MedicieanWrites - Tumblr Posts

hi pretties and handsome. im mediciean, a writer from az. I write about God, for God, and to God. I also write romance for black women and about black women who love Jesus.

age: 17

gender: female

interest: writing, reading, praying, anime, studying and cheerleading.

wattpad: Mediciean

all my original writing is tagged under #medicieanWrites

Dni: porn blogs, proship blogs, racism, sexism, pedophilia, Zionism, antisemitism. basically just be a good person. you don’t have to believe in what I believe but be respectful. 🩷

note! i am NOT an impersonator nor a speaker for the Bible. i encourage everyone to read the Bible for themselves especially if you want to learn how to become a proverbs 31 woman. this page is to show aesthetics, poetry, love, and share the good word.

all images do not belong to me! they are found on Pinterest/the internet. i do not claim to own these images!

UNDERESTIMATE chapter 1

"Go ahead and clock out, Esmé, I'll take care of this", Mrs Jones says, coming from behind me to grab the rag that I was using to scrub the crumbs off the counter. I smiled warmly back at her and nodded with a tired sigh escaping my nose.

No tired would be understatement. I was exhausted beyond my mind. Getting a job at a coffee shop, I had thought I would finally get my mind off things. But it seems that the faster life style of signing off coffees and baking croissants only signaled to my brain to catch up.

I pack up my little belongings in my tote bag before checking my cellphone. Thankfully it wasn't too late, the last thing I wanted was to be too tired for my first day of senior year. I state a quick goodbye to Mrs Jones before rushing to my car in the front parking lot and turning the key to the ignition.

This summer had to be the hardest time of my life. Ever since I moved in with the dad it seemed as if everything was dull and slow. That's part of the reason why I decided to get a job, but also because I was tired of hearing dad talk about getting "therapy". The last thing I needed was to talk to a shrink.

Honestly, I'm fine. I don't even think about the incident anymore, why would I need to talk about it?

"Esmé?", I hear as I walk through the front door and place my keys on the rack, "Is that you?".

"Yeah", I call back, shuffling off my coat. I hear the sounds of feet shuffling and as I lift my head I could see my step mother with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Isn't it awfully late to still be out, sweetheart?".

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, "I thought I told you not to call me that Angelica. I had a late shift". It wasn't even that late but I guess a teenager staying past 8 was taboo around this place. I walk past Angelica who let out a breath of air behind me. I found my way to the kitchen where I grabbed a cold water bottle before turning to go to my new room.

That is until I'm interrupted by my father who stood behind me with his arms crossed. I jump in surprise.

"Geez dad!".

Just like his wife, I thought to myself.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?".

"Uh", I look down at my phone, "10:45?".

"Exactly", states the darkskin man who scowls at my response, "Esmé I know you're new to this but I thought I told you not to be out when the streetlights are on".

"I wasn't trying to but my coworker left early so I took her shift. I didn't think it would be a big deal".

"A big deal? Anything can happened to you out there! You can't just stay out till the crack of dawn without letting anyone know".

The urge to roll my eyes was really dawning on me, "Well I tried to call you dad but you didn't answer".

He replies, "I thought I told you that if I'm at work to call Angelica".

"Why would I do that? It's not like she'd answer, she's too busy getting her hair and nails done", I state as I crack open the water bottle and throw the cold liquid into my mouth.

"Esmé! Watch your mouth".

"Look I'm sorry okay? It won't happen again", I groan as I move past the older man to the stairs.

"It better not! I'm expecting better from you Esmé. Remember to be up by 6 tomorrow!".

"Yeah whatever", I mumble to myself as I make it to the last step before getting to the second floor and walking to my bedroom.

He acts as if I'm a baby, like I can't take care of myself. It was so frustrating! Especially since he never treats Angelica's kids this way. Once I moved in it felt as if I was this weird situation that they're all hoping they can solve so I can get out of their hair.

I tried to clear my mind by taking a shower, washing my dyed red locs before tying them up and exfoliating my body. When I had finished and lotion my entire body, I smelled like honey and coco butter.

But even then when I lie in my freshly washed sheets and looked up at the white painted ceiling I still had that feeling. It was unexplainable. Not numb but not fulfilled either. I didn't know what it was.

By the time I dozed off it was meaningless sleep that had went and gone. I'm awoken by my loud alarm that I quickly grab and slam it on the counter to shut off.

My eyes swiftly close again to go back asleep. Until I hear a loud bang at my door.

"Esmé! Open up!".

No one but Justin. Justin is my unofficial my step brother but it wasn't like we ever talked. He stayed his way and I stayed in mine. I'm pretty sure the only time he said two words to me is when I moved in and he asked me to return his game system since my room was his old room.

So the fact that he was banging on my door at 6 in the morning was a shock.

Displeased, I grumble and wrap my body with my blanket and make my way to the door. I unlock it before flipping it open and looking up at the 18 year old teen, "Yes?".

Justin walks past me without a second thought, "Melanie is taking too long in the bathroom".

"Uh—okay", I reply bewildered by the weird interaction. Not a second later I hear my shower turn on and the sounds of ASAP Rocky fill the room.

I hate that kind of music.

"Good morning to you too!", I shout annoyed, "Jerk".

Well while he's in there I might as well get dressed. First days meant first impressions. And not just any first impressions. Good first impressions.

I'm sure everyone had heard about the incident by now, let's just say our town was small enough where words spread around fast.

I bend down and find some clothes from my suitcase. I'm not sure why I haven't unpacked everything. A part of me hopes that maybe if I keep my things away it'll be easier to take them back to my real home.

When I'm tying my shoes is when Justin returns from the bathroom, wearing an all white  shirt and baggy capris with brown Jordan's. His hair was defined and curly and he was spraying on some cologne as he walked in my room.

I ignore him, grabbing a hair tie from the drawer and tying my locs up in a half up half down style.

"I'm not a jerk", he grumbles.

"What?", I ask, turning to him with furrowed eyebrows.

"You called me a jerk? I'm not. I just don't like you", he states before walking out my room, slamming the door behind him.

"Yeah well.. ditto!", I yell back but it was hopeless he was probably already downstairs.

So what?! I didn't like any of them either. They act like just because they have money they can walk around like they own the world.

Well it's not going to work on me. I dust off my pants before opening the door and walking downstairs.

I'm met with the sight of Justin playing with his basketball on the couch, Melanie looking at herself in the mirror and Angelica working on something in the kitchen.

"Oh good morning Esmé!", Angelica chirps as I walk in the kitchen, a spatula in her hand and a mitten in her other, "Care for a waffle? Pancake?".

"No thanks", I dismiss her and instead grab a water bottle from the fridge and a granola bar from the pantry. As I'm eating the oats and chocolate my dad comes down the stairs fiddling with his tie.

"Okay kiddos! First day of school!", he states overly excited, "Now I expect everyone to be on their best behavior. Make sure your phones are charged and you have your schedules".

"Dad we're not 4", Melanie giggles from her place in front of the mirror, fixing her loc that fell in front of her face.

Dad.. it sounds weird coming out of her mouth. I supposed I'm used to dad being well my dad. Me and Eli's dad. I'm not used to hearing the sound of that word coming from someone else's mouth to reference my father.

"Well I know that honey but I just want you guys to stay safe".

I grab my bag, ready to leave this house but when I go to grab my keys they're nowhere to be found, "Where are my keys?", I exclaim.

"After your little stunt last night I thought you needed a little break from the car", Dad replies with a cross of his arms.

My mouth drops, seriously?! He can't just do that, "Wh-what about work?".

"Justin can drive you. Right Justin?".

Justin waves him off, "Sure. Whatever".

"Great", states dad as he walks into the kitchen and comes behind Angelica.

I watch as he grabs behind her causing her to squeal and tell him to knock it off with a laugh, "Oh hush you know you love it", he chuckles as he kisses her neck.

Angelica smiles brightly, turning around and fixing the older man's tie, "When do you think you'll be back?".

"Around 5".

"That's a bit early don't you think?".

"I told you I'd start taking some shifts off.. remember what we talked about?". And from the way their eyes darted towards me before flipping back towards each other I could tell that whatever they talked about involved the name 'Esmé'.

"Okay kiddos! It's 6:50, let's rock and roll", dad announces, grabbing his brief case and giving Angelica a kiss-goodbye.

Melanie, Justin, and I all made our way to the front door. Dad gave Melanie a kiss on the forehead before dapping up Justin then finally moving towards me.

He tried to give me a hug but I stop him with a shake of my head and follow the other two out the door.

We made it to Justin's red convertible, Melanie starting to open the door to the passenger side but Justin stops her before she can.

"Mel get in the back".

The young girl looks up at him with puffy cheeks, "What why?".

"Oldest are in the front remember? Dad's rule".

"That rule is stupid we don't even follow it half the time".

"Doesn't matter", Justin states with a shake of his head, "You're the youngest".

"That's not fair! I'm only a year younger than you two—".

I watched between the siblings the argument unfold before I decided to cut them off, "I can sit in the back", I open the door and slide inside.

Justin and Melanie look at each other before Melanie smirks and opens the passenger door.

"Whatever", Justin grumbles as he slides inside his car and turns on the ignition.

The entire ride I popped my headphones in and listen to some gospel music instead of the weird rap Justin had on. It distracted me as we drove to the school. Melanie sprayed about a thousand tons of perfume on, claiming it was for her boyfriend or her crush or something— I spaced out half the time. Whatever it was it was burning my nose.

See Melanie was everything I hated in girls my age, she was loud, obnoxious and only cared about her looks. She never focused on school so how she was still in it surprised me. The fact that I had to call her my step sister was something I don't ever think I'll be used to. But I had to admit she was one of the most prettiest girls at our school.

Even before dad met Angelica I knew who Melanie was. Her brown locs, light skin, and deep brown eyes held the attention of many guys. She always dressed in luxury brands and smelled sweet like cotton candy, now I can see why since she sprays so much of it on at 7 in the morning.

"We're here", Justin states, opening his door and slamming it close.

What is with him and slamming doors?

I fix my backpack over my shoulder before opening my door, watching as Melanie already huddles up with her clique and they walk towards the entrance of the school.

"Lincoln High school oh how I've missed you", I groan sarcastically as I shut the door behind me and make my way through the crowds of bystanders.

Our schedules are given to us via email so my face was burrowed in my phone as the bell rang. I look up and see the number to my first class and a smile paints my face as I walk a little faster.

But just as I need one more step to reach the door suddenly a body slams into mine. My feet lose their footing as my arms swing back and forth as I fall to the ground with a loud THUD.

"Ouch..", I grumble, rubbing my back as my face meet with the other body. But as my eyes meet one blue eye and and one brown, they suddenly widen.

"Tristan?".

The boy looks at me in shock but he quickly masks it and shakes his head, lifting to his feet. "Why don't you watch where you're going?".

He scowls before turning around and opening the door to the classroom I was trying to get to. I sat there confused, feeling all types of eyes on me. Some laughing. Some looking at me like I was crazy. I managed to find the strength to raise to my feet and hold my tears back.

"Ah Miss Poverly, so happy to see you decided to join us", states the teacher, Mr Alfonso, who had an aggravated grin on his face. I meet eyes with Tristan who was all the way in the back but once he sees me another scowl fall on his face and he looks down at the paper on his desk.

A few memeber of the class snicker as I find my assigned seat and immediately put my head down.

So much for good first impressions.

UNDERESTIMATE chapter 2

The first week of school was hell.

Maybe I'm overthinking, and maybe I'm just not used to it since summer break but it feels as if I'm in jail every time I walk through my school doors.

Here I am now, doodling on my notebook cover. I had drowned out whatever Ms Porter was saying and instead started day dreaming about finally graduating and leaving this place.

Thankfully, they haven't pounded us with homework so I was free mostly during class. However, I still had a lengthy schedule that included extracurricular activities, one of those being gym. So when the bell rang to sixth period I knew exactly where I was headed.

