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I've seen pieces from this extra comic before, but never read the full thing until today. And holy shit does it hammer home just how much the story is about class.

Multiple times, when food comes up in this comic, it’s also in context of money:

I've seen this last panel on the right brought up before in context of like, dungeon meshi's relationship with fat and eating, but in the full context of the comic it really hits how much adventuring directly consumes bodies for money.

As much as this has been part of the story the whole time, showcased as early chapters 19 and 20...

It never fully hit me before how often adventuring comes down to having no other way to make money but to throw yourself into death repeatedly. To be used, whether it’s by individual selfish people (like the resurrection group that is happy to try and get Kabru's group to kill each other to get extra gold from them in chapter 32), or by the greater cog of the Dungeon Economy in general.

Which, to be clear, is all too often how things work in the real world, too. So many jobs burn through the health and lives of workers. Dungeon Meshi just makes it literal in a new way: by making the healing and resurrection, a core part to the adventuring loop, directly use fat, muscle, and energy from the body being healed.

Imagine Amazon, but if you got injured at work, they could literally burn up some of your body to get you back to working sooner. And that was seen as an advantage of the job.

And then you have Laios, thinking about eating monsters:

Not just because he likes monsters a lot. But because it would help. He says something similar in the actual manga too, during the chapter discussing his dream with the Winged Lion

Laios wants to be able to make a home for Falin. He wants to give her a place where she never has to eat alone. And when he gets a party, he wants to give them a way to eat well. And when he runs a country, well…

He wants to ensure that everyone has enough to eat.

Food is political. Food ties into class, and money. What is deemed "proper" to eat, what is a luxury, what is crass… so much of it comes down to money.

Being judged for eating what's available, when what is “proper” isn't affordable, is already a thing that happens. People forced into work that consumes their energy is already a thing that happens.

Dungeon Meshi has a lot of fantastical elements, but boy is its examination of food and class very real.

Things that will make your computer meaningfully faster:

Replacing a HDD with an SSD

Adding RAM

Graphics cards if you're nasty

Uninstalling resource hogs like Norton or McAfee (if you're using Windows then the built-in Windows Security is perfectly fine; if you're using a mac consider bitdefender as a free antivirus or eset as a less resource intensive paid option)

Customizing what runs on startup for your computer

Things that are likely to make internet browsing specifically meaningfully faster:

Installing firefox and setting it up with ublock origin

adding the Auto Tab Discard extension to firefox to sleep unused tabs so that they aren't constantly reloading

Closing some fucking tabs bud I'm sorry I know it hurts I'm guilty of this too

Things that will make your computer faster if you are actually having a problem:

Running malwarebytes and shutting down any malicious programs it finds.

Correcting disk utilization errors

Things that will make your computer superficially faster and may slightly improve your user experience temporarily:

Clearing cache and cookies on your browser

Restarting the computer

Changing your screen resolution

Uninstalling unused browser extensions

Things that do not actually make your computer faster:

Deleting files

Registry cleaners

Defragging your drive

Passively wishing that your computer was faster instead of actually just adding more fucking RAM.

This post is brought to you by the lady with the 7-year-old laptop that she refuses to leave overnight for us to run scans on or take apart so that we can put RAM in it and who insists on coming by for 30-minute visits hoping we can make her computer faster.

Got coffee and found the missing flag, so I really hope it's fixed now. The bad news is that it won't have been set correctly in your game save code, but those codes are unlikely to work once I update anyway.

Yeah, the stat-screen crash is probably beyond my control, sigh. So frustrating. But CS is pretty fantastic overall, so I can't complain too much.

And, at the risk of repeating myself, after so many hours and hours of writing, it's just utterly gratifying to read your reactions to things and to know that all that work is appreciated.

okay i jumped in the water and got to shore, got the save thing, and somehow ended up in a carriage surrounded by guards? did i miss something?

Approving Thoughts on TFATWS (and Criticism of the “fandom”):

With only six eps and half the vocal viewers devouring each other, can it be called a fandom? Idk. My real question is: what in the text of the script is there to cry and complain over? Approached with a level head, the creators do a great job of expanding on the movies’ foundation. 

I’m black (and female) so I have real experience about these things in this make-believe world of the MCU. *dry laugh*

Here are my five reasons to be satisfied with the first half of TFATWS season one, as far as a TV show can satisfy the human heart (which it cannot): 

1. The superheroes invite greater threats against their powers. Some superheroes turn out to be frauds. The superheroes too are people and are still subject to being mistreated by their fellow humanity. Personally, I think sweet and precious Sam Wilson gave up the shield for fear of what would happen to him as a black man. I didn’t think TFATWS would be that honest about human frailty, but it looks like they will. Is it too much to say Sam can overcome the fear and become his own Cap regardless of what other people say or how they treat him? It’s not too much; it’s an awesome lesson for the kids and adults watching. Now, Steve wasn’t dumb or racist; he gave Sam the shield, knowing that would be the challenge, and he had expected Sam to succeed in it, in his own time. Adjacently, the X-Men series deals with superheroes being mistreated a lot more flawlessly than most other major Marvel comics. I did hear that in a comic in the 90s, Black Panther and Storm got married and when Isaiah Bradley arrived, that’s how most of the white superheroes (including James “Bucky” Barnes, Steve Rogers and Wolverine) found out about his history and fame in the black community. Hilarious! And interesting. And sad. 

2. They’re gonna choose what kinds of wrongdoing they want to show in TFATWS. It’s up to us to be self-reflective on our values. I MEAN...they were at a criminal outpost, yet we only saw drug trafficking and weapon trafficking. It’s not as if there is not prostitution (“I look like a pimp in this thing!”) and sex trafficking and other worse kinds of human trafficking acting as the lifeblood of Madripoor, Indonesia. Yet viewers will whine that the creators chose a South Asian Pacific location to show it. You’re focusing on the wrong things, folks. What about Sharon Carter deciding to do the morally bankrupt “hustler thing” and push stolen artwork, the administration of which, is funded by...the above? Yet people will laugh and say Sharon called Bucky Steve’s whore—when no, she called him Steve’s wife, an infinitely more respectable title. 

What about Zemo putting on an act of “his old self before incarceration at JCTC” and groping Bucky’s face in front of those other criminals? What about the shoulders that got crunched in the battle on the cargo ship? Sharon’s awesome, a total badass. But working with Zemo sucks. And Walker is worse.

What about when Tony Stark made Ultron which made other dumb robots that plotted to destroy the “human threat” to earth, a plot which radicalized Sokovian deathsquad commander, Baron Helmut Zemo, who planted and pinned the bombing of Wakanda’s King T’Chaka on Bucky, who had spent 50 years as the world’s most lethal and most mind-controlled assassin—and remembered everything--at the signing of the superhuman-regulating Sokovian Accords? What about when Bucky told Steve he didn’t think he was worth it? And when Sam told Steve that perhaps Bucky wasn’t the same person he knew anymore? But Sam and the other half of the Avengers were sent to the Raft (superhuman max pennitenarary floating in the Atlantic Ocean) so Bucky could flee for his life which they thought he deserved to keep after seeing evil Zemo turn “on” the Winter Soldier? What about when Sam went with Steve to Peggy Carter’s funeral because Bucky was on the run and later found refuge in Wakanda and got his mind back? What about when Tony Stark sacrificed himself to Blip everyone back and Steve went back in time, became Peggy’s longtime husband, then returned, retired and gave the shield to Sam? And when Bucky looked on proudly?

3. Seems to me we need Sam and Bucky together for their own sake and for the sake of their world’s hope and future. There is also a lot between them to resolve as 1 and 1/2 Avenger. Insightful people say Thanos got an edge on the Avengers because they were still split up after the Civil War. Meanwhile, the Sokovian Accords are still active after the Blip. This has huge implications for MCU. I don’t know why we’re trying so hard to pull Sam and Bucky apart. They’ll do that just fine on their own. We need to hope they stay together! 

4. There are not many comic readers here on Tumblr. That’s good. I am not one, I just have comic-reading friends. They’re very hard to please...which is why it’s so funny that the people who only watch MCU are even harder to please, given that they have even less of an idea of what’s going on. It’s called hubris. For example, in the comics, Isaiah Bradley never fought against the Winter Soldier in Goyang, South Korea in 1951. Never happened. Yet some people want to call MCU Bucky a racist who is 100% blind to his own white privilege? Smh. 

5. What’s the point of watching a silly TV show that is not reductively hateful (unlike HBO’s GoT), if you’ll just complain about it, complain about other people’s responses and what they think or not think, and rant at each other over what should be? What do you know? It’s just big-budget play-pretend. Sit back and remember it’s a buddy cop show, too: a very unique installment compared to what’s to come in the MCU. 

Now, I look forward to seeing Captain America’s future resolved in Sam Wilson, and Captain America’s past resolved in James “Bucky” Barnes. That’s as imaginative as buddy cop shows come, these days.  

Approving Thoughts on TFATWS (and Criticism of the “fandom”):

With only six eps and half the vocal viewers devouring each other, can it be called a fandom? Idk. My real question is: what in the text of the script is there to cry and complain over? Approached with a level head, the creators do a great job of expanding on the movies’ foundation. 

