Learning To Be Real Again - Tumblr Posts

I can’t sleep tonight

Having no other adult experience with an actual relationship outside of him, I have fears.

I feel like I’m allowed to be human with her.  I’m comfortable blowing my nose and flossing in her presence.  That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s progress.

More than anything I feel animated, like, alive.  I can laugh loud and silly, and be excited about trivial things; I can take long, windy routes to tell stories, and forget what I was saying mid sentence.  None of this phases her.  I’m not an annoyance.  I’m not wasting her time.

Did I ever feel this way with him?  I must have.  I remember being willing to take a bullet for him.  Does that mean this is all going to fade too? 

I worry I’m going to turn into that hallow, emotionless shell again.  And that it had nothing to do with him always cutting me down, and everything to do with me just being soulless and horrible.

Maybe all this love stuff is short lived and fleeting for me, and my rotten insides will cause me to hurt her as well.