A large thump is hit against my shoulder, I turn my head around to see Tristan walking with his friends. His eyes dull and his lips downturned. This is how it has been this week. He acts like he hates me.

He won't even acknowledge my existence.

When I get to gym the coach immediately states we'll be running laps. Just my luck! See the thing with locs, they're heavy and when you're exercising they get hot. So the last thing you wanted was to run with waist length locs that sweat your scalp out. However, there wasn't like I had a choice so I swallowed my nerves and my pride and pulled my hair up into a tight low bun.

The run began and I was behind everyone. I tried my best to keep up but it was only a matter of time before my legs couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey! Fellow slow runner?", A voice comes from behind me as I was trying to catch my breath.

"Huh?", I pant before looking up to see another girl, light skin with full lips and sister locs smiling down on me, also trying to catch her breath, "Oh yeah I've never been good at running.. or exercising.. or anything athletic".

We laugh together as she runs beside me, the rest of the class far ahead of us.

"Same here. I don't even know why I chose gym. Maybe I was missing a credit or something", she laughs, "I'm Vanessa".

"Esmé", I reply back with a smile, "I don't think I've seen you around here before?".

"That's a pretty name. I'm new. My dad's an entrepreneur and an engineer so we move around a lot. Hopefully we don't leave during the school year like last time, I'd really like to graduate on time".

"Oh I see! So you must see a lot of different cities and stuff", I exclaim, Vanessa nodding with a grin.

"More like different countries. I'm originally from Canada but the best place to live in? Gotta be London".

"London?", she's been to London?! Now that's crazy, "Let me guess you're an expert tea drinker", I ask with a butchered English accent.

"Well I'll have you know, darling, that tea enthusiasts have nothing on the gallons I drank that year", she replies in an equally butchered English accent that causes both of us to laugh.

But we're rudely cut off by our coach screeching a whistle from the bleachers and screaming, "Come on ladies! Move it move it move it!".

"Uh oh coach might make us to sit up's if we don't catch up", I joke, Vanessa giggling with a nod.

"Yea you're right. Hey weird question though, do you happen to sit with anyone at lunch?".

I sigh and shake my head, "Unfortunately no. Besides the Lord. I am a complete and utter loser with no friends".

"Well.. so am I! Wanna be complete and utter losers with no friends together?".

A smile spreads on my face and in that moment I knew; I had just found my new best friend.

The rest of gym passed by more smoothly now that I actually had someone to talk to. Vanessa was sweet and kind, she told me about her adventures in different parts of the world. Like learning to skydive in Florida. Or petting animals in Alaska. It was shocking to hear just how many places she had lived in. 

We were now walking side by side to lunch, Vanessa telling me a story on the time she had gotten bitten by a rattlesnake and they rushed to the hospital.

"What did it feel like?", I ask, astonished.

"It hurt like I don't know what", she giggles, "But after a while the pain kinda went away and it just went numb. Thank God a clinic was on the other side of the road I don't know what would've happened if it wasn't".

We made it to the lunch room where we grabbed our trays and took our seats at one of the tables.

"Enough about me, let's move on to you. Where do you plan on attending college?", Vanessa asks with genuine interest that catches me off guard.

Truth was the idea of college wasn't exactly appealing. But I knew that if I wanted to leave this town and finally be free from the past it would have to be my only option. I brought a cold fry to my mouth and chew it slowly, "Maybe somewhere overseas. I'd love to be around the ocean".

"Oh yeah the ocean is beautiful", the woman sighs as she lays her head in an open palm, "You'll love it, the smell, the look the— woah.. who is that?". Suddenly Vanessa's eyes widen and her body perks up as the culprit of who sparks her interest walks across our table.

My eyebrows furrow as I watched Tristan walk with his group of boys who were laughing and slapping one another on the back. Tristan being the only one to have a straight face even when his friend told him to "lighten up".

"That's Tristan", I mumble, picking up my fork and playing with my Mac and cheese.

"Girl he is fine. Did you see those eyes? I wonder if they're real".