I’m black (and female) so I have real experience about these things in this make-believe world of the MCU. *dry laugh*

Here are my five reasons to be satisfied with the first half of TFATWS season one, as far as a TV show can satisfy the human heart (which it cannot): 

1. The superheroes invite greater threats against their powers. Some superheroes turn out to be frauds. The superheroes too are people and are still subject to being mistreated by their fellow humanity. Personally, I think sweet and precious Sam Wilson gave up the shield for fear of what would happen to him as a black man. I didn’t think TFATWS would be that honest about human frailty, but it looks like they will. Is it too much to say Sam can overcome the fear and become his own Cap regardless of what other people say or how they treat him? It’s not too much; it’s an awesome lesson for the kids and adults watching. Now, Steve wasn’t dumb or racist; he gave Sam the shield, knowing that would be the challenge, and he had expected Sam to succeed in it, in his own time. Adjacently, the X-Men series deals with superheroes being mistreated a lot more flawlessly than most other major Marvel comics. I did hear that in a comic in the 90s, Black Panther and Storm got married and when Isaiah Bradley arrived, that’s how most of the white superheroes (including James “Bucky” Barnes, Steve Rogers and Wolverine) found out about his history and fame in the black community. Hilarious! And interesting. And sad. 

2. They’re gonna choose what kinds of wrongdoing they want to show in TFATWS. It’s up to us to be self-reflective on our values. I MEAN…they were at a criminal outpost, yet we only saw drug trafficking and weapon trafficking. It’s not as if there is not prostitution (“I look like a pimp in this thing!”) and sex trafficking and other worse kinds of human trafficking acting as the lifeblood of Madripoor, Indonesia. Yet viewers will whine that the creators chose a South Asian Pacific location to show it. You’re focusing on the wrong things, folks. What about Sharon Carter deciding to do the morally bankrupt “hustler thing” and push stolen artwork, the administration of which, is funded by…the above? Yet people will laugh and say Sharon called Bucky Steve’s whore—when no, she called him Steve’s wife, an infinitely more respectable title. 

What about Zemo putting on an act of “his old self before incarceration at JCTC” and groping Bucky’s face in front of those other criminals? What about the shoulders that got crunched in the battle on the cargo ship? Sharon’s awesome, a total badass. But working with Zemo sucks. And Walker is worse.

What about when Tony Stark made Ultron which made other dumb robots that plotted to destroy the “human threat” to earth, a plot which radicalized Sokovian deathsquad commander, Baron Helmut Zemo, who planted and pinned the bombing of Wakanda’s King T’Chaka on Bucky, who had spent 50 years as the world’s most lethal and most mind-controlled assassin—and remembered everything–at the signing of the superhuman-regulating Sokovian Accords? What about when Bucky told Steve he didn’t think he was worth it? And when Sam told Steve that perhaps Bucky wasn’t the same person he knew anymore? But Sam and the other half of the Avengers were sent to the Raft (superhuman max pennitenarary floating in the Atlantic Ocean) so Bucky could flee for his life which they thought he deserved to keep after seeing evil Zemo turn “on” the Winter Soldier? What about when Sam went with Steve to Peggy Carter’s funeral because Bucky was on the run and later found refuge in Wakanda and got his mind back? What about when Tony Stark sacrificed himself to Blip everyone back and Steve went back in time, became Peggy’s longtime husband, then returned, retired and gave the shield to Sam? And when Bucky looked on proudly?

3. Seems to me we need Sam and Bucky together for their own sake and for the sake of their world’s hope and future. There is also a lot between them to resolve as 1 and ½ Avenger. Insightful people say Thanos got an edge on the Avengers because they were still split up after the Civil War. Meanwhile, the Sokovian Accords are still active after the Blip. This has huge implications for MCU. I don’t know why we’re trying so hard to pull Sam and Bucky apart. They’ll do that just fine on their own. We need to hope they stay together! 

4. There are not many comic readers here on Tumblr. That’s good. I am not one, I just have comic-reading friends. They’re very hard to please…which is why it’s so funny that the people who only watch MCU are even harder to please, given that they have even less of an idea of what’s going on. It’s called hubris. For example, in the comics, Isaiah Bradley never fought against the Winter Soldier in Goyang, South Korea in 1951. Never happened. Yet some people want to call MCU Bucky a racist who is 100% blind to his own white privilege? Smh. 

5. What’s the point of watching a silly TV show that is not reductively hateful (unlike HBO’s GoT), if you’ll just complain about it, complain about other people’s responses and what they think or not think, and rant at each other over what should be? What do you know? It’s just big-budget play-pretend. Sit back and remember it’s a buddy cop show, too: a very unique installment compared to what’s to come in the MCU. 

Now, I look forward to seeing Captain America’s future resolved in Sam Wilson, and Captain America’s past resolved in James “Bucky” Barnes. That’s as imaginative as buddy cop shows come, these days.  

