he walks towards the door, Tinn follows him without saying anything to stop him from leaving, so Gun says goodbye a little disappointed.

“Thanks for today. I had a great time. Really…” Tinn says as he grabs both of Gun’s hands, in a common gentle gesture of him.

Gun wants to say something, anything but that last gesture steals his attention, “Your hands are cold” he mentions instead, distracted.

“I’m kinda nervous,” Tinn confesses with an embarrassed smile. 

“Don’t be,” Gun hurries to say with a reassuring smile, as he starts mindlessly caressing the back of Tinn’s hands with his own. “It’s just me.” 

That’s exactly why I’m nervous. Tinn wants to say. 

It's not just anyone, any date with a random person. No. It’s about his first crush, his first boyfriend, and his first love. Gun is almost all of his first times. Of course, Tinn is going to be nervous.

“It's because it's you that I'm nervous,” Tinn confesses and Gun looks at him with a frown.“It took more than two years for me to confess my feelings for the first time, remember? This… this feels like having our first date again. So, of course, I’m nervous.” 

Another first time Gun steals from him. Tinn noticed with pride and so many feelings. 

Then he realizes he will give away all his first times to the boy in front of him if asked. And he would be so happy about it, he can’t barely contain the warmth that spreads on his chest. The need to share that happiness and emotions that fill him overtakes and before he realizes it, he’s leaning forward and bringing Gun’s hands closer to his lips. So, now he can pour out all those feelings in the form of small kisses that he spreads over the back of both of Gun's hands.

“Besides, have you looked at yourself? You look so pretty. It’s just normal for me to be nervous,” Tinn adds with a cheeky smile, still holding Gun’s hands close to his face. 

He hears a small chuckle come out of Gun, and when he looks up to observe him, he notices that he is smiling while shaking his head slightly from side to side, embarrassed. A subtle blush adorns his cheeks, making him look even more adorable. 

So, so pretty. Tinn thinks, and unable to fight the instinct, he kisses Gun’s hands again. 

“You’re too much…” Gun says with a strained voice, blushing harder. More embarrassed.

Tinn knows Gun’s fighting the embarrassment. He knows all his reactions and mannerisms. That’s why, feeling braver than usual he pulls Gun’s hands a little, he intends to pull close enough so he can place a soft kiss on the other boy’s cheek, but he must have miss calculated his strength or his knowledge of Gun’s reaction, because as he pulls and leans closer to Gun, the other also brings his face closer and in a fast and unexpected movement their lips meet. 

The touch is brief, too fast to even count as a proper kiss. But the closeness between them is more than enough to make both of them stunned. Too surprised to even breathe.  

It’s just like their first date all over again. That time they kissed by mistake too. That time, Gun has been the one to continue, placing small kisses all over Tinn’s face. But this time, Gun’s the one pulling apart, his embarrassment and blush growing even harder. 

It takes a few seconds for Tinn to come out of his stupor. And when he does it. He realizes he doesn’t want the contact of their lips and closeness to be over too soon. So finding enough courage to overcome his own embarrassment and blushing, he tucks a Gun’s hand again, pulling the other closer. 

Close enough to breathe the same air, close enough for Gun to lose balance and have to support the majority of his weight on Tinn’s solid frame, close enough for Tinn to whisper: “Can I kiss you?” 

That single question is more than enough for Gun’s entire body to start trembling. He closes his eyes and moving his hands from where they support him on Tinn’s shoulders, he brings them to Tinn’s nape instead. 

He nods, and Tinn closes the distance between them. The contact of their lips sends shivers through both their bodies. It’s magical, as it has always been. 

They start kissing slowly as if they were trying to get familiar with each other’s touch. But as they gain confidence, they improve the rhythm and pace. 

After a while of kissing nonstop, out of breath, and extremely happy, Tinn whispers: “Stay…”

To that, Gun has neither the emotional nor the physical strength to say no. So he simply nods and dives onto Tinn's lips with renewed enthusiasm and courage. Allowing himself to follow the desire he’s been repressing for so long, caving into them freely now that Tinn has given up to them too. 

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | ?