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Hiii i have a Javier Pena request if thats ok?🤍

I was wondering if you could do something where like Javi is a bit dismissive of the reader, but also not mean just ignores them or talks over them and they think he doesnt like them..

then shes on a mission and she gets injured and hes panicking back at the office. Shouting at steve to know where you are etc. then you come into the office like bruised and bloody and he rushes to you, protective. And he takes you to his and cleans you up, eventually leading to fluffy romantic smut and ending with cuddles and admitting his feelings for you

Scared Feelings

Pairings: Javier Peña x fem!reader

Genre: Angsty + Smut

Warnings: Blood, mentions of dying, cuts, wounds etc. MINORS DNI sex, cursing, naked, cum, you know the drill

MasterList

A/N: Ty for this lovely request! Enjoy! <3

You have been working with agent Peña and agent Murphy for some time. Ever since you three have been on with this Escobar case. This was probably the most serious and risk taking cases you have been on since you started working as a DEA agent. Murphy was a sweetheart around you, being a gentlemen and making sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Javi on the other hand, let’s just say you guys don’t talk that much. You wouldn’t consider yourself friends. Sure you two greet each other but it’s very awkward and the tension is very sharp for no reason. Steve tried asking you what’s been the issue between you and Javi but you can’t seem to know why he doesn’t like you. You brush it off mostly, not wanting it to effect you so much.

It’s been months since you guys haven’t caught Escobar and everyone was getting frustrated.

“If we don’t find this son of a bitch, we all are going into a shithole.” Steve gritted out through his teeth.

“We tried everything, nothing. His guys are talking, what else is there to do. He’s too smart for us.” You said as you took a drag from your cigarette,

“Then we outta risk it.” Javi said making you and Steve turn to look at him,

“Then what? Have us die and make shit more complicated here?”

Javi scoffed at Steve’s remark, “This is our job Steve, we’re meant to risk our lives.” You said making Steve sigh, he ran a hand through his mess blonde locks as he shook his head. “Fuck it.”

You were assigned a mission downtown where apparently one of Escobar’s closet henchmen was meeting up with someone relative to Escobar. Unfortunately, Steve and Javi were ordered to stay back at the office and signal out radio stations to get any phone call information from Escobar. You assigned with other DEA agents, you just wished you were with Steve and Javi even though Steve was most likely better to be around in these types of situations. “Currently downtown, no signs of any suspicion yet.” You said over the Walkie-Talkie to Steve

“Copy that.”

“You think she can handle this?” Javi asked as he took a drag from his cigarette

“Of course she can, you think she can’t?”

Javi shrugged “Just saying, she’s never done it without us before.”

Steve smirked as he looked at his partner

“What?”

“You like her, don’t ya?

Javi choked on the smoke from his cigarette “The fuck? What’s your problem?”

Steve just wheezed as Javi was turning red “Aw, come on man, I know you do. Is that why you’re always quiet around her?”

Javi sighed as he leaned back in his chair giving Steve the finger “Shut the fuck up man.” Steve just shrugged as he continued to snicker making Javi grumble.

“He’s on the move.” You said into the Walkie-Talkie as you got out of the vehicle and crouched as you slowly made your way over to the guy, Steve jumped at your voice “Copy that kid, stay hidden.”

“On it.” You signaled the other agents to go in different directions and to follow your lead no matter what. You noticed the guy giving the dude some clear bag with something in it. You couldn’t tell what. “Target in sight.”

“See? Piece of cake for her.” Javi rolled his eyes as him and Steve continued on getting any radio signal but also keeping the lookout for you. You were about to stand up but to only feel someone yank you to the ground. You yelped in surprise as you tried to fight back. Apparently you were tricked. The guy had more of Escobar’s henchmen surrounding the area you were at watching. “I’m down! It’s a trap!” You managed to say in the Walkie-Talkie while confusing to get the guy off of you. Javi’s eyes widened at that as Steve stood up grabbing the Walkie-Talkie. “Y/N! Hey! Kid! What’s going on!” You didn’t have time to answer as you were struggling with some guy on top of you with a gun.

“Perra estúpida, ¿crees que nos engañaste?” Stupid bitch, you think you outsmarted us? The guy said while punching you in the stomach making you yelp in pain, you tried to grab his fist but he was much more stronger than you. You quickly grabbed the Walkie-Talkie trying to respond back to Steve

“Send backup! Send backup!” You yelled as the man grabbed the Walkie-Talkie as started hitting you in the head with it before breaking it.

“Y/N! Hey! Y/N answer me! Shit!” Steve quickly got up to and ran to his and Javi’s office to grab his gun

“The fuck is happening?” Javi asked while also grabbing his gun

“She’s in trouble, it was a trap.”

“Fuck.” Javi said quietly, him and Steve exited the office was about to exit the building when Messina blocked their way

“And where do you think you two are going?”

“Y/N is in trouble boss, she needs backup.”

“I will take care of that, you two aren’t going anywhere.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Messina gave Javi a look

“Yes I am Agent Peña. We need you two signaling in the radio room right now.”

“But Y/N is in serious trouble right now Messina.” Steve said as he was getting frustrated knowing you were in danger.

“I understand that agent Murphy, but we are sending backup right now. I ordered you both a job, correct?”

Javi shook his head as he sighed “Yes Ma’am.” Messina nodded her hand

“Fantastic.” She dismissed them both as they walked back to the radio room.

“Fucking bullshit, she’s in trouble right now and she isn’t doing shit to help her. Fuck!” Javi slammed his gun down on the table harshly as he bounced his leg,

“Javi, calm down. Y/N is a strong one.”

“Anything could happen to her Steve.”

Steve gave Javi this look, “Who Are you and what you have with Javier Peña?”

“Fuck, I don’t have time for this Steve.”

Steve bit down a smile “Knew you liked her man.” He whispered knowing Javi couldn’t hear him.

“Ah!” You yelped as the guy that was broke your Walkie-Talkie slammed you into a wall. Where is Steve? Where is Javi? You kept thinking they weren’t coming. Tears were clouding your vision, you never been in this type of situation before for any mission you were assigned.

“Suéltame pedazo de mierda!” Let go of me you piece of shit! Your nose was bleeding as well as the side of your head from being pushed down in the cement of the sidewalk, you had bruises everywhere. The tears started to fall as you prayed for someone to save you. You jumped at every gunshot that rang around your surroundings, event DEA agent that was working with you was either dead or saving themselves. The guy grabbed you by the throat as he began to block your airway. You gasped for air as you grabbed onto the hand that was around your throat, punching at him to the best of your ability.

“Hora de morir perra DEA.” Time to die DEA bitch his other hand reached down to his gun as he aimed it towards your temple.Your heart was racing as you thought about the last seconds of living, you closed your eyes as the tears began to fall harder “Please…” you gasped out as you felt the coolness of the gun stick harder into your head when all of a sudden a long bang rang through your ears. You body jolted as you felt to ground. Blood splattered all over you as you froze. The guy was laying dead with a gunshot to his head. Your breathing was uneven as you couldn’t process what just happened. You heard the sirens and saw flashing lights appear to view. More DEA agents were sent as they were helping you and the others settle everything. One of them helped you into another car to drive you back to the station. You were shaking the whole and couldn’t even speak with how traumatized you were from the scene.

Javi was pacing around the office while Steve watched him. Javi went through at least two packs of cigarettes in the last few hours. That’s how scared he was for you. He couldn’t even believe he was showing how much he cares about you.

“Dude she’s fine. I’m sure she’s ok-

“How the fuck do you know that Murphy?” Javi snapped at him as his hands started to shake, “it’s been three fucking hours since we heard anything. You call that okay?”

“Javi, the more you think this, the worse it becomes for you.” “I need to know if she’s safe or not or so help me—

he was interrupted by the door opening, he jolted up to see Messina. “We got her.”

Javi and Steve sprinted to the entrance of the office to see you wrapped in a blanket all hurt and scared. You looked up at the two men with tears falling down your face and your bottom lip trembling. “Gosh kid.” Steve muttered as he was the first to pull you into a tight hug and he rubbed your back and shushed your whimpers to calm you down.

“I-I’m sorry, I-I didn’t know—

“Stop. It’s not your fault. None of this is Y/N.” He gave your shoulders a squeeze as gave you a small smile as you sniffled. You then turned to Javi who had a worried look on his face. Your smile faded as you looked into his brown eyes. He walked up to you slowly before he wrapped his arms around you as he hugged you as well. You body tightened as you froze. Javi never hugged you before.

“I’m glad you’re okay cariño.” He whispered into your ear making sure Steve and the others didn’t hear him. Your body relaxed in his touch as you hid your smile in his chest as you hugged him back. You both pulled away after a few seconds as you gave Javi and Steve a smile making them smile back at you. You all turned towards the entrance as you watched all the men that attacked in handcuffs be sent away into rooms. You felt the heavy weight on your shoulders release knowing that you were safe. Steve was first one to break the silence.

“Well, it’s time for me to head home. Got a wife and kid to deal with.” He said with a snicker making you smile.

“Tell Connie I said hi.”

Steve nodded as he brought you into one last hug for tonight

“If you need anything, you call me. Anything.”

You nodded at Steve as kissed his cheek as a way of saying thank you. Steve smiled as he squeezed your shoulder as a way of saying bye before waving off Javi and telling him about seeing him tomorrow. Now it was just you and Javi. You swayed around as you looked at your fingers. Too shy to start conversation.

“So you heading home or…”

you jumped lightly at his suddenly voice before looking up at him.

“Oh, um I walked here this morning. I’m fine with walking my apartment isn’t far—

“Like hell you’re walking home after what just happened. Come I’ll take you.” You didn’t have a chance to respond as you shrugged before grabbing your things from your desk before walking up to Javi.

“This isn’t my apartment Jav.” You looked out the window to see his and Steve’s apartment, he turn off the car before stepping out and helping you.

“I know, just figured you needed a drink after tonight. Besides I have stuff to help your wounds and shit.”

You couldn’t help but feel your cheeks tingle at that face that he wants to help you. You didn’t say anything before walking up to him as he lead the way to his apartment. You both made it to his floor as he got out his door keys before opening up the door. He stepped to the side as he gave you a small smile “Ladies first.” You giggled as you stepped into his dark apartment

“Why thank you kind sir.” You teased back making Javi chuckle a bit. You looked around his apartment. “Nice apartment.”

“It’s nothing.” You sat down on his couch as he went to the kitchen to get you a drink. You winced as you felt your bruises becoming worse. You sort of forgot about them. Javi came back with a glass of whiskey. You thanked him as he set his own drink down before going down the hall. You drank the strong liquor in silence as you enjoyed the strong bitter taste. You licked your lips as you set the cup back down as Javi came back with a first aid kit. “Javi, I’m fine really. You don’t need to do all of this.” He shook his head

“I know, I just feel like it’s best to see you in good hands rather than suffering.” He sat next to you as he grabbed out a few cotton ball and peroxide. You sighed before nodding

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me cariño.”

Cariño

Something about that name made butterflies appear in your stomach and your cheeks became all red.

You winced as the peroxide was stinging your open wound that was on your cheek. “Sorry.” Javi said as he quickly cleaned up the cut

“It’s okay.”

He set a bandaid on your cheek before giving you a soft smile “You’re all patched up.” You smiled, happy that it was over.

“Wow Javi. Maybe you should be in the medical field instead.” You teased as he shook his head while chuckling. You watched him as he put away the first aid and came back with more whiskey. You watched him fill up both of your cups with golden brown liquid as he took out his cigarette packs. He lit one up as he laid back. You both sat in silence for a while before you spoke up. “Javi?” He hummed in response, you sighed as you felt your heart appear in your throat. “How come you never spoken to me?” Javi felt his heart skip a beat as he looked at you, it caught him off guard. So you did notice it. He thought to himself. He set down his cigarette on the ash tray as he rubbed his hands together.

“Listen. It was nothing about me being against you. No hate towards you or anything like that. It’s just… ever since you came around, I’ve felt nervous being around you.” You gave him a frown making him panic “Not in a bad way, it’s just— fuck— you make me feel these types of things I never experienced before.” Your eyes went wide as you felt your heart tighten,

“W-what do you mean.” Javi sighed as he felt himself getting hot and sweaty. It’s now or never.

“I have these feelings around you. Like deep feelings.” You mouth went dry as you understood what Javi was saying, you swallowed.

“You like me?” Javi looked down as he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“Yes.” He said quietly but for you to still hear, you froze. “I’m sorry if you felt like I didn’t like you or seemed disrespectful around you. I was just nervous about messing up around you and you thinking I was some dick or something.” You but your lip as you tried to hide the smile appearing on your lips watching him ramble on. “Steve was teasing me about liking you and shit. I’m just a dick for telling you earlier I’m sorr— you cut Javi off as you grabbed the side of his face as smashed your lips on his. It caught Javi off guard as he made a surprised noise and tensing up. He then was brought back down to earth before he relaxed as he wrapped his arms around you to pull you closer. You sighed as your hands traveled to his hair as he cupped your face bringing your face closer and deeper. Javi groaned as you moaned lightly. You both pulled for air but not enough to where your lips were still touching. You both were panting as you both looked into each other’s eyes.

“Was that enough to answer?” You said as Javi chuckled. You leaned your forehead on his as he started to slowly kiss down your neck.

“Hmmm, I don’t know cariño. I think I still don’t understand. Maybe you should show me.” He growled as he started to nip at your neck making you jolt and whine slowly. You crawled into his lap as you started to grind your hips on his already hard cock. Javi groaned as he yanked off his shirt and pants and helping you out of yours. His mouth watered as he stared at your bra. He looked up at you with permission making you nod as you continued to grind on him and moaning.

Javi’s hands were shaking in excitement as he took off your bra with one hand. You looked at him with wide eyes as he smirked at your expression. “Javier you naught menace. How in the hell do you know how to do that?” You nipples hardened at the cool air,

“I may have some experience.” You shook your head as he chuckled lowly. He continued to kiss down your neck before trying to find your sweet spot. You moaned as you rain your fingers through his hair. Hickeys and bite marks scattered all over your neck. Your body jolted as you yelped. “Mmm found it.” You cum right then and there as Javi helped you roll your hips on his hard bulge.

“Javi.”

“What’s wrong baby?”

“N-need you.” Javi chuckled

“Oh you need me?” You nodded as you watched him move down to your tits. You moaned a bit louder as he started to squeeze each tit like a stressing hall. “Words baby.” You whined

“Yes, I-I need you Javi.” He smirked as he continued to play with your boobs. He leaned down as he brought a nipple in his mouth “Oh fuck, Javi.” You moaned as he swirled his tongue over the hardening bud.

“Beautiful. The most beautiful tits ever baby. Gosh, you’re so fucking hot.” You felt yourself getting more wet at his praising.

“Oh fuck! Javi!” You yelped as Javi switched positions with you. You were now laying on the couch as Javi hovered over you. He leaned down as he smashed his lips on yours. You both moaned as you both were grinding your hips together.

“Bet that pussy of yours is all wet for me.” You furrowed your eyes-brows as you nodded at him making him smirk. “Bet you want me to fucking eat you out till your screaming my name Hm?” You quickly nodded at him

“Please Javi, I-I want you to eat my pussy. Please baby I’ll do anything.”

“Good girl begging like the good princess you are.” He leaned down to kiss you as he shoved his tongue in your mouth. You moaned as you wrapped your tongue around his. Spit coming out on the sides of your mouth as your teeth were clanking with his form how rough your make out was. Javi released the kiss as he started to kiss down your body. You shivered from his kisses as he praised you with words

“So beautiful, so sexy, you’re all mine cariño. All.Fucking.Mine.” He growled as he got lower, he kissed around your belly making you whimper as he got to your thighs. Your thugs started to shake making Javi hold them as he kissed your inner thighs so slowly making you squirm.