SamBucky TFATWS Pre-Slash, Canon Compliant to 1x02

 3.2k words, Bucky POV

(excerpt of a 4-part AU fic, unfinished)

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes didn’t know how it happened. Maybe he admired Sam Wilson more than he could admit. Maybe the younger, normal man reminded him of who he used to be, some seventy years before HYDRA stole his mind and identity. Bucky used to understand the rare human heart. He’d had it, once. But now, when Sam spoke, within and without the EXO-7 Falcon suit, Bucky was only able to wonder how someone so humorous can suddenly regain sobriety on the battlefield. Bucky could count on him not to be distracted. Bucky was the reckless one, now. Sam was so damn effective that Bucky laughed when Sam called his bluff about the Flag Smashers’ numbers in their lair in the Kazarian countryside, and he laughed when his grasp missed Redwing on the way out of the lair, and he laughed when Sam teased him for getting his ass kicked by a super strong girl in the group.

He wouldn’t have noticed Sam’s effect, because he never thought about his own heart. Not even after he glimpsed peace while farming in Wakanda. Not even after Steve came back from returning the Infinity Stones to their original locations, having lived out a long and satisfying life in the past as Peggy Carter’s husband.

Bucky thought of his heart only once when he watched Sam donate Steve’s shield to the Smithsonian Museum on the television.

Once, again, only when Sam refuted the convincing nature of Bucky’s overextended life.

And once more, at that moment, when Sam snatched him out from underneath the speeding loot truck and shot them both out to tumble through the adjacent field.

Bucky was so afraid of being separated, of finding Sam half a mile away with irreparably broken bones, that into the other man’s ear he yelled, “Don’t let go of me!”

Between breaths Sam responded, “I. Won’t!”

One hundred yards became two hundred yards. The wind was knocked out of Bucky’s lungs at three hundred yards. His fear peaked, and he placed his fleshy hand to the back of Sam’s head and held tight until they finally stopped rolling at five hundred yards away from the paved road. Under those ridiculous flight goggles, Sam blinked dazedly at the blue sky. Bucky huffed an anxious breath, tugging short curls between his thumb and index finger, waiting for Sam to prove that he was alright.

Sam then turned his gaze to Bucky’s and shifted his head. Relieved, Bucky removed his hand, curled his fingers into the fertile soil and smiled.

“You could have used the shield.”

A moment became two, before Sam’s humor rose again. “Get off of me.”

With the strength he had left, Bucky too landed on his back.  

“They were Super Soldiers, Sam.”

“I know.” There was a pause, followed by an amused huff. “You’re welcome by the way!”

After another minute, Bucky rolled onto his side and watched Sam regain the rest of his strength. There was nothing else to say. Sam shot disapproving glances his way and shook his head. Bucky nodded to him warily, rose to his feet, and helped Sam back to his. Once they reached the road again, they eventually ran into the enforcement pair from the U.S. Armed Forces—including the one posing as Captain America, the one using Steve’s shield.

John Walker.

After much convincing, the Avengers hitched a ride with them. Bucky didn’t even have to stare to know the imposter was also a loser. But if it unnerved him and Lemar Hoskins a.k.a. Battlestar too, all the better.

Suffice it to say, Bucky didn’t give thought to his heart again until their long day drew to a close in Baltimore, Maryland. It took six hours to fly four-thousand miles west by the Quinjet. But it was still daylight out, so he led Sam to Isaiah Bradley’s home. After being screened by who he guessed was Bradley’s grandson, Bucky introduced the men to each other.

He wanted Sam to meet Bradley so he could understand this whole Super Solider stuff was more complicated than either of them thought. It was no valid excuse that Bucky had been under HYDRA’s mind control when they’d engaged in the battlefield during the Korean War. At the reminder of having lost half of his vibranium arm in close-combat, he spoke with regret, and to his amazement Bradley talked with them, in his own home, for far longer than Bucky had expected, before tossing them out. Bucky had found out what happened to him—a thirty-year U.S. prison sentence and extensive U.S. Super Soldier experimentation—during one of his lucid spells, after HYDRA’s latest mastermind Alexander Pierce used the codewords on him for the last time in 2008. What his research on Bradley uncovered broke his heart something fierce, but Bucky had tucked it away until now.

“Were you the only one who knew about him?” Sam demanded as they walked down the street, toward the setting sun. Bucky’s heart was hammering in his chest. His mouth had gone dry.

“I couldn’t tell anyone…he’d…he’d been through too much, Sam.”

The reasoning had seemed good enough to him. Yet Sam now insisted, “No! You don’t think he could have had hope? You don’t think he could have been someone else’s hope?”