They are. I shrug and take a slow sip of my chocolate milk, "He's okay I guess".

Vanessa turns to be with a gasp escaping her lips, "Oh is he your ex or something? I'm sorry—".

"No no", I quickly usher while waving my hands back and forth, "It's not like that. We.. we used to know each other.. when we were kids".

"Ah I see", Vanessa replies, "Sucks though, you two would make cute couple".

Ha. Yea right.

Tristan couldn't stand me.

But I guess I couldn't blame him.

After school Vanessa gave me her number before promptly and sort-of scarily demanding that I call her. I promised her I would as we separated our ways. The walk to the parking lot was hefty so I slung my bag over my shoulder as I made my way towards Justin's car.

That is until I stopped in my tracks upon seeing a familiar face leaning against my step-brother's car.

When I met eyes with Tristan it was as if my heart began to beat out of my chest. Time seemed to move in slow motion as his mouth dropped open before shutting tightly and looking away. But just as soon as the butterflies came I immediately felt a sense of hatred as Justin came around the car.

"Are you coming or not?! I have to drop you off, we have to study", he exclaims before throwing an arm over Tristan.

I stared at the boys for a while before chucking angrily and rolling my eyes, "Yeah no", I turn on my heel and walk away.

"Wait— where are you going, Esmé?!", Justin called behind me but I promptly ignored him.

Just my luck. So now he's friends with Justin. He hates me and now he's friends with my MORTAL enemy.

Just. My. Luck.

I had made it about a few feet from the school when I felt the hot air from an engine graze my leg. It didn't take long for me to realize that Justin had drove beside me on the road and began to roll his window down.

"Yo get in the car", he states but I only cross my arms over my chest harder.

"Leave me alone".

"Esmé cut it out, I told dad I'd bring you home before 5".

"Leave me alone, Justin".

"Dude—

"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!", I scream, catching Justin and Tristan, who was sitting in the passenger seat, off gaurd, "I'm walking to work!".

"Geez, fine".

After my outburst I guessed Justin had taken the hint because his car came to an abrupt halt. Both the boys watching me swiftly walk away till I turned the corner, completely out of sight.

"Lord give me strength", I sniffle as I aggressively wipe away the tears that spilled from the feelings of dread filling me instantly. I knew Tristan wouldn't be able to forgive me but seeing him now, seeing how much he despised me, it was definitely hurting more than I thought it would.

We used to be so close.

Him, Eli, and I.

And while I love the Lord I still fall.

I still struggle to pick up my bible.

I still forget to pray.

And while I love the Lord sometimes I doubt him.

I wonder why and how he has let the world become a place of destruction and dissonance.

I allow my mind to convince my subconscious that I am not loved.

That I am not favored.

And while I love the Lord I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to love him the way he loves me.

If I'll ever be able to feel as completed and whole within the spaces of my heart for one and only person.

If one day I'll end in the mourning of the evening with no one and nothing and still be able to say, "I love you Jesus".

Will I ever be able to love the Lord the way he deserves?

While I love him, I may never know the answer.

UNDERESTIMATE chapter 3

It was dark. A sharp pain hits my abdomen. It's cold. Cold and sharp. But not sharp enough to completely melt into the flesh of my stomach. No, only sharp enough to break skin.

It's so cold.

I swear I feel shivers concave from my head to my toes.

Why is it so cold?

Wait..

Now it's hot.

Almost too hot. Almost like I'm putting my hand on a stove. It spreads from my fingers to my neck. I feel a sense of urgency as the heat rises.

I can't breathe.

It's so hot.

Why is it so hot?

Why can't I move?

It's hot.. so hot.. but in a way I still feel cold.

"Eli..", my mouth opens to croak, "I'm.. sorry".

I shoot up from my bed, desperately looking around my room. The only source of light pouring from the crack left from my blinds. I look down at my shakey hands before closing them into fist and holding them to my head, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Come on, Esmé, get it together", I breathe, sniffling away the tears that threatened to fall, "This is pathetic and you know it".

I didn't like feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way.