“Javi please, d-don’t tease me.”

“But where’s the fun in that baby?” He continued to tease you for a while before he started to go to where you needed him most. Your body started to shake from excitement. Javi licked his lips as he admired your lacy panties. He dragged a finger over your lips making you jolt, he then slowly started to rub your clot through your underwear.

“Oh! Fuck!” Javi licked his lips

“Gosh you’re so fucking sexy squirmy for me like a pathetic slut aren’t you mi amor?” You felt butterflies coming in your stomach at the nickname. He then leaned down to press the softest kiss to your clit making you cry out. He dove his nose into your slit as he inhaled your scent. He groaned. “Gosh you smell so good and sweet baby. You want me to taste you?” You nodded quickly making him chuckle. “Don’t worry baby, I will be tasting you.” In a split second he ripped off your underwear. You didn’t even care at this point. He didn’t give you a warning before he dove into your pussy. You moaned so loud it echoed around the living room. Your fingers dove into his messy locks as you grinder on his face.

“Oh shit! Oh my god. Javi you’re so good. Oh my god- baby!” Javi hummed into your pussy as he entered in two fingers into your slit. He then started to kiss your clit multiple times before he sucked on it. Hard. You felt yourself get dizzy as you felt your orgasm coming.

“Shit baby, the most wettest, most beautiful pussy. You gonna come cariño?”

“Yes! Fuck yes!” He felt You tightened around his fingers. He started to finger you more faster as he continued to suck on your clit.

“Let go for me baby. Cum all over my face.”

Your legs shook as your fingers yanked into his locks. Your eyes rolled back into your head as you saw white.The coil in your tummy snapped as you felt your orgasm wash over you. Javi helped you ride out your high as he continued to kitten lick your clit and slit. You jolted as he continued to lick your clit. You whimpered as you pulled him from the back of his neck back to your face, you smashed your lips on him making him groan. You whined as you tasted yourself on him, you plunged your tongue into his mouth making him growl as he cupped your face. You both pulled away with a string of spit connecting your lips. Your hands were reaching down to take his cock out of his boxers, he then stopped you as he grabbed your wrist gently before shaking his head as he smiled at you. “Not tonight baby, I need to be inside you.” You whined as you smirked at him before pecking his lips twice. You laid back down only making him shake his again. You gave him a frown. “I want you to ride me baby.” You felt butterflies again at his low tone making you smile before nodding at him. You quickly got on his lap as you wrapped your arms around his neck. You admired how toned and sort of buff he was. You smiled as you started to touch his shoulders and biceps making him chuckle. “You like what you see cariño?” You giggled as you kissed his neck

“Never realized how strong you were Javi.” Javi smirked at you as he aligned his cock to your entrance. His hands were on your hips as you stared into his eyes. Him staring back at you.

“You ready?” He asked quietly as you nodded, he nodded with you as he slowly started to sink into you. Your body jolted at the feeling before you let out a surprised moan. Javi groaned as his grip tightened on your hips. “Oh fuck, you’re so tight mi amor.”

“O-oh, fuck— Javi, you’re so big.” He chuckled as he helped you move your hips slowly.

“Feels good baby?” You nodded as you started to bounce on his cock, “Need words cariño.” You whined

“Y-yes Javi, feels so good. Fuck! Don’t stop.”

“I’ll never stop. Never.” He growled as he kissed and sucked on your neck. Your bouncing got faster as Javi moved your hips. Your fingers tugging onto his hair. You felt hot and sweaty. You’re moaning got louder as so did Javi’s.

“Fuck! I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna fucking cum. Can I cum inside you mi amor?” Javi groaned out. You looked down at him as you started to feel tears form in your eyes from the overstimulation. You nodded your head rapidly.

“Please!please! Please cum inside me Javi! I wanna feel your cum.” Javi smashed his lips on yours hard as he helped you grind harder and faster on his dick. Your moaning picked up as the tears fell down your red cheeks. Javi slapped your ass making you jump.

“Cum with me baby. Fucking cum.” You cried out as your body started to shake. Your mouth was open with no sound coming out. You both paused your movements before you both moaned and groaned together. Your bodies started to shake uncontrollably. Javi groaned loud and deep in your neck as you wrapped your arms around his neck to bring him closer.

“Oh shit, mmmm fuck.” You moaned out, Javi panted in your neck as his hands rubbed your back.

“Shit.” Javi muttered out. Your legs felt like jello as you stayed wrapped in his arms with his cock still in you. You kissed Javi’s temple as you ran your fingers through his hair to calm him down. You’re bodies all sticky and hot. Javi then pulled out of you making you whine at the loss of contact and making Javi whimper at the coolness hitting him. He jolted as he calmed his breathing down. He reached over to grab his pack of cigarettes before lighting one up. He laid down with you on his chest. You sighed as you stared up at him, admiring his bare chest and him smoking. You both laid there in silence. You rested your head on his chest as you relaxed at the sound of his heartbeat.

“Javi?”

“What’s wrong cariño?” His voice rumbled through his chest making it vibrate. You looked up at him to see him staring back at you. It only made you smile.

“Nothing. Just… does this mean something?” Javi exhaled a fog of smoke as he gave you a smile

“What do you think mi amor?”

“I’m assuming maybe?” You teased making him roll his eyes at you before chuckling. You chuckled back as you sat up to be closer to him. You took the cigarette from his hand as you inhaled, you stared into his eyes as you exhaled. Javi hummed as he cupped your face. You finished the cigarette before placing it on the ashtray.

“You are something, you know that?” You shrugged at him as you played with his hair,

“I’ve been told.” Javi smiled at you before pulling your face closer to his as you both shared a loving, long kiss. You sighed as you wrapped your arms around his neck, him wrapping his around your back. You both continued the kiss as you snuggled into his warm embrace. Slowly falling asleep in each other’s touch.

Tag-List: @otomefan @chunnies @slasherstories123 @avengersfan25

This was amazing!!!!

rating: E (explicit - 18+)

pairing: javier peña x f!reader

status: complete

summary: You make a bet with Javier Peña to abstain from sex. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

warnings/tags: smut, dubcon/noncon elements, hand jobs (f receiving), no use y/n, javi being sexually frustrating as hell, time period compliant sexism (not from Javi), canon typical violence, discussions of death/violence, oral (f receiving), piv sex, smut-smut-smut, edging, slight overstimulation, lots of feelings, creampie, no use of y/n

a/n: if you've read this before, don't be alarmed! I'm just moving it from my main to my pedro fan/fanfic blog specifically - nothing has been stolen from anyone. But if you think you've read it, maybe you should read it again ;)

🤍AO3 Link

part i: there ain't enough room in this Pontiac for the two of us part ii: there ain't enough room in this twin bed in our shitty Bogota apartment for the two of us

Oh my gosh! I have been holding onto this one on my TBR list and phew! The EMOTIONS!!!!! UGH!!!!!

Absolutely beautiful!

Dusk

Javier Peña x fem!reader

Summary: Javier sees you again years after the end of your love affair. Torn between the memories of what happened then and what is now, you both face the weight of your actions from Bogotá to Madrid.

read on AO3 | masterlist

Rating: Explicit, +18

Warnings/Tags: past lovers, secret relationship, angst, smut (penetration, f oral), implied age gap (not mentioned). Reader has hair, foreigner (not explicit which country, she isn't American or Colombian), knows multiple languages and is able-bodied. No use of y/n, Spanish translations are between the paragraphs.

Word count: 8,7k

Tabby note: My first Javi P fic for angst challenge by @almostfoxglove 💔 Even if I go around difficult topics, most of my work is lighter, so this was a great exercise to go deep into emotions! You can the moodboard inspiration here and the list of all fics here! 🐾

now

“Are you happy to be in Madrid?” The receptionist with a pearly smile cheerfully greets him, or maybe not, it sounded more like she was talking for a while, following a script, that he ignored.