Sam glared disbelievingly at Bucky. He tried not to flinch. Had he been wrong this whole time?

“I asked you a question, Bucky.”

“I know.” He was looking for an adequate response.

When he took too long, Sam snapped. “Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a black Super Solider? After all this time?”

Just then a police cruiser pulled up and blocked their path in the street, the engaged siren painting the sidewalk in red and blue light. Before Bucky knew it, the cops were asking to see Sam’s I.D., which the other man said he didn’t have on him. Exasperated at being interrupted, as tense as the situation was, Bucky urged him to stop playing around, to show them his I.D., but Sam refused hotly.

“What do you want? We’re having a conversation.”

The second officer shifted his weight to his back foot, placed his hand on his hand gun and addressed Bucky. “Is this man bothering you, sir?”

“No!” he snapped and gestured to Sam with a hand in his jacket pocket. “Don’t you know who he is?”

Their attention returned to Sam. He stood still, fists clenched at his sides. When Bucky stepped forward, to lean in, to help somehow, Sam cut his eyes at him; as if he should have known what was happening. Bucky had been around long enough—one-hundred-six years to be exact—so he did know racial profiling when he saw it. He lowered his eyes to the gun on the officer’s hip—but it wouldn’t help the matter. Shame flooded his senses.

“We’re sorry, Falcon! Mr. Wilson!” the officers said after conferring with each other. “We didn’t recognize you without the goggles, man.”

Bucky frowned more deeply. It could have been true, but it felt wrong. What if his companion hadn’t been another Avenger? Sam was rightfully raging. What should they do?

The pair went over to the cruiser and returned suddenly with a warrant for Bucky’s arrest.

“Mr. Barnes, you missed your court-mandated therapy,” they informed him. Bucky closed his eyes wearily, only now recalling that it had been scheduled for two days ago. “It’s like missing time with your parole officer. We gotta take you in.”

Even after the police then carted him into the backseat, the haunted look in Sam’s eyes stayed with him as they drove off.

Of course, the waning day grew worse when he learned that John Walker, aka “Captain America” had vouched for him to get him released on bail. In fact, with his government clearance, Walker wiped Bucky’s schedule clean of appointments with Dr. Christina Raynor and fully expected him and Sam to see him after his last session with her.

“Now?” Bucky asked her, with exasperation.

“Yes,” she stressed, and looked toward Sam. “You, too. Come on.”

And well, it went worse than it should have gone. That happens sometimes, right?

She led them into an interrogation room and they took their seats. When the Morning Miracle Exercise failed, Dr. Raynor went on to use the Soul-gazing Exercise reserved for married couples. They were Avengers, charged with superhuman-enhanced work that meant life or death, so neither were surprised their fellow military officer used it on the pair. But Bucky couldn’t help but lean into the self-deprecation he knew Sam expected when she made her suggestion.

This time, Bucky wasn’t laughing. It wasn’t funny. It was serious.

“You’ll like this,” Sam mocked.

He returned the glare. “Of course I will.”

Dr. Raynor then ordered them to get closer. Bucky froze, so Sam took the reins and slotted their thighs together.

“Are you happy now?” he asked.

“It’s a little close.”

“It’s very close,” Sam snapped. “But that’s what you wanted, right?”

Bucky had refused to leave his side all day—so what? Although he wanted to turn his gaze to the floor, Bucky held Sam’s eyes. Having already noted Bucky’s “staring problem,” the other man caught on quickly and returned his competitive stare.

“Blink!” Dr. Raynor ordered, causing them to break. “Sweet Jesus! Now, James, tell me why Sam aggravates you so much.”

Bucky was aware there was no time to be surprised—after all, she had found out that up until today, he’d been ignoring Sam’s text messages—and with nowhere to hide from Sam’s insistently offensive gaze, Bucky leaned forward just a bit, so Sam would understand that he’d only say this once.

“Steve believed in you. He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield…that is everything he stood for. That is his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing.”

“Shut up.”

Bucky refused. “So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, maybe he was wrong about me.”

“Alright,” Sam replied swiftly. “Are you done?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, good.” In his seat, Sam drew himself to his full height. “Maybe this is something you or Steve will never understand. But can you accept that I did what I thought was right?” Sam stared hard, and Bucky gaped, not knowing what to say. “You know what? We don’t have time for this. We have some real shit going on. So how about this? I will squash it right now. We go deal with that, and when we’re done, we both can go on separate, long vacations and never see each other again.”

Bucky sat back in his seat, feeling defeated. Sam just barely held himself from rolling his eyes and addressed Dr. Raynor. “You know what, Doc? This was great. A great exercise.”