I throw the covers off my body and quickly rush out the room to the kitchen where I fill up a cup with some tap water. Slowly drinking the water, I take some deep breaths to relax my beating heart.

Sometimes, the dreams never came.

Sometimes it was only glimpse and glances.

I tried to push them down as much as I could.

I wasn't sure what time it was but guessing to the sounds of birds chirping awake, it was some time in the morning.

Well I'm already awake.. might as well get something done. With my glass half full, I place it on the counter before fixing my bonnet and grabbing a broom.

Whenever I needed to clear my mind I would clean. Not because it was expected of me or anything. It was simply a way that I could engage. Something I can do with my hands.

My eyes sting, drained from the few tears that fell and now dry with exhaustion. However, I let the thirty minutes pass me by without a second glance. Too preoccupied with sweeping, mopping, and washing.

When I had finished the sun had already set in its place in the sky. I took a step back and admired the now spotless kitchen and living room, smiling at my work. But it was short lived as I hear what sounds like a crash upstairs before the lights flickered on and two bodies come tumbling downstairs.

"I told you I'm using it first!", that was definitely Melanie, screeching in all her glory.

"You had it all last week! It's my turn", and that was most definitely Justin.

I felt my eyes close in frustration. All my hard work will be gone in a second.

Just as the pair come downstairs, arguing over the television— Really?! That was what they were arguing about?— Angelica strolls in. Her hair already perfectly styled in a bun while she wore an off tan pajama set along with a fluffy robe.

"Oh Esmé! You're awake", she softly exclaims, "And you cleaned! Aww thank you sweetheart—".

"Don't call me that", I state, turning my back from her and walking to the front door.

"Wh-where are you going?", she asks as I slide on my house shoes and open the front door.

"Out", I reply, grabbing Justin's keys from the hook and walking out the door.

He was preoccupied with Melanie and the tv anyways he wouldn't notice.

I sat in the car and turned the ignition. And then I sat there. I didn't know where to go. Minnesota has been my home since I was born and yet I had no idea where to go.

Somehow I step on the gas and I find myself driving down the road, watching the children play on the side of the road, the old couples embracing by holding hands and giving cheek kisses. I drove until I ended up at a random park.

There was bench along the side of the park gate which I took a seat at. Children and their parents were playing with each other on the park equipment. Mom catching their kids at the end of the slides and fathers pushing their own on the swings.

I couldn't help but smile. I always wanted to be a parent. I'm pretty sure it was one of the first prayers I prayed when I was a little girl.

"Ow".

Suddenly I feel a sharp, heated pain on my arm. Looking down I see a piece of ash fall off my arm. I raise my head up to see Tristan, smoking a cigarette.

He was leaning against the bench acting as if he didn't see me. And when I promptly smack his arm, he looks down at me, immediately scowling in annoyance.

"What?".

"You flicked your ash on me".

He shrugs, "Okay?".

I roll my eyes. He's always been mean. But it was always playfully. Innocent. Now I see how deep his cantankerous attitude could be.

"So you don't care?", I ask. Tristan chuckling but not with amusement.

"Why would I? It can't hurt that bad", he responds before taking one more puff from then bud then throwing it on the ground, stomping it out.

"What is wrong with you?".

He sighs, "Too much, but I thought you would've know that by now"

"Yeah I should've.. I guess I was just holding onto a false hope that you would forgive me", I laugh, resting my head on my hand, "Or at least still have love in your heart for me".

"Love? After you put me in a mental hospital—".

"It was a rehabilitation center—".

Tristan shakes his head, before his eyes meet mine, the blue one looking excessively brighter than usual, "How could I love someone who took away my best friend? My only friend?".

"How could I love someone who still blames me after fully knowing that it wasn't entirely my fault", I spit back, entirely over Tristan and this conversation, "I foolishly thought rehab would— I don't know.. fix you? But I guess I was wrong. As usual".

"Yeah.. yeah you were", the boy states before turning around, leaving me alone with the conversation we had replaying in my mind.

Tristan was right. I did take away his best friend. But I was right as well. He was still the same old Tristan.

Whether that was a good or bad thing? I'm not sure.