He could be in Paris, Tokyo, or anywhere in the world at the moment he wouldn’t give a damn. Tiredness has been consuming him for a while now, and the week passed at an agonizing pace. Inside his head, there is silence and chaos altogether.

Somehow, he comes to his senses already inside the hotel room. What had he answered to the receptionist? He can’t recall but he got the key, which is more than proof that the autopilot was working. Taking off his jacket, he opens the minibar and takes whatever alcohol he can find.

His head mends the last months as just one, a very lonely one. He can’t fully remember what it felt to be together with someone, closely, intimately. From family to friends, everyone becomes a blur as he tries to get his shit together. The alcohol burns down his throat, he doesn’t even mind reading the label. Once he can rest, it will be fine.

The night promises to be a long one, the timezone difference is a pain in the ass to deal with. Whenever he is about to drift away into sleep, his legs kick repeatedly and startle him awake. The clock reads 1 AM, then 2 AM, at 3 AM he decides he has enough and starts to dress up again.

Passing by the mirror, he ignores his reflection, paying attention only to what he will do. Have a cigarette, walk a little, and head back to sleep. Simple. He locks the room’s door, orders the elevator, presses the button to the ground floor, waits, and walks out when it stops.

For a summer night, Madrid is cold. The scenario is drastically different from the streets of Bogotá and further from the ranch in Laredo, everything he wanted for a fresh beginning. For a week of his time, some words on his experience, and training on how to deal with narcotraffic, the Spanish police paid some considerable money, the type of money Peña couldn’t ignore. Now, here, he is watching the downtown buildings and wondering if it was worth it.

Lightning his cigarette, he drags a puff and looks at his surroundings without much curiosity. Neoclassic buildings or whatever style they are, mostly white now warmed by the orange city lights in a classic boulevard. Not many floors, four maximum, but full of balconies. In one of them, on the third floor, a woman screams at her husband.

The small woman is shouting fast words as she throws some clothes down at the man, who tries to ask forgiveness from the street. Another neighbor, from a couple of balconies away, asks them to quit it and go back to sleep, but the woman ignores and continues the fight.

Getting amused by it, Peña keep watching the scene from his place on the other side of the street. Another balcony, now on the fourth floor, opens and reveals a confused sleepy woman. Even with the low light, he can recognize the pout on your lips.

The cigarette is long forgotten as he watches the details on your face waiting for the best moment to enter the fight. It is like a memory played in front of him, seeing you in your underwear and t-shirt, the angle of your hips making your ass jiggle a little every time you try to stretch yourself down at the balcony the floor under. He doesn’t hiss when the cigarette burns his fingertips, lost looking at you.

When the moment comes, you grab the attention of the small woman in tears and murmur something too softly for him to hear from afar, except for how you sweetly say “Vamos a dormir, cariño?” And so he walks back to the hotel to sleep.

("Let's go sleep, love?")

then

Cheerful bubblegum pop fills your room as you carefully paint your lips red. It takes a little effort, but in your lace lingerie and big hair you feel like a woman, not a girl. Next to you, an open big window lets the chill mountain breeze caress your skin, raising goosebumps in your almost naked body. 

Your dad had separated what he thought was appropriate for the occasion as if you were still a child. Being the ambassador’s daughter isn’t an excruciating task, except when you get to play into your father’s business. You know little to nothing about the USA’s DEA or whatever their mission is in Colombia, what you had access to was that your dad invited part of the DEA into your house for lunch. Sitting pretty and smiling is your task for the day.

With a pop, you touch your lips together and inspect the lipstick line. Perfect. Voices are filling the garden, gaining your curiosity. Coming to the window, you can see men in suits greeting your father and grandma as they walk on. All of them are looking ahead, but one. His brown eyes are locked with yours, inviting you to come down and see them up close.

“Javi,” someone shouts, making the man return to the group. You stay there watching him go before finishing dressing up.

In a white two-piece Chanel suit, you strut down the stairs to the first floor feeling small compared to the high ceiling. It had become a regular sentiment, to look around and see a big house nettly decorated and think to yourself “Why am I here?”.

By the garden door, the ambassador waits for you as he keeps enchanting his guests with some story. Here you aren’t his daughter, you are a state piece and it is key to remember your place in this chess game.

You can feel the brown eyes boring into your skin as the ambassador introduces you to the DEA officers. Following his command, you greet one by one as if it is normal behavior for a diplomat to know every policeman’s name. You heard him review all their names with his assistant the day before.

“Javier Peña, ma’am,” the owner of the brown eyes says to you. Enveloping your hand on his, you do your best to ignore a shiver when he puts pressure. His thick fingers leave a hot trail, his big hand engulfs yours.

Whatever you feel, he does too. 

“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Peña.” His brown eyes shine when you politely say his last name back at him.

Gathering around the table, you sit in front of him and scold yourself every now and then to look at the others, even if you only want to stare at the handsome man. He, however, isn’t as discreet putting weight in his stare cornering you.

With sips of white wine, you try to ignore it doing your part as a pretty little thing full of questions. How long have you been in Colombia? A few months for most of the department, Javier is in his first week still fresh from Texas. Have you made any progress in your mission so far? Yes, still in the early stages, they are gathering all the information about the cartels. Are you enjoying the country? The food is great and the weather is mostly nice, even in cold Bogotá. Is your family enjoying the country or are they missing the USA? They are getting or already gotten used to it, Javier is single, though.

 You laugh when necessary, showing your white teeth in contrast with the red of the lipstick. Legs crossed like a lady, nails carefully done around the glass, you are well-behaved and it shows.

“Your daughter is an exceptional young woman, your grace,” one of the men says in a sincere compliment to the ambassador, even if he is speaking about you.

“She is indeed. Even more now, after her year abroad.” You smile back at your father, who is doing the proud dad bit.

Tradition is that in your culture once fine man and woman become an adult they have to choose a place to spend a whole year, it is supposed to represent their coming of age on their own terms. You don’t count having access to everything money could get, a comfortable house, and stability as the coming of age journey of the century, but here you are.

“Where did you go to?” Javier asks as he drinks more of his wine.

“Egypt, Cairo.” You reply as you drink his facial features without shame. The sharpness of his jawline, the way his mustache heavily adorns his thin upper lip just to emphasize the plump bottom one.

“What an unusual place! What motivated you?” Another man asks, forcing you to move on from Peña’s face after a lingering second.

The ambassador loves that you can captivate the room’s attention so easily, but your father tried to convince you to change your destination many times. 

Europe was much more chic, but attending an international boarding school made you get bored by it. If the DEA knew how little you care for the USA, they would quickly find you a pain in the ass. The Middle East was much more interesting, far from the restricted embassy’s house in sunny Colombia.

“I like history, to deeply learn a culture. There wasn’t anywhere else that I could experience it so vividly. I’m glad my family could proportionate it to me.” You smile truthfully, gaining a glance from Grandma.

“Must have learned a lot, being on your own out there,” Javier states in a lower tone.

“She knows where to put her foot, soon will go to Oxford to study just like her father,” Grandma praises raising her glass in your direction.

It was a question of time before they brought it onto the table. It is a sensitive topic to you, still unsure how to navigate that new part of your life. Far from homeland, between boarding schools and the embassy, then an ocean of distance from your family, you hadn’t stuck your feet anywhere for too long and suddenly you had to choose something to call yours for the long run. It feels more than just a diploma.

“Well, if everything goes right. I still need to get their acceptance letter.” You remind Grandma with a small laugh, that doesn’t exactly reach your eyes, but nobody seems to notice.

Grandma, playing as a governess, gets up to announce the dessert order with a tentative to marvelous the guests with your home country food. As everyone gets interested in her chat, you and Javi opt to sneak a glance at each other.

In a moment of courage, you lift your high heels and gently caress his leg under the table. Gaining a smirk from him, he slides his leg to get closer to yours. Hidden by the tablecloth, you keep touching as the conversation goes by.

“Has my son already invited you to the annual ball?” Grandma asks with a smile. The ambassador coughs in surprise but is ready to charm.

“Oh, you absolutely should come. We spend the whole year planning it, a celebration of our culture at its finest. If you liked the food today, just wait until you get the beverage. We are known to be good matchmakers too, you might fall in love there, Peña.”

Javier takes his eyes from you to look at his host, who is waiting for an acceptance of the invitation. Pushing his leg closer to yours, he grabs his glass and raises it.

“I trust your gut, sir. Count me in.”

now

The national police of Spain, or CNP, headquarters isn’t far from the hotel. The district itself is bougie, fancier than what Javi was used to, too formal, too classy with the embassies and mansions. He feels out of his element, but no wonder you chose to live there.

He slept well after seeing you, like old times. Your presence always made him feel at ease, even if your departure was bittersweet. The aftermath is still with him, folded in his wallet as a reminder of what once were you both.

From the hotel to the police, he keeps thinking about you. It wasn't new, during the years his mind would drift to you after a long day, but now that you were here it is a different kind of thrill. He tries to bury it down to that place where all his failures and worries are lost, but he can't.

The job, however, is a great distraction. As soon the formalities are finished, he jumps head in on what he knows how to do. Six years in Colombia were enough to showcase his skills.

During the first break, he goes out to smoke. Sunny day, blue sky, and good weather. A nice sight of a busy fancy street. More than enough to keep his mind in the present and not lost in memories. Stepping out onto the sidewalk, he puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts searching for his lighter when you appear in his vision.

Dress pants, a white t-shirt, and a clock with a leather strap on the wrist. In your arms, a plastic case full of paper forces you to bend a little forward. Clipped on your pants pocket is a badge of some kind with the national police logo. Whoever is with you, speaks with a heavy madrileño accent, but you don't bat an eye to understand it.

To simply put, you are different. Far from the glamour of the embassy, from the party life late at night that he knew so intimately because of you. There was a time when your eyes would find his so easily in a crowd, but now you don’t even glance at him as you enter the building, too immersed in your conversation.

Ignoring his cigarette, Javi follows you down the hallways of the CNP until he reads “Traducción y Letras” on one of the plaques outside. This is more like you, classier.

("Translation and Languages")

Checking his clock, he sees that he still has a few minutes before going back to his lesson. You are alone in the room, just you and archives. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, you invite him in without looking up.

“It's good to see you,” he states without much thought as if it was casual to meet you there. You quickly look up at him with big eyes.

He can't read if the expression of surprise on your face is good or bad.

“Javi,” you say, putting whatever you were working back on the table. Your eyes are locked with his but without the playfulness of before.

“I thought you were in the UK,” the last time he spoke with your grandma she told him, it sounded like brand new information. It had been years since.

You scratch your neck, like you used to whenever you got anxious. He can still read you after so long.

“I was. What are you doing here?”

“CNP asked me to train their DEA.” You scoff in amusement like it is the most obvious thing ever.

“Of course, I heard something about it. Didn't connect it with you, sorry.” 

Another glance at the clock, he has less than two minutes before getting back to class but wants to stay here with you.

“Are you free tonight? We should have dinner,” he says straight to the point hoping you will say yes.

He phrased it like that because it is obvious that you should have dinner with him. It isn’t a question, it was a matter of when for Javier.

Still in shock, you swallow hard and shake your head. His heartbeat rises, ready to have another harsh goodbye.

“We can have lunch if you insist. I'm busy tonight. Just come by whenever you're ready.”

Simple as that, you get back to work and ignore his presence. You aren't rude, it isn't your nature, but it feels colder than he remembered.

Nodding at your statement, he leaves you alone and walks down to his office for the week. His bluntness will be a problem, he can't scare you away or he will be settled for another couple of years wondering “what if”.

The weight of his wallet gets heavier with every step, the souvenir of the last night you were his still there begging him to do not fuck it up this time.

After some concentration, he can focus again on training. Work was there for him when he needed to ignore the world and move on. The autopilot was carefully crafted doing the tactical work in South America and reigns free in Europe, for what it seems.

His body craves nicotine, but he needs to guarantee that you won’t run away before. In solid steps, he walks fast toward your office again. At least he thinks it is yours, it is absurd to have you, of all people, working for a police force.

The door is open, but you don’t notice his arrival. With you back to the entrance, you are speaking on the phone in a calm tone.

“Cena es mejor. Aun tengo muchisimo que hacer hoy, harta de trabajo con todo lo que vino de Marruecos.” You heavily sigh before laughing at whatever the person on the other side of the line said. “Sabes que flipo con teatro, mi amor. Ya, nos vemos en mi apartamento a las ocho. Te quiero, bye.”

("Dinner is better. I still have much to do today, I'm full of work with everything that came from Morocco. You know I love theatre, my love. Okay, see you at my apartment at 8 PM. Love you, bye.")

Javi steps back to the corridor before you turn, giving you a few seconds to sit back in your chair. It is logical, you moved on and so did he. Yet, he feels in his chest how unprepared he is to face it.

“Ready?” He knocks on your door as if nothing has happened, like you are still close and this is a regular thing.

“Ah, yeah. Do you have a place in mind?” You ask grabbing your purse and leading the way out, following his play-pretend of acting normal about whatever you two had become.

then

If your lips weren’t so busy kissing Javi’s, you would kiss the landscaper who projected the embassy’s garden. Far from the noise inside the ballroom, further from curious eyes, illuminated only by the moonlight and shadowed by a centennial tree. In the garden’s corner, you are peacefully focusing only on Javi’s body reactions to yours.

How his big hands are divided between caressing your neck and holding your waist so close to his, you can’t but throw your arms around his neck to flush his body into yours. 

You didn’t bring a coat, even if is a chilly night. The heat emanating from him to you keeps you warm, almost burning where the skin meets.

You hadn’t touched a single glass since the party started, too busy waiting for the right moment to come to him. Through the open kisses, you taste on his tongue cigarettes and champagne, getting you drunk with every twist and turn.

Your lipstick will be smudged from the pressure of his lips, that’s why you kept the package and a mirror in the pocket of your dress for a small maintenance before going back to the party.

Your neck, hopefully, bruised with every nibble and hot kiss he inflicts on the tender skin, so you opted for using your hair down to keep to yourself the souvenirs of the night.

With a soft moan, he kisses you back before putting some distance as he catches his breath. You want more, so you pressure your open mouth on his again as he softly laughs.

“Eager, huh?” He asks with his thumb making soft circles in your jaw. You nodd back, positively drunk of him.

Everything became Javier Peña the moment he left the diplomat’s house. You counted the days until the annual ball, daydreaming about your next meeting. From the dress to your position in the room, where you could easily see every guest's entrance, it was all a conscious choice.

You saw him before his brown eyes locked with yours. His regular suit, not a tuxedo, appeared to be out of place when sided with your gown, but you didn’t mind a bit as you made small talk waiting for the moment for you to lead him outside. Dividing the attention between guests, you moved inside the ballroom from one person to another, brushing your hands in his whenever crossing his path.

Inside the ballroom, you were a state piece, but in the garden in his arms, you are you.

It started small, as you softly spoke to each other walking further in the garden. Javi isn’t a man of many words, but for you, he tries. When the last guest went inside, you threw yourself in his arms and happily kissed until he lost his breath.

With the moonlight, his sharp profile is a heavenly vision. In his embrace, you wish for nothing but to be there with him forever. Putting both hands on your face, he kisses your lips one final time.

“We should go, people will start to ask questions,” you whisper glancing at the party. His eyes follow yours before his hands leave you to look for a cigarette.

“Want one?” You shook your head, remembering how he tasted seconds ago. “Not a smoker?”

“No, but I like the smell, though.” Licking your lips, you inhale big hoping to look less flustered. Javi stares at you nodding slowly, pondering about what you said.

Taking your pocket mirror and lipstick, you adjust the makeup as he finishes his cigarette. Your eyes roam his body looking for any clue of what just happened, his tie is crooked and he has lipstick in the corner of his mouth.

His eyes stay on your face as you straighten his tie until perfection, they focus on your freshly painted lips when you clean the lipstick on his with your thumb. Looking up at him, you take a deep breath.

“Perfect, shall we?” You suggest and he gives you his arm, taking you back to the party like nothing happened. Just an innocent walk in the garden, a good host for a guest that didn’t match with the ambient he was in.

It is the first of many nights where nothing and everything happens.

now

The sunlight finds your eyes the moment you leave CNP’s door, Javi can’t remember when he last saw you out in the sun. Maybe he never did. The hue of your iris is pretty just like your face, your stare is more like a woman now. 

You used to be all smiles next to him, clingy even, constantly touching him in the privacy of taxi cabs. He used to think about holding your hand in public, wonder what would feel like to touch you in front of everyone. To claim you out in the open, where you could be just his.

He signals for a taxi, you enter it giving the driver the restaurant’s address just to be quiet in sequence. Sitting far from him, your eyes are distant in the street, ignoring his that inspects every inch of your body.

Javi never learned how to deal with frustration, so he does what he can and lights up a cigarette.

“Do you mind?” He questions remembering how you would watch him exhale smoke with lust, pressing your body closer to his post-sex cigarette. In the late night of your meetings, the first thing you did was to smell him and close your eyes in comfort.

With your eyes still looking through the window, you speak in what appears to be lost in thoughts.

“A little, don’t like the smell of it.” 

He immediately flicks the cigarette out of the car window.

The restaurant is nice, as he expected. Not too fancy, with a minimalist ambiance and small menu. Even if some things are different, you remain the same in others. You wear glasses to read, he isn’t sure if for aesthetic or prescription. The crimson red lipstick is a more cherry tone. You hadn’t smiled yet.

When the waiter leaves and you put down your glasses, he can’t take the silence anymore.

“Didn’t expect to see you working for the police.” A simple statement, you are intelligent and more academically inclined.

“I don’t. I work for their intelligence, translations, and interpretation. I don’t do field work.” Your eyes finally look at his, it bothers him the lack of passion there.

“You do back office work then?” He tries to stretch the conversation to any clue what your life is like.

“Something like that. I work for the government, not the police. Spain has ultramarine territories, plazas de soberanía if you prefer, my job is to provide verbal and cultural translations of information that they might have an interest in. It’s more about the countries that neighbours the territories than these cities.”

“You learned Arabic.” This makes you smirk. 

It was an old wish of yours, you wanted to read more, to experience the culture in another way. It wasn’t unusual for you to switch between languages during the day back then, to him you reserved a few words in your native language when alone.

“I did. There’s a diploma that proves it.”

University is a topic he isn’t keen to speak about. 

The day you left Colombia to never come back is burning inside his mind, the folded paper in his wallet flashes into his head. He wants to open it up on the table, to interrogate you about it like a fugitive, instead, he chooses another topic.

“Why Spain?”

“Why not?” Your eyes are defiant, you understand what is behind his words. You hated Europe, you tried to stay away, why here?

“You could be anywhere in the world, so, why Spain?” He tries again, watching as you bring your hand to the neck.

“I don’t know.” Looking back at him, you keep your voice soft. “Guess it ties parts of my life. I came here as an intern, when the time came the intelligence decided to keep me and I stayed. It feels familiar to listen to Spanish all day. Almost like home, if I have one.”

“You hated the accent, always preferred the South Americans.” It sounds bitter because it is bitter.

Javi wanted to meet the version of you he knew all about, to come back to the day you left and continue from there.

“Relajate, tío. No te cabrees tanto.” You tease doing the Spaniard lisp. He rolls his eyes in response.

("Relax, tío. Don't worry about it." Tío is a traditional slang in Spaniard Spanish, similar to dude.)

“Your grandma was sad when I last saw her, you didn’t visit enough.”

Javi saw her two times after your departure. One when he went looking for you in the diplomat’s house just to be received by the elder woman who informed him that you had gone away already. The other one was on an official visit to the embassy, where he politely asked about you to receive a sympathetic look from her. “She never stays longer than a weekend.”

“Got tired of Colombia. Seems that you feel the same, you left.” Two can play this game, now is your time to be bitter. You are right, he can understand how you feel about it.

“Finished my mission, it’s different.” He is being reasonable.

“And I left to find one. Who says that this isn’t my mission?”

Enough. Javi always hated games.

“What will you watch tonight in the theatre?” Your eyes subtly widened with the realization that he heard you on the phone.

You open your mouth to reply, but the waiter comes with the food forcing the conversation to an end.

then

With every night spent together, you understand less why you are lying. Javi has a respectable job, treats you well, and, on top of everything, the sex is amazing. He makes you feel like the one, yet, you get to be with him only in the shadows.

It starts with quick whispered calls between the house and the DEA to schedule late night meetings, evolves to random encounters in restaurants and bars far from the embassy district after the sun goes down, and ends on your bed after midnight.

Quickies in his car parked in an alley, heated kisses with hands all over the place in the back of a cinema, and ends up on your bed. All paths lead to your bed.

You know every freckle in his body like it is yours, you kissed all the corners and folds in his skin. He learned when to shut you up before moans get too loud to echo through the house, the exact rhythm of his hips thrust into yours that makes you see stars. You know when he will close his eyes ready to come, appreciate how much he likes to give your face little pecks right after.

There is a lighter inside the drawer of your bedstand in case his don’t work. A jacket he once forgot is hidden far in your coat rack waiting for you to wrap yourself around it on the nights you don’t see him. You sleep on the right side of your bed because the left one is his, but only until before sunrise.

Months of obsession led to this. With perfumed skin and the red lipstick he loved so much, you met for what was supposed to be just a couple of drinks. Javi don’t make it so simple.

Two shots of aguardiente and his tongue taste like anise, which you never really liked, but here you are savoring like it is your last meal. He is drunk and whispering sweet nothings between kisses in the back of the bar.

“Stay with me,” he supplicates as if it wasn’t obvious, you laugh at the absurdity of it.

“You say like I have other plans,” his pupils dilate making his eyes almost black, staring right at you. He smacks his lips into yours hungrily with a groan, earning a full moan from you.

“I mean it. Don’t go,” the words hit you like a bullet.

Don’t go to Oxford, stay here. You thought about it since the acceptance letter came weeks ago, if you should ignore it and study in Colombia instead. It is irrational, you know that you will choose yourself over him in the end, but it sounds lovely to be just his in this fantasy.

He senses your hesitance in giving in, so he pushes a little more.

“I like you, stay,” with a low voice, murmuring like a prayer on your lips.

Your brain gets foggy and you listen to it as I love you, wishing to be the same, to have the semantics of it changed to what you want.

That night you think you made love, not sex. You mistake lust for passion, that his stare is of devotion and not of arousement. He gets inside your body and you don’t care about how vocal you are, focused only on his reactions to your nails scraping his skin.

You are sat by the bed, wrapped by the bedsheet as he uses your lighter on a new cigarette. The window by the vanity is open, welcoming the moonlight to shine on his tan skin and create a halo around his profile. He is up to smoke into the air of the night, fully naked so you can see the red marks on his back.

“Stay,” is your turn to plea. He exhales smoke before looking at you.

“We can’t,” a sober Javi says and you miss the drunk him.

“And? Stay, just for tonight.” You smile biting your lip, wanting to wake up tangled limbs with him.

“It’s better if we don’t.”

With a final puff, he puts away the cigarette and kisses your head before dressing up.

“I have a big lead to search on early tomorrow. I can meet you another time this week, maybe.” His eyes don’t find yours, you feel cheap, even if the sheets around your body are expensive.

With a nod, you try to put away the apprehension and give him a chaste kiss followed by a smile before putting on a robe to take him to the door.

The big house seems bigger in the dark, the coldness of it makes you embrace yourself to get heat. By the door, he puts his hand on your jaw and you lean on it, seeking comfort. He kisses you deeply, but softly, before walking out.

Dragging your feet to the stairs, you do your best not to remember the drunk Javi's words, to not give in to the fantasy. Getting to the top, Grandma calls you by your childhood nickname.

“Are you sure of it?” She asks in your native language and you know exactly what she means.

Her eyes search yours in the dark, filled with concern. It doesn’t take much to read behind them.

“Yes. I am.” You start going up a few steps but stop at the top of the stairs.

“These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume.” She murmurs in English to the empty room and you shiver from the instant recognition.

The quote stays with you in your lonely room. It is painfully obvious why you are lying about Javi, keeping him a secret.

Your bed is cold on the left side, even more in the morning. There is a man’s coat that is cheaper than everything you own inside your closet. You keep lavanda incenses inside your drawer to erase every trace of him, a floral scent to clean the cigarettes you hadn’t smoked.

Intimate details about him sound far from whatever you did inside these walls. You kissed all his freckles but don’t know his middle name or the city he grew up in. You know his drink of choice, but not his fears. Everything feels superficial, not enough to get you feeling what you are.

Laid on your bed, you turn your back to the left side and drift to sleep. In the end, you choose you.

now

You don’t tell what play you will be watching and don’t mention once who will take you. Javi doesn’t put pressure, no matter how much he wants to know.

Lunch is almost normal, you answer here and there a few of his questions, but don’t ask him anything. You used to be talkative, intrusive even, trying to learn everything about him, the curiosity is gone and boredness gave in.

He pays for it, but you don’t kiss his cheek with a thank you, instead, you say the words out loud before taking a deep breath.

Now you would head back in a taxi with your legs on his lap as you talk about whatever you wanted on the road to the diplomat’s house. He would hold your high heels in his hand and massage your shins, thinking about how intelligent you are and how much he wants to take your clothes off. You would tease him about being too quiet and he would answer, truthfully, that he likes the sound of your voice. You would smile big, with soft eyes that could see him as a whole.

Except this is Madrid, not Bogotá and you are close, but so far away. Your eyes are once more looking into the window, both hands on your lap tensed by his presence.

The folded paper in his wallet is the anchor that sinks his heart with its weight. He wants to touch your skin, kiss your face and ask you to say anything, but he is six years too late.

By the CNP door, you get out of the taxi before him. Unsure of what to do, you open and close your mouth.

“Thank you for the lunch. It was nice.” It is a lie, but he takes it. You don’t want to hurt him.

“Thank you for the company. I’m glad that you found a place where you belong.”

He is happy for you and sad for him. You always were better than he could be, good to see that you made life on your terms and don’t depend on anyone. Sadly, he doesn’t have a place in it.

Your eyes are big, round as you stare at him moments before you give his cheek a peck. A small smile adorns your face and he feels better for a second, watching you enter the building.

He sleeps well that night, wakes up like it's an ordinary day, tries to keep life going despite knowing there is a possibility to see you for the rest of his stay in Spain.

First, the idea of seeing you again is a threat, then is a wish. He wants to see you, he looks around the people coming and going through the corridors hoping that you will appear in the corner. Giving in to failure, he focuses once more on his work until the break when he listens to your name being spoken by one of the detectives with a mocking tone.

“El Conde ataca una vez más. Ayer la llevó al teatro, tanta cosa más interesante en esta ciudad y es esto lo que amanece en El País!” He laughs while pointing out a photograph in a newspaper.

("The Count attacks once more. Yesterday he took her to the theater, so many more interesting things in this city and this is what is being reported in El País!")

“No seas tonto, hombre! Está en la parte de society, qué esperabas? Geopolítica?” Another mocks back.

("Don't be stupid, man! You are in the society part, what did you expect? Geopolitic?")

From his position, Javi can see you in a cocktail dress next to a good looking man. You are smiling with your teeth as the man has his hand on your lower back. He looks polished, well raised, Javi can smell money on him.

The detectives leave, still in banter, but the newspaper stays. He reads the small note at the bottom of the picture “El Conde y su hermosa pareja, nuevamente en cita”. It must be a recurring thing, he wonders if the nickname is actually this man’s royal title.

("The Count and his beautiful partner, once more on a date".)

Money searches money. From party dresses, two pieces sets to tennis outfits and countryside all-white, you flaunted generational wealth. He invested a big slice of his payment in suits that looked more put together to appear like he belonged in your world. El Conde, from what Javi can see, never had to worry about such triviality.

Putting his work aside, Javi isn’t a name to remember. He doubts that growing up in Laredo, being a small-town man at his heart would be worth the news. Except to you, who treated him like the most interesting person you ever met, even if he tried to keep the personal information to himself.

Looking back, sounds off why he couldn’t give in to you. Rationally he can understand his actions, you were going to live abroad and it could set you back having someone waiting for you on the other side of the world. His life was too dangerous, with the risk of getting those close to him hurt rapidly growing and he wouldn’t be in peace if something happened to you. Despite all of it, you were worth the inevitable pain from day one.

So worth that seeing you in a dress, having fun with another man, made him think about the countless nights spent out in Bogotá. 

Your room was his favorite place in the city, he slept on the left side back on his apartment’s bed to imagine that you were there with him when the morning came. He never asked for the coat he forgot in your house, he liked to imagine you wearing it to have a little piece of him. Everything back then felt like home.

He closes the newspaper and goes out for a new cigarette, puffing a cloud of smoke with the smell you can’t stand. El Conde must smell like an expensive perfume.

then

You don’t take him to your bedroom anymore, not since that night. If he notices something about it, he keeps to himself. You are still his sweetheart in the backseat of his car, where his hands are all over you and the heavy air fogs up the windows.

The car is parked in a blind spot, where the light from the streetlamp doesn’t reach. It is dark, mostly shadows inside of it, everything is hidden by the tinted windows.

Words aren’t exchanged, the only sounds are the flesh against flesh and the uneven breath from your lips as you ride him hard. Big hands knead the tender skin of your hips, pushing you further to meet his thighs. He is deep inside you, making you clench with every move. His open eyes stare at you with the same devotion look you try to avoid by shutting yours and hiding your head in his neck.

“So good,” he whispers into your ears as his hips increase rhythm.

You cry out loud from overwhelm, the angle makes your clit rub his pubic hair more and more when he moves. He knows you are close, so he hugs you tighter, almost suffocating. You hate how much you are an open book to him.

“Let it go, baby,” he orders and you follow, giving in to ecstasy.

He is not far behind, as he uses your spent body to achieve his bliss. With legs shaking from oversensitivity, your mind is lost between heaven and earth as he pushes one final time inside of you.

 He kisses your face in needy little pecks, softly tracing your silhouette. Your eyes are still closed.

After a minute or two, you start to untangle yourself from his embrace and search for your outfit on the car floor. You still haven’t looked into his eyes and it clearly annoys him.

“I can take you home. Don’t take a taxi.” He offers and you want to accept it, but know better.

“You know I can’t, Javi.”

You haven’t spoken about why you decided to get cold at him, it has been weeks of slowly putting some distance between you two. For every push, he pulls you back in this tug of war.

He breaths harshly from his nose, but gives you a positive nod anyway. Getting out of the car, you start walking to the closest avenue, but he promptly pulls your arm and kisses you.

It makes your head spin, your bodies illuminated by the street lights where everyone can see it. For a second you want to ignore your guts and stay there, claim him as yours until daylight, but you don’t.

“Call me when you get home,” he asks with puppy eyes, already searching for a cigarette inside his pocket.

You don’t call.

The next days pass in a hurry, with your attention divided between doing your bags and ignoring the heartache that is creeping in. Javi asks you out and you find an excuse, if he doesn’t buy it, he doesn’t say it.

Your room constantly smells like lavanda. At night, you try to fill your head with anything that takes your attention from him until you can fall asleep from tiredness. The sheets don’t smell like him anymore, but you know it from memory and let fill your mind when you feel lonely.

You are strong in your decision, to choose you until the night before your flight. His coat is in your bed and you have been thinking about packing it or not. If you let it here, every summer break it will be waiting to shove in your face what you once had and it is still free in Bogotá. If you take it with you, will be a constant reminder of what you can’t have.

Before you reprimand yourself, you call for a taxi to the other side of town. It is after midnight on a weekday, he must be at home, preferably, by himself. You don’t know what to do if he has someone there.

Paying the driver fast, you sprint out of the taxi to look around trying to find the number in the paper. Javi wrote down his address once in case of emergency, you think that having him one last time is one. You locate the apartment and knock erratically on the door.

The moment your eyes see his, you throw yourself at him and leave all worries free when he kisses you back with hunger.

He tastes like cigarettes and you love it. His mustache tickles the hollow of your throat, as he fastly goes down on your neck. Goosebumps everywhere his hands touch while clumsy undressing you. When you are naked, he pushes you into the wall and you arch your back inviting him to where he belongs.

On his knees, he starts to eat you out letting out a heavy groan when you stretch your arm behind and tug on his hair. He alternates between sucking your clit and twisting his tongue inside you, making your body feels heavy with pleasure.

You try to look behind your shoulder, to find his eyes, missing the heat behind them. He happily obliges, gaining his height back just to hold your head in his hands and look deeply into your eyes before devouring your mouth. It tastes like you and him, like happiness.

“I missed you,” he whispers and you believe it because you missed him too.

The rational part of you is stronger, so you decide to show instead of putting out in words, taking off his clothes just like he did to you.

He fucks you against the wall, biting on your earlobe and breathing his airy moans directly into your ear. On his sofa, he looks into your eyes up close as his hips thrust so deep you let your mouth hang. With his hand squeezing harshly your jaw, he guides you to his bed until your head reaches the pillow.

It is a mix of wanting, needing, and despair as he opens your legs and positions himself back inside of you. The warm lights inside his room make his tan skin glow, you feel heated up by sunlight when he slides his nose on the side of your face, bracing himself as your hips find his.

There are no words, but this time silence is forced by the moment’s intensity. He gasps directly in your mouth, unable to keep his breath and kiss at the same time. His whole skin feels wet, from the thin layer of sweat in his collarbones to your sex soaking him up. 

You place one heel on his back, urging him to give it all to you. He responds by increasing his tempo, going harder until you lock your fingers with his and let pleasure overcome your conscience. 

He frantically searches for his own release, looking at you like you are his. You bring your interlocked hands to your lips and kiss his fingertips while staring back at him. When he spills inside you, is your turn to give his face little pecks in a silent devotion.

His body weight is on you, his face is tucked in your neck. You can feel his fast heartbeat, still high as his needy hand is caressing the side of your face. It feels different than everything you did. It feels like love.

But you have thought about it before and it was just drunk words. Yet, you let yourself feel whatever he wants to give you. He raises his head until you are eye to eye.

He keeps touching you delicately in silence for a while, his eyes never leaving yours. You can’t control the smile that beams from you to him.

The night gets darker by the hour, but you don’t care. His body is constantly touching yours, begging you to stay. It is his turn to say whatever he wants to, he tells you about his week, the mission and how time went by slowly without you. When exhaustion comes, you sleep on the right side of his bed, with his arm on your waist and his face in your hair.

With the first rays of the sun entering between the shutter gaps, you wake up and it takes all of your will to leave the bed without making him notice.

Your flight will be soon. It chokes you to see him so peaceful in his sleep, to know that he will be searching for your heat when the morning comes.

Having mercy, you get paper and a pen and write down a final message. With precision, you paint your lips red and kiss the paper corner before placing it on the pillow.

The way back to the diplomat’s house is sad and dark, even if the sky is slowly brightening with the sunrise. You cry until there are no tears left. Grandma is having coffee in the garden by the time you get there, she sees your puff face and gives you a sympathetic look.

The sun is high in the sky when your plane departs.

now

Javi stopped looking for you in corridors and the streets near his hotel. He is the one who wants closure, yours happened years ago and it is folded in his wallet. It feels bittersweet to find you and not have you, but he lived it before and didn’t kill him.

The years after your departure were busy. One can’t mourn a love that didn’t live to see the light of day when work is suffocating. He found joy in the small victories against the cartels, consoled with the bodies of the many women he slept with over time. The aftermath is what bites him back, the way your eyes avoid his with such precision.

Madrid is pretty in the summer. He likes to walk around until late at night having so much daylight still, calms his nerves and lets him rest once. The only thing left to do is to repack his luggage, but he doesn’t want to be alone in the hotel room on the final night of his stay.

He doesn’t notice how much time passed since he started to walk. It must be late, the sunset is starting. Shades of orange, lilac, and pink are coming together on the horizon, the warmness of the sky reminds him of the red of your lips back then.

Stopping by a bridge, he lights up a cigarette and stays on the sidewalk admiring the dusk. It is peaceful, a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time.

There aren’t many people around, the street is almost empty, he looks around until his eyes lock with yours. It’s warm, but you are wearing his coat, both hands in the pockets.

He meets you in the middle of the bridge, following the pace of your timid footsteps.

“Hi,” you almost whisper still staring back at him, “I couldn’t stay alone in my apartment.”

“Why?” He stomps on the cigarette and takes a mental note of your traces in the warm colors of the sky, flashes of the bliss on your face back in his apartment appear in his mind.

“You know why.” 

He does. Too many memories flowing, a ghost from a past life that keeps haunting, but in the flesh and front of you. He is your ghost and you are his too.

“You kept the coat.” It is a simple statement, no more than an observation, but enough to make you embrace yourself around as if you were searching for comfort inside of it. “I kept something too.”

For the first time in many years, he opens his wallet and unfolds your note from the last night spent together. The corners have little dents from how much his fingers pressed on, reading it again and again. The color faded a little, just like the mark of your lipstick isn’t vibrant anymore.

He places the note between your bodies and you take it, fingers slightly scrapping his. You read it like it is a surprise as if you forgot whatever you poured your heart into that final time.

Your eyes are glossy, the waterline is full and about to overflow when you look back at him. The sun shines one last time into your skin before disappearing, allowing the night to come.

Imagine you were born in a poor family, in a poor city, in a poor country, and by the time you were 28 years old, you have so much money you can’t even count it. What do you do? You make your dreams come true.

omfg i wrote a post talking about “i need—“ and instead of putting pedro pascal i wrote pablo escobar?? wtf is wrong with my melatonin pills help

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This is not my usual content I would post but it needs to be said. Earlier today I was at Walmart to pick up purple shampoo and a loaf of bread. I decided to browse their makeup to look for a new blush and there were maybe three other people in there: a mother and her daughter and a young woman, maybe in her mid twenties.

While I was standing there the young woman came up to me and very nervously asked if she could walk around with my while I finished my shopping because she thought a man was following her in the store. She told me what he was wearing and his build and said that she had been weaving in and out of aisles in the store and everytime she changed aisles the man would follow her from a not so subtle distance. Where I live there has been a rise in human trafficking in a few nearby areas and she told me that she had seen a lot of that on the news and I could tell she was extremely nervous. I let her know that she could walk around with my while I grabbed what I needed and even offered to walk with her to her car just in case. She ended up just walking with me to get my stuff and then we separated when we both needed to checkout; per her assurance that she would be fine.

Being another young woman alone in the store I was very alert and mildly nervous walking to my car alone even though I have been there a million times by myself. I made it to my car safe and as I was pulling out of the parking spot I saw the same woman walking out to her car, alone and safe as well.

The point of this is that people, women and men and everyone else, shouldn't have to put up with the fear of being kidnapped and sold while simply shopping, or anywhere else for that matter. While this should never happen, the sad truth is that it does happen, and please if you notice anything suspicious going on or see someone in need of help do not hesitate to step in to help or clear up any confusion on a situation.

And if you are ever in a situation like this, please please please, don't wait for something to happen, talk to security or an employee, ask to walk with someone for a few minutes, find something to do to PREVENT NOT DEFEND. Don't wait to be the person on the news that has everyone else worrying.