“I’m glad,” she said genially, as he moved to his feet and swiftly headed for the door. Bucky’s brows furrowed, as he realized how unlike him it was for the ever-polite Sam Wilson to depart from anyone rudely. Dr. Raynor continued, “I think it went well. You two seem to talk more than his ignored texts of yours would lead someone to believe.”

That halted Sam’s steps enough for him to throw a bewildered glance at her over his shoulder. And then he was gone. Bucky briefly held his fingers to his brow, before moving to his feet to follow.

“What is it?” Dr. Raynor asked. Bucky quickly turned for the door. “I know that look. James.” After a huff, he turned around to face her. “What’s wrong?”

Bucky frowned at the linoleum and crossed his arms at his chest. Sam’s pain was at a level he never could have imagined causing. Bucky did that. The possibility of never seeing Sam again was a sudden strike to his heart, and it made him feel empty.  

“What was rule number two, Doc?”

Christina raised her brow disapprovingly. “Don’t hurt anyone.”

“Right.” He smiled sadly at her to convey his meaning. Her frown softened to concern. “Goodbye, Doc.”

He found Sam just a dozen yards from the front entrance, waiting for Bucky expectantly, when police sirens drew their attention. Walker and Hoskins called them over, resulting in a battle of wits Bucky would be proud to say they won. Sam was correct in that those two would need security clearance he and Bucky wouldn’t need.

“Then, stay the hell out my way,” Walker snapped, causing Bucky to frown, equal parts unsurprised and disturbed by his repeated demonstration of lacking respect for power.

When he and Sam exchanged glances, he felt they were on even footing again. Bucky’s strategic mind half-wanted to plot a trap for the irritating pair and also wanted to learn more about how those new Super Soldiers received whatever kind of serum they had and the details of their motives for illegally transporting vaccines across central and eastern Europe.

As they walked away, he figured it was best to let Walker fall into his own net.

After all, pride comes before the fall.

“Bucky,” Sam hissed, halfway down the nearest alley. “What the hell are you thinking?”

“Do you understand why I brought you to see Isaiah Bradley?”

“In a way, yes,” he huffed, long-suffering. “He’s like you and Steve.”

“Right. Well, he said that when the U.S. held him as a prisoner, even my people got to him.”

“He didn’t mean it like that. Not…’white people.’”

“No, I know. He meant HYDRA agents in disguise.” Sam’s mouth thinned at their mention. “I’m gonna go see Zemo.”

“Not a chance, man.”

“Walker doesn’t have any leads,” Bucky stressed, holding his gloved vibranium palm open. “Zemo’s the only one left alive who knows all of HYDRA’s secrets. Don’t you remember Siberia?”

“Of course, I remember. He’s the only one left alive because he personally saw to it.” Sam halted. Bucky turned back to him. “Now, since you’re so good at taking care of yourself, I will thank you for coming on this mission with me—although no one asked you to. And I expect you to thank me for coming with you.”

“What…are you saying, Sam?”

“We’re gonna see Zemo.” Bucky blinked, and then he chuckled, and even managed to smile his sudden, wild pleasure and gratitude. But somewhere along the way, Sam had gone somber. He shifted his feet and gestured to Bucky with his hands in his jacket pockets. “So, Dr. Raynor knows you’ve been ignoring my texts?”

Bucky squinted into the nearest streetlight. “I don’t think a picture of a busted up sheet of metal on the side of the road and the question, ‘Is this you?’ is worth noting.”

“It’s not to you, smartass, but okay. I’ll take that.” As he kicked at the ground, Bucky grimaced at himself. “Well, I realized you were avoiding me, so I haven’t called and I haven’t texted. What was so different about today, that you had to find me on the airstrip at Fort Meade?” When Bucky opened his mouth, he said, “I mean it. Really. If we’re gonna do this together…”

At first he scoffed, affronted that Sam would make him say it. But at now seeing the light come back into the other man’s eyes, at a shadow of friendliness, Bucky took the chance to make up for the pain he’d caused.

“Of course I can’t speak for Steve. But if giving up the shield really was the right thing to you, I can try to accept it. I do accept it.” Sam was reluctantly surprised. Bucky stepped closer. “But you don’t give away gifts that were intended for you. No matter what you’re afraid of happening.”

Now, that brought Sam up short. “Excuse me?”

Bucky pressed on his point. “That shield is still yours.”

“No, dammit,” he said, springing forward and pacing around agitatedly. “I don’t want the shield!”

“But—“ Bucky turned with him.

“I just want a day, post-Blip, where it feels like I’m not falling apart! Just one day! And I will get it—”

Bucky started, suddenly confronted by the weight of his own offense.

Wanting to take responsibility, wanting Sam to just stop so Bucky could help, he grabbed the front of the other’s man’s jacket, causing Sam to swallow his words. Sam moved to remove his hand but Bucky blocked the blow and held fast.

“Dammit, I’m sorry,” he whispered urgently. “I’m sorry for today, Sam.”

Sam’s brow furrowed. He was tired. More than anything he wondered what Bucky was doing.

“Do you see me? I’m right here, Sam— “

He tried to pull away. “I didn’t want you here.”

“Well, it’s too late, now. I’m on your side. That’s what I meant when I said I’d accept your decision.”

As he loosened his hold, Sam looked at him with a mixture of emotions: mostly dubiousness and something cautious, like the fear of slipping off of a dock and into a lake. He tugged the rest of his jacket out of Bucky’s grip. Always aware of his own imperfections, Bucky nodded to the younger man wearily.

After at times spending decades on Cryo-ice at the HYDRA Siberian base, Bucky understood that his history of mental stability was short; seven-years-long at most. But it was a good history, much of which Sam had seen to himself, and a future which he trusted Sam with.

“I’ll even make tomorrow better. That’s a given. I’m on your side,” he repeated. Sam was gazing at him with a soft tick between his brow, an expression Bucky had never seen. He smiled, and Sam looked away, flexing his hands in his pockets.

Bucky stepped backward to the edge of the alley and leaned his weight on the building behind, watching and waiting patiently for Sam’s reply.

Dr. Raynor was right. They were going to reach Helmut Zemo, because Bucky didn’t have to fear ever being subject to the Winter Solider codewords again. He was new now. He was free. He could do this.

Ever the pragmatist, Sam said slowly, “Well, I’ll know it when I see it.”

Surprised by his own amusement, Bucky inclined his head to hide his smile. Then he pushed off the wall and followed Sam’s lead to where he’d parked their rental car.

“New York’s only a four-hour drive,” he said once they found it. Sam was already shaking his head. “You should take me home.”

“You’re an idiot, if you think I’d ever do that. You’re also way more talkative than usual.” Bucky shrugged, trying not to feel exposed. Sam glanced at him from the driver’s seat and chuckled as they pulled off. “Like I said.”

But Bucky didn’t reply, instead choosing to peer out of the passenger window. Sam caught his smile after a few minutes, but Bucky just shook his head, aiming to keep the peace.

He didn’t mind an exchange of insults at all anymore, if it meant things between them were fine: a foundation to build on. Secure in this, he remained silent on the short drive back to the fort, where the Quinjet was waiting.

________

I couldn’t resist. My shipping goggles slid into place when Sam said, “He didn’t mean it like that,” and Bucky said, “I know.” It was so precious. 

I wrote this out last week, very dry pre-slash canon compliance stuff, before episode 3 aired. 

The entire fic will definitely be AU--Canon Divergent after episode 2. The plan with the plot is for Sam and Bucky not to reach Zemo so easily, because I rather think he’s involved in the rise of the Flag Smashers. *spoiler*-->Even if not in canon, that’s the case here. 

Title: Love to Burn (Phases of the Moon)

Summary:

It takes a month for Sam and Bucky to reach the Avengers’ old Sokovian rival, Helmut Zemo, somewhere the evil mastermind shouldn’t be. In that span of time, everything changes between them.

*or*

When the Falcon takes a pause, the Winter Soldier learns to stay.

Relevant Tags for what’s to come: 

MCU, TFATWS, Post-Captain America Movies, Post-Avengers: Endgame, Episode Coda, Post-Episode 1x02, AU—Canon Divergence, Not Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Accidental Boyfriends, Slice of Life, Getting Together, Drama/Romance, Action/Adventure, Canon-Typical Violence, HYDRA (defunct), SHIELD (defunct), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Nightmares, Recovery, Loyalty, POV Bucky Barnes, Sam is a wet dream, Bucky is a consuming fire, Since this is a ship, Based on a song

Rating: M

Characters: James “Bucky” Barnes, Sam Wilson, Diane Raynor (Marvel), Sarah Wilson (Marvel), Sharon Carter (Marvel), Helmut Zemo (Marvel), Pepper Potts (mentioned), James Rhodes (mentioned), Steve Rogers (mentioned)

What I am doing for the next few posts

Warning: I talk about blood and a possibly of death.

So, my cat shadow(that cutie) is sick. He might have a blood clot in his lung. He might have something else. We don't know.

But I will be posting updates on him, bit first let me tell you the full story:

My family has 5 pets. 3 cats, 2 dogs, all inside animals. We take the outside sometimes, but we have to watch them due to us living next to the forest, an we have to watch for birds other cats and other animals. (And our neighbor has a bit of a vicious dog) so we go out with them.

My cat, my fur baby, is having fun in the grass as our dogs go insane, I think meeka(my dog) did not see him and ran over him almost. Making him bolt across the yard and to the cars in the driveway. I followed after him and he does his "I'm so happy, I'm outside, look at me go mom!" And gives me love. He then walks over the to truck, I am by the car that is on the other side of the driveway.

My sister said that she say shadow dripping from the mouth, then he fell over. I thought he was being silly due to how far away I was, but the I saw how he was clawing at the ground and trying so hard to get to my sister. We got him out from under the truck and then I ran and got my mom and dad.

My mom and dad and sister stood around him blocking me from getting to him. I started to panic due to having stress and all that jazz from life for too long. I was almost in tears trying to get to him. At that moment, my aunt comes up the driveway all smiles and joy, till she sees that we are all freaking out about my fur baby.

We take him up to the shade, to cool him down a bit, then we take him inside. He starts doing the "I'm throwing up" thing that cats do. And we stand by him for a bit, then he tries up...

And I am in tears...

Because it's all red...

It's all blood...

I start to panic and I kinda started almost begging my mom to get him to the vet, more than before.

We get him into a cage and we get in the car. I think at that point I might of had a small kind of panic attack, it was all pain I could not stop crying and I just clung to the cage shadow was in.

He starts to panic due to me being in a panic, so he mowing in distress from pain or panic. And we race to the vet.

When we get in the vet I stand there, not knowing what to do, the lady's at the desk ask how they can help me and I say in the most stupid way possible "I think my cat just threw up blood".

I'm this child, holding a cage, tears in my red eyes, a cat in distress, not knowing what to do. My mom comes in and saves the day. Talking and joking with the lady's behind the desk. We get him in and into the back, and we sit in this room.

The room was blank and boring. The only sounds are people walking around and the clock on the wall.

The pain in my head is getting worse as I sit there, waiting for someone to come in and say that shadow is fine... Or dead. It done not take long for the doctor to come in, but it feels like it took years. When she came in, she asks us what happened, we told her and she said "we want to take an x-ray, but it will cost $300"

I look to my mother with pleading eyes. Begging her to say yes, so see what was wrong with my cat. She says ok, and he got an x-ray.

Before I continue, some things you need to know. We are in the middle of fixing the yard, we have thorn bushes everywhere and had the sick of them in too tall grass. All of our pets are goats, and eat grass 24/7.

Back to the x-ray, my mother keeps saying it could be that he had eaten a thorn and it cut his stomach or throat.

The doctor comes back and says that it could be a blood clot in his lungs, and due to the abnormal look that it had, that could be it.

We wait a bit longer, with more crying. the doctor comes back and asked if they could take a blood sample to see if it was a heart failure, the test was free and we say yes. We ask if we could have him in the room. We can and I get to hold him. He is mostly on my left arm and my left arm is a twig, so it got sore holding my fat fur baby.

Another thing that needs to be said, he is on pain killers, so he is kinda high.

I give him to my mom to hold. He the tries to get out of her arms, so I grab him so he does not scratch her. He then lays down in my arms and melts, he does not move, he just rests in my arms after trying so hard to get on the ground.

I guess he only trust me with holding him. Cute.

The doctor comes back with the results and...

It was not a heart failure. We still don't know what it is, but we do know it's a bunch of liquid in the lung. She says she could send the x-rays to a specific person who the name of I can't remember, it would add another 200/300 dollars to the bill. So we say no, and she ask if he could stay here till she had to go. She left at 8, and it was 5:30 at the time.

She said that she just wanted to watch him once the pain killer wore off. I said ok, my mom said ok. So he stayed.

When we did drive I ended up getting pissed in a weird way and made an alarm on my phone call "get my cat back" and I ended up glaring out the window as we drove home.

My mom then dropped me off at home to wait till we could get shadow. But she had to go clean out my grandmothers apartment, due to her passing on.

When my alarm when off I texted my mother asking if we are going to get him soon.

My mom quickly got him and we got a litter box for in my room so he stayed in one closed in area.

When my mom got home, I was by the door and as soon as the thing we have outside to tell us when someone or something was on our driveway I was outside grabbing shadow from the car and taking him inside.

But as soon as I open the car door he meows at me. The only time he meowed the whole car ride. And it was at me. It was that "omg mom! I'm home" meow. And he walked around downstairs a bit, peed, then I took him up to my room.

We are sitting in my room right now and he will not stop purring.

I'm sleeping on the floor so he can get to me without jumping up anywhere.

We are taking him into the vet again tomorrow at 1:30 to check his breathing.

But for now, he needs rest.

I will post more about this if anything pops up. I'm sorry for how long this is. And sorry for any spelling errors.

It is a good story to pull at your heart. And so far the ending seems to be going good.

Talk to you